Ugly Betty: Tornados of Beefcake and Blame

Dear Crabby: What one accessory does every girl need to have?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch: A Red-Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. Ha! Just kidding. A semi-automatic with armor-piercing bullets, you know, for hunting.*

*Hey folks – just as an FYI, I am not a gun fan overall although I did get the chance to shoot an M-14 during ROTC day when I was in grad school. No, they would not let me sign it out over Thanksgiving, either, lousy bastards. And shout out to my dad who is currently hunting – I kind of root for Bambi to escape, but damn, do my dogs love the venison. So conflicted!

Speaking of hunting, that skull looks like a great target!

We open this episode of Ugly Betty wondering if they should change the title to Fugly Betty because Christ Almighty, that is by far the worse things she’s ever worn and we’ve seen her in vinyl shorts (first season, first episode, I’m thinking?). Betty is discussing the new cover of Mode, “Eye of the Fashion Storm,” when roomie Amanda says to Betty that she looks like someone who would be good at science (code for “nerdy”) and asks why do tornados always hit shanty towns and trailer parks. “Does God hate poor people?” Yes, Amanda, he does, but his son just loved hanging out with them, so it all evened out.

Betty’s ensemble, we find out, is courtesy of Amanda’s “hefty years,” and one would wonder why she kept those nasty things around once she dumped the weight. Amanda calls Betty a “plus-size princess” but even Amanda couldn’t have pulled off the pink skull shirt, crazy patterned skirt conflicting with patterned jacket, beads galore, gloves (WTF?), and crazy hat. Betty is bemoaning the fact she can’t go on the editor retreat with all the super-fun editors. Betty, dress for the job you want, not for the one you are going to have after the apocalypse when you are pushing around a grocery cart and hoping “they” don’t read your mind.

Back at the office, Betty tells Daniel that the latest “Stormy” issue of Mode is running a little late and he’ll have to push back his approval before it goes out. Word to the wise if anyone is interested in publishing of any kind…approve the first copy before they print millions of them. Doyee. No wonder they lose money. Daniel’s undies are in a bunch because he wanted to ride up to the retreat with his boyfriend, Connor. “That was supposed to be the fun car.” Isn’t that what Robert Downey Jr. said in Ironman right before his Humvee got blown to bits and he started wearing a car battery as a pacemaker?

Betty offers to approve the issue. Nothing can go wrong with this plan. It’s fool-proof! Betty says she wants to be helpful but I’m thinking perhaps she ought to start with cleaning his office or filing his latest black book list in the vault or something. Daniel reluctantly says okay because the fun car, is, after all, fun. These two really do deserve each other.

Wilhelmina arrives on the Mode floor from the elevator and tries to shut the doors before Connor greets her, however all I can focus on is Wild Kingdom behind her. Did anyone else see that hyena or whatever chasing down prey? They do have some weird shit on the TV in the elevator, if you’ve ever noticed.

Awkward, since she’s wearing what’s left
of the animal on the screen behind her.

Willie tells Connor she does not plan on attending the offsite bond-o-rama and I have to agree with her here. We did one of these when I was in grad school and the day we spent offsite was indicative that the team we had been placed into was going to hell, which it did when one of the team members plagiarized off of the professor we were turning a paper into. We caught it in time, but we should have hunted that guy for sport instead of trying to walk on stilts together is what I’m saying. Now that’s teamwork!

Conner gets on his knees, kisses her hand, calls her a queen, then tells her to suck it up because this is the price of leadership. She should hunt him for sport! God he’s such a tease.

Connor, call me, I moisturize!

Amanda wants to talk about Marc’s wedding, but he distracts her with something shiny and by telling her that her hair is frizzy. Probably from living with Betty! It’s like the herp! He pulls out his curling iron and fixes her up. But Amanda rebounds and pulls the conversation back to the wedding and how Marc always changes the subject. Marc will have none of it.

In Willie’s office she has pulled out her gun with her fancy zebra-striped case and aimed it at Marc. Sweet. She’s looking completely awesome in that red dress that I covet, but no matter how many times I do those Windsor Pilates I don’t get her boobs. Damn you Mari Windsor! She’s upset because Conner gets under her skin and she’s sure his fiancé is beautiful, wonderful, and European. Aren’t they all when it’s not you?

Meetings would run so much more smoothly
if the organizer could pack heat.

At the loading dock, Betty is fanning herself with the pages of the magazine and announces to the dock guys who have NOTHING TO DO WITH IT that the smell of the adhesive binding the magazine seems to be overpowering the fragrance samples inside. First of all, when has that ever happened with a magazine? Usually I’m calling the allergist as soon as I open the mailbox the samples are so strong and second, What the hell do you think these guys are going to do about it? You’re going to cancel shipping the guides because of adhesive? Man, when some people get power they are all over it.

Is she getting aroused? Maybe it’s just a chemical high.

The loading dock guy is channeling me when he tells Betty that they will unwrap all the pallets, tear apart the magazines, have the manufacture create an odorless adhesive, put all the pages back together to the tune of a kajillion dollars because Fugly Betty has final approval. He should really have his own religious show on Sundays because that was the best sermon I’ve heard in years.

I should shove that broad down the
same cement pylon as Hoffa!

Betty approves them. She wants her picture taken with the magazine but the dock guy balks, so Betty takes one of herself with the magazine. I’m sure that won’t end up on some porn site. Or at least with a porn guy mustache…

“Welcome to the annual editor’s retreat,” Daniel says, as we see the outside of some kind of English manor. Oh, I’m sure going there was as cost-effective as the HoJo’s in Brooklyn. Way to rein in the expenses, Connor. Oh, and they don’t even let the attendees wear jeans. Connor is introduced to the team, the women swoon (they don’t show it, but you know they did), and he gives them sobering facts that the magazine industry blows chunks and they need some BOLD ideas. Hope people step up to the plate, think outside the box, and deliver on ROI. Yay team Meade!

During this whole tirade, Wilhelmina is checking her African-Americanberry much to the irritation of Claire. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, Claire is much more fun when she drinks. She offers her own crazy/bold idea: Take away everyone’s cell phones and PDAs. Good thinking, since you guys are the parents and the kids are home alone, no babysitters. I’m sure nothing can go wrong with this. Oh comedic mayhem, is there anything you can’t cure? Willie is pissed. I’m sorry, she’s more pissed, and now she has colleagues who agree with her. “If you really want people to focus,” Claire says, “cut off all distractions.” Does this mean Connor has to leave now too?

“Claire, I’m going hunting later today. Feel free to walk in front of my gun,” Willie says.

F#*% the Chianti, I’ll tear your liver our and eat it right now.

Back at Mode, Betty comes in all aflutter telling everyone the magazine has shipped which they all know since she emailed them the picture she took of herself at the dock. Amanda immediately PhotoShops it to “make your mustache pop a little more.” Doesn’t Hilda’s Beautilities offer waxing?

Betty, you are making it too easy for them now.

Suddenly, out of nowhere and I mean nowhere, comes a special news report on a huge tornado (as opposed to a mini-tornado that occurs when I open the bathroom door after a steamy shower) that is destroying Kansas or some other boring rectangular state. My question is, why would Mode have what clearly is a rip-off of CNN on during the day? Aren’t all the channels set for the Style network or, as the elevators would have us believe, Animal Planet?

Rut-roh, the disaster looks just like the Mode cover. Sensitive, guys! You should also have a Fashion Hurricane cover scheduled for somewhere between June and October. No worries there, either. The cover comes alive in her hands (seriously, what?) and shows the fashion blowing all over. Maybe the model will drop on a witch and Betty will end up with fancy red shoes? That she will inevitably wear with black hose and a patterned dress. She ruins everything good!

Betty runs to the dock and tries to stop the shipment, but like the pods from Body Snatchers they are ready to be on their way. Dock guy is soooo not in the mood for crazy lady and tells her that only Daniel or Wilhelmina have the ability to stop the shipment. He gives her four hours. FOUR HOURS.

Oh, here we go. Hilda’s Beautilities is about it get a permit, NOT. Hilda opens the letter and reads, “‘Commercial variances are prohibited in residential districts,’” she reads, “Yeah, but where’s my permit?” Hilda. How do you dress yourself in the mornings? Papi has to explain that she no-getty the license. She immediately blames the Karate Kid because yeah, it’s his fault those laws were passed before he was born. Justin suggests she run her salon anyway but Papi, fresh off almost being deported, suggests that maybe not so much. Hilda “agrees” then gives Justin the secret handshake for “What Papi doesn’t know won’t kill him.” Hilda, Papi knows all.

Let’s break the law together, son! Snaps to that!

Daniel is walking through the woods trying to get some BOLD ideas. He stops at a tree and thinks about some girl and one falls out of the tree onto him. Does it work that easily? Excuse me, I have a huge maple in the back yard, maybe I can get Clooney to fall out of it.

No such luck.

Anyhoodle, granola girl who landed on Daniel has sprained her ankle and needs help getting back to the English manor. She’s sooo not Daniel’s type, I’m sure he’ll fall for her in no time. They’ll be getting married and having babies next season.

Still less painful than going through Match.com.

Back in the woods, Wilhelmina is attempting to hunt in heels and bright red clothes. Somewhere in Nebraska my father just shuddered. Maybe it’s more because it’s like 20 degrees there and he’s been squatting all day trying to take out a 10-point and his legs are cramping. I’m guessing it’s her outfit. She hears something, points her gun, and it’s Connor, pointing his gun at her. Don’t shoot! He’s hot! He says she’s welcome to take the first shot. And? He looks adorable in that newsboy cap.

Back at the office, Marc looks up and says, “I smell pluck.” I bet that smells a lot like apples. They seem like plucky fruit. Turns out Betty is going to the manor to talk to Daniel because he won’t answer his phone (confiscated) and the manor staff has instructions not to bother them. Seems like Betty might be able to convince them that it’s an EMERGENCY. What if someone had died, which given how the Meade family works would not be that unusual.

Marc doesn’t want Betty to look better than him, so he offers to drive to the manor in Cliff’s car. Mayhem! And if there’s a road trip, Amanda’s packed and ready to go. Cliff drives a very sensible Volvo wagon. Good for him!

Let’s see…no brain, no courage, no heart…road trip to Oz!

In the car, Betty and Marc are arguing and about the speed limit and Amanda brings up the wedding again. Marc is in no mood to discuss it and tries to change the subject back to frizzy hair. Given that Betty is in the car that should take up the whole trip.

Wilhelmina and Connor hear something and get ready to shoot, and my question is, when have deer season and tornado season ever coincided? For the uninitiated, that would be never. Plus, the leaves are still green meaning it’s summer anyway. Time is just one odd thing inUgly Betty, isn’t it.

Wilhelmina raises her gun and it’s Daniel…coming back from his own hunt! Looks like he bagged a good one! And tell me, why would they even allow hunting that close to the manor? So dangerous. “It’s Daniel with some cripply wood nymph.”

“That’s my fiance, Molly,” Connor says. Wilhelmina is surprised because she’s “wonderfully ordinary.” Rude! He goes to check on her. Again, way to save money for the company, by bringing a guest! He picks Molly up and carries her off into the sunset. Lucky bitch.

Just so we’re clear, you are sleeping with Connor
but looking longingly at Daniel? Bizzitch!

Back in the car where by the way, Betty is not wearing a seatbelt, Amanda looks for snacks in the glove compartment so they can stress eat, and instead finds a receipt for wedding rings from Tiffany’s. Cliff really went all out to marry this cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater. It is strange how seriously some people take marriage.

Seriously, who is driving the car?

Marc handles it well. He sucks on his inhaler like it’s Cliff then proceeds to wreck the car. In real life, Betty would have flown through the windshield into the tree leaving a very ugly pink, white, and black splotch like a nun-in-the-blender joke.

Just as I suspected! Toonces!

It’s a telenovela world, so no one is hurt and Betty has already called a tow truck but is dismayed it won’t arrive in time for her to get to Daniel. She decides to run to the general store she saw down the road. I hope it’s haunted!

Immigration? Papi no està aquí.

Hilda’s Beautilities now requires a password to get in and she’s shoving people out the door with a hat on. Prohibition is back! And so is Papi! He’s pissed that she’s breaking the law. I’m pissed I have to see her black bra through that slutastic sheer shirt. Have some respect for Papi!

Betty continues to run down the road in high heels, which, really? Plus, I bet she’s sweating a lot. She offers to pay the inbred at the general store $200 to drive her to the manor but his DUI convictions have stripped him of his driving privileges. When has that ever stopped a drunk driver from driving? Suddenly she’s hit in the back of the head with a toy airplane. Do they still make those or is this town just caught in 1950?

I can’t drive you anywhere, but I can
make you squeal like a pig!

Picking up the airplane and handing it back to the kid (I would have stomped on it), she gets a BOLD idea. And stupid, if you ask me.

Back at the manor, Claire has gone bat-shit crazy and is dressed as the nutty English aunt who thinks she’s on a hunt with Queen Elizabeth I. Seriously, Claire, how will anyone take you seriously when you are dressed as a character out of Dr. Suess’s Horton Hears a Haberdasher? She’s complaining to Daniel that she misses her phone. Much like the water glass/supply closet key complaint from last week, if you want to complain to the person who started this, go complain to a mirror.

Honestly? I blame Madonna for shit like this.

Daniel says he didn’t have any major revelations on his walk, but did happen to meet a girl and now has a huge crush on her…sadly, she is taken (and how!). “Her name wouldn’t be Betty, would it?” Claire asks. Ew-ew-ew, let’s never go there not even during sweeps week or fantasyland. Ew! Daniel almost vomits. She points up to a skywriter who has written, “Daniel call Betty” in the sky (as opposed to the grass). “Looks like we’re getting our phones back,” Claire says. Yes, because IT’S ALL ABOUT YOUR NEEDS.

Once again, a cost-effective move by a Meade employee.

The tow truck has arrived and is about to pull Cliff’s car from the tree trunk while Betty is getting major kudos from Daniel for going above and beyond, yadda yadda lobster bisque. He wants to know how much skywriting costs. Probably less than one night in Chez English Manor, so you might want to shut your piehole, jerk. Daniel says he’ll call Dock guy and have him hold the shipment…but Willie has other ideas. Hers are always so much more fun!

Back at Chez Suarez, sort of looks like everyone is in their same clothes from earlier that day except Betty who has had the luxury of changing into something even more hideous. Justin comes in and shows her – the Perfect Storm cover is on the newsstands. Say it ain’t so, unless any publicity is good publicity…anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Betty freaks and we head over to…

…Suzuki St. Pierre who is trashing all over Mode for their unfortunate cover. He swears he won’t let the story die. And once again Mode security is asleep at the helm because the press is all over the office.

That tornado state is as elusive as my teeth!

Despite the fact that they are having a press conference the next day to deal with this, they want to talk to “Tornado Girl.” They have a copy of her giving final approval of the magazine, with Amanda’s mustache handiwork. Now there’s some investigative reporting!

I’m the bastard son of Mike Wallace!
Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!

Daniel tells them it wasn’t Betty’s fault and the two of them go into the whole skywriting story which “gets more ridiculous by the minute,” Suzuki says. PR training should not be out of the question for the execs at this company; Connor should really make that a budget item for next year.

Later, Daniel tells Wilhelmina he has to tell the truth but she tells him to shut the hell up because it’s the highest selling issue of Mode in history. It’s been on the newsstand for less than 24 hours, right? Daniel’s conflicted…Betty’s blamed but the numbers rule. Willie says it will all blow over soon and, “Taking the fall is what the little people are for.” Cold, even for her.

Betty is stress eating at Casa Suarez, all pissed that she worked really hard and got her ass handed to her for it. Raise your hands if you’ve been there or are there right now. It’s as fun as a razorblade slide, isn’t it? Hilda tells her getting denied for her permit is the same thing. Yes, a massive PR blunder versus your unprofessional ass not getting a license to groom cats. Same thing all around. At least Justin isn’t wearing a t-shirt of his mother’s troubles.

Think the profits from the shirt are going to the victims?
Yeah, me neither.

Hilda and Betty head down to the councilman’s office to yell at him/try to get a permit (because I’m so sure he’s in charge of them) and/or start a fistfight. The council remembers Hilda and asks her how the permit worked out. “Oh, you didn’t hear?” Yes, Hilda, it’s ALL he can think about. She’s all pissy with him because he controls the universe. She says she’s one of his constituents and wants to know what he is going to do about it, but if I remember correctly Hilda chose Beautilities over voting, so I’m thinking she can suck it.

Karate Kid doesn’t even sound like himself when he destroys Hilda’s dreams. Betty asks him to really help out since this half-assed business plan is the only thing Hilda has going for her. Well, that and the Fulbright Scholarship. She guilts him too. Nice neighborhood to represent.

Well PERMIT me to tell everyone in the neighborhood
you are THIS big. There’s your permit, bizzitch!

Back at Mode, Marc drags Betty into the copier room and tells her powerful forces are against her. Yes, her eyebrows are extra bushy this week! He keeps talking cryptically and she’s not in the mood, so Marc tells her if she wants to know what happened with the issue going out, she should probably talk to Dock guy. Marc should probably consider a dermatologist because he is looking very Merman in that v-neck.

No excuse me while I go live in Tom Hanks’ bathtub.

Down at the dock, Betty confronts Dock guy who calls her a “gnat with glasses.” She says she’s not leaving until she gets some answers, and Dock guy agrees that she’s getting a raw deal. He tells her that Daniel called him and told him to ship it. Why is she shocked?

Listen, don’t tell no one, but I got cases of Pall Mall
in da back if you want a carton or two.

Betty is waiting for Daniel in his office and when he comes in, she simply says, “You lied to my face, Daniel.” That’s usually how he does it, so I’m not sure where the confusion comes from. He tells her she wasn’t supposed to get blamed for this which doesn’t help when Kansas is after her ass. But he never told the truth and she’s upset about that. He gives her the song and dance about how the company needs money and that he only agreed to this whole thing to save jobs. “And ruin my reputation,” Betty points out. Was there any left after the last on-air debacle with Suzuki and those sinister eyelashes?

He tells her it will blow over. You know what WON’T blow over? Those God-foresaken teal knickers/genie pants she’s wearing! That’s the real tragedy! That’s where she’s losing her reputation, her horrible, horrible, frenetic funhouse wardrobe! OH THE HUMANITY, I can’t even watch the rest of this scene because I’ve got to run to the nearest waste basket and hurl. How, how, how on earth can she even think she’ll be taken seriously in that outfit? Maybe when they call you tornado girl it’s because it looks like that’s how you got dressed today and not because of the cover.

First I’m going to grant you three wishes, then I’m going to Pamplona to kill a bull!

Chez Suarez has a visitor, it’s the Karate Kid. And he’s brought a box of whoop ass with him! No, wait, it’s a box full of information for Hilda to figure out the loophole. Girl can barely get through the Sunday comics, dude. No, wait…he has another idea. He says if Hilda brings in 30% of her business through selling stuff, they can consider her place a boutique and she can cut hair. Because nothing says great salon than a bunch of silly crap in the front. Where are Tabitha and her Takeover? Karate Kid pulls out a candle to show Hilda the kinds of things she can sell and because you know, wax-on, wax-off. He should probably also explain what a percentage is. Papi runs to get his camera to capture this moment.

See, Hilda, you can sell crap at your salon
so you can continue to cut like crap!

Back at the Mode offices, Betty tells Marc that she found out what happened. He says they are very different people but they still need to look out for each other. Then he flat-out fesses up that he cheated on Cliff. Schweet. That’s the best reason to ask someone to marry you, to cover your guilt. Betty gives him the lesson of the week, it hurts when people you trust lie to you. Thanks Debbie Downer.

At the press conference, Willie is attempting to calm everyone down but is clearly loving the press. Suzuki asks how they are dealing with “Tornado Girl,” and Willie says she will be dealt with internally. Finally, Daniel comes clean and tells everyone he was the one who let the magazine go to the newsstands, it was cynical, he regrets it…”but not as much as I regret watching my assistant, Betty Suarez, take the blame. It was my fault, mine alone.”

Willie says she’s shocked and appalled, and Daniel says he’s giving all the profits from the sale of this issue to the victims of the tornado. Hope he’s paying for U-Hauls because when you live in Tornado Alley, this kind of thing is bound to happen and you should probably consider leaving for good, or at least moving to one side of the alley. And look who sees him…Molly. Does she have a secret crush on Daniel?

Daniel sees Betty through the crowd and mouths, “I’m sorry.” Well, I’m sorry, that’s just too little too late. I’d ask for a huge raise and I’d probably file a complaint with HR. He’s constantly a tool and rarely gets called on it. She could probably work anywhere with her experience now, she should bolt.

You thought hard work would pay off? Oh, mi hija,
kneepads work better for getting ahead.

Oh, no, here it comes. Cliff is at Mode because Marc has something to tell him. Start small, Marc. “I wrecked your car,” he says. How often does Cliff drive, because you’d think by now he would have noticed it wasn’t where he parked it. Then he fesses up and tells him the truth. We don’t actually get to see it, there’s a music montage over it which would be nice in real life, wouldn’t it?

Molly sees Daniel in his office and calls him Tornado Boy. She says she’s impressed with him. “It’s not often you get to see a big shot throw himself under a bus for an assistant,” she says. Even more impressive? Not making her take the blame in the first place, jerk!

Seems like it might heal faster without the HEELS.

Connor is trying to leave for dinner with Molly to celebrate their “anniversary,” but Willie has other ideas. She needs Connor to work late so they can strategize about how to make up the money Daniel lost – uh, donated – to the tornado people. “That’s not going to be a problem, is it?” Yes, but no, he’ll reschedule his dinner plans. This should go over well.

I’ll check with the clinic to see if scales are contagious.

Cliff is devastated and walks away from Marc. Molly is pissed and storms away from Connor saying, “It’s always work.” Willie is pleased. Betty and Hilda celebrate with sparkling wine, not champagne because it’s from Jersey. Good catch, Justin.

Maybe with Hilda actually working, I can retire from Flushing Burger!

Next week? Betty competes in a contest to create her own magazine and Marc is her competition! This ought to be good!