Ugly Betty: You. Selfish. Bitch.

Dear Crabby: What the hell? Have you forsaken us for alcohol…again?

Dear Couch: Sort of. I know, I know, it’s been almost a month, but blame it on the holidays and their inevitable reruns that there have been no new Ugly Bettys! Plus, in my area Ugly Betty was pre-empted by Marlo Thomas and her St. Jude hour-long telethon from 2005 (at least they’re putting their money towards the kids, I guess). Priorities, people! But we’re back in rare form this week with heavenly highs and devastating lows, and Betty’s wardrobe somewhere in the middle.

We open this week’s Dram-o-rama with decorations of some sort going up in the Suarez household while Betty yammers on and on about her idol, Jodie Papadakis, who is running the Y.E.T.I. program. Suddenly I have the urge to head to Pappadeaux’s for some raw oysters, shout out to my dad who treated a couple of weeks ago. Betty has been following Jodie’s career “all my life” which again begs the questionhow the hell did she not know about Y.E.T.I. in the first place?

Hilda starts bitching about how she has to plan a party in three days, and I’m thinking that between her and Papi not really working all that much and Justin skipping school, it should be a piece of Flan. Betty babbles about how Jodie started at one magazine as an assistant and became editor in 5 years, and I’m thinking either it’s an underground magazine or she bounced a few editors to get up the ladder that fast.

Why do you need magic when you can hypnotize them with Betty’s outfit?

Hilda focuses Betty back on the reason for the decorations – her grand “re-opening.” Oh, Hilda, really. What makes you think this is going to stick this time? She’s considering hiring a magician (hate!) or music (too small a venue). Stick to doing big hair that night and you’ll be fine.
Betty says she’ll “borrow” some of the samples they get at Mode for gift bags as Papi shows off the new and hideously tacky neon sign that is now hanging in their living room window that says “Hilda’s Beautilities Plus.” But…it’s facing IN! Gasmii, raise your hands if you saw that before even Betty had to mention it. How do these people dress themselves?

Seriously? Morons.

Back in the real city, Daniel is talking about how Elle magazine kicked their asses last month in sales, adding, “Was it classy to show Sarah Silverman on the cover sitting on a toilet? No.” Actually, that i classy for her. Maybe Daniel’s just upset because the video “I’m F#$%@*& Daniel Meade” isn’t a YouTube hit. “We are not going to lose again,” he says. Ooooh, big man.

“If we do, one of your dies,” Wilhelmina adds. My GOD how I’ve missed that woman. What’s even better, Daniel doesn’t correct her. Heh.

Daniel wants anything they talk about in the conference room kept as proprietary, which immediately means Betty’s going to botch this bigtime! Super-fun-yay! Is every good comedy based on Three’s Company theory? Marc is Jack, Amanda is Chrissy, Betty is clearly Janet, Daniel is Mr. Roper, Wilhelmina is Mrs. Roper, Mode is the Regal Beagle, and I’m old!

Connor says he loves the whole good cop/bad cop thing they have going and Daniel explains that actually he’s nice, Wilhelmina’s not. “Can I help it if my balls are bigger than his?” No, you can’t, but so are a mouse’s, so that’s hardly worth bragging about.

Willie’s having a party Friday night and is hoping Connor can make it. Kegger! He says Molly has a pageant that night (I hope he means for the kids) but he’s going to talk her out of going to it. Damn, this school has a lot of evening activities! I’m glad I have dogs where our evening activities involve hibernating on the sofa until Letterman comes on, then peeling my contacts off my eyeballs to go to bed and hibernate more. Damn you Midwest winters! Willie is going to bump Anna Wintour off the list to accommodate Molly’s non-heavily-banged head. Excellent!

Explosive fashion! Wait, does it have lights
like a Christmas sweater?

The big Mode idea? They are going to have Keira Knightly model a vintage Halston “Fireworks Collection” dress for their next cover, because nothing says fashion than a flat boy-chested model in an outfit that has nothing to do with what you will be able to find at today’s stores. Schweet. The dress does look kind of cool on paper, but then again, so did Communism.

Daniel needs Betty to pick up the dress from the collector tomorrow…ah, here’s where the Keystone Cops situation comes into play for Betty. Did I just reference the early 1900s Keystone Cops? Talk about being on the cutting edge of fashion! Christ.

Wilhelmina asks Daniel into her office to show him “something” – the security tape from when he almost kissed Molly. Dun-dun-dunnnn and? Creepy voyeurism, Willie. Daniel is pissed but Willie says she doesn’t want anything from him. Uh-huh. She tells him he should take a chance because it’s already hard enough to find love. Go ahead and trust her, Daniel, she’s never steered you wrong before!

Netflix sent her a copy of Scumdog Millionaire.

However, she’s not being altruistic…with Molly gone, she explains to Marc, Connor is there for the taking. And ravaging, I might add. Ravage away, Wilhelmina!

In the closet, Christina hands Betty a very awkward gift of a pen in the largest font setting for an engraved gift I’ve ever seen before. Considering the actress playing Christina is asking to be let out of herUgly Betty contract, maybe it’s a going away present? I guess she’s leaving to star in a new show with departing Grey’s Anatomy and whiney douchebag T.R. Knight entitled David Caruso Syndrome: Blowing Your Big Chance for Your Big Ego. We’ll be recapping the only two episodes they film here, I’m sure!

This is what I think of being on your eponymous show!

She whines up a storm about fixing Wilhelmina’s party dress and how working is making her dizzy and all cry-babyish, what with her pregnancy hormones. I would only be interested in this if she were about to have a little of puppies, otherwise, shut up. Betty invites her to Hilda’s grand re-opening and she cries more. No, she actually plans on going. Where the hell is Stuart? Did he die yet?

Anyone network with a flatiron?

Betty’s at the first Y.E.T.I. meeting and her idol Jodie is played by Bernadette Peters! Score! She’s my idol from The Jerk where when she finds out she and Steve Martin are broke, she says, “I don’t care about losing all the money, it’s losing all the stuuuuufffff.” Amen, sister. That home disco was probably the hardest to lose.

Jodie starts the meeting off on a high note, saying the magazine business is dying and it should scare them all! “Do you give up, or do you…toughen up?” she asks. Uhhh, toughen up, I’m guessing? Or just move the magazine to the web like everyone else is doing? “Do you think when I moved to New York with this curly hair and this voice, anyone took me seriously?” Does anyone take you seriously now, Bernadette?

She looks at her roster and picks out Marc’s name. She asks him to name five people in this room and the magazines they work for, which he does immediately. She asks Betty to do the same and Betty has no clue. She missed last night’s “mixer” and Jodie jumps down her throat. “Last night was an opportunity to meet your future colleagues, but I guess that wasn’t important.” Great, her idol is a tooootal bitch. She gives everyone an assignment: Make 40 new contacts by the next class or don’t come back! With Betty’s social skills, this should be, well, her last class.

Don’t look now, the but sea anemone is
trying to mate with your hair.

While riding up the Mode elevator with Connor, she tells him her dilemma. Yeah, because I’m sure Betty doesn’t have any contacts she could use for this project from the past year or so she’s worked at Mode. Although I guess a lot of them are trannies, drunks, and murders, and sometimes all three. Turns out Connor is best buds with Jodie. He tells Betty to find somebody who is really good at the superficial stuff, then do what they do…

…which leads her to Marc, of course. He wants nothing to do with her loser-ness, and I’m starting not to blame him. She holds her giving up her spot (originally) in Y.E.T.I. over his head, which, beyotch, and he says he won’t let her use again. He tells her to be at Swill later so he and Amanda will show her the ropes. Oops! She’s supposed to be home with Hilda to make gift bags. Hilda totally guilts her about this on the phone, but come on, Betty’s job is just a wee bit important than Hilda’s Beautilities if for no other reason than Betty actually makes money.

No you go first…no you…no, really…you.
Are we in a vagina?

Awkwardness ensues as Daniel bumps into Molly in the lobby. They talk over each other like dorks at a junior high dance and try to address the smoochie-woochie in the closet situation, but Connor shows up and pulls Molly away. Oh, sure, the one time he actually does keep an appointment with her! So Daniel confides his feelings to Wilhelmina. Good move. She recommends he have his private talk with her at her party. Is it a pajama party?

Meanwhile, Betty is working the networking at Swill and meets with a caterer from a place called The Gorgeous Gourmet. He’s more cute than gorgeous, but I’m sitting under piles of fleece right now with winter allergies (when did those become the rage?), so I’m not one to talk. Betty heads over to Marc and Amanda who tell her she spent 22 minutes and 47 seconds talking to (God forbid), “A CATERER.” Seems to me someone in the magazine industry might need that for future reference (for things like “parties” and “events” and “food at functions”) but whatevs.

Marc is the Bugs Bunny of networking,
jumping from one (jack)hole to another.

“The point of networking is to get information to advance your career,” Marc says. Well, only if you want those people to avoid you like the plague later, you user. Marc gives her the steps of good networking. Step 1 – Give them your name, where you work, and one memorable thing about you. He introduces himself to someone and tells her he once had a threesome with Jon Hamm and Mia Hamm and called it the night of the “Hamm sandwich.” Well, no argument on the Jon Hamm situation…I’m thinking of putting him on my “List of 5 Celebrities I Would Sleep With” but I’m not sure whether to bump Gabriel Byrne or Josh Lucas. Probably Gabriel Byrne, I’m not sure I could stand that much melancholy. Maybe I’ll make him an alternate.

Step 2 – You have to give info to get info, and we see Marc talking about Heidi Klum’s extra toes. I would have guessed webbed feet, but extra toes are good too. Step 3 – The exit strategy: get in, get info, get out. Betty says she doesn’t want to be rude and doesn’t know how you can just walk away from a conversation.

“Betty, could you just hold on for one sec,” Amanda says, walking away in the way only Amanda can do. Marc tells her Amanda is not coming back, and neither is he. She’s not sure she’s ready to network alone!

She’s the daughter of someone from REO Speedwagon?
I thought you were supposed to leave people with something memorable.

“Yes, you are. You are a mean, not-so-lean, contact-getting machine,” he says. And she’s not even wearing fleece! “You’re the Bettynator!” He pushes her into the crowd and we see what she sees – like the Terminator! Betty’s memorable fact? She knows a murderer. I know someone who knows a murderer, does that count? Seriously, my hairdresser knows someone who just murdered his crack dealer. Well, she hasn’t seen him since high school over a decade ago, but that still counts as interesting, doesn’t it? I’ll try it at my next networking meeting and let you know how it goes.

Perfect for fashion. And Patty and/or Selma.

At the end of the evening, Betty needs just one more card for her networking quota (this is such bad form, people). Suddenly, chubby hot-pink stripe girl sits next to her at the bar. Betty introduces herself and asks, “And you are?”

“Exhausted. I hate networking.” Bet she’s load of fun at a party. Betty’s like oh, me too, I’ve found a soul mate! She hands over her card to Betty and low and behold, she’s from Elle. Betty, the call is coming from inside the bar!

Is it just me, or do they make a great couple?

So Betty and “Teri,” if that is her real name, are yammering it up over drinks (bad move) as Betty explains spending 20 minutes with a caterer isn’t so bad. Teri says The Gorgeous Gourmet is great and is actually doing a party for them. Betty manages to get dip on her elbow (I know, she’s so elegant), and excuses herself to the bathroom, leaving her phone on the table. Betty, Betty, Betty. Teri picks up the phone and looks through it.

Try as you might, you cannot make the Blackberry explode
merely by staring at it. That’s one of the selling points.

The next day, Daniel has his boxers in a juicy bunch because he found out Elle is doing their center spread in the Venice canals, just like Paris Hilton, ba-dum-bum! No, actually, just like Mode was planning. However, Betty found out the model for that shoot just broke up with her Italian boyfriend and is refusing to go to Italy, so they are moving the whole shoot to Paris. Or, or…just a suggestion, they could choose another toothpick to model. Doyeee. But Daniel is psyched Betty found out such scoop and gives her a bottle of wine as a reward. Yeah, cause that will pay the rent.

Betty wants to cut out of work early to go home and help Hilda with her Beautilities fiasco, but Daniel wants Betty to go pick up the Halston dress. Shouldn’t a security team of some sort be handling that? With some kind of delivery service? It will be ready at 5pm. Because…someone is wearing it now? It’s being cleaned from all the dust it collected in the hypoallergenic room it’s being kept in? Why is it not ready at this moment?

Back in the Mode closet, Betty is throwing a bunch of samples at Papi, thanking him for coming in and taking care of this for her. “Tell Hilda I will be there as soon as I can,” she says. Papi says her sister was counting on her and that the local paper is coming to do a story on her and the salon. How did The New York Times find out about it? Christina offers to come over and help put things together to help cover for Betty.

“Do you understand how much this party means to Hilda?” Papi asks. Yes, we do, she’s put so much thought into it: we never saw her go to cosmetology school, she probably isn’t licensed, she didn’t know she needed a permit to run her business, she acted like a total beyotch to Councilman Karate Kid when she didn’t get her way, and she’s selling cheap merchandise to get around the law. Yeah, she’s really put her heart and soul into this. At least she’ll get the tax write off next year, although what can you write off when you make NO MONEY?

Over at Wilhelmina’s apartment on the Planet Hoth, Marc is dreaming about what the party is going to be like. Wilhelmina says her plan is to give Daniel and Molly time alone…in the bedroom. Marc hints he wants to attend but Willie says no way. No assistants at the party. You know, I had bosses like that who said they could handle all the details at a conference, then cried like a bunch of whiney bitches when guess what, they actually did have to handle stuff. Actually, I’m surprised Willie doesn’t keep him around for when she needs an exit strategy, he’d be a real asset.

Wow. Subtle. Really, really, really subtle.

Over at the Suarez residence, it looks like Mardi Gras threw up, because nothing says klassy like kitschy decorations. Maybe if they hit Hilda with a bat, candy will come out. Actually, don’t hit her…the actress is pregnant in real life, so that would be kind of rude. Hit Christina instead.

Christina says Hilda should be proud of what she’s accomplished. Hilda says, “I screwed up a lot and now I’m finally getting my act together.” Let’s wait until we see this year’s receipts before we break our arms patting ourselves on the back, huh Hilda? Then she complains to Christina that Betty’s not around and once again, the Wahhhhmbulance needs to be called.

Hey, you here to see that guy about that thing?

Back in the real world, Betty stops by the Heart of Darkness Vault to pick up the dress and Martin Scorsese tells her someone from Mode already picked it up. Bet the delivery person had a pink stripe in her hair. “Who?” Betty asks, semi-freaking out.

“Betty Suarez,” Scorsese says.

“I’m Betty Suarez,” she says.

“She left a card,” he says. Seems like they might have asked for a picture ID, but she was just picking up a priceless collector’s item dress, not taking buying Claritin-D. He hands her the card and Betty sees it’s hers. “She had a rather horrible pink stripe in her hair,” he says. I’m like freakin’ Agatha Christie, I tell ya.

To quote the Mannings, IT’S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

“TERI!” Betty says. Looks like you ARE going to have time for Hilda’s partyand to be her receptionist during the day since you are about to get fired but good!

Back at Mode we see Betty’s panicked face and hear Wilhelmina say, “Betty, you’re fired.” But Daniel says she’s not fired, “don’t worry.” Uh Betty? I’d worry.

“Don’t worry? Because of Betty we almost lost Keira Knightly and 30 pages of ad revenue,” Willie says. Almost? So did something save it? Maybe a dress from the Bottle Rocket Collection from Donna Karan?

Betty explains that while she was at the club talking with Teri, the enemy, she got up to use the bathroom and while she was in there, Teri must have looked at her Blackberry. “I thought that she was a friend,” she says. My eyes roll so far back into my head I can see 7th grade.

Watch as the venomous spider circles her prey before feasting.

“Friendship is the oldest trick in the book,” Willie spats. Daniel suggests they contact Elle and discuss the situation like business people. This isn’t business, Daniel, it’s fashion! They’ll eat you alive! Also, would it not be smart to just act like you don’t know what happened, file a police report that the dress was stolen by an imposter, and give Elle some bad press? Can you tell I worked in fashion? You wouldn’t from the long underwear I’m currently wearing, but mostly from my bitter anger and need to smite my enemies at every turn.

A big kudos to the folks over at Elle for continuing this fictional rivalry, they must have a ton of fun telling Wilhelmina to suck it. Willie, Daniel, Betty, and Marc are on a video conference call (because the trip down the street is too far?) and “niceties” are passed back and forth. Willie loves Robbie Myers new hair and all of the height, and Robbie tells Willie her earrings make her face look small. HAHA.

Do you need us to spread out beyotches to 4 syllables?
Cause we can do it, be-yot-che-ez.

Daniel gets straight to the point and tells them someone at their magazine may have taken a certain Halston dress Mode had on hold. Betty screams in such a professional way, “Teri O’Shoughnessy!” Then Teri jumps into camera view (and I’m guessing it’s a wide angle lens), and says she has no idea what Betty’s talking about. Betty says, “You’re lying and you know it!”

“Prove it, brace face!” Teri yells.

“Your pink stripe is stupid!” Betty responds. Yeah, neither of these gals is going to be editor in five years, trust me.

Willie wants to cut through the crap and get the dress back. Elle tells them to suck it and signs off just like on Star Trek. Or so I’ve heard. At the conventions.

“Consider yourselves uninvited to my party!” Willie says. Junior high flashback! Teri says they weren’t coming anyway, they are having their own party that night. Then she mocks, “Betty? Call me?” and turns off the camera.

Betty apologizes to Daniel and he says he blames himself. “I should have had an editor handle it,” he says. Yeah, I’m sure Kimmie would have done a better job. Daniel tells her to go home and walks away. I’m sort of torn on this one…Betty did botch this, but given her track record overall, I think she still has more points in the “win” column, especially when it comes to the Meade family overall. That should count for something.

I’m pretending the cheese is Teri and I’m poking her eyes out.
Same fat content for both, you know.

Back in Queens, Hilda’s Beautilities Plus Grand Re-Opening is in full swing. People are everywhere, Hilda just finished an interview with the paper, and Christina is telling everyone about her baby drama. Betty is whining over a cheese tray while Papi tells her to let it go. Betty says she can’t stand that Teri’s business card is still in her bag and she goes to throw it out…as she’s going through the cards, she finds The Gorgeous Gourmet’s card. Hey! Aren’t they catering the Elle party tonight? Ding-ding-ding!

2 + 2 is….think, Betty, think!

Betty tears out of the party and Hilda is like WTF? “You know what would be nice?” Hilda asks. “If you were excited about something I was doing for a change.” Well, Hilda, history tells us a lot, and I think Betty betting on herself is betting on the right horse, or in this case, the right mare.

Then Papi gets all up in Betty’s business telling her that Hilda did everything herself (except that Papi, Christina, and Justin helped) and that Betty is being unreasonable. Betty counters with the fact that she’s working on her career and is trying to move up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Papi says Hilda needs her, but he’s talking to a puff of air because Betty is outta there.

Well excuuuuuuuse me, Papi!

Over at the ice castle, Willie is wearing a space-age dress that creates a triangle focusing right on her boobs. Hey, if you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em. Did I mention my layers of fleece right now? Wilhelmina steals Connor away from Molly to introduce him around the room, which is kind of rude since Molly should be introduced around too, but you know…we have to move the Daniel/Molly plot ahead. Willie gives Daniel the nod.

Remember, when you are taking your driving test, the upside down
triangle sign means BOOBS BOOBS and more BOOBS
up ahead. Be cautious.

Daniel heads over to Molly and asks to speak to her privately. Like the bedroom? The shower? Willie’s Bat Cave? Don’t act like she doesn’t have one, I just hope it contains George Clooney and not Michael Keaton.

Over at Elle, The Gorgeous Gourmet is letting Betty and Marc into Elle’s closet. See? It does pay to talk to the caterer. Plus, they let you take the leftover food so it doesn’t get sent to a homeless shelter instead.

I am praying to God you can’t tell how dark my roots are.

In Willie’s boudoir, Daniel is trying to figure out how to tell Molly he’s all hot and bothered by her. “I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since we met,” he says. Awwww. He says he knows he’s jeopardizing a friendship and business relationship, but he can’t change the way he feels about her. Molly says she and Connor are engaged and have been together for four years, blah, blah, blah, it ain’t over ’til it’s over, Molly. Daniel says if she can honestly say she doesn’t have feeling for him, then he’ll never mention it again.

Back in Willie’s living room, Connor and Willie are chatting up Zac Posen who asks them how long they’ve been dating. AWK-ward! “You make the most divine couple,” he says. So true. Willie and Connor flirt a little about what a power couple they would make, ahem, and Willie tells him it’s hard to be around him since they got back from Florida where they almost sealed the deal on Spin the Bottle. Suddenly Molly ruins everything by coming up to Connor, saying she doesn’t feel well (it’s the salmon puffs), and asks to leave. Dang.

Can we leave before she realizes
I’m the one who clogged her toilet?

Over at Elle Marc and Betty find the Fireworks dress, which…hmmm. Well, I’m sure the drugs of the 70s probably made it look more “fireworks-y.” Betty is trying to get the dress off the mannequin while Marc finds the “ugly wall,” which was his idea when he worked there. They put up pictures of co-workers and make fun of them. Isn’t that just called The Watercooler now?

I’m going to file this under “Meh.”

Betty can’t get the dress off the mannequin, and suddenly some people are coming into the closet, probably to do it by the dress! At first, I thought it was Amanda, which would have been hilarious. Betty and Marc grab the whole mannequin, put a huge Russian-like hat on it’s head, and walk it through the party saying they have to get this person home because she’s so drunk. But the head falls off and Teri spots them. “We’re taking our dress back!” Betty yells. “Marc, RUN!” I bet he runs like a girl. Betty and Teri fight like only chubby assistants can, and Betty makes it into the elevator in time to say “Call me!” as the doors shut. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Except this time it was!

Catfight! If both the cats were Garfield.

Over at Willie’s, Daniel says to her, “I guess we both lost out tonight?” Willie has no idea what he means except she totally does. “I’m not stupid,” Daniel says, and the viewing audience begs to differ. “I know you’re interested in Connor….I’ve seen the way you look at him.” You mean the way every woman looks at him, me-ow!

Your Halston dress, now in 30 minutes or less or it’s FREE!

The doorbell rings and Willie answers. Standing there are Marc, Betty, and the headless mannequin. Did they cab it over because I’m not sure that would fit unless part of it hung out a window. “I can’t say I’m not intrigued,” Willie says. “I guess the three of you…may come in.” Marc wets himself a little.

Betty spots Jodie Papadakas and then her phone rings – it’s Hilda. Jodie walks up to Betty and Betty puts her phone on silent. Too bad she can’t do the same to Hilda in real life. “This is the first time I’ve seen an assistant at a Wilhelmina Slater party,” she says to Betty. Betty tells her she’s just networking and that she has all 40 of her contacts. Betty awkwardly asks Jodie if she’ll be her mentor. You don’t actually ask things like that within 24 hours of meeting your idol, dumbass. Jodie says they should just start with her not kicking Betty out of Y.E.T.I. and they can take it from there. Exactly.

Betty, please tell the waiter that there are
snails on my plate!

Betty gets back to Hilda’s party and sees that everyone is gone, probably because it’s like 3am or something. The place is weirdly vacant, and Betty sees a chair has toppled over and there are chips on the floor. Worst piñata ever. I also think the back door is open, which makes me think everyone was kidnapped. She checks her phone and there are 9 calls from Hilda. Oh crap.

Either Hilda is really pissed or something bad has happened.
Either way, you’re probably screwed.

Betty calls Hilda. “Hilda, where are you, what happened?”

“We’re at the hospital,” she says. Betty’s all excited because she thinks Christina went into labor. “Papi had a heart attack,” and it’s all your fault, you selfish bitch! Well, that was implied, wasn’t it?

Daniel is walking home and waiting for him on his front steps is Molly. “You were right. I can’t say I don’t have feelings for you,” she says. “I broke up with Connor.” Maybe I ought to put him on my list of five now! Daniel and Molly start making out.

Willie is relaxing after her party when someone comes to the door. She opens it, and it’s Connor baby! He looks a little drunk, actually, and he walks in and grabs Willie and starts making out with her. I’m not sure who I’m happier for.

That’s right. Everyone’s getting some except the recapper!

At the hospital, Betty comes into the hospital room where Papi is hooked up to all sorts of machines. She puts her hand on Papi’s, Hilda puts her hand on Betty’s, but I can tell this ain’t over. Words will be exchanged later. Words will be exchanged!

The bigger question? Who is going to cover Papi’s
shifts at Flushing Burger?

And that’s happening this week…Hilda and Betty bitch-slap each other over career and family and tough decisions are made. Also, Papi’s not in his room…!