Ugly Betty: Worst Birthday Ever in the History of the World

Ugly Betty‘s Big Birthday Bash! She’s turning 24 and there’s no stopping That Girl! Except fate, which clearly hates her. Fate brings her friends prego Charlie, evil Amanda, complete tool waiter guy, stupid cup of hot chocolate, and manure. Why, why did she even wake up this morning? This is the Worst Birthday Ever in the History of the World, and it didn’t even involve alcohol or the police. Bummer.

Alarm rings – 7:30 a.m. Seriously, what are Mode’s hours? Well, Betty does seem to work 24/7, so I guess we can cut her some slack. Personally, by 7:30 a.m. I’m usually at the office, irritably caffeinated and doing my best to avoid the sales team at all costs (just kidding, if any of you are reading this).

I’m Claritin clear!

Betty awakens to find her bed floating in grass, which immediately makes me sneeze and curse pollen and tree mold. Birds are chirping, grass is swaying (and needs mowing), trees are blooming. Ahhh-choo. “Where am I?” She asks.

“You’re in the most amazing place ever!” Says a voice. So, it’s either George Clooney’s bedroom or IKEA. It’s Henry, sitting on a white carriage with a white horse, all of which is covered in flowers. Betty smiles. Oh, Betty, it didn’t work for Princess Di. Henry’s wearing an argyle sweater. Oh Henry, doesn’t work for Prince Charles. Also, is it me, or did Betty start conditioning her hair and waxing at least the “uni” of her unibrow?

“It’s going to be the best birthday of your life,” Henry says. Hello foreshadowing? Table for one. Thanks for jinxing it, Henry.

Henry pulls her into the carriage and kisses her, although if he were a really good boyfriend he’d pay someone else to drive the carriage so he can make out with Betty and they can join the Three-Foot-High Club. Suddenly fireworks begin to explode and it’s nighttime! And it looks like they just won the Superbowl because they are at Disneyland or at least a dream-like facsimile since Betty probably can’t afford the rights to dream of real Disney stuff.

Look how content they look…until the wretched beeping of her real clock. Nice headgear, dork. Didn’t look any better on me when I wore it for that year and a half, but at least I pulled my itchy hair out from the band around my neck. Scho Schexy!

Betty wheels a suitcase into the kitchen with a face that has “I had a near-sex-dream last night” written all over it. Papi wishes her happy birthday and methinks he is sporting some new hair. Am I alone here people? Did Papi use “Just for Hombres” on his graying locks? And Hilda is sporting new bangs. Way to go, writer’s strike. Everyone looks different.

Don’t be sad Papi, the color looks natural.

Justin, in his pubescent Peter Brady voice half-man’s a “love the bag, Betty, Louis Vuitton?” Yes, because she makes that kind of money and has all-access to the Mode closet.

Papi made birthday pancakes for her for breakfast before she runs off to the Pocahontas…oh, wait, the Poconos. Betty, if you are going to spend all weekend in a heart-shaped tub dirty dancing with Henry, you’d better carbo-load. But she declines. Decline Papi’s pancakes? Has she lost her soul? No – she does want to take the cupcakes with her. Phew.

Justin better refill that glue gun!

Justin presents her with a cell phone, woo-hoo, wait – what? Oh, it’s hers. Bedazzled by Justin! Which will probably be the name of his first business. It has a “B” and everything. Betty makes a cat sound with claw action, and Justin begs her never to do that again. Hilda agrees. As do all viewers. Betty leaves and Papi is upset because she forgot the cupcakes. And he apparently forgot that once you leave the house, you still have to walk to the train so there is PLENTY of time to open the door and catch her.

Meanwhile…we hear a knock at the door and Daniel, in the background, says “Just a minute.” He opens the door to the fabulously dressed Wilhelmina. He tries to slam the door, but her strength proves too much for him.

“I know we’ve had our issues,” she says.

“You tried to ruin my magazine, destroy my family, marry my father on his deathbed …”

“Some bigger than others.” She is an accomplished woman, you have to give her that! She’s come to warn Daniel about Renee. Apparently Renee has a “history” with men. Get in line, sister! Just not behind me.

Daniel doesn’t believe her and tries to slam the door in her face, but she stops it again. Daniel should really go to the gym more. Willie leans in and whispers, “Stony Brook.” Unless that’s a new subdivision in Westport, I’m guessing it’s an INSANE ASYLYM. Oh, sorry, that was insensitive. A facility for reality-challenged nutcases.

“Ask my sister about Stony Brook if you really want to get to know her.” Slam! Finally.

“How was I?” She asks Marc.

“Excellent. Sincere, but not condescending, with just the right dash of menace.” Just like Papi’s cupcakes! “And your breasts, of course, look amazing.” Just like Papi’s cupcakes! Oh Marc, swinging back to the other side? Say it ain’t so!

Gazonga City, baby!

Christina is trying to open a window, probably to jump to her death for carrying the spawn of Satan, when Renee walks in saying Wilhelmina probably had it bolted shut. Yeah, or for safety, bonehead. There are no screens in that thing and you are up high! “Evil robots don’t need oxygen.” No, but they do need love. And Botox.

While Renee fusses with the window, Christina walks over and awkwardly (or so I thought) spies a candle and says “This should freshen things up a bit.” Because nothing says “fresh” like perfumed wax. She goes to light it and Renee freaks out like only reformed pyromaniacs do and says, “No candles EVER,” and puts the candle out with her fingers. Klassy! Please let her burn something down!

That’s one way to ruin a manicure

Christina phones Betty to tell her something weird is going on (ya think?), but Betty’s phone is so bedazzled it won’t work. That’s actually a great excuse if you want to get off the phone with someone, “I’m so sorry – bad connection! It’s the bedazzling of the phone!” Maybe text-messaging isn’t a phenomenon, it’s just that a lot of the letters are getting lost in the glitter. IDK, LOL.

Christina goes on the hunt for info by ingeniously hiding one of the baby monitors in a pantry. Why did they buy one so soon – she’s not even showing. Unless Wilhelmina uses it when Marc stays over?

Betty’s over-eager face is front and center as she sings, “Birthday girl in the ho-ouse,” doing the “raise the roof” motion with her hand. Betty, file that under Justin’s “don’t do that” rule. “Ready for adventure!”

Door opens to Charlie, all prego-d out, saying, “I love adventures, where are we going?” Given what she is wearing, straight to the Wonka Factory. And? Oh crap!

Is this the Oompa Loompa audition?

Charlie starts blabbering about how she’s been trying “for months” to get into some parenting seminar with Dr. Whatever who is this amazing baby guru (is he a guru of babies, or a baby who’s a guru?). This weekend she was actually able to get into his seminar. I wonder if the first rule of his “parent” seminar is that both parents should be involved with their child as opposed to living on opposite sides of the country dating other people.

Henry shows up, sans huevos apparently, and asks Charlie could give them a minute. “Oh, the baby just kicked. He must be happy to see his daddy.” Or he knows you’re a totally beyotch and he’s attempting to seek a rent-controlled uterus elsewhere.

Henry jumps into the hallway to tell Betty, “she just showed up.” First of all, where is this chick getting her money to make a plane reservation 24 hours in advance with no problem to take a parenting class with baby Deepak Chopra, but can’t afford to stay at a hotel? Because if I were Henry, I would have mentioned that as I shut the door in her face. And second, Henry, your door clearly has a keyhole viewer. USE IT NEXT TIME. That’s how I avoid the multi-level marketing scam of the Girl Scouts and their cookies.

Henry tells Betty the can still go away for the weekend and Charlie can go to the seminar on her own. My answer? Good. That’s what we’ll do, now get the car. But Betty wusses out because it’s “for the baby.” Blech. She decides to put together the most awesome birthday extravaganza ever in the history of the world. Betty, read the recap title. Ain’t gonna happen. Save your energy.

“Betty, you’re unbelievable,” Henry says, although what I heard was, “Betty, you’re an incredible doormat who just got bested by an Oompa-Loompa.”

“Only when I’m with you.” Door. Mat. Smooches.

“Henryyyy, I can’t find the toothpaste,” Charlie says to remind Betty she’s still claiming Henry and that competition over a man shouldn’t derail good dental hygiene.

“Top left drawer,” Betty answers back, without adding, “Right next to the condoms – oh, wait, that’s why you don’t know where the toothpaste is, you tramp.”

Meanwhile, Daniel tells Alexis that he reviewed the numbers for his mother’s magazine, Hot Flash, which I think is the most awesome name for magazine. Alexis says, “Good, cause we need to talk about that,” she says as she walks out in her bra and panties while trying on some clothes. Daniel freaks, probably because he suddenly wanted to “hit and quit” his own sister.

Bros before hos is really confusing right now

He then starts complaining about the cost of their mother’s hobby and even more so when Alexis tells him Claire wants to do an ongoing adventure series for the over-50 set. Seriously? Hot Flash sounds like More meets Men’s Journal, and I’m betting they could make a fortune off the over-50 women demographic. I bet it would sell like an enriched supplement. Come on, it’s a great time to be silver!

Betty, back at the office because God forbid she should take her birthday off, bumps into Amanda wearing her vivid kiss shirt and reminds her she’s not supposed to be there because it’s her birthday weekend. Amanda asks her if she’s headed to Des Moines and Betty says they were going to the Poconos, and Amanda says “Same dif.” I’m not sure which region to feel worse for.

Betty needs a new, cool place to go to for her birthday and asks Amanda. “Turning forty?” Amanda asks.

“Twenty-four.” Heh. Amanda recommends the Pemberly Inn, which is according to her is so hottttt she’d make out with Betty on the patio if she could just get a seat there. Put your tongue back in.

Sweet Moses, there are two tongues like that now?

“Happy fiftieth!” she yells after Betty.

Daniel, too stupid to figure this one out, is researching Stony Brook on the internet which must be a true departure from all the porn his computer is used to. Normally, he’d be Googling “Horny Brooke from Long Island.” He welcomes Betty back into the office and tells her he’s glad she’s feeling better. Hard to believe this guy is still on the market, huh? Despite numerous attempts by Betty, Daniel is clueless it’s her birthday. Betty, you must be in charge of his Outlook calendar. Next time, put it on there – with the reminder at least a week in advance!

Luckily, Betty is smart and Mode has begun to make her manipulative. She tells Daniel about three separate date options – ballgame & drinks, art show, or fireworks with the Philharmonic. New York, is there anything you don’t have? Oh yeah. Parking. Betty downplays the Phil because she clearly wants those tickets. Daniel almost takes them for his date with Renee, but worries about grass stains. On his pants. Bummer, too – a pyromaniac at a pyrotechnic function. That would be crazy awesome! But alas, Betty gets her tickets.

Papi and Hilda are discussing Betty’s ruined weekend because that apparently is easier than going to work each day. Seriously, is Betty the only breadwinner now? Oh, I see, Papi becomes an American citizen and immediately gets lazy. Good one, work ethic. Hilda decides to take cupcakes to Henry’s place to drop off for their date. Uh, where does she think Charlie’s staying? Surely Betty would have told her. Drop them off at Mode instead, Hilda. Charlie will spit her venom in each one!

Renee stops by Mode because she’s found an apartment just down the street from Daniel. Nothing says stalker lover than someone you’ve been dating for a few hours moving in around the block. He does the typical Daniel eye blinking/how well do we know each other routine, and then tells her Willie stopped by…oh, P.S., what is Stony Brook?

“It’s a state college on Long Island.” Oh, they are going to be pissed about this kind of advertising. Go Seawolves! “I went to school there.” Uh huh. You’re going to need to finish that thought. She says she got a little wild there – she had a life before she met him just like he did. If that’s the case, you both need to take a run to the nearest clinic. She gets ticked and tells him not to call her until he’s ready to trust her a little, which is exactly what you’d say if you were using reverse psychology on a moron who can’t see the difference! That will never work on Daniel – oh, who am I kidding?

Betty is in the midst of reserving a table for 2 on the patio of the hottest restaurant in town for that evening and wonders why they are telling her no. Duh. Wait – manipulative Betty rears her ugly head and tells them that Mode won’t need the Pemberly Inn for their fashion week party where they spend thousand and thousands of dollars. Please, does that ever work? If I were the manager, I’d slam the phone down. If they’re hot, they were already booked last season. Oh wait, something did open up. Go figure.

As she’s making these reservations, Gio is walking by with his cart. Shouldn’t he be at the deli he started? Or is it still closed from when Betty smashed the window? If so, his insurance sucks! He sits on her desk and gets a little too into her personal space to the point he actually freaks her out when she turns around, much like the waiter at the restaurant I went to this evening. (If you are going to keep shoving your elbows in my face, at least moisturize them dude). Or maybe she’s scared because he looks like he just stepped out of American History X.

He rubs his buzz cut and says, “Summer’s coming, gotta let the head breathe.” Well, I’m sure the lice appreciate your concern. “Pemberly Inn. What’s the occasion?”

Breathe my little friends, breathe!

“Oh, it’s my birthday.”

“Going to dinner with Henry?” She tells them originally they planned a weekend getaway with the senior center members, but Charlie showed up and ruined it.

“Ah, baby mama.” You know, that phrase never gets old.

Ignoring that comment, Betty tells him about the perfect night she has planned with Henry. “Intimate dinner, a concert (Twisted Sister?!) and fireworks in the park.”

“The only thing missing is a carriage ride.” D’oh! How did he know? Betty gives him a freaky look.

“Why did you say that?” Uh, because there are carriage rides all over the park in New York. Stay with me here.

“Just seems like something you’d be into.” Because of her Disney fetish? Her favorite website, www.so-cute-its-sick.com?

“It was good to see you,” is the blow-off signal she gives him. Get back to the cart, deli boy.

“Sorry we don’t talk as much anymore,” he says. Becaaause…you’re at your deli working now? Besides, all he has to do is wait to be rebound guy when Henry heads west to be a baby papa.

Back at the lair, Renee storms into Willie’s kitchen in a nice black top, cardigan, and what I believe is a pair of control-top panties. Woman, you really are crazy. That look hasn’t worked since the 80s. “You bitch! Why are you trying to break up me and Daniel?” Which I believe is grammatically correct but always sounds awkward.

Pissed AND pantless – not a good combo

“We both know what happens to you when things get too serious with men.” She sets them on fire?

“This is nothing like Stony Brook.” Rut-roh. Am I sensing a stalker? Pyro stalker? Fingers crossed!

“Good, it took a lot of work to clean up that mess.” Like a group of firemen? CSI: Long Island?

“I’m warning you, leave us alone or you’ll regret it,” Renee spats. Really? As much as you are going to regret paying $350 a night plus tax at a New York hotel when she kicks your sorry behind out of her cush digs? “I’m not the only one around here who has secrets.” No, but you are pantless, so Willie has sort of won a moral victory. As Renee leaves, the camera focuses on the baby monitor which Christina has placed in the pantry. Christina, listening in, writes “Stony Brook” on a sheet of paper. As opposed to the bathroom wall.

Betty’s on the phone. “Yes Amanda?”

“What’s your favorite thing about getting old?” I know for me, it’s switching to decaf and clogs. “Is it your hair thinning or when kids ask you about Vietnam?” Hee. “And that guy you’re always pretending is your boyfriend is on line 2.” Why didn’t he call Betty’s line directly?

“Hi Birthday Girl!” He’s picking her up some of her favorite Gerber daisies (Genus: Carriagus Rideus) and she tells him of their exciting plans for the evening. “One word: Fireworks!”

“That’s two words.” Dork.

“No, technically that’s one word,” Betty dorks back.

“Nerdapolooza,” Amanda chimes in. Couldn’t agree more.

“Amanda, get off the phone,” Betty says. Why? She’s the most interesting participant right now.

She tells Henry she has to get off the phone because her day “is about to get a lot better.” Nice kick in Henry’s self-esteem. Geez. She thinks the gift Daniel is bringing to her is actually for her. Simpleton. It’s for Renee! And judging by the size of the box, it’s not jewelry unless it’s from Flavor Flav’s Jewelry and Pawn Shop. Daniel starts babbling some boring crap about what is it with him and women, yadda yadda. “No matter what I do, I’m always letting them down.” Maybe you should stop hanging out with them when you are always UP, if you catch my drift, Daniel, which you won’t because you have the IQ of a chimp.

Close up on pink frosted cupcakes and Charlie’s engorged cupcakes. Well, cupcakes always go well with milk, right? “Cupcakes?” Charlie asked. Yes. Didn’t you just read the last sentence? “That so sweet, but didn’t you hear, there isn’t going to be a birthday date.”

“Oh, didn’t YOU hear,” Hilda says, “Betty and Henry have a whole new plan for tonight.” Oh no, Hilda! Never tell the evil plan before you kill 007! You’ll jinx it.

“That Betty doesn’t let anything get in her way.”

“No, she doesn’t. But if it does, I’ve got her back.” That must be a full-time job. Hilda flips up her hand to show off her claws. “These are not just decorative.” Then she scratches the paint off the walls on her way out. No apartment deposit return for you, Henry.

Charlie grabs a cupcake and pounds it down while looking wild. If Hilda really had Betty’s back, she would have put Ex-Lax in those treats. Or RU-486.

This would go great with…BOILED PET RABBIT!

Claire and Alexis are looking over a mock-up of Hot Flash, and with a feature article of “Get Ready for Your Next Act,” I have to tell you they should cancel Mode and put all their money into this baby. It’s going to be a hit, especially since Claire is running it and she’s no fool like her kids. She’s the brains and the brawn of the family.

Alexis declares it “saucy” and Claire agrees, telling her if she looks closely, she’ll see a “nipple imprint.” Claire, no kid needs to hear that from their mother!

“We need to talk,” Alexis says.

“That sounds ominous.” That’s because it’s usually followed by “It’s not you, it’s me (it’s you).”

“It’s about the budget for Hot Flash,” she says. I can’t put any more money into the project. Say-what-now-huh? Cutting mom’s hobby allowance? Watch your brakes on the way home, Alexis.

Claire tells her they haven’t even launched the magazine yet. They can’t let it die. “You’re my daughter.”

“And I’m also your boss,” Alexis says. Women across America run that scene back and watch it over and over and over again. And one more time.

Marc flies into Willie’s house with a bunch of baby gear. Is Wilhelmina really planning on keeping the baby at her house? It’s gorgeous, and baby’s leak from everywhere every chance they get! I just figured she’d keep it at the nanny’s place, or Christina’s for an extra $50K.

Renee says to Marc, “Wilhelmina sure is working you with all this baby stuff.”

“I know, but it’s nothing compared to what she must be going through.” A butt lift in Brazil? “Planning for motherhood and all.” Even he doesn’t believe it. “Where is she anyway?”

“Deep tissue massage. She skipped baby CPR class and made Christina go alone.” Once again, I love the Wisdom of Willie.

“Of course she did…maybe the massage will help circulate the ICE in her VEINS!” Wow! Comment of the week award goes to MARC. That was impressive. “Oops! Did I just say that out loud?” Yes you did.

Renee invites Marc to the home happy hour she is about to enjoy, complete with chocolate martinis. Marc has to think about it. “Liquor and chocolate…hmmm – BRING IT!” This won’t turn out well.

Betty is in the bathroom brushing her mane when Claire steps out of the bathroom and is startled to see someone else in there. “I’m so sorry,” she says, “I try to keep up the appearance that I never use the bathroom. I hope you won’t think less of me.” If the bathroom doesn’t make Betty think less of you, those high-waisted pants certainly will. Those are. Really. High.

Oh crap! She knows I crap!

Claire sniffs. “Are you okay?” Betty asks.

“My own daughter just told me she doesn’t believe in my magazine.” Actually no, she told you there wasn’t any money for it. Big dif, Claire. “I’m calling it quits.” Quitter!

Betty goes off on this huge diatribe about her dreams being crushed, fantasies coming true and how Claire shouldn’t give up. Was she raised in New York or Oz? Betty, next time around, take a business class along with your creative writing – it will help ground you.

“Betty, what reZources do I have?” No really, she put a “Z” in resource. The rich – they have the ability to change letters on a whim. “Everyone I know has turned their back on me.” Write a book and go on Oprah. Everyone will love you then.

“But you’re the most resourceful person I know!” Good point. Claire cuts brakes, burns copies of Mode, breaks into her friend’s summer home to live a lie. “You can do anything.”

Claire faces Betty. “You’re very perky.” Really? Perky? When I think perky, I think Katie Couric. Betty is more spunky. Subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless.

“I’ve heard that before,” Betty says. No you haven’t.

“So what dreams of yours were crushed today?” Claire asks.

“Spending time at an old campground with someone else’s baby daddy,” Betty says. No, she didn’t really. She tells Claire of her dinner plans with Henry. “How do I look?” Claire looks her over, then takes her own earrings off and hands them to Betty. Betty puts them up to her ears while Claire holds her hair back. It really is a nice moment, and The Crab can’t say anything bad about it. It’s this kind of stuff that really makes the show sometimes.

And the moment is ruined when we see Charlie on the sofa with a washcloth on her forehead. Maybe Hilda really did drug the cupcakes. No, Charlie is just being evil. Henry should slip her a Benadryl and head out. Instead, he leaves a message for Betty telling her to skip dinner; he’ll meet up with her later. He should immediately tell Charlie “If you are sick tonight, there’s no going to the parenting seminar tomorrow!” That should heal her but quick.

But alas, the bedazzled phone doesn’t work and instead makes it sound like Henry is totally meeting her at the restaurant. Arriving at the restaurant, she smiles and says, “Suarez, party of two.” She’s doomed. DOOMED. Damn phone.

Marc drunkily says, “So Willie really got that girl to eat dog food?” Oh, stuff like that isn’t hard, especially with kids or frat boys. Trust me.

“And that girl was her best friend. She called it a loyalty test,” Renee says. Really? When I do it I just call it good, clean, mean fun.

“Wilhelmina was always good about getting people to do things they didn’t want to do.”

“She still is,” Marc semi-whispers. Oh no, here it comes. “She practically forced Christina to carry this baby so she could save her husband’s life!” Speaking of which, where did that loser go? Hasn’t he noticed Christina doesn’t come home at night? Maybe he’s at the longest AA meeting ever. Marc continues, “And when Christina finds out who the sperminator is – ”

“I thought it was an anonymous donor?”

“It’s BRADFORD MEADE!” Marc blurts out. “She stole the sperm from his dead corpse (as opposed to his live corpse) and when the bastard heir is born she will finally get her hands on one-third of the Meade fortune.” He polishes off his drink and says, “I think I’m gonna vomit.” What a waste of Stoli! Renee just pours her drink out (wasteful people) and looks evil. I bet she and Charlie would make a good team!

Cheaper than therapy. Tastier too!

Poor Betty. And here comes the snooty, unemployed actor to get all high and mighty with her. You just know that accent is fake. “Are you ready to order?” She begins to send him away then embarrassed, calls him back to order fondue. “That is for two people.” So? Girlfriend might be hungry. “That is a lot of cheese.” Like your accent? At this point, I’d be kicking this guy in the shins. Betty stumbles through a whole speech about how her boyfriend is going to show up and my thought is you don’t owe this guy an explanation. Now order TWO huge pots of cheese! And eat them both!

“Okay Henry, thanks for calling.” Papi has a pained look on his face. Hilda can’t believe Henry is cancelling on Betty or that Charlie is really sick.

“Be-yotch,” Justin says. Hilda and Papi stare at him. “What? You know you guys were thinking it.” They so totally were, too. They decide to throw her a party – including a piñata! Dios mio, I hope it’s of Charlie’s head. Interestingly enough, they forget to invite the birthday girl herself. It never occurs to them that she might have Plans C, D, and E for the evening.

Gio walks up to the reception desk with a piece of cake and a birthday candle in it. Isn’t Betty at dinner, so it would probably be close to dinner time? How late do these people work? And why would Gio bring her a cake now? Just let it go, Crabby.

Amanda tells Gio this reminds her of a “funny story” about Betty. Henry called earlier and is “blowing Betty off” for their date that evening. Gio asks if she gave Betty the message. “I’m a receiver, not a giver,” and you just know there’s a “wide receiver” joke in there somewhere, but it ain’t for the kids.

Back at Willie’s House of Mayhem and Mischief, Renee is fondling a sculpture of a man and woman embracing. Wilhelmina asks if Renee made it (she does have a point) and Renee says it’s a gift from Daniel. Guys, word to the wise: jewelry or a gift card to Macy’s. No sculptures, figurines, Hummels or gnomes. Thanks.

Hope it came with a gift receipt

“You’re not going to ruin this relationship,” she says. Don’t worry, Daniel will. “Not unless you want your own dirty laundry out in the open.” Well, at least it would be La Perla. “I know about Bradford’s baby and your plan to get your claws into the Meade fortune. I know all of it.”

“You know nothing.”

Renee turns on her phone and listens intently to drunky-mcdrunkster Marc gushing forth all the secret plans. No bonus for him this year.

“What did you say phone? I win this round?”

“Last time I checked, sperm stealing was illegal.” Really Renee? You checked on sperm stealing? Recently? In the criminal code of New York? At what point do you Google “Legality of sperm stealing.” Actually, that probably is on the Wik somewhere. “This is all Daniel is going to need to go straight to the public.” Yes, that’s what I’d want to do. Tell the country about my dead daddy’s donation in making a posthumous baby. Freakshow! “Unless…”

“Unless what?” Wilhelmina asks.

“Unless you leave me and Daniel alone. Let me have what I want and you can have what you want.” That sounds like a pretty fair trade. And if Willie gets 1/3 of the Meade fortune and Renee gets ½ of 1/3 of the fortune via Daniel, well, that’s a big fraction of the Meade empire, if you’ll pardon the oxymoron. Which is Daniel. In fact, if 3rd grade math has not failed me, that’s close to half the Meade fortune. These gals are good!

“You really want to do this?” Wilhelmina asks.

“Oh yeah,” she says, as she leaves to have a slumber party with Daniel.

Hot, bubbly cheese is being stirred. Turn down the Sterno, Betty. Faux Frenchy comes back and starts explaining that it’s been awhile, it’s Friday, they are very booked, etc. This sort of ticked me off but then again, have them pack up the damn cheese, rent a DVD and make a night of it! He does offer her a doggie bag for the cheese, which should make for a fun ride home on the subway.

Worst handbag ever

Poor Betty leaves with a Ziploc of hot cheese that probably cost her $75. She saunters across the street when a carriage drives by and Gio yells “Betty!” She walks over. “Henry left a message with Amanda and he can’t make it tonight.” He hands her the message. She’s pissed and devastated at the same time.

“I’m not trying to take his place (except I am!), but when I heard you were on your own (alone and wanting some fireworks), I remembered my cousin drives these things for tourists (as opposed to for the military) and I thought ‘she deserves to have a little fun’ (sex). What do you say?”

Her face says she smells manure. She really doesn’t want to go. I mean, when your birthday starts with a romantic weekend with your lover and ends 12 hours later with a baggie full of steamin’ cheese, well you just want to call it a day. But he convinces her to take a quick ride around the block. Well worth saddling up the horse, buddy.

That is so not Teen Spirit I smell

He holds his hand out like Henry did in her dream and she climbs aboard. As they take off, the waiters in the restaurant watch. OH IN YOUR FACES, BEYOTCHES. Sorry, just channeling Justin there.

“Willie, I know I screwed up, but breaking into Daniel’s apartment? Isn’t that a felony? I’m too pretty for prison. They’ll pass me around like a collection plat at a Catholic Church,” Marc whines. Or an alter boy, ba-da-bum! But he owes Willie and she doesn’t want to end up in jail either.

“I bet you’d do well in prison.”

“I would,” she says. And if Marc doesn’t make it out of Daniel’s apartment alive? “We’ll always have Bergdorf’s.”

In the large conference room, Claire begins talking to a group and says, “We all know what it’s like to be ignored. Taken for granted. Not valued. That is never going to happen with the staff of Hot Flash magazine. Because this isn’t a job (it’s an adventure?). It’s a family.”

No, no – my waist really is all the way up here!”

She sees Alexis, who has been listening to her mother. “Let me introduce you to my beautiful daughter, Alexis Meade.”

Alexis says, “I though I told you there was no money to hire a staff.”

“Relax darling, I don’t need your money or anyone else’s…turns out there’s a work program for recently released inmates,” Alexis loses her smile…and probably clutches to her jewelry, “subsidized by the state, so my overhead is minimal.” So you are using someone’s money, Claire.

“They’re prisoners?” she asks a little too loudly.

“Ex-prisoners, like me.” No, not like you Claire. “They have life experience. And that’s what Hot Flash is all about.” Well, there’s life experience, and there’s life in a women’s prison experience. Two totally separate sections of the magazine rack and porn section of your local video store. I’d recommend a little more demographic research, Claire. And an increase in security, Alexis. “I can’t think of a better talent pool.” Ex-prisoners as writers? I guess that’s not much of a stretch. The only thing between me and murder this morning was a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.

Back to the carriage where Gio is babbling about a birthday party he had with a snowstorm and no one showed up and they had to eat cake for weeks – weeks! How big was that cake? Betty just looks lobotomized. The horse stops to take a dump (fitting) and Gio acknowledges it’s not the birthday she probably imagined. “It’s my own fault,” she says. Yes, for not leaving with Henry that morning when he offered.

“I had this stupid fantasy…fireworks, epic romance, Romeo and Juliet.”

To which Gio reads my mind and says, “You know those two ended up dead in a tomb, right?”

“I try not to think about that part.” Then you just focus on the family feud?

“Fantasies are fun, but we live in reality. It’s not perfect, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be pretty good.” Betty whines about Henry leaving her after the baby is born and Gio tries one more trick. He’s not letting her go home, he’s taking her to the park for those fireworks!

Back at Daniel’s, Marc sneaks around the apartment and sees Renee’s bag on the floor. He steals her phone then spies something in Daniel’s drawer. See-through red and black undies in tighty-whitey style. I actually shuddered when I saw these.

HO-LY MOTHER OF GOD, what sweatshop makes these?

“What are you doing?” Daniel says. Marc is sooo busted on this panty raid! He stutters for a moment, then tells Daniel he wants him, he’s always wanted him, then begins to tease Daniel’s nipples for some reason. Daniel tells him to stop it.

Yep, nips still there!”

“This smells like Wilhelmina,” he says. Like Chanel 666?

“No,” Marc says. “It smells like the beginning of something beautiful,” and he smells the underwear still in his hands.

This doesn’t smell like Teen Spirit either

“I’m calling the police.”

Marc tears out of there saying, “We’ll always have this moment, ciao!”

At Casa Suarez, up go the birthday decoration an in comes the piñata. Really? That was fast. They can’t get in touch with Betty. Then Henry shows up, embarrassed that Charlie tricked him again with her feeling-sick routine. Hilda can’t believe he fell for it either. So here we are, for Betty’s birthday, minus Betty.

Betty and Gio are on their way to the fireworks when one of the carriage wheels breaks. Sort of the carriage version of “I ran out of gas, baby.”

Just put on the spare – Betty will get the jack!

When Betty attempts to get out of the carriage, she, in true Betty form, falls out and manages to dump the hot chocolate she’s carrying all over herself (which is weird because when she fell she threw it up with her hands). Gio tries to dry her off with the tiniest shred of tissue he could find.

She just gets better looking at night, doesn’t she?

Betty is at that point of hysteria where you both laugh and cry at the same time and you just want to fall in bed and pretend the day never happened. Good luck! Gio makes it worse by mumbling about how horrible her birthday is and that she deserves better. “You’re a great girl. So good, and nice…”

“You did everything you could…it’s fine,” she says. Geez, let her go home already.

“I wasted your whole night,” he says. And suddenly construction workers above them, making triple time since they are working on a Friday night, begin doing some welding. Sparks are flying everywhere. “Look!” Betty says. “Fireworks!” That are dangerously close to them in the street! She leans her head against Gio as they watch. WHAT?!

Are those guys peeing sparks? Cool!”

Back at Daniels…”You found Marc with your underwear?” Renee asks. “This smells like Wilhelmina.”

“That’s exactly what I said!” Daniel says. Start picking out china. They have a moment and Renee fesses up to what really happened at Stony Brook. When she was at school, she had a breakdown, went to a facility for treatment, and still sees a shrink. Or, as they phrase it at my alma mater, “I went through rush, joined a sorority, and now see a shrink.” And she takes pills. Everyday. To keep her sane. Doesn’t everyone in New York take pills and see a shrink? And in Des Moines too? Please.

Daniel thanks her for being honest with him and he does still want to be with her. So much so, he invites her to move in. Don’t let her see which undies Marc found, or the deal’s off my friend.

“I wonder what Mister Dull and Sister Crazy are doing right now.” I hope it’s making a CD because that is a fab name for a band. Renee calls and rubs her moving in with Daniel into Willie’s face. “Did you really think I’d be so stupid as to leave that recording just lying around?” Renee asks. Well then, what did Marc take? “If you or Marc interferes again, I’ll release the recording to everyone.” Do it through iTunes so we can all download it! She hangs up.

Marc shows Willie a bag of pills. “Are you sure those are the right pills?” She asks Marc. Wow. Evil!

“They were the ones in that hi-day-ous green bag,” he says.

“What did you replace them with?” Oh, I see where this is going. Me likey the drama!

“Your fat blockers!” Ha! “They were the only ones that matched!”

“Marc, we want her crazy, not crazy and thin!” True. We do already have the Olsen twins. “Those pills are the only thing between my sister and the nuthouse. Once she loses her grip on reality, my plan will be in motion.” Wah-ha-haaaa!

Anti-pyro pills switched with fat blockers? Evil genius, thy name is Marc

Betty returns home to see the remnants of the party she missed. Henry is asleep on the sofa (sexy!). She sees the daisies and the decorations. Wouldn’t it be funny if she totally freaked out and bashed the hell out of the piñata? When she sees Papi, she says, “You didn’t have to do anything special for me.” Papi admits he really threw the party for himself because he likes taken care of his little girl, but he knows he doesn’t need to be making cupcakes for her anymore. “There will never be a day I don’t need you to make cupcakes for me.” Amen, Betty. Now let’s pound down a few.

Back at the lair, Marc tells Willie he doesn’t want to second guess her choices, but “can I ask you something friend to friend?” Willie shudders. Mark’s conscience speaks, “It’s just…what we’re doing…I mean…Renee’s your sister.”

“There are things in her past, Marc, terrible things. You have not idea what she’s done or is capable of.” Leaning closer to Marc, she says, “Renee and I were…” Fuzzing noise. Shh you stupid baby monitor! Willie heads over to the pantry and sees the very obvious baby monitor. Serves you right for buying it so early. Split screens show Christina holding up the other monitor to her ear. Willie clicks hers off. “You think I’m the evil sister, Marc. But at least I’ve stopped short of muuurrrrder!”

Betty finishes inducing sugar coma with her tenth cupcake in a row (now eat the fondue!) and declares them the best birthday presents she got all day. Papi says, “I almost forgot!” and hands her a birthday gift – from Daniel. He remembered he’d forget her birthday, so he dropped her present off weeks ago. Aww.

Betty curls up with Henry, but her face says she’s thinking of someone else. Or the fact that she’s really sticky from the hot chocolate on her dress.

Torn between two lovers and I can’t even get one!

Next week: Gio and Henry duke it out! Elle and Mode duke it out with some weenie from Project Runway! Renee’s meds have worn off and she tries to kill Betty in the middle of a fire I bet she set. Stay tuned!