Ugly Betty: The Little Crazy Train that Could

Lots happened last week on Ugly Betty…but the most important thing (in my mind) is that something is going to catch on fire this week. Hope it’s not the Suarez Hacienda, but I’m loving the drama. Let the crazy begin!

“It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, that gives us 5 hours until your next meeting.” Whoa, does Betty work in my department, because that sounds familiar.

“How can you sound so chipper, we’ve been up until 2am for the last 5 nights?” If you’ve been up until 2am five nights in a row, you’re chipper because you are crazy and running on fumes. Trust me. Betty is all excited because if it’s past midnight, Mode pays to send her home in a town car which is “pretty cool” they have free water. I would have thought the safety of not being attacked would have been the cool part. She tells Daniel to stay away from the mini-bar. Thank God he’s sober this season.

Betty’s getting another call…check caller ID, girl! She clicks over and “BETTY!” Screams Crazy Town Renee. “Daniel isn’t home yet and I’m worried.” How about trying his phone, psycho stalker? Betty tells her she has him on the other line and Renee demands to be put through to him. Can you do that with a cell phone? Mine is from 2000 – doesn’t even have a colored screen, people. Betty wants to go over his schedule with him first, but Renee’s all about the crazy now, and she must speak to him RIGHT NOW. Betty conferences Daniel in.

Not the three-way Betty was hoping for!

“Hey baby,” says Daniel.

“Hi sexy,” says Renee. Oh, yes, this was urgent Renee. “I’m just lying on the bed, all alone.”

“You wearing those new panties I got you?”

“Not anymore.” Betty freaks and hits the off button. I vomit a little. The only thing holding it down is the fire they promised us (I’m really not a pyro myself, I just love the drama).

Casa Suarez…I never noticed how much it looks like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Papi is watching a telenovela, God bless those shows (I can highly recommend Pasion de Gavilanes, it’s on DVD now!) and two women are fighting. “Do women really do this?”

“Yes, except they usually wear bikinis and are covered in mud.” Hilda says. She’s wrong, it’s usually Jello. Justin walks in with a windswept do…not his best look.

Nice Ken Doll Hair, Justin. Lincoln Tunnel or Wind?

“Hello, I’m calling from Hilda’s Beautilities with a glamour opportunity…or a glamortunity…hello? Hello?” Worst direct marketer ever. He’s made 15 calls and no one is interested. Seems like Hilda might consider starting at a real salon versus the back porch.

Betty comes down stairs talking about 30 sandwiches or something, takes Hilda’s coffee, grabs a notebook from under Papi’s ass, and keeps saying, “No, you’re the best Gio, no you are…” and she finally, mercifully, hangs up. “I barely got any sleep last night, I’m a wreck.” How can you tell?

“Daniel’s been keeping you late every night this week,” Papi says. It’s called a job, Papi, did you lose yours or something? Did he lose his job with the partial deportation last season? That would put a crimp in getting to work on time.

“Yes, but I spent half the night dealing with his girlfriend,” she whines. “First she calls, then she texts.” What a shame Betty’s phone doesn’t have an OFF button. Hilda, ever the beautician, offers to fix Betty’s “hot mess” of hair. Let her, Betty.

Betty is getting groomed like my dogs and Hilda is grilling her about Gio. “What’s going on with you two, I heard you on the phone.” Yes, ordering 30 sandwiches is sexy.

“Gio and I are friends again, so what.”

“Wasn’t Henry jealous of you guys?” Hey, if Henry can have his prego baby mama spend the weekend with him without Betty freaking out, I think she can be friends with the deli guy. Henry’s getting awfully jealous and possessive for someone who is leaving in a month or so.

“He is, but he doesn’t know I’m talking to Gio again.” Very healthy relationship, Betty.

“Ohhh, drama…tell Mama Hilda everything.”

“Mama?”

“I’m trying it out.” Like Betty did with the cat scratching last week? ‘Nuff said. “Are you sure hiding things from him is the best thing for your relationship?”

“Yes.” Wow. “Anyway, Charlie is leaving for Tucson today and I want my last four weeks with Henry to be stress-free.” Good luck with that. She takes off as Justin comes in to tell Hilda she has her first appointment. It’s Gina Gambarro, her arch rival/mortal enemy. Justin thought they made up…which they did…until they didn’t.

“I only called her skank to a few people.” Oh Hilda.

“Well, apparently she forgives you, because she wants a manicure.” Oh, if only the Middle East could work that way! “Don’t we need the business? Even skanky business?” Oh, skanky business is the kind that pays.

At the busy Mode offices, Betty is handing Daniel his coffee and a report for his advertising meeting, and telling him about the curtains she’s having put in his office so he can have naptime each day. With milk and cookies. When he’s bad, don’t forget to give him a time-out. “Mmmm….you smell good,” she tells Daniel.

“It’s Victor and Rolf, a gift from Renee.” Betty’s about to Rolf.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. Renee keeps calling me to schedule fun things for you two to do together.”

“See, that’s what I mean, she’s so thoughtful.” Poor Daniel. You’d think as a total player he would have had to contend with a stalker by now, and would notice the signs.

Betty shows him a schedule she came up with for his week that as far as I can tell is a bunch of colorful post-it notes in a notebook. Way technical Betty. Hope it doesn’t get too windy or Daniel won’t know where to go next. “She gets mad when I tell her you don’t have time for cooking class.” Hint, hint.

This season, I’m going retro – back to the 80s with your shedule!

“I know it’s a busy week, but I really like this girl.” Man, subtlety is just lost on this guy. Get the hint, Betty doesn’t want to field your sex calls. “Can you try and work things out?” Here’s a clue. When your assistant says, “Sure. Uh-huh,” in short, curt tones and crosses her arms, she is not pleased.

Over to Wilhelmina…”I’m just concerned, Dr. Remus. Renee’s behavior this week has been so erratic. Is it possible her medication’s not working anymore?” Well, that will happen when you DON’T ACTUALLY TAKE IT. “What symptoms should I look for to see if she’s backsliding?” Uh, fires and more fires?

“Well, your sister has struggled for years with issues of paranoia,” says the doctor. With Willie as her sister, can you blame her? You’d always be watching your back. And we cut to the montage of the Crazy Train headed into town…

“What do you mean he’s in a meeting? Who is he meeting with?” She’s frantically pacing all around the apartment. “Is he trying to avoid me?” No, that’s Betty.

Back to the doctor, “Probably coinciding with a rise in irrational, jealous behavior…”

“I know you can’t tell me if there is someone else. Okay, you didn’t say anything, there IS someone else,” Renee freaks.

“Renee, you didn’t give me a chance to speak,” Betty says.

“As well, I’d expect you’d encounter severe mood swings,” says Dr. Remus.

“No, his afternoon cannot be booked up because I scheduled his and her massages today at Bliss.” Oh, that he might squeeze in, good call Renee.

“The weekend would be better,” answers Betty.

“BLISS!” Renee screams. Oh, it is blissful when Renee’s involved.

“Usually followed by some emotional crash,” says Dr. Remus.

“Are you…crying?” Betty asks.

“No, no…” Renee bawls. Must be an express train!

“Followed by a nausea, dizziness, fever, muscle twitch, sudden loss of motor skills, vomiting, flatulence, and complete and utter collapse. And don’t call me Shirley!” he finishes.

It’s like she’s those theater faces – happy and sad, only alive!

Wilhelmina hates to bring this up, but “is there a time we should consider committing my poor sister?” Yes, that time was five minutes ago. The doctor just stares. Outside, Willie tells Marc, “We have a lot of work to do.” Actually, if you had seen the montage instead of being in it, you would know that really, your work is done. Give Marc that bonus early. “Dr. Facial Hair won’t consider committing Renee until she is a danger to herself or others.” Done and done!

“We don’t want to hurt anyone,” Marc says. I pause the DVR and think about that one. Hmmm. No, I guess not. Not really, anyway. I wouldn’t mind giving Daniel a sucker punch to his upper arm to leave a nice bruise, but nothing really beyond that. Maybe a kick to the shins for Charlie, but I haven’t hit a pregnant woman in a long time. They cry too much.

“Your future is at stake too, Marc,” she says while he winces. “Renee knows about Bradford’s baby and our less than legal method of procuring a donor.”

“Well, I switched the pills about a week ago, so Crazy Train should be arriving at Gare du Renee, well, about now.” Tres bien, Marc. I guess that makes Willie Soul Train?

“Well, we may need to give her a little push. Schedule a lunch today with my sister at La Brulee. And go back to my apartment and keep an eye on Christina.” Oh please, she needs the money, she won’t do anything stupid. “And don’t pout, you haven’t the lips for it.” Maybe collagen injections could be his bonus?

Piles of deli sandwiches can only mean one thing – Gio! Betty is telling him how she’s trying to play nice with Renee, but well, you know. Bitch is crazy. “Just because you promised to be nice doesn’t mean you let Renee walk all over you.” Yeah, that’s Daniel’s job. Betty spots Henry looking around for her.

“Looks like we’re all set her Gio, thanks,” and she flees the room and the conversation. Gio sees Henry. Henry sees Gio. “Hi!” Betty says.

“Was that Gio?” The perfume? No, not at all. It’s Giorgio.

“Oh, yeah, he was dropping off sandwiches.” Quickly changing the subject, she says, “You and I should celebrate, let’s find a place to have dinner tonight.”

“Betty, I have to tell you something,” Henry says. If this were a true telenovela, he’d tell her he was in love with Gio. Unfortunately, it’s about Charlie. Skank!

“Can I pretend for a second that it’s going to be good news?” Don’t you always?

“She had a panic attack at the airport, and her doctor is afraid it’s going to bring on early labor. He doesn’t want her to travel.” Just so we’re all clear, it was okay for her to fly to NY for the weekend, but now she can’t fly back. Also, in that weekend, she was able to score an OB/GYN, which as many of you women know is IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT A SIX MONTH WAIT. Which is why I just head to the vet’s office with my dogs for a quick check up each year. Not only does she check my teeth, but I get fleas and ticks removed with the appointment! And a Milkbone when I pay!

“She’s staying here?” Nothing gets by Betty. The next thing out of her mouth should be “Then I don’t want to hear one more damn thing about Gio!”

“Until the baby’s born.” Babies always ruin a show! Doesn’t anyone remember the Murphy Brown debacle? And the current Vice President will probably steal Charlie’s soul…wait. That wouldn’t be all bad. “Look, I am going to make this work, I promise.” How? How will you make living with your baby mama work with your relationship with Betty while the baby mama lives with you? If only they knew about Mode’s super-secret sex room like everyone else at the office.

“I get it, it’s fine. Besides, New York City is a great place to be born.” And die. “I gotta go.” She’s probably headed to Gare du Renee to make sure she gets that first class seat on the Crazy Train headed for the brick wall, because there is no way she is going to hold this together. Henry, I never thought I would say this because honestly, j’adore you, but you sir, are a huge douche!

Chanel martini with a Gucci twist – it’s Gina Gambarro decked out like only trashy Jersey (or if you live in Jersey, Long Island) housewives can be. “And before you know it, BAM! he asks me to be Mrs. Dr. Goldfarb.” Oh, for a second there I thought maybe Emeril made her part of his etouffee.

“That is quite a story,” Hilda says while filing Gina’s nails. Which is weird, because Gina was tapping already finished nails on her other hand, so does Hilda do one hand first then the next? Well, I guess she does have a lot of time on her hands.

“And the best part about eloping on a cruise is that we were already in Cancun!” She doesn’t add how it made it easier for her to be filmed for Girls Gone Wild Cancun Style, Spring Break 2008. “We honeymooned in his timeshare.” He has a timeshare on the ship?

“That is so great,” Hilda says through gritted teeth. “And you shouldn’t feel bad, everyone gains weight on a cruise.” Hilda, you are my new hero, I can’t wait to use some iteration of that on someone soon.

“You’re probably not used to seeing designer clothes,” Gina says. Well, not all of them heaped on one person at the same time, Glamour Don’t. “Roomier is a look you pay for.” I don’t remember seeing that article in Vogue. Gina says she just wanted to come back to the neighborhood to see her old friends. “And I wanted to know how you’re doing, of course.”

Hey, it takes money to look this trashy

Hilda gives her the so-busy comment. “You were lucky I could fit you in today.” Yes, you are swamped and the phone is just ringing off the hook. Gina tells her the “salon” a.k.a. “back porch” is adorable.

“It kind of reminds me of my closet up in Mount Kisco.” What, no cedar? Hilda plays the Santos card, calling it a difficult year. “I was sorry to hear about Santos. But if I have learned anything (from the fortune teller on the cruise?), is that there is a higher power that has a plan for all of us. Maybe you’re just meant to be alone.” Yes, that’s why God killed Santos, to punish Hilda. Money really does buy class. Hilda pokes her in the nail. Well, at least the anger management classes are coming in handy, otherwise she would have stabbed the nail all the way through.

“You are so good at this,” Gina says, adding, “Maybe I should come back later so you can do my feet.” Too bad Hilda prefers strawberry to your toe jam. “Oh, and I can bring Larry, it’ll be fun…ciao,” she says and walks out. Hilda really should start charging her customers if she wants this business to work. Again, probably why she should be in a salon where most of the time people remember to do that.

Betty comes around the corner to see Renee at her desk messing with The Schedule! “WTF?” Betty asks, just more politely.

“Oh, I’m concerned about Daniel’s posture and I found this great Alexander Technique teacher, but he can only see him this afternoon.” Seriously, I need a pre-cancerous mole looked at and I have to wait two months for an appointment. I should fly to NY because clearly the doctors have taken a page from the Appointment Book of Hilda. Renee makes the mistake of moving one of Betty’s post-its to another section of the calendar. Oh, hell no!

“Daniel’s schedule is my job, so please don’t touch his calendar.” Again, Betty, use the one in Outlook. So much easier than colorful post-its and less chance someone will molest it. No means no! Betty moves the post-it back.

“Daniel’s my boyfriend, so if I want him to do something, you can’t stop him missy.” Post-it moved. Did she really just call Betty missy?

“Well he’s not available this afternoon.” Isn’t it ironic that the laziest person in this show is the busiest out of all of them? Odd. Betty checkmates the post-it and pulls the schedule away from Renee. Bad move, Betty. They start pulling on either end of the schedule and suddenly the book burst and more post-its than were on the calendar fall from the ceiling like confetti, and someone at 3M gets fired for shoddy sticky-back work.

Is it New Year’s already?

Daniel, ever the doof, happens upon this scene and says, “What’s going on?” It’s surprising he doesn’t carry a drool cup around with him.

Betty finds her backbone, walks over to Daniel, and under her breath spats, “Daniel, I tried. It’s not working. I know you really like this girl, but when it comes to this office, it’s her or me.” Let’s see…Betty saves your ass all the time, Renee just wants your ass. It’s gonna be a draw for Daniel.

“What the hell was that?” He asks Renee.

“Isn’t it obvious? Your assistant is totally in love with you.” First stop on our journey, Delusionville. Daniel laughs and looks at Betty who is looking back at him, and his smile fades. You know, the Prince of Nigeria should really contact Daniel, because I’m thinking he could get a boatload of money pretty easily from this dolt. “It’s never occurred to you before? The way she follows you around hanging on your every word.” She’s the assistant to a fashion magazine editor. Seems like it might be kind of busy each month.

“She’s my assistant, that’s her job.” At least he’s starting to get it.

“It’s so sweet how modest you are.” What? “I’m surprised more women don’t tear your clothes off.”

“It’s happened.”

“And how many have been your assistants?” Damn! She’s got you there, horn-dog. “Is there something you might have said to lead her on?” Yes, like “You’re hired”? Dude, you know she has the hots for her knight in shining excel files. She prefers numbers guys, not boob guys. He flashes to earlier that morning when he said he loved her (for helping him) and she said he smelled great.

Betty is on the phone with Christina and they are comparing rides on the Crazy Train. Now things at Chez Willie are strangely quiet, and when Marc comes around he’s unusually nice…like now, when he’s offering to give her a foot massage. Ick for both of them. Christina calls him a wanker and tries to send him off. Apparently Christina is stuck there until the baby is firmly in place, I’m guessing 3 months? Seems like they are doing a lot to stress Christina out – should have let her go home! She fakes morning sickness to make Marc go away. “If you want me to start snooping, I will, but you need to see what Daniel knows as well!” Betty agrees.

Willie is sipping her drink at a restaurant when Renee flies in the door. “It is just like you to choose this place after everything I went through here.” Then you should have suggested another restaurant or stood your sister up. She’s not the boss of you! Willie plays dumb then sucks in her breath.

“Oh, my, this was Gregory’s favorite place, wasn’t it? How utterly tasteless of me.” Renee tries to storm out but Willie wants to apologize for how she’s acted. Hope the restaurant is a 24/7 kind of place, they’re going to need the time. She tells Renee she was trying to protect her since Daniel has “cheated on his girlfriends. A lot.” That’s putting it mildly.

“But he really seems to have changed for you.” Just like the Kennedys when they got married. Renee thinks she’s trying to pick a fight but Willie swears she’s not, mostly because it’s opposite day. “There’s no reason for you to be worried or jealous.” Except there is and you should be! That Betty is one hot tamale and she’s after your stud!

“And what a better place to toast your joyous future and say goodbye to all those awful memories of…Gregory Larson.” And on cue a waiter shows up with a birthday cake and candles and says, “Happy Birthday!” Dun-dun-dunnnnn! Wouldn’t that be awesome if she smashed her hand into the cake to extinguish the flames? “There must be a mistake,” Willie says, “I think you have the wrong table.” Like hell he does.

Crap! I just got a manicure. How will I put this out?

“No candles….no candles….” Renee tears out of the restaurant. Pay the man, Willie.

“You are a dear,” she says to the waiter, handing him money.

Daniel – sleeping in his office, go figure. Betty walks in as sexy music begins to play. Not Kenny G, you freaks. She says, “I thought it was a little too bright in her for your nap,” and she wiggles her hips as she pulls the curtains shut in an awkwardly sexy way. Daniel tells her she doesn’t have to do that. “Don’t be silly, it will be sooo muuuch better with the lights off.” She saunters over and says she’s just trying to help him relax. How about turning off that huge light over his head, unless you plan to interrogate him. “I need you at your best this afternoon,” she says while fondling his hair. Good luck getting that hair gel out of your nails.

Do fries come with that shake? Yowza!

Daniel sits up all panicked. “How about a massage,” she says while she rubs his shoulders. “Just let Betty take care of everything. Mmmm, you smell so good Daniel, like muscles (pew!) and power (yay!).” She throws him back on the…sofa? and says “I want you” and goes in for a kiss.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

“No!” Daniel says suddenly, scaring everyone else who is apparently paying attention to the meeting they are having. Geez, hope he was able to keep that sex dream a secret, if you know what I mean. Someone hand him an 8th grade math book quick! Betty covers for him, asking for new layout ideas in an hour. Who died and made her editor?

“Did I really fall asleep in the middle of a meeting?” Like that’s the first time. “You just need some rest,” she says, closing the curtains. He freaks and tells her he’s wide awake and to leave the shades open. They’re curtains. Thank God you’re not running Metropolitan Home magazine.

Daniel, now that we’re alone, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…it’s a little personal.” This is it. She’s going for it! But Daniel runs out of his office.

How most of Crabby’s dates end

Back at Willie’s place, where she and Marc are planning on keeping Dr. Remus on speed dial. “So sad Gucci doesn’t make straight jackets.”

“I get no joy from this, Marc.” Liar! This is what feeds you and keeps you alive. This and the blood of unicorns.

“Well, at least you aren’t the one who committed mur – ” Marc begins and Willie gasps.

“Marc, you need to be careful when discussing Renee and the M word!”

“Since the coast is clear, can I say it once? Murderrrrr.” And their voices carry ’til Tuesday. Or at least to Christina’s room via the vent. She then overhears Willie telling Marc to get the lock on her armoire changed, just in case.

Do I hear far-off bagpipes, or is that just hagpipe Marc?

Back at Mode, Sir Snooze-a-Lot is accosted by his sister in a tragic Salem Witch Trial outfit from the ’80s saying, “Did I hear right, you fell asleep during a meeting?”

Daniel, my flying monkeys didn’t return home last night!

She is worried because they have a meeting coming up with some high-maintenance designer from Project Runway who they want in their magazine. I’m so not interested, I’m not looking him up on IMDB and I’m not muting the TV so I can get closed caption to spell his name correctly. People, The Crab hates crossover shows (think sweeps week), especially when people play themselves. I saw the commercials and this person is at 14:30 minutes on the Warhol clock and counting.

Alexis tells Daniel his is all linty (because he was pulling stuff from the Mode dryer in the super-secret laundry room?) and out of nowhere pops Betty with a lint roller. She starts rolling him and he gets all twitchy. You know, maybe he’s in love with her? “So Daniel, that thing I wanted to ask you about earlier? It’s about Renee.” Then she knees down and starts rolling his legs…awkward position there, Betty. Hope Henry doesn’t see that, he’ll flip out. “How much do you really know about Renee?” she asks, getting too close to Little Daniel. Daniel jumps back.

“How’s Henry?” he asks. Betty tells him she doesn’t get to see him a lot because of the workload this week.

“It’s like you’re my boyfriend now,” she says. Daniel twitches. So he goes to the best person for advice on such matters, Amanda, who is voguing in front of a mirror wearing the sheer version of Alexis’s witch outfit and sporting a Shirley Temple do. He asks her what she would do if someone had a crush on her and it started affecting her work. His first mistake: Thinking she works.

Daniel, have I told you about my new clan of flying monkeys?

“Oh my God, I knew it. Someone has a crush on me. Is it Nick Pepper? Because he’s been acting really weird since we made out that time.” Daniel has to explain it’s not always about her. It’s always about him.

“I’m talking about Betty.”

“You think Betty has a crush on you?” Even Amanda is smart enough to know better. “Although she is on the rocks with that hot accountant of hers. I heard they were fighting this morning. Yawn, more baby mama drama. I guess the girl he got all preg-nasty is waiting around to pop it out. So now triple chins is into you.” And the award for best comment this episode goes to Amanda. Excellent work.

“What am I going to do?”

“Daniel, when you are letting someone down, it helps to be sensitive to their feelings,” wait for it….”you weren’t always that way with me.” Oh, bummer. I thought she was going to toss off another award-winning bitchy comment about Betty. “I always thought she’d end up with that guy Gio. He’s so pathetically into her.” Man, and I thought I could gossip.

“What was that about Gio and Betty?” Uh-oh. Hot Accountant overheard.

“Nothing, he’s just totally in love with her.” She twists around to see Henry. “Oops!” Pause. “You could do better.”

Hilda is stealing from the Mode closet to get back at Gina. Whatevs. Hilda needs to let it go. But she’s grabbing accessories left and right because what better way to get back at trash than to trash yourself up? Hilda shouldn’t be jealous of Gina. “Hilda, this is not healthy.”

“You’re one to talk about jealousy what with Charlie and Henry and Henry and Gio.” Good point. Pot/Kettle/Black.

“That is totally different.” Only if different is the exact same. How healthy can that love quadrangle be? Luckily, Betty’s phone rings so we can get on to more important story lines…it’s Christina, and she asks for Betty’s help in going through Willie’s files. She tells Betty that Wilhelmina was talking about Renee and mentioned the M-word. “Murderrrr!”

Henry purposefully enters Gio’s deli (so the window did get fixed!). Gio looks at Henry funny and says, “What can I do for you?”

“You can stay away from Betty.” Must be high noon in New York. “I only have four weeks left with her. I don’t need to be hearing that you are always around with some…crush.” Well maybe he doesn’t need to hear you’re around with some…expense reports.

“Whoa…crush? I don’t know where you are getting that from.” Amanda, that’s where. And she knows all!

“Just stay away from her. Got it?” He turns to leave and Gio calls him out. My man!

“Oh, I see, you want to fight.” Henry turns back around. “All right. Let’s get it over with.” A fight and an impending fire? This episode rocks! Henry tries to beg off saying that’s not what he wanted, and Gio says, “When a guy in my neighborhood says what you just said, that means a fight.” That means a fight in Manhattan? As Manhattonites, wouldn’t they just have their attorneys take care of things? “I’ll even let you have the first swing.” Gio makes a sudden move and Henry belts him. Gio crumbles to the floor. That Henry! He’s like Superman under Clark Kent clothes and accessories.

Geez, first his window, now his nose. That deli is cursed!

“Son of a bitch!” Hey, don’t make fun of Henry’s unborn child, Gio. “Man can you hit!” You should see him joust at Ye Olde Renaissance Fair. “I wasn’t going to hit you, I was just trying to scare you off. I didn’t think you were going to hit me.”

“Neither did I.” He hands Gio a bottle of chilled papaya juice (?) to put on his nose.

“Are you really mad at me, or is this about something else?” Like your life going down the crapper? Like being torn between two lovers? Like the new actuary getting the better cube?

“I’m stuck.” You’ve got that right. “Trying to be a good boyfriend and I’m not a good dad, trying to be a good dad and I end up hurting Betty. I’m afraid I’m going to lose her.” Dude, you are going to lose her because according to you, you are moving to Tucson to be with your baby once it’s born. Betty ain’t going with you, otherwise there’s no show. So unless Charlie plans on staying in New York…oh, crap. Oh holy mother of crap, that better not be the case. Otherwise…murrrderrrr.

Gio says what he doesn’t understand is if Henry has four weeks left with Betty, what is he doing at the deli with Gio? Well, a guy’s gotta eat, I guess. But otherwise, good point.

“Henry did WHAT to you?” Betty yells into the phone. In the background Christina is going through Willie’s armoire. She whispers to Christina, “Henry punched Gio!” and for some reason, Christina is glad. Unfortunately, Betty is too busy to hear the details and will need to call him back.

“Take a look at all the dirt Wilhelmina has on all these people…Madonna, Trent Lott, George Clooney.” Oh no you didn’t. You’d better take that one back, bitch, or Crabby with cut you but good. Oh, Ryan Seacrest has a file too. Think it’s a picture of him making out with Simon? Neither do I. Betty finds one for “Rhonda Slater.” Wanda, Wilhelmina; Rhonda, Renee? They find an article “Stony Brook Professor Dies in Fire.” Score! Finally to the fire! They also find a picture of Renee with said professor. Did you notice he, like Daniel, is white? She’s a pyro-racist! Damn!

This actor’s one chance at being on national TV. Ouch.

Oh brother – back to the Mode offices where the winner of Project Runway is coming in for a meeting, yadda yadda, seriously? This is why I watch Design Star instead. This guy is a total tool. At least Sparkle from last season’s Design Star was less imp-like. “The house of Siriano has arrived.” It’s more of a tree house, freak. At first I thought he said Syriana, and I was like “you leave Clooney alone, imp!” Then Daniel uses the word fierce and I’m reminded of my days as an assistant buyer for, well, let’s just say their stores aren’t limited, when everyone used the word “fresh.” Christ!

14:30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 …

Then imp calls Alexis a “hot tranny mess” and I sort of like him. No. The feeling has passed. He has the models “work it” and they walk back and forth like robots. Hideous outfits. Then Crazy Train pops into the depot, asking what is going on. Uh, a meeting. That’s what people who work do most of their day, spend their time in meetings so they can’t get their regular work done, much like I spend my day.

Pointing to the models Renee says, “Are these your whores?” Yes. “Is this your slut?” Too bad she wasn’t pointing at Alexis. “After everything we’ve been through, I will not lose you without a fight.” Yes, after these couple weeks of sex and moving in together, I’ve sacrificed too much to just walk away.

Trannies to the left of me, sluts to my right, here I am stuck in the middle with you!

Back to Nancy Drew and her Hispanic sidekick…finding commitment papers! Renee was involuntarily hospitalized for six years. Six years? Wonder if she was ever a girl, interrupted?

Daniel is arguing with Renee who says she had to do something to get his attention. Well, calling people whores and sluts during a business meeting is a good way. Maybe I’ll try that, see how it goes. “You have been avoiding me. I’ve called and called and called, but that Betty won’t let me through.”

“I’ve been in meetings.”

“Yeah, with beautiful women.” Crazy how a fashion magazine for women needs them.

“How many times do I have to tell you, there are no other women.” His phone rings and she rips it out of his hands and throws it violently on the floor where it smashes into a bunch of pieces.

“There’d better not be or I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL YOU.” Way to leave witnesses alive, there, Renee.

I KILL YOU DEAD!

“Sometimes, there’s no other word,” says imp. “Fierce!” No, coo-coo le coo is more like it. 14:59, now get out of this episode!

Daniel goes to his phone and dials. “Look, you tried to warn me. I’m just afraid Renee might hurt someone.”

Wilhelmina on the other end of the line, “Oh, Daniel, what a hard decision it must have been,” and to Marc, “Call Dr. Remus. I think Daniel will help the doctor with his commitment issues.” Does Daniel swing that way? Marc has the doc on speed dial.

Words pop up on a report – JEALOUSY. PARANOIA. ANGER. PYROMANIA. Next, on a very special Little House on the Prairie. Christina and Betty have hit the jackpot of files. “Didn’t you say she flipped out when you lit a candle?” Betty asks.

“One sister is a pyro, one is a psycho, real winners in this family.” That’s what happens when you are raised by government officials. Renee+Professor+Jealousy+Fire-Reality=Dead boyfriend! And Betty’s immediate thought is Daniel.

Betty calls the office to talk to Daniel and finds out from Amanda he has already headed home after a “huge fight with his girlfriend in the middle of the meeting.” When Betty asks about the fight, Amanda says, “I’m all for a little boyfriend stalking, but that woman is craaaaay-zaaaay.” Betty runs off to find Daniel.

Back at Salon Suarez. Filler! Get to the pyro. Hilda shows up in her trashiest “finest” to show Gina. They both look like hos. Gina kicks off her Pradas and Hilda says they don’t look right. Gina compares them to a snowflake, they are all different. Yes, well, those small Chinese hands do add character to the shoes. Anyhoo, Hilda says that her snowflakes are snowfakes (I prefer “Frauda”) and starts ripping on her for all of her faking. Start with her boobs, Hilda! Hilda even goes as far to say Gina isn’t even married. Gina shows her his card.

Santa will be happy with all the ho’s in this house!

“Chiropractor! That’s not even a real doctor!” Uh, that’s the doctor that saved Crabby from back surgery. Well, for a few years anyway. Those guys are geniuses. But, they are like mushrooms – people either love ‘em or hate ‘em, there’s no in-between. And if Crabby could land herself a chiropractor, oy! But clearly Hilda cares not for mushrooms!

Jersey chiro shows up and Gina whines that she wants to leave. He says, “Whatever makes you happy.” Then he rips on Hilda for making Gina feel bad. “Your life must be pretty sad.” Of course it is! The love of her life was murdered and now she’s running a crap-ass salon out of her back porch. And her boobs are eventually going to hit her knees! This is tragedy of Grecian proportions, people.

“Renee is, among other things, a borderline personality.” On the other side of the border? All bitch. “Without medication, she’ll fixate on a person and become jealous if she thinks she’s losing her hold on them.” Which would immediately beg the question – is she taking her meds? Someone might want to check on that pronto. The doctor continues about how she likes to burn things down and bake cookies. Actually, that last part I made up. Daniel asks about her killing her professor. “Well, it’s a little more complicated than that,” the doctor says. No, I’m pretty sure that was straightforward murder.

Greagory Peck+Freud=Daniel’s Oedipus Complex

“I can’t believe Renee would want to kill me,” Daniel says.

“Technically, you’re right.” Uh-oh, Daniel’s not a technical person. “Renee focuses on a ‘gatekeeper.’ Someone she thinks is keeping her from her lover.” Who could that be? Think. Think!

“What’s important is that we get Renee back into the asylum where she belongs,” Wilhelmina says. Or you could just do a physical and see if she needs to up her meds. I’m just saying.

The doctor then tells Daniel about how Renee really went after her professor’s secretary. She set the fire to trap the secretary, and accidentally killed her lover. I hate when that happens.

Betty gets to Daniel’s apartment and the door is open. CALL THE POLICE. No, wait, why don’t you just walk in? Maybe you can be the one to discover Daniel’s corpse! Candles everywhere…on wooden floors! I wonder if those are Pergo. They can withstand anything. Including hundreds of candles.

The door slams behind Betty, and it’s Norman Bates! No wait, it’s Renee, and the Crazy Train is making its final stop. Renee says she was planning on having a romantic evening with Daniel, but once again Betty got in the way of it, “just like you’ve been doing all along.” No worries since it’s Pergo Betty – go ahead and wet yourself! It won’t hurt the floor, that’s why my vet has them in her lobby.

This has fire hazard written all over it. On the other hand, perfect for dog pee.

“Daniel’s mine Betty, and I’m not going to let you have him.” She starts chasing her with a Bic lighter. A Bic? Betty, you are scrappy. Bust her ass! “I see how you look at him, how you talk to him, you answer his phone, you control his appointments…”

It’s Colonel Mustard, in Daniel’s apartment, with the Bic lighter! No, wait, it’s Renee!

“I’m his assistant.” Good point. Hope it buys you more time. She tries to run away but Renee catches her.

“He sleeps with his assistants!” Renee screams, knocking a candle over (awfully close to a curtain. Hope it’s flame-retardant, but I’m guessing it’s not).

“Renee, I have a boyfriend that I really, really love.”

“Then why are you spending all of your days and nights at work with my boyfriend.” Well, she’s got you there, Betty. Betty then goes off on this inexplicable story about Henry and Gio and ends with “it’s complicated.”

“So you have two guys?” Renee asks. Actually, if you count Daniel, it’s three. Betty’s phone rings. Maybe it’s the phone company offering to extend her contract. Betty grabs her phone.

“Daniel it’s Betty, I’m in your apartment, Renee’s crazy, she’s trying to kill me,” and while she’s saying all of this she’s whipping a piñata in front of Renee’s face – no wait, it’s her handbag. My bad. Renee grabs the phone away from Betty and throws her on the floor. Then she hangs up the phone. Daniel is in the car with Willie and Marc. He gives the driver extra money and says, “I don’t care what you do, just get us there faster.” You know who else can get there fast? The police. It’s called 9-1-1. Give it a whirl.

Get back or I’ll hit you with this paper mache donkey!

“I really hope it doesn’t come to this, but I know some very good people who would love to be your assistant,” Marc says. Comforting!

Betty’s trying to save herself by telling Renee the whole Henry/Charlie/Gio story that is probably confusing the hell out of Renee right now. Renee tells her to stop talking and grabs a letter opener while Betty grabs a…candle extinguisher or whatever its fancy name is. Smooth. That’ll show her. “Renee, you don’t want to make this worse than it already is.” The curtains ignite. “Renee, the apartment is on fire.” I’m guessing she’s okay with that.

Daniel’s fire sale seems to be going well.

Renee isn’t letting Betty leave. Damn, that fire has spread everywhere. Does Daniel own a lot of children’s items? They are awfully flammable. “I am just his assistant. Daniel loves you.”

“You think Daniel loves me?” Renee says.

“Yes, I can see it in his eyes and in the way he talks about you.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me Betty. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.”

Daniel, Wilhelmina, and Marc show up and try to get into the apartment. Doesn’t Daniel live in a secure building? Isn’t there a doorman? Aren’t there smoke detectors and sprinklers? Why haven’t they called the fire department? Why all these questions?

Because Daniel lives in downtown Ft. Wayne, that’s why

For the love of God, have the writers lost their senses? Oh good, Daniel busts the door open with the fire extinguisher. Luckily Betty is already standing there with another extinguisher, putting out the last of the flames. “You don’t pay me enough.” Amen, sister. Bring this up at your next review. “Yes, well, I know I came in at ‘meets expectations,’ but remember the time I dodged being murdered so I could save your apartment from burning down? Let’s make it a 4% raise instead of 3%.”

At least give her a gift certificate to the salon for some product!

Ah, finally the fire fighters. Renee said she thought she was getting better. Did someone just slip her a pill? She just got lucid. She and her mascara’d face are walked out and Wilhelmina says, “We’ll get you the help you need.” And eye makeup remover too. Daniel sits down next to Betty quietly.

Wow, you should have used waterproof mascara.

“She just looked so lost afterwards,” Betty is telling her family while Hilda cuts out Betty’s singed hair. Melted is more like it. “And then they just took her away.” Betty has to get back to work. “I think Daniel’s going to need a friend today.” Hilda gives her the stuff back from the Closet. Although she looked good and told Gina off, Gina does still have love. Blech. Betty says no matter what, “Gina’s still trash.” She always knows what to say to make Hilda feel better. That’s so sweet.

Daniel is in his office, staring out the window. Betty brought him coffee and a pastry (I’m guessing). Daniel tells Betty he really loved her. But then he says, “I need to be more sensitive, so I don’t want to talk about this in front of you.” Clearly the doctor’s info yesterday didn’t complete get rid of Daniel’s delusion. He tells Betty he knows she has a crush on him and it was bound to happen. “We’re going to have to work through it together.”

Betty plays into it. “Yes, you’re right. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“No, I wish I could be your morning bagel so I could get caught between your beautiful teeth.” Heh. “Come on, you know I love you,” then she makes a face, “but not like that.” She sees Henry. “There’s the guy I do love.”

The idea of all those STDs you pass to girlfriends…blech!

She tells Henry she loves him and doesn’t want him to be jealous of her friendship with Gio. He’s just glad she’s okay. So they spend another day in denial of the impending doom of their relationship. Daniel just sighs. Dude, if you can get over being humiliated on national TV by Selma Hayek’s character, you can get past crazy pyro stalker girlfriend. Although I’m guessing Page Six will be all over this. Sorry buddy.

It’s always Happy Ending Day at Mode…for Betty

Next week – Betty’s throwing Charlie a baby shower then ends up yelling at her, and Charlie retaliates by bursting her water all over Casa Suarez. Willie lets the family know she’s having Bradford’s baby with a theater-sized sonogram reminiscent of Apple’s 1984 commercial (readers born after 1984, check it on YouTube, it’s probably there), and Amanda acts slutty. Can’t wait!