Ugly Betty: Betty’s Baby Bump Blows and Sucks

Kids, this episode of Ugly Betty irritated the Crab to no end. It wasn’t just me, either…the scuttlebutt with the other worker bees at the office the following day leads me to believe that this episode caught a lot of people the wrong way, much like many shows are doing lately. Let’s blame the writer’s strike like everyone else has been.

Boone’s in brandy snifters. Them kids is klassy!

We open to a scene of hideous music (New Kids? 98 Degrees? No wait – Menudo?) while wine is being poured into what looked like brandy snifters. Henry and Betty are toasting each other over dinner at his place. Gee, what could possibly go wrong now that Charlie’s staying until the kid is born. And the timeframe on this kid gets less believable each week.

They toast to making the most of the time they have left together. It’s like they’re sitting Shiva on their relationship! Oh, and guess who walks on in? And they call it, Char-lie. “Uh oh. Am I too early?” Yes, beyotch, because apparently you left 15 minutes ago and Henry and Betty weren’t eating Micky D’s. Why does Betty’s wine look like strawberry Boone’s? Henry really does know how to treat a girl right. Or at least get her “fired up” before a night of quarter beers (junior year roommate flashback).
“I swear I stayed out as long as I could,” she says.

“Really? Because you only left 15 minutes ago,” Henry said.

“Oh, I had no idea. I can’t wear a watch because my arms are so bloated from carrying your child.” See, this is where Betty should have packed it in, and ABC should have moved right into Grey’s Anatomy, A Very Whiney Episode, starring Amy Madigan Who Has Not Aged Well. Any woman with any self-respect would have been like, “dude, this game is over!” But not martyr Betty. And kids, this episode just gets worse on the self-respect level from here. Let’s begin our judgment!

Wow, those wrists really are thick!

Charlie fakes a light head saying her blood sugar must be low and Henry jumps up to take care of her. How about eating some of your arm? Seems like there might be enough there for a snack. She tells Henry she needs some food and proceeds to sit down where he was sitting across from Betty, and eat his dinner. Again? Betty should have called it an evening, a relationship, and quits.

“She’s a monster!” Betty says, talking to Christina at the park while the latter chows down on a Cinnabon on steroids (well, that’s one way to get them). “She called 10 times while we were at the movies.” Then turn the phone off! Because I’m pretty sure I was sitting next to you and you bugged the hell out of me. “Pregnant women are difficult.” You know what else is difficult? Staring at that line across the front of your dress. It’s either the bottom of your blouse showing through on that jumper, or a very odd panty line. I could not take my eyes away from it.

I’m eating for two…small countries!

“We’re bitches,” Christina chimes in. You know, for someone in charge of Mode fashions, she is wearing a very unfortunate belt. And she looks somewhat like a disheveled bag lady.

Betty decides to try to sneak in a lunch with Henry because Charlie will be at her prenatal yoga class. Man, she is just living the life. Christina says that reminds her she has to go to the baby doctor (doctor of babies or is her doctor 4 months old?) this afternoon because she’s hit the first trimester and she wants to see if it has horns. Actually, she’s worried he’s going to make her go running. Which sounds right, since she’s not a runner and this is an in-vitro pregnancy. Yes, please shake Willie’s baby loose from the mortal coil. You’ll want to soon. Betty’s lunch plans with Henry are successful! For the time being!

Willie pacing in her kitchen. “Where is she?” she asks Marc.

“Eating. With Betty,” he says Betty’s name like it sickens him.

“Great. We need the baby to be healthy, not flabby.”

“Don’t worry. We’ll put it on a juice fast the minute it pops out.” Good thinking Mark. Let’s call that juice “breast milk” and pray to God no one feeds that kid in public! Marc tells her to calm down because once they see the doctor and everything is all right, “Monday all hell will break loose as the exiled queens of Mode make their triumphant return!” So, they are going to hire her back because she’s having Bradford’s baby? Is that how it works? And? I totally covet Willie’s dress although the belt I could do without. Do they have a wardrobe intern working on the show now? What’s up with the beltage this episode?

I keep my phaser on this belt, along with my Batmobile keys

“How are we doing on the press coverage?” Of your post-mortem baby? Well, I’m sure Ann Curry jumped all over it and will every year on it’s birthday for the next 10 years. That’s how she rolls.

“I’ve pitched it as a major announcement from the fashion world, so all the women networks are in a lather,” Marc says. Yes, because there is a ton of current events coverage on WE and Lifetime networks. All news, all the time. And this is less fashion and more celebrity news, so pitch to TMZ next time. “The View is doing a special live broadcast which they never could have done with potty mouth Rosie still around.” Wow, live broadcast and they don’t even know why. Maybe Rosie moved into producing the show.

“As I march up the steps of Meade Publications, it will be the greatest comeback from Jesus.” You know what would be an even better comeback? Using all that talent to get in at another magazine and steal all of Mode’s advertisers and crush them into the ground! I mean Willie really knows what she’s doing – she has style, a great eye, and knows how to run a magazine. Evil? Yes, but isn’t that par for the course in professions like this? Seems like any good fashion magazine would have swooped her up. Plus, now we’ll have to change all the bumper stickers to “WWWD?”

Daniel walks into work all confused per normal and asks about a meeting they were supposed to have with a photographer. However, a very…uh…greasy-haired Claire says the photographer is holed up in her bathroom because apparently somebody at Mode slept with her and never called her back. Daniel’s like “What a jerk.” Truer words were never spoken. Then he gets the hairy eyeball from both Alexis and Claire and a 20-watt goes on over his head. But this all begs the question, why would she have accepted the meeting in the first place, knowing Daniel and I’m guessing….WHERE HE WORKED. He dates the dumbest women.

Claire and Alexis are all up in his business talking about how he’s just been a wreck since the whole Renee thing…going out every night, hooking up…basically being Daniel from Season One. Alexis recommends seeing a therapist. Daniel insists he’s fine.

“The woman you were in love with almost killed your assistant and burned your house down. You are not fine. You need help.” And Claire needs to lay off the conditioner.

Back at Casa No-One-Works, Papi is counting beans and watching a telenovela and Hilda is complaining about his handwriting. No wonder Betty prefers the baby mama drama – she doesn’t have to support Charlie! Papi tells Hilda that Coach Diaz wants to talk to her about Justin. So then she yells for Justin. Thank God they don’t share walls with anyone. “JUSTIN! What does Coach Diaz want?”

Papi, when you are done counting magic beans, check the lottery tickets

Justin breezes in with much better hair than last week, complaining that Coach Diaz is a jerk and is making him fulfill his school’s PE requirement. Bastard! Justin should fake PMS, most high school phys ed teachers don’t know any better anyway.

Hilda agrees that every student should fulfill the requirement, just not Justin who is “special.” Papi gives her the same look I did – it’s not like Justin is licking the bus windows on the way to school, he is an able-bodied kid who hates gym just like the rest of us. Hilda goes off like an ignorant non-voter and says that her taxes pay his salary, so she’s kind of like his boss. Papi says the same thing I was thinking, “Hilda, I don’t think you paid any taxes last year.” Man, Papi and I are in total and complete sync right now. Must be the new hair color – I’m taking care of mine soon, Papi. And Hilda? GET A JOB, SPONGE.

So…Betty has fixed the photographer issue by providing three times the jilted photographers fee and promising Daniel will be nowhere near the photoshoot. Or, they could have just gotten one of the other millions of photographers in New York City without all the drama. The Crab is not getting happier with this script.

“Daniel, I know that part of my job is following you around and cleaning up your messes, but since Renee there isn’t a pooper scooper big enough!” Line of the week awarded to Betty.

“As your unofficial and occasional therapist, I think it would be a good idea for you to see somebody.” But God forbid anyone should recommend that for Betty. I wonder when the post-traumatic stress syndrome will catch up with her…because although Daniel’s assistant was almost murdered, Betty was a little closer to the flaming action. They should be checking on her more than him. Daniel says he doesn’t need one and does so by lying on a sofa. Drama queen. And he might consider stepping back to 1982 with those jeans.

Betty gives him the definition of insanity and he says he’s not insane, he’s optimistic. Now he’s just a tool. Betty says, “If you want things in your life to be different, you must do things differently.” This is important for later, when Betty apparently wants her life to be a complete and total mess and where she decided she would prefer no self-respect. She hands Daniel a card and says he has an appointment for 2pm.

Betty is packing up her beach bag when Henry stops by. “Henry! Are you ready for our lunch date?” Wait for it people…

“I would be…but Charlie called and her yoga partner cancelled, so,” he says. SO SHE CAN SKIP IT OR GO ALONE. Betty grabs one of the stress things where the ears, eyes and nose/mouth pop out when you squeeze it and my dogs went crazy when it squeaked.

Oh nooooo, it’s the Mr. Henry Show!

“You do realize she’s doing this on purpose don’t you?” She says. He does. “She’s trying to get in between us because she hates me.” Or she’s pissed her baby daddy is having lunch with another woman. Henry says she doesn’t hate Betty, but he was hoping they could be friends. Are you kidding me? Henry, what did you get on your CPA exam, drool? She yells at Henry that this is never going to stop, then she sees Daniel staring at the therapist’s card. Or it’s a coupon for a free coffee with fill up. “Unless…I do things differently.”

Okay, there’s doing things differently because you keep getting in bad relationships, or you hate your job, or you need to lose weight. There’s absolutely no doing things differently to get on the good side of your soon-to-be-ex-and-long-gone boyfriend’s baby mama’s side. That’s just ridonkulous.

But no…here we are as Charlie is unrolling her mat at yoga class as Betty walks up and says, “Hi” too cheerfully. Does she keep those sloppy gym clothes at the office? “Henry can’t make it, so I’m here…to be your yoga partner…and friend.” Call Dr. Phil, ’cause that dog won’t hunt. Unless she’s mine and then it’s just for the baby bunnies in the back yard. (Seriously, Crabby has four dogs and the rabbit chooses this yard to produce endless offspring. Dumber than Daniel and Henry combined!).

Did someone just cut one?

Charlie doesn’t want to be yoga partners or friends, so Betty reminds her of when they first met. “I bought you a brownie,” Betty says. “We could go back to those times, the brownie times.” She shoves a brownie in her face.

“Well, I have gestational diabetes so I could die if I ate that but thank you,” Charlie says. Betty, get her a sugar-free milkshake and fill it with sugar, baby. It’s your only hope!

Then Betty begins to talk it up in yoga class, trying to get to know Charlie a little more – the whole natural childbirth thing (sucker!) and Charlie snaps, “Go away, now!” at her. This is exactly the kind of environment I enjoy for yoga – stressful! The yoga teacher shushes them. Heh.

Back to my nightmare, the school gym…Hilda walks in with the most unfortunate Capri pants ever. Hilda, in all your free time, have you never watched What Not to Wear? Those pants are a “not” because they make you look shorter and they do nothing for your hips and ass except make them look HUGE. “Excuse me, are you Coach Diaz?” All we see is a guy bent over picking up balls (hahahahahahahahahahahaha) and his shorts are wayyyyy toooooo tight. You know he’s going to be a hottie. Me-ow!

Will it be worth the wait…and…YES!”

“Yeah, can I help you?” I was right. Unlike my gym teachers of yore, this guy is young, hot, actually in shape, a non-smoker, can probably add 2 and 2 (it’s 4), and wasn’t stuck teaching Civics class when they couldn’t find a competent teacher. Hilda is struck by he awesome Diaz-ness.

“You’re the gym teacher?” Hilda asks, a little too breathlessly. “I am Justin Suarez’s mother.”

“So you heard he’s failing,” he says, showing off his behind once again.

“I did hear and I think there has been a mistake because I’ve been sending notes asking that Justin be excused from PE.” Would that work with math or chemistry? And could her hips look any larger? She might consider a lap or two if she wants to continue wearing them. She does come clean and tells Coach Hottie that Justin is not an athlete. But man can that kid dance! Heh. I wrote “man can.” Coach says no one has to be an athlete to be in his class, you just have to participate. Hope they hand out certificates for that at the end-of-year banquet. Always so satisfying to know your participation really made no difference!

“If you fail Justin, I’m going to talk to the principal,” Hilda threatens. Hilda, why don’t you try to name Justin’s school principal? I dare you. Coach is more than happy with that and tells her to go ahead and make the appointment. He turns and Hilda gets another look at that fine-y hiney. I’m with her on this one.

“Ms. Suarez, I have a Master’s in Wellness Training,” in what? I actually had to mute the TV to get the captioning to see what his Master’s degree was. Dude, if we’re going to throw around degrees like that, sign me up for a Master’s in Napping and a Doctorate in Slacking Off! Here’s a preview of my thesis: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

“I firmly believe everyone can benefit from a gym class…even you.” See Hilda? Even he thinks your Capris aren’t fitting correctly. Hilda gets her thong in a bunch because she thinks he’s telling her she needs to work out (see “Hips” and “Yours” in the mirror, Hilda, or stop spray-painting on your bottoms).

“What is that supposed to mean? Don’t walk away from me! I pay your salary Coach Diaz!” Now I’m starting to see why Hilda doesn’t work. Who would hire this bonehead?

Apparently he’d rather play with his balls than Hilda

Oh brother, back to Betty not shutting up about babies born in water having higher IQs than most kids. This is a yoga class, shut up! “Okay partners, now grab your mommy’s waist.” Don’t! Or you’ll make the belly button do that thing where it pops out like the thing in the turkey! Believe me, single career gals like Crabby don’t find that as interesting as you think we do.

“Don’t touch me!” Charlie yells. I’m with her on this one.

“You two with the bad energy. OUT!” The yoga teacher instructs. I bet she teaches anger management classes too.

ALIGN YOUR CHAKRAS ELSEWHERE!

Betty continues to try to talk to Charlie – hey Betty, remember the insanity definition? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome? This is you and Charlie right now. If I ask the pharmacist to add grape flavor to the medicine, will you take it already?

Charlie is bitching that she is supposed to be in Tucson having a baby shower this weekend. So instead of Betty saying how sorry she is, she offers to throw Charlie a baby shower. People, the only thing worse than going to a baby shower is THROWING ONE. If you must do it, have it catered and have the caterer bring a big bottle of tequila for you to dive into once you are done with the inane games involving toilet paper that you are forced to play. Or do what Crabby does and pretend you are sick the day of the shower (that way, you appear to be a martyr for not showing up and potentially giving the expectant mother your illness, just without all the actual martyrdom). And Betty’s throwing the baby shower the next day. This should be stress-free and fun to watch.

Daniel is at the therapist’s office and boy does she look fun! Who would feel comfortable talking to this stunningly icy, tight-hair-bunned woman with severe glasses and aloof demeaner? Suddenly Amy Madigan does look good! If this woman speaks with a German accent, I will throw a rock at the TV. “So what are you hoping to get out of therapy?” The doctor asks.

Perhaps all you need is a spank!

“A date?” Oh Daniel, it would just be easier for you family to take you to the vet and have you fixed.

“Have you been depressed?”

“Nothing a drink with you wouldn’t cure.” Ehh!

“Get out,” she says. “I’m not in the business of wasting my time with patients who aren’t prepared to take therapy seriously.” Well, Daniel does fit that profile. And out he goes.

At the gyno’s (this day is full of fun!) Christina is told that the baby is fine as Wilhelmina and Marc look on. Hopefully they weren’t both in there for the exam. Christina is just happy she can go back to work. “So is it safe to start telling people we’re pregnant?” Who’s this “we” woman? Only one uterus is working on this case. The doctor tells her to tell anyone she wants.

“…four-hundred members of the news media?” Marc jokes. I would say this wasn’t news, but if you’ve watch the morning news shows recently, you know this is going to lead.

The doctor asks Wilhelmina if she wants a video of the sonogram. “I don’t care,” she says. Geez. Is this really the best way to get back at the Meade family? Again, why not be successful somewhere else. Involves fewer midnight feedings, no teen years, and no college.

“Quite a driven woman, isn’t she?” the doctor asks.

“She’s a bitch,” Christina responds.

Netflix’s least-rented flick

“That too,” he says. Then Christina notices on the file that it says “Meade/Slater” baby. The doctor says, “Sure must be strange carrying the baby of a dead man.” Christina was duped! Hard to believe Wilhelmina couldn’t be trusted. Shocking. Honestly. No wonder Scotland was under British rule for so long. Where’s Braveheart when you need him? Oh, yeah, killed when he was duped! Probably by Wilhelmina’s ancestor.

In the office, Betty catches up with Henry and tells him the story about how she is flying Charlie’s favorite tamales from Tucson to New York, first class (because apparently they don’t ship FedEx unlike every other food place in the world), and she’s having them messengered to her house for the baby shower.

Kids, there’s suspension of disbelief and then there is total bullshit, which is what I’m calling this right now. There are so many things wrong with this I don’t know where to begin. First of all, a Mexican girl can’t find good tamales in NY or when her father is a chef? Second, who the hell is paying for this? Betty can afford a first class seat and a messenger for tamales, with 24 hour notice? Maybe Hilda and Papi really don’t have to work anymore. I mean, there is no way she is charging Mode for this, is she? Because she’ll be fired once Henry sees the expense report and tells HR. Third, doesn’t she know spicy food induces labor? She’s setting herself up for this one.

Oh, look, Daniel is back at the therapist’s. He should ask her about the tamales thing. I’m sure even she’ll think it’s destructive. He apologizes for acting like a dumbass before, saying, “I like to flirt.”

In her sexiest voice ever, the therapist says, “And what do you get out of flirting? Is it approval? Feels good to be wanted?” I’m sorry, she’s a therapist, right, not a sex therapist or stripper or something, right?

Daniel says he’s looking for approval because he wanted something deeper with a woman he met, and unfortunately he was left with nothing. I wouldn’t call insurance claim money, nothing, Daniel. Plus, it’s not like you were in a long-term relationship, although I guess for him 3 weeks does constitute long-term.

“I think this is something we should explore.” Yeah, explore naked.

Back at the doctor’s office, Wilhelmina is throwing a fit that it’s taking so long for Christina to dress. Oops! Looks like she took off. Willie sees baby information on the monitor (great patient privacy there, doctor’s office! Don’t HIPAA laws mean anything to you people?) and realizes Christina knows the hideous, ugly, cell-multiplying truth! “She’s gone!” Well, where could she go really? Scotland?

Betty is getting off the phone with someone involved with the cross-country tamale tour when Amanda enters. Loving the dress, she is so Studio 54 glamorous! Betty asks her if it’s crazy to fly tamales in from Tucson because that’s what Charlie wants at her baby shower. No, what’s crazy is that you are going along with this. “Betty, stop begging, I’ll come,” Amanda says. Then she and Betty get into this weird ER-style walk through the hallway back-and-forth about her coming to the shower/not coming to the shower. Oh, the Crab is getting tired.

Back at Casa PE Sucks, Justin is complaining that Coach Diaz gave him a detention and he had to organize the equipment room. “There were balls and bats everywhere, it was like a nightmare that would never end. This is all your fault,” Justin says. Hilda says she was just trying to help him out. “You came to my school and yelled at my teacher, what did you think was going to happen?”

“I can fix this!” Hilda says.

“Please don’t, he might make me quarterback of the hockey team or something.” That would suck more than you know, Justin. Hilda says she could change her approach and makes a cutting motion with the scissors. Justin freaks, calling it “very Sweeney Todd.” Hey, with Hilda cutting hair and Papi cooking, they could really pull it off! Maybe that’s why his empanadas are so tasty!

Willie’s on the phone leaving a message for Christina, hoping they can “clear up this whole misunderstanding.” What’s there to clear up? You’re an evil bitch and now it’s in zygote form. “I’m worried sick about you.” Hanging up, Willie says, “Even I didn’t believe that.”

“Well, you are your toughest critic,” Marc replies. Why is his tie around his neck, not his shirt? How did I miss that before? Is he showing chest hair? Naw, he probably waxes.

“What a screw up! Remind me to get that stupid doctor’s licensed revoked.” Just like my last two dentists? Go Willie. “If she disappears, if that baby disappears, we’ve got nothing.” Why, did you throw the sperm thermos out? No worries, those keep those for years. How do you think they made the other Jurassic Parks?

“On the surface, our plans are rock solid,” Marc says. “And we’re both so attractive.”

“Perhaps that’s our curse, Marc,” Willie says. The Crab knows the feeling. “That, and our humanity.” The Crab has none of that holding her back, thank goodness.

Meanwhile, at the tenements…”I can’t believe I trusted her!” Christina yells. No one else can, either. When have Wilhelmina Slater’s intentions ever been for good? And have you met her shoplifting daughter? Why would you bring another child into the world for her? And why isn’t her husband living at her apartment if for no other reason than to save money and/or split the rent? And why does Christina have on such a hideously ugly outfit on?

Stuart says, “There’s no way you could have known.” Except for experience.

“This is the worst thing that could have happened.” Really? Including nuclear war? Monkey pox? Pandemic avian flu? Talk about baby mama drama.

“Or is it the best thing?” he says. Christina looks confused. “We know she was willing to pay all that money for this.” He suggests asking/blackmailing Wilhelmina for more money. Stuart sucks, I say let him die from whatever ailment keeps him looking healthy yet doesn’t seem to allow him to work. “She needs that baby. And when people need something, that makes them weak.” What happens to people who need people? Christina looks unconvinced.

This episode continues to downward spiral as we cut back to Daniel at the therapist’s office making it with the therapist. Even her glasses are crooked. And how can she wear a black bra with that white shirt and not have it show through? Suddenly therapist Wallace becomes victim Wallace and blames Daniel for seducing her. Then she calls her therapist to see when she can get in. Someone needs to have their medical license revoked, unless, as I first suspected, she is actually a stripper. This was ridiculous and I’m sure real therapists all over the world were rolling their eyes so far back into their heads they saw yesterday.

She’s hot AND crazy…just like last time. Way to do things differently, Daniel

Back at Salon de Hilda, Coach Diaz is thanking Hilda for offering to cut his hair. Well, the only difference between a bad haircut and a good one is 3 weeks, Coach. He says, “I would have been happy just coming over here and talking about Justin.” Coach, don’t lie. He says he was sorry for saying she could have used exercise. “You have a great body. Not that I was looking or anything.” How can you miss it, it’s on display like a Barney’s holiday window, just less expensive. Hilda acts like a fool and apologizes.

“I just get a little worked up when it comes to Justin,” she says. Trade “Justin” for “Coach” and you’ve got that right.

“If it makes you feel any better, I wouldn’t do anything to embarrass Justin.” Then for God’s sake, take dodgeball off the activity list! And tetherball, but only because that seems like such a dumb game. She flirts with Coach some more and he reminds her of the haircut. She whips out her scissors and manages to cut his ear and when she gets the nail polish remover to clean the cut, he tears out of there like I’m guessing most of her clients do.

I like it rough, but are you channeling Angelina Jolie?

Later that evening, Betty is on the phone complaining about plates she ordered for the shower. They have father time on them instead of baby new year. Why did she order plates instead of just running to the store to pick some up? As she’s telling the plate person she’s sorry for being difficult and that she’s usually a much nicer person, she smashes into Claire who drops everything. “My fault,” she says.

“I know.” Claire is my favorite. “Don’t worry, it’s a purse, not a baby.” She laughs and continues with, “once, in Nantucket” uh-oh, “I dropped Daniel in a bucket of ice. He landed on his head.” Wow, there’s your answer people. Betty tells her she got Daniel in to see/screw the therapist. “Thank you.”

Betty fesses up about throwing the baby shower for her soon-to-be-ex’s ex and Claire says, “oh, that ordeal.” Again? Love her! Betty starts blathering on about all the stuff she has to do and Claire, as tired of I am of this bull, pinches Betty’s upper arm really, really hard. Now kick her in the shins Claire!

“Why did you do that?” Betty asks.

“To get your attention. Wake up, Betty. This relationship you are in has no future. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can get back to living your life instead of planning baby showers for your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend.” Damn, she does get to the point! Betty looks stunned, but Claire has rarely steered her wrong. Or maybe she’s mad at Betty for not returning the earrings from last week? Maybe that’s how she paid to fly food first class?

The next day Betty is hanging crepe paper while practicing, “‘Henry, it’s over’….It just doesn’t sound right. I don’t want it to be over.” Honey, it was over as soon as the sperm hit the egg. Hilda is too wrapped up in which pleather jacket makes her look nerdy, fat, slutty, busty, whatever. Betty says that this has nothing to do with Justin. “First you pick a fight, then invite him over for a haircut…this has Victor Real from 9th grade written all over it.” Ohh, tell that story!

That ensemble is like the Lost Ark and I must not look at it!

“I did not give Hector a haircut,” Hilda replies.

“I know what you gave him,” Betty snaps back. So Hilda has a history of being fast and loose? Shocking. “You totally like this coach guy. What’s his name?”

“Coach Diaz.”

“What’s his first name?”

“Coach?” No wonder she was fast and loose in high school; girlfriend ain’t bright. Betty teases her that she’ll have to come up with something better because when they are kissing saying, “Coach, Coach…” is going to be awkward. I don’t know, maybe he’ll like that. Hilda says, “I don’t know, I felt something when I was talking to him, and it’s the first time since Santos…”

“You have a crush, and I have Henry. Check us out.” Well, crushes are called that for a reason and Henry will be gone soon. Casa Suarez is going to suck soon, I think. The doorbell rings and it’s Henry.

“We need to talk.” That is never good. He tells her all he’s been doing is obsessing about how little time they have left. It’s stressful and it stinks. “That’s why I’m here. There’s only one thing to do.” Betty whimpers. “We have to stay together forever,” Henry says. Apparently his cousin just got a job with an airline, so he’ll be back every other weekend, and they can email, or call, but whatever it is they will be able to see each other every day if they like. “You’re the most important thing in my life.” Well, at least for a few more hours.

We’ll meet where The Simpson’s live, and we’ll hang out at Moe’s

The doorbell rings again. “I guess it’s too late to call it off?” Why would you do that now? But Betty says that now it’s more important than ever.

“Charlie’s going to be part of my life forever.” Just wait until Charlie finds out. She’ll be thrilled! Now, time for baby shower antics! Can’t wait. Hold on….salt, tequila, lemon. Let’s do this!

Heeerrre’s Charlie! “Welcome to your baby shower,” Betty says.

“I was just leaving,” Henry says. Lucky bastard. If you were recapping you’d be stuck watching the rest of this! “You ladies have fun,” and he kisses Betty goodbye while Charlie wretches.

“I’m late because your directions were messed up,” she says, walking in. “I don’t remember your house being so small. Something smells really funny.” Maybe that’s because your head is stuck up your ass? Can’t wait to see who all Betty invited that not only would be interested in attending, but had time to rush out and buy a baby gift for someone they didn’t know. Good times!

What smells like ass? Oh, it’s my attitude

Back at the tenements…something tells me Stuart did something stupid, call it a hunch. Christina is in bed and says, “Stuart?” She opens one of those cheapy plastic doors and who’s on the other side but Satan, her minion, and Stuart who looks awfully pleased with himself. Hope he falls of the wagon and gets hit by the subway.

This is about to go so Clockwork Orange

“Hello Christina,” Willie says. Wonder how she found her? Oh yeah, Stuart called her. “It was the right thing, Christina.” Well, it’s not like she could have hid forever. “You don’t have a lot of options.”

“Nyet options,” Marc says in his best Russian accent. Funny, seems like a German accent would work better for both of them. Don’t know why, except that I do and so do you.

“But what Stuart was savvy enough to recognize is, you do have power,” Willie says (read: ask for more money, my Scottish lass!). “I need this baby and will pay to have you follow through with this. What do you want?” Well, at this point, she might as well ask for more money and the sole key to the Mode secret sex room. And better benefits.

“Nothing,” she says.

“Christina,” Stuart begins, but she stops him and walks out. Now she’s stuck having a baby for someone she hates to make money for an operation for someone else she now hates. That kid doesn’t have a chance.

Hey, what do you know! There are a ton of pregos at Charlie’s party giving her presents. Maybe they are from her pre-natal yoga class, as we all know Betty made a lot of friends there yesterday. Betty runs up and shoves food in Charlie’s face. Betty, I’ll tell you what I tell my dogs when they become obsessed with sniffing each other’s butts: Have some dignity and knock it off! Charlie can get her own food and you should let her share her sunshine with everyone else at the party.

Then Amanda shows up looking like a ho, per usual. Why doesn’t she go play with Marc? She sits down and chows on Papi’s empanadas and molé sauce. Charlie calls Betty over and snootily asks, “What is that,” and points to a piñata.

Betty could pretend to be aiming for the piñata, then WHACK!

Yeah, they mustn’t have those in Tucson, what with them so close to the MEXICAN BORDER. Geez Louise, if she has a favorite tamale place in Tucson, she surely must know what the hell a piñata is. If not, Betty should club Charlie’s head until candy comes out. Won’t take but one or two hits, I bet. “Well the plastic lining chokes the birds that feed at the landfills.” Then they should find somewhere else to dine. “And are these vegetables fresh cut because they sure don’t look like it.” So Betty runs off to cut some. I’d run off to rinse the veggies in toilet water then bring them back to her.

“Why is everyone so fat at this party?” Amanda says shoving guac down her gullet. They really are a bunch of fatties.

Betty’s in the kitchen chopping the hell out of a carrot and her dad notices she’s not having much fun at this party. That’s because it’s a baby shower and they always suck, Papi. Oh, and it’s for someone who is being a total spoiled brat and also happens to the ex-girlfriend of the man she loves, so no stress there either. Betty begins to tell her dad about how she and Henry are going to have this whirlwind cross-country relationship and even Papi knows this is doomed. “Long distance is no replacement for spending time together.”

“Henry will be back and forth all the time. He said I was the most important thing in his life,” she says. That is going to change in a couple of hours, amiga. Then, to make matters worse, Daniel shows up and asks for money.

What? He tells her how therapy didn’t work out because he banged his shrink, then met another woman at a club, then met her roommate, then met these Russian ballerinas who turned out to be strippers, who at the dog who ate the cat who at the mouse who ate the fly and I think they all lived together in a shoe or something. I just don’t get his appeal. Then he woke up in Queens without any money or wallet or phone apparently, or he could have called his own family or driver to come get him and take him directly to the clinic for a shot of uber-penicillin before his weenie falls off.

Then Christina shows up and says she really needs to talk to Betty. Is there a clown car parked outside of Casa Suarez? Because that’s the way I’m feeling. Then you hear Charlie yell, “is there any soy milk? And why do these plates have an old man on them?” To show you the beard you are going to grow once you hit menopause you twit! So Betty doles out orders – Daniel get money from Papi who is loaded, Papi get soy milk from the market because when Charlie says jump you say how high, Christina, upstairs because the kitchen is no place to talk about Rosemary’s baby.

Christina tells Betty that Willie has done this to her before and she can’t believe she was so stupid. Neither can everyone Nielsen says watches this show! When someone you know is truly evil asks you to be a surrogate when you know she doesn’t particularly care for the kid she has, a bell should go off. In fact, a gong should. I have no sympathy for Christina and I hope the horns really scratch her when the baby heads down the birth canal.

“Stop blaming yourself,” Betty says. Wrong, you should totally and completely take the blame!

“Betty, are there tamales or not?” Charlie yells. Oy. Yes, and they are full of Drano! Eat up!

Betty serves up the green corn tamales that are supposedly Charlie’s favorites, and Charlie immediately spits them out and says they are wrong. Betty tells her they were flown out especially for her, and Charlie says, “Then they got ruined on the plane. They’re soggy.” And here we go…

“You know what Charlie? I have broken my back to try and make this shower happen,” Betty snipes (no one asked you to Betty).

“Maybe that’s the way you want it to look,” Charlie says.

“No, that is the way it is!”

“This isn’t what I wanted, Betty,” Charlie says. Then you should have declined and we all could have had a better evening.

“I’m sorry this isn’t good enough for you Charlie, but I have worked really hard and now I feel stupid for trying to be nice to you when you have been such a jerk! And I don’t know why I’m letting your crappy little attitude get to me. And Henry and I have already decided to stay together after he goes back to Tucson whether you like it OR NOT!” And…splash. “What? Nothing to say?”

“My water just broke!” Didn’t you hear the splash? “Either that or I just peed my pants.” Yuck.

Aye caramba, who the hell is going to mop that up?

Amanda comes up and says, “Oh, I see how you’re playing this. Last New Year’s Eve I got so drunk my water broke too.” Ewww. Hope she wasn’t in a cab at the time.

So what does Betty do? She tells her to sit down. Hope they have plastic on that furniture because GROSS.

Oh, here we go, back to Hilda and Coach. Where’s my thesis? Hilda is at the school to apologize to Coach about Van Goghing him. Luckily he only needed 2 stitches. She should use that as her salon motto. Coach offers to meet Hilda halfway and not, as she hoped, under the bleachers. He says if Justin choreographs the cheerleading routines for the rest of the year, he’ll let him pass. Oh my God, that squad is going to kick ass the rest of the year! Can you imagine all the glitter, the glamour, the high kicks? Hilda is so excited, she says, “He calls ESPN the cheerleading channel.” I call it a waste of cable space, but I am an HGTV junkie. Aww, Coach has dimples. Don’t cut them!

Jinx, you owe me a poke!

“What’s your first name anyway?” She asks.

“Tony,” he says. Tony Diaz? Like Juan Epstein? As Hilda leaves, she turns around to take a last look at Coach and he’s looking at her. Love is in the air, along with the smell of sweat socks. Junior high really does rule.

Daniel and Papi are walking down the street together, at first because I thought Papi was going to school Daniel by handing him a couple of bucks and showing him how the rest of New York lives – on the subway! But then he compares himself to Daniel and says he was the same way until he felt good about himself that he found someone special. “So what happened?” Daniel asks.

“Molé happened.”

“Is that a girl?” Daniel, you live in New York City. How do you not know molé sauce? I live in the Midwest and even the squirrels know.

He tells Daniel how he used to make mol̩ sauce the same way as everyone else, then he decided to add molasses to make it his own. His boss loved it (the same one he almost killed?) and he knew he was special Рunique.

I killed my boss with an enchilada this big

He said once he found his passion – cooking – he knew he was special and that’s when he met someone special. Yeah, his boss’s wife who he stole by killing her husband but not really, rendering his marriage unlawful and his two daughters bastards. Now there’s a telenovela! He tells Daniel he needs to find his passion. “What makes you feel good about yourself?” Probably the same thing that gave him hairy palms, Papi.

Wilhelmina is in her kitchen checking email…or checking someone else’s email, who knows, when Christina walks in. “You’re right,” Christina says, “I don’t have any options. So I’ve decided to take you up on your offer. There is something I want from you.” Ask for a million and revenge on Crabby’s enemies. Oh wait, it’s about you. And we don’t have that kind of time!

“And what is that?” Willie asks.

Christina flips a disk into Willie’s hard drive (not a euphemism!) and shows her the plans for taking over Metropolis and The Daily Planet! No wait, it’s the sonogram. “This is the heartbeat of the child I’m carrying. For once in your monstrous life I want you to think about someone else. Because this baby is not just some instrument for whatever wicked game you are playing, it’s your child. And what I want from you is a promise that you will love this baby and you will give it everything it needs.” Should have asked for the money, Christina. It would have been a lot easier to get.

Why, my child almost looks human!

Over to screaming, dripping Charlie saying, “It hurts!”

Amanda: “Does it hurt?” Then she goes into this whole story about having work done on her nose, not a nose job mind you, just some tweaking, and “it was so painful, it was just like childbirth.”

Betty is chauffeuring everyone out the door when a horn honks – it’s the taxi here to take Charlie to the hospital. Except she’s not going to the hospital, she’s going to a birthing center. That’s right, she’s going to have the baby under water, right? Off to the Hudson River. Or the Long Island Sound. Or just off in the taxi. Because once she’s in there, she becomes the problem of the Yellow Taxi Service and Betty can slam down some tequila.

But no – Charlie can’t get up and out the door. In fact, she’s changed her mind, she wants the drugs. So Betty dials up 911 (she ought to let the cab go) and tells them, “She wants the drugs,” which will probably only get the DEA to show up, not the ambulance.

It’s Casey Kasem and he has a long-distance dedication just for you!

Now it’s dark, and the ambulance is still not here. Charlie is screaming at the top of her lungs and asks Betty to hold her hand. “Why did you throw me a shower,” she asks. At first Betty gives her this line that she felt bad for her being away from home, but the truth is that she thought if she were nicer to Charlie, she’s stop getting in the way of her dates with Henry. That worked out perfectly, Betty, good thinking. Then Charlie starts apologizing to Betty. Too little, too late. The ambulance shows up, thank goodness, because Crabby really hates childbirth scenes.

Ah, good, back at the offices of Mode where Alexis and Claire are, unlike Daniel, actually working. They are looking at photographs complaining about how bad they are. Maybe it’s because the photographer was still so overwhelmed with grief over Daniel not calling her back after their one night stand? Oh, here comes Daniel. “You look like hell,” Claire says.

Daniel comes in and saves the day with PhotoShop. What a genius! Then he says he wants to “mix things up in the magazine” and move some items around. When is the last time he read the magazine let alone edited it? He says, “I’m always looking for meaning in my life everyone except the one place I can get it.” Your pants? “Right here.” Oh. “I love this job.” Claire hugs him.

Chinese finger torture is the worst, especially when there isn’t one on your fingers!

Back to Casa Placenta, where the ambulance took so damn long to get there, Charlie is now 9cm dilated (don’t we live in the US? Call it approximately 4.5 inches. And do they actually measure or guestimate?). They can’t move her. Betty, be sure to call The Rug Doctor tomorrow, you are going to need it. And if Daniel is back at the office, where is Papi with that soy milk? Or did he get as frustrated with this episode as I did and just headed off to bed? Oh wait, there he is, handing Betty a small towel. Hope it’s the quicker picker upper. More screaming! Here comes Henry. Betty hands him the towel and takes off.

Yet another 3-way Betty is so not into

Back at Mode, the Meades are drinking mead (I thought Claire was on the wagon?) and toasting each other when the lights dim and a sonogram appears on the wall. Wilhelmina walks out and says “That is a sonogram of my baby. Of your father’s baby. I’m having your father’s child.”

Kubrick’s 2008: A Space Oddity

“Oh dear God,” Claire says. Drink up!

“My only concern is protecting it and giving it everything it deserves,” she says.

“And what would that be?” Daniel asks.

“One third of the Meade empire.” Nice move. Would Bradford’s sperm been considered part of his estate? Because I’m wondering where the loophole is going to be on this thing.

Looks like Claire picked the wrong week to stop drinking

Betty is in the kitchen and Papi is trying to give her tea. She’ll have none of it, mostly because it’s hard to enjoy calming tea when someone is screaming in the background. She should have called a caterer so they could have cleaned up the mess. Then we hear the baby crying and Henry says, “It’s a boy!” Betty watches from the kitchen and realizes that is pretty much it.

Now I can go on Maury as a baby daddy. Score!

Henry is holding his son and smiling at her, and her dreams of the cross-country romance are as smashed as that poor piñata is going to be. Henry is not going to make time on the weekends to see her, because she’s just been moved to #2 on the list of most important things in his life. She turns to Papi and cries. I cry because this was an absolutely moronic and insane Ugly Betty.

Remember what Vince Lombardi said: “If you don’t win, you’re out of the family!”

Next week – Betty and Henry make a clean break, Betty and Gio make out (sort of), the Meade/Slater feud fuels up like the Jets and the Sharks, and Willie’s lipstick looks a little too red. Hopefully it won’t suck, and the Crab will lighten up a bit.