Ugly Betty: Evil Returns to Mode, with Killer Accessories!

Well, you will be happy to know that after last weeks blow/suck-fest, Crabby was vindicated with an Ugly Betty as charming and funny as season one, or at least before the writer’s strike. I guess now that they’ve caught up paying their bills, they’re happy again. I know I’d be happy if I were caught up with mine…

Sweet Christ, two guys are fighting over this?

We open with the song “All by Myself” and a visual of all the relationship books, tissues, and pictures of happier times piled on Betty like so much heartache. AAAAAAAH! Wow, Betty looks bad even for Betty. Holy crap. Then we switch over to Papi and AAAAAAAAAH! What is going on at Casa Suarez? Did someone break up with Papi too? Oh – no, he’s just got a cold. Nice. Hope he remembered to call in sick. Oh wait…

Who switched my nose spray with pepper spray?

Hilda is dishing out scrambled eggs while they discuss Betty crying all night. God, that would be unnerving. Betty walks in and tells them to buy more tissues and that Hilda is out of her puffy eye cream. Man, the Avon lady could make a fortune with Betty, huh? Brilliant Justin puts cucumber slices on her eyes, although how those go with eggs I’ll never know. They are worried because she hasn’t been eating much since Henry left. No worries, Familia Suarez, Betty has a lot of reserves.

Betty tells her family not to feel sorry for her because, “Henry and I decided a clean break would be best.” They are totally right on this one. Nothing like a long, dragged-out breakup to really suck the soul from you (raise your hand if you’ve been there!).

Hilda rushes Justin along because – go figure – she’s joined the PTA. Yeah, the PTA of Coach Diaz. Papi tells Betty to take some time off of work, but Betty’s doing the smart thing – immersing herself in tons of work. “I secretly hope the Mode drama never ends.” Well, if it does, you’ll be out of a job with the rest of the cast!

“Will the Mode drama ever end?” asks Suzuki St. Pierre while giving us his usual amusing update on Wilhelmina, the surrogate, and baby daddy Bradford’s sperm. “Wilhelmina. A mother again? She’s certainly been called one.” Ha! I’d rate this as my comment of the episode, but I’m saving that for the end when one good one made me swoon bigtime kids. As Betty watches this on her computer, I see “Larry King” come up on the credits. Oh crap, when did this show start going after the AARP segment of the AARP?

What a mother!

Christina comes by to see if there is any news. The Meades are on a conference call with their attorney, who I’m guessing is vacationing on his own private cruise ship in the Aegean Sea thanks to all the work they’ve supplied him with this past year. “Oh, Claire Meade just looked at me. She hates me. I don’t blame her,” Christina says. Just wait until that kid you’re carrying is a teenager stuck with Wilhelmina as a mother – talk about hate!

The Meades walk out and it’s bad news. “Our father divided the company evenly among his children and unfortunately that includes future children.” Don’t they list out the children by name in wills? I did with my dogs. And apparently until the unborn child turns 18, Wilhelmina controls one-third of the company. Shouldn’t they have a proxy for that, someone who doesn’t hate the Meades? Why not Donald Trump? No, he and Daniel probably hate each other.

“That means?” Betty asks.

“Wilhelmina is back,” Daniel says. On one hand, she is pure evil, on the other hand, this is going to be so fun! Marc is back too, which means Marc and Amanda are back too! YAY!

Separated at birth

Whoa! So is Willie’s new lipstick, a bright reddish pink, the same color as her shoes, nails, pashmina wrap, and handbag. She is awesome and I totally and completely covet this look. “Let’s do this bitch,” she says. She gets off the Mode elevator and sashays her way through the Mode hallways.

Coooooooaaaaat! Well, wrap, actually. Just catch it already!

She meets up with the Meades in an OK-Corral standoff. “If she tries anything, call security.” Oh whatever, you should be so lucky to have her back what with your busy sex life keeping you from actually editing the magazine.

“I can take her,” Alexis says. Well, no argument there, tran-tastic.

“Family Meade, I just want to take the time to say how thrilled and honored I am to be back here. It is a new day, and I hope we can all put the past behind us.” She holds her hand out to shake Daniel’s, then pulls him in close for a photo with Marc’s camera. Bet we’ll be seeing that later. And Willie really ought to wash that hand; with Daniel you never know where it’s been.

Back in her office, she says, “Am I smiling, I can’t tell.” Oh Vanessa. I mean, Wilhelmina.

Viola! Oh wait, it was supposed to be a rabbit!

“I think you are,” Marc says, as he begins to tear the sheets off her furniture. Because they would have left it there like a shrine? “And it’s so good to have health insurance again because I have this weird thing,” and he opens his shirt to a weird mole…oh, Lord, no. “What’s our next move?”

“To divide the house of Meade,” she says. That shouldn’t be too hard, they are sort of a bunch of dunces. “We’ll start with the weakest link…Daniel.” Can’t argue with her there. Or did she say missing link? Can’t argue with her there, either. Plus, I just insulted monkeys. Or apes. But definitely not the religious right.

Daniel is freaking out to Alexis and she’s telling him to calm down. Uh, I wouldn’t. Willie would be twice the editor Daniel could ever be. Why doensn’t he just take over a different magazine…I’m sure the Meades have a Slacker Son Monthly in their arsenal of magazines. Daniel would be perfect. Alexis tells him not to worry because the two of them are two votes to her one. You know what this means…Alexis will be voting with Willie before the end of the show. Well, they were good friends during the whole sex change thing…bet you forgot about that! Oh wait – they pinky swear. Yeah, it’s over for Daniel.

No, seriously, pull my finger!

Claire is having a hot flash when Betty stops by to get her lunch order. Instead, Claire asks her to write a “youth perspective” article for Hot Flash. Which is what every steaming menopausal woman wants to read about as her own youth is fading away.

Back together again, the duo of Amanda and Marc!

Dumb and Dumber, together again. Like bookends!

She’s been working on a reality show with Gene Simmons called Daddy’s Little Girl where they do father/daughter stuff together, like get tattoos, track down previous lovers to tell them to get to the clinic, and match tongue lengths (in the mirror you freaks!). “You’re going to be a reality TV star! It’s what every pretty girl with no specific talent dreams of,” Marc says. That’s exactly what Amanda’s resume objective says!

Amanda doesn’t shut up in cartoon form either

Marc wants to be her kicky gay side kick but Amanda wants no part of it. “You’re cute, you’re just not TV cute,” she says. Ow, bitchier than normal to your bud, Amanda. Marc is not pleased. Plus, j’adore him, so lay off.

Betty is the only customer at Gio’s deli at lunch because apparently no one else knows about it, picking up the lunch order. She tells Gio about how Claire asked her to write an article for Hot Flash. I know it’s the youth perspective, but I’d be sort of pissed if I was 24 and asked to write an article for a 50+ magazine. No wait – being 24 again would rock! I’d write for Denim Appliqué Vests Magazine to be 24 again! But only if I knew what I knew now..there would be some serious ass kicking going on, that’s for sure.

Did she even shower today? But Crabby’s home alone on Saturday nights. Right.

Gio’s so excited for her he gives her a black and white cookie. Guess he realized she’s been looking so thin too. He’s the first person she’s told about the article. “Figures,” he says. “You tell me everything.” Then we no-I-don’t and yes-you-do back and forth for a while. “You’re always down here, telling me about your day…flirting…you’re kind of stalky a little bit.”

Betty continues to scoff when Gio says, “You like me…you want me to be your rebound guy.” No, sounds like that’s what you want, horn-dog. I like your moxie! But the first rule of rebound guy is to never talk about being the rebound guy! Are you new? But Fight Club starts at 5, so don’t be late.

“I came down here for sandwiches and now all of a sudden you’re my rebound guy?” I don’t know Betty, did you order tongue? (That question gets answered momentarily). “I just got out of a relationship and -” and Gio is all up in her business, a.k.a. mouth, kissing her. That’s right, Crabby can’t get a date but UGLY Betty has two guys hot for her, and I’m pretty sure Amanda is hot for assistant too. Bloody hell!

Oh my God – did anyone else catch that? She actually relaxed and touched his arms instead of pushing him away. Betty, you two-timing trashtastic tramp! Then she pushes Gio away, he smiles a little, and she gives him a weak slap that says, “Grab me again, you beast.” No really, it totally said that. She runs out of the store and catches her breath…right outside of his store. It’s the dawning of the Age of Gio!

“Secret Feelings for Gio” highlighted with red circle. Tramp!

Betty is sitting at her desk when an IM pops up from DunMifSys – no wait, it’s Mode21 – and the message is “Guess who ordered tongue from Gio’s Deli?” Sydney Poitier? And a picture of Betty kissing Gio appears with “Betty Whorez is out of control!” written across the bottom of it. Wow, that is so a fireable offense, I hope their HR isn’t incompetent and blows this off. Then you hear the little beeps as the picture pops up on everyone’s computer. I’d be pissed if I were Betty, but then I’d say, “In your faces beyotches who sit home alone every night! I have one man after another! Clearly your Brazilians don’t work!”

Betty wins the HR jackpot! LAWSUIT!

Over to Daniel in the control room, “As far as the November cover is concerned…”

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Wilhelmina interrupts, “I must not have gotten the memo.” Yes, because companies still send out meeting requests with memos. If my company did that, I get like 50 a day, plus the new meeting requests, plus more rescheduling – we’d have taken down the rainforest by now, Sting be damned!

“No, Wilhelmina,” Daniel says, “you weren’t invited.” He’s really being a bitch about this.

“I realize that,” she spats, then gives the whole legal mumbo-jumbo about being allowed to “observe” at these meetings, especially since she has a stake in one-third of the company. Alexis reminds her she has no official capacity at the magazine. How uncomfortable would it be to work there and be in these meetings? I’m be jumping over to Highlights if I were an employee at Mode. At least the maturity level would be higher.

Betty confronts Amanda and Marc about sending the picture and they are all happy she found a rebound guy from Henry. “Mis-match,” Marc sing-songs. “One time, I saw him changing his shirt in the bathroom, and I wasn’t staring, and I definitely did not take a picture” (which means he did!), “but for a nerd accountant, he has body karate,” and he flips up his phone for Amanda to see the picture he so clearly took.

“But Gio smells like salami,” Amanda says as Marc tells Betty he’s perfect for her. Nothing wrong with salami, people. Betty asks them to write a retraction because they totally would do that for her. “Betty,” Amanda says, “Gio loves you.”

“And that’s totally a quote from the men’s room wall,” Marc says to convince her. I know I’m convinced!

Back to Daniel discussing his “bold” idea for the November cover…”I give you…the war issue! Sexy soldiers surrounded by danger.” Oh Christ, you know Daniel must play with G.I. Joe dolls in his office when no one is looking. A war issue. In November. Good thinking. I mean, war is just so popular right now…and always. And sexy! Alexis thinks it’s a little too risky. Or did she say risqué? I hope the former, especially since one of the colors looks like smeared blood. Daniel should be fired on the spot for the worst idea ever pitched besides one a former employer of mine did for a pork product company.

You mean war isn’t sexy? Why would the GOP lie?

“I think it’s fantastic,” Wilhelmina says, and immediately Daniel is all thrilled. Boy, his sexy therapist was right – he needs approval in a big way if he’s looking for it with Wilhelmina. It’s like they all keep touching a hot stove, over and over and over and over again. “It’s genius. So genius Elle is doing the exact same thing a month earlier.” Ouch. “But I’m sure you’ve got some terrific backup ideas.” Well, it looks like the visuals for his “idea” were already shot (?), so I’m guessing no. Daniel’s not really an idea guy.

“Yeah, yes…yes I do,” he lies, as Willie taps her acrylics and slups her coffee. Finishing school really did her some good. “Can we have five minutes…” he asks as he tears out of there and into his real office – the Mode bathroom. “Get it together,” he tells the mirror. Well, the mirror does have more dimensions than you do, Daniel.

The toilet flushes and out walks Betty with cleaning supplies and gloves on, and for a split second I thought that maybe she picked up an extra job to cover for Papi and Hilda. “Aren’t you supposed to be in a meeting right now?” she asks him. She looks oddly comfortable cleaning toilets, doesn’t she? I think it’s the dumpy frock.

“Yes, but Wilhelmina’s in there and she is freaking me out. What are you doing in the men’s room?”

“There was a graffiti situation.” In New York? No way. “Marc wrote a very raunchy poem about me and Gio. Actually, it was more of a haiku…”

Gio and Betty

Enjoying a Salami

Betty is Ho

“Shouldn’t you be writing your article?”

“How did you know about that?” Betty asks. And instead of saying, “Oh, my mom told me,” he gets all flustered and tongue-tied (lots of tongue this episode), that it’s clear he asked his mother to ask Betty to write something. D’oh!

“I know I’m self involved but even I could tell you needed some cheering up,” he says. Wow, if Daniel noticed, it must be worse than we thought!

They pep talk each other about writing the article and not letting Wilhelmina get to them, and on the way out of the bathroom, Betty smacks Daniel on the ass. They look at each other. “Let’s pretend that didn’t happen,” she says. Done and done!

Back at Justin’s school, Hilda is on the playground in a hot little number that shows off her assets (both of them!) and picks up a kick ball. Nice security at this school what with her just coming and going as she pleases. My nieces’ school requires two forms of ID, a credit check, criminal check, and $10 to pick up the kids. Which is why I never do.

How about a little game of naked dodgeball?

What do you know, there’s Coach Diaz in a hot little number of his own, we’ll just call them gym shorts. “What brings you by?” he asks. She gives him the PTA spiel and how she’d do anything for the kids. Meh. She tells him she got very turned around in the school because it’s like a maze. Even rats can find their way around that, Hilda. “Didn’t you go to school here?” He asks. Well, she knows her way around the underside of the bleachers, I’m guessing

She smacks him like she’s in junior high and says, “You’re so funny.” Justin shrinks. She tells him how much she loves sports (name a NY team, Hilda) and how she’s sorry there isn’t a big game on tonight, because she has “nothing to do, nothing at all to do tonight…nothing.” Subtle. Hope Coach Diaz awakens from being hit on the head with that baseball bat.

“We’re short a chaperone for the school dance tonight,” he says. He’s clearly gay. She’s all about helping out, you know, for the kids, so she’ll be there. With bells on, I bet. Or tassles.

Returning to the Mode control center after his near-death escape, Daniel sees everyone leaving the meeting. Apparently Wilhelmina pitched a different cover that everyone liked. “A Peace Issue” instead of a war one – now it will look like they just took the opposite of Elle‘s idea one month later. Oy. Sort of rude on Alexis’s part, don’t you think, to continue the meeting without Daniel? To side with Wilhelmina? Don’t pinky-swears mean anything to people anymore?

Alexis says she had to continue with the meeting because she has 20 other magazines to supervise. Then shouldn’t you be in the big office supervising them instead of sitting in on cover meetings? Seems like you should just hire competent people to do stuff like that. Oh, maybe you will!

Now Daniel’s got his undies in a bunch (think he’s wearing the black see-through ones?) because Willie leaked the photo of him pushing her away from their “hug.” Well duh. Betty offers to help him combat her, but Daniel decides he can spin the press as well as she can. Silly, silly Daniel. You can’t even sit-and-spin let alone spin the press. You have people for that, mostly because you aren’t that bright. Or skilled. And with Larry King listed in the credits, it can only end badly.

On the set of Daddy’s Little Girl, with a table full of delicious Twinkies (oh, how I loved those as a child! and okay maybe now), Marc shows up to see Amanda. She wants him out of there, saying “Gene hates the gays.”

Marc says, “Hey, Gene Simmons, I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m eating your pastries!” Gene laughs. He loves to have his pastries eaten.

“You’re funny. You know we could use a funny gay guy in our next segment. Wanna be on the show?” He asks. Marc is all about this and Amanda is soooo not.

Back at Casa Headcold, Hilda is beginning to lose her voice. She talks to Betty about her article and Betty fesses up about Gio kissing her. Hilda loves dish! Gossip a la Hilda! “Don’t get excited, it was awful” (NOT!) “and now I feel guilty.” (It’s the Catholic talking – just ignore it, it will go away, I promise! Scotch works too). But Hilda figures it out.

“Because you liiiiiked it,” she sings to Betty. Damn right she did.

“No, I just miss Henry and I’m not even close to thinking about another guy” (LIE). “It’s not time yet….is it?” See? Gio’s salami is calling…

“Betty, you cannot plan when you are going to start feeling things again,” Hilda says, right before coughing up a lung. Pretty. Justin walks in looking like something from Xanadu.

“It’s an homage to Grease,” he says. So cute, this one. “Danny Zuko meets couture. If I’m going to this tacky thing, at least I’ll make a splash.” Wow, not even trying to hide this anymore, are they?

When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way. All the way.

Hilda is burning up, and not with love. She’s got Papi’s raging cold but still wants to go to the dance. “To hell with the kids,” she says. Finally a Hilda I can get behind! She decides to stay home and Betty is going in her place…to get the youth perspective. Yes, because if menopausal want to hear anything about youths, the younger the better. Nothing like junior high hormones in a magazine for menopausal hormones.

“I think I still have my homecoming dress,” Betty announces. This woman cannot read an event, can she?

“No velour, or lace, or paisley,” Justin wisely advises, knowing full well that Betty’s dress is all of that and more (probably fringe). He decides to help Betty pull something together, thank God.

Back to Daddy’s Little Girl…Gene is looking into Amanda’s eyes and telling her how he knew she was his daughter the moment he looked into her eyes. Geez, I hope he doesn’t jump her or anything. They cut due to sound problems, and Gene could not care less about Amanda if he tried. Marc sits next to her and says, “He’s so sweet when the cameras were on, then he did like a complete one-eighty.”

Get my agent and see if I can go another round on Celebrity Apprentice!

“What do you mean? Are you saying what my father and I have isn’t real?” Yes, that is sort of what he is saying. “This is exactly why I didn’t want you to come here! You are so jealous that I am rock royalty! But what are you?” She kicks a light and storms out. She should be part of the hormonal stories, too.

School dance, memories from hell. Or at least jumping up and down to “I Love Rock’n Roll.” Those were the days. Betty thinks the gym looks beautiful, Justin notes it’s still just the gym. Betty looks presentable, thank you Justin. He goes fishing for the Coach and Betty attempts to talk to some of the kids who are total and complete brats. Crabby’s eggs die just a little faster with all these kids running around. Isn’t there a bag full of glue they could be huffing?

One little brat says, “I know you from somewhere.” to Betty. “Yeah, braces. You know my brother.” Rut-roh.

“Who’s your brother?” Betty asks, then turns around and sees Gio! Wow, she really is a stalker.

Betty tells him she is not stalking him, he’s stalking her, but she’s busy because she’s writing a story, blah, blah, blah.

“Oh, I see, you get your kiss and now you’re blowing me off,” he says. Oh, how he wishes.

“You kissed me,” she says.

“Well you kissed me back,” he says. He’s got you there, Betty, we saw it. And so did most of your company. “I even felt your tongue.” Again with the tongue!

“I was blocking your tongue,” she says. Oh that is a balls-out lie!

“You Frenched me, Suarez,” he teases, “you Frenched me good.” Awesome.

“I did not French you,” she says, storming off. He follows. “And who calls it Frenching?” What else would you call it? Brie-ing? Croissanting? Surrendering? What other words do the French know?

Justin gets a phone call from his mother and damn, is their makeup person good. She looks as bad as I do when I’m sick. Nice job on the red nose, too, that’s perfect. She’s checking in on Coach Diaz to see who he’s talking to, if he’s dancing with anyone, if he got her note that says, “Do you like me? Check yes, no, or maybe. From, Hilda.”

Honey, pick me up some Kleenex with lotion, I’m raw!

And here we go…Daniel on Larry King. Well, not Larry himself, on Larry King Live, although with Daniel’s lobido and inability to judge character… This is not going to end well, mostly because Daniel is a total and complete putz who never went through any kind of media training. His PR company really should stop him from you know, speaking or going out in public in any way, shape or form. They are talking about the return of Wilhelmina Slater and how it will affect Mode. Is this what Larry has stooped to? Worse than the Paris Hilton interview, really.

Larry, you have got to get that gas under control.

Daniel says Willie is back in name only, then he gets a call from a “woman” in Vermont that is clearly Marc. Marc asks, “Do you have trouble with successful women or just women who don’t want to sleep with you?” Daniel immediately gets flummoxed as Daniel will. Out-smarted by Marc! That has to hurt. Within seconds Daniel looks like an ass. Nice work, Willie. Who do you think Larry had to bump for Daniel to get on the show that evening? Probably Lindsay Lohan’s ferret walker.

Back at the dance where Betty is stalking teens and is very close to being on one of those postcards I seem to get monthly about sex offenders moving into the neighborhood. Seriously, Betty, stop tracking those kids like you are a horny teacher ready for some hot lovin’. How do you not have your own youth perspective? She looks over and sees Gio mixing it up with the kids with his hot dance moves. Go Gio, go Gio, go Gio.

Storming over to Gio, she grabs him by the arm and asks him for his help in talking to the kids. “Just talk to them like adults,” he says. Yes, talk to teens like adults instead of the freaks they truly are. He does do this cute thing where he compares all the junior high kids to people she knows. “Look, there’s a Daniel (boy with arms around 2 girls), there’s an Amanda (girl putting gum in another girls hair and laughing), that kid is definitely me (kid defacing the school dance poster).”

“Oh, I hate that little kid, I busted him twice tonight defacing posters,” she says. Apple-polisher.

“And now we know who you were in school,” Gio says. “The girl who never had any fun.” She does kind of have that Lisa Simpson quality, doesn’t she?

“I had plenty of fun. I did yearbook (so did I!), and young environmentalists (we didn’t care back then!), and multi-cultural club (we only had upper middle class white kids!), and I don’t like to brag but in 8th grade I did win the good citizen award.” Dork! However, she gave it back to the school for them to display because that’s what a good citizen would do. Wow, I triple-dork dare you. Yes, a good citizen would want EVERYONE to know she was a good citizen. A little hubris wouldn’t kill you, Betty.

Gio looks over at the bleachers and says, “Found her…little Betty. She must be covering this for the school paper.” He is looking over at a total and complete wallflower sitting on the bleachers taking notes.

“No,” Betty says, pausing. “She’s waiting for someone to ask her to dance.” Oh, man. This is exactly the Ugly Betty I’ve been looking for. Nice work on this one, writers, that was an absolutely charming line that lets Gio see into Betty and makes me glad I’m not in junior high anymore. Phew.

Betty decides to talk to her like a normal person. Go figure.

Wilhelmina slinks up to Claire like the Slytherin she is and says, “I hear that your advertising situation hasn’t gotten any better.” Really? In Hot Flash - no menopause medicine ads? Ginseng? Ginko Biloba? Erectile dysfunction? There’s a whole medicine cabinet being advertised for Centrum abusers in every magazine I pick up, how can they not be glomming on to Hot Flash? “May I suggest – “

“I’M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION,” Claire snaps. Amen. “You would sabotage me in a heartbeat.”

“Have you ever considered giving away your advertising for free?” Wilhelmina asks.

“Why would I possibly do that?”

“Because advertisers are cheap. Give free space to one it brand with a promise they don’t tell anyone else it’s free. All of a sudden you’ve landed a big account, you’re legit, and buyers are willing to pay top dollar to be in your magazine,” Wilhelmina finishes. She’s showing off her genius more than her evil right now…that is really smart. Damn, put her in charge of everything and live off the dividends!

“Why are you helping me?”

“Because I have a real stake in this company.” That is true. I still wouldn’t trust her, but you have to admit, good idea.

Back on the set, Amanda comes over to Gene because she’s really upset and she needs some of that daddy-daughter talk. He asks her to hold the crying until the cameras can get on them. When he turns around, she notices the tattoo on his back has been smeared. Oops. Her daddy ain’t her daddy! That means he’s still out there! Hope he’s an accountant, just not Henry.

He had his tattoo done on Des Moines Ink, because mom won’t let them get real tattos

Betty is talking to Wallflower who says she’s most looking forward to graduation. Wow, that’s going to be a long 4 years ahead of you if that is it. Suddenly there’s a dedication to Betty from Gio. Yay! It’s Spandau Ballet with “True,” which I’m pretty sure was popular when I was in school which was way, way, way, way, did I say way? before Betty was in junior high. Way.

Gio walks over to Betty and asks her to do something “crazy and actually dance at a school dance.” He holds his hand out. She looks at Wallflower.and Gio says, “Don’t worry about her, I’ve got that covered,” and Justin walks up to ask her to dance. That would have been awesome if it had been Coach Diaz. Justin’s really taking one for the team.

I just met a girl named…Mario!

She sets her stuff down (that recorder is so getting stolen) and dances with Gio. God, do these dances ever get easier? He spins her around and they get a little too close – think the dance between Fraulein Maria and Captain von Trapp, and if you get that you heard Spandau Ballet at one of your dances too. She tears out of his arms and out of the gym. I wonder if the sun…has gone…to bed…and so must Betty?

What about the Barroness? I’m going back to the convent!

Betty’s on the stairs crying, ending the evening like most junior high dances do. Gio sees her and says, “Hey.” The guy’s version of, “Oh my God are you okay if he did anything to you I will KILL him.”

“I’m fine, how are you,” Betty says.

“I’m good. You realize I didn’t actually ask how are you,” Gio says.

“Oh, I’m fine, thanks,” Betty responds. If she wants to be a writer, she really ought to listen better.

Wow, just like Crabby’s 7th grade dance. And 8th, 9th, 10th…

He sits down next to her. “I’m not that type of person who can have a boyfriend and just forget about them. Especially someone I love,” she says. “Loved….what am I doing dancing with you, Gio? What does that say about me?”

“God, Betty, it must be so exhausting always worrying about the right thing to do.” Luckily, Crabby is never exhausted, but let’s not ruin this moment. “Maybe you should stop worrying about what you are supposed to be and just…be.”

“I’m really sad,” she says. Okay, Crabby needs a moment here people. Where is my bourbon? Oh here it is, under the sofa cushion again.

“Well, sad I think we can work with,” he says. He looks over at the trophy case…

Back to Brun-Hilda, looking awesome. “Talk to me,” she says, drinking some tea or buttered rum or something. But Coach is gone! Justin lost him during his hetero dance. No wait – there’s Coach! Get to the heart of things Justin. He taps the coach on the shoulder.

“My mom would kill me if she knew I was doing this, but she wants to know if you like her.” Yes, she would kill you, but only if the answer is no.

“If I like her?” Even Coach Diaz is humored by Hilda’s immaturity. “What is this, junior high?” Uh, look around bonehead.

You ain’t bright, Coach, but with that ass who cares?

“Actually, yes, and she totally likes you,” Justin says. Coach really is dense if he didn’t pick up on that. Surely she can’t be the only single mom (or married one, for that matter), who has hit on him.

Back to Mode where Claire is about to declare war in front of the war pictures (is that one a U2 CD cover?). “Over my dead body,” she yells.

“Mom, I’m sorry, it’s done,” Alexis says. This won’t be good, but luckily Alexis actually learned something in school – like how to add money.

Dippy Daniel walks in and says, “What’s going on here?”

“I reinstated Wilhelmina as Creative Director of Mode.” Daniel freaks. “Do you know how much easier it was having her around today? She saved your cover, she helped save Hot Flash in under a minute, she’s…the best in the business.” People, what has Crabby been saying all along? Just because she’s a total bitch doesn’t mean she’s not good at her job. Hope they gave her a raise! Don’t get me wrong, she’s evil to the core, but in a fun way.

“What about not making any moves without the other?” Daniel asks.

“Like you going on national television and making an ass of yourself and this magazine?” She’s got you there, Daniel. “This is damage control.” Seems like they’d have people for that, but you know, they can’t even get into a face-to-face with their attorney. “I’m making a tough decision which is my job as president of the company.” And she was able to rub that right in your face, Daniel. “This discussion’s over.” Wow, apparently she kept a few of her appendages from her previous life!

Oops! I crapped my pants!

Back to the dance, Gio is opening the trophy case to get Betty’s Good Citizen trophy out. Betty is totally excited and can’t wait to hold it, or have her picture taken with it, “No, wait, that would be evidence!” Gio gets the door open and Gio says with a Mexican accent, “Betty, come get me, you work so hard I belong to you!” He is much funnier than Henry.

“My trophy speaks with a Mexican accent?” Betty asks. Well, what else is there?

“All trophies do,” Gio answers. Even the bowling ones?

Betty takes her trophy and holds it, all excited, “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” Don’t excite Gio, now, Betty, or you’ll be branded a tease! “It’s a lot lighter than I imagined!”

This totally makes me forget I’m torn between two lovers!

The whole trophy shelf comes crashing down and Principal Heyward comes flying over all up in their business. “Betty Suarez?” he asks. “Stealing?” Way to get the whole story first. He takes the trophy out of her hand and says, “You’re a bad citizen Betty Suarez.” And you’re probably still getting paid less than she is! She and Gio crack up.

I find you guilty first, then get my facts later!

Back in the birth canal that is the Mode hallway, Daniel sees Wilhelmina and yells for her. “Alexis may be on board with you and your little act, but I am not. I haven’t forgotten who you are.”

“And who am I, Daniel?” Liquid evil? “This morning I was nothing at all and this evening I’m Creative Director. Who knows, tomorrow I may be Editor-in-Chief.” Can you imagine all the drama that would have been avoided if Bradford has just promoted Wilhelmina to the job she deserved instead of bringing in his dumbest kid? Damn!

I’m smiling but I plan to suck your soul later

Time for Amanda and Marc to make up…she knocks on his…wall, and he says, “Well if it isn’t Miss Fancy Pants Celebrity back among the muggles.”

She apologizes to Marc and tells him he was right, she just didn’t want him to see that Gene only loved her on camera. Like most of his relationships with women, I’m guessing. She tells him not only were his feelings for her not real, he’s not her dad. “It was all a publicity stunt.” Tearing up, Amanda adds, “He needed a gimmick for his reality show, and I was just a gorgeous ingénue looking for a dad.”

Marc says, “I didn’t want to say this before but I am so relieved. Thank God you’re not related because in 10 years that massive forehead could be you.” Now Gene Simmons is going to have Marc killed. You know he has the power. He puts his arm around Amanda and says, “I’m sorry you still don’t know who your family is.”

She kisses him. “Yes I do.” I love it when they are both human!

A family of vipers is still a family

Meanwhile, back at Casa Phlegm, there’s a knock at the door. “Who is it?” Hilda’s scratchy voice asks.

“It’s umm…Tony. Diaz.” Did he forget his own name or was he having second thoughts? Wait until he sees her. Luckily she does have some good boobage going on. But of course she freaks because otherwise, she’s a scratchy, fevery, red-nosed, dripping mess. Hott!

Sexy in a “Can I rub Vicks on your bosom” way

She tries to be all cool when she opens the door, but her 3-year old with a cold voice takes over. Gnice! That coughing is really sexy. He brought her some soup. He likes her, he likes her! Then he tells her she looks great, however, he is going to decline her invite to come in (smart move, you might consider showering with sanitizer tonight too, buddy). Then he asks her out. Actually, he just wants to see if she might you know sort of maybe might want to hang out if she has some free time. So, not really a date, more like asking to split the bill at college football night at BW-3.

Back at Mode, Wilhelmina is looking over New York as though she’s preparing to ingest it. Marc says, “I love it, you’re back and Wilhelmeaner than ever.”

Made it through another day without someone dropping
a house on me and stealing my fancy red shoes.

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without your help,” Willie says. “Brilliant move getting a Vermont cell phone.”

“You told me to,” Marc says.

“Like I said, brilliant move.”

Walking home from the most fun dance ever are Gio and his sister and Betty and Justin. Gio is recapping the trophy stealing story to the kids and Justin calls her a “Badass.” They say their goodnights and Gio tells his sister he wants to say a proper good night to Betty. Me-ow!

“Sorry I got you into trouble,” he says. Henry never would have.

“Don’t worry about it, I had fun!” Betty says. “And besides, I figured out what my article is going to be about: ‘You can be young at any age.’” Yes, that’s especially riveting coming from a 24-year old! Bah!

He walks down the stairs and Betty suddenly decides to be in the moment. “Hey, crazy idea. Do you want to uh, maybe, do something, uh sometime?”

“Like a date?”

“I don’t know. Yeah.”

“I don’t think so.”

“What?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Okay, I’m a little confused. You kissed me. Then you danced with me. You talk about being my rebound guy…so…I mean, what was that all about?”

And here it comes, comment of the night award goes to…even though I knew what he was going to say before he said it and it gave The Crab chills…

“Well that’s just it. I don’t want to be the rebound guy. I want to be the guy.” And he walks away.

…………………………………oh, sorry, The Crab just totally swooned on that one. Weak knees, and I’m lounging on the sofa. Just, wow. This is the Ugly Betty I love. Wow. Make me want to do this: heee heee heee.

A-humina-humina-humina. Henry who?

Next week – OMG – Lindsay Lohan and Naomi Campbell on Ugly Betty - must be an afterschool special about drinking and housekeeper abuse, OMG – Betty makes out with Gio, OMG-Daniel gets replaced by Wilhelmina as Editor-in-Chief, OMG-Daniel has a son (well, the first one he has found out about), and for a split second it looked like Henry was taking a picture of something but my DVR cut off, so after running it back I see that – OMG! Henry is proposing. I’m assuming to that two-timer Betty. OMG!

How did they get Crabby’s 7th grade picture?