Ugly Betty: A Meh-morable Season Premiere

Dear Crabby: Ohmygod ohmygod I’ve been waiting all summer for the season premiere of Ugly Betty. Will it be as good as I hoped?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch:
I’ve been waiting all summer for it too and realized I may have been a little too hyped up for the premiere when I realized I kept looking at my watch through most of it. I’m blaming the fact they brought a kid (other than Justin) onto the show. Daniel’s new son, Daniel, is Ugly Betty’s version of Cousin Oliver, and much more annoying, non?
-Crabby

Stupid kids ruin everything! Get the hell out of here Cousin Oliver!

We begin delicious season 3 of Ugly Betty without Gio, without Henry, and without the trip to Europe I was so sure Betty would take. Daniel gives her two first class tickets and an all-expense paid trip through five-star hotels in Italy, but instead she goes trekking through the Grand Canyon? I’m not saying it’s not beautiful, I’m just saying it ain’t going anywhere. Those first class tickets will only stay open-ended for a limited time.

Betty is talking to her mother’s grave, and I’m wondering how Papi et al could have afforded such a big stone on his little – slash that, NO salary. That rock is huge! And it seems to come with a miniature picket fence. Nice.

Let’s hope the $700 billion bailout lets the dead keep their picket fences!

We flash back to last season’s softball game where Betty gives Henry back his ring (she must have stashed it in her cup before the game) and tells him she’s not ready for marriage (YAY!) and tells Gio if she went to Italy with him, she’d only be leading him on. Methinks Gio would be okay with that (as would most men), but whatever.

Betty tells her mother’s tombstone that she needs to find herself on her own. She also thinks about ordering mushrooms on her tombstone (ba-dum-bah, I’ll be here all night!). She leaves the fake picture of her mother and Papi at the Grand Canyon (taken at Coney Island) on the tombstone. They look like wax figures in the picture!

Papi, is that you at Madame Trousseau’s? Lifelike!

So, Betty heads west…Grand Canyon where she waves to cacti, Yosemite where she mainlines…no, wait, I think it’s called ziplining, Route 66 where she builds houses (must be in New Orleans) – now there’s a vacation, building homes for people who are just going to lose them in the next flood! Biking with people who probably are trying to get away from her, and eating seafood with someone she may have accidentally married while in San Fran. Please explain to me how she did this on an assistant’s salary? My last vacation involved staying at home and refinishing furniture. At least I got high on the turpentine fumes.

Oops I crapped my pants!

Back at home, Betty is explaining her trip to Justin and Hilda, and shows them her “idea binder.” A big notebook with a light bulb on it that has all the great ideas she’ll be sharing with Daniel when she gets back to Mode. Did they not connect at the softball game? Because you’d think she’d know Daniel is out. No worries, Hilda and Justin are just as horrified by the binder as we all are.

Check out why I’m not having sex now!

“I feel so empowered!” Betty says. Oh, man, is she setting herself up for a fall. How could someone who grew up in Queens be so damn naïve? “Is that why you have that blue thing around your neck?” Does Betty have gangrene? No, it’s just an unusually large bird-of-turquoise necklace. Rock on, Betty.

The necklace is her “power animal” which is a dove (are they powerful?) that represents peace and maturity. My power animal is George Clooney, and he represents “hot” and “sex.” Anyhoo, the bird is supposed to provide her with power but something tells me it’s just going to end up shitting all over her like she’s my picnic table.

Betty came back with a plan but wants dad to hear it too. Papi enters with a Flushing Burger uniform – he got a job! Cooking! At a fast food place! I don’t think hitting the fries alarm counts as cooking so much as “waking up.” Were the thousands of delicious greasy diners in New York not hiring? Because I’m thinking Papi would have enjoyed that more.

Betty wants to tell them about her ambitious plan: Take on more responsibility at work so she gets a promotion in a year (talk about naïve, try sucking up instead, Betty, trust me on this one, hard work doesn’t pay off unless you are in India or China right now), no more romantic entanglements (yes, having two guys want you is such a burden…beyotch!), and getting her own apartment in the city. Because Manhattan apartments are just that cheap! And really, where is her family going to live now? They rarely work! I thought Betty was paying all the bills.

Justin’s excited because now he has a place for his secret trists!

Papi is pissed because he thinks Betty can’t afford to live in the city. Plus, he hates her outfit which makes her look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz on crack. He thinks she’s being…you guessed it. Naïve. She storms off. Nice socks. Very…yellow.

I’ll get your apartment, and your little dog too!
Anyone wearing ankle socks with high heels should definitely not get her own apartment.

At Flushing Burger, which ironically is what you do to it 2 hours after eating, Papi reports to his boss, Lindsay Lohan. I wondered what she was up to these days! Turns out Betty’s nemesis from junior high is the high priestess at the local burger joint. Pissed that Betty works at Mode and just took a fantastic vacation, she relegates Papi to cleaning the bathrooms. He thought he was on fry duty today. Papi, the bathrooms are probably cleaner. “Urinal cakes are in the back.” Aren’t they always?

Sorry to hear your crotchless leggings aren’t selling so well, Lindsay.
At least you can be proud of this career.

Betty is looking forward to getting back to Mode because, after all, they clearly missed her terribly. The elevator doors open to a blizzard! Christmas is cancelled because Santa can’t see through the sleet and ice! The Mode offices have been turned into a colorless meat locker. As opposed to the rainbow bright ones.

Wow, just like Wilhelmina’s womb, with better lighting.

Freezing, Amanda rubs her arms and answers the phone with, “Thank you for calling the new Mode magazine.” WTF? It’s been a month, what possibly could have made it new? The office is black, white, and ice cold to keep people “sharp.” Amanda and Mark hug Betty in all her fabulous messy- and colorful-ness since they’ve been living in the underworld. You know this can’t be right.

In space they can’t hear you scream, but your heels sound like a death knell!

Then they hear the click of Fall 2008 Manolos and Mark screams “Look busy!” as everyone runs back to their stations and pretends to work. Betty enters Daniel’s old office and it’s a black and white baby room. Like Willie would ever bring her kid to work unless she needed a snack. Suddenly Willie busts through the wall with a sledge hammer and sees Betty. “It’s back,” she says. When Betty asks where Daniel is, Wilhelmina looks down. In Hell? Because, yeah, that sounds about right.

Sweet Christ, this kid is going to have major problems.
Where will they find a therapist who hasn’t seen The Omen?

But no, turns out Daniel is in charge of what they should have put him in charge of in the FIRST PLACE! Player Magazine. Yep. You know, I can’t help but think of how much better things would have gone if they had put Daniel’s johnson in charge of that magazine in the first place instead of Mode. But, hindsight is 20/20, and hinds are now in g-strings. Betty can’t believe her luck!

Just another day at the office. If you work for Jimmy Kimmel.

“This is the third best-selling non-nudity men’s magazine in the country,” behind Martha Stewart Living and Highlights Daniel tells her. That should make it all better in Betty’s eyes, but think how disappointed Justin is going to be. On the upside, I think we may have found a new employment opportunity for Hilda.

Daniel left several messages for Betty but the number the receptionist called was “Six numbers and the letter P,” Betty points out. Maybe that’s all the further she’s gotten with Sesame Street’s alphabet, Betty, geez. He introduces her to his staff and they actually boo her. Betty should get an attorney and settle quickly.

Back at Mode, the witches are at it…”Love your perfume, Claire…musky,” Willie says to Claire. “Bite me!” Claire snaps back. I love Claire. She’s like cowbell, I gotta have more of her. She walks into her office and encounters an angry and poochie-bellied Alexis (somebody’s prego…sucka!). At least they aren’t hiding it with groceries a la Claire Huxtable.

Alexis wonders if the budget she sees is to promote Mode or for the new Harry Potter movie. Like she’d know what that is. Willie says, “I know the marketing numbers are a teensy bit high…” Let me stop you right there. I’ve worked in marketing for years, and that phrase has NEVER, EVER, NOT ONCE been uttered by anyone. “Marketing budget” and “High” do not ever go together in the same sentence ever. It’s more like “Marketing collection plate” and “Good luck.”

But Wilhelmina wants splashy ads and the giant billboard in Times Square that no one can see because they’ve been blinded by the light, and not of God or his crew. Seriously, it’s been a month. Just make an announcement as to who took over and produce the damn magazine. Don’t make me stop this car and spank you until you do.

Yeah, this won’t increase your marketing budget either, trust me.

Unfortunately, the billboard is for Hot Flash, and Alexis is “cutting off” Wilhelmina. Bummer. What should Willie do? Mark grabs her and rushes her through the office and into the elevator so when the doors close she can SCREAM HER HEAD OFF. Oh, I’ve tried that. You still won’t get the marketing dollars. What else doesn’t work? Faking your own death to try to get the condolence money earmarked for your family for your next event. I’m way ahead of you on that one, Willie.

In a boring twist of TV writing, we get to go apartment hunting with Betty. She sees a beautiful apartment that most top execs in NYC couldn’t afford, let alone a lowly, lowly assistant. There’s even a white dove (a.k.a. a white pigeon with lice, no doubt).

Unfortunately, the apartment goes too quickly, and Betty has to take the other apartment in the building – just like this one! Oh, good, there should be no shenanigans in getting a “similar” apartment upstairs that you’ve never seen. I’m sure there are no catches. Betty gives her first, last, and one month’s security deposit which takes care of all of her savings. Good financial move, Betty! Enjoy sleeping, eating, and cooking on the floor since you can’t afford any furniture or supplies for your home. Steal toilet paper from the office, that will help.

Back at Hotel de Suarez, Hilda is performing aerobics with Coach on…the family sofa!?!?! Hilda! Gross! Also, maybe this is the reason you have no customers for your salon? And Coach, did you call in sick, because I’m thinking you need to be at school scarring kids like me for life with your bullying gym class. Or maybe you just sit on the sidelines and smoke like my gym teachers did (no joke)?

Romance on chez sofa is broken by some totally chick song playing on Coach’s phone…it’s his wife! That will always ruin post-coital chit-chat, the wife calling. Hilda says she doesn’t want to talk about the wife because she just wants to be happy. She dropped out of school when she had Justin, right?

Betty arrives at her new apartment the next day (I love the schedule in Ugly Betty’s world) with a box and suitcase in tow. Yes, you are ready to live on your own. She and Hilda open the door to the most squalid, hideous, drippy, filthy, urine-soaked hell hole. If it were 400 square feet, it would be the perfect studio apartment in New York. The sexy view she was promised? Naked old people having breakfast. HOTT.

You can smell the urine and black mold! What a steal!

And seriously, what is up with Betty wearing socks with high heels? Her clothes are trendy and horrible at the same time. So, so, bad.

Hilda threatens to call Papi about the apartment. Because his legal experience with almost being deported will help him get Betty out of the lease she signed? I say, let her clean the filth and learn her lesson.

Back at the office, Betty is leaving messages about having her apartment cleaned, fixed, and having it be someone else’s apartment. I’ve got news for you, there are these great things called maids. Call a couple and get the cosmetic stuff fixed. Also? Consider squatting until you get out of your lease. It goes on all the time if you believe Judge Judy.

Daniel asks Betty to join him in the conference room but Betty is stuck to her chair, thanks to Daniel Jr. who put glue on it. Yeah, funny. He’s the French Jerry Lewis. No wait…Daniel says he’s just being a kid. No, he’s being a tool. A piece of merde. Daniel rolls her into the conference room and they boo her again.

Who wears a slip nowadays? I’d boo her too.

Daniel showed one of his Neanderthals Betty’s notebook and they want to take her idea of women of 40 biking across the country after surviving illnesses and turning it into hot biker chicks traveling across the country in search of the best places to party. Well, at least they know their demographic. To celebrate this great idea, they want Betty to promote it at a Harley Davidson event tomorrow. Yes, because adding an event to something like that only takes 24 hours to plan, especially in New York City.

Back at Mode, Willie is screaming at her staff for coming up with a lame idea for the next issue “Kimo-No! No!” Mark yells at the geisha Model in front of them, shooing them all away. Alexis storms in with ginormous boobs (lucky babies) and Willie says, “Make the call.”

“What now, Willie, Mode need a helicopter pad on the roof?” Geez, pick a personality, Alexis…you love her, you hate her. Either do her or let her do her job, damn. And stop making me stand up for Willie, it makes me feel like the mattress in Betty’s apartment.

Willie apologizes for the quarrel they had earlier when Mark says, “Regis! Kelly! Line 1!” Willie gets on the phone only to find out it’s Gellman (ha!). She will only go on their show if they let her bring Alexis along. Alexis caves quickly and agrees to go on the show. “Like taking candy from a tranny,” Mark says. Well, at least you aren’t taking her lip gloss.

Over at the Harley Davidson party, Betty is trying to get out of the apartment lease and finally agrees to have them clean and fix it. She runs into Mark and Amanda who are there to see her do something completely humiliating. Now that’s friendship. Betty turns and Daniel Jr. (DJ) gets shot with silly string in the face. Daniel says, “He’s just a kid,” and I’m thinking, “So was Hannibal Lechter.”

God I hate this f$%&*#@ kid.

The ditzy receptionist for Player tells Betty that the girl playing the letter “R” got hit in the eye with silly string and went home, and now they’re without the last letter. Betty says she’ll fix it. Hmmm, I wonder how? Did the Grey’s Anatomy writers switch places with the Ugly Betty ones, because this is getting boring and predictable.

Over on Regis and Kelly, Willie is talking about the new and improved Mode. Kelly and Reg get all up in Alexis’s business about firing her brother, then trash on Hot Flash. They totally make fun of it, and I’m thinking, Reg – Kelly – have you seen your audience? You may want to shut the hell up! Willie, one, Alexis, zero. How hard is it to know when you’ve been played, you grew up in New York, not in a cornfield in Iowa.

Hot Flash? Joy has ‘em all the time!
I’m having one now!

Back at the Player event, Betty is on the bike playing the letter “R.” She is about to take off when DJ hits her once again in the face with silly string. She takes off, almost kills people, and ends up in a vat of something women are fighting in. Looks like jello or fake blood, I’m not sure which it is. Mark and Amanda are in heaven.

Nickelodeon meets Cinemax. I’m still not paying for it.

Alexis is being all haughty in the limo back from Regis and Kelly, complaining about how they criticized Hot Flash. Willie thinks it’s the tip of the iceberg and that sales have, after all, been sucky. She has an idea of how to help the magazine. Yes, I’m sure you do, Nosferatu.

Wilhelmina in her younger years.

Betty goes back to her apartment – all cleaned up including her clothes – and is pissed to find out they haven’t cleaned or fixed anything, and that their offices are closed. She could start cleaning herself, I’m just saying. Hilda calls and says they need to meet at Flushing Burger, stat. Betty lives in a world with 40 hour days. I wish I had those sometimes.

Hilda tells Betty the manager is being mean to Papi and has cut his hours, so they need to kick some ass. Nothing like sending your daughters to do your dirty work. When they get there, Betty realizes it’s her nemesis Kim from junior high. Dun-dun-dunnnn. What will she do?

They get into a food fight, that’s what. How UNLIKE Betty. Seriously, this makes no sense. Betty throws a milkshake, Kim deep-fries the idea book (kudos to you on that one), and Hilda tosses a salad…at Kim.

Really, was there any other future for this damn thing?
At least now it’s somewhat palatable.

And speaking of tossed salad, the Meade are having dinner in the lobby of Player (hott!). Claire is pissed at Regis and Kelly (get in line) but then does go into “dryness” at the table. Ew. Get some vinaigrette for your lady issues, Claire. Daniel tells DJ no cake at the table, and I’m serious, I think that kid is channeling Helen Keller pre-tutor. He eats that cake like an animal and when Daniel tries to take it away, it splatters onto Alexis. Where is this kid’s mother? Oh, right, she’s dead. Must be turning over right now too what with his good manners and all. Daniel yells at DJ and DJ goes off into a room, slamming the door. Bitchy teen translates nicely.

Back at the ranch, the food fight continues. Mature. Fries flying, burgers slapping Hilda’s boob, croutons everywhere. Finally an inept police officer shows up and breaks up the fight. Thanks, Yoko. He sends Hilda and Betty on their way which is odd since I’m guessing the restaurant may want a damage report for any insurance claims or lawsuits from people being squirted in the eye with ketchup. “And tell your old man he’s fired,” Kim says. Ohh, gee, hope he can find another crap-ass job.

Girl fight involving fries? You know the male
demographic just shot up 100%.

Back at Player, Daniel is upset his son hates him. Claire says not to worry, he has to discipline him, etc., etc. and then she gets the call…Hot Flash has been “downsized.” Now Claire is on the loose!

Alexis tells Claire they need to make it a quarterly or an insert…and Claire tells her how Willie is playing her. First it was Daniel, then Claire…next, it will be her. Unfortunately, Alexis is too stupid to see that. Must be the boobs.

At Chez Suarez, Betty confesses her horrible day and bad decision-making to her dad. But her dad says now she’s growing up. Wow, too bad she had to spend probably six grand to figure that out. Papi says, “This is growing up.” Yeah, and growing up sometimes sucks.

Betty goes back to Flushing Burger to apologize to Kim. She says she acted like a child but she’s still reacting to Kim being such a bully to her in high school. So, I’m sorry, but it’s your fault I acted like that. I love those apologies. Kim says that she’s jealous of Betty and her job, apartment, life, etc. “Everything went downhill after high school.” Yeah, it usually does for bullies and popular girls. The dorks normally do okay and sometimes we even end up recapping. “Tell Ignacio to be here at noon.” Who the hell is Ignacio? Oh, she means Papi. Good, he got his minimum wage job back. Well worth the fight.

DJ apologizes to Daniel who says he loves him but he has to yell at him sometimes. They hug, I barf. Get lost, Cousin Oliver. Where are his maternal grandparents? Can’t they claim him?

Back at Player, everyone is watching a video of Betty crashing into the vat of goo. Daniel yells at them for doing this, but Betty recommends putting it on the Player website to “appeal to the 18-34 year old idiots who respond to this kind of humor.” Daniel smiles and says, “I told you she was good.” No, she just has a lot of rent to pay. Instead of booing her, they make sick sexy noises. She prefers the booing. I prefer last season.

Betty gets back to her cave and hears something inside. Rats? Snakes? Trump? She gets out her security whistle, holds up the mop she just bought, and busts open the door to find her family in there cleaning. As supportive as a wonderbra! Don’t worry, the entire family will be moving in with her soon.

Wow, Mexicans cleaning. Good one, Ugly Betty.

Guess who got her billboard on Times Square? “Remind me to send Kelly Ripa a nice gift basket,” Willie says, looking over a billboard featuring who else? Willie. “She’s as reliable as she is fertile!” Mark says. That is so totally true! Unlike Reg who is one untrustworthy bastard and totally sterile.

Betty is crossing things off her to-do list. Wow, three items and two crossed off within a few days. No wonder she’s in demand, her “Honey-Do” list would be a cakewalk. Bitch should see my weekend chore schedule, and that ain’t gonna change unless these dogs start growing opposable thumbs and can reach the knobs on the washing machine.

The last item she needs to cross off is no more romantic entanglements. Then loud music begins to play. Oh, I hope it’s being played by hot neighbor guy. Oh, it is. Oh, how predictable. Oh, and his name is Jessie. Dangerous! Just like on The Gilmore Girls. I think the fact she’s asking him to turn down the music is enough to show she’s now an adult/elderly person.

Oh good, a romantic entanglement named Jessie. How original.

He plays Tom Petty’s “American Girl” and Betty dances her ass off (she wishes). Nice furniture. Who paid for that? Flushing Burger? And? Your outfit is terrible.

How did you pay for this? And why isn’t your decorating
sense following into your fashion sense?

Were my hopes too high? Perhaps. Next week, Willie tries to get Betty to become her assistant. What about Mark? Where would he go? Say it ain’t so!