Ugly Betty: Vengeance is the Viewer’s!

Dear Crabby: Is it possible Ugly Betty has redeemed itself from last week?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch: In the words of Homer Simpson, “Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all!” because yes, they did! And I’m not just saying that because I’m high on Benadryl, either.
-Crabby

We begin this Ugly Betty much where we normally do, having photographs of scantily-clad women taken for the magazine, just swap Player for Mode and you are good to go, unfortunately. Betty’s idea of having the top female attorneys of America evolved into “Hottest Lawyers in America” with skimpy bras and all. And nothing says professional like a woman lawyer showing her lady parts in an almost-girly magazine. Is that Gloria Allred? Shake it like your subpoena means it, sister.

Wow, Ruth Bader Ginsberg must be using P90X! And self-tanner!

“I know this is Player magazine, but does every spread need to be women in skimpy bras?” Isn’t that Player magazine’s mission statement? Missing the point, Daniel agrees and asks that they lose the skimpy bras which go flying all over the place as though Joey Tribbiani snapped them off. Betty gets hit with 2 of them but stays sharp enough to catch Daniel reviewing the Mode book prior to printing.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t how you wear a bra,
but Betty is known for being style-challenged.

Daniel says he was just interested in what Wilhelmina was up to. Uh-huh. “You know what she’s up to. Firing, scheming, looking for a puppy to kick,” Betty says. Wow, just like my day only without the puppy-kicking. I’m a dog person, you know. How about looking for a mole to kick, primarily the one that is using my yard as its own personal habitrail? He hands the mockup to Betty and says, “I’m glad I’m not a part of it.” Pants on fire, liar.

Betty, being a good assistant and loyal employee, takes the book to Alexis with Daniel’s notes. Alexis assumes Daniel trashed the book, but really his notes are insightful (well, as insightful as a man being hit with pink bras can be). Alexis is impressed at how much he cares about the magazine. Hmmm…wonder if she’ll change her mind about the leadership? Again.

Over to Hilda and Coach, and honestly, this is really the least interesting plot of the show. They are having lunch together on the waterfront with a delicious view of Rikers as Hilda points out, which once again begs the question WHY AREN’T THEY WORKING? How is Hilda building a clientele for her “salon” when she’s never at work? She needs a call from Tabitha and her takeover crew!

Date schedule? F#&% off, there’s your date schedule!

Coach offers to take Hilda on a real date, which is nice since they’ve been screwing like bunnies on the family sofa. He says, “Jill got called for a meeting Wednesday morning, maybe we can do something special Wednesday night.” You know, nothing says romance than when your beau makes plans with you around his wife. Jesus

Go boo-hoo somewhere else! You got yourself in this amoral mess.

Hilda asks him if they do have a future together. He says yes, that he “promises.” Like you promised your wife to be faithful? “You’re not the other woman,” he says to Hilda. Except that you are!

Coach, your pants are ready.

Back at Mode, Alexis is going over the book with Wilhelmina, and I have to say, would someone who was supposed to be running the entire group of magazines, including the financials, operations, even the geeky IT department be going over ever aspect of the magazine with the editor? Doesn’t she have like 50 other magazines to run? Stop micromanaging, Alexis!

Willie is not amused. The book goes to print that night and more importantly her launch party is in two days. To re-launch a magazine she took over one month ago. Narcissistic much? Me too! The cover shot is of Angelina Jolie encased in ice, and as part of Team Aniston, I must say well done! Alexis thinks it’s too “arty.” Willie grabs the notes and sees Daniel’s child-like writing (dots his i’s with hearts!). Alexis says Betty brought the book to her with Daniel’s notes. Willie’s pissed, and rightfully so. Who wants to take direction from a guy living in warm-up suits?

Will Angelina now adopt an Eskimo orphan? Stay tuned.

Alexis tells her to put her ego aside because her issue clearly needs help. Ego aside? We don’t have that kind of time or manpower! “Where’s the ‘Mode Girl on Madison’ feature?” Alexis asks. Willie replies, “Who cares what the average girls wear on the street? We shouldn’t be taking their pictures, we should be throwing rocks at them!” Stoning is such a GlamourDon’t, Willie, unless it’s Glamour-Afghanistan!

“Our readers like it,” Alexis protests.

“Our readers like what I tell them to like,” Willie responds. Oh, Willie, look around. That didn’t work for Moses, either.

Willie is pissed and realizes that Betty, not Daniel, is the force to be reckoned with. Way to catch up, Willie, it is season 3. “She’s trying to get Daniel back in here…she’s the problem!” You know Marc is up for the task.

At Player, Betty is about to gorge herself on what I can only imagine is a cold and gelatinous burrito when Marc whacks it out of her hand. “No burrito for you!” he yells, forgetting to add, “One year!” He tells her she has a lunch date…with Wilhelmina! Betty gives him a funny look and is once again gullible enough to go. Betty? Find the word “No” in your vocabulary. Perhaps you can check it out at the library while looking for a permanent one.

DENIED!

At lunch, Willie says, “Look at us, two women of color out for a fancy lunch.” Yes, the Obama-Bahama tan is doing you both justice. “Isn’t this fun…girlfriend?” Did they teach that phrase in finishing school? “And that blouse is heaven,” Willie says, and you know the vomit is just at the back of her throat. “Where did you get it?” Probably the Jackson Pollack resale shop.

“No you don’t,” Betty finally says.

“No, I don’t, it’s hideous,” Willie says. “Like driving through Ohio.” Funny, we Ohioans say that about Indiana. Mostly because it’s more true there. “Let’s cut to the chase, Betty, I need you.” See, this is where Betty should excuse herself to go to the restroom, and sneak out the bathroom window like most of my first dates do. It’s just less embarrassing that way. Willie gives her this crap about Daniel’s files and how Marc can’t make heads or tails of them, and I’m thinking the first thing she did when she was back at Mode was erase any trace of Daniel and Betty, including spraying the place non-stop with Febreeze.

Willie finally out and out offers Betty a job working for her, which is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Betty should know after everything she’s been through, and Christina’s been through, that Willie is just plain evil. I mean, I love her, but I would never turn my back on her unless I had just stolen her Manolos and had to get away quickly. Betty does not want to leave Daniel and she doesn’t trust Willie. “I would never ask you to do anything wrong, ugly, or morally suspect. That’s what I have Marc for.” And he does it so well. “Don’t throw your career away at Player.” Well, she’s got you there.

At Chez Suarez, they are making dinner and discussing the small raise Betty would receive if she went to the dark side. Betty, when it comes to money, we all live on the dark side. Betty doesn’t want to sell out Daniel to pay her rent. Justin, in a pink v-neck t-shirt (ew!) and gold cross begs her to go back to Mode because, “Player gets me nothing.” There has been a dearth of good swag in the Suarez casa lately.

Hilda then hits up Betty for a Player magazine signed by a sports team for the school auction. Because nothing says raising money more than a magazine that degrades women signed by the athletes who cheat on them. Whatever happened to bake sales? By the way, Betty has an enormous butterfly belt on and orange socks with heels. Aye-yay-yay! Betty, you are modelling yourself after Claire Meade. Is that the sober Claire or inebriated? Because really?

Seriously, what the hell is going on with her outfit?

Betty says she felt like she was cheating on Daniel by talking to Wilhelmina. Hilda freaks because of her own cheatin’ ways. Betty says she needs to talk to Daniel before it gets back to him…which you know it will via Wilhelmina…

…when she meets Daniel in the elevator. Daniel goes ape-shit on Betty when she gets to the office. Betty says she’s not happy at Player but Daniel says he is. She decides to take the job with Wilhelmina, and does so wearing a tragic, tragic tunic/jumper/bandage that puts the focus on her left boob. What the hell? What normal person would wear that?

Blue boob! Blue boob! Blue boob!

Walking through the halls of Mode (which seemed to have warmed back up from last week’s chill), Christina and Betty are talking about keeping an eye on Wilhelmina. Well, it’s worked so far…not at all! They hug while Wilhelmina and Marc watch. “Christina must have a doughnut in her pocket,” Marc quips. I’d be hugging her too if that were the case. Hope it’s a Boston Cream!

Marc welcomes Mode’s new employee by offering her a mimosa but then rescinding it saying if Betty gets the filing right he won’t beat her with a bag of oranges. I find potatoes work much better, Marc. Not as much give in the skins. “Don’t eat or drink anything he gives you,” Christina warns. She should have warned her about that hot pink patent-leather eight-inch belt. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Back at Player, Daniel finds out his son’s grandparents have filed for custody for DJ in France. Now that puts a little hitch in the immigration papers. I’m surprised they didn’t fly to New York to collect him immediately after that completely unsupervised field trip. Nice going, crappy French teachers.

His lawyer/stripper (seriously, doesn’t she seem like dippy eye candy and not someone who should be advising him on legal matters?) says he should probably find out what DJ wants before getting into a huge custody battle that could last years. She leaves and I notice Daniel’s office looks like a page out of IKEA. Unnecessary plastic objects are perfect for this economy. Dejected, Daniel walks out to where Betty used to sit, and looks at the coffee cup she left behind. It’s a picture of her making a thumb’s up. I would have left that too!

Crabby: Stripper or lawyer?
Daniel: Can’t she be both?

Betty is bringing a cappuccino to Wilhelmina during an important meeting with an advertiser while Marc preps her on what to do/not to do. He says to stay invisible which is going to be hard to do in that outfit. Seems like Willie should have sent Betty for some grooming and personal shopping before bringing her aboard, but the waxing itself may have taken too long.

Wilhelmina is trying to get the advertiser to buy more ad space (which, again, would she be working on this or would the AD SALES team be working on it?) but the advertiser, in a wonderfully 60s avocado green sparkly ensemble complete with turban is not interested. They’ve had no “uptick” in sales after advertising over the past two years. Then she steals Willie’s coffee right off the saucer Betty is holding.

I’m going to have to face it, I’m addicted to love.

Betty tries to escape but the advertiser asks if Betty uses her cosmetics. Betty hems and haws then says no. She says she can’t afford them, to which Marc interjects, “I do! I’d rather starve than go without your night cream.” Which probably costs the same amount as feeding a small village somewhere we don’t care about.

The advertiser says they are coming out with a budget line, but she doubts the Del Rios budget customers are looking through the pages of Mode. Betty says that her sister keeps Mode at her salon – I’m sorry, her “salon,” and that all the women talk about Mode all day long. You know, the two women that show up to Hilda’s salon by accident each month. Wilhelmina and the advertiser are all excited about the deal that Betty just helped closed.

Betty is all excited about how she helped Wilhelmina although Marc says Willie needs no help. “She totally smiled at me,” Betty says and Marc counters, “That wasn’t smiling, she was showing her teeth!” Just like all of my family photos! GRRRR!

“Betty!” Wilhelmina yells. “In my office. Now.” Then she flashes her Orbitz smile/teeth, including the sparkling white “ding” that goes along with stuff like that. I wish I had one of those.

Orbitz for your dirty, dirty soul?

Betty goes in and begins to apologize to Wilhelmina, but instead of yelling at her, Willie gives her a list of things she needs for the launch party. Perfume, bee pollen, cleansing milk, and the tiara Catherine the Great wore to her wedding to Peter the Third. By the end of the day. You know what? Still better than working at Player.

Daniel is out playing ball with DJ, because no one works in the city let alone Queens, Hilda. Daniel wants to talk with DJ about things, which should be fun considering they don’t speak the same language. This is even less interesting than Hilda and Coach. Why can’t Daniel and Hilda get together and raise Justin and DJ together? That way the writers can combine the boring parts.

Is that a vulture behind them? Must be waiting for Daniel’s parenting
skills to perish. Not long now, my carrion-eating friend.

Christina is helping Betty pick up the bee milk perfume when she gets a call from Stuart. You know, the one she’s carrying the baby for to make enough money for an experimental treatment for some unknown disease he has. Ah, telenovelas, you complete me.

Ugly Betty or Wacko Betty? Hard to tell from those tights et al.

Christina says she thinks Stuart is doing drugs again. I thought he was an alcoholic? It’s like Intervention but no linear story-telling. She took some of his hair is and having it tested for drugs. And judging by the amount on the comb, he’s probably using Propecia, too.

Jesus, did you leave any on his head?

At the museum where they house Russian antiquities, Betty drools over the glass-encased tiara. She asks the security guard how she can rent it, mostly because security guards have that kind of info/power. She finally gets to a curator of sorts, who inexplicably begins crying when Betty asks for the tiara. Because the curator is the last of the tsars and it’s rightfully hers? That actually would be an awesome addition to the story, although one that really makes no sense.

Oh, please. This guy is keeping that tiara as safe as TSA keeps us at the airport.

Betty returns to the office with a litany of comments about her day – three stores for the bee pollen, the cleansing milk was $600 (is the milk coming from Angelina Jolie’s breasts for Christ’s sake?), and oh by the way, here’s the tiara with the two wiseguys behind me. Willie can’t believe it. I can’t believe we’re going to see Willie in a tiara! Score!

If she won’t wear it, I certainly will!

Turns out the crying curator just got dumped by her boyfriend for a thyroid condition – I know, the age-old story – and she just needed someone to sit with her for a little while and listen. “Let me get this straight,” Marc asks, Botox needle in hand, “You got the tiara by being nice to someone?” I hate when that happens. Marc calls it beginner’s luck. Willie wants Marc to take off his gloves because Betty will be Botoxing her from now on. Ouch! For all involved!

Hit bone? From this camera angle,
looks like we’ll be hitting silicone.

In Willie’s office, she tells Betty she “passed the test.” She tells Betty she thinks she may be “the one.” “You mean like Lord of the Rings?” Betty asks. Yes, and you are Froto.

Willie tells her there’s only been one other person who has been able to get that tiara – Wilhelmina herself! It was for Fey’s launch party all those years ago (wonder if she was wearing it when Amanda was conceived?). She decides she wants to groom Betty, “And Lord knows you need some grooming. You will be my protégé.” She gives Betty full control of her launch party. You know, with Betty’s ability to plan events on 24 hour notice, she should really consider her own event planning company in Vegas.

“After being my assistant, you’ll be able to write your own ticket in town. Who knows, you may be the next Wilhelmina Slater.” Clothes, hair and makeup, yes. Evil personality? No. Well, not so much…no, wait…I’d be evil for that skin! Sign up, Betty!

Marc is crushed. Betty tries to apologize saying she really needs his help for this launch party that is only 27 hours away. Can he help her find a life-sized, anatomically-correct, black vodka ice sculpture of “you know who.” Are those available? I feel like getting married just to get one. And I’m sure that can be ordered, created, and delivered in the next 27 hours.

Marc goes crying to Amanda who sings him a lullaby, “Hush little homo, don’t you cry, mama’s gonna steal you a Prada tie,” just as Coach shows up at the office. Because he has a lot of free time on his hands what with gym class being only one period and all. Both Amanda and Marc are smitten.

“I’m looking for Betty Suarez,” Coach says. Amanda knocks Marc off her lap and says, “I’m Betty Suarez.” Marc knocks her out of the way and says, “I’m Betty Suarez.” Wasn’t this a game show back in the 70s? I don’t know from personal experience, someone told me. Someone old. Ahem.

Dumping your friends for a new boyfriend.
So typical. Of you both.

Coach has stopped by to get his signed copy of smut while Amanda and Marc try to feel him up. She brings it back and Marc looks at the cover and groans. Coach says, “Did you see that Superbowl?” and Marc answers, “If I say yes will you take your shirt off?” Heh. And, will you? Cheater?

When Coach is gone, Amanda says she needs his phone number because aw shucks, he left his phone. A lesser recapper would think he did this on purpose to hook up with Amanda later, but I think it was an “honest” mistake – Amanda pick-pocketed it. Amanda says the pictures of him kissing that slutty stewardess really “dull her tingle.” Ew. Betty grabs the phone saying Hilda isn’t slutty, until she sees the total and complete WASP Coach is kissing. She has huge boobs, too, I just noticed that when I put it on pause. At least Coach is consistent. And? Oops, who’s going to tell Hilda?

Huge WASP boobs. At least Coach is consistent.

Hilda is at Betty’s house eating while I notice Betty’s tights look like lizard skin. Did she take like 50 different pieces of clothing, put them in a blender, then throw them on today? Note to self: Get Betty a mirror as a house warming gift. And a pair of industrial tweezers. Hilda jokes about Coach being sexually harassed at Mode, then asks for his cell phone back.

Betty has to tell Hilda about the other woman. Except the other woman is Hilda, so what a Three’s Company scene of hilarity is surely about to ensue! She shows Hilda and asks if she’s okay. Of course she is, other women don’t have feelings. Hilda looks at the pictures, closes the phone, and says, “It’s his wife.”

“They’re separated?” Betty asks, hopeful.

“It’s complicated,” Hilda says. No, it’s really not. You are dating a married man, he’s a lying, untrustworthy ass who is leading you on and you are a fool and kind of a ‘ho for doing it knowing full well what the situation is. See? Not complicated at all.

“You’re dating a married man?” Betty asks.

“See? This why I don’t tell you things. Because you judge.” Well, she actually just stated the facts. Betty is horrified Hilda knew about this and continued with the relationship.

“This can only end badly,” she says.

“Who says it’s going to end?” Hilda asks. Uh, history? Reality? Take your pick, Hilda. Of course Hilda gets ticked at Betty and refuses to walk away from the relationship because she’s in love with him. She leaves.

Daniel and Claire are at some hoity-toity French prep school for DJ’s first day of school. Claire is proud of Daniel for being a natural father. He’s having a hard time deciding what to do because he’s afraid if he asks DJ what he wants to do, he won’t get the answer he wants. Yes, it would be sad to get rid of the Frenchman.

Back at Mode, some morons decide to deliver the Wilhelmina ice sculpture (lifelike!) to the office in the morning. Good thinking, dumbasses. Hope nobody licks it and gets their tongue stuck!

If you did this with Willie’s sculpture, it would be a Nipple Dog Dare.

Marc and Amanda are screwing around with the balloons and Betty tries to talk them down off their helium high. They answer back in Mickey Mouse voices and it’s pretty hilarious as helium often is. She bitches to them (like they care) that she’s been up all night working on this and has a million things to do.

The balloons are actually filled with spray paint fumes.

“A million and one,” Marc says, handing her a huge bag of mail. “Wilhelmina wants this all shredded and turned into confetti for the party.” Marc makes some snide comments about Betty’s loyalty or lack thereof, and hits the nail on the head when he says, “You and Wilhelmina are a lot more alike than you know.” That’s gotta hurt.

Wow, I have eyes!

Betty starts to imagine herself as Willie, straight hair and eyebrows groomed (she has eyes!). She sees herself getting Botoxed, she yells at people, fires people, has Daniel removed via security, then turns around and sees an adorable little puppy that she heads over to kick. “Not the puppy!” She screams as she comes out of her trance.

The wind up and the pitch!

As Willie’s assistant, Betty should delegate the shredding out to someone like a lowly intern, but luckily she doesn’t. She realizes they are all letters to Mode for Daniel. Dun-dun-dunnnn.

Back in Queens, Hilda is getting ready for sex by dressing in an all-leopard, all-night sheath. Skanky! Justin exchanges out the zebra purse with a metallic blue one. Oy. And Justin’s shirt is oversized and sleeveless. Ick. They tell Hilda she deserves this happiness. Well, she deserves what she gets.

There is so much more wrong here than just her tacky handbag.

Back at Player, Betty piles on all the mail from Santa Claus onto Daniel’s desk. Yes, Virginia, there is a Daniel Meade! People love Daniel! They love his covers! They love his work! Betty tries to get Daniel to come back to Mode but he says Wilhelmina won, he lost. It’s over. Is that an attitude of a playa? Come on Daniel! Buck up!

Does no one subscribing to Mode use email? Way to go green, Mode

Christina is in the Mode closet yelling at Stuart. Meh. He looks terrible, give him a Dior tie and send him on his way. She’s saying he used her and that he just wanted the money to buy drugs. Was she already paid for the baby, because I think it’s still cooking. Or maybe it’s 50% up front, 50% on delivery? I bet the legal contract is more interesting than this story line.

Christina tells Stuart she had his hair tested and it came back positive for Oxycontin and heroin. “It’s like Rush Limbaugh fornicated with Amy Winehouse and they spawned you.” Wow, cheap shots all around. I’m not saying it’s not true, or funny, but cheap nonetheless. Drinks on me, writers.

It shows not only do you have the syph, your library books are way overdue!

Stuart is pissed she had him tested, which most druggies would be. He says she doesn’t understand and grabs her, but she wiggles away and threatens to call immigration. Seems like she might be in a little bit of trouble for sort of hiding him all these months, huh? Go ahead and call, lassie, nothing like threatening a junkie.

Back at Player, DJ is thrilled he made it to the next level of Guitar Hero or whatever nonsense you kids play these days. Daniel decides now is the perfect time to ask him if he wants to stay in New York, or go live with his grandparents in France. DJ wants to stay with Daniel in New York. Phew, what a relief. And, possession is 9/10, 1 cup, or 3 tablespoons of the law.

Over at Mode‘s re-launch party, held in the offices (boring!), the camera pans over a horrific ice sculpture of Willie. It’s so much warmer than she is in person. She tells Betty what a great job she’s done with the party. “You’re not wearing the tiara,” Betty says. She’s such a dunce sometimes.

Betty hands her a letter – her two weeks notice. Good timing, this couldn’t have waited until the morning? “I thought I could work for you but I can’t. I do want to be successful, just not by hurting people.” Betty, you live in New York, isn’t being hurtful the state motto?

Betty, I think I’d like to go back to
having Marc do my collagen injections.

“I really misjudged you, Betty. Under those gaping pores and caveman eyebrows, I thought you were smart,” Wilhelmina says. Well, someone was bound to point that all out. “History is written by those who win.” Oh, crap, what if the Republicans win? Hope they have one of those memory-erasers like they did in Men in Black!

Claire, in a bright red dress compared to all the black and white surrounding her, says, “Betty, why don’t you stay? This party is about to become very interesting.” And you know when Claire says that, she means it. I wish she’d go back to drinking, she was even more fun then. Claire turns around so we can see Alexis and Daniel walking into the party – and Daniel’s not wearing a track suit!

Over at “real date central,” we see Hilda waiting at a restaurant with no Coach. Sort of looks like she’s a prostitute in that dress; I’m surprised the management hasn’t asked her to leave or enlisted the help of the police in asking her to leave. Yikes. She calls Coach and he’s all like “Hey, Bobby, sorry I didn’t follow up with you today, I have a family thing.” Hilda realizes the wife is still in town. Coach is benched for the evening. Imagine that.

You know every woman in that restaurant has
called Hilda a ‘ho. Wear it proudly, Hilda.

Back at the Mode party, Wilhelmina says, “If this is about a bunch of ridiculous letters,” but is cut off by Alexis. “This isn’t about the letters. I’m not happy with the magazine.” Oh my GOD, it’s been ONE MONTH. How unhappy can you be? “I think your cover is cold.” Because it’s of ice? Wow. Deep.

Actually, I thought the cover was fine,
but the growth on my chest says otherwise.

“I had a specific vision and I didn’t expect you to understand,” Wilhelmina says. Who says something like that to their supervisor? Damn. Balls. And big ones! Were those on the ice sculpture too?

“I guess it was lost on a few other people too….your first day sales numbers…” Daniel taunts. Way to be mature. Claire finishes his sentence, “…were not good.” This issue of Mode had the lowest sales out of any other issue before. Oh, please. They say that each month. So, although Alexis likes Wilhelmina as a creative director, she’s putting Daniel back as editor. Alexis really is a bonehead manager. Pick one situation and stick with it!

And next month, guest editor Sarah Palin!
Alexis loves maverick editors!

Alexis announces to everyone that Daniel is back as editor. Everyone claps because they know this time next month, Alexis will be making ME editor. It’s just how she rolls. Like Wilhelmina’s eyes.

Believe it or not, Willie, I do feel your pain!

Marc saddles up next to Betty and she says, “You left those letters for me, didn’t you? You planned this whole thing so I’d be back with Daniel and you could have Wilhelmina all to yourself.”

“Don’t be absurd. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Wilhelmina’s interests…unless they’re hurting mine.” It’s like he’s speaking Parseltongue, I swear to God. Marc, j’adore you.

Wilhelmina says, “Don’t forget I still own one-third of this company.”

“Your unborn child owns a third of this company, not you,” Claire corrects. Where was she last season? “You would be nothing without that baby.”

“But don’t worry, you’re still our creative director,” Alexis says, which is odd since she doesn’t like the creative direction the magazine took in the last 30 days. I’m giving her a big ‘ole doyeeeee.

“I’m more than happy to have you come work for me,” Daniel smarts. Don’t be a tool, that makes you like her.

“You can’t push me aside,” Wilhelmina says.

“Oh really?” Claire asks. She reaches over and pushes the ice sculpture to the floor where is smashes into many, many angry ice cubes. And probably two balls.

Claire has freakish upper body strength.

“You are going to regret this,” Wilhelmina says.

“Don’t you ever threaten my children, Wilhelmina!” Oh, fight! Fight! Come on! “You have no idea the length I will go to protect them.” Me-ow!

Wilhelmina storms out and Daniel goes up to Betty to apologize and thank her for having faith in him YET AGAIN. He wants her to come back and she hits him up for the raise Wilhelmina gave her. She should hit him up for even more since she just saved his sorry ass, YET AGAIN.

Dios mio – I’m falling and I won’t be able to get up!

Christina is waiting at the elevator and it’s not working, so she decides to take the stairs – dun-dun-dunnnnn…the music gets spooky, she looks behind her, it’s a scary stairwell….and out of nowhere hands push her down the flight of stairs…she lands at the bottom, motionless!

No, really, I’m okay!

And thanks to the magic of the DVR, I slow-motioned the episode and those are definitely man hands pushing her. I’m not saying Claire hired someone, I’m saying the hands aren’t hers. They were too manly for Marc’s hands, so I’m pretty sure they are Stuart’s. I guess they could belong to Alexis – no amount of surgery can fix man hands, right? And I’ve said it before, me loves me some telenovela drama. Now we’re cooking!

Next week, everyone is under the spotlight for the crime – and Betty’s arrested. Leave it to the ugly girl to get arrested for attempted murder. It didn’t take long, but we’re back in the Ugly Betty groove…be sure to use seat covers!