Ugly Betty: Pure, Unadulterated, Telenovela Bliss!

Dear Crabby: Can this show get any better in terms of reaching a telenovelas high this season?
-Couch Ass Groove

Dear Couch: Any better, and you’ll have to be writing to Dear Happy. And no one wants that!
-Crabby/Happy

Glad to see the Biore strips are working, Betty!

This was ONE SWEET episode of Ugly Betty that offered the telenovela viewer everything! I don’t smoke but could have used a cigarette after this one, it was so satisfying. When we last left Mode, Christina had fallen and was unable to get up. Let’s re-join the show already knee-deep in intrigue!

Betty is being interrogated by a better version of Coach (HOTT) and my first thought is, does the Meade Empire have ANY lawyers? Seems like we’ve had a few situations where they could have been useful, particularly now. And if Cops, Forensic Files, and my own personal history have taught me anything, lawyer up before answering any questions. Duh.

I’m like Coach, but with a real job.

The investigator asks Betty if she knows where Daniel was last night. At the party, gloating? “Do I know where Daniel was last night?” She finally stutters out. Perfect stall tactic, any policeman or person who watches Cops, Forensic Files, and has committed misdemeanors knows. Ahem. The editors take us back six hours earlier…to see that Betty is eating Cap’N Crisp cereal. Oh, sugary morning delights, do you ever quit? You do when Betty answers the phone and become so distracted she pours coffee over the cereal. What a waste of caffeine and sugar!

Papi has called to see if she has enough locks on the doors. Just like my own Papi! Paranoia masked by concern. Betty says she’s fine and safe, and realizes someone took her umbrella. That she left outside her apartment. In an umbrella stand she clearly placed there. Move to Des Moines if you are going to pursue that kind of risky behavior, damn.

I bet she smells like wet dog.

A soggy Betty gets to the office (“A big improvement!” Amanda notices) and she greets Daniel and DJ who apparently is skipping school that day. Betty offers to go on a “dry cleaning” run for Daniel since he’s off the track-suit track. Betty should hire that kind of crap out. Daniel throws her a very dusty rain coat. What was he rolling in, cement mix? AT THE BOTTOM OF SOME STAIRS? He also tells her he was supposed to get his mother home last night but stepped out…he wants Betty to say that they were up late packing up at Player magazine. “I thought that was the simplest explanation,” he says. Sounds like someone got lucky!

The devil wears Prada…ties. And he’s a bit of a dick.

They are interrupted with Marc making a huge announcement that Wilhelmina Slater is in the hospital. This exudes a round of gasps I wouldn’t have expected from the crowd. I would’ve thought snickers and cheers would have been the sounds of choice. He tells them that Christina fell down the stairs and is unconscious, but that (thank goodness), “Baby and Wilhelmina are fine.” Well phew!

“Marc! What about Christina!?” Betty blurts out.

“I’m sure that she’s…you know what? I didn’t ask.” Oh, Marc, you are my favorite.

Betty flees to the hospital through a wind tunnel because she’s dry and somewhat presentable. Christina’s head is wrapped up and her arm is in a sling, and between the wide-open door and windows, she has no privacy. Good times. “Christina, are you alright?” Betty asks. Clearly she is not, Betty! Christina says she doesn’t remember much, except that someone pushed her.

Wow, that looks…expensive.

On TV, Suzuki St. Pierre reports on the Baby Mama Drama with the “Meade-Slater Baby Crisis” story. Well, more interesting than the “AIG-WAMU Money Crisis” story, and much better dressed people. St. Pierre wonders did she fall, or could she have been pushed by one of the Meades, or more importantly, one of Wilhelmina’s “frienemies.” The best part of that is they show Martha Stewart. Heh. You know who else would have been awesome to show as a frienemy? Paula Deen.

Watch it or she’ll cut you with her Wustöf knife that she bought at Sur La Table!

Wilhelmina, wrapped up like a chic Mother Theresa, is shown giving a press conference. “I will not rest until the person who threatened the life of my unborn child,” she passionately begins as Marc leans over and whispers something to her, then continues nonchalantly, “and others…is brought to justice.” She offers $100,000 to anyone with information.

Hard to look somber when you’re the lead singer of the Miami Sound Machine!

Wilhelmina is thrilled with this publicity because it takes the heat off the terrible sales of the recent Mode issue. By the way, she’s wearing a yellow skirt, tangerine blazer, hot pink scarf, and black bustier. It’s like she suddenly moved to Boca. Marc reminds her that her baby, “and others,” are in the hospital. Wilile realizes this is the perfect PR opportunity – she wants vigils at the hospital with their Scottish “rent-a-womb” and press releases to focus on the real victim – Willie!

Betty welcomes the detective to Mode and he asks her to answer some questions. And here we are, wondering where Daniel was after the party. So Betty completely rats him out and says that Daniel asked her to tell a story about where he was last night. Great assistant, Daniel. Detective answers his phone and tells the person on the other end of the line he has a “promising lead.” Oh, those Meades, in and out of jail all the time! It’s like it’s genetic.

Betty is at Chez Suarez for dinner and to tell them how she ratted out her boss. Papi says, “If he’s innocent, he should be able to prove it.” Good one, Papi, maybe Daniel can search for the real Christina-pusher on the golf course with O.J. As she leaves, Betty has an awkward run-in with non-working Hilda at the front door.

Hilda says she knows Betty is still mad at her and Betty does a great job qualifying her feelings. “I’m not mad, I’m just surprised. I never thought you were the kind of person to do something like this,” she says. Oh, ouch! And? Good for you, Betty, that’s what I would have said too.

My own sister, the neighborhood skank!

Hilda gives her this whole thing about how the relationship is “complicated,” yes, it usually is with three people in it, and oh-by-the-way could she have a key to Betty’s apartment for secret rendezvous? She and Coach need to meet and “talk.” As if! Betty gives her a key…does she keep extra ones on her key chain, or did she just give Hilda her own key?

Back at Mode the next day, Amanda is begging the hot detective to handcuff her before interrogating Daniel. Betty overhears and goes running to Daniel to tell him she “accidentally” ratted him out. The detective comes in while Daniel and Betty are freaking out and asks about Daniel’s totally “fly” (I’m guessing that what Daniel calls them) sneakers. “Their one of a kind,” Daniel says, saying the maker “Molded the soles for me and everything.” Way to throw yourself under the bus!

“Fancy,” detective says. “Size 11?” he asks. Well, Oprah wears an 11. And I bet she hates Wilhelmina! Unless Gayle is her rock-solid alibi, I’m thinking it was her!

What do I have to do, draw you a picture? Fine. Here’s one!

The detective arrests Daniel. The sole prints match the ones found in the stairwell. Dun-dun-dunnnn. Although, couldn’t those shoes be worn by anyone with size 11 feet or smaller? I’m just saying, it could have been Marc or Papi, even. “Betty,” Daniel says, “call my lawyer.” Finally! “And take a look in the mirror!” Okay, he doesn’t say that, but what is going on with all the patterns on Betty?

“$200,000 bail, that almost seems cheap!” Claire says. Really? Let me send you my mortgage, Claire. They are rushing to their limo with the stalkerazzi close behind. Betty jumps out of the car letting Daniel in as Claire and Alexis turn to the reporters to say they have nothing to say. Uh, you just did say something. And it really should have been about Betty’s horrible shoes/sock combo. No socks with heels, Betty.

At the hospital, Christina wakes up with Wilhelmina kindly looking over her. What the hell? Then the flashbulbs go off and we see Willie is using this as a PR opportunity. Damn, she’s good. I’m sure Mount Sinai would have better security. Christina is pissed that she’s being used as some kind of prop, and Willie says it’s just hormones. And a conscience!

If I only had a fan to blow my hair around like a Versace ad!

“You just need some water!” she says, running out to get the nurse to give her surrogate some water. “Hasn’t she suffered enough!” She screams at the press. She grabs a nurse and in true Terms of Endearment form, screams, “SOMEONE JUST GIVE HER THE WATER!”

GIVE HER THE SHOT!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Back in the limo, Betty can’t stop picking at the scab. “Daniel, you did ask me to lie about where you were last night.” Oh, shut up. All good assistants cover for their bosses. Unfortunately, Daniel continues to be elusive. Rightfully so, Betty has something growing from her right breast and I think it’s a sea anemone.

She needs a recommendation to a dermatological mammographer!

Over at the Suarez brothel a.k.a. Betty’s apartment, Coach and Hilda are once again shirking their responsibilities as tax-paying citizens of the U.S. and instead of working are canoodling over wine and a Jesus candle. A Jesus candle is watching you break commandment number…well, one of the first 10, that I know. You know, freedom of speech, freedom to carry concealed weapons, something about the press, and adultery. I don’t remember what order they come in!

What would Jesus do? Probably judge you both pretty harshly.

He says he needs a shower because the NYC public school system doesn’t have running water. What? If that were the case, there would be no bathroom service and they wouldn’t be having classes, ergo (oh I said it) you wouldn’t be smelly from the gym class you didn’t have. Do I have to think of everything? She tells him he can take a shower at Betty’s because isn’t it awesome to have to clean someone else’s hair at the bottom of the drain?

Hilda goes to get ice cream while Tony lathers up in Betty’s middle-of-the room shower. This has hilarious mishap written all over it! Tony is in the shower and hears the door open. He decides to surprise Hilda by jumping out of the shower but instead surprises Papi who suddenly sees why Hilda has been so happy lately. Hilda arrives behind Papi. Oops! Papi stopped by to put more locks on Betty’s door. Not Schlage, QuikSet. Nice product placement, advertisers.

AWWWKWAAARD!

Tony reaches over for his pants and oops-a-daisy, out falls his wedding ring. Ew, ew, ew! Papi sees it and is totally pissed. “You’re married?” He asks. “It’s not what you think,” Hilda says. I think Papi thinks you are a tramp and your boyfriend is a total lying, immoral sack of mierda, so it sort of is what he thinks. Hilda really needs a hobby. She should try working, that can be quite a time-filler. Papi storms out.

Betty is talking to Christina about Daniel, saying he just wouldn’t do something like this. “It’s my fault he’s in this situation.” She actually is the best assistant ever, blaming herself for Daniel getting arrested! Betty is hoping there is something Christina forgot about or some piece of the puzzle missing that Christina could tell the police that could help Daniel…hmmmmm…what could it be?

Hey, where’s your loser husband? “There’s something I never got ’round to telling you about Stuart,” Christina says to Betty. “I saw him, on the day of the party. We fought.” Rut-roh.

“Oh my God, Christina, everyone is so fixated on who hates Wilhelmina, no one is thinking about who hates you,” Betty says. Ha! Awesome. “That came out wrong,” she adds. Don’t lose the funny, Betty! Only problem? Christina hasn’t told them about Stuart. Because it’s better to hide a drug user than an illegal immigrant? Is he illegal, or did he stop by with a visa? I’m just wondering with the deportation threat and all.

“Do you think Stuart could have done this to me?” Christina whines. Well, I’m torn. I don’t like Stuart and I want him to go away, yet it will be more exciting if it was a Meade who did this. Or even Wilhelmina herself, for the publicity. How big are her Manolos? If they match her balls, those may have been her feet in those hideous bling-y shoes. Betty convinces her to tell the police. I think.

Leaving Christina’s room we are forced yet again to see Betty’s fetish with ankle socks. Wardrobe crew, please, for the love of Christ, knock that off. Especially when you pair it with neutral colored Mary Janes. So freakin’ ugly! Even Betty would know better, and she’s UGLY. It’s in the title!

Betty rounds the corner and sees something worse than her footwear ensemble – Stuart! He looks like he hasn’t slept in days, but it’s probably just the meth. Who would have called him? “I heard Christina was in the hospital, I had to come see if she was okay.” Seriously, who would have called this guy? She asks him what size shoe he wears and he spits out he’s a size 14 (ahem) and that the kids used to tease him and call him Bigfoot. I bet the girls didn’t. Also, how did he know the American sizing system so fast? I’ve been to Europe a few times and never remember my size in their numbering system. Damn, he’s edumacated.

Stuart is insulted that Betty thinks he’s the one who pushed her down the stairs. Betty says, “She gave up a lot for you and now you’re doing drugs again.” Stuart’s justification? He’s in pain! The treatment she paid for didn’t work and he’s dying, so he needs drugs to ease the pain. Oh, pu-lease. Every junkie uses that excuse. Betty says Christina deserves to know he’s dying. Yes, just so she can see carrying this demon seed did not pay off. Kick her while she’s down.

I heard the click of your hooker heels, that’s how.

Hilda sneaks back in Chez Suarez, but since no one works or goes to school, my guess is she is going to get caught by someone. And Papi it is! “This didn’t work in high school, why would it work now?” She dated a married man in high school? Oh, wait, Papi means the sneaking in. Guess Papi wasn’t working then, either. They start fighting in Spanish and the scene turns into a real telenovelas being watched by a security guard at Meade Publications.

Time for the Mode Squad: Marc, Betty, and Amanda.

Betty asks the guard for the security tapes from the other night. “You want the security tapes too?” He asks. Unfortunately, the tapes have already been taken (which we could suspect by the “too” in his sentence that Betty totally missed). The tapes were taken after Christina was pushed down the stairs! He told the same thing to the police and “that little blonde girl.” Great security, guys.

Little blonde girl? Amanda said she asked for the tapes because she wanted the reward money to cover her major credit card debt, a result of her love of “nice things.” I hear ya, sister. Amanda said she heard a scream and peeked around the corner to see Marc yelling at Wilhelmina, who was sitting in her chair. He leans over and slaps her. What the hell? They immediately go to Marc to get the story on that.

Marc could make a fortune selling tickets to do this!

He opens a closet to show a Wilhelmina mannequin she had made for dress fittings. It is totally waxy and creepy. So lifelike! When Marc is angry at Willie, he pulls the mannequin out and yells and smacks it. I know there is a dirty joke in there, but I’m going to let it go. Anyway, that would be a great stress reliever, wouldn’t it? He says he apologized to it later. “I know it’s not real, but it still scares me.” Amen.

Makes you wet yourself a little, doesn’t it?

However, once he was done shouting at Wilhelmannequin, he decided to leave and when getting on the elevator, he shoved Christina out of the way so she wouldn’t take up the other half of the elevator. Pregnant women are huge, you know.

I see nothing wrong with this picture.

But before the elevator doors closed, Marc saw Claire heading toward Christina drunk, angry, and yelling about “that thing” she was carrying. Claire, it’s a Dooney & Burke handbag, I don’t – oh, you mean the baby. Claire falls on her as the doors shut. That was the last Marc saw of either of them that night.

Who wouldn’t push a pregnant woman out of the way
to avoid The Claire That Ate New York?

So we went from Daniel with the gym shoe in the stairwell to Claire in the lobby with the martini glass. I love Clue! They all head over to Claire’s office/cube/hallway.

“If I had done it, I certainly wouldn’t let my son take the blame,” she says. Good point. Girlfriend does do her time when necessary. They do a flashback to Claire pushing over ice-sculpture Willie. Claire slipped up and took a drink to take the edge off. “I can’t have just one drink,” she says. Ah, the old Claire is back! Drink up. We see footage of her heading towards Christina only to fall on her and spill her drink. Christina takes her into the bathroom to help her sit down. Alexis was in the bathroom and takes over for Christina, who heads out.

Who at Mode hasn’t had this job
at one time or another?

Over to Alexis, and the Mode Squad is questioning her. Alexis says she was dealing with her own problems that evening…chin hair! Oh, yes, she used to be a man, right. She had forgotten to take her estrogen (that day? Does it happen that fast? Well, something to look forward to as we slide into menopause). For the love of God, grab a pair of tweezers and be done with it.

Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin, dammit to hell!

That’s when she saw Christina come in with her mother, but claims she didn’t even take notice of Christina, she was too focused on her drunk mother. “The rest of the night was trying to hail a taxi and keep my mother from getting sick all over my brand new Donna Karan.” She should have just had her get sick ON Donna Karan. She looks like a bag lady anyway.

“Attacked by Racoon” is soooo 2003.

Marc admits that after talking to everyone, it seems like Daniel did it. Betty says she knows Daniel is innocent and Marc says, “Maybe Wilhelmina can help us prove it?” They decide for some odd reason to throw the Wilhelmannequin down the stairs. Seems like she may miss that when it’s time for the next cape fitting, but okay. Marc throws it down the stairs with a little too much gusto, and all it does is break into pieces like peanut brittle. Which I could totally go for right now.

Marc and Amanda realize they can’t re-enact the crime with such skinny mannequin, they should throw Betty instead since she’s more like a pregnant woman. Betty hangs on to both of them and they all fall down the stairs together. Ouch, it’s like 20 stairs. They land at the bottom and are covered with the same dust that was on Daniel’s raincoat!

WEEEEEEEE! I regret nothing!

Back at the hospital, Wilhelmina tells Christina that she’s setting up an interview with Barbara Walters, but stops when she realizes Christina is crying. Christina tells Wilhelmina that Stuart’s treatment didn’t work and he’s dying. She’d like to be alone. I think Stuart’s “experimental treatment” was done with placebos so Christina could use the money on her vampire eyelashes!

Gives new meaning to “bat your eyelashes” when they look like fangs of a vampire!

Betty is in Daniel’s office fretting over the newly dry-cleaned rain coat, and sees a videotape in Daniel’s briefcase. She takes it home to watch it with Papi thinking it’s a tape of Daniel pushing Christina, but luckily it’s a tape of Daniel having sex with someone on the photocopier. Ah, office parties, you never fail me! Daniel just wanted to add this to the collection.

This is so unsanitary. Do you know how
many people use that copier each day?

Back at the office (my, she does flit between Queens and Manhattan a lot during one day), she confronts Daniel. Turns out I was right last week, his lawyer is a stripper! Well, sort of…he had sex with the immigration lawyer who is trying to get him custody of DJ. He didn’t want the police to know because he didn’t want the custody put in jeopardy. I don’t think the police really care, do they? They just want to know he didn’t try to kill Christina, my guess is this could be filed under “immunity.” Doyee. He has the worst lawyers ever.

Betty is relieved this was just one of Daniel’s sleazy affairs and not a tape of him trying to kill Christina. Daniel has to leave to pick DJ up from somewhere, and asks Betty to give the rain coat back to Alexis. She was wearing it the other night and it “looks better on her anyway.” And I bet she still has huge size 11 man feet unless they cut off her toes to fit in those Christian Louboutins! Stranger things have happened for fashion, kids.

“Alexis, I know you did it,” Betty says, confronting Alexis. Because what could be smarter than confronting an almost-murder who signs your paycheck? And how lame is that detective that he couldn’t figure it out. Should have put Gil Grissom on the CSI: Modecase, he usually figures things out in an hour unless it’s a 2-parter.

Initially Alexis says she had nothing to do with it, but then she folds like a cheap chair. In typical Scooby-Doo fashion, Alexis gives up the whole story. She was wearing the rain coat, she broke a heel and put on Daniels’s shoes (because she forgot about the Mode closet? Ah, they probably don’t carry size 11), got pissed when she saw Christina because she reminded her of Wilhelmina, then followed Christina to the stairs and pushed her. But because she has a heart, after trying to kill her, she made sure she wasn’t dead, then she called 911. Wimp! A smarter woman would have kept denying it, then had Betty fired or killed. Isn’t that the fun of being rich, indiscriminately offing people? Besides the money, of course.

You push like a man!

Then she asks Betty what to do. Are you kidding me? You just spilled to an assistant who is the only other person who knows what you did. Push her down the stairs and walk away, just try to wear Amanda’s shoes this time. Two birds, one stone, etc., etc.

Montage time!

Back at the hospital, Christina wakes up to find her room filled with flowers, courtesy of…Wilhelmina?!? Cameras flash and Willie closes the curtains, just as the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes. Willie’s is still the same size, however. They smile at each other. Ick.

Back at Casa Suarez, Papi and Hilda hug and make up. She’s still a ho and they are still unemployed. Seriously, if Hilda were working, she probably wouldn’t get into so much trouble.

Back at Mode, Alexis does a totally dumbass thing and tells Daniel and Claire what happened. D’oh!

God, I am SO OVER being a part of this family!

Back at Betty’s, her umbrella is back with a note from Jesse. Meh.

Back at Mode, Daniel tells Betty they are negotiating the terms of Alexis’s surrender. Why not just go to the jail instead of making a spectacle of yourself at work?

“You think you know your own sister,” he says. Your sister used to be a man who faked his own death to spend two years undergoing a sex change and came back to crush you, love you, fire you, hire you, and now she’s being arrested for attempted murder and you are shocked? Interesting take on things.

Alexis has one more thing to tell her mother before heading off to the big house. She accidentally opened a piece of Daniel’s mail, “It was a paternity test. Daniel isn’t Daniel Junior’s father. I am.” SWEET! The handcuffs are clicked onto her wrists like the worst accessories ever. She mouths “I love you” to her mother and the elevator doors shut.

I’m a woman who’s my nephew’s father!

SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, this show is awesome this season. Next week…Gio returns and has a chip on his shoulder the size of a Roman coliseum. I wonder why? See you next week.