Ugly Betty: Back to the Future PluPerfect!

Our beloved Ugly Betty is back at her old desk helping out Daniel since Amanda quit to be a stylist – AS IF a Features Editor (ASSOCIATE Features Editor) would ever do that. Backwards is not the way to go, Betty. They’re called temps, look into it.

Is that a ring or is Betty’s absorbed twin re-emerging?

Betty asks Daniel to attend Hilda’s wedding with her as her plus-one since that is apparently the ONE NIGHT Betty is unable to get some tail. Daniel says he was supposed to see “Trista” on Saturday but he’ll cancel to hang out with Familia Suarez. Betty makes a face because she says Trista makes Daniel stupid. Stupider.

Is that Amanda’s vibrator in my snack drawer?

Amanda swoops in to steal office supplies and tells Marc she has her first client – Spencer Cannon, a soap opera star. He plays evil twins, like Marc and Amanda. They bump into Troy and Marc awkwardly and desperately says, “Nice pants, they really make your package pop.” Wow. Cliff, where are you?

Marc got dumped for Nerd? That HAS to hurt.

“Your ward’s here,” Amanda says, as Justin gets off the elevator. Does he ever attend school? He sits in the closet with Marc (ironic) until Marc finally asks if there is something Justin wants to tell him, you know, OUT LOUD. Justin says Bobby walked in on him kissing Austin and he’s afraid he’s going to tell. Marc is thrilled because Justin is Superbad and Supergay!

Marc tells Justin that Bobby is a really great guy so he won’t say anything, and Hilda is pretty cool. When Justin asks Marc about how he told his own mother, we find out it went Superwrong. He must be from upstate.

Betty is checking messages and guess who called back! Henry! He says he got her message about coming to Hilda’s wedding and good news! He’ll be in New York anyway, so he’d love to attend the wedding with her. Amanda reminds her that she drunk-dialed him while in London. Sucker!

Youuuu light up my liiife…

Over at Willie’s lair, she is packing up a ton of alcohol (don’t you think Tyler would question why an alcoholic would have liquor and martini glasses all over the house? He really is a Meade, isn’t he?) as Tyler says he’s going to Mode to demand he’s share of Meade Publications. If he really wanted something profitable, he should go after Hartley’s companies.

All work and no play makes Tyler a dull boy.
And in dire need of an intervention!

Willie offers some great advice. She says that being near the Meades cost him his sobriety (get in line) and that the shares will only further tie him to their nonsense. He asks if he can sell them and Willie thinks…think, Willie, think! Hey, she’d be happy to take the shares off his hands, you know, as a friend and a sponsor. And conniving bitch. “A few more shares doesn’t mean a thing to me,” she says. Tyler sneaks a drink from a bottle he’s hiding…tsk, tsk!

Betty is trying to uninvite Daniel because of her drunk-dial-invite of Henry and says he should understand, he drunk dials her constantly. “Betty, I don’t have my house keys, Betty, I can’t find my phone, Betty, is my hair thinning?” she imitates Daniel. That does sound like him.

Betty is on the phone leaving a message for Hilda when she bumps into British Publisher Lindsey Dunn. He’s in New York to see Betty! What did I tell you? He says he thinks Betty has the right voice for a new magazine he’s starting. “Sort of a younger persons New Yorker,” he says, which must have irked the elderly over at The New Yorker. Eh, the show airs at 10pm, they’ve been in bed for hours already.

He says he doesn’t want her to contribute to the magazine, he wants her to help him run it. He must have read her blog and been impressed by her flashing her ex-boyfriend with her Mayan ta-tas. That’s how I usually get my jobs. “In London,” he says. Oh my God, try to negotiate for Paris instead, but definitely go!

Betty is telling Hilda all of her news and Hilda pisses that if Betty upstages her at the wedding, she’ll stab her in the heart. Betty says calm down, she’s not taking the job, it’s less money and in London. Wait, what? He wants you to move to a city more expensive than New York to do a job bigger than your current one, but he’s paying you less? F#ck that noise.

Still cute, but I hate the accessory he’s carrying.

And here comes Henry! With his kid? Are you kidding me? Oh, man, nothing ruins a good man more than his bastard child being dragged along for every spare minute he might have for you. Meh. At least it’s not still in diapers. I don’t think.

Amanda is in The Closet helping soap star Spencer look at clothes and they are comparing notes on how much they love to shop. This guy is a total flamer so he’s a perfect fit for her fag-hag-ness. Turns out they not only hate salmon as a color, but all fish colors. A match made in heaven! She decides to set him up with Marc. Two queens do not make a pair in real life; only one can be a diva so this is sooo not going to work.

Hope they like matching DNA!

Betty is in my nightmare scenario, talking to a cute guy with a stupid kid on her lap AT WORK. Henry says he’s not surprised she got offered the job, her work is amazing including her blog that he’s been reading. So he knows about the Mayan ta-tas a-flashin’ then?

If he needs his diaper changed, you can do it back in Tucson.

Betty apologizes for her message and Henry’s face falls. She’s glad he’s there but she was nervous that he took it the wrong way. He says he’s in New York because he has a job interview in the accounting department of a huge law firm. I guess because there aren’t any other accountants in the tri-state area what with zero unemployment. Makes sense to relo someone from Arizona. Also, if you had a job interview, why did you bring the kid? Who is going to watch him while you’re in the Pursuit of Happyness? Dumbass.

Betty, Henry, and Daniel bump into each other in the hallway and Henry tells Daniel about the job interview before taking off. Daniel asks Betty what is going on and he tells Betty he doesn’t want to see her get hurt. Betty says, no worries, home fries, it’s all good. Daniel disagrees.

Back at Casa In the Closet, Hilda asks Justin what tux he wants to wear for the wedding and Justin says she can decide. Clearly something is off. He leaves and Hilda wonders what’s up. Bobby is a little too defensive in saying everything is fine and Hilda’s like Bobby, thy name is not subtlety.

Bobby says he promised he wouldn’t tell Hilda what the issue is an she assumes it’s drugs. Bobby says it’s not drugs and Hilda says she can’t think of any reason Justin would be spending so much time with Austin…he’s sneaking off with Austin or he’s up in the room with the door closed – ah, there it is. Hilda gets it. “You didn’t hear it from me,” Bobby says. Well, she kind of did.

Wait for it…wait for it…oh no, a fly just went into her mouth.

Claire is in her office rubbing her head since it’s easier than producing a magazine about hot flashes when Tyler walks in. She’s relieved but he’s pissed about how she lied to him. She says she wants to talk to him about it but not while he’s Drunky McDrunkerson and she wants to get him help.

I coulda had an abortion! I mean a V-8!

Tyler says the only thing he wants from her is shares of Meade and Claire doesn’t believe him. He also decides he wants the crystal paperweight on her desk to be hurled through her cabinet’s glass doors. It almost breaks a picture of Daniel. He says he wants the shares or he’s going to Hartley which he knows is the last thing Claire wants. Do a Google search, you may prefer Cal’s stock over the Claire’s. Plus, that half brother is smarter.

The next morning Betty meets Henry for breakfast and he brings his kid, saying there was a change in plans. Of leaving him at the hotel? Henry pulls out a picture of the two of them from years ago (Betty was much hairier) and they have a nice moment.

Klassy.

Which is completely ruined by the fact that they are dining with a kid. The kid keeps acting up and finally some lady, my New York doppelganger, finally tells Betty to control her kid. Betty snaps back, “He’s not my kid!” and I was like amen to THAT, sister! Betty actually sounded relieved, like no kid of hers would act like that.

Henry gets a funny look on his face because you know, it IS his monster/kid. Betty says she didn’t mean it like it sounded but you know what? She totally and completely did.

He tells her he really liked her blog on the female guard at Buckingham Palace. She begins to tell him how inspired she was, but he’s a parent and he stops listening to take care of the crying, pooping shackle around his ankle and she trails off. He apologizes, says he was listening and Betty’s like, yeah, whatevs, I have a life to lead, c-ya!

Yeah, that ticking is my Cartier, not my biological clock.
Excuse me while I go lead a life while I still have one!

On the way out of the restaurant, her phone rings and Hilda says to meet at Betty’s apartment at 1pm. Justin has a boyfriend! And what, they are going to let them use Betty’s place for snuggling?

Back at Mode, Daniel surveys the damage to the cabinet and says Tyler has a pretty good arm. Yeah, too bad that crystal paperweight wasn’t aimed at your head for starting this whole mess.

Claire says Tyler isn’t in his right mind. I know, he’s in the mind of Jack Daniels. Daniel reminds her that she’s only known him for a few weeks and “Even Wilhelmina saw this coming.” He tells Claire that Willie said it would come to money and now here we are. “Which is why I offered him a check when we were at the club.” Poor, stupid Daniel.

Claire points out that offering Tyler money and taking advice from Wilhelmina is kinda dumb, but Daniel says not when Willie’s right. Think about what you just said. But he can’t because Mensa member Trista is calling.

Meanwhile, out of the closet, Marc gets an email from Papi that they are having a coming out party for Justin at Betty’s at 1pm. Okay, just because the Suarez/Tellercio families don’t seem to ever work doesn’t mean everyone else is sitting on their ass. How do they expect people to just drop everything they are doing to attend a coming out party? Marc is horrified, more at the party than their lack of any kind of grasp on reality.

Did the Village People explode at Betty’s apartment?

At Betty’s we see the entire family hanging gayness all over the place – rainbow everything, disco ball, music, you name it. Hilda says it’s one of the most important things that will ever happen to Justin and she wants to make sure he knows they are okay with it. Well, in some ways I think what they are doing is good, but in others, it’s going to look like Bobby squealed like a stuck pig. He should go back to work.

“When he gets here we’re all going to shout, ‘We know you’re gay and that’s okay,’” Papi says with Hilda joining in. They high-five. Well, all things considered, they are being a very cool family. Betty shakes her head in horror. Seriously, where did they get all the money for the gay party when they are busy paying for a wedding? Also, Hilda looks like a whore. Unless that’s where they got the money.

Marc comes running into the apartment and tells them to stop what they are doing. He tells them it’s up to Justin to make this decision to come out to them and they need to stop this party immediately. Bobby’s like, thank God, and I’m thinking if Marc is the voice of reason, we are doomed.

“If Justin is going to have long and meaningful relationships, it’s important for him to have the acceptance of the family,” Papi says. Aww, too bad Marc didn’t get the same. Marc says Justin will come out when he’s ready and they should never mention this ever in the history of the world.

Besides, they are starring in the new show, Gossip Glee!

Now we’re talking! It’s a photo shoot near a pool which can only mean one thing. FIGHT! Willie is overseeing the shoot while wearing a bald eagle (where is she getting those things?). Claire walks in and says she doesn’t know how or where, but she knows Willie got to Tyler. “This has your stink all over it,” she says. Yeah, bird stink.

Is it wrong I’m disappointed they aren’t in mud? Or Jell-O?

They trade insults and begin ripping each other’s clothes. They fall into the pool and fight Dynasty-style. Willie screams the Claire attacked her and Claire tells Willie to stay away from her son. Like that’s the first time Willie’s heard that from a woman. I wish the fight would have gone on longer, like Peter and the chicken on Family Guy. I could watch that all day.

Back at the Mode offices, Henry tells Betty he’s not getting the job because his boss gave him a bad recommendation. Really? No – turns out Daniel did. Because he supervised Henry how now? And how is Henry’s job really any of Daniel’s business? And does Daniel have an attorney? Because Henry will be getting shares of Meade WAY BEFORE Tyler will with this fake career-ending non-recommendation. Maybe Trista makes Daniel look smart…

Daniel says he did it to protect Betty from moving backwards. Betty’s like, dude, our bromance is totally over. Betty tells Daniel to stay out of her personal life and she’ll stay out of his. She storms out and it’s too bad she didn’t slam the door.

Back at Willie’s condo, Willie catches Tyler going through her things looking for alcohol. He’s upset because he thinks Claire won’t give him anything and Willie’s like calm the hell down, farmer Ted. She says he needs to have patience but he’s a mean drunk and wants his ba-ba now. Also, she looks like a wet rat from the pool fight.

No, I said Cal-gon not Cal-GLOCK.

She storms past him and Tyler opens a desk drawer to find a gun. It’s not even locked up. Come on, Willie, either lock it or keep it bedside, but don’t just leave it out for someone to play with, duh.

Daniel is having a conversation with Trista and she says their meeting was a real “Blessing in the skies.” ‘Nuff said.

Pick or scratch? Pick. And she probably reached her brain.

Betty is at home looking through the London apartment ads and at the picture of her and Henry. Henry stops by, says he got the job because Daniel must have called back with a good rec. Or the attorneys did. Either way, he’s coming back to New York! I think I may still be on Team Gio.

Henry sees Betty is looking at London apartments and he asks if she wants to take the job. Uh, bug off, Mr. Arizona raising your baby mama’s baby. He asks her why she IS letting such a good job go. He says he shouldn’t be the reason she turns it down. Don’t worry, you won’t be.

Betty says with the family it’s just not the right time but then Henry says it’s not the right time for them either. Betty agrees. They both said what they had was great but it was three years ago and things have really changed. Then he says, “I have a wet rice cake in my pocket.” This is why I don’t like kids or insta-families. They ruin everything with stickiness.

Can you feel the hot passion? Yeah, neither can they.

At the Astoria World Manor, Betty and Hilda get out of a limo (who the hell is paying for all of this, the Meades?). Hilda is very fluffy in feathers. “This is the happiest day of my life,” she says, “now let’s do this bitch.” Betty is wearing the same color bridesmaid dress that I had to wear the one time I acquiesced to being in a wedding.

Hilda, however, has chosen white. Ahem.

Betty bumps into Daniel at the entrance and thanks him for giving Henry the good recommendation. Daniel says he’s glad Henry is staying and he’ll apologize to him in person. Betty says he’s not coming, Daniel was right, she was moving backwards. She says he knows her well and Daniel says she knows him well and I get a creepy feeling about where this is going.

She looks beautiful but I can’t help feeling
like there is just one too many things going on here.

Hilda walks down the aisle and WHO PAID FOR THIS? There are flowers everywhere and those are not cheap. Hilda and Bobby “I do” to a musical montage of everyone looking happy and poignant. Aww.

Is that a 5 o’clock shadow on Bobby’s face – BOBBY!
LOOK OUT! THERE’S A PRIEST BEHIND YOU!
PROTECT YOUR ASS!

Justin and Austin are looking awkward together and Marc has to continue running interference. Sadly, he’s doing it with a bouffant hairstyle I haven’t seen since Strictly Ballroom. It’s very jarring. Checking in with Justin, Marc says Austin seems nice. Justin says he hates having a secret. Trust me, it ain’t a secret. Marc says it will be a relief when the secret is out but it’s still up to Justin as to the timing of it.

Can you help me get my hair out of this chandelier above me?

Amanda introduces Marc to Spencer and tries to make them kiss. They aren’t Barbies. Awwwwkward.

Hilda makes a toast and says, “I am so freakin’ happy,” and boy does that sound trashy. Where are Bobby’s parents? They must be Goodfella-ing somewhere.

Hilda talks about when she knew she loved Bobby and we see Daniel looking at Betty and it’s really, really, really starting to creep me out.

Bauw-chicka-bauw-bauw…wait a minute! Gross!

Then Hilda says, “I knew Bobby loved me when he said he would throw himself under a bus for me.” Because why now? How would that ever come up? Why a bus? A school bus? An express to Manhattan bus? What an odd thing to say to show your love. The weirdest thing? Everyone “Awwws.” Klassy!

Then she says, “When you know someone better than they do, when you would do anything to protect that person, that’s love,” and once again we see Daniel looking thoughtful and then he steals a glance at Betty. Ohmygodmaketheinsanitystop! She’s like your sister!

Back at Willie’s, she is pissed, but it serves her right for partnering with an angry drunk. Other than Claire. She’s leaving a third message for Tyler and says even Dick Cheney returns her calls after one message. Wow, she does know Dick. Then she sees it…the box with the gun…which is now empty. Say it ain’t so! Should have locked it up with the necklace Nico tried to steal.

That’s odd. Tyler never steals a second gun in South Dakota…

Back at the wedding Hilda and Bobby are having their first dance and Betty looks wistful. Justin sits down next to her and says she’s been quiet. He’s one to talk. She says she’s thinking about the future and she says sometimes it’s hard to know when to take that next step. Justin says someone told him when it’s time to take the step, “You’ll just know.” Betty looks at him and tells him that he has nothing to be afraid of. Unless he moves to the Midwest, then he’ll need to learn how to run fast.

Daniel walks up and says, “May I throw you around the floor a little?” I hope he’s talking to Betty. Also, I hope he’s not that clumsy in bed, but you know he is.

Again I ask: WHO THE HELL PAID FOR THIS?!?!?!

Justin looks at his entire family up dancing with their respective partners and he asks Austin to dance. Well, I know your family is okay, but what about the rest of the guests? Hispanic family = Catholics = little to no tolerance of the gays. Or Jews. Or women. Or the truth. Or history. So, good luck with that move, boys!

Harry Potter and His Chamber of Dirty, Naughty Secrets.

Betty looks at her family and tells Daniel she feels like she needs to take care of everyone, but look at them. Daniel says it feels good to see everything right in the world. Stop staring at her like that!

So, you’ve hit everything in the tri-state area
and now realize Betty is the ONLY ass you HAVEN’T tapped?

Hilda tells Marc he’s a really good person, then she kisses him and takes off. Spencer, comes by with a glass of champagne. Marc tells him look, you are going to pursue me, I’ll take advantage of that, and that’s kind of his pattern. He needs to figure things out so thanks but no thanks. He wants to find a real relationship.

Spencer stands up and says he needs to take the tag out of his shirt – Amanda left the tag on in case they wanted to return the shirt. When he stands up and takes his shirt out – there it is! A tattoo of Tweety Bird! The one that Amanda’s father was rumored to have! Spencer is Amanda’s daddy!

And Marc either really needs to see or really wants in Spencer’s pants.

Betty is on the phone and accepts the offer in London. Less money for more work! Way to negotiate!

Besides all of these accessories, I’m not sure if I’ll fit in
that well in London with my straight teeth!

Back at Mode, Willie is trying to tell Claire Tyler is dangerous and Tyler says, “She’s right!” He’s drunk and armed, just like a Texan! He whines about her finding him and he’s crying like a little bitch. He points the gun at her and says he doesn’t want anything from her. Then why are you here?

Jesus, Tyler, this isn’t the Sioux City 7-Eleven.

She says if she could change what she did, she would, but she can’t. He cries and points the gun at her. Seriously, what is that going to solve? Willie steps out of character and stands in front of Claire. She says she made him confused and she apologizes. She asks for the gun and tells him she will try to make things right. “Claire loves you, and somewhere you know that,” she says.

Willie goes to take the gun and it goes off – we see Willie’s face looking surprised, but like I mentioned in the About Last Night, I’m pretty sure he just shot her dress or a buckle off her Jimmy Choos. Willie ain’t going down that easy thatswhatshesaid.

This is vintage Yves Saint Laurent, you ass!

Next week is it! The series finale! Betty’s heading to London, Daniel says he can’t live without her (dream sequence, I hope), and loose ends are tied up. Although I don’t see Willie in the preview…or Tyler! Dun-dun-dunnn oh you know they are both okay. See you next week!