Ugly Betty: Betty Goes Rogue! Within Her Comfort Zone!

On this falsely advertised as Betty-goes-bad-girl episode of Ugly Betty, we’re begin our day at Casa de Nobody Works during breakfast. Betty comes into the dining room as Hilda woo-oohs that Betty got home late – at 10:30pm. I have to admit, I’m usually in bed before then, so it does sound late. Betty says some editors wanted to go out so she went with them. No wonder they called it an early night.

Wow. Fleshy.

Betty exclaims, “I got a tattoo” and shows them a smudged heart that reads “Hot Stu.” Well, maybe he is. She says she must have “sweated it off” at the club. Ew and as if. Papi says thank goodness it’s fake, otherwise Betty’s mother would have killed him which is hilarious because she’s been dead for years!

Papi says it’s not like Betty to go out on a work night but Betty says if Matt’s moving on, she should too. “It’s time for me to get back on the market,” she says. In three seasons, her market has been like the Quickie Mart! Papi recommends the guy who does the bookkeeping for Archie. When you use the terms “guy” and “bookkeeping,” you know you have a winner, just like the Mystery Date dud!

Hilda gives him the heave-ho. “When he gets nervous he does this sniffing thing. I don’t think Betty wants a sniffer.” I know, sounds like something you’d see on Intervention. Just then Justin pops into the kitchen and asks if Marc said when the cheerleading uniforms would be ready. Because why now?

“He said he’ll bring them over on his way to work,” she said. Because Queens is between Manhattan and Manhattan? “Thank God,” Justin says. “Those hems have not been brought up since 2003, they might as well be cheering in burqas.” Yes, just like woman who have to live under sheets their whole lives. Great comparison.

Papi is wondering what the hell Justin is doing ponying up to the cheerleaders and my question is why has it taken this long? Turns out Marc recommended that Justin become friends with the popular/mean girls if he wants to make it through high school. Then Justin says they need help decorating for homecoming. Music stops, looks are exchanged, all you hear is a heartbeat as Betty looks at Hilda and Hilda stares back angrily. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

The look that kills sperm.

“Why do I feel like I should be hearing scary music?” Justin asks. Papi explains that Hilda doesn’t have the best association with Homecoming. Because her boobs gave new meaning to “senior class float”? Turns out the year Hilda was nominated for homecoming queen, Papi didn’t let her go because she was six months pregnant. Papi says he was protecting her and Hilda says he was ashamed. I’m going with the combo platter on this one.

For some reason, Betty and Hilda are walking by Justin’s school later that morning because they must be living on their lottery winnings, and Hilda tells Betty she could have been queen there. “I could have ruled all of this,” she says, talking about the campus…? Yes, that is quite a territory.

Suddenly, Hilda gasps. “Is that Bobby Talercio?” Turns out Hilda used to date Bobby and he was quite the bad boy/reputation saver. One time someone called Hilda a whore (shocking, I know), and he smashed the guy’s head against the wall and made the guy apologize to Hilda. I bet it was a heartfelt apology.

Bobby is standing next to a student driver car when he sees Hilda. They embrace and kiss and yadda yadda. He looks at Betty and says, “Don’t tell me this is little Chipmunk?” That was their nickname for Betty? I would have come up with a better one. How about Yeti Betty. That one still works now. Nerd? Dorkasaurus? Teacher’s Pet? Apple Polisher? Hairy Bo-Bairy Betty? The list is endless, but Chipmunk? That just makes her sound…squeaky.

If a guy does this to you, he ain’t bending you
over the seat of a Buick.

He says he can’t stay to talk, he’s got a lesson. Turns out his family owns a car dealership and he volunteers to teach driver’s ed to help advertise the cars. Betty says she used to have a crush on him and Hilda’s like no shit. Hilda says if it weren’t for Betty hanging around them so much when they were dating, Bobby would have been Justin’s father. I bet he had gay sperm too! All the tough guys do.

Betty says she had always wished she could have gone out with him and Hilda laughs her ass off. She tells Betty there’s no way she could date a guy like Bobby because he’s a bad boy and Betty’s a good girl. Betty says she might surprise Hilda and Hilda says, “Please…Bobby smokes.” Yeah, Betty’d be out.

Cheerleading outfits are in! Marc is helping Justin pass them out as Justin tells some girl that if the skirt didn’t hit her in the right place, it could make her size 0 legs look chunky. He is SO becoming the editor of Mode when he grows up. Cheerleader says Justin “saved her life.”

Suddenly a dumbass kid goes by and asks Justin where his skirt is and Justin ignores him. Marc’s like, “Let’s discuss.” He tells Justin to get ahead of the jokes and make fun of himself so those “lumps of boys” have nowhere to take the joke. “When he asks where your skirt is, tell him it’s at the cleaner’s with your opera cape.” Hmm. Not sure I’m on board with that joke, although I see where Marc is going.

Marc asks Cheerleader if there is anything else Justin can do for them. She says they need some routines and Marc volunteers Justin to help them. “He has the moves of a young, Mexican Beyonce,” Marc says. Justin freaks but come on! You know you can do it Justin! You tried out for a New York musical.

Seriously, they should move to Massachusetts and make it legal.
Or can they now? I can’t keep up.

Justin is worried because his moves were more junior high-related and this is homecoming, “the Broadway” of high school. No worries! Shocking as this may be, Marc was a cheerleader in college and he knows a few moves. Problem solved!

At the office – yes, Betty FINALLY makes it to work – Betty says, “So this water is from the Community of the Phoenix?” Uh, what? Oh, it’s the cult that Daniel’s about to join. Is Harry Potter their leader? No, wait – that’s the Order of the Phoenix. Must be the British version of the cult. Anyhoodle…

Daniel, wearing a large, wooden bead necklace, says the water is full of vitamins and the cups have inspirational sayings on them. If they were a green organization, you’d be using your own cups, but maybe they think once you throw the cup away it rises from the recycling bin of ashes into another paper cup! Betty reads, “If it’s a mess, it’s a message.” Man, my kitchen must really need to talk!

Talk about cleansing! They removed all signs of heterosexuality!

Daniel says that “the community” has really changed his life. Natalie has him on a raw food and Phoenix water diet, he’s more energized, and he’s happy. Betty thinks he needs more than that. “You want half of my muffin?” she asks. Wow, when she said she was back on the market, she meant it!

Daniel says once you cleanse yourself of toxins, you have so much clarity. Plus, you have to pee a lot and he excuses himself. TMI, Daniel. Claire walks by and asks Betty if she should be worried about Daniel. Ya think? First his wife dies then he sees you kissing Hartley? You should be worried about me, too, Claire!

Matt gives Betty her assignment for the “fearless” issue and it consists of horoscopes and cosmetics of the month. I don’t even know where to begin in telling Matt that he’s barking up the wrong astrologist. He tells her that once all the editors picked what they wanted to do, the only piece left was a POV piece – a personal story of fearlessness, and he gave it to someone who wasn’t afraid of her shadow, mostly because she doesn’t cast one – Meeeeeeeegan.

Matt calls Betty cautious and she’s all like, no I’m not, look, no bangs, which I think proves Matt’s point completely. He tells her to give him some pitches and something more dangerous than turning a story in without proofing. Come on, Marc, no one gets Mode for the articles, they get it for them purty pictures of waifs.

“I do not appreciate blackmail calls in the middle of a workday!” screams Wilhelmina. True, those are best kept to late evening, like telemarketers. “You will have the money when I get the money,” she says.

Willie tells Marc to get on the phone and call Vogue, Elle, and Bazzar to tell them she is available for modeling. Why would competing magazines use her as a model, especially Elle? This made no sense. She says she’s willing to do a cover. Oh, I’m sure those magazines will want you now.

Marc delicately tries to tell Willie that she’s of a certain age and they probably won’t use her, and she finally says they do wonders with airbrushing. You know who she should consider selling her story to is Us or People. They would pay tons for the rights to a full-out tell-all story about Willie’s last couple of years, I bet. That would make more sense.

Daniel, still wearing his beads and drinking Phoenix water, is accosted by Betty asking him if he thinks she’s fearless. “Well, no bangs, right?” he says. She says she wants people to think of her as fearless and drinking from the Phoenix well, she says, “How?” Daniel turns her cup towards her and the quote reads, “Do the thing you never do.” Yeah, like wax.

Back over in Queens, Betty sees Bobby putting a “Student Driver” sign on a car. She calls his name and he says, “What’s up Chipmunk?” Sexy! Betty says, “It’s not Chipmunk, anymore, it’s Betty.” Well at least we got that cleared up! “And this bad girl wants to date you.” Uh. What?

But wait! She’s still standing on the sidewalk because that last scene only happened on TV. Oh, phew. Betty hustles across the street, trips and falls and Bobby catches her. Smooooth. She tells him she wants to ask him something. Chickening out, she asked if he could teach her how to drive. Doesn’t she know how to drive? “Is that all you wanted? You seem a little nervous,” he says.

Wait…is he from Menudo? You kids and your music these days.

She says, “Well, I also wanted this,” and she shoves him against the car and tears her shirt off. Betty, even Hilda would know better than that! But once again we are faked out. Wah-waaaah.

Walking into the Casa de Food Stamps, Marc and Justin are all excited about that morning’s cheerleading practice. “Honestly,” Marc says, “It was though he was born to yell at girls.” I worked for someone like that once! Hilda and Papi applaud them and I’m wondering why Hilda is dressed like a sexless librarian.

That thought is interrupted by Justin and Marc doing a routine together and I think that Marc may want to start playing with someone his own age. “That move put me on the map in college,” Marc says. I’ll bet. Justin is going to homecoming the next day and Hilda says, “Maybe this time I’ll get to go,” and she and Papi start that whole shame/protection argument again.

Synchronized bullfighting ain’t going to make you more popular,
except maybe with Hemingway.

Marc looks at Justin and tells them he will be fine, because if anyone at school gives him crap, deep down he should know he’s smarter and funnier. “It’s just the truth,” he says. Awww. Marc’s a great dad.

Hilda is in the hallway and I have to ask, what is up with them having that huge rack of clothes in their living room all the time? At first I thought it was for Hilda’s customers, but the rack is always full of clothes despite the fact that Hilda HAS NO CUSTOMERS. Do they not have a closet or basement or perhaps they could use the vestibule between their door and porch? I mean, help me out here people!

Hilda bitches that she thought being the girlfriend of the politician would be glamorous. Ah, apparently she’s going somewhere with snoozefest Archie, that’s why she dressed like a celibate monk. Or is that redundant? Papi is staring out the window and tells Hilda it’s not Archie honking out front. Hilda looks and says, “What is Bobby Telercio doing here?”

Running down the stairs, Betty says Bobby’s here to teach her how to drive. Hilda reminds her she already knows how to drive and Betty says she’s learning how to drive stick. As a standard transmission girl myself, I applaud her for eschewing the automatic transmission. It only makes you lazy!

“Automatics are safer, mija,” Papi says. Oh, blow me! You can control the car much better when you have a stick shift and I did not spend 10 years in Chicago zig-zagging out of traffic with an automatic. Besides, you’re Mexican, the only thing you should be worried about is getting your horn to play “La Cucaracha!” Oh, I said it! Do not besmirch the name of the stick shift, Papi!

Betty says she’s going to use it for her fearless article and Hilda says, “All the teachers in Queens and you pick Bobby?” Wouldn’t you? He’s a total bad-boy hottie. Much better than my tobacco-chewing driver’s ed teacher. In one class (not mine), this teacher spit out his tobacco but the window was actually closed. Bobby wouldn’t do that.

Papi doesn’t like Bobby because he’s a thug. “I’m sure he’s the one who stole our baby Jesus.” Well, maybe at the time Hilda just had Justin he thought there were too many babies at your house. Betty tells Hilda Archie is also outside, and Hilda looks outside, sees Hot Bobby leaning against a hot car smiling, then looks over and sees Archie in what I believe is a dream-sucking Taurus. Worst rental cars ever and I had no idea people bought those for their real lives.

Say hello to your boyfriend and goodbye to your orgasm! Ironic, isn’t it?

Willie’s on the phone with Marc thrilled that he’s been able to secure her a cover. For which magazine, you ask? We cut over to Willie sitting in a chair as Claire says, “Hot Flash would be thrilled to have you on our cover.” Marc should be fired! He should have known better than to even pitch this to Willie. For shame!

Claire says that when she heard Willie was interested, she did a mock-up of the cover. She shoves it towards Willie and it’s a picture of her all gray and wrinkly. Do they really have so much time on their hands that they can use what I only imagine to be a pretty lean staff to make up fake magazine covers? No wonder this company is broke.

No wonder it’s an insert, who the hell would pay for this?

Willie says if she does do this (Why? WHY would you even consider it?) she wants final approval on all photos and her “usual fee.” Yikes! Claire says the fee is $500 and a liter of diet ginger ale. Really? Ginger ale? Claire says she ought to take it because where else is Willie going to find a magazine that will put “women of our age on the cover.”

Willie gasps. “How can you even suggest we’re near the same age?” she spats. Claire’s like take it or leave it, beyotch. Oh, and Hot Flash is just an insert (is it? To what? Please don’t tell me Mode, that would be the first thing I threw out after all the excess mail-in cards that come with every magazine). “So you might have staples in your face…OH! But you’ve had that before,” Claire finishes. Oh, like you haven’t, Claire?

Back in Queens, Betty is learning to drive while on company time. How do I get her job? “So this is for an article?” Bobby asks. Doubtful. Betty, do you have the other half of your muffin to offer Bobby since Daniel wasn’t interested? Bobby says he can’t believe she’s grown up and a big shot at Mode when he still thinks of her in footie pajamas. Yeah, this ain’t going anywhere no matter how hard Betty tries. Once a guy thinks of you in a footed sleeper, it’s over.

Then Betty awkwardly says she wears regular nightgowns now. Betty, read my last sentence. It ain’t happening! Betty starts telling him she’s traveled, had her own apartment (HAD), and boyfriends. Then she says she just got out of a relationship with a sex addict. She may have left that last part off, but it might have scored her points. “So I’m back on the market,” she says. Desperate!

She grinds the clutch – oh, Betty, say it ain’t so – and he helps her shift but putting his hand on hers and helping her shift. “You don’t want to grip it too hard, you want to gently ease it, guide it…where you want it to go.” Jesus, where are the NBC censors now?

Subtle, guys.

Betty smiles at Bobby then manages to hit someone in the street. He’s fine, just keep going. The walker says, “Watch what you’re doing dumbass!” and Betty says she’s sorry. Bobby tells her not to worry about it and that he’ll be right back. He gets out of the car as this guy calls Betty four eyes, grabs him, slams his head against Betty’s window and screams to this guy that he was jaywalking when there was a clearly marked crosswalk, and he was rude to Betty. The guy apologizes and Betty has to admit, she’s turned on. As am I!

Back at Mode, Daniel walks into the lobby still wearing his beads, and asks Amanda what she’s doing there on a Saturday. She says she’s not there because the last two out of four Saturdays Matt’s been there. Wow. Also, that dress is totally smashing her boobs. Ick. “But since you brought it up, do you see Matt and I as a couple?” I think it’s “Matt and me” but that never sounds right, does it?

Quadraboob strikes again!

Daniel explains to Amanda that she can’t force someone to have feelings for her. He says she tried that with him and instead, he kind of used her. “Thanks. I feel better,” she says. “And at least I’ll always have that cold sore.” And Molly will have hers throughout eternity.

Daniel says he’s not sure if it’s the herbs of the fact he hasn’t eaten in four days, but “I feel like I’m seeing you for the first time. I can see what’s missing in your life.” “Matt!” Amanda says. “Self-esteem,” Daniel tells her. He tells her she should attend the workshops Daniel is having Mode host this weekend for the Phoenix cult. “You mean the dead people thing?” Only if you drink the Kool-Aid!

Don’t open the door, Betty, it’s a trap!

Betty pulls to a stop in front of her house and Bobby tells her she did pretty well, only hitting one pedestrian. She asks if he has big plans that night and he says he’s just going to hang out at his uncle’s bar and that she should join. Done and done! Until Betty walks into the house and finds out that Hilda completely sold her out to Bookkeeping Guy, dun-dun-dunnnnn. BG sniffs loudly. Hott.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I just joined the other team.

So, at dinner that night, Betty almost drowns herself in her tortilla soup because BG is just that interesting in his discussion of a squirrel stealing his carrots. Betty looks at her phone and says she’s surprised at how late it is. Hilda’s like it’s 9pm what the hell? Betty says she wants to hit the hay, so she heads upstairs, stomps her feet on the stairs, grabs her jacket, and runs out the door. In her defense, she did have other plans. However, she should have just climbed out the window like Hilda probably always did.

She’s giving him a look that says they’ve been bitterly married for years,
and they’ve just met. He’s a keeper!

At Mode Natalie gets off the elevator in a terribly long and horizontally striped sweater as Amanda comes up behind Daniel and tells Natalie she’s doing the weekend with them. “I’m going to get cured or whatever,” she says. Phoenix Leader says, “Yes, Daniel brought a friend.” Great, now he’s recruiting for them!

Amanda says she’s loving the whole thing except for the beads because of the way they frame her “chesticals.” Then you should have reconsidered that dress. Natalie is more than pissed about Amanda joining and tells Leader, “I need him to get to level 5.” Oh sweet crap, is that Kool-Aid with vodka?

Back at Willie’s apartment, Not-Nico is screaming that they are running out of time and that they need to get the money. I’m riveted on Willie’s awesome loungewear and wish I had the chesticals to pull something like that off! But I do have the hand to hold her martini, so I’ll take what I can get. Willie tells her to chill.

Seriously, this caftan/martini ensemble rocks. I must get myself one.

“Why am I the only one freaking out?” Not-Nico asks. Willie says she took two of her “headache” pills which I’m guessing weren’t OTC. Willie says there is one other option she could consider for the money. Say it’s Connor! Say it’s Connor! “Then do it!” Not-Nico says.

Willie explains that it would mean giving up everything – her career, her life in New York, everything. Well, everything is kind of in the shitter right now, so maybe sexing it up with Connor on a remote beach might not be such a bad option, Willie! Not-Nico asks what it is, and Willie says it’s not what, it’s who. “Connor Owens.” YAY!

Back at Casa de Bad Girl, Betty sneaks into the house and Hilda flips on the light and asks how her night was. Betty says, uh, yeah, hello, I went out. Hilda’s like, “Yeah, I got that,” just as Bobby walks in the door to make sure Betty got in alright. “You look good, Hilda,” he says. She’s in a big robe with her hair tied back and she tries to act all modest. Bobby leaves.

For a split second, all of them consider a threesome.

Hilda gets all up in Betty’s business about blowing off Bookkeeping Guy to go out with Hott Bobby and Betty’s like well duh. Come on, you all ambushed her with a combo blind and double-date when she already had plans, so shove off a little.

Then Hilda says that Betty is not going to have fun with Hott Bobby, because “he is exactly the wrong kind of guy for you.” Betty wants to know what makes BG the right guy, “He’s boring and nerdy?” Well, kinda. Hilda says that BG has feelings and he heard her leave the house instead of really going upstairs. Well next time, he should ask the girl out on his own, try not springing a date on her where she cannot escape any more than your carrot-stealing squirrel thatswhatshesaid.

Betty does feel bad about hurting his feelings so Hilda says that since this guy is going to homecoming with them, Betty could go too. What is it about adults going back to high school for homecoming? Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than relive your high school days? Oy, people, pick up a hobby or start traveling. I find TV to be an excellent time-suck.

Back at the lair, Willie tells Not-Nico the whole Connor-stealing money story, which had she not been living under a rock she probably would have already known. Not-Nico asks how much money there was and Willie tells her enough to pay off the detective and for them to live very well for the rest of their lives. Not-Nico pees herself a little. She wants to know how they find him if he could be anywhere. She says he has to find her – so you know she has to do something very public for him to know.

Not-Nico asks if she could give up everything and Willie says she’s not sure. Not-Nico asks if Willie is still in love with Connor. Putting a hand on her mother’s, Not-Nico says, “Then you have to do this for yourself, not me.” Wow, she’s good. The student has become the master.

The next day, Claire shows up at Willie’s apartment and says she’s intrigued by Willie’s emergency meeting on a Sunday morning. Is that why she’s wearing a detective outfit for Virginia Slims circa 1981? Willie says she wanted to give Claire plenty of time to find her replacement. “I quit,” she says simply.

You’ve come a long way, baby.

Over in Queens, Betty pulls up the student driver car in front of her house bragging she didn’t stall once. Bobby calls her fearless about driving a stick shift, and I’m going to have to call bullshit on that, but let’s just roll with it. In the background, we can see Hilda, Archie, and BG coming out of the house. Betty sees them and sighs, saying she has a date with that guy.

“Which one?” Bobby asks. “The guy in the dad jeans,” she says. Oh my God, they are dad jeans, just like mom jeans only built for a man who’s lost HIS will to live. Bobby says it doesn’t seem like she wants to go and she said hells no she doesn’t, but he’s a nice guy. Bobby suggests blowing them off and fearless Betty peels out and down the street. Hilda’s pissed. And she looks like a hooker in that outfit. I’m sure if she just bent over and blew Bookkeeper, he’d be okay with the whole situation.

It’s like the Addams Family 2009.

Back at Mode Natalie is walking away from the conference table totally pissed and Amanda says, “Okay kids, it’s get real time. We just spent two hours with a fat chick telling us how to breathe.” Yeah, I’ve had yoga classes like that. I can breathe at home, honey.

“You just have to give it time, right Natalie?” Daniel asks. Natalie snaps back, “Maybe it’s just not for her and she goes home.” Amanda says it’s a good thing Natalie doesn’t work at the welcome table. Natalie snaps again saying they’ve wasted half the weekend and tells Daniel they have to get to level 5. Daniel says they can do it another time. Rut-roh! Kink in the plans!

“What’s level 5?” Amanda asks. “Is that where you touch each other’s junk and call it a massage? I want to do it.” Natalie yells, “NO IT’S NOT! Look, why is she even here?” Wow, the community is really stressing you out! “She’s not even in our energy group!” Natalie says as Amanda snorts and says, “Did you just really say that?” Natalie walks away.

Looks like she skipped level 5 and went right into DEFCON 1.

Daniel tells Amanda that they take this stuff very seriously. I surprised he didn’t tell her that she was being “glib.” Amanda says that’s what scares her. She says the vitamins and cleansing isn’t just giving him back breath, “it’s giving you bad judgment. Why can’t you see that all this is crap.” Wow, who knew she would be a cult interventionist!

She tells Daniel she knows he misses Molly and he says she has no idea what he’s been going through, and then he tells her to leave. Be sure to give back the beads.

Back in Queens, Betty and Bobby are enjoying a jumbo-sized slurpee as she says she can’t believe what she just did. Bobby says it sounded like that guy was all wrong for her and she says, duh, but everyone else thought he was perfect for her. He tells her not to let people put her in a box. He tells her she’s pretty and smart and she can date anyone she wants. Way to open Pandora’s box, Bobby!

Bobby tells her she needs to try his slurpee as Betty looks up and sees a cheerleader making a circle with her hand asking Betty if she’s with Bobby. Betty eyebrows back maybe. I love non-verbals. Betty sets her slurpee down on his car, leans forward and says, “Look Bobby, here’s how I see it.” Uh-oh. “You get me, I get you. Let’s make it work.” She takes a sip of his slurpee – my eyes! Dream sequence! Dream sequence!

Ice cream sex headache! Ice cream sex? Awesome!

It was a dream sequence and instead we see Betty get an ice cream – or in this case – slurpee headache. “Ow!” She says and Bobby suggests putting her tongue on the roof of her mouth. How about a variation of that, Bobby? Bobby laughs at her.

Bobby says it’s crazy seeing her after all these years and he says he can’t remember why he and Hilda broke up. “Oh, I know, I went to jail,” he said. They laugh because incarceration is funny.

He says he thinks about Hilda a lot, which, when coupled with footie nighties, is the double dance of death for Betty ever dating this guy. He asks if Hilda’s seeing anyone. Yeah, Councilman Boring. She tells Bobby she needs to get to homecoming, and I’m wondering why it’s on a Sunday afternoon. Odd.

Back at Mode, Daniel is sad but Leader comforts him. And look, Daniel did get her beads back. Leader says it’s hard to let go of the people holding us back. He tells him that it’s time for him to go to level 5. Daniel wants to know what that is. “It means you’re reunited with Molly.” This cannot be good. But would you kill off your followers? Nevermind, we all know the answer to that one.

“You mean in a spiritual, all-around me kind of way?” Daniel asks. “No, actually BE with her,” Leader says. “Feel her, touch her…” Okay, totally creepy, but that’s why they call them cults and not churches, right? Ahem.

Okay, but before I reach level 5, I want to renegotiate my marital contract
like Tom and Katie. How much will YOU give ME for getting pregnant?

Daniel says that all sounds crazy. Leader taunts him and says maybe you’re right, maybe Amanda’s right, and “you’re free to leave” which I believe is the cult motto, isn’t it? “But tonight, when you lay in bed, missing Molly, I hope you don’t regret giving up the possibility of seeing her again.” Take a Benadryl and it will be morning before you know it. Just ask every kid I’ve ever babysat for.

Homecoming! The bane of every high school students’ existence. Running up to the school Betty asks Papi if Bookkeeper was upset. Papi says he thinks the guy was actually relieved. “He was worried he wasn’t wearing enough layers.” Sexy. “Archie drove him home.” Good, they are both gone.

Papi says he’s outside because he needed a few minutes away from Hilda. Then why isn’t EVERYONE outside? Betty’s like, I know, the whole ashamed of her thing, then Papi gets pissed and needs time away from Betty. Have you considered Mexico?

At Willie’s lair, she is having a press conference (why would you voluntarily let the press into your nice home?). She says the fearless issue will be her last and she’s going to pursue other options. Sitting close to her mother is Not-Nico who is texting with Jonathon…”Is she really going to do it?” he writes and she writes back “Baby we’re gonna be rich!” Nice.

Willie! Watch out for the giant penis torpedo
aimed at your head!

Willie says the press has had a lot of fun at her expense. “You’ve called me the meaner Hitler, that I was completely bald and her wigs were made from orphan hair [Tibetan orphan hair, I bet], sleeping with everyone from Madonna to JFK, only one which is true.” Heh. She asks that they quote her exactly as she says so she can reach her loverboy…”Wilhelmina Slater is leaving to pursue other options.” That option? Connor Owens and his level 5 junk!

Back at homecoming, Bobby finds Betty in the hallway and tells her that he hears from some of the cheerleaders that the two of them are dating. Why is that bad boy hanging around cheerleaders? He asks if he should introduce Betty to his mother. She should say yes!

Betty instead goes all Betty and says that she didn’t say they were dating but she did not NOT say they were dating…and she probably is not NOT licking frogs, either. Bobby’s like, kids say stuff, don’t worry about it and asks when their next lesson is. She says she doesn’t want to do any more lessons because it wasn’t about the driving, she just wanted to hang out with him.

She fesses up that she wanted to be the kind of girl who could date a guy like him. She tells him that she had the biggest crush on him when she was a kid and he says he knows. If it hadn’t been for her, he would have been Justin’s dad. Poor Justin.

Betty tells him that all she ever wanted was to kiss him in the hallway the way he kissed all his other girlfriends. He looks around, they’re in a hallway, but Betty stupidly declines. Dumbass. The part ways, then Betty comes to her mismatched senses, runs up to him, and kisses him. There’s your fearlessness! “That was sweet,” he says, and reminds her not to let people put her in a box. Now they part ways satisfied.

I’m not going to lie, Adam Rodriguez is now an alternate on my List of 5.

Until Betty turns around and sees Hilda who gives her the stinkeye. Oops.

No, wait, that’s just how she looks.

Back at Mode cult central, Leader is telling Daniel and Natalie that the tea recipe he’s pouring them has powers to make them intermediaries between the real world and spiritual world. They’ll be zombies? They’ll have to run over to The New Yorker if they want any brains for dinner; you won’t find those anywhere at Mode. Natalie needs a squeeze of lemon in hers. That should make death more palatable. They drink! Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that they are going to sleep together pretending the other is their dead lover? Gross.

Something’s wrong with this Red Bull.

Hilda pisses at Betty to go kiss Bobby in the hallway. “I guess that’s who you are now,” she says. Betty says no, she’ll always be what Hilda wants her to be, “Your less attractive, less cool, geeky little sister. You don’t have to be jealous.” Oh no she didn’t. Hilda’s like what the hell? She tells Hilda that she may have kissed Bobby, but all he ever talks about is Hilda. Hilda looks at Betty and says she’s going to go inside the gym.

Marc comes up behind Betty and says, “I’m sensing tension between the sisters Suarez.” Is that the backup group for Sister Sledge? One of the cheerleaders comes out and Marc asks why she isn’t practicing then spews out all this cheerleader garble that only my nieces could understand.

“I feel bad about Justin,” Cheerleader says. “I really like him, it wasn’t my idea.” Uh oh! Something bad is going to happen in the gym? Everyone run, Carrie will kill you all, she’ll kill you all! But you all deserve it, so take your seats.

In the gym, they announce the homecoming king and everyone cheers. Betty runs to the row where Hilda, Justin, and Papi are sitting and she whispers something to Hilda. They all get up to go and Justin doesn’t know why. Betty says she’ll explain later and let’s get the hell out of Dodge right now.

“And this year’s homecoming queen…” says the punk-ass teenage announcer, and we all know where this is going, says, “Justin Suarez!” Now don’t they have a teacher or administrator advisor on the homecoming committee? Our school watched over us like hawks, so I can’t imagine something like this getting through the system without an adult putting a stop to it.

Justin turns around as everyone begins to laugh. “I’m going to sue this school,” Hilda says. Yes, they should probably get out their pocketbooks. Papi and Hilda try to get him to leave, but Justin walks up to the stage to cat-calls. Someone whistles. Stupid school.

Teenagers & Tiaras: Tinseltown Tragedy. Am I right?

Justin gets onstage and takes the tiara and flowers, and I am so please to announce that I have now been able to combine my two recaps, Toddlers & Tiaras and Ugly Betty! It’s now Ugly Toddlers & Tiaras. Justin says he’s thrilled to accept this award and that “nothing could ruin this day.” In the back, Marc smiles. “Even this tacky baby’s breath. I think you can do a little bit better for your queen.” I love baby’s breath no matter how much people joke about it!

“I’d say off with your heads, but for some of you that might not matter,” he jokes. People laugh. “As much as I hate giving up an accessory, there is someone who deserves this more than I do. My mom.” Awww. He says she’s an amazing person and should have gotten this 15 years ago (oh 15 years my ASS), but it was sort of his fault that she didn’t.

He continues to say she’s been with him every step of the way, which is pretty hard since he’s such a high maintenance kid. He’s got us there! “Thank you,” he says to her. Tears all around. Applause from the normal people. She takes the flowers. Take the tiara! TAKE THE TIARA, DUH! He puts the tiara on her head and all is right with the world.

Back at home, Hilda says that what Justin did took guts. Hilda says she loves Justin no matter who he is, so no matter what those kids are saying – but Justin cuts her off. “Mom, it’s a joke. I’m just playing along. I’m not gay.” WHAT THE HELL? He walks off. Marc looks at Hilda and says, “Then he’s not.” Hilda looks after Justin and we leave it there. Oh hell to the no did that just happen.

Later that night, Betty is in bed with a t-shirt on, not a big-girl nightgown like she told Bobby. LIAR! Hilda pops her head in and says she can’t sleep and Betty says she can’t either. Hilda pops in bed with her and the sisters have a nice talk. She says she’s pitching Hilda for her fearless feature. Enjoy having your article cut.

What a nice sisterly moment for the two of – Is that a Pottery Barn quilt?

Back at Mode on Monday morning, someone is telling Claire, “Given the situation, it’s going to be a lot harder to track the stolen money.” Oh no, did Daniel and his spiritual intermediaries steal from Mode too? They have the worst finance department! Is the password to every Mode bank account “PASSWORD”?

Willie says, “What’s going on?” and Claire says, “It’s about Connor Owens.” Oh no. “They found his body washed up on a beach in Panama. He’s dead.” Willie is stunned. “I’m so sorry, Wilhelmina.” Willie thanks Claire for telling her.

Willie walks into her office, closes the door and starts crying. I’m assuming she covers her face with her hand because the Botox doesn’t allow her to really show her forehead wrinkled with sadness. I do feel bad for her – she did love him and now she’s unemployed with a murderous daughter, just like everyone else.

I’m fabulous, but my life is a shambles! Crap!

HOWEVER…I’m guessing one of two things…Connor isn’t dead, he got Willie’s message and just did that to further cover his ass, or even better, he left all of his money to Wilhelmina and there’s going to be a new sheriff in town. The only thing now is for Willie to find out Not-Nico betrayed her…then she’ll be drinking the Kool-Aid with Daniel to drown her grief as well.

Looks like Betty’s off this week according to my DVR listings, so have a great Thanksgiving and see you in December!