Ugly Betty: Crocs or Clogs? Who Cares? They Both Suck!

“It appears Wilhelmina Slater has been struck blind by the fashion gods,” Suzuki St. Pierre says as we open this episode of Ugly Betty. And has she ever! We see her getting out of a cab wearing sweats, a ball cap, and multi-colored crocs. Sweet Jesus, kill me now, you can’t even see her cleavage or her wrinkle-less forehead! Has she had a breakdown? How can I have my girl crush on her when she looks like this?

Sasquatch or Wilhelmina Slater? You be the judge!

Suzuki calls the reportedly late Connor Owens “Wilhelmina’s hunk of great barrier beef” and I spit my drink out. That was so brilliant I will actually forget Suzuki lives the hetero life in the suburbs of New Jersey. “What is going on?” Suzuki asks. He is at Mode to interview Daniel Meade. We all know how well Daniel’s interviews go.

They put Daniel in “The Haute Seat,” and again, kudos to the writers this season, they must have all gotten off meth. Will we see any of them on Intervention? Suzuki asks Daniel if his willie has come undone – no, wait, he asks if Willie has come undone. Phew. Daniel instead turns the conversation over to how well he’s doing thanks to Scientology The Community of the Phoenix. “Okay, not doing an infomercial here,” Suzuki says, horrified that Daniel just touched his hands.

Keep your H1N1 to yourself, toolshed.

Betty, watching the video on her computer, is horrified. Just go back to nerd porn to look for all of your former loooovahs. Natalie walks by like Skeletor on heels as Betty asks if Daniel is around, will have time to see her, etc. and Natalie is muy negativo saying no, no, no and bitch, Betty’s your superior, so at least tone down the attitude.

Walking out of her apartment this time well-dressed, Willie encounters Marc who says, “Clogs Willie? You were wearing clogs!” Willie tells him they are very comfortable and when the hell does she care about comfort? Marc freaks and says he’s knows she’s upset about Connor, but with Willie talking about comfort, “Has the world gone mad?” Marc and I were separated at birth. Also, they looked sort of like Crocs to me, but without holes. Is that the clog definition now?

Those clogs made my ears bleed!

“Everything is not about fashion,” Willie says. Marc grabs her arm, swings her around and gives her a good smack across the face. Not hard enough, if you ask me. She stares at him. He sneaks a peek at her. “I’m going to let that slide,” she says, “because we both know I deserved it.” And how!

Marc is concerned about “their” future and Willie reveals that she went to Claire to beg for her job back. Turns out Claire said no. “At least I think she said no. When she opened her mouth a cloud of dust came out,” Willie says. Like that guy on The Green Mile? Sad. Willie tells Marc she has to find another way to save her daughter’s ass. If she actually had one, girlfriend is like size -2.

Back at the office, Amanda tells Marc she has to go to the editor’s meeting to take notes since Matt is out again. Turns out he was in the Bahamas scouting locations for a photo shoot, which seems like might be Daniel’s job, but whatevs. Amanda says that Matt has asked her to stay late every night to go over fashion layouts and Marc tells her it’s because Matt is out of his league. Also, shouldn’t that be the fashion editor’s job and not the FEATURES editor’s job? Or do the lines blur like Willie’s wrinkles?

Amanda says she’s decided to ask Matt out. “I thought you weren’t going the full Hartley because the Furry One still had feelings for him,” Marc says. Betty really is kind of furry, like a lemon with mold in the back of your fridge. Or my fridge, as the case may be right now.

“Betty says she’s totally over him, so I got the green light,” Amanda says, quickly fessing up to the possibility that conversation happened in her head. I have those too! Mostly it includes the phrase, “I quit, mofo!” and “I have the winning lotto ticket!”

Betty heads into the editor’s meeting and tells Daniel the Suzuki interview “wasn’t that bad” and maybe they can tell them he was on allergy medication. I wouldn’t worry, between his interview on The View and being made a laughingstock by Selma Hayek and her man-getting plan, no one in the media or watching the media takes Daniel seriously. She tells Daniel perhaps they ought to spin the situation. YOU DON’T WORK FOR HIM!

“Spin it?” Phoenix leader guy asks. He tells Daniel he was really proud of him, then exchanges out Daniel’s glass of water for Phoenix water. It’s chock full of vitamins and Thetans! And guess what? Now Phoenix leader is joining their editorial meeting and he brought friends! Super fun! Because if there is one thing cult leaders know, it’s fashion!

This is from the Guyana Tragedy Collection.

Daniel opens the meeting by telling everyone he’s excited about the Bahamas shoot and wants to keep the meeting free of “any negatronic energy.” Yeah, I’d be calling Daddy Hartley into this meeting so he could fire Daniel tout suite. This does not scream ROI!

A more fashionable last supper. Nice beads, Jesus!

He asks Betty to kick off the meeting. Oh Lord, I thought he wanted to avoid the negatronic energy! She tells them that the Bahamas was a known pirate haven (now they hang out off the coast of Somalia – seems like they might be easy to blow out of the water there, but I digress) and two famous pirates were actually women. I have no idea if this is true and I’m too lazy to even check the Wik, and that’s pretty damn lazy.

Phoenix leader leans over and whispers something to Daniel, probably about how low his tithing is thatswhatshesaid, while Betty continues her idea of them showing models plundering booty and showing booty. Oh, Booty. I mean oh, Betty.

“Uh Betty,” Daniel says. “Didn’t pirates kill people?” Not as much as you are killing everyone’s buzz. Betty’s like, yeah, but they also had scurvy, “but I didn’t think we’d focus on that for the layout either.” Wow, she put that d-bag right in his place. Daniel says he’s getting a lot of negative energy from this idea and they don’t want it to toxify the whole meeting. When did he lose his grasp of 11th grade vocab?

Betty follows Daniel out of the meeting as he’s being led back to his office by Phoenix leader and followed by storm troopers from the community. Phoenix leader shuts the door in Betty’s face, looks at her through one of the portholes in the door, and nods at her like “in your face, beyotch!” How about knocking and walking in, Betty?

“I assumed it was just me he was cutting out of his life,” Claire says to Betty. Where the hell did she just vaporize from, Vulcan? Betty says this all started when he hired “that girl Natalie” to be his assistant. Then came the community meetings, counseling sessions, the phasing, and finally a baby in a baby carriage. Wait, that may be a different tune. “And now they are telling him what he can and cannot put in his own magazine.” Is it really his or Daddy Fartley’s magazine? We may want to clarify at the quarterly meeting.

Claire tells Betty there’s a name for groups who cut you off from your friends and family and make all the decisions in your life for you. Your supervisor? Your 401(k) manager? Oprah? “A cult!” she says, and suddenly I’m transported back to the 1970s where there used to be a ton of movies on about cults and people stealing their kids back from cults and deprogramming them, thank you Jim Jones of Kool Aid fame. Man, I could go for some grape right about now. Betty swears she’ll find out what’s going on. Or, you could just call security and have those freaks thrown out.

“Mrs. Meade!” Amanda yells holding up an envelope. “Big fat package for you.” Lucky bitch. Turns out the envelope is post-marked from the South Dakota Department of Child and Protective Services. Why the hell would you have that sent to the office? Do you not have a home or a P.O. Box in Brooklyn?

Seriously, couldn’t this be Matt as a boy?

Claire tears open the envelope and we see a picture of a semi-young kid – and here’s where I get confused…is this an old picture or a new one, because I’m thinking old since Claire had this kid years ago, but why would CPS have a current picture of a kid they adopted out years ago? Oh, writers, back on the meth? Plus, don’t she and Cal both have blue eyes? They’d hardly have a kid with brown ones, thank you Biology 101! But my office TV is small so I can’t really tell. Plus I’m recapping drunk. Again.

In the cafeteria, Mode is serving sushi via a cafeteria line and I’m wondering how much cash Daddy Fartley infused into the magazine. Enough to free-range sushi, clearly. My company won’t let me get a pad of paper out of the supply closet without a pat-down.

Matt is trying to pick up the sushi with chopsticks, but has injured his finger doing something dirty (I’m guessing) and he can’t even hold the sticks. Dumbass. Amanda runs in and offers to help. Turns out Matt injured his finger “diving in for a serve” and it turns out it was videogame tennis. Pussy.

“It’s a really good workout, you should try it,” he says. Did he just call her fat? Amanda says she’s game, how about tomorrow night at her place, she’ll make dinner. Impressive. I should try that tactic sometime. Matt wants to know if she’s asking him out on a date. Looks like/walks like/quacks like…but Amanda says no, they are simply “two single attractive people who may or may not have to get up early in the morning.” Gotta hand it to her, she’s good. “Friendly dinner sounds nice,” he says. Oh, it’s going to get friendly, let me tell you!

In the Aly McBeal bathroom, Betty has stalked Daniel while he’s in a stall stinkin’ up the joint, yummy. I wonder if he’s reading a Nancy Drew novel? She tells him she’s been trying to talk to him all day but “Natalie and Bennett won’t let me near you.” Who? Oh, Phoenix Leader. Daniel says they are just looking out for him. And probably his wallet.

Betty takes the uncouth path and says, “You mean like running your editorial meetings and cutting you off from your family and everybody who cares about you?” I probably would have taken a different route, but she does get to the point. Daniel says Phoenix Leader was right, she wouldn’t understand. She says she’s trying. “Would I stalk you out here, listening to strange guys go to the bathroom?” she asks. You might, you are super-freaky sometimes.

He tells her it’s something she has to experience and Betty bites. “What if I did an article on it?” she says. Good one, way to get into the cult! She says she’ll do a profile on Phoenix Leader and the Community and get an insider’s perspective. “Then I could understand why this is so important to you,” she says. Why does she sound so whiney? Take it down a notch, otherwise he’s going to know you are lying!

Betty’s in Claire’s office and it turns out Betty is getting total and complete access to The Community! “We’re in,” Claire says. Do you think you might want to take a professional with you? I’ve seen how you two work, it’s close to the Keystone Cops, just not as smooth.

OH MY GOD, they made another Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Where is my gun? I must blow a hole in my temple.

Over at The Community Center (hahaha – normally they’re just full of kids and pools, not tons of fools!), Betty walks in and announces herself and Phoenix Leader is on some ungodly steep stairs, opening his arms saying they’ve been expecting her. Do they hold their meetings at the MOMA?

Welcome to Dali-wood!

Phoenix Leader tells her she is about to be given full access, then says, “Once you see it, I can’t be responsible for what may happen,” and gives her a stern look. Then he breaks up laughing and tells her people think their organization is into all kinds of crazy stuff. Because they ARE.

Back at Mode, Willie is telling Not-Nico that she’s made travel arrangements for her to fly to Venezuela to hide out with some long-lost cousins. Homey don’t buy that. Or is it Homie? Could I be more white? Anyway, Not-Nico says why can’t we just pay off Castellar…is she dense? Clearly there is no money and Willie won’t mortgage her cool apartment.

Not-Nico not-likey the plan. She says even if she goes, they would still come after Willie. She tells Willie that she’ll talk to him and work something out. Like his tongue out of your mouth? Willie refuses to set up a payment plan with a blackmailer and she’s right on this one. I’ve found it’s always better to pay murder cover-ups in one lump some. Or so I’ve heard.

Can I have my allowance for the movies? It cost $2 million nowadays.

Back at The Community building, which looks like an Escher drawing, Phoenix Leader tells Betty a lot of people think they are kind of a cult. Betty gathers her moxie and asks if that isn’t understandable given that a lot of what they say is…”kooky?” Phoenix Leader asks. He asks if it’s kooky to help people get off drugs, off the streets…yes, because if you continue to help people, who are we going to watch on Intervention? As an aside, a co-worker and I have become obsessed with Allison from that show, and her need to suck canned air. PFFFT! I love that show, it truly is high art.

Betty tries to go into a Level 7 room which I’m guessing serves Ketel One instead of Absolut, but Phoenix Leader won’t have it. She tells him she’s trying to help everyone learn about THE COMMUNITY. He ain’t buying it. “I thought it was because you’re afraid you’re losing Daniel.” Yes, to a CULT. She swears she’s here for the article. That statement would have worked better if you hadn’t averted your eyes.

He tells her he understands it’s hard to lose someone, “Like your mother.” Wow, I TOTALLY saw that coming. Betty wants to know how he knew about that but he glosses over and tells her that it must have been devastating. Well doyee, she says, only more politely.

Then he goes into this whole psycho thing where he says, “You think about her every day–no, wait…” then he taunts her by saying she doesn’t think about her mother and little by little her mother is slipping away. Wow, very effective. Of course, she could just say it’s all part of the grieving and coping process and that life goes on because it has to, but sure, get sucked in to Spidey’s web.

Back at Mode, Marc walks by the front desk and sees two clackers laughing at pictures of Willie in sweats. He grabs the magazine and shames them both. Next, we see him leaving Willie’s apartment with said clothes as he says, “Laundry day!” to the doorman. He doesn’t care, Marc.

You know the next page has an article
about Tara Reid’s mismatched boobs.

Marc heads down the alley to throw out the clothes and the shamefully comfortable shoes fall to the side. “Prada help me,” Marc says, as he slips off his shoes and tries the clogs/crocs on. “Oh my God!” he says, realizing how comfortable they are. EWW! He starts dancing around saying, “I don’t want to know this!”

Move over O-face, there’s Clog-face in town now!

Suddenly Not-Nico comes around the corner with Castellar and says, “I’ve tried everything.” Marc ducks behind the dumpster and listens in. Castellar/Jonathon says, “She’s just trying to get my price down, she’s a tough bitch,” and Not-Nico says she’s pretty sure her mother means it – there’s no money. Marc realizes what’s going on, probably because of the clarity the clogs gave him. She tells Jonathon that she does want things to work out, “Detective Castellar….” Dun-dun-dunnnnn! Finally someone is going to get her ass handed to her!

You could cook fries in the grease these two supply.

Marc freaks out and forgetting he’s wearing those hideous gardening shoes, goes tearing off down the street, trips and falls and keeps going. I’m guessing the fall was an accident but he played it off really well.

Back at the office, Betty is staring at a picture of her mother as Claire comes in and asks what happened. She says he told her about the programs and The Community…and that he started talking to her about her mother. “That’s what con men do, Betty, they prey on the vulnerable.” And the overly patterned. “You think he’s a con man?” Betty asks. Well doyeeee. Aren’t all cult leaders? Look at Jesus!

Claire asks for Betty’s help. In Daniel’s office, Claire says Betty told her she knew Daniel’s password. Betty says she does, but she’s not comfortable breaking into Daniel’s computer. Then why are you sitting in front of it? Claire wants to know if Daniel has been giving money to The Community. She thinks that is why they are after Daniel. Well it ain’t for his Mensa connections, that’s for sure.

Betty breaks into Daniel’s bank account and says, “Wow, you guys have a lot of money.” Since when? Weren’t their accounts totally wiped out by Hot Piece of Australian Ass? I’m too pretty to have to think this hard. Ha…not really, I’m just too lazy.

Unfortunately, they don’t find any unusually large withdrawal and everything looks normal. “What’s going on?” Daniel says, standing in the doorway. Those beads make you look like a ‘tard, dude, that’s what’s going on. Betty stands up, slams Daniel’s computer closed, and says “Nothing” in such a way that clearly “Something” is going on. Why didn’t they say, “We were just looking for pictures of Molly to make a collage to make you feel better,” or something like that. The ease with which I can come up with cover lies is almost astonishing. I really love my job! See? Easy.

Duck! It’s Damien Omen and a bag of chips!

Over at Amanda’s apartment, she and Matt are grunting away, sadly on a videogame. You kids these days and your video-game-playing over sex-having lives. Idiots. The game ends or something stops and Matt offers to get her in a better position. YOU DUMB KIDS! He moves her hips with his hands and Amanda swoons.

I always knew she was a back-door girl.

Matt tells Amanda he appreciates her covering for him in the meeting that morning, and she says it was no big deal except for Daniel bringing his “Flight of the Phoenix” friends. As if they were that hot. She says, “It was all about phasing this and phasing that…it was a little too Star Trek for me.” Nothing is ever too Star Trek for me, NOTHING. Make it so, Number One.

Matt suddenly becomes interested and asks who was talking about the phasing and Amanda says Daniel and Bennett, “He’s the head guy.” Matt’s like, “Bennett Wallace?” Rut roh!

Back at Daniel’s Bead-a-porium, he’s acting all put out about them breaking into his office. It’s not B&E if the door is open, moron. Also, it’s hard to take you seriously when it looks like you’re wearing a string of sheep balls around your neck.

Then the mean comes out. Claire tells Daniel she had no choice but to break into his computer since he’s cutting her out of his life. He volleys that she cut him out of her life first by sleeping with Hartley. Claire says that Cal is trying to save the company, not hand it over to crackpots. Yeah, he’s handing it over to sushi chefs! Samurai Delicatessen!

Betty tells Daniel it’s great that the group is helping him, but they just want to be there to help too. Natalie is hiding behind a wall and calls Bennett to squeal like a stuck pig. He tells them that at Level 5 he caught a glimpse of Molly and tonight he’s going to Level 7 so he can be with her when he wants, whenever he wants. What is Level 6, she’s a soul-tease?

Betty tells him that doesn’t make any sense and Daniel looks up to see Natalie mooning at him. Not mooning him, mooning AT him. Daniels tells Betty and his mother fine, let’s talk about this, but I need to get some water before discussing it.

We’re losing Daniel! And I need a cheese and pepperoni pizza, stat!

Daniel’s phone rings and Claire answers it. Damn, Mom, leave him alone! It’s Matt saying he needs to talk to Daniel about Bennett. Betty asks, “What about him?” Matt tells them about the time he moved to Canada to be a Mountie (seriously? He looks like he’d be afraid of horses).

Matt explains that he hooked up with The Brotherhood of the Northern Lights which was run by Bennett. Turns out they did the same thing there regarding being with your dead loved ones and it’s all done with smoke and mirrors. Oh, and heavy drugs. That’s their out with Daniel! Institute a drug policy, have him tested, then booted out for the ‘shrooms he’s on. Done and done!

They’re making a Matt sandwich, telecommuting-style!

Matt tells them one of the people in the group died. They freak and turn to look at Daniel who is GONE! Sacre bleu, he’s flown the coop! They follow him to the elevator and as it closes we see Daniel standing with Natalie. I hate that bitch! But great hair, you have to admit.

Outside of The Community’s building, Claire, Betty, Matt, and Amanda are all smushed in the back of the Meade’s too-small town car. Matt’s telling them that they will close ranks around Daniel because he’s their celebrity member. Matt says people are probably joining in droves because of Daniel. Oops. Betty suddenly notices Amanda in the car and her face is saying WTF is she doing here?

Agatha Christie and a recipe for disaster.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the help Amanda, but what are you doing here?” Amanda says she’s was in the cult for 5 minutes last week so she knows how they operate. Claire wants to know how to get Daniel out of there. Matt says he was banned from the group for life. “Do you know what would happen if I showed my face in there?”

It’s about damn time.

The next thing we see is Matt having his face shoved down on the security counter inside The Community. There are 4 security guards roughing him up, but maybe it’s because he’s so cute and they all want to ask him to prom. Luckily, they create a diversion and Betty, Claire, and Amanda all run up the stairs in 4-inch heels. Good thinking!

Follow the yellow brick road.Mode-style!

Back at the office, Willie is packing up some books (she’s a reader?) as Marc flies into her office to tell her about Not-Nico. “Nico and Castellar,” he says, sucking on his inhaler. Willie asks him to spit it out as she notices he’s wearing her shoes. Oops.

At Willie’s apartment, Not-Nico walks in as Willie and Marc are waiting for her. Willie says Marc just brought her troubling news. The clogs are comfy? “I saw you!” Marc says. “On the street canoodling with Castellar.”

Not-Nico admits it, but says she did it to bargain with Castellar so she didn’t have to go to Venezuela. Marc says they looked a little too cozy. Not-Nico poorly acts as she tells Willie that Castellar said he would take less if she were willing to offer him something to sweeten the deal…oh, as if. He might have asked your mother but you? Look like you barely know your way around your mother’s apartment let alone a man. She cries as she says she couldn’t go through with it. I think she means with the lights on.

Watch out! I think E.T.’s head is about to burst at the seam!

Marc asks Willie if she believes this bullshit. Willie tells him to get out of her house. Marc is surprised but methinks Willie knows what is happening and Marc is playing along.

Back at Community of Crazy, Betty is leading Amanda and Claire around the labyrinth of stairs to find the Level 7 room. Think there is a cover charge? They hear someone coming and take off, except Claire and Amanda head into a dark room as Betty stays in the hallway. People walk into the room and see Claire and Amanda. “Are you here for the session?” some woman asks. Turns out it’s grief counseling.

The counselor asks, “Why don’t you tell us about your loss?” Amanda says, “My mother died.” Claire wants to get the hell out of there, but Amanda goes on about how she was put up for adoption, then when she figured out who her mother was, mom was gone. Counselor asks how it happened and Amanda says, “She murdered her,” pointing at Claire as Claire says it was a terrible accident. Oops!

Betty is sneaking around alone and I’m pretty sure this is a horror movie where Betty is going to get killed once she shows her boobies. We see Bennett walking around Daniel and Natalie and saying creepy things as they are surrounded by Community of the Phoenix Stonehenge. Are those included in the bill? He says they are both ready for Level 7. Lucky number 7.

Bennett pours them some tea and asks Natalie, “Do you want to be with Rob?” Then to Daniel, “Are you ready to be with Molly?” The answer to both questions is yes. But what about the viewers? Do we really need to see Molly again? No.

Daniel, have you ever had Yak Butter Tea?

Betty sneaks over to the Level 7 room and whips open the door but the room is empty. What the hell? Daniel and Natalie are actually somewhere else! Where could they be? WHERE? Ironically, a pizza guy shows up at the door of wherever Phoenix Leader and his minions are. Odd.

Did someone named Natalie order a Level 7 pizza?

Amanda and Claire are still in the session fessing up to their situation. Claire apologizes for killing Amanda’s mother and Amanda accepts the apology. Betty opens the door and says, “Guys, we gotta go!”

Outside Amanda gets a call from Matt who is in jail for disturbing the peace and trespassing. It’s about time. Betty wants to know where Daniel could be and Matt says the people on Level 7 need to be close to their deceased boring wife’s things. Betty remembers that Daniel never packed up Molly’s things. Then why would Natalie be able to make a connection with her dead boyfriend there? Cult logic is confusing!

Amanda can’t believe they are leaving Matt in jail but Betty’s all about finding Daniel ASAP. “On my team, you never leave a man behind!” she says. Betty’s like, whatever, get us to Brooklyn. Molly lived in Brooklyn? Really? Then Amanda asks if either of them could spare some bail money. Claire farts and hands her a wad of cash.

Back at Willie’s place, Willie apologizes for trying to send Not-Nico away. Not-Nico asks what they are going to do since they are out of options. Willie says they aren’t. She pushes a mirror up from the wall to reveal a safe. She says the combination out loud – 36-24-36 – her measurements. She pulls out a large, black jewelry case that holds – dun-dun-dunnnn – a priceless family heirloom necklace!

First, we need to stop by the Des Moines
Antiques Roadshow for an estimate!

“You had this all along, why didn’t you say anything?” she asked. Because she was hoping to make her money by bedding down with Connor, don’t we all? She admits she swore she’d never part with it but Not-Nico was the only thing that is more important to her than the necklace. Yeah, I pretty much knew she was setting Not-Nico up.

Willie says she has a few things to complete at the office, and then they’ll take off for the airport the next morning. “We’ll stick together and get through this,” she says. I’m guessing not. Not-Nico hugs Willie and evilly looks at the safe. Bitch!

Becoming Japanese Anime does not make you more attractive. Or talented.

Back at Molly’s lair of death, Bennett is asking Daniel if he sees Molly yet. No. You know why? She’s dead and the shrooms are only making his head dance with images of Mr. Mojo Risen. Suddenly we hear Molly’s voice. Oh dammit to the bowels of bottomless hell, I thought we were done with Miss Goody Two-Shoes and Eleven Toes (I’m guessing).

Oh my God, is that the same dress from when she died? I bet it’s pungent now.

“Molly!” Daniel says. “Yes Daniel,” Molly says. Daniel’s in her apartment with another woman…awkward! Daniel can’t believe he’s seeing Molly. The door busts open and Claire and Betty have Scooby-dooed Bennett. Bennett won’t let them in because “they are in a very delicate state.” As long as they still have their clothes on, I think visitors are okay.

Claire totally goes balls-out on Bennett and says he’ll be in a delicate state if he doesn’t get the hell out of her way. “I am on to you! I know who you are and if you’ve done anything to harm my son I will sue your ass right off.” Oh, Claire, no, don’t take the legal route, take the brake-cutting route. Quick and effective.

Unless you want a scrotum sandwich, MOVE.

Betty sits in front of Daniel but he thinks it’s Molly. Daniel says he’s missed her, she’s missed him, he says they can be together forever but Molly’s not really into that. She says she doesn’t want him to forget her, but he has to, just a little bit. “This isn’t real, Daniel, I’m gone. You can’t spend your life pretending that I’m not.” She stands up and we see Molly’s face but hear Betty’s voice say, “You have to let her go.” I’m completely creeped out by this combo!

“Daniel, you have to let her go,” Betty says. “Let her go…let her go.” Daniel says he never got to say goodbye. Yes, that’s because you wanted to accept an award rather than stay home with your on-death’s-door wife. Own it. Molly says, “Then say goodbye to me.” Poor Daniel, he’s so sad. And stupid. “Goodbye Molly,” he says, and kisses her. Oh my God, HE KISSED BETTY!

She’s dead! KISS OF DEATH! KISS OF DEATH!

Daniel “awakens” and sees Betty, Bennett leaning over Natalie, and Claire. He falls to his knees and they keep calling his name. How about calling 911, morons?

After the commercials we see Daniel leaving Molly’s apartment with Betty and Claire. Claire wants him to go to the hospital. Or the psych ward, same diff. Daniel sees Natalie heading towards a town car – are they stealing the Meade’s ride? Daniel asks Natalie not to go but she says she’s not giving up like he did. She bitches that they were supposed to do this together. “I can’t see Robby unless you are with me.” How the hell does that work?

Daniel tells her that it’s not real, Bennett’s been using them, etc. etc. and I have to say that is the fastest deprogramming I have ever seen. Betty and Claire are like the freakin’ Wonder Twins! Natalie cries because she’s a desperate fool who can’t get on with her life. Bye Natalie, we hardly knew ye.

I’m sensing Betty’s the boy.

Betty and Claire are waiting by their car – guess Bennett had his own smoooooth ride. Everyone smiles.

Back at the office, Matt now two injured thumbs for reasons we probably should not discuss. Or the security guys from the night before did it. Naw, he was masturbating. Oh my God, I just had to spell-check that.

Anyhoodle, Amanda stops by to help Matt with his pudding. Has he considered chicken nuggets sans sauce? That might work better with his thumblessness. She feeds him like he’s a baby and you know he’s totally turned on. They are kind of a cute couple. What if Henry came back and Betty got back with him, and they did a double wedding during sweeps?

Yes, this will create nothing but respect for Matt.

Matt says they never got to finish their date…”Uh…friendly dinner. Can I make it up to you?” How, by making her one of the notches on your bedpost? She says she thinks she could squeeze him in thatswhatshesaid, and she wipes pudding on his nose. Scheeexxxxy!

As Amanda is walking away, Claire catches her and says she’s glad they were able to clear the air the night before. “Me too. I took, the ‘You have reached the office of the murderer’ off your voicemail,” she says. J’adore her.

Claire walks away and Amanda says, “He was a beautiful baby.” Claire’s like, exsqueeze me? “Your son. The one you put up for adoption.” Claire says she doesn’t know what Amanda is talking about and Amanda says, “You think a personal and confidential letter from the South Dakota Department of Child Services crosses my desk and I’m NOT going to steam it open?” She smiles at Claire. “Call him.” Then she makes the key-locking-her-mouth-and-being-tossed-away move with her hand. As if. Claire smiles.

In Claire’s office she’s booking a flight to South Dakota. Don’t they have a corporate jet with all their tons of money? Also, does he still live there? I have a sneaking suspicion – and I think I’ve mentioned this before – that the son she gave up for adoption is Matt but the Hartleys don’t know it. How awesome would that be?

In Willie’s apartment the inevitable is happening. Not-Nico is breaking into the safe and taking out the necklace box. It’s empty! Willie sneaks a peek from around the corner. “I prayed I wouldn’t find you here,” she says. Pray away. Not-Nico begins to act innocent and Willie pretty much says the jig is up. Although she’d never use the word jig.

The Punker has become the PUNKED!

“There never was a murder, was there? No blackmailing detective,” Willie says. “Just like there wasn’t any plan for us to run away together,” Not-Nico spats. She’s got you there, Willie, but only because she ruined things by trying to steal from you, so it’s sort of a conundrum of sorts. Chicken and egg to us pleebs.

Willie guesses that Castellar is actually Not-Nico’s greasy loser boyfriend Jonathon. She asks her why she did this. “What did I do to you?” she asks her daughter. Mothers, NEVER open up that opportunity, it could take days to get through all those Whats.

Not-Nico is like bitch, where do I even start? Willie sending her away so she could spend her energy on her career, never seeing her growing up, never spending holidays together (maybe she’s a Jehovah’s Witness!), yadda yadda. Then Not-Nico says that Willie should be proud of her because after all she did to screw up her daughter, Not-Nico is just like her. Without the class. Or boobs. Or ass. Or acting ability. So really, she’s not like her mother at all.

“Get out. I never want to see you again,” Willie says. “You’ll get what you want, mom, you always do,” Not-Nico says. Just go already and take Molly with you.

The worst part for Not-Nico? Now she can’t borrow
that cool necklace her mother is wearing!

The next day Daniel and Betty are packing up Molly’s apartment. Jesus, I hope it’s a Saturday, otherwise these two really need to be fired so they can hire people who actually show up for work. Betty asks Daniel about a t-shirt and Daniel has this long, boring story about how that was Molly’s New York Times crossword puzzle coffee and croissant Sunday t-shirt and I almost break my nose falling asleep and hitting my face on my keyboard. That J key almost took out my eye.

Daniel says get rid of it but Betty says if it means something to him, he should keep it. Betty, Betty, Betty…that’s what got us into this mess. She holds up her B necklace and says, “The pearls aren’t real, it doesn’t go with everything I wear, but my mom gave it to me so it was a keeper.” And now we know where she gets her awful sense of style!

Betty throws the t-shirt at Daniel and he puts it in the keep pile. He says he meant to ask her something about the other night. He says when he was off in Level 7 land and thought he was talking to Molly, he kissed her, and he wants to know if he actually kissed Betty. Do you have razor burn? Then yes.

Betty is just as horrified at the faux kiss as Daniel was.

Turns out she was Molly’s stand-in for that. Ew! Get the Listerine! She says he actually kissed her around the eyebrows. “I’m a lot shorter than Molly,” she says. But the razor burn still would have been real if Betty needed any kind of brow wax. Daniel is relieve his lips did not touch Betty’s.

Betty holds up Phoenix beads and Daniel tells her to get rid of them. Amen!

Next episode? Bahamas, Atlantis, models, Connor emerging from the sea, Shakira, and…hold the freakin’ phone! Connor? I knew he faked his own death! Let’s just hope that’s not a mirage!