Ugly Betty: Dancing, Blackmail, S&M and Cults – Telenovela Bliss!

Hello Gasmii, welcome to another recap of Ugly Betty, formerly known as Circling the Drain. The writers have once again pulled out a pretty good episode and I am thrilled to be able to rip it apart. Let’s let it rip!

The ears are coming from inside the office!

It’s 7:36pm and Betty is telling Papi she’ll be home soon. He threatens her with dry arroz con pollo which “is not meant to be re-heated.” Dude, it’s Mexican. It can be eaten cold. Looking at her reflection in the glass in her office, she straightens up her outfit and suddenly Matt’s ears appear behind her. She screams. Matt apologizes for scaring her with his Barack Obamas.

He wanted to tell her he liked her pitch for the green issue. “Wilhelmina was wrong, it did not reek of recycled manure,” he says. Betty responds that she liked his idea and, “You were not, ‘Nothing but nosehair’ when you pitched it.” I don’t know, he does strike me as the kind of guy who is hairier than you would expect. I can’t help but notice that Betty’s hair is stuck inside her jacket and it’s making my neck itchy.

Matt then tells Betty he’s digging her new look. Well, looking feminine does work for some people. Awkward moment of silence. “I’m sorry,” Matt says, “I have to do this.” He comes towards her and oh-my-God-he’s-going-to-kiss-her-no-he’s-not, he’s pulling said hair from out of her jacket as the plinky-plunky romantic music dies down with a sad moan. Psych!

Also attempting to leave the office is Amanda, who is caught by Marc who thought they were leaving together. She says she’s exhausted because she’s been working since 9 without a break. “And by working you mean gossiping and complaining?” Marc asks. Oh my God, does she have my job? Then suddenly…

“Hey Mandy-licious,” says Matt. “Hey, Matty-licious,” Amanda says back. WTF? Marc starts to choke saying he got “a piece of corny” stuck in his throat. I’m with ya, brother. Matt asks her is she can stay for a little while, but doesn’t finish his sentence because Amanda is bowling over Marc to tell Matt she can stay. WTF part deux?

You put your right arm in and you shake it all about!

Betty bumps into Daniel at the elevator and he says he’s meeting up with Natalie at the group therapy session. Super-fun! Remember when Daniel screwed models? Yeah, me too. Now he’s just a sad-sack complainer. Waah, my wife died! Pussy.

Daniel mentions he noticed that Betty and Matt have been “chummy.” Or did he mean they look like chum? Because either works. Betty says she has no news on that front but hopefully she will by the time they have lunch together tomorrow. Judging by Daniel’s face, gasp, demeanor, and look of stupidity, he forgot.

The elevator opens and Willie steps off. “Well, what an unpleasant surprise,” she says to both of them. She is my hero. Daniel tells her to wait, he wants to thank he for doing “all that work in Tibet.” WTF part trois? He tells her it’s special to him because it was special to Molly, I barf, the end, but then he hugs Wilhelmina. She looks like she’s been enveloped by bubonic plague or, well, by Daniel. Daniel gets on the elevator, Willie looks at Betty and Betty makes a face like “how the hell should I know?” and shrugs. That was a sweet moment they shared.

I’ll just fantasize about George Clooney until this is over.

Willie says, “Why was pasty-face hugging me and mumbling something about Tibet?” as she hunts Marc for sport in her office. As Marc walks backwards, into her office doors, over an ottoman, he tells her she’s being honored by the Style Cares charity for her large donations to orphans in Tibet. I thought she was just free-ranging them prior to curing them like a fine prosciutto?

Nope, turns out Marc and her accountant set up a tax-deductible foundation for her. The really fun part? She gets to host the event at her home instead of a restaurant so more money can go to the orphans. “Think of the tiny baby orphans!” he screams as he holds up a picture of tiny baby orphans. “And your public image!”

Willie agrees about her image. “But who the hell would get excited about a charity event?” Over at Casa Excitable, Betty screams, “I got invited to a charity event!” Justin is thrilled it’s at Wilhelmina’s house. “How exclusive!” he says. “Can you steal me something like a napkin, and olive, anything?” How about a murderer?

Hilda asks who her plus one is going to be, and my first thought was Justin followed by Papi. Am I wrong here? Then I thought about Gio. Yum! But not once did I think of Matty-licious. “Maybe I’ll invite Matt,” she says. Her whole family spews bile. I’m kind of with them on this.

Oh brother…leaving group, Daniel says, “Wow.” This must be a Scientology session. Plus, he’s dressing like a dork. Natalie says, “I feel closer to Robbie than ever.” Yeah, uh, he’s dead. At some point, you probably should stop talking to him. “I was such a sour bitch before you knew me,” she says. “Before?” Daniel jokes.

It’s like Breakfast Club for ‘tards.

But let’s digress for a moment. Those pleather leggings (those are NOT pants, people) and long, striped sweater are so Desperately Seeking Susan she might as well be wearing lace gloves. Plus, those horizontal stripes are doing nothing for those hips. Really, Natalie, get some fashion sense if you are going to hang out with that dork Daniel.

Then Daniel starts to bitch about how when he gets back to work, the great feeling he has right now leaves him. “I feel like all this stress just comes at me,” he says. Well, most of it is self-induced, dumbass, that’s why they call it WORK and not VACATION. Because it sucks ass! But at least you’re sort of the boss so there are fewer people setting up camp in your colon than for us little folk!

Natalie offers to help or guide him whenever he needs. “Maybe I should hire you as my personal guru,” he says. Natalie says she does need the money. Oh crap. “I just had a crazy thought,” he says. Nothing good ever comes from that sentence. But hold that thought!

Betty sneaks into Matt’s office, grabs a post-it, sticks it to her invitation, and quickly writes “Will you be my plus one?” on it while looking out for Matt. Would it not have made sense to write that out beforehand so you can just run in, drop it on his desk and run out?

Matt comes in and dumps a bunch of papers on her invite. He says there is something he wanted to ask about Wilhelmina’s party. He prefaces his question with this whole big thing about how she doesn’t have to say yes, blabbedy blah-blah and Betty thinks he’s going to ask her to the party but psych again! At the same time he asks if it’s okay if he brought a date, Betty says, “YES!” Smooth as chunky peanut butter.

She rebounds by saying it’s great if he brings a date and he says he’s sure she’ll bring one, then she looks down at where the invite is now hidden. Awwwwkward. “Hey look, there’s Katie from Sales,” she says, grabbing her invite when Matt looks away. “Yep, there she is,” he says. Riveting.

Matt says he’s glad Betty’s cool with the whole date thing. “I’m cool with it…freezing with it! Brrrr!” she says. Dork.

Looks like the chill is kicking up Betty’s bursitis.

Via the phone, Hilda says, “Please tell me you didn’t say that.” No kidding. Also? If I had a hair stylist who was talking on the phone every damn time I was in the salon, I would be pissed. Put the phone down and WORK. Oh, Hilda, you never cease to amaze. Is she sniffing hairspray now? “Nobody can replace you, Betty,” Hilda says.

“Betty, I’ve finally replaced you,” Daniel says as we see SONOFABITCH what did I tell you about nothing ever good coming from his sentence the other night? It’s Natalie! With much better hair, but still. She is totally giving me the heebie jeebies. Oh, I said it. Betty’s face falls. But seriously…Natalie has great hair! I’m guessing she didn’t get that at Hilda’s Beautilities.

“Do you really think it’s wise to hire someone you met in grief counseling?” Betty asks Daniel while texting God knows who. Way to multi-task. “I mean, doesn’t she know all sorts of personal things about you?” Daniel says he comfortable with her because she knows him so well. Like the other women in his life, just not in the Biblical sense. “It’s like I found another you, Betty.” Ick.

Turns out Natalie is a massage therapist with no admin background. Still…that would be handy to have around! “Plus, she got a new haircut and everything,” he says. Natalie has popped her head in his office and says, “Oh, you did notice.” She asks for help with the phones and Daniel suggests Betty give her a quick orientation. Betty’s pissed. WHY? You got your promotion, Daniel has someone semi-normal working for him, chillax a little.

Matt sees Mandylicious at the front desk looking at a hot little dress. He asks if she’s wearing that to Wilhelmina’s party. Why the hell would she be invited? Unless…! Amanda says she’s not going to the “dumb editor” party. Matt says he was going to invite her, but if she thinks it’s dumb…Amanda quickly changes her tune and Matt says, “It would at least be fun if you were there.”

“WHAT?!?!” Marc says. “You’re going with Betty’s Matt? Isn’t that going to break her pudgy little heart?” Probably, but it’s pudgy so the break will hardly be noticeable. Amanda says that Matt makes her feel smart AND pretty, which is always a good reason to get involved with a guy: so he can prop up your self-esteem on Tiny Tim crutches. “Can’t you just be happy for me?” she asks.

Marc says he thought her attraction to “Baby Fartley” started and ended with his money, but now he sees that she actually likes his ears! Amanda admits it. “He completes me.” Oh, Christ. Marc says he didn’t realize Amanda was having real feelings and now he IS happy for her.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A homeless, Tibetan orphan! Haha!

“Don’t be happy for me! I’m going to break Betty’s pudgy little heart,” she says. Yep. Marc suggests that the “selfless” thing to do would be to not go to the party. They both laugh heartily. He tells her to either tell Betty the truth and hope she’s okay with it or find some way to cushion the blow. What would Plan Z be, Marc? Amanda laughs – alone. “No, those really are your options,” Marc says. D’oh!

In Wilhelmina’s office, she’s rolling her eyes at the guy who is helping to write her speech. Just like me when salespeople call and say they have something new when in reality it’s the same bullshit I’ve heard from every other salesperson who thinks they are giving me some new nugget of info. Meh!

“For example,” says the douchey interviewer, “What inspired you to help Tibetan orphans?” Please say tax break, please say tax break. “MARC!” Ooh, good thinking. Marc comes in and says, “Many years ago, Ms. Slater went on a soul-searching pilgrimage…” Get your wading boots. He goes on to say that she experienced a holy vision that brought her to this organization and her mission. Douchey interviewer starts to ask a question but the phone rings, thank God.

It’s Not-Nico and she’s upset. No more fro-yo? Willie asks what’s wrong then says she’ll be right there. Rut-roh, did she kill another boyfriend? Dumb bitch, you need to pace yourself with stuff like that. Just ask my ex-boyfriends…if you can find them!

Betty shows Natalie how to check Daniel’s messages and we hear Betty’s voice saying, “You’ve reached Betty Suarez, assistant to Daniel Meade…” and Natalie hits the delete button. Rude, but effective. “How do I do a new one with my voice?” Uh, hit record like you hit delete?

Much like Keyser Soze, Betty was gone!

Then Natalie asks Betty if she has her files backed up. Yep. So Natalie gets on the computer and deletes Betty’s files…why didn’t Betty remove those when she changed jobs? Duh. She tells Natalie Daniel’s messages are on her right. “Yeah, I’m going to keep them over here,” Natalie says, moving them to her left. Daniel walks by and loves the new location of his messages. He’s living the dream, people! Seems like Natalie’s good to go. At the end, Natalie gives Betty her name plate. “Like I was never here,” Betty bemoans. Shut the hell up!

Rut-roh! Bloody fingerprint! “I’m not sure what I’m looking at detective,” says Willie. Playing dumb does not suit you, Willie. “It’s a thumb print, in blood,” Investigator Smarmy says. Willie’s all like, if you say so duuuude. “I found it on Jonathon’s boat. It’s his blood. The print belongs to your daughter,” he says. This is where you lawyer up, sister! Wait…how did he get her fingerprints in the first place? Plot hole!

I see the fish from Finding Nemo!

“Well, Nico spent a lot of time on that boat,” Willie says. With blood on her hands? Noose? Tightening. I say let Not-Nico burn and bring back fun Nico. Or your pyro sister. Whatever happened to her? God, that family’s effed up.

“I’ve worked for Jonathon’s family before, covering up his messes,” Investigator says, getting all up in Not-Nico’s shizz. “Your boyfriend was not a nice guy. He had a temper. Especially with women.” Willie says it sounds like they’re lucky he disappeared. “I don’t think she’s lucky. I think she killed him. I think she dumped the body overboard. I think she got help cleaning up her mess. I think you….missed a spot.” He sure thinks a lot for a smarmy guy.

Willie gets all up in his shizz and says, “If you think I do my own cleaning, you don’t know me very well.” Haha! I say that too, except that I actually do my own cleaning which is why the kitchen sink is often piled with dishes. Which I guess means I don’t clean. I’m totally confused now.

Willie tells him she’s not the kind of person he wants as an enemy. She has plenty of people who will vouch for that. “I’ve written a number on the back of that picture,” he says. “I prefer cash.” Oh my God, no he didn’t! Wow! Good for you dude! Picking up after that little bitch of a rich kid and now you are cashing in. Sweet. Call me!

“Are you actually trying to blackmail me,” Willie asks, snorting. “That’s adorable.” You know, it really is! “But it doesn’t go like that. So get out!” Yeah, usually Willie’s the blackmailer, not the blackmailee.

“What are you doing?” Not-Nico says. “You’re not going to pay him?” Oh hell to the no she’s not. She’ll beat him at his own game. Maybe he’s in cahoots with Connor! Who by the way I was almost sure was doing the voiceovers for Outback Steakhouse. Turns out all Australians sound alike, mate.

“But he knows everything, I don’t want to go to jail,” Not-Nico says, which is code for “You’ll be my roommate there, MOM. Willie’s like, shut the hell up, I know what I’m doing despite the fact that my Botoxed face says the complete opposite.

Meanwhile, in Sad Sack Land, Betty tears off the post-it she had written to Matt, then looks sad. Do you even work or have you been hit with Hilda-itis? Amanda slides up next to her from thin air. “Everyone is talking about this reee-dick charity event,” she says. “Sounds like a snooze fest.” She says she’s sure a “super-fun girl” like Betty isn’t going. To the contrary! “It’s an editor party, I’m an editor, why wouldn’t I be going to an editor’s party.” I thought you were an ASSOCIATE editor. Whatevs.

“Why so upsetty, Betty?” Amanda asks. Betty says she’s in a “weird place” (uh, work?) – Daniel hired a new assistant and Matt has a date for the party and very loudly Amanda says, “DID MATT TELL YOU WHO HE WAS TAKING?” Smooooth. No, she doesn’t know who Matt is bringing and no, she doesn’t have a date. Amanda offers to hook her up with one of her friends. That never turns out well.

Up in the penthouse lair, Daniel is bitching because the “Wit & Whimsy” column that has been the cornerstone of Mode magazine for 60 years should not be cut. “I have to draw the line,” he says. Ooo-oo, big man. “Maybe you can draw the line somewhere else,” Hartley says. How about I draw that line right up your ass, jerk? Oh, wait, that was Daniel’s turn to talk.

Please don’t Equus the marble horse, Daniel.

“You know I’m putting a lot of money into this company,” he says. Thanks for holding that over Daniel’s head. “Of course I do, you rarely waste an opportunity to remind us of that fact,” Daniel snots back. Amen! That would get so old, someone rubbing your face in the fact they bailed you out. Right banking industry? Oh, and YOU’RE WELCOME.

Hartley says he’d like to see a little return on his investment. “You can understand that, can’t you son?” Oh, no way did he just say that. “Don’t call me son,” Daniel says. Really, that was pretty condescending and oh by the way, he late father started the business you are saving. Have some class.

Claire, being the middle child clearly, says that they should all think this over for a little bit. Daniel agrees and walks out.

At a restaurant, Betty is waiting for Daniel. Why didn’t you walk over there together, you work in the same place and it’s not like you were out doing any legwork on a story, Betty. Daniel walks in and Betty waves eagerly. Oh good, guess who he brought with him – Natalie. Man, don’t we all have friends who do this to us?

Natalie was classy enough to bring her own food to the restaurant and it’s “Macagreenie and cheese.” Turns out Natalie is on some kind of green diet, but something tells me bright green pasta is not natural and not colored from spinach. Also? If you are going to bring your lunch to work, eat it there and not at a New York restaurant.

Barfalicious!

When Daniel asks where she got the recipe, it turns out it’s from someone at group! Go figure! Way to keep Betty out of the conversation! Jerks! The woman only eats green food because “she thinks it helps her phase better,” Daniel says cryptically. Betty asks what the hell phasing is and they do their secret twin group therapy talk about how it’s about breathing, and focusing and I’m guessing joining a cult. “It’s kind of hard to explain,” Natalie says, code for “This doesn’t include you.”

Daniel asks Betty about Matt and Natalie interrupts saying, “Daniel told me everything about that, are you getting back together or something?” Betty says no, he’s taking someone else to Willie’s party, and oh-by-the-way would you like to be my plus one at the event? Daniel has to decline because GUESS WHAT? He’s taking Natalie. It is a cult, I can feel it coming.

Willie comes storming back into the office as Marc tells her the writers finished a draft of her speech. That quickly? It must be gold. “It’s appropriately faux-modest, yet preachy,” Marc promises. Excellent! He says she should take a look at it. Willie doesn’t care.

“See what dirt you can dig up on…” she says. “No,” Marc says. “Willie, please. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” What the hell? Marc says he’s worked very hard to become a fashion editor, not because he wants to be a blackmailer. He won’t continue to look for horrible information on people. “Enough is enough,” he says.

“Nico killed her boyfriend,” Willie says. “I covered it up. The detective is blackmailing me and I don’t have the money.” Marc is stunned, but that might just be low blood sugar. She tells him she needs to find something out about Investigator or both she and Not-Nico are going to be passed around for cigarettes. Marc’s on the case!

Betty flies into the reception area and tells Amanda to set her up with a date. Amanda thumbs-up but looks freaked. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she hooked Betty up with Jess, the next door neighbor?

Over at the review of the upcoming issue, Meeeeeghan is telling Daniel about an article on mini skirts called “The Thigh’s the Limit,” and I’m going to give them credit on that one. Guess what’s missing? Wit & Whimsy! Turns out Claire is the one who cut it. Oh my God YOU BITCH.

Daniel heads to Hartley’s office and horror of all horrors for kids, catches the rental units making out! EW ICKY POOEY THAT IS SOOO GROSS! Daniel freaks, Claire freaks, Hartley is just getting his freak on.

Claire: We’re busted!
Hartley: It’s more fun when someone watches!

Daniel storms out of Hartley’s office and Claire runs after him saying she should have given him a head’s up. Or you could just not make out at work, Claire. Claire fesses up that she and Hartley had an affair years ago and Daniel is all pissy about it. Is he unfamiliar with his father’s infidelities? Daniel storms off and it’s too bad he doesn’t have a bedroom door to slam, that would have ended this nicely.

Claire, upset, walks back into Hartley’s office and he says she just should have let Daniel go. “Maybe we don’t think the same way about our kids,” he says. Oh, here it comes. “Maybe it’s better things didn’t work out with ours.” You heartless bastard! Claire asks why he would say something like that. Because he’s an ass, Claire. “You have no idea how hard that was for me,” she says. He apologizes. I don’t believe him.

Betty heads over to Amanda’s to meet potential dates, and it is a motley crew of men. Did Amanda just run around grabbing up all the sex offenders in her neighborhood? Turns out she put an ad on Craig’s List, so the answer to that question is yes.

Amanda, why is the cast from
the road show of Hairspray in your apartment?

Daniel is bitching to Natalie about seeing his mother getting some action, then asks her what that thing is that soldiers get when they go through war. Post-traumatic stress disorder? Yes, Daniel, seeing your mother making out with someone is equal to the stress soldiers feel from serving IN A WAR. Jerkoff.

Natalie points out Daniel has been writing a nasty email to his mother for hours. She says, “Remember in group, when we were talking about brain drainers?” Is that like Liquid Plumber? She reminds him it was all about unnecessary drama. “I’ve only been here a day and I’ve seen a lot of drama.” Bitch, it’s a fashion magazine. Between the gays, the fashionistas, the clackers, and accounting, there’s drama. If you don’t like it, go back to calming massages! They are CALM.

“Your mom, this guy Hartley, Betty…” she says. Daniel says that would not include Betty. “She seems a little needy,” Natalie says. And you seem a little crazy, but we let you into our world, didn’t we? Natalie says that when Daniel turned Betty down for the party, she acted fine but really wasn’t. Daniel reminds her that Betty’s ex-boyfriend asked someone else to the party. “Yeah, drama,” Natalie says. Or…shit that happens in real life.

“I don’t want to seem harsh,” Natalie says, totally harshing his mellow, “but isn’t this what you were complaining about? All this stress coming at you and ruining your clarity? I don’t think it’s coming from you.” This sounds like cult talk to me. Or Scientology. Or the Methodists. But not the Catholics – in that religion, everything is your fault, sinner!

Back at Amanda’s, Betty is being grilled by the losers Amanda has assembled. She tells them she’s only been to Mexico once, and one basement-dweller asks if all the women in Mexico as beautiful and voluptuous as she is. Somewhere at Mode Marc gagged without knowing why.

Betty sees someone stealing from Amanda and tells her. Amanda says her “friend” is a clepto but it’s okay. Some guy walks up and says, “Are you into me or not, because if not, I’m going to answer this other ad.” Answer away, baby, answer away. Betty’s starting to catch on.

Guy from coffee shop says, “This is your Craig’s List ad, right?” Betty grabs his phone and reads the ad. “Hombres are you into plus-sized chicas?” She yells at Amanda who looks at everyone and says, “Way to stick to the plan, guys.” Well, it was fool-proof from the beginning, wasn’t it?

Betty’s anger is so strong she begins to create her own worm hole.

Betty is totally skeeved out and tries to leave. Amanda gets in her way and says they should go to some bars. As she storms out, we hear one guy say, “She wasn’t that big anyway.” Nice. Her phone rings and it’s Claire who once again, needs her help.

At some dirty, naughty, dirty once again club, Marc and Willie are walking through the hallway looking for a specific room. I knew they had a thing! No, wait – turns out Investigator has a thing…hopefully it’s not wrapped around his neck like a noose! They bust into a room to take a picture of Investigator in a compromising position, but it’s not our Investigator! It’s the right name, wrong person! What the name of Miley Cyrus is going on?!?!?

Betty stops by Daniel’s office and Natalie says too bad, so sad, we’re leaving for a group meeting, so he won’t have time to talk. “Well, he’ll have to make time, this is pretty important,” Betty says. Showdown at the Mode corral! “So’s his meeting,” Natalie snots back. It’s on!

“Daniel,” Betty says, “I just got off the phone with your mother, she’s really upset.” Daniel says he’s sorry Betty’s involved, but he doesn’t want to talk to his mother. Betty says Claire is really hurting and just wants him to hear her out.

“No offense, but maybe we should just let Daniel work out his own problems,” Natalie bitchfaces. Yeah, that has worked out SO WELL the last three seasons. “No offense,” Betty says back, “but maybe you should just butt out and let Daniel answer for himself.” WOW, way to smack Natalie down, Betty!

No offense, but could you f#ck off?

Unfortunately, Daniel takes his new best friend’s side and tells Betty she’s being incredibly rude and that Natalie is just trying to be a friend. Betty doesn’t back down and calls Natalie his “new friend” with a dash of venom. Schweeet! Daniel totally smacks Betty down saying he doesn’t need this drama in his life. Then he looks at Natalie for approval. It’s really sick. Betty storms out. Suck it, Daniel. “That was really brave,” Natalie says.

He’s one of us now…get the Kool-Aid!

Over at Fetish Central, Willie is digging her heels into the back of Investigator. “This is a better class of shoe than you’re used to, DETECTIVE,” she says. Marc jumps from God knows where and says, “Smile!” but when the Investigator turns around, it’s not OUR Investigator! It’s…Rip Torn? “You’re not Castelar,” Willie says. “Yes I am,” he says, quickly following with, “No I’m not!” Rut-roh.

Reminds me of my budget meetings.

“This is not the man who is blackmailing me,” Willie tells Marc. Then it dawns on her. “Of course he didn’t use his real name. He stole this man’s identity because he knew I would try something like this.” Seriously, is this guy working with Connor? Because kudos!

Investigator is waiting in an alley as he watches Not-Nico stop outside a shop and look in a window. He walks menacingly over to her and grabs her arm. “I’ve been looking for you,” he says. Not-Nico smiles as they kiss! “You were so good with your mother this morning. I almost believed you killed me,” he says. It’s Jonathon! I love this show again!

You saucy little minx! You’re your
mother’s daughter, that’s for damn sure.

“I know she has the money,” Not-Nico says, “But she still refuses to pay you.” She tells Jonathon she knows just how to play her mother. This is triple dog dare awesome! Not-Nico is growing on me!

Back at Casa de Dumpsville, Amanda calls Betty to apologize but Betty is stress eating and is no mood. Betty says she knows Amanda was trying to be a good friend which Amanda knows is total and complete bull. Betty tells her she’s not going and Amanda perks up. Nice friend.

Guess which one barfs after stress eating?

Hilda overhears and she and Justin yell at Betty for being such a sourpuss loser. Betty says she knows no one will miss her – for certain Daniel and Matt who have clearly moved on. Betty, you can move on too – you do have a new job, you know. Take Justin, for God’s sake, at least you’d have fun and his ears won’t take up all the conversation.

Betty says she just can’t walk into the party alone. Justin says she can, it’s “so Julia Roberts from My Best Friend’s Wedding.” Hilda says Matt has moved on, why can’t Betty. Betty gives us that whole song and dance about how things are changing so fast. I am SO TIRED OF THAT STORY! It’s like every time I hear Barbara Walters talk about being the first woman anchor of The Today Show! Oh my God, we get it already! Now shut up!

The epiphany hits Betty. She says she deserves this party and she’s going alone! Justin says he can use one of the dresses from Hilda when she put on a little weight last spring, haha! “I need scissors, thread, and that dress you wore to Archie’s fundraiser! This is my Project Runway moment a and I’m going to make it work!” Amen. It would be cool if this show stayed on long enough for Justin to intern at Mode, then take over for Wilhelmina after her tragic, untimely, and witness-less death.

Party time! Willie’s apartment is decked out in blood red flowers and accessories as Betty walks up in an animal print dress, hair Veronica-Laked to the side, and a neckful of baubles. Nice job, Justin. Someone asks Betty who she is, then noticing she is ALONE, asks who her plus one is…”Just me,” Betty says. Amen! I love going places alone, you just have to do it with style so you seem mysterious and not at all pathetic. You’d be surprised how liberating it is.

Do you see anyone with me? No.
Or did you want to rub salt in my single woundedness?

By the way, did you know that Barbara Walters was the first woman anchor on The Today Show?

Musical montage! Willie looks awesome in a black sequined strapless dress. Pacing in her bedroom, she’s pissed at Marc for bringing all these people into her house. I hear you on that one, I can barely take it when family visits, let alone people I don’t know. “All these people throwing insane amounts of money at children they don’t know, and I can’t afford to save my own child,” she says.

She asks Marc what to do. “I thought I can handle it, but I can’t,” she says. “Well I can,” Not-Nico says as her shoulders walk into the room. “I’m turning myself in.” Yeah, right. “No daughter of mine is going to prison. I’ll have him killed.” Oh my God, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Willie actually killed the previously killed Jonathon for real? That would teach Not-Nico. It would be like a Tales from the Crypt episode!

A carpenter’s dream: Stiff as a board and easy to nail.
Or is it flat as a board? Well, as long as she’s easy.

Marc tells Not-Nico she’s not turning herself in and Willie isn’t killing anyone. “What’s with this family?” he asks. “If you can’t pay, I need to do this,” Not-Nico says. Call her bluff, Willie! Call it! Wait – time for Willie’s speech. Great timing, charity organizer.

Amanda bumps into Betty and freaks out because she didn’t think she was coming. Amanda begins to tell Betty that she’s has something hard to tell her (she’s here with Matt), but Betty says, “They’re here.” It’s Matt with his plus one…wait, what? Amanda is stunned. Betty is hurt. Matt is sooo getting laid.

Sorry! The prom is the next door down on the right!

Amanda starts to say Matt was supposed to be there with her, but then says, “with you, Betty.” Nice save. Betty says don’t worry about it and Amanda says she would be devastated if she were Betty, but we know she thought Matt had asked her because HE DID ASK HER.

Betty asks Amanda what she had to tell her that was so difficult, and Amanda tells Betty she looks pretty. “That wasn’t hard, that was nice,” Betty says. “It was hard for me,” Amanda says. Heh.

Hartley heads over to Claire and asks if she’s still angry at him. She says no but she is sensitive about their past. “Sometimes I think I made a mistake,” she says. Hartley reminds her they were both married, it’s sad, yadda yadda, will he be getting any of Claire-licious tonight, are those shrimp puffs? “That child had no place in this world,” Hart-less says.

He’s so totally going to ask to borrow those earrings.

Yeah, something’s up. Last season, I had the feeling that Claire gave the kid up for adoption and that Hartley and his wife adopted the kid (by accident) and their kid is Matt, which would make Daniel his half brother and would make Betty Daniel’s almost sister-in-law. I love telenovelas! Either way, something tells me that kid is out there – we all had to see this one coming!

Willie stands up and begins her speech. “They usually say I’m in it for the tax break, which I am,” she says. Done and done, let’s get something to drink! Then she says the real reason is that her heart goes out to “those motherless children.” I think she said motherless.

She says a mother never gives up on her child, as Claire looks at Daniel and his new best friend Natalie. She says she won’t rest until she raises enough money to save all those children. “Because that’s what I would do for my own child.” Yep. Not-Nico smiles at her mother. Claire looks at Daniel, Daniel sees her and looks away and Claire takes off. Isn’t the first rule of the cults to separate the weak from their families?

Jesus, scowl much?….Please don’t hurt me!

Betty sees Daniel and Natalie, and she makes a big mistake in my opinion by going over an apologizing to Natalie. Natalie can suck it for all I care (seriously, how finicky am I with these characters?). She says she hopes they can be friends and Natalie says she’d like that. Her phone rings and she excuses herself. Daniel apologizes to Betty because he didn’t realize how hard it was going to be on her. CULT ALERT!

Natalie is on the phone and we hear her say, “We missed one meeting, I told you he had to do a work thing. Don’t worry, I will get him back there.” CULT! CULT!

Matt bumps into Amanda and tells her he’s glad she got in since he ended up with six plus-ones. Is he back to banging a bunch of girls? What a tool! Amanda steps out of character and smartly says, “I didn’t realize you could have MULTIPLE plus-ONES.”

Matt tells her he didn’t think it was fair that none of the support staff got invited. Oh you have got to be kidding me! “You guys deserve to have fun too, right?” First of all, rude to the host and second of all, he should have given them all a head’s up, third, why did he walk in with that other woman’s arm entwined with him? Or is that part of the fun Matt thinks she should have. Nice ears, by the way.

Amanda is pissed. Noticing the two glasses of champagne in her hands, Matt asks if one of those is for him. “No,” she says, taking a drink. Way to double-fist alcohol at a company event. Consider it a career-limiting decision!

Claire is on the phone while holding a business card in one hand. One guess – calling about the baby she gave up for adoption? Yes, I’m sure those agencies are open for those kinds of calls late at night. Like they have nothing better to do with their time than wait for socialites to track down their baby daddy’s baby.

Yes, how late is your clinic open? I’m itchy and scratchy!
No, not the cartoons!

She looks at the card and we see it is a worn and faded adoption agency card from waaaay back when Claire was still fertile. “I gave my son up for adoption many years ago. I want to find him now,” she says. Another layer of intrigue! Thank you writers! You complete me.

Betty is standing alone watching other people dance. Matt comes up next to her with some champagne but it’s for his date. They coordinated outfits. Odd. Anyway, he says to Betty, “That dress is…reour!” That cat sound was really manly, Ears. Betty says, “Wow” as Matt says he wishes he had never done that. The viewers are with you on this one.

Matt asks her who she brought and she says she didn’t bring a date. She tells him she knows things are weird because things have changed, but she’s glad they are still friends. Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” begins to play and Betty is all about that feeling tonight. She excuses herself, goes to the dance floor that Wilhelmina is going to have steam-cleaned tomorrow, and begins dancing with herself. Good for you, Betty, good for you!

Now Mode is free-ranging cubby cheetahs?
That would be a great name for a band!

Next week? Betty dates some bad boy from high school and it looks like she got a crappy tattoo. “I don’t like that guy, he’s a thug,” Papi says. Where is Henry? More importantly…where is GIO?