Ugly Betty: Everyone Hides Something, Except Urinary Issues

We open this episode of Ugly Betty in Justin’s acting class with Carol Kane as his teacher. J’adore her from Scrooged where as the Ghost of Christmas Present she hit Bill Murray’s character with a toaster. Just like they do at the bank when you open an account.

This is your aunt giving you the “I’m pretty sure you’re gay” look.

The real thrill of the day is a “famous” playwright who is speaking to the class – “He used to date a Gossip Girl,” Justin says. Didn’t everyone? Justin introduces Betty to Lily, the girl he likes…much to Betty’s confused look. The speaker? A hot nerd named Zach whose work Betty actually knows! Go figure. His new play is about reinvention and Betty feels like he’s talking directly to her. Maybe because everyone else in the class is 12 and hasn’t finished inventing themselves let alone RE-inventing themselves.

Back at Casa de Engagement, Hilda is spending way too much time trying to figure out how to show off her ring while Betty cleans off the dead-eyed mannequin who witnessed the house fire. If she’s okay, so is the house! Why did they have to move out?

My large doll head came with makeup, not soot cleaner.

Over at Mode, Amanda is trying to get Daniel to speak with Claire and he’s being a big fat baby about it per usual. You know, after everything that family has been through, is a bastard in the family really that upsetting? He hasn’t asked for part of the family fortune. Yet. “The only brother I have is my sister Alexis,” Daniel says. See? A bastard is no big thing.

Willie is telling Marc she wants to do a cover shoot about old New York and Marc says Daniel is concerned about cost. “You spend money to make money,” she says. Yeah, not in my company, you should see my marketing budget. Anyhoodle, Willie sees Betty and says she looks good, then immediately suffers an attack and falls to the ground. “Your stumble into good taste has killed her!” Marc screams at Betty.

Daniel is running the cover meeting until the head of doom – Willie – shows up on Skype or whatever you kids are using nowadays to show off your googly parts to everyone in the free universe. Turns out Willie has a perforated ulcer and needs surgery, but she’s not in so much pain she can’t cause others the same.

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE HEAD BEHIND THE EDITOR!

Betty pitches the reinvention idea and Willie’s ulcer perforates more. She hates the pitch and tells Betty no. Willie puts Marc in charge to do her shoot and Daniel slams the TV off before Willie can call him a mofo. Betty re-pitches her idea to Daniel who originally agrees with Willie (which has to hurt), then says if Betty wants to ask the playwright out, ask him out. Daniel realizes the article will piss off Willie so he gives it the go-ahead.

Which is great for us, this guy is soooo cute. But don’t they all start out that way before Betty gets her grubby little paws on them? Then they become sexual deviants and the like.

Zach totally flirts with Betty and vice versa. He is a total dork with glasses and says he was a dork growing up with glasses and braces (me too! Oh, and so is Betty). Betty says she’s wants to get her braces off, but her orthodontist went bat-shit crazy and she needs a new one. He starts blah-blahing about seizing the moment and they end up kissing. Damn, that girl works FAST. Then Betty freaks because wow – how unprofessional! – and she tears out of the restaurant. Smooth move Ex-Lax!

Classic dork move: Clinking glasses…the ones on your face!

Back at Mode, Justin invites Marc to “scene night” at his acting school and poor Marc is trying to figure out how to get the hell out of going like I do with my relatives’ Christmas pageants. But he’s a good guy and decides to go just to see Justin’s new girl, Lily…and maybe some drama with a boy?!?!?!

Betty is writing her story on Zach and she begins fantasizing about him…that he reads his play to her. Yeah, that must be hot in dork world. Then Daniel catches her and says she really must be in the zone. He totally teases her about Zach and says she’s being kind of weird. Speaking of weird, here comes Zach! Security at Mode continues to suck!

Pssst! You need a breath mint!

At the hospital, Marc is dropping off caftans to Willie with his candy-striper dressed Amanda. Or is she candy-stippered? They drop off the bag next to a body but it turns out Willie’s in the next area – it’s a semi-private room. The HORROR!

It’s like the Perfect Storm of fashion!

Willie wants to go over the details of the photo shoot and once again we now have two photo shoots going. This place is nuts with the spending of the money. They probably saved a ton of money when Connor took it all from them.

In the elevator, Betty is apologizing to Zach and telling him she needs to maintain her professionalism. And she does so by letting Zach shove his tongue down her throat and agreeing to go to dinner with him. Well, a girl’s gotta eat. Hope tongue’s on the menu tonight too, he’s so adorable.

A little too adorable. This is going to go so wrong so fast, isn’t it?

You know the one thing security is doing? Watching them make out on the elevator cams. Awesome. They decide on a secret date – out of the prying cameras of the paparazzi. Let’s see how that goes.

Oh brother. Willie is in her caftan and headband and Marc is working on setting up the shoot when Daniel shows up and asks why the photographer they need to book is already booked for her not-happening shoot. He says she can have it next time, but this time it’s his shoot. Willie is pissed but tells Marc they’ll continue working on this for next month. “Jock strap night at Boy Bar doesn’t start until 10,” she says. “Get out of my head, woman!” Marc replies. Oh, Marc, jock strap night?

Yes, this has relaxing written ALL OVER IT.

Betty’s all excited because Zach wants to sneak her to New Jersey for dinner at an out-of-the-way place. Betty thinks it’s romantic, I think it’s because someone who dates Gossip Girls doesn’t want to be out and about with Sombrero Girl.

Over at Casa de Confusion, Justin is hosting Lily for popcorn and a movie and she brings Austin with her. They start to spar over her when she asks which Romeo and Juliet and both boys say Luhrmann. Because they are so totally GAY.

When they have their commitment ceremony,
I’m totally getting them a toaster.

Over at Betty’s, Zach gives her his orthodontist’s card (a smiling mouth) and they kiss. As he leaves, Betty sees Daniel peering from around the corner. Perve!

Betty begins to apologize and Daniel gets all hot and bothered. He says she begged him for the piece and now she’s getting a piece! She says she has no defense and Daniel says she could lose her journalism license. Betty freaks until she sees Daniel smirking then he bursts out laughing. “You’re so cute when you’re mortified,” he says. He also reminds her he’s schtupping his assistant so who is he to judge. Who indeed, except the brother of a bastard son!

Amanda and Marc are discussing her relationship with both brothers. In her case, does she have to choose? How about an Amanda sandwich? Duh.

Suddenly a doctor sees them and says, “No, not you two!” Turns out it’s Willie’s doctor and he says them being there is causing Willie to take longer to heal. Mostly because people keep punching her to get her to shut up. Amanda wonders if they should kill Willie and Marc says they can’t. “She’ll only grow stronger.” Just like Voldemort! (yes, that Harry Potter 4-day weekend event totally had me tightly ensconced on the couch all weekend…talk about DORK).

Amanda’s hair is like an Escher drawing and I need a Dramamine.

In Willie’s room, Marc shows her some photos as Amanda distracts her with some nonsense. As this is going on, Marc is hitting Willie’s morphine button like a Ritalin kid and she gets pissed right before dozing off. But just as she falls asleep, she sits up and screams, then falls asleep again. Marc says Willie does that every time she falls asleep and Amanda admits she peed a little. Willie probably did too.

I didn’t know chemistry would be on the test!

Over at Mode, Zach shows up and Betty says they don’t have to hide anymore. But honestly – wasn’t that part of the fun of this? Also, maybe he liked hiding you, I’m just saying. He’s a dork, but he’s a cool dork, like Letterman or John Stewart.

Betty tells him that since they don’t have to hide anymore so she’d like to attend his new play’s premiere with him this week. He said he would love that but he’ll have to call his mother to tell him she’s being ditched for his new lovaaah. Betty feels bad and says oh no, no, take your mother, how sweet is that? Sweet for someone totally full of shit, that’s for damn sure.

Marc and Justin are at Marc’s apartment and Justin says he’s freaking out because he has to kiss Lily in a scene tonight. Marc reminds Justin that he likes her so shouldn’t that be a good thing? Justin’s concern is that they have to do it onstage for the first time – there were no rehearsals, and my thought is, get your money back from that teacher! Justin’s concern is that Lily may think he’s a bad kisser. Probably because you are GAY.

Marc gives great advice and tells him to let his feelings take over. “If you kiss someone with feeling, they know it and you know it and everything else goes gray, and you’re the only two people left in the world,” Marc says. Justin says that makes him feel better and Marc says he’s never felt more alone. I wish they’d bring back Cliff!

Betty shows up to Zach’s play with flowers, sits next to a woman, and feels the immediate need to tell this woman she’s Zach’s girlfriend. At first I thought this might be his mother, but it turns out it’s a woman who cannot believe Betty is dating Zach. “Let’s just hope the play’s as good as that story,” the lady says. Sadly, I’m with her on this one.

Zach and other people walk into the theater to applause and Betty stupidly stands up, waves, and says, “Zach! I made it.” Oy. You just know her cell phone is going to go off during a really important scene, don’t you?

Zach looks surprised to see her, mostly because of his mother who apparently had him when she was a fetus. Unless maybe that leggy redhead in the mini-dress is a Gossip Girl? Ouch! Betty deflates – it’s actually visible, like she’s the Hindenburg or something, but with fewer flames.

This would be so much more awkward
if I didn’t have the hot red head on my arm.

Betty decides to leave but the play begins and an actress is actually walking down the isle doing her part as Betty tries to escape. What she should do is just go around the woman and leave, but instead she jumps back to the middle of her row and sits down. She calls this kind of actor entrance cliché. Just like those flowers you brought for your former beau.

Over at Justin’s scene and be seen, Justin, Lily, and Austin are doing their scene and Justin lays one on Lily. Oh, it’s for real except not at all. He’s just that good of an actor.

You know he totally wants to barf. Hope he disengages first!

Back at the hospital of caftans, Willie is cranking away at her Blackberry when her roomie asks her to basically knock that shit off. That WOULD be annoying. Willie says she thought by the woman’s “zombie-like complexion and occasional death-rattle,” she wouldn’t mind. Sounds like me on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Or during the work day.

The woman tells her to save that attitude for the poor kids she tortures all day. Willie says she wouldn’t understand and the woman says she does because she used to be Willie. She was a voluptuous black woman? Because I don’t think so.

“You’re a type-A bitch who doesn’t give a damn about anything but her career,” she says. And your point is? The woman leans over and says, “You are getting old.” Oh, she SO did not say that to Willie. She tells Willie, “You can paralyze your face (ouch!), lift your boobs and your butt and your neck…but you can’t stop time.” She says one day her job will be done with her and all she’ll have is an empty life – no friends, family, holidays, nothing. Willie leans back and thinks hard about the woman said. Will Willie see the light?

Willie! This is your future!
Be afraid, be VERY AFRAID!

Marc gives Justin kudos over the kiss and as Justin retreats backstage, he sees Lily making out with Austin as Austin looks directly at Justin. It’s voyeuristic creepy. And speaking of creepy…

Betty tries to run out of the theater as Zach catches up to her. She says, “It must have been so hard to grow up with a mother who was younger than you.” Nice one! Zach tells Betty the girl on his arm was his agent’s idea. He says no one looked at him twice or produced his plays until he changed his name and got that $500 haircut. They could do the same thing at Supercuts, dumbass!

Betty’s like get bent, dweeb as Zach tells her he has a reputation to uphold, hence the hot girls on his arm. “It gets me press and fills the seats, but it doesn’t mean we can’t go out,” he says, oblivious to the fact that yes it does.

He tells Betty to wait for him after the show. “Be impulsive,” he implores. “Do what you wanna do.” So she punches him. I totally knew that was coming. She throws the flowers at him and leaves him on the floor. FINALLY! Betty grows balls.

This action shot clearly shows she missed him.
He must have fallen because of the strong wind that followed this right hook.

Back at Scenes Part Deux, Justin and Austin are having a very sexually charged (well, sort of) scene where Austin says he just wanted his chance to kiss Lily and he took it. Justin said she seemed into it but Austin says he wasn’t. “It wasn’t like you two onstage,” he tells Justin. Justin admits it was because he’s a good actor. “It was better in my head,” he says. Rut-roh.

They start joking back and forth about the blocking of the scene, then they start pushing each other, Justin says, “You are so in love with yourself,” and Austin says, “Wouldn’t you be?” and then it happens! They kiss. Well, Austin kisses Justin but Justin stays with the moment. Austin apologizes and takes off. Ah, young love. Young GAY love. Thank you ABC, for not skirting this issue, but planting it on us full on the lips! Makes me want to get my Bonnie Bell Lipsmacker!

He gets this from Hilda…easy runs in the family!

Back at Casa de Totally GAY, Betty is showing Hilda the picture of Zach slumped on the floor that has already hit the internet. Schweet. Justin says he’s not feeling well and he doesn’t want to go to acting class the next day. Hilda thinks it’s the excitement but it’s really the GAY. She looks at Betty who has become sad Betty.

Betty cries and says this whole time she thought she was hiding Zach but he was really hiding her. She says on some level she knew this was happening. She says when she moves forward someone is always there to remind her she’s a dork with glasses and braces, just like me only without the braces!

When will this ugly duckling become a swan?
We only have like 3 episodes left, so hopefully soon.

Hilda tells Betty that she somehow has to understand that “this” is her story. “You are who you are and the sooner you are okay with that, the sooner you see what I see,” Hilda says, “the happier you are going to be.” It’s a really nice moment between the two of them and even better, Justin is listening from the stairs. YOU HEAR THAT JUSTIN? IT’S OKAY TO BE GAY!

Daniel stops by Amanda’s apartment because he and his mother got into a huge fight and that leads him to wanting some sweet, hot lovin’. Amanda lets Daniel in as she gets a text from Tyler for dinner when he gets back from meeting his man-sister. Amanda accepts. This is going to get so soap-opera-y ugly!

At the hospital where Willie should be committed to the psych ward for that hideous striped dress made from 1974 leggings, she admits to Marc she had an epiphany. She says her roomie said something to make her re-evaluate her priorities. She says she’s wasting her life working at Mode. She doesn’t want Mode she wants Meade. The whole company.

Oh, Willie, I had to close my eyes too.

“No more nice Willie!” she says. “This has been nice Willie?” Marc asks, probably peeing himself a little. Also, Meade is a conglomerate of publications right? And magazines aren’t folding at a rate of 10 a day, are they? I mean, if I get one more postcard about how my subscription to magazine X has been switched to Elle Décor because my other magazine is now gone, I will spit.

“If I’m going to die, I’m going to die with the most toys,” she says. Can’t argue with that.

Speaking of failing magazines, Zach stops by Mode to show off his shiner and thank Betty for sending him a draft of her article for his review. I think she wanted you to shove it up your ass, but okay.

Zach asks if they can see each other because he really likes her. He’d like another shot. Do you really ask the woman who punched you for a shot? Isn’t that like a 3rd date thing in an abusive relationship? Needless to say, Betty tells him to shove off, good luck, the horse you rode in on, yadda yadda.

Back in acting class, Justin does show up but Austin does not. The teacher tells them Austin dropped out of class that morning. Pussy!

Doctor with smiley-mouth card? I need major dental work done.

Betty pulls out the mouth card and makes an appointment with the orthodontist. You get those braces off, baby! Now all she needs is contacts/Lasik and she’ll be good to go. I know getting rid of my braces and glasses solved all of my problems. Ahem.