When we last left the Ugly Betty, Betty got her braces off, Justin was way gay (finally and thank goodness), and everyone lived in a world without zinc. This episode, Bobby comes on too strong, Hilda’s a Bridezilla, and Justin continues to be way gay.
Bobby walks into Casa de Mauve Bridesmaid Dresses and sneaks up on Hilda who is sitting at the dining room table under a veil (odd). He lifts the veil to get a kiss and it’s Betty – and they both scream. Betty probably more with delight. Betty says it’s probably hard to tell her apart from Hilda since she’s not wearing braces. Yeah, only if you were wearing about 5 more inches both vertically and horizontally, small B.
You look so sexy in that burqa!
Hilda whines that they are behind on the wedding planning (how hard it is to book a trip to Vegas?) and Betty whines that she hasn’t posted on her blog in over a month. God, they’ve turned into whiners. Hilda says she hopes Betty hasn’t been to busy to plan her bachelorette party. Sweet Jesus, I hope we don’t have to see this, I don’t even go to these in real life, why would I in my TV life?
Bobby says his party involves booze, boobs and a bus to Atlantic City, which basically sounds like he’s taking a trip with the people from the old folk’s home. Hilda whines (no, seriously, I wanted to punch her), “Why does he get to travel?” Is Atlantic City really considered traveling?
Betty tells Hilda she scored her a private after-hours champagne tour at the Met. Which would be cool for someone who had class. Sadly, Hilda really needs Chips’n'Nips at the local male strip club. Hilda laughs because she thinks it’s a joke. “That would have been the worst bachelorette party ever!” she says. Yep.
Justin walks by everyone ignoring them and when Bobby asks if he wants a ride to school he says he’s walking with Austin. Hilda is surprised because Justin hates walking and Bobby is worried he did something wrong. Hilda makes the stupid suggestion the boys do something together this weekend…yeah, because there is NOTHING teenagers like better than forced fun with soon-to-be relatives.
Cutting over to Mode where work continues not to get done, Claire finishes pouring tea from a silver teapot as she says, “And that’s my parents in a nutshell.” I bet they were in a nutshell, look at the daughter they raised.
Strange…I never have a second cup with my adoptive parents.
Tyler asks if Claire has had any news tracking down his father. You should have stopped by the office last season, he was all over the damn place with his stupid ideas. Also, you have another half-brother via Hartley, so now you really have one brother and a half-tranny half-caf/half decaf half-sister. Christmas is going to be very confusing this year.
Claire lies and says that the rehab facility where she met Tyler’s dad has been shut down and the records cannot be retrieved. Uh, Claire? If this were actually true, I’d like to think that Tyler would ask you if you remember his name? Because there is this great thing called Google and a show called The Locator and something tells me if you put a little ass in it, you could find him. Also, I believe he belongs to your country club and is #02 on your speed dial right after #01 Hazelden. I’m just giving you options.
In the elevator, Betty is talking to Amanda about the bachelorette party – she says horseback riding, Amanda says naked horseback riding. “Gross and ow,” Betty says, accurately. Although I bet Amanda could put together a great party.
Betty bumps into Tyler and says this whole party-planning thing sucks, because he clearly cares. Then he says that he knows about sucks because his half-brother won’t speak to him and he has zero hope of finding his father. Wow, he wins.
Betty says she’s known Daniel for years and he’ll come around. Then she gets a text from said brat and he’s asking why she’s talking to Tyler. Dude, grow up. Daniel wants to know if Betty’s on team Tyler now. Aren’t we all? Didn’t you see him shirtless? Or was that just a dream I had?
Now, in an unfortunate twist of writing, we begin a storyline that I just had a hard time being interested in. Long story short, Willie has decided to infiltrate the Meade fortune via unsuspecting Tyler and AA. I know, I know. She asked Marc to get her some stuff at the mall so when she goes to the AA meetings she’ll blend in, but he brings back items that will only make her blend in if she’s going to those meetings on Jersey Shore or Jerseylicious or Jersey Sucks and We All Know It Even Though it is the Garden State. Snore.
Marc and Amanda are talking about her upcoming trip to the London fashion week with Daniel as Marc complains he doesn’t have a plus-one for Hilda’s “stupid straight wedding.” Amanda recommends asking that puppy dog boyfriend of his Troy. Marc says he wants to change his name to Trey or Trevor.
Jesus, is everyone doing an Alice in Wonderland episode?
Betty’s all up in Daniel’s business about going to the London fashion week shows because he apparently calls it the “Training bra of fashion week.” Haha. Awesome. He’s actually going because he wants to get away from Tyler. She suggests he send someone in his place so he can stay in New York and get to know his long-lost brother.
Solving two birds with one stone, Betty goes and decides to take Hilda. Hilda is thrilled and tells Bobby to suck on it. He’s going to Atlantic City to see boobs and more boobs, trust me, he probably will.
Wonder Twin powers, ACTIVATE!
Form of: A Whiney Bitch! Shape of: Chub!
And here we are…LONDON, BABY! Okay, that background looks totally fake. Hilda, Betty, and Amanda jump out of the car and Betty is a hot mess of patterns. She must be known for that in Europe because the doorman asks for her by name.
Oh crap, guess who’s there? Christina! Meh! She runs across the street and almost gets killed by a car (too bad he stopped in time) and curses the driver out. So klassy.
SNORE! Over at the AA meeting, Tyler is whining about all the stress he’s been under lately, you know, being wined and dined and whisked off to Paris…his life is a freakin’ tragedy, I don’t know how he hasn’t attached a hose to the limo exhaust and killed himself. And there, in the background, is Willie.
Willie introduces herself as Wilhelmina S. and says she’s an alcoholic. Wouldn’t someone leak this to the press? I mean, one of those lushes must read Mode or Page Six, right? Also, Tyler is wearing one of those 70s sweaters that hooked with the wood pegs through some rope-y type of hook. Seriously?
Maybe you wouldn’t be so depressed if you didn’t dress like a washed-up Whaler, Queequeg.
Ah…finally! Justin and Austin are at Casa de FAAAB-ulous playing video games and Austin suggests they go out on a real date. He’s going to surprise Justin. I’ll bet! Suddenly Bobby walks in (it’s called a doorbell – you aren’t family YET) and rudely suggests that he, Justin, and Papi have a special bachelor party for him. You know Austin is right there and can hear you, right?
Justin tries to get out of it but Austin is cool and says they can do it another time. He’s being pretty nice considering he was just dissed. Great kid. Justin is not pleased. I don’t blame him.
Back in London, Betty looks like Harrod’s old men’s department barfed all over her as someone interrupts them and tells Christina he loved her last show. Amanda says that is the third person who has said that to her. “Do they think you’re Judy Dench?” she asks. Nope…turns out Christina had a fashion show in London a month ago and got some good press. Daniel’s right. London is the training bra of fashion if Christina is hot news.
Would you ever ask Laundry Day Girl to write a fashion column?
Not without her seeing eye dog.
In the bar, Betty sees someone named Lindsey Dunn who is the most powerful publisher in all of Britain, which is like the training girdle of Europe. He stops by and says hello to Christina and introduces him to Betty. Despite the fact Betty looks like a ‘tard in that outfit, he asks if she’d be interested in doing some writing for a magazine he has in New York. He says she could still keep her job at Mode. Well, thanks for that concession, dude. They set up an interview.
Snore! Willie is at the AA meeting sharing info on her estranged family – all estranged because she’s a bitch and they either died to get away from her (her dad), lied, cheated and stole to get away from her (Nico), or went to prison to get away from her (Connor). People just don’t want to spend the holidays with Willie.
Stupid Tyler walks up to her and says, “Miss Slater…” and I’m thinking DUH, no one is supposed to know last names and now everyone knows who she is. Also, he’s acting like he just got off the country bumpkin truck. Willie asks if he has a sponsor then says she’ll be his. Aren’t sponsors supposed to be people who have made it through AA and are relatively on their feet? Not newcomers to AA? Whatever. Now she’s his sponsor and he bites hook, line and sinker. He makes me want to drink!
Betty is talking to Hilda about going to all the fashion shows and how a few years ago she was lucky to be standing behind a pole but now she might actually get a chair! Because she can’t go with the gang today, she put together a list of suggestions of sites they may want to see that you know will bore these three to tears. Just point them to soccer players and beer and they should be fine.
Musical montage of Betty in a chair at the shows, drinking champagne while the other three go to a few places and get odd pictures. They are basically acting like dumb Americans which I would expect from Hilda and Amanda, but Christina! You’re British even though William Wallace spat on the English!
Snore! Willie is serving Tyler in her own fancy teapot and he says Daniel is taking him out on the town tonight. Because when you’ve been shunning someone for weeks, showing them a night on the town should make everything better.
No, really, it’s about this big. Also, I never have a
second cup of coffee with my South Dakota sponsor.
Willie makes a face and Tyler asks what’s wrong. Willie basically says the Meades aren’t forthcoming and that they are terrified that he is going to ask for part of their fortune. “I’m not as cynical as the Meades,” she says. She thinks they will try to pay him off. Then we see a clip of Willie earlier in the day telling Daniel to take Tyler out to make him feel like a big shot, write him out a check, and send him packing. Daniel, always do the OPPOSITE of what Willie suggests. Duh!
You know, wouldn’t Claire have warned Tyler about Willie by now? Seems like she would have mentioned what a conniving bitch she is since it is a big part of everyone’s lives. But, let’s go with hayseed rube and see what happens.
Marc stops by to see Troy/Trey/Trevor to ask him to Hilda’s wedding and it turns out he has a boyfriend. Ouch, that has to hurt. He thanks Marc for being a good first boyfriend and he is sorry he got stalkerish, but now he’s with Brian so Marc can suck it hard…if he had a boyfriend!
Dumped by someone beneath me? How dare what’s his name?
Back at Casa de Betty (WTF? Do they just use her apartment as a hideout or something?), Bobby, Papi, and Justin come in complaining about the noisy place they went to, and now they’ve saved the evening with beer and pizza, which they could have done without the 40 minute trip to Manhattan.
Justin gets on the phone with Austin and heads over to Marc’s apartment so he doesn’t bother them. Or vice versa. He’s a teenager, he doesn’t want to spend his Saturday with the elderly, duh.
Speaking of the elderly, Betty shows up for Hilda’s bachelorette party and now the fun can begin! They begin playing truth or dare and Betty chooses dare. Sucker! Hilda says she wants Betty to “flash that guy” as she points to some guy (who will have a name very quickly). Amanda says, “Yeah, show him your Mayan temples!” Hee. Amanda shows her how it’s done by flashing some guys in the bar.
Betty unzips her tragic top, screams and flashes the guy and he turns around and it’s GIO! AH! The return of Gio! Looking at her boobs, he says, “Suarez?!?!” Betty is horrified. What I find somewhat funny is that he didn’t ever look over and see what all the screaming was in the first place and notice the Suarez party, but I will look the other way since Gio is back.
Which one is Tony Orlando and which one is Dawn?
Goddammit, now I have “Knock Three Times” in my head!
Hilda runs up to say hi to Gio and get a picture of the situation and Amanda tries to open Betty’s shirt to get “Cheech and Chong” back out. Betty gives everyone the look and they head back to their table.
Betty swears she’s never done this before and Gio says, right, “But when in Rome…oh wait a minute, you didn’t go to Rome with me, did you?” Wow! I thought I could carry a good grudge, but damn! I didn’t even remember that. He says she chose “egg salad” over him. I see Henry as more of tuna fish, for some reason. With celery. But no capers.
Gio is in London on a layover to Provence for a “food and wine” trip. You can do those at home, they are called the Pony Keg. Gio says he is going to see the London Eye before he heads out, does she want to go with him? She declines because of Hilda’s party and Hilda runs up and says go, go, go! Hilda says he could be her plus-one for the wedding.
Back in New York, Daniel wows Tyler by putting him in one of the oh-so-eco-friendly Hummer limo. I guess sitting down at the coffee shop and getting to know each other was out of the question? Why does this family continually let itself be taken in by Wilhelmina? They are proving that rule of insanity: doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Stupid Meades!
At least the Meades know how to put the tact in tacky!
Daniel does apologize to Tyler for being such a dick. “It’s kind of freaky to find out you have a half-brother,” he says. Freakier than finding out your REAL brother faked his own death so he could come back as a woman two years later and try to ruin your family for not accepting him as is?
“And my mom, your dad…it’s an image I don’t want in my head,” Daniel says. Seems like Claire left out a pretty big detail when she talked to Daniel. Tyler’s ears perk up as Daniel says he never got along with Hartley but he shouldn’t have taken it out on Tyler. Daniel says Hartley was a huge pain in the ass to the Meades. Why not also mention the OTHER half-brother, the one who dumped Betty to go to Africa? You know, the sexaholic former artist and tyrant boss turned nice guy? Wow, this truly is a telenovela!
Daniel puts his drink down, gets out of the limo to “grease the bouncer” so they can get into the club. I hope he means give him money. Tyler immediately calls Willie for support and tells her that Claire lied to him about his father, why would she do it? “If you could never forgive her, that would be completely understandable,” Willie says. Rube is right, Tyler totally thinks everyone’s against him now.
He says he wants a drink and Willie says, “Slip-ups are inevitable…I certainly know how tempting a perfectly mixed cocktail can be…I can almost taste it right now,” she says, sipping a martini. Worst sponsor ever! She says a cocktail can be like a warm hug going down your throat, which sounds like a painfully almost-mixed metaphor. Tyler drinks what’s left of Daniel’s drink.
WATCH OUT! The space ship is headed your way!
In “London,” Betty and Gio are flirting with each other with the London Eye in the fake background. Betty is telling Gio about the fashion shows she saw and how “innovative” they were and Gio yawns. He teases her about being a “Modie-Robot, a Mo-Bot.” Then he does his Mr. Roboto imitation making fun of her, pushing her buttons.
Betty does her own Mr. Roboto saying, “I am Gio, I am flirting.” Then Gio tells her he’s engaged. “What?!?!?” she asks, with the rest of America. Oh, son of a bitch!
Betty totally calls him out and asks if he doesn’t think it’s weird that he didn’t mention he was engaged, you know, up front. He asks if it hurts because now she can’t have him. Well, you were flirting with her, which was rude, and this does seem like a jerk thing to do to get back at her. I’d expect this from Matt, not you, Gio.
She points out that if she were his fiancÃ©e, she’d be upset that he picked up an ex-girlfriend at a bar and took her on a romantic stroll. I have to agree with her there. Except he points out that she flashed him. Now it’s 1-1.
“Why are you still working at Mode?” he asks. There’s the real Gio. “I thought you wanted to write about things that mattered,” he says. Ouch, and true. But fashion has more bitchiness, right? Unless she wants to recap.
He mentions her blog and how that has substance and she’s surprised he reads it. Well, once she won a Blobby, everyone read it! She tells him she’s an editor now (ASSOCIATE!) and she’s interviewing to write another fashion column. He says, “Wow, that’s a job you never dreamed of.” You know what she does dream of? Paying her bills! And she is paying her bills with Mode and pursuing her dream with her blog.
He says she’s gotten comfortable with all the perks. You know what, yes. Getting free stuff when you don’t have a lot of money is good, it is. That’s why so many of us have a hard time of breaking out of the “all-you-can-eat” mentality after college – we like free stuff when we’re eating mac’n'cheese every night (no offense to mac’n'cheese, I still adore you!).
He tells her that what used to be a means to an end has become her path. She disagrees, he disagrees, she leaves to go back to Hilda’s awesome boob-flashing party.
Back in New York, Daniel is taking Tyler to another club. Does he not know he has a drinking problem? Jesus, you’d think that would have come up in some conversation somewhere…Anyway, Tyler is shit-faced and Daniel makes the smooth move of telling Tyler they aren’t going to send him home “empty-handed.” Daniel gives him a check and Tyler is like seriously? Tyler pushes Daniel, hits a bouncer, then hits Daniel. Sweet.
It’s about damn time.
Back at the London pub, Betty shows back up and says being around Gio was a lot of work, and they all drink because that is their drinking game code word of the night. She grabs a beer and drinks.
The next morning, she is holding a cold glass of water to her forehead as Christina walks up completely fine (her blood is type Scotch-positive). Betty says she doesn’t remember anything after getting back to the pub. This will become important in a few moments. Christina says she remembers calling her first boyfriend and telling him their first kiss tasted of sauerkraut. Do they have that in Scotland?
“Don’t you remember? Seeing Gio gave us all the great idea to call our exes,” Christina says, and if you’re like me, you mind went one place: Betty called Henry. You just know it. Betty says it doesn’t ring a bell. It will, and the bell is being rung by Quasimodo. Christina leaves because she misses her husband and kid, if that’s possible, and she’s gone. Hopefully for good. Also, her outfit is awful.
Back as Casa de Bobby Coming on too Strong, Bobby walks in YET AGAIN to the Suarez house, and by this time, I’d be locking the goddamn door. I mean, j’adore Bobby, but get a life and have some manners.
Bobby tells Justin he got tickets for them to see BeyoncÃ© the next evening and Justin says he’s already going with Austin. Because teens have such a way of scoring hard-to-get concert tickets. Justin says he and Austin are “studying” and thanks but no thanks take care now bye-bye.
Bobby says what if he got another ticket, the three of them could go. Justin finally says, look, I changed my plans for you once, I’m done, I’m not changing them again, take care. Bobby asks if he’s done something or if Justin is mad at him and Justin says, “It’s not about you.” You’ve got that right! “I just…can’t go,” he says.
God! Stop hitting on me! I’m not an alter boy!
Over in London, Betty is interviewing with Big Fat Publisher Guy and he’s impressed. He says, “You are obviously passionate about fashion. I love making someone’s dream come true.” Hmm. Betty starts to think. Betty declines his offer and says fashion is not her dream. “Odd time to be mentioning it,” he says. No shit.
Betty goes on Taxi Cab Confessions and tells this poor man everything that’s happened in the past 24 hours much to his chagrin. She says she appreciates the opportunity but “If you read my blog, you’ll see what I really want to be writing about.”
My thought here? He will read her blog, he will offer her something of substance, somehow it will involve staying near her friends at Mode (the publisher will buy out Mode and add a serious magazine or something), and that’s how we’ll end the series. Writers…you’re welcome!
Back at Casa About to be Caught, Bobby is helping Papi with the groceries (seriously, Bobby, get a life!) and discussing Justin. Papi’s like, are you kidding? A moody teenager? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Finally, Papi says stop trying to damn hard and Bobby agrees. Then he says, “I’m going to go talk to him.” Smooth.
Bobby heads towards the stairs and sees Justin in the vestibule kissing Austin. Justin looks up and sees Bobby and NOW Bobby gets it.
Me likey being watched!
Justin walks in and begins going upstairs. Bobby tells Justin he was thinking about the concert and he can go with Austin. Justin begs Bobby not to tell Hilda and Bobby agrees. Bobby begins to say that he thinks Hilda would be okay with it but Justin says don’t say a WORD.
In London, Betty and Gio are walking down the set street and she admits he was right and it hurt. Hey, she looks really cute! She asks him what she should do if her blog doesn’t take off. What are the chances of that? Everyone’s blog takes off!
He tells her that when she broke up with him, he thought he needed to change himself. He went wild, making all kinds of hideous food. Then he went back to what was important to him – sandwiches. “Bread, meat, bread,” he says. I know there’s a sexual joke in there but I’m kind of in a lunch coma right now.
Anyway, going back to his passion led him to this baker who made amazing rustic sourdough, and they made great sandwiches together…their business took off, they fell in love, and here we are.
He does admit to flirting with her but he knows there is only one guy for her. Wow, the Henry references are hitting us harder than usual…I wonder why? Except I don’t and the phrase is DRUNK DIAL. So, that’s the end of Gio.
Fresh from posting bail, Claire is yelling at Daniel for getting into a fight with Tyler and asks if he knows where Tyler went. Try his cell phone, Claire, you probably bought it for him. Duh. “You should have warned me he was such an ugly drunk,” Daniel says. Claire says he’s an alcoholic so what the hell?
Pray I don’t blink or 2012 will look like a f#cking picnic!
She asks what they talked about and Daniel says his mother, his hometown, Hartley, yadda yadda. Claire’s like, I’m sorry, what came before yadda yadda lobster bisque? Daniel told Tyler everything about Hartley (seems like that would have been a clue to Daniel that Claire didn’t tell Tyler about Hartley – that Tyler knew nothing at all about the situation) and Claire is like, I swore I’d never tell Tyler about Hartley!
Over at Willie’s lair, she’s laying out a perfectly good breakfast that she’ll probably barf up later. Tyler walks in freshly showered (hope she saw him nekkid!) and he says that the Meades tried to buy him off. Tyler, use your head. If that was Claire’s real fear – that you’d take their money – she wouldn’t have gone looking for you in the first place. Or she would have paid you off faster when you showed up. Now, I have candy and a puppy and a van – want to go for a ride?
She’s probably talking about setting a bucket of kittens on fire,
but all I can focus on is that rooster. Chickens crack me up!
I wonder if she’d take $20 for it?
Willie says that’s terrible and what is he going to do now. “I am going to take from them what is owed to me. My share of Meade Publications,” he says. First of all, he isn’t owed that. Second, when he sees the balance sheet, working at a bar in South Dakota is going to seem like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Also, what is kind of scary is how evil he seems to have gotten so quickly. Also, how do you go from being pissed off about being bought off to demanding what you didn’t even earn just because you came from rich sperm and egg? Odd. Unless…maybe he’s part of a huge plot by the Meades to get Wilhelmina out! Oh, telenovela brain, is there any end to what you can think up?
Back in New York, Amanda comes into the apartment yelling for Marc. He’s curled up on the sofa, partially eaten pizza in front of him, as he tells her Troy/Trey/Trevor broke up with him. Amanda tells him she wants to be a stylist for real, so she’s quitting Mode. Good luck with that!
Betty heads into Mode to drop off her reviews of the shows and tells Daniel he can read all the gory details of the trip on her blog. Daniel admits the evening with Tyler blew up in his face but he’s talking to his mom. “Whoa! You flashed Gio in a bar?” “In my defense, I’d been drinking. And at least now I know all my ex-boyfriend craziness is behind me,” Betty says. Well, not that far behind…
…as we see an answering machine – a what?!?!? Do they even make those anymore? I digress…we see an answering machine button being pushed. There is one message and it’s drunk Betty calling someone holding a stuffed animal – HENRY! “I’m in London and I’m thinking about you (burp). Sorry, that was a hiccup not a burp. Hilda’s getting married and I’m wondering if you’d want to come to the wedding as my date. Call me,” she says. You’d better hope to hell crazy bitch baby mama didn’t hear any of that…
Tuna fish! You’re back!
And I’m guessing she didn’t, because previews of next week show Hilda’s very expensive wedding (I’m guessing mafia family paid for it), a Dynasty-esque fight between Claire and Willie (including pool!), and Henry showing up with Henry Jr. Also, someone shows up with a gun but this is a comedy, so HAHAHAHA.