Ugly Betty: Four Mexicans in One Apartment? LUXURY!

We open this week’s Ugly Betty with Hilda, Justin, and Betty all brushing their teeth together because God forbid they should wait 90 seconds for someone to finish. And where does Hilda need to be that she couldn’t wait longer? Betty is wearing an unfortunate purple sequined beret (seriously?) that luckily both Justin and Hilda end up spitting on when they all decide to rinse. This is why there are so many holiday alcoholics – because of families!

That’s one way to remove a beret.

Betty runs around looking for her computer and it turns out everyone has been playing with Betty’s Apple – not a euphemism. Since the fire, entire family Suarez has been bunking with Betty, turning her cute apartment into a frat house. Seriously, what a mess! Have some manners, guests.

Justin skips breakfast because now that they are living in Manhattan it takes him “a month to get to Queens” for school which is funny because Betty just seems to bounce back and forth between work and Queens ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Hilda says she was emailing her clients to come to Betty’s place for their Beautilities and I’m thinking, WHAT? Where are you going to take care of them? And how many people are going to head all the way over from Queens to get their hair and nails done? Are there no other salons that can tease hair that high in Queens? Also? Rude.

Out in the hallway, Betty bumps into Daniel in his skivvies as he is picking up the newspaper outside of Amanda and Marc’s apartment. My first thought was, who the hell in that apartment gets the newspaper?

Marc and Willie are walking to work (wtf?) and Willie is wearing just as tragic a hat as Betty, only hers is in jester form. Oy. She suddenly stops because she sees someone she knows – Donald Jones! He calls her Wanda and she has to correct him. Turns out they haven’t seen each other in 25 years…he just moved to New York and he didn’t call because the newspaper listed her as a “power-hungry fashion Nazi.” They know her well.

Okay, which wardrobe consultant is on LSD?

Over at Mode, Justin has apparently decided to skip the month-long trip to Queens to talk privately to Marc. In an office with glass walls. Marc thinks Justin is about to confess something gay (since we continue to play that game), but it turns out Justin confesses to burning down the Suarez house. He said it’s because he smoked a cigarette in the house and he thinks that’s what caused it. Dun-dun-dunnn.

But let’s go to contestant numero dos: Papi. He’s sitting with Amanda for some odd reason, telling her that he never actually hired an electrician to wire the chandelier, he did it himself and he thinks that’s the reason. Even though the fire was in the beauty salon and the chandelier and light switch showed NO SIGNS OF FIRE in the last episode. Having said that, any dimmer switch can only handle 600 watts of lights, which I learned after installing one with my own Papi and putting in 900 watts of bulbs. It’s surprising how hot a light switch can actually get.

Now contestant numero tres: Bobby! Hilda is driving somewhere with Bobby, probably to Hell, and she flat-out asks Bobby if he burned down the house. He says no. She asks if his family did it. He tells her for the last time (not quite) that his family is not in the mafia. I thought he was Hispanic? Aren’t they too busy landscaping to be in the mafia? But then I remember his character’s name is Italian and the whole mafia thing now makes more sense.

Guess who’s still at Mode? Tyler! Shouldn’t he be headed back to the Dakota from whence he came? Daniel sees him and is pissed he still there and Amanda says he’s there to “decorate her world.” Just like George Clooney for me. Daniel wants Amanda to find out why Tyler is still there.

Goddammit, I just laminated my list of five and now this.

Betty is in front of Willie who is flanked by two identical Asian men with cameras, like a won-ton Oreo appetizer, pitching the idea of having Lady Gaga model Mode’s line of prescription glasses. “We’re calling it ‘Lady Gaga’s Lady Goggles,’” Betty says too proudly. Willie tells the Asian duo they are not calling it that and she wants to see more pictures, less talking. I love how they are supposed to have full mock-ups of an article they are just pitching. What a waste of time.

Betty opens her computer to show the mock-up only to reveal a bag of flan. Because when Papi packs Betty’s lunch, he puts flan in a baggie then slams it into a computer. Of course, the flan did not stay in the baggie because he didn’t use Ziploc and now it’s everywhere. Or it’s because of the law of physics that states that two solid objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

Flan or baby poo? Either way, it’s in the crevasses for good.

Betty tries to explain what happened and Willie is nauseated. Betty clicks on the Lady Gaga folder to show everyone her great idea and a video Justin has created to that annoying song of Lady Gaga’s comes up and it’s bloody creepy. Also, where did he film that, Betty’s apartment, because clearly she has one whole empty room she’s not using. Perhaps she could slam a few sleeping bags (and flan bags) into that room so family Suarez doesn’t spill out into the living room so much?

Betty offers to get her flash drive and Willie says sure, take five minutes to get the flash drive so you can give it to Tracy, “Who is taking over this account!” This is an account or a features piece? Because they seem to cross the line a lot. If it’s an account, why isn’t the sales or ad department handling it? This magazine is so stupid sometimes.

Betty heads over to the Queens firehouse (how long did it take to get there?) that handled her family’s conflagration (see? I paid attention in Vocab!). She wants to see when the report about the fire will be completed so they could get the insurance check. How about making a call to the insurance company to check that? I’m sure Pedro Serrano would be happy to provide that info. And it would be faster.

Betty meets with firefighter doof and says the insurance company said they can’t cut the check until the fire inspector releases the report. Oh, okay, so she did call. I hope Pedro Cerrano was nice.

You know, if Jesus Christ COULD hit a curve ball,
and it went through a window in your house,
I bet the Good Hands people would cover it.

The firefighter grabs a clipboard and says the report was filed today and Betty is thrilled. Then he laughs and says, “I’m kidding you, it’s a takeout menu.” Yeah, because having your home burned and smoke-damaged and not knowing when it’s getting fixed is freakin’ HI-larious. Betty, play along and tell him a 9/11 joke, see if it’s reciprocal hilarity.

Then he jokes her name is “Betty Salami, right? HAHAHA,” what a douchebag, is he governor of New York? See, at this point I’d push past him and find a human. He tells her the inspection for Casa En Fuego is at the bottom of the list but he’s the captain and can make anything happen. Then he laughs and tells her it’s another joke.

“If you keep falling for my jokes, I might just fall for you,” he says, winking, making a shooting thing with his hand, and making a clicking noise with his mouth. This…is why I’m single. Well, that and the whole not-sharing-the-remote thing. And boys are messy.

Betty looks around him and asks if there is anyone else she could talk to as she tries to walk by him. He apologizes and says his aunt is an assistant fire inspector so he may have some pull. Yeah, like on the chain he’s jerking Betty around with. She doesn’t buy it but he says that it’s true and they could grab some dinner and talk it over. Or, she could grab an attorney and shove the inspection so far up your ass your breath would smell like printer cartridge, how about that?

I’m looking for someone who has a dick, not IS A DICK.

Betty swallows the vomit in her throat, blinks, and says she’s flattered but no. So he says, enjoy being at the bottom of the list and walks away. Wow, does he even need to hook up a fire hose when he fights fires or is his douchey-ness enough liquid to quench those flames?

Back at Mode Willie is tearing up some mock-up and tells the person that the only reason she’s not being fired is that she “Finally discovered concealer. Now get out.” Willie uses this to show Marc she can actually be nice. It’s all relative, people.

Marc and Willie have a nice moment together discussing Don – Willie says she enjoyed being with a simple man and Marc says when she said that her face just softened, but I think it’s the collagen. Also, need I remind Willie – CONNOR, CONNOR, CONNOR!

They contrive to make Willie seem nicer so she can get Don back. “Dust the old girl off, take her for a spin,” Marc says. I hope he’s talking about nice Willie and not something else.

In the mean streets of Manhattan, Tyler is thanking Claire for the lunches, the dinners, and the “gentleman’s facial,” (is that what you kids call it nowadays?). He says he feels like he’s freeloading but Claire says he’s not. He gets back into the limo that I’m sure it taking him back to some back-alley hostel he can afford.

“I AM FREAKING!” Amanda says as Tyler’s limo speeds off. She confronts Claire and says she knows that hottie Tyler is Claire’s son and wants to know when she’s going to tell Daniel. Claire isn’t sure but says Tyler won’t stay in New York without a job. Hmm….what to do, what to do…no wait, Mode is flush with money now, right? Hire him as eye candy! Do it! DO IT!

Amanda recommends hiring him as an in-house test model. Huh? Oh, that means eye candy. Done and done!

Back at Apartamento Suarez, Hilda asks Betty if she can use her apartment for a dinner party so she can meet Bobby’s parents. Or – just a thought – they could go to a freakin’ restaurant instead. It would neutral ground and you won’t be creating a fire hazard in Betty’s apartment.

Betty fesses up about the firefighter and moving to the top of the list and Hilda says she should do it. Betty’s like, I’m not that kind of girl, then they both walk in on Papi showering. Uh, duh, why doesn’t he have the shower curtain closed? Betty’s going on the date. Ick.

Somewhere between “MY EYES!” and “OH THE HUMANITY” sits Hilda.

She walks up to the firefighter, Jimmy, and he says, “They always come back.” Oh, that is nasty. When Betty tells Marc about the date, he tells her to institute the SAADD system, which is “Skip appetizers and don’t drink,” and if I ever dated I would totally use this.

Amanda is in the closet taking pictures of Tyler, including of his ass, and Amanda squeals that she knows about Tyler being Claire’s long-lost son. “We don’t have girls like you in South Dakota,” he says. Yes, that’s because anyone with even a pea-sized brain leaves for warmer climes. Duh.

Apparently the wardrobe consultant is into codpieces as well.

Willie is on the phone with Don and is trying to set up a date. Luckily, Marc is on the line too to help coach her through what I will call average people’s dates – when she recommends a restaurant that always holds a table for her he shakes his head and she has Don pick the place, when she wants to send her car to pick him up Marc motions for her to change it to a smelly cab. This is going to be an exhausting evening for her.

Daniel sees Amanda with Tyler and she tells him that Tyler has been hired as a test model. Since Daniel does that hiring (really? The editor hires test models?) and he didn’t hire him, and Willie didn’t hire him, who did? Amanda distracts him by pulling him into the bathroom for germ-y sex.

Back at Apartamento Suarez, Hilda and Papi are ready for the dinner party and for keeping an open mind. Until they open the door and the Corleone family is there. They bring cannolis for dessert and Bobby’s dad tells Hilda to be careful taking them, he has “blood on his hands.” From a papercut! Then the mother says they would kill for those cannolis. Well, the important thing is that you avoid the stereotype.

I’m sorry, why do people think you are a mafia family?

Betty is at a restaurant waiting for irritating Jimmy when her phone rings and it’s him. He’s crying and says he went into a building and things got really bad…Betty falls for it until he yells “Gotcha!” from behind. What an asshole. Hard to believe he’s still single. It’s for different reasons than why I’m single.

Betty says it’s an hour wait for a table and he says well, let’s get appetizers and drinks but Betty recommends a falafel from the corner vendor. Hot. Walking through the restaurant, she bumps into Willie who is with Don, and Willie introduces Betty as a “friend from work.” Betty looks surprised. Run Betty, the crazy’s coming from inside the restaurant!

Turns out Willie and Don were about to be seated – in a booth built for four! Time for a double-date! And here we go.

At the table, the waiter brings them a Scorpion, a drink they all get to share with four huge straws. Hope they all got their flu shots! Betty asks how Willie and Don know each other and it was from years ago (although they never really tell us how). Don admits he’d be afraid to go out with the famous Wilhelmina Slater that the tabloids seem to write about. “I heard she put out a memo firing anyone with a visible mole,” he says. She laughs, because clearly it’s true.

This has Cootie Alert written all over it.

Back at Chez Awkward Moments, Bobby’s mother says they are sorry about the fire but now with the insurance money she can buy some upgrades for her salon. You mean like real stylists? “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Bobby’s mother says. Does she have a name and I just missed it? “That’s just what Bobby said, ‘gift horse,’” Hilda says. Dun-dun-dunn.

Bobby recommends putting marble floors in the house, which is going to make Justin’s mincing a little unsafe. He says it will look good with the crystal chandelier and Papi says he may not keep the chandelier. No kidding, I bet he could get good money on eBay with that.

Bobby’s dad says if they do want to go with marble, they have family in construction, which Hilda immediately jumps on. “Really? Family in construction?” Hilda, it’s waste management you have to be worried about. Bobby’s dad’s phone rings and he steps out into the hallway. He begins to argue with someone and uses the word “morte” (or muerte, however it’s spelled in Italian), then he says out loud, “I’m really going to kill you.” I must be in the mob too, given how many times I use that phrase to co-workers.

Back at Scorpion Drink Central, Betty tells Don, “Well, if someone’s having a problem, Willie’s probably somehow involved.” Willie gives her a look. “And if there are tears, she’s there,” Betty coyly says. Man, that has to feel good. Willie laughs and says work is really like a family. Well, probably more like most families today, if you consider the number that end up on Dr. Phil.

Betty plays her hand. She says that just yesterday she screwed up a pitch for Lady Gaga (we get it, product/people placement people, it’s Lady Gaga!) and any other boss would have taken her off the account but Wilhelmina told her to try again. Willie laughs. Then she says the best part is that Willie is still letting Justin meet Lady Gaga. “He loves her almost as much as he loves Wilhelmina,” she says.

“You know what would be such a cool thing? If Wilhelmina called Justin and told him herself!” So she makes Willie get on the phone and she tells Justin to be at Mode so he can meet the Lady herself. “She seems very excited,” she says about Justin. Heh.

I’d shoot lasers from my eyes but the Botox paralyzed that too.

Bobby is opening a bottle of wine and Hilda is still freaking out about his parents. She says every time they open their mouths, a dead body falls out. That apartment must be reaching capacity by now. Then Bobby fesses up that his parents thought she was a bit of a slut in high school. Well, that’s true. And if that’s true, then could it be that his family IS in the mob?

In the ladies room, Betty apologizes to Willie for doing what she just did (and to avoid being killed in the biggest bathroom in Manhattan), and Willie says, “Playing the Gaga card was the first time I ever respected you.” Newborns play the gaga card a lot and I have no respect for them.

“Now it’s time for you and your chubby municipal worker to be on your way,” Willie says. Translation: You’re ruining what’s left of my sex drive. She does tell Betty she thought she could do better than Jimmy. Betty fesses up why she’s really out with Jimmy. Oops!

“Betty Suarez, using a man to get what she wants? You ARE full of surprises tonight,” Willie says. And full of scorpion, too. Betty scoffs, but face facts, you are whoring yourself to get your family out of your apartment. Who could blame you after the flat flan?

Wah-wahhh. Daniel is in bitching to Marc about Claire hiring Tyler. Really? Because you have this kind of time on your hands? And why you gotta be a hater? WHO CARES? Then Daniels says he’s not really that hot. Marc corrects him and says, “First of all, he’s crazy hot, and second of all…” he shows Daniel a report Suzuki just did on Claire Meade’s May-December romance with a hot new model – turns out it’s Tyler. Claire’s sleeping with her bastard son? Or could the media be confused? Is Suzuki reporting for Fox?

Like Campbell’s Soup, Tyler is Mmm-mmm-good!

Daniel storms into Claire’s office where Tyler is reading a magazine and confronts him. Daniel says he’s not going to stand by and watch Tyler take advantage of his mother. Daniel tells him to leave and then they start fighting like only brothers can – slap fight! Tyler says, “Are you going to tell him or am I?” Claire fesses up, “He’s your brother.” Oops! So one brother is now a woman and the other one is boinking your mother? Therapy patient, thy name is Daniel! Also, they aren’t boinking, but it’s funny to consider.

Claire, do you like gladiator movies?

Back at the restaurant, Betty and Jimmy attempt to take off and Jimmy asks if Willie and Don want to come with them for dessert and karaoke. Betty tries to get Jimmy out of there and Don says that karaoke sounds like fun. It is SO not, Don. Don thinks Betty doesn’t want to be alone with this guy, which makes no sense because it would seem Jimmy’s actions show HE doesn’t want to be alone with HER.

Finally Willie loses it. “No! Betty is not my friend and I’m not going back to some tenement mud hut in little Mexico!” “I live in Chelsea,” Betty says. Willie finally fesses up that she’s a total and complete bitch. She tells him her favorite moment of the day is throwing out her breakfast muffin in front of a homeless person. My favorite moment of the day is seeing the highway sign that tells how many people in the state died on its roads…Friday it went up four people between lunch and when I drove home! WEAR YOUR SEATBELTS, MORONS.

The Scorpion made them do it!

She admits that the only reason she really liked him was the amazing sex, so, if he’s into that, then she wants to get it on, otherwise, shove off. “And this time, I’m on top.” Don says he’s good with that, so Betty and Jimmy take that as their hint to leave.

At Betty’s apartment, she finally fesses up to Jimmy that she’s only on the date to get her family’s name moved up on the list, not because she likes him. Plus, he’s an ass. “You’re using me?” he asks. She’s like seriously, you said your aunt was a fire inspector, you all winky and clicky, what the hell? He tells her he doesn’t need this, he’s America’s hero (not unless you were really there, big guy), and he’s not taking her back. AND her family is moving to the bottom of the list. D’oh!

Back at Chez Bastardo, Daniel is screaming at his mother about how she never let him know about this other brother. Daniel said they thought she was in rehab – she was away for a whole year (really? Couldn’t she have just worn really blousey outfits and gone that last trimester?). Finally, Daniel asks who the father is. Then it dawns on him – it was Hartley!

“I spent my whole life thinking you were the victim. My relationship with dad was crap because I took your side. It never occurred to me that you were just as screwed up as him,” Daniel says. Really? The alcoholism and attempted murder situation never tipped you off?

Over at Marc’s apartment Justin and Marc are continuing their discussion from earlier in the day and Marc says it’s not like Justin to smoke. He said he was doing it to impress someone and once again Marc gets his hopes up. Justin says that special person’s name is….Lily! Dammit to hell, ABC, just make him gay. Just do it.

At the dinner party, Hilda asks Bobby’s mother if she’s done with the puttanesca. “Honey, this isn’t puttanesca,” she says. Okay, rude. “Well, isn’t it puttanesca when I serve it? I mean, it is whore-sauce, right?” What the hell? Bobby’s like, “HILDA!” and suddenly all hell breaks loose.

If it’s not her legs it’s her mouth she can’t keep shut!

Hilda says they have some nerve coming to see what kind of person she is when their mafia family burned down her salon. Wow, that was a leap so big even the Grand Canyon is like, damn, Hilda, get a grip. Betty and Justin walk in just as Bobby’s parents are getting up to leave. The entire group is screaming at each other.

Bobby wants to figure out a way for everyone to get along because he plans on spending his life with Hilda. Oh brother. Suddenly Papi says he’s the one who started the fire. He tells them about the chandelier and not hiring an electrician – then Hilda gets all pissy about her salon. Then Justin admits he was smoking and Hilda gets all pissy about him smoking.

“At least now we know it wasn’t my family,” Bobby says but Hilda still ain’t buying. Betty screams that it doesn’t matter who started the fire, they can’t start turning on each other, they’re not the Donner party for Christ’s sake! It doesn’t matter if it was the faulty wiring, smoking, or the mob, “No disrespect,” she says. They just have to get through it.

“It was a curling iron,” Jimmy says. Who let him into the building? He tells her he’s sorry for being such an ass, he did want to go out with her, and they did the inspection yesterday. It was a curling iron. So they all look at Hilda, but she prefers Velcro rollers. Justin reminds Betty she had a curl in her hair that day…the culprit was BETTY! She left the curling iron on, set it by a wig, and caught the place on fire.

The dead eyes of wig girl saw it all.

But let’s think about this…it shows Betty curling her hair before work – trying to decide if she wants two curls to frame her face or one curl to make a statement. Then Hilda calls her. But intelligent viewers will remember that the fire started when she had that anxious new designer over and they were working out her show – it was the END OF THE DAY when the fire started. Oh, writers. Do you not have a white board you can use to keep track of things like this?

Back at Daniel’s house of woe, he calls Amanda from the office and asks to see her, but she’s busy. WITH TYLER! They are in a cab heading out somewhere…she tells Tyler Daniel is actually a good guy. They are sooo totally going to do it.

Hilda apologizes to Mafia Mom, she apologizes to Hilda, and they all plan to start fresh until the next argument and they can bring this up again like a huge grudge that only we women can hold. Hilda turns to Bobby and wants to talk about him saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He says he only said it to calm everyone down. Ouch!

“I know you’re not the flower and candy type of guy, but if there ever comes a day…you’d better do it right,” she says. Oh my God, he is totally going to propose to her! Watch! Watch! He calls her name and when she turns, he’s on one knee with a ring box. “I’ve been carrying this around for weeks,” he says.

For the love of God, does anyone know how to un-laminate something?!?!?!

“I lost you a long time ago. I won’t let that happen again,” he says, “will you marry me?” She of course says yes, because what else do you say to the mafia? Also, the ring is huge and gorgeous and he’s hot so it’s a done deal.

HOLY SHIT SAY YES!

Back in the apartment, Hilda and Bobby share the good news and the light shining of the rock on her hand lights up all of New York. Papi welcomes Bobby to the family, because again, what else do you do with the mafia?

Only five episodes left…next week Betty makes out with a four-eyed cutie and Daniel says she could lose her journalism license. He’s so dumb. See you then!