Ugly Betty: Get the Fast Forward Ready!

Oh my God are you kidding me? We open Ugly Betty with Betty scrubbing some guy’s head and that is NOT a euphemism. She’s working in Hilda’s shop where apparently Hilda has schedule 50 appointments for 7am. I only guess at the time because both Betty and Justin are still at home and since they go to work and high school respectively, seems like it would have to be that early for both of them to be home. So two questions: Why is Hilda’s Beautilities open that early and what the hell is she thinking scheduling that many appointments at once? Well, at least she’s working. Am I ever happy?

Way to wash that man right outta HIS hair!

Betty’s client says he likes it rough, but only on the weekends. Have you met Hilda? Betty smacks this guy, Sammy, on the head. Justin offers to stay home from school to help out, and he begins a manicure. Oh, I’m sensing health code violations everywhere if you have an unlicensed manicurist on staff!

Hilda says she’s not booking all these appointments to save money for Justin’s private school that he won’t be able to get into because he’s too stupid from skipping public school. She does have a point, however I think Justin was denied entrance to said fancy school because of his lack of talent, not lack of finances.

Papi walks in and gives everyone a sweet snack and coffee on the house, because nothing says sanitary like eating and drinking at a salon. He turns to shampoo Sammy and asks if he’s heard about Betty’s big promotion. She tells him she got promoted to associate features editor (WE GET IT ALREADY), but “I’ll be back to assistant in no time,” she says.

Betty says she’s the only one without something going into this month’s magazine and I have to say, you’ve been in that job like what, two minutes. Calm down. Also, she says that Matt is killing all of her pitches, which I would probably just take to HR. Betty has a huge case against this guy – total and complete harassment. Plus, his ears are huge and that is a distraction.

“Matt is a spoiled bitch,” Hilda says. Everyone yells at her but she hit the nail on the head with this one.

Sammy tells them he’s working in fashion. Turns out he’s working on someone on a condo for a designer named Evan York. Justin asks if it’s the same designer who works at Dolce & Gabanna and he says, “He must be because I heard him on the phone and he’s leaving the Dolce and going to the Gucci.” To which Betty comes flying back into the room.

“What?” Betty asks. Sammy says it’s supposed to be a secret. Good thing you said it out loud at a hair salon in Queens. Those bitches will take it to the grave. Right after they tell everyone they meet on the way home and on Howard Stern.

Betty’s all like if you could get me the first interview of the creative director at Gucci, I’d actually be able to keep this shit-can job. Sammy says he can hook her up with the interview. Hilda says that Sammy was supposed to hook her up with a new salon chair but it is nowhere to be found. I think what he said was he wanted to hook up with you in a salon chair, Hilda.

Over at Mode Amanda says, “Claire and Hartley killed the Cotton Club shoot and now baby Hartley called an emergency meeting.” Oh, baby Hartley. Betty runs between them and they say, “Heyyy,” except Marc’s is, “Haaaaate you!” He said he’s totally pissed that some mon-chi-chi is waddling into a meeting he should be in.

“You are oozing self pity today,” says Amanda. “Something’s up OHMYGOD happy birthday!” Marc shushes her and says no one is to know it’s his birthday.

Betty goes into the meeting room and they do that whole musical chairs thing. Why don’t you bring your own chair, mon-chi-chi? “Matt, is there another chair?” LOOK AROUND then see my previous sentence, dumbass. Matt tells her he had another chair brought in – the bean bag chair. Of course, Betty sits in it and flies backwards. Maybe Matt just wanted a little look of the good stuff?

For Show & Tell, I brought my hootie!

Matt tells them there is an opening in this month’s magazine so he’ll be taking pitches all day. Betty asks him to repeat that because clearly she has gone stupid, then when she gets the gist of it, she texts Hilda to get Sammy to call her. Matt, displeased with Betty’s disrespectful mid-meeting texting, asks her to pay attention.

Betty says that while she was shampooing some guy’s hair this morning, he gave her a lead on a story. Interestingly enough, I didn’t catch the creepy-sounding-ness of that comment until everyone got quiet and looked at her. “It wasn’t creepy shampooing, my sister owns a salon,” she says. Yes, everyone cares.

Betty tells Matt she might have a good pitch and Matt’s all like, “I can’t take ‘might’ to Wilhelmina.” Fraidy cat! Betty says that his comment feels a little personal. Matt says he’s just trying to keep his job just like she is. Dude, if Daniel’s nepotism has kept him here for three years, you have nothing to worry about with Daddy Warbucks at the company. At least he likes you. He also tells her the U.N. fiasco made them both look bad. “So which one of this is taking this personally?” I’m still on YOU ARE.

Amanda and Marc have been watching this whole thing. Amanda says Betty and Matt are so in love and she wants that. Marc says he just wants her job. They both gasp and Marc says, “Are we obsessed with Betty?” Wilhelmina spats, “Yes, and it’s exhausting.” Where did she come from, the air? She’s like freakin’ Voldemort.

“That psychedelic misfit toy is living my dream,” Marc says. Wilhelmina advises him to take back what he thinks was his. Marc tells Amanda he never thought about destroying some one for himself. Really? That’s my life motto. “That’s called low self-esteem,” Amanda says. Good point.

Claire is bandaging Daniel’s hand and says she can’t believe his hand is still healing (from hitting Matt). Daniel says it’s as if Matt’s stubble fought back. Well, he does have that Homer Simpson thing going on. Maybe Daniel punched Matt’s ear? I bet that thing could kick Daniel’s ass in a fair fight.

Betty walks into Daniel’s office and he ducks under his desk. Except that it’s a table on four legs and Betty can totally see him. Matt has nothing to worry about in terms of job loss if this toolshed is at the helm. “Hate my new desk,” Daniel says. Yes, it’s all the desk’s fault you’re an idiot.

Betty reminds him he’s supposed to be at a support group meeting. I want to remind Betty she’s not his assistant and she might consider working at her new job. Claire gets all up in Daniel’s business about it and he says some sad bereavement group isn’t going to help him get over Molly’s death. Well, plus he is a celebutard. He probably should see a counselor privately because you never know who might go to the press with this.

Betty says that as much as she would like Daniel to punch Matt in the face, “really hard, right now,” she needs him to go to the meeting they have this afternoon since he missed this morning. Bereaved people certainly have free schedules. Betty threatens that if Daniel doesn’t go, she’ll carry him to the next one. She could do it what with her freakish upper body strength.

Marc is on the phone and says to Betty, “Remember how when editors were in meetings how all their calls get forwarded to the assistants? Remember how irritating it was…please hold for your sister.” Haha. He puts Hilda through and Wilhelmina says, “When you are done listening in on Betty’s phone call I need my coffee.” She’s always one step ahead of everyone!

Marc grabs the phone and begins to listen. Hilda tells Betty that Sammy came through with a big interview with a big designer for Betty at 4pm. Betty says if she can get the story today, she might be able to get it in this issue. Marc gasps and Hilda’s like bitch, did you just burp at me? If she did I bet it would smell like taquitos!

Hilda recommends rubbing this in Matt’s face but Betty thinks better of the situation and keeps the story to herself. Hilda hangs up and Papi says he needs someone to cover a busboy shift at the restaurant. Hilda asks for it because she needs the money for the school Justin didn’t get into. Papi says he needs a busBOY but Hilda says she can do a good job. If she could give a good job, Justin would be in that school tomorrow. Papi agrees and you know hilarity will ensue, much like on I Love Lucy or the healthcare debates.

Back at Mode, Wilhelmina is about to blow a gasket because Matt is pitching Mizrahi’s TV show and Cindy Crawford’s skincare line. “Am I in the 90s?” Willie asks. She tells Matt she knows fashion isn’t his thing, but he should try to fake it better. “Get out!” Marc leaves handing Matt his folder, then he pulls it away…hands Matt his folder then pulls it away. Those two would make a great couple.

Willie’s phone rings and she answers, “Tell me something good, I’m not having a good day.” “You are now,” says the disembodied voice from hell. “I found Connor. Feel like a trip to Bermuda?” Oh my God I was just there in May…did I pass Connor by the pool? Me-ow!

“You’re leaving now?” Marc asks as Willie packs her bag at the office. She says she’s going to make Connor an offer…he can either come back to the U.S. with her armed bounty hunter and face trial or he can give her what’s left of the money so she can buy out Claire and Daddy Hartley. Either way, they can have sex, right?

This emergency negligee will seal the deal!

After Willie leaves Marc decides to focus on his new obsession, Betty. All he knows is she has a mysterious meeting with someone at four. He tells Amanda he’s not going to let Betty get the story and “if she doesn’t get something in soon, her job is as good as mine.” If only Marc spent more time getting a story, he might actually be able to give the story to Matt who might run it and make the decision to get rid of Betty along the way. It’s a win-win for everyone, really.

Amanda wonders if Marc is upset because he’s older than Betty and he freaks out on her and tells her not to mention the birthday anymore. He turns and runs into Betty and a huge crowd – Betty is holding a cake with A LOT of candles on it – and they scream “Happy Birthday!”

Marc is horrified. “Oh my gosh,” he says, acting happy. “How’d you know?” Betty totally and completely RUDELY says, “When I was an assistant I did it but now that that’s YOUR JOB,” Marc blinks uncontrollably, “but because it was your birthday I thought I’d do one more.” That was totally and completely rude. Betty, I would expect that from me, not you. Geez.

“You’d never get yourself a cake,” she says. “You get me, you really get me,” Marc says with that going right over Betty’s head. “Make a wish,” she says. Marc leans down, looks at the candles and we see Betty’s head in flames as he blows them out and she becomes engulfed in flames a la David Sedaris.

When you are engulfed in flames that means you went to hell.

Okay, sort of bored with this storyline, hence the fast-forwarding the first time I watched it. Daniel is at the bereavement session and I think it would be hilarious if he met someone who started a Fight Club. Instead, to prove that he’s at the session, he asks some woman to tell Betty via his phone, that he is actually at the session. The woman? Jamie-Lynn Siegler dressed as Helena Bonham Carter (both three-named chicks) from Fight Club. Jesus, am I thinking of everything now?

“A crappy school. Support group. This phone smells like cheese,” she says. Limburger? Because that’s what it looks like Daniel would smell like right now.

Then Daniel stands at the door but doesn’t go in. He turns to leave and Faux Helena catches him. She’s like bitch, I vouched for you. “Don’t rope me in then make me a liar,” she says. “That’s rude.” So he’s stuck going in.

Bitch, get yo’ sorrow ass back in there and punch Brad Pitt.

Back in Bettyland, she’s at Evan York’s condo with Sammy waiting for Evan to show up. Sammy was cool enough to call Evan and tell him he has to pick a shower tile today or it’s going to hold up construction 2 weeks. Good thinking! I want this guy around during an emergency or if I ever need an alibi.

“He’s a little ticked off,” Sammy says. Betty says it sounds like Evan doesn’t know he’s going to meet her. When did you wake up? Of course he doesn’t know! It’s an ambush, like 60 Minutes and you look like Andy Rooney. And Mickey Rooney. And sometimes Mickey Rourke. Just less handsy.

Evan comes into the condo saying he’s made a thousand decisions today he doesn’t want to make anymore. Then get to Nebraska, jerk. He looks at a piece of board with a bunch of blue tiles. “That’s it? Twelve shades of blue?” he asks. “I can’t be doing this today, would someone just pick a tile? Someone?” He sees Betty. “Who the hell are you?”

For your pleasure, text Betty at 10039. She’s sexilicious!

Betty introduces herself and tells him she works at Mode magazine. “I’m a features editor there,” she says, which is not correct, she’s an ASSOCIATE features editor. She’s only said it 5,000 times since last week. “I’d like to do a story on your transition from Dolce & Gabbana to Gucci.”

Evan freaks out and wants to know if people are talking about it, who’s talking about it, how she knows. She says she’s the only one who knows and he can’t figure out how until he turns and sees Sammy. Sammy says, “Don’t look at me like that, she’s a good kid. She’s a friend from the neighborhood, she’s just trying to save her job,” he says. Aw, that was cute. Betty should screw him next.

“And how are you going to save your job?” Evan asks. Try getting another contractor with a heart of god in New York! Betty tells him not to fire Sammy, he was trying to help her out. She gives Evan her card and says she hopes he calls her. “I can’t even pick out tile. How am I supposed to decide in three seconds (who gave him the timeframe?) if I want to give my story to an 11 year-old (ha!) editor who broke into my house.” There’s your answer right there: Moxie! Give her the story!

“Just put them all up. I like all of the blues together,” Betty says. Evan turns to the tiles and says, “Why do I like that?” Betty tells him she stole his idea. She reminds him that’s how he shows his suits, by making the tie and shirt a similar shade as the suits so people focus on the suits and not anything else. Just like Regis YEARS ago.

“We’ll have dinner tonight and see if we’re a good match. If we are, we do the story and if not, you don’t break into my house ever again,” he says. What a deal! Betty jumps up and down and screams although she probably should have waited for Evan to get out of earshot.

Back at group therapy hell, Daniel sneaks out of the support group to find Faux Helena in the hallway. “Couldn’t take it either?” Daniel gets pissed because she’s sneaking out of the meeting she made him go to. Normally they are good, “but this one sucked so hard,” she said. Don’t turn him on!

Faux Helena bitches about some woman who was there complaining about losing a 100 year old grandmother. “Try losing someone your own age,” she says. “Yeah,” Daniel agrees. “You too?” she asks. Pause. “These doughnuts are old as hell,” she says, and she offers to treat him to some fresh ones. I hope she means doughnuts.

Marc is sitting at Betty’s desk trying to hack into her computer. He tells Amanda he wants to find the story so he can kill it. Maybe if he spent this much time finding his own story, he could beat her out of her job legitimately. I know, I know. Where’s the fun in that?

For passwords, he tried burger, cupcake, Menudo, and Daniel’s Lady. Gross! Betty catches him and he covers by saying he was writing her a thank-you note. And an apology. He tells her that ever since she got this promotion, he was letting his jealousies get the better of him. “Can we go back to being…whatever we were before.” She says that’s why she got him the cake. “We’re still…whatever we were before.” Except you so totally aren’t!

“So how’d that big meeting go?” he asks. She covers but stupidly says, “We’re having dinner at my dad’s place,” which I think she means where her dad works, since it’s not actually HIS place. “Where does your dad work again? Frankie’s?” Marc asks. Oh crap.

In Bermuda, Willie is waiting outside of Connor’s hotel. Marc is on the phone and tries to tell her about Betty, but she passes the phone to Bounty Hunter. She takes the phone back and says, “Everyone has their Achilles heel. No one’s is more obvious than Betty’s.” Marc looks up and sees Betty avoiding Matt. He goes to talk to Willie but she’s hung up on him. “I try to be a good friend, but there’s a limit.” Been there!

If you are looking at Connor naked,
you’re going to need bigger binoculars!

Amanda is leaving when Marc jumps in front of her and tells her he has a super-fun way for her to prove her worth at the company. She says it’s nighttime and he can tell her tomorrow. “That doesn’t sound like a woman who wants to be taken seriously,” Marc taunts. “That sounds like a woman who wants to go out, get drunk, fall in bed with a man she doesn’t love and come back here to answer phones for the next 20 years.” Ouch! And? True!

Then he goes to Matt and asks if he remembers how he brought the ideas to Willie and she shamed him in “the worst way.” He tells Matt he doesn’t know anything about fashion and “as long as Willie thinks you’re here because – no, that’s not important,” Matt interrupts and says that sounds important, and Marc says, “because you just want to be near Betty. But relax. She only thinks that because everyone else does.” Pure genius, that Marc.

Marc suggests Matt go to dinner with Amanda to learn about fashion and he tells Amanda that this is the perfect opportunity for her to show off her knowledge to the billionaire owner’s son. He makes reservations for them…hmm…where again? Oh, yes, Frankie’s. Mayhem? Time to ensue!

At Frankie’s Betty’s sister brings them drinks and calls her Ms. Suarez and Papi brings appetizers on the house and Betty has to admit to Evan that they are family. Otherwise, the service would suck hard!

Look, if I’m going to do you, I need some liquid courage first.

Betty begins the small talk when who should walk in but Matt with Amanda on his arm. It throws Betty, and we are about to experience the most uncomfortable, irritating, non-creative five to seven minutes of TV this week outside of The View. Evan puts his hand on Betty to check in with her since she’s gone all lobotomy on him, Matt sees it, Betty sees Matt, and here we go.

The exact moment Matt becomes a serial killer.

Evan turns and sees Amanda waving. He tells Betty she turned so white he thought she saw a gunman. “Or a Kardashian.” I would have turned the episode off, deleted it, deleted future tapings of this show, had a shot of tequila and gone to bed. Betty tells him it’s nobody, then fesses up it’s her “boss slash ex-boyfriend.” Slash ex-boyfriend? There’s a Freudian slip all women could probably get behind at one point or another. “And that’s my friend slash ex-roommate.” Betty, it’s not Freudian anymore.

“Ooof!” Evan says. “And they’re on a date?” Betty scoffs and says no. She starts babbling like an idiot. At the other table, Amanda asks Matt if he wants to go somewhere else. When he asks why she’s like dude, Betty’s on a date five tables away. Matt scoffs at it being a date.

Evan’s phone rings and he excuses himself. Hilda flies over asking if that is Matt. Well duh. Hilda might consider getting up and working and not getting Betty all riled up during an important interview. Betty should have gone to Tavern on the Green. Out of her budget, but she would have matched the busboys there. She tells Hilda to keep her mouth shut, particularly about Betty’s interview. Isn’t this where Lucy started eating all the chocolates and hiding them in her uniform?

So Hilda heads right over to Matt and yells at him for being on a date with Amanda. Matt’s like, grammar-less bizzitch, this ain’t none o’yo business. He might not have sounded that ghetto, but Hilda sure did. Hilda tells Matt that Betty’s on a hot date of her own.

That is the worst Rosie Perez imitation I’ve ever seen,
but you are just as irritating.

Betty continues to hold her own right now. Don’t worry, she’s going to blow it. Oh! Did you not see that coming? Betty tells Evan that if he releases the story to the press, the excitement lasts a day. But if she can do a feature story on him, he can show off his designs with a huge announcement and it becomes a whole event. Wow, that was good. She’s really thought this through. “Makes sense,” he says.

Then he starts talking to Betty about his designs but when he looks up he sees Betty not paying attention to him because Hilda is waving like a crazy person off in the corner instead of working. Go figure. Betty excuses herself to go speak with Hilda and she tells her what she told Matt. Hilda, Betty is trying to do an interview, LEAVE HER ALONE!

But instead, Betty focuses on the fact that Matt said (but not really) he was on a date. Now Betty’s all upset which should make the rest of the interview really fun. Hilda says to rub her date in Matt’s face. Morons! This is where I got out the remote and poised my thumb for fast forwarding.

Betty walks back to her table and sees Matt, he sees her, he stands up to pull out Amanda’s chair for her, and Betty sees it. Betty runs into a waiter who dumps a sizzling pan on a customer and then has the brilliance to PICK THE DISH UP. Smooth. Evan is impressed. Or saddened by your clownish ways, who knows.

Oh great. Daniel and Faux Helena are on a park bench talking about dead people. You know what I see? I see dead ratings! Daniel’s whining like a little bitch about feeling helpless, trying to figure out what comes next, blah, blah, blah. Faux Helena says he needs to find something that works for him. What about finding something that works for US, the viewers? Like shutting the hell up and getting back to work?

Faux Helena says as far as mourners go, she falls on the needy side. Oh, good, they’ll be dating soon. Or she’ll be working at Mode, same diff. She tells him each day she does on thing each day to feel really alive. You mean like breathing? She says a lot of things that make her feel alive are illegal. Excellent.

This cup of blood is delish. When I’m done here, I’m getting a cup outta you!

Daniel tells her this story about how when he and his brother were kids, they used to summer in the Hamptons. Already I’m bored. They used to sneak into the neighbors’ pools at night and swim which he says was weird because they had their own pool. What’s weirder is now your brother is your sister who is on a show that’s about to be cancelled, and once again you are going to follow in her footsteps.

Anyway, he said doing that made them feel like the coolest kids ever. Aw, sweet. If I weren’t so damn bored. Faux Helena says she hasn’t done her alive thing today. What will they do? What will they do?

And another reason this episode was so cringe-worthy…Hilda comes up behind Betty and says she has to get a picture of “my little sister’s first big meeting.” Are you kidding me with this? How professional is this not at all? Betty is acting like an idiot and an amateur and she deserves to lose this interview. But instead Betty scooches over next to Evan and Hilda keeps saying too loudly, “Squish together, squish together.” If I were sitting anywhere near them I would ask to be moved, Hilda is so distracting with her idiotic antics.

It’s like they’ve been married for years: She has a headache
and he’s thinking real hard about how he can
bang the server before the check arrives.

Back at Matt’s table, Amanda wants to know if he wants to talk about designers, trends, or “only what I and a few Japanese girls know about.” Yikes! Matt says he wants to know about everything but wants her to try the salad, as he shoves a huge piece of lettuce at her. Unfortunately, Amanda gets all of her calories from dessert. That’s my girl!

Suddenly Amanda gets something in her eye! Wow! We’ve never seen that boring or trite a storyline before! You know what should happen? Matt should try to get it out of her eye in such a way that it looks like he’s about to kiss her! I bet no writer has thought of that before! Hey! Guess what!?!?!

Watching all of this, Betty decides to sit next to Evan to show him the things she did at Mode which is what? The online stuff? She keeps looking at Matt and twitching wildly. Can I get another table please? PLEASE?

Back in Bermuda, Willie is in the bathroom (why isn’t she in her own room?) on the phone telling Marc what a disaster the trip has been. Connor has already checked out! Sucka! Willie blames her “bargain bounty hunter” and she says she wants a new bounty hunter and this time “I prefer one in brown,” she says. Neutrals are very chic, Willie.

She hangs up the phone and we hear, “Hello Willie!” Jesus, I hope he’s talking to Wilhelmina, we ARE in a bathroom you know. It’s Connor! How I’ve missed him…but he looks thin. Tan, but too thin. Still hot, I’m just wondering if he was trying out for The Talented Mr. Ripley Part Deux.

He makes my knees weak, and I’m sitting down!

Willie goes to call someone and he deftly takes the phone out of her hands. He says, “I just want to catch up a bit before you call the goon and start the blackmailing.” Say-what-now-huh? She says she has no idea what he’s talking about. He tells her to stop pretending, he’s known every move she’s made since he’s left. Did he see her on the boat with Not-Nico, because if so, I’m guessing she’s going to be giving Connor HER money instead of the other way around.

“You know, I may be a crook, but my feelings for you were real,” he says. Well, he’s got us there, doesn’t he? “I thought you felt the same way about me.” Willie tells him that any feelings she had for him died when he stole all the money. She yells that she put her life into that magazine, “everything I had, and you took it. Left me with nothing!”

In his crook’s logic, he says he didn’t take from her, he took FOR her. Yes, muuuch better. “Come away with me,” he says. She says he’s insane. He says, “I’m happy, are you?” Well, how could we tell with that Botoxed forehead of hers? He tells her when she’s ready to pursue another life – with him – she should “put it out there” and he will find her. “But not until then.” Odd conversation, but okay. Much more interesting than that shemale Daniel’s woes.

“Oh, and one more thing,” he says, grabbing her and kissing her. Now that’s what I’m talking about! He hands her the phone back, smiles, and walks out of the bathroom. He didn’t wash his hands!

I’m not sure which one to envy more!

Meh. Daniel and Faux Helena sneak onto the rooftop of some building, probably the Meade building, turn on the lights (smooth) and are going for a swim. They’re kings of the world, snore. Faux Helena is taking her clothes off when Daniel says he’s not ready for sex. Oh, Daniel, it’s not always about you or your well-used wiener.

Faux Helena is like dude, my boyfriend overdosed two months ago and I didn’t shower today so you’re safe. Toolshed. Also, she’s now using this pool as a bathtub. They strip down to their underwear and jump in.

Gigantism of the nads is no laughing matter
even though I’m cracking up.

Amanda is drinking champagne on top of her martini and gets off the phone. She tells Matt, who is still sitting with her, that the caller was Marc and she told him that Betty is a sloppy drunk and she’s getting all handsy with some dude. Matt laughs fakely.

Back at Betty’s table, Evan says, “That is when I sprouted wings and flew directly into the sun.” Lucky jerk. Betty laughs fakely. Betty drinks her wine too fast then chokes on it, spits on herself, and I just don’t know how she can continue to get laid.

Evan is pissed and he says, “You want to go see what’s going on back there, go, this meeting is over, goodnight.” Betty begs him to stay but he leaves. Shocking, I know.

Betty flies over to Matt and Amanda’s table and says that she doesn’t know and doesn’t care what they are doing but what they did tonight was “unforgivable.” Please, you’re the one who acted like the total amateur. Amanda’s confused per usual and Betty says, “That’s so you Amanda, you just throw yourself at the nearest billionaire.”

Matt throws down with Betty and says they weren’t the ones drawing attention to themselves. No shit. I would never go to this restaurant again, the patrons are nuts.

Betty says Matt was all over Amanda, Matt says Betty was all over “that guy.” Amanda stands up and is like, whoa, I get this now. “To flirt with me is one thing, you’re a man, I’m a woman, it happens. But do flirt with me to get back at Betty…” she motions to herself, “Nobody uses this…” then motioning to Betty “to make THAT jealous.” She’s got a point. “I guess I was stupid to think you actually wanted to hear what I had to say.” Oops. She leaves.

Matt and Betty start arguing and who shows up to usher them into the kitchen but not-working Hilda. I bet the busboys hate her.

Betty screams that what she was having was a meeting, a very important meeting that could have resulting in a story for the magazine. “Who you might have recognized if you weren’t at Mode for any other reason than to torture me!” Now the cat’s outta the bag! And sitting on Betty’s head!

She tells Matt she worked really long and really hard for this promotion and he is ruining it. “You are ruining something that means so much to me,” she says. “I know I am and I can’t help it,” he says. Oh, get back to therapy, Baby Hartley!

He’s not hiding the huge zit on the side of his face
very well with that bandage.

He says he’s doing it because he can’t stand the fact that she’s so happy when he’s in so much pain. Oh, write a song about it and go bang someone else. It’s not like you haven’t had the practice. “You’re not some spoiled rich kid who can’t handle it when he doesn’t get his way, but apparently that’s who I am.” He says he knows he’s ruining every chance they had to fix their relationship (ya think?). He leaves and Papi who clearly has nothing to do during the dinner hour but counsel his daughter.

“I don’t know what just happened,” Betty says. Please don’t make me rewind the DVR, it was painful enough to watch this one time. “He told you who he is,” Papi says. Truer words were never spoken. Except “Connor is hott!” That’s truer.

Ebony and ivory? Living together in perfect harmony?

Matt stops by Amanda’s apartment to give her one of those black and white cookies. He apologies for being a douchebag and says she has “considerable wisdom” (spit take) that he could really use. That gets her toes curled. “You’re a smart, interesting woman, and should be treated like one.” He goes to leave and she grabs the cookie, smiles and slams the door. All is well in Amandaland.

Back at sad-sack café, Daniel is blathering on about not getting to say goodbye to Molly and Faux Helena asks why he has to say goodbye. “Why can’t we continue to have those relationships, but in a different way?” Um, because those people are dead and it’s harder to have a conversation with a pile of ashes? Yes? No?

But if you wanted to have sex, I could spank you like this.

“Why don’t you talk to her. Talk to Molly, right now, under the stars,” she says. Daniel’s like no way and I’m with him. “Don’t be such a dude.” No, Daniel, be a dude, it’s okay. Looking at the sky, Faux Helena says, “Was he always this much of a douche when you knew him?” Okay, she may have said wuss, not douche. Daniel is finally peer-pressured into speaking to a dead character.

“Hi Molly,” he says. See, originally this is where I fast forwarded. Actually, I used it about 3 sentences earlier. He says he’s sorry he didn’t get to say goodbye, he needs to stop being so angry now, he was afraid if he wasn’t angry enough she’d think he didn’t care (SHE’S DEAD!), he really did care, so much, he still does, yadda yadda lobster bisque I barf the end. “I bet she gets that,” Faux Helena says. “Feels like she does,” he says. Oh, feel this.

Back at Amandaville, Betty comes by to apologize. Amanda says, “I only went out with him because Marc said Matt was insecure about work and it would be a really good opportunity for me to step up…” Betty’s giving her a quizzical look. “Wait, Marc set you up?” Betty asks. Yep. “Did he tell you to go to my father’s restaurant?” “He made the reservations…” Betty rolls her head as Amanda gasps and says, “Oh my God that bitch!”

Bitccccccccccccccch.

Betty tells Amanda that after she left, Matt broke down and told her things and she could see the good guy underneath those huge ears and scruffy face. She asks Amanda if she’s right about him or if she should just move on. Amanda looks at her uneaten black and white cookie and I know she’s going to tell Betty to go back to him.

“Honestly, Betty, I think it’s time you moved on,” Amanda says. Oh my God you bitch!

The next morning, Marc walks into Betty’s office and asks how her big dinner went. She said it sucked balls and that Elle just got a great story she worked hard to get. “Please don’t pretend to feel sorry for me Marc. I know exactly what you did. And you know what? We both deserved to get this job but I GOT IT. So deal with it. And act your age. Your NEW age,” she says. I love her dress! Her waist looks so petite!

Walking down the hallway dejected, Marc bumps into Amanda. “Hey Mand—-” WHACK! Amanda slaps him across the face but good. “You don’t use me for your little schemes,” she says semi-crying. “We use people together. I’ll text you when I’m over it.”

Nice shot! Lots of guys getting bitch-slapped this season.

Marc walks into Willie’s office to welcome her back. Hope she got some of the good stuff! He asks if she’s okay not finding Connor and she says she wins some, she loses some. He tells her he won his, but nobody’s talking to him now. “Scheming is a lonely business,” she says.

Scheming is tough…thank God we’re beautiful.

Back in Daniel’s office, Claire asks if he’s smiling. So they did have sex? Betty walks in and notices too. He says he feels a little more alive today. Well yippe-f#cking-whoop. He asks how Betty’s meeting went and she said, “Not very good,” which should be “Not very well” and she probably shouldn’t be writing for a magazine. Maybe TMZ.

Musical montage! Betty walks by the features conference room where Matt is overseeing the bean bag chair being removed and a real chair being brought in. He sees her watching and he slightly smiles. She slightly smiles.

Yes, this looks like a job that needs supervision.

Next week? Betty’s a wiener and Marc is the bun she must jump into. I wish I meant that figuratively.

Don’t be sorry, sad-sack. You can always scheme again!