Ugly Betty: Iron Chef Ignacio and His Magical Molé

I think many of us have those days where we try on everything on our closets and nothing looks good (and by “many of us” I mean women). That is why I use Garanimals. But can you imagine how difficult that must be for Ugly Betty? I mean, that poor girl has nothing but hideously heinous clothes to choose from. Every day must be that day for her!

Unbelievably, there are no words.

First off, hello Gasmii, sorry for the late recap, but I spent last week with tissue stuck up my nostrils while sipping cough syrup through a straw, and was unable to keep my head up long enough to write (or care) about Betty and her exploits. Also, all the sneezing was starting to clog up the keys on my keyboard. Back to the recap. Betty goes from one ugly outfit to another, and I seriously consider driving to New York to push the show’s designer into traffic. Luckily, Betty decides to go the simple route – dresses all in black. And it’s still hideous. “Wow, Betty, who died?” Hilda asks. The costume designer’s career! Betty says she didn’t want to look too cheerful because everyone at work is depressed due to the financial crisis. They are probably too busy working on their resumes to even know there is one.

Why, God, why is this color combo necessary?

Hilda says she doesn’t know how Connor could steal all that money from the company and no one even noticed. I would say the same thing, but I think it has become clear we’ve ALL been burying our heads in the sand about a lot of financial things lately, so I’m willing to let this go. I will miss Connor’s huge, huge feet, though.

Using chicken breasts as big as mine!

Papi starts yelling at a chef on the TV about wiping mushrooms instead of washing them, which is a weird, weird segue but let’s roll with it. The show he’s watching is called Kitchen Rumble and involves a chef who competes with regular people to see who has the best recipe. Winners get money, losers get this chef’s leftovers. I wish Barefoot Contessa would do that, I would kill to walk away with her pork tenderloin. Papi says he would totally kick this guy’s ass in competition but why would he need to? Casa Suarez doesn’t need the money!

Betty mentions she’ll be late tonight because she’s going out with her “new friend” Matt. New friend as in LUVAH! They all make lovey-dovey noises at her and Betty blushes. Or develops a rash. She says she likes him and “thinks there’s something there.” She asks the family for one last once-over before she heads to work and they all say she looks perfect. Then she turns to leave and they all see the huge rose/flower/growth on her ass and it’s ruined. “So close,” Justin says. Like she really needed that extra bulk on her behind, too.

Betty’s roids are really getting out of control.

At Mode, Betty is on the phone with Matt who asks, “Did you get the gift I sent?” If you have to ask, she didn’t, or it sucked so bad she didn’t want to call you to thank you. She has to put him on hold to talk to Daniel and he asks for coffee with cream and a couple billion dollars so the company doesn’t go bankrupt. At least he’s not greedy.

Not one to let a scab go unpicked, Betty asks him about Molly. Didn’t she die last week? I still think it would have been awesome if she had been sitting next to Connor on the plane when he escaped, both of them sipping yak blood cosmos. Daniel says Molly is making a decision about her treatment and wants to be left alone. Good, then let’s get back to fixing the company.

Oh, good, here comes Betty’s gift brought by the only person in the Mode offices getting paid this week, the messenger boy! It’s a big jar of jelly beans with a heart-shaped balloon. Just what every chubby girl with braces needs. Wouldn’t a six-pack of Slimfast been a better option? He could have gotten chocolate-flavored.

Mirrors everywhere give Betty thanks for the break.

Betty gets back on the phone and says, “I just got your jelly beans!” Matt says, “So what does your face look like?” Well, soon it’s going to be chubbier and more broken out, thanks. “My face is smiling!” Well, maybe that will help at the unemployment office.

Wilhelmina and Marc are walking down the hall when Willie spots someone wearing gladiator heels. She asks the girl if she is living in ancient Rome or if she’ll be fighting a lion later, which you know, could bring in some money for the magazine. But unfortunately, this girl is doing neither so Willie demands she take off those nasty shoes, tells Marc to burn them, and fires the girl. I’m sure it’s a real blow to be fired from a company who isn’t even paying you anymore.

Marc decides to do a mental check on Willie which goes over as well as you might think. He asks if she’s upset about Connor breaking her heart “just a little bit” but she says no, her mood is more about the fate of the company and the fact that her newborn baby won’t STOP CRYING! I hear ya, Willie, I’m just glad I don’t hear that baby. And shouldn’t you be taking some kind of maternity leave, or was that benefit withdrawn with things like the 401(k), health insurance, and oh yeah, paychecks?

Willie tells Marc to pick up a few things for baby William and Marc says, “I did not sign up for this baby business.” He looks at Willie’s list and says, “Cashmere diapers, is she kidding?” I hope so, they would be very leaky. Amanda is all about shopping at baby stores because she loves sitting in the baby furniture and pretending she’s a giant. Whatever gets you through your paycheck-less day, sister.

Amanda answers the phone (for once) and tells the person on the other end of the line to stop calling her there. “Leave me alone, you psycho!” she says. Wonder if she’s talking to Edgar Winter from last week? No, turns out it’s her mother. Oh, like we all haven’t said that to our mothers at some point or another.

Marc tells her that it’s been a year, would it be so bad to reconnect with them? Oh, yeah, I forgot about that storyline once Gene Simmons left the show. She’s still pissed her parents lied to her about being adopted, and I’m sort of thinking she should get the hell over it. I mean, did you see their house? And she’s an only child. Be angry AFTER you collect whatever they leave you in their will, duh.

This storyline is getting as irritating as the real financial crisis.

In Daniel’s office that evening, he optimistically says, “The bad news is…our insurance doesn’t cover us for a loss of this magnitude.” Next time you should start out asking everyone how their weekend was, then go into the demise of the entire Meade Corporation. Also, I did check into this via my financial connection (a.k.a. “Dad”) and there is something called Board of Directors insurance for when your top managers screw you Madoff-style and Daniel is actually correct, it would not cover something this large. Sucks to be you guys. Are those rats I see running out from the Meade lobby?

“And the good news?” Claire asks. Daniel says there is no good news and Willie is all up in his business about knowing how the good news/bad news concept works. Daniel volleys back, “If you’re looking for good news why don’t you ask your boyfriend, Connor?” Willie snots that Daniel stole Connor’s fiancé so no wonder he wanted to steal from them, Daniel says she was dating him so how could she not know what he was doing, and Claire steps in and tells them if they don’t stop arguing she’s going to turn this car around RIGHT NOW!

Claire says that thousands of people are going to lose their jobs if they don’t fix this. Claire’s great idea? “A federal bailout.” Oh you must be kidding. I mean, I can barely stomach bailing out the current jerkwads, but a fashion magazine? Suck on it, I’ll just order Elle or Vogue or Bazaar or InStyle or Lucky or W or Cosmo or Glamour or Mademoiselle or Allure or Marie Claire. Get the picture?

Luckily, Claire was lucid enough this morning to read in her paper that the federal government is holding a panel hearing to consider a print media bailout. Because they are unaware of this series of tubes called the internet that is taking over print? This is going to be rich, unlike the Meades at this point.

Over at Casa Suarez, Betty comes in the door with Matt who has loads of time on his hands if he’s seeing her all the way back to Queens without a car. Hope she puts out for him to make it worthwhile, although I’d rather have Papi’s Spanish omelet than Betty if I were a guy. Matt says considering he left his wallet at work and made her pay for dinner, seeing her all the way home was the least he could do. So she had to pay your subway fare too? Also, this is getting mildly suspicious. I could see leaving your wallet somewhere once, but twice, and both when you were out with someone? Time for Dumpsville, Population: Matt .

Jealous of the spoon, Matt?

Hilda shows up eating ice cream (and kudos to keep her real-life baby bump under wraps) and says, “Don’t mind me, you must be Betty’s new friend Matt?” and then she licks the ice cream spoon. She really needs friends of her own. “I’m her sister,” she says. Matt says, “Betty, you didn’t tell me you had a sister.” And Hilda goes all ape-shit until she realizes he’s joking. Actually, that was pretty funny. Now shoo, Hilda! Matt kisses Betty, thanks her for dinner, and takes off because Hilda is a great form of birth control.

Hilda wonders why he was thanking her for dinner and Betty has to explain that he often forgets his wallet. Hilda has to give her the same speech I just gave and Betty says he’s just absent-minded. She tells Hilda about the jelly beans he sent her at work and Hilda says the same thing I was sort of thinking, “What kind of cheap present is that?” We’re being set up, aren’t we?

Justin flies into the room with “something he found with the mail.” A death threat against Betty’s wardrobe? No, an eviction notice from the landlord giving them until the end of the month to vacate the house. What the hell!?! Did they get behind on the rent with Papi’s medical bills? Doesn’t Betty still have the $100,000 in her account or was she stupid enough to give it back?

Did Hilda really have to read to the end to know what this was about?

The landlord comes over and says he hates doing this to them. Maybe he’s being foreclosed on? Papi says they’ve lived there 25 years which makes me ask why the landlord didn’t stop by to tell them this since they probably had a pretty good relationship. By the way, the landlord looks like a Hispanic Mr. Rogers.

It’s a terrible day in the neighborhood!

Turns out their landlord IS having money problems and has to sell their house to his “idiot nephew” who is going to turn it into a recording studio. That should go over well with the neighbors. Mr. Mexi-Rogers says if they can match his nephew’s offer, they can buy the house instead. Betty jumps all over that because with only her working (don’t act like Hilda is) and supporting a family of four on top of Papi’s medical bills, getting a mortgage should be lickety-split easy. If it were 2006!

The next day, Daniel and Willie are taking (gasp!) public transportation to get to their federal bailout meeting. Seriously? I’m sure no one would have said anything if you had shared a cab! Instead, they try to pay for their bus fare with an Amex gold card then a $50 and I for sure am canceling my subscription to Mode for Organic and Clutter-Free Living.

Look, this card is going in the meter or in your ass…your decision.

Back at Casa Suarez (because Betty’s is CLEARLY taking a day off during crisis time), Betty gets off the phone (which I just tried to spell with an “f”) and says that they do qualify for an F.H.A. loan which means they only have to put down 5% by the end of the month. Or, they could just squat until they are forcibly evicted, which would give them more time to come up with the money. Or they could file a lawsuit against the landlord saying they are being discriminated against because of Papi’s medical condition or something.

Betty says it shouldn’t be too hard to come up with the $15,000 by the end of the month if they combine everyone’s savings. Because Hilda’s salon is now a brothel? Also, I immediately did the math and if $15,000 is 5% of the price of the home, the home is $300,000 and there is absolutely no way you could get a single-family home in Jackson Heights for that amount. I even did a quick check online and saw a house that looked like theirs for close to a million (although it did have parking which probably adds $200K to a house price in New York). Oh reality, if you don’t hit Betty’s wardrobe I guess you won’t hit the New York real estate prices either.

Normally the voice of reason, Justin tells Betty to ask Daniel for the money, which hello, are you familiar with the current Meade family situation? Although honestly, Daniel could probably do it from the change he throws away! (I am never going to get over that). Plus, don’t you think Betty has earned at least that in a bonus for keeping things together?

I hope that isn’t human flesh you’re ingesting.

Back on the bus, people are in Wilhelmina’s “personal space” and some guy offers Daniel tuna from a can. Well, at least they aren’t near one of those twitchy people that you get nervous sitting near, but don’t want to move because you’ll look like a jerk if the person has some sort of handicap, but you also don’t want to be on the news last night because that person was actually crazy and took a bite of your cheek, you know? So many difficult choices face us on public transportation.

Marc and Amanda are coming back from shopping because they aren’t getting paid to work either, and Marc is complaining how expensive babies are. And they are messy! “I know, ” Amanda says, ” ‘I need food, I need diapers’…babies are so selfish!” Again, that is why I have dogs. Marc says, “If I never see another baby it will be too soon.” It’s like I’m soul mates with these two today.

Suddenly Marc and Amanda up and see Daddy McHottie who stops them to talk about the baby shopping they have clearly just completed. “Cello here just loves her little organic cotton onesies,” McHottie says. Cello!?! Well, there’s always room for Cello I guess.

Hot, except for the huge pink tumor on his chest.

McHottie introduces himself to Marc and Marc indicates he’s not with Amanda, that she’s just his “hag.” I’ll say! Marc pretends he has a baby “at home,” and McHottie asks if the baby is with his partner. Marc says he’s a single dad and so is McHottie! He suggests getting together for a play date and gives Marc his number. Amanda complains McHottie didn’t introduce himself to her and Marc says, “Cute and rude. I’m in love.” Yeah, but with a guy with a baby. Ick!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
Scarier than the clown in Poltergeist

Back at Mode, scary Betty face meets Marc and Amanda right off the elevator, begging for her security deposit which neither has, of course. What ever happened to Marc’s Hummer? No, people, the one Willie got him a season or two ago. Probably cashed that baby in already.

Over at Beautilities, Hilda tries charging $200 for a haircut. Yeah, I don’t think you can do that after the haircut, you should probably tell them upfront. Also, your work isn’t that great. Justin is street-performing for money and will probably be the only one who brings in any cash today.

Next stop, gay porn.

Ah, the government bailout hearing for crappy magazines. Daniel starts out that they are humbled by the economic crisis and I’m thinking no, you are screwed by the CFO crisis. Should have better checks and balances in place next time. Daniel says Meade is an American company founded by an American family, although I would probably push the minority female ownership side of things to get the money.

The chairman says that their flagship magazine is a fashion magazine, and why should the government care about something so frivolous? Yeah, because all of the government’s choices are so wise. Also? This guy’s southern accent is so heavy my captioning showed his sentence as “sorinthinisso fvolo?” Haha. Willie has a pretty good comeback saying it’s part of the backbone of the New York economy and employs thousands of people. They’ll take it under advisement.

Back at Home Foreclosure Suarez, they are still almost $10,000 short. Who had five grand? Turns out Justin was the only one who really made money that day from his one-man panhandling show. Papi swears he’s going to get them that money. How? He has everyone surround the TV to see that crazy chef guy from the beginning of the show. The chef says, “Some guy from Queens called us 162 times in one day.” You mean when he could have been out working? “To tell me my food stinks. Well I’ll tell you something, Ignacio Suarez! I’ll be coming to your house to make your dish!” the chef says. GAME ON!

He’s coming for you, Papi, and he has electric beaters!

And what a quick production turnaround time, the crew is there the next day for the Kitchen Rumble filming. Matt’s over to watch but Elena is nowhere to be found. So many inconsistencies in the relationships of these people. Matt wants to know where they are all going to live if Papi doesn’t win. In the van like the rest of the Mexicans? Damn Matt, get with it. They’ll keep the shag, it will just be on the ceiling now.

They’ve turned Papi into a cooking cyborg!

So the chef shows up and his name is Frankie Burrata. “Which one of you is Ignacio Suarez?” he asks. Probably the guy with the apron on, Einstein. Papi steps out with his mortal and pestle in hand, and that is NOT a euphemism for little Papi. Frankie grabs the mixer at his side like a gun, and it’s High Noon in Queens! Or just noon in Queens.

Seriously, which one looks like he SHOULD have had the heart attack?

They stare each other down. Dramatic music plays. Then Frankie pats him on the shoulder and says, “Come here, you persistent old bird!” and puts his arm around him. “You really wanted to be on the show! What are you going to do if you win the money…fat chance!” he says. “Do some travel? New car?”

“Actually, we’re trying to buy our own home,” Papi says. Frankie loves the American dream. Suddenly Mo Rocca shows up out of nowhere except the need to get more TV time apparently and says they are ready to roll.

Frankie introduces himself and Papi and said they are going to go head to head for bragging rights on the best chicken molé in New York. “If Ignacio wins, he gets ten thousand dollars. If I win, he gets my leftovers! Let the kitchen rumble begin!” Does he clean up afterwards or not, that’s all I’d want to know.

Oh great, the dynamic duo are about to blow it! Daniel and Wilhelmina are celebrating their almost-but-not-quite-yet win with an expensive dinner out. Hope nobody sees them after their beg-fest earlier! Willie is talking to Daniel and he’s completely ignoring her. “Daniel! I’m trying to antagonize you,” she says, “but it’s no fun if you’re not here. Where are you?” Drowing in yak tears.

The fresh pepper on my salad better be included in the price!

Daniel says he’s just stunned something like this could happen and Willie’s like, “Yeah, you never really know someone, pass the balsamic would you?” Well, she’s not that cavalier, but she’s iced over again. Poor Willie, she should really hook up from last week’s Nasonex bee. Daniel says it must be hard for her to have Connor gone.

“We are not here to talk about Connor. Save your pillow talk for your girlfriend,” she says. “Actually, Molly and I…nevermind,” Daniel says. “What, trouble in paradise?” Willie teases. She’s going to feel like a huge piece of excrement in 3….2….1….”She’s sick, Wilhelmina. She’s dying.” Too bad she can’t be doing it on a beach with Connor! Willie suggests they get wine and lots of it. Because that won’t look decadent!

What choreography! It’s a Molé Ballet!

Back at the kitchen rumble, Frankie and Papi are cooking with reckless abandon and passion, staring each other down. Do I sense a love connection? Wonder how Hilda would feel about that! Mo narrates. Couldn’t they have found a sound stage somewhere to do this, it’s pretty tight quarters and only one stove. “Listen to that trash talk,” Mo says. Yes, because if there’s one place that needs trash talk, it’s the kitchen. Oh, wait…

This hot pan is burning my cajones!

Papi grabs a dish off the stove, turns and yells out while struggling to stay standing. Oh, crap, is it another heart attack like they MADE US BELIEVE with last week’s promo? Everyone goes running in asking if it’s his heart. But no, it’s his back! Papi is really falling apart, Gasmii. They help him to the floor (?) and Betty calls a time out. What?!? There ARE no time outs in Kitchen Rumble! Papi calls for a substitution…a Kitchen Rumbl first! Frankie will allow it!

“Who can chop?” Papi asks. If he means wood, probably Hilda. He did say chomp, right? Matt is out, and Hilda and Justin have just done their nails. Way to pull together to purchase your childhood home, jerks! So it falls to Betty. Look, just wear a hairnet!

“What should I do?” she asks. “Stir the molé and turn the chicken,” Papi says. Yeah, that takes a genius. And fingernails. “Smart move,” Mo says, “they’ve tapped the sturdy girl to step in” to which Betty responds, “I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW.” He knows, Betty, he knows.

I just needed another paycheck!

Ding-ding! The cooking is done and the three judges are ready to make their judgment – not knowing which dish is which unless they’ve been sitting around listening to Mo narrate. They taste, they smile, they decide…on Frankie! Didn’t see that coming! Papi is shocked. Frankie gives them his leftovers which if they sold on eBay they might be able to make the $10,000.

I know you thought you were getting a bag of moo-lah,
but instead you’re getting molé.

Back at the office, Daniel tells Betty not to take it personally because those shows are rigged and P.S., enjoy living in a van down by the river because Daniel will be right next to you. “We’re going to lose our house,” Betty says. Well, it’s not really yours to begin with, so less drama, more conditioner. Daniel offers to help out and Betty declines because of all the money problems at Mode. Wait until she finds out he and Wilhelmina spent ten grand on their dinner last night.

Over at the meeting, Daniel asks for $75 million as a subsidy to help save the print media…and speaking of, the chairman holds up what I can only imagine is The Post to reveal a picture of Daniel and Willie toasting it up last night, big smiles and wine a-pouring.

You should have just flown to the hearing in private planes.

“You look pretty smiley here for people on the verge of bankruptcy,” the chairman says. He points out they are drinking a $400 bottle of wine. Willie says it was the only drinkable thing on the menu. Uh-huh. Enjoy working for Anna Wintour, bitch!

Marc is walking through the office bitching to Amanda that when McHottie said play date he may actually have meant, you know, play date. Amanda recommends that Marc borrow Willie’s baby for the afternoon, so they go to Christina who is currently watching the baby to “sign William out.” She has to remind him that he’s not a pea coat and duh, pea coats are cuter and quieter.

At Casa de Losers, Papi is still bemoaning the fact he lost and Hilda is trying to console him. Going through the mail, she finds an envelope that contains – aye Caramba! A check for ten thousand dollars! From who? I bet it’s from Frankie because he loved the whole American dream thing. Or Daniel, except that he probably hasn’t though about Betty since leaving the office that morning. Or could it be from someone that never seems to have money on him?

Hilda goes running and screaming through the Mode offices, which clearly shows that the company has cut the security jobs already. She shows Betty the check and Betty is sure Daniel did it.

Security can’t catch me!

McHottie shows up sans Cello who is at home with the nanny because of a little fever. Well, Marc has a fever for some McHottie, and dumps baby William on Amanda so he can actually play on his play date.

Betty thanks Daniel for the money and he’s like I no-givey the money because they lost the subsidy thanks to the fact that he and Wilhelmina are the biggest morons on the face of the planet. He tells her not only did he not give her the money, they didn’t get the bailout meaning they can’t save the company. Even with the check they can’t get the place because now Betty doesn’t have a job to help pay the mortgage, so we’re back on square one of Chutes and Ladders.

Amanda takes William back to Christina and she’s all goo-goo gaa-gaa over him. Christina says it’s hard not to feel connected to him because she carried him for two and half years. She tells Amanda she should know what it means – even though her adoptive mother didn’t give birth to her, she’s still her mother – the one who tucks you in at night and yells at you when you miss curfew. Amanda tears up. It could be because William’s diaper is full and smelly, though.

Sweet Christ, that’s strong!
And I ain’t talking about the coffee!

At yet another place where Matt can forget his wallet, Betty is telling Matt about the check. She asks him what he would do and he’s like “Cash it and dance for joy.” He should have said, “Pay a restaurant check once in awhile,” but whatever. He then tells her that he can’t dance so she should never ask him to. I think that’s pretty apparent, white guy.

Oh wait! He actually pays for their restaurant tab and signs for it…the phone rings and he steps away to take the call…Betty looks at the bill and sees the signature looks really familiar….could it be? YES it is! Matt gave her the money! But how can he what with his wallet never available? He must be absent minded about money because he’s so damn rich! Wish I could forget my wallet all the time too!

Over at Mode Wilhelmina is saying that without the government money, the company can’t move forward. The important thing is, at least you got to drink well! “As of tomorrow, Meade Publications goes dark.” Or darker. Claire is pissed and yells at Willie for flaunting her wealth. Uh…Daniel was at that dinner too, Claire.

Daniel says that the committee was right…do they really expect some auto worker to save them? Well, everyone else seems to, and chances aren’t good many auto workers are going to have jobs in the near future, either. But, kudos to the writers for getting that point across, you are as adept at political commentary as Jon Stewart. Now focus!

“We clean up our own mess. It’s our responsibility,” Daniel says. The only thing they should be doing right now is hunting down Connor, getting their money back, killing him, and hanging his hide in Wilhelmina’s office. Daniel can have his mounted head and Claire can keep the petrified balls. Now that’s an action plan.

Daniel says he’s going to start liquidating his personal assets, which is usually what he does every Saturday night so I’m not sure why that is such a huge proclamation. He’s decided to sell his townhouse, house in Amagansett, art, stocks, etc. Yes, because real estate and art is really hot right now in this economy. He thinks that should keep the company running for at least a few months. Claire points out that if the company doesn’t turn around he will have lost everything. Yeah, but then he could do Kitchen Rumble.

I’m less asset and more boobs.

Wilhelmina says although she doesn’t have the same kind of ass as Daniel, she has some resources. I’m sorry, she said assets, my bad. “I have a son now, and it’s his company too,” she says. He is going to be so pissed when he finds out how sucky your accounting department is.

Oh, son of a bitch! He’s trying to buy my love!

Back at the restaurant, Matt comes back from his call and Betty is holding up the check and the bill – both with the similar signature. “Matt, what is this?” Betty says. Really, he could have been a little better about hiding this, or he could have sent the money over as an anonymous donation from someone who saw the Kitchen Rumble show or something, you know? Mr. Smooth at work again.

Betty asks if it was a joke and he says no, she just wasn’t supposed to find out. She might have figured it when you signed your name to the nerdy Valentine’s day cards you’ll clearly be sending her, dumbass. Betty, not catching a clue, says she doesn’t understand how he came up with that much money. “My family is sort of…really wealthy.” Yeah, so is mine, just in sarcasm which rarely pays for things.

Betty’s pissed he never told her about being wealthy and he says it never came up in conversation. Point: Matt. He tells her not to be angry and that “it’s not that much money.” Subtract point for douchey-ness, ten thousand dollars is a lot of money to a lot of people, and if you don’t believe that, send me a check, Matt. I won’t complain!

“Yes it is!” Betty says. “No,” Matt says, “not when you’ve got billions of dollars lying around.” Betty and I are both like what the hell? Did you just say billions? If he turns out to be the son of Bill Gates, that is going to explain a lot, including the ears and all the plaid.

Oh, just billions and billions? Thanks Carl Sagan,
for continuing to make me feel insignificant in the universe!

“Well,” he says, “it does go up and down with the markets.” Yeah, she’s not a dumbass. “Betty, I want you to have this money.” Betty’s pissed and sort of with good reason. She stands up and tells him she knows he’s trying to help but she can’t take it. So he says, “No, we throw money like this at charity all the time.”

OH MY GOD HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

The collective sucking noise that must have occurred across living rooms throughout the nation must have been staggering when that phrase finished coming out of his mouth. “I’m not your charity,” Betty says, more calmly than I would have. Amen, sister. Now you go live in that van with pride. I would.

At Casa Suarez, Betty is telling Hilda they are not taking the money. Hilda says if Betty doesn’t marry him, she will. Oh Hilda, does your va-jay-jay ever take a rest?

They both smell something – Papi’s molé. And why is this now? Frankie is back to get a cooking lesson from Papi. “I couldn’t say this on TV, but he really schooled me with his molé,” Frankie says. Turns out the show WAS fixed and Papi’s food was better. Frankie felt bad about the situation and came by to offer Papi a job, because if there is one thing a heart attack survivor needs, it’s a stressful cooking job that requires him to be on his feet hours and hours and hours each day in a hot kitchen.

Okay, so they don’t have money to buy a house,
but they cook with Le Creuset? Assholes.

Hilda is pissed he gave away his recipe but Papi’s no fool. He didn’t give the recipe away, he sold it. For $10,000 smackers! Schweet! Hope Frankie’s restaurant has retroactive health insurance.

Back at Mode Marc is telling Amanda about his horrible play date. Turns out McHottie could only talk about his baby, “It was all Cello-this and Cello-that! CEL-LOOO! Let’s talk about me!” He apologizes to Amanda for leaving her with the Wilhel-Mini. Ha! Amanda thanks him because it made her think about her parents. “They’ve always been there for me. They must really miss me. I kind of miss them too,” she says. Aww.

Betty is talking to Daniel telling him how brave it is of him to finance the company with his own money. He says he’s never felt like a bigger coward…for letting Molly walk away from him. When she told him she was sick and that she wanted him to stay away, he felt relieved. He said he was scared to see her get worse. “But,” he says, “I love her.” Betty says he should go find her. Yes, because he has that kind of time on his hands what with the company turnaround and all.

Time for musical montage! We see Amanda calling her mom. Aww. It still would be cool if they tracked down her dad and it was like Trump or something. He could save the company…if Willie and Daniel were on Celebrity Apprentice. We see Willie open her desk drawer to a picture of Connor…if that were my picture, it would have a mustache drawn all over it by now and dart holes in the forehead. We see Daniel tracking Molly down in, well, some cold overlook in New York. He tells her he’s not going to let her go through this alone. I wish you would, Daniel! Go find a hot model with money to invest! Tyra’s single and she has a huge empire!

Must have been hard to find her…right here in New York!

Betty meets Matt at a bar and apologizes for getting so upset. Are you kidding me? He basically called you a charity case which given your wardrobe, I can completely understand, but he was sort of including your family as his outreach program. Say no to whitey, Betty! Luckily, Matt redeems himself by apologizing for calling her a charity and promising never to try to buy her house again. Deal.

She says one minute he’s Matt who forgets his wallet and the next he’s Richie Rich. She feels like she doesn’t know that much about him. He says he’s glad she’s not still mad at him because…he’s really into her. Damn, charity-donor or not, he’s adorable! They kiss. Aww, shucks.

He’s just that into you! Bitch!

Back at home, Betty brings in a huge bowl of popcorn so they can watch the Kitchen Rumble featuring Papi.

As soon as this place is ours, I’m raising the rent on that salon in the back!

Next week (okay, I’m getting to it soon) – Betty gets to meet Matt’s mother, Christine Baranski! How much do I love her? She is awesomely bitchy and evil. I bet she and Willie would shop well together.