Ugly Betty: Kid Ain’t Gonna Brown Up After All!

We open this episode of Ugly Betty the way I normally start my day: darts into the picture of an evil female boss! Christina is taking out her aggression towards Wilhelmina and says she did consider throwing a dart at the real thing, “but she’s so damn fast in those heels!” So am I, but only in comparison to my sensible-shoed co-workers.

Just another manic Monday. Or Willie has found a new way to get Botox.

Betty reminds Christina that she’s missed “a lot of work” and she “doesn’t mind covering for her,” which I think is probably something that could get Betty fired. Why doesn’t Christina just use her sick days, or were those accidentally carted off with the mannequins last week? Betty says last week she hemmed a skirt with a staple gun. Because Christina is the only person at Mode who can sew? Seriously?

Here, drink this, it’s baby-making juice!

Christina says she’s upset at Willie banning her from seeing the baby, and Stuart chimes in that they’ve become attached to “that wee bugger.” Are you still alive? Why don’t you hit the showers now and then, Braveheart? Betty suggests that coming back to work might get her mind off the baby (because Willie brings the damn thing to work every day). She tells Christina that Cal Hartley is going to sign the deal to save the company and to celebrate they are wasting money on a party. She even ordered a coconut cake for Christina. Damn, I’d come to the office for the cake, and stay for more cake, but then again, I do loves my coconut. She and Christina do a shot and order another.

Betty heads back home and Hilda asks why she smells like junior high. Because Christina orders cheap shots? She pulls Betty into the dining room where Papi is already sitting and screams for Justin. She and Archie have an announcement to make. Oh Lord. Married? NO. Pregnant? NO (although once again, kudos to the wardrobe person who has done an amazing job hiding her real-life pregnancy, and double-kud to the writers for not writing it into the story and making me barf with irritation each week). Turns out Archie is going to announce the launch of his campaign for president…”burrito president,” he says. No – borough president, although burrito president would be so much cooler.

AND it hides my baby bump. Clever?!?!?!

He tells Hilda that there’s even more news – channel 12 news is doing a feature on him, and he wants Hilda to be in it. Bad move, but let’s run with it. Mayhem is certainly going to ensue. “I’m going to be first lady!” Hilda says, and Archie says, “Well, I have to win first.” And you’d have to be married, too, let’s not forget that little tidbit.

Justin says because she’s on TV she has to look “tasteful,” and that her closet “presents some…challenges.” Mostly in the area of keeping her boobs inside of her clothes. Betty says she’d be happy to have Mode clothes messengered over in the morning, and I’m starting to think that Betty seems to recklessly spend a lot of her company’s money. Maybe she IS in cahoots with Connor. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Well, a recapper can dream, can’t she? She can when she’s home alone on a Saturday night recapping, dammit!

Back at Mode, Betty is looking for Christina mostly to smash her face into the coconut cake no one else is going to want. Hilda calls to ask Betty how “boobie” (boob-y?) can a first lady be. Hilda, if you have to ask…the Closet phone rings and Betty covers for Christina again. “I don’t know how long I can keep covering for her,” she tells Hilda. Uh, if she’s collecting a paycheck and not showing up, you’ll both be fired and she’ll probably be charged with stealing from the company which is kind of what she is doing. They don’t have those kinds of funds anymore!

Forget Daniel’s weird look, I totally want to
punch the cover model in his nads, don’t you?

Daniel is in the conference room freaking out because Cal Hartley is coming on his white horse to save the day. He’s particularly proud of the omelet bar, which, if I were Cal Hartley and I walked in and saw, I would just go flush all my bailout money down the Hudson. Although I guess the chef is busier than Amanda ever was at that desk.

Daniel is worried about his presentation because he wants Cal’s respect, especially since he last saw him dressed in a bunny suit. I don’t have to state the obvious, do I? That ship has passed! (I guess I did). Willie walks in with baby William (what the hell? Is it Take Our Babies to Work day again???? I hate that day!). Betty gets right up in his face and with that camera angle, I start to cry as much as he does. “Thank you Betty, that will be worth at least 10 years of therapy.” Added the therapy viewers are going to need, well, there aren’t even enough light years to cover that.

Way to ruin baby William’s retinas, dumbass.

“Daniel, will you hold him?” Willie asks. “He is your half-brother.” Willie says when the presentation begins, she wants Hartley to hold him, because nothing’s as professional as signing a kajillion dollar deal with baby spit-up on your lapel. Turns out Hartley has an affinity for kids. Geez, I hope that’s not a euphemism for something awful. Also, Willie has rocket-ship boobs. Is she Barbie 1957? Watch your eyes, Betty.

Willie has a sweater of Williams but notices a button is loose. She wants Marc to take it to the closet to have it sewn up by Christina. Who of course, is drunk somewhere. “Right away, fraulein,” Marc says. “Did you call me Frown Line?” Willie asks. Yes. Yes he did. Betty grabs the sweater, tears it out of Marc’s hands, and runs to the Closet to sew it herself. “She’s strong,” Marc says. In more ways than one.

Oh, look who decided to show up…Christina! To sew the baby sweater…dang. She wishes she brought her darts. I wish she had looked in a mirror before leaving, she’s a mess.

OHMYGOD! It’s 11am! T-minus zero for Hartley! Get the omelets in place! Willie tells Marc to put on his game face. “Not your GAY face, your GAME face,” she corrects him. Turns out they are the same thing (is that true?). Daniel checks his zipper because he’s twelve, Betty tells him he’s fine because she…checked his zipper already? How close are these two? Hey! Claire is back. Thank God.

I think I once saw John Wayne herding this group.
Is Claire wearing white stockings? She is DEAD to me.

They wait by the elevator. It opens. To the delivery guy. “Steve…wrong floor!” Betty yells. Oops…looks like he came up a different set of elevators. The entire cast and crew of Showboat, a.k.a. Mode comes stampeding towards him. Look how excited he is! He’s weird and creepy, isn’t he? You know who would have been awesome in this part? William Devane.

“Hello Mr. Hartley, we’re so glad to have you with us,” Daniel spurts out. “Thanks,” Hartley says, adding, “Bunny.” Like that’s not going to get old. “Still doing that?” asks Daniel, not adding, “Douche.” Hartley sees Betty and kisses her on the cheek because he’s the parent who likes her. Yes, but Mrs. Hartley gives away shoes every Monday! “Claire,” he says, “Good to see you again.” Rut-roh. Daniel is a little flummoxed as Hartley and his mom give each other what I’m going to call “the look.” This could be good.

By the way, I just want to point out that Matt’s mom and dad both have blue eyes. Let me take you back to 8th grade biology and remind you that two recessive-gene people (like those with blue eyes) cannot have a brown-eyed kid (like Matt).

People, I know my recessive genes.
Matt is either adopted or Victoria Hartley slummed with the help.

“So nice to meet you,” Willie says, putting out her hand, “I’m Wilhelmina Slater.” Way to cock block Claire for attention, Willie. My dogs do this too, it’s just called Cocker-blocking when they do it. “Damn! This is an attractive staff,” he says. Wait…I know he said hello to Betty, right? Short memory.

Daniel puts his arm around Hartley (not that way) and offers to give him a tour of the offices, unless he’d like to stop at the omelet bar first. What I’d be stopping first is the omelet bar. Willie says she’ll catch up to them later because she has to take care of her baby first. “Is there a baby here?” says Creepy Cal. “Can I see him? I love babies!” Because you drink their blood to keep you young? What mid-fifties guy ever says that besides a Super Manny?

Willie directs him into her office while Claire and Daniel look at each other somewhat stunned. Way to plan ahead, dudes. Did you not have a pre-Hartley meeting to discuss how things would go? Shouldn’t you have had the party after the deal was signed? Where are we on my mushroom and cheese omelet?

On the way to Willie’s office, Amanda who looks like she has a ginormo ass thanks to that balloon skirt says, “Daddy Warbucks is old. And kinda hot.” Marc recommends waiting until after the deal is signed for her to jump his bones. Well, that would be one way to get back into the Mode fortune, since her mother Fey left her nothing.

Hartley walks in, leans over the crib, and says, “Is this a joke?” Under the covers is a silver urn, probably once filled with Bradford’s ashes. “Marc, where’s William?” Willie asks. Marc says he was in there a minute ago, napping…with no one watching, apparently. He’s a baby, not a cat, Willie, you really shouldn’t leave him alone like that.

It’s cold, metal, and empty. Why are they surprised
this came from Willie’s va-jay-jay?

“Has anyone seen the baby?” Daniel asks. I would be directing that at Claire over anyone else. Everyone looks/plays dumb. “Oh my God!” Willie says, “My baby is gone! Marc! You were supposed to be monitoring him!” Did you not just hire a nanny to replace Scotch Tape? Oy.

Betty calls security and Daniel tells her to have them lock down the building, telling Willie they will find the baby. “I know where to start looking,” she says. Babies ‘R Us? But Betty makes a pit stop to tell Christina that the baby has been kidnapped. Christina freaks.

“She did it!” Willie says. “That ungrateful foreign woman!” and she points at Christina and Betty. Security of course grabs Betty because she looks the most foreign. I’m sorry…exotic. “Not her! The white one! Arrest her!” And they do, and I’m thinking you might want to gather some evidence first, or question her, before humiliating her in front of her co-workers. On the upside, the lawsuit she could file would probably cover the second round of treatment for Stuart’s mysterious disease.

Finally! Arrested for crimes against fashion!

Suzuki St. Pierre is on the scene! “Today’s hot color…Amber! As in alert!” Ha! I wish this guy rented out for parties. He explains how the demon spawn of Willie and Bradford Meade has been kidnapped and all Meade employees are being questioned. He has an exclusive with an eye-witness – Amanda. Maybe he said eye-witless.

As a matter of fact, yes, that
skirt does make your ass look huge.

Amanda says she will only speak on the condition of “unanimity.” “Do you mean ‘anonimity,’ ” Suzuki asks. “Exactly,” she answers, almost phellating the microphone. “But you’re on TV. Everyone can see you,” he points out. She knows. He has the production crew cut and he wants to take five…to get an omelet. Oh my God, their chef isn’t Jonathon Swift from Chez A Modest Proposal restaurant, is it? Because I think I know where the baby may be!

And over in this corner is Claire telling Daniel she wouldn’t put it past Willie to have done this herself. Don’t they always look at the parents first anyway? Daniel blows that off as ridiculous and says given Claire’s past, she’s the more likely suspect. “You didn’t do it, did you?” I wish I had a mom that I could honestly question about her kidnapping and murder capabilities. That would be so cool.

“Kidnapping isn’t my M.O. at all,” Claire clarifies. “It disturbs me that my mother has an M.O.” he points out. He sees Hartley and apologizes to him, saying they will have to reschedule. See? Kids ruin everything. Hartley says it breaks his heart that a child is missing, but he’s getting on a plane the next day for Moscow. They either “lock it down today, or that’s it.” Prick.

The police are questioning Betty about the possibility of Christina taking the baby. Gasmii, word to the wise, never answer police questions without an attorney present, even if you are innocent and have an alibi that would put Mother Theresa to shame. Betty locks in Christina’s M.O. by saying she loves that baby and would never kidnap him. She finally puts the smackdown on him and says she’s known Christina for years and there is no way she could have done this. Which totally means Christina did it.

Running to the Closet looking for Christina, Betty catches up with Amanda who tells her that when she marries Mr. Hartley, she’ll be Betty’s mother. What twisted thoughts that girl weaves. She tells Betty that Christina left.

Outside, Betty catches up with Christina who has darted down an alley! She’s getting into a car Stuart just left as Betty catches up to her. She tells Betty she needed to get out of there so she’s using Stuart’s car. And Stuart is going where? To his job at Starbucks? Betty is just trying to make sure Christina is okay but Christina is acting weird. They get into the car and suddenly we hear a baby crying.

You have access to a major fashion magazine’s closet
and out of everything you steal this.

“Christina! YOU TOOK THE BABY!” Christina peels out of the alley, which has an amazing amount of open parking. That’s the real news here.

How did she do it? Well, turns out when she found out the baby was there she just snapped. When everyone went to the elevator, she just took him, called Stuart, and sometime in that 90 seconds where they were greeting Hartley, Stuart drove over, found parking, went upstairs, took the baby from Christina, walked down 20+ flights of stairs, found a car seat, put the baby in the car seat, waited for Christina to get done being interrogated, then let her drive home. Either there was a rip in the time-space continuum or the NYPD sucks. Or this is a telenovela. Let’s go with that.

Betty is freaking out because now she’s an accomplice to a kidnapping. Only if you stay in the car and help her, dumbass. Just get out at the next light, call the police, and call it a day. Next time, don’t buy the coconut cake.

“It’s not a kidnapping if it’s your own son,” Christina says. Say-what-now-huh? She thinks Willie faked the DNA test. Just like on CSI: Wilhelmina! Why did you not have your own test done, moron? She tells Betty Willie needs the child to hold onto her place at Meade. Suddenly, we hear sirens. Let me guess, tail light out?

Back at Mode Daniel is doing his presentation and talking about all the talent they lined up to be on the covers for the next few months (great agents, girls, putting you on a cover of a failing magazine). Willie is in the background screaming and yelling and breaking things. Well, at least they are tasteful things. Daniel feels bad and says he can’t go on…his “partner’s” baby is gone and he just can’t finish when this tragedy is going on.

Hartley says, “So you are asking if we can reschedule even though I told you this is the only time I can do this.” Ass. Daniel says yes. “You know what’s gonna happen?” he says threateningly, “I’m going to make time before my flight tomorrow morning.” Jesus, no wonder Matt’s so effed up. This guy is a passive-aggressive traveling freakshow.

New Summer’s Eve fragrance…Cal Hartley.

Back in the mean streets, Christina has pulled over and a cop asks for her license and registration. “You’ve got a serious problem here,” she says, looking at Christina’s license. “Your tail light is out.” Betty is relieved. “Is road safety a joke to you?” Is real criminal activity that needs your attention a joke to you, officer? Are you freakin’ kidding me with the tail light bullshit?

I’m giving you a warning but next time,
bring someone well-dressed.

Betty starts up with Christina and taking the baby back and Christina shows her a picture of William – no! It’s Christina as a baby! It looks just like William! So he must be hers, right? How much more scientific do we need to get? The officer is back to let her off with a warning and thank God in Heaven we’re not clogging up the courts with this crap. The baby starts to cry.

“Who’s baby is this?” the officer asks. Both Christina and Betty say “Mine” at the same time. Morons. Then Betty says, “Ours,” and grabs Christina’s hand. Way to play the lesbo card, Betty. I bet it feels so right, doesn’t it? The officer tells them to get out of the car and she checks the baby seat. “What were you ladies thinking?” She tells them that the car seat is not hooked in properly (damn you Stuart) and that she and her partner have the same one. Of all the lesbian cops in all the world, why did these two have to drive onto her beat? She lets them go.

Suzuki is still reporting on the kidnapping and complains the police have been pretty tight-lipped with their information. As a result, he’s forced to do some “old-fashioned wild speculation.” Just like CNN! Suzuki explains how their graphics department combined Wilhelmina and Bradford and showed what their child would look like as an adult: A Chippendale’s dancer! “Mother of pearl, the man is an Adonis.” That’s probably his stage name.

Let’s remember Suzuki is a straight dad from Jersey.
This report had to hurt.

Over at Casa Suarez, Justin is all over this news as Hilda turns it off. He tells her he must watch it. “It’s my O.J.,” he says. Hilda tells him to go watch in the kitchen because they are about to start shooting Archie’s little TV thing. Why isn’t Justin at school? Why isn’t Hilda work — nevermind.

The TV station decides to set up in Hilda’s salon so she’s all happy. Archie says he wants people to know he’s a supporter of small businesses and big boobs, and Hilda gets both votes, you know, if she actually ran a business. He thanks her for toning down the outfit (it’s colorful and shows off her boobs; can’t imagine what the other ones looked like). She thanks him for including her in on this. I will thank the first truck driver that runs over these two.

Hilda goes back into the kitchen and we hear Suzuki on the TV asking, “Where in the world is that baby?” just as Christina and Betty walk in…with that baby! Justin looks stunned but slightly excited. Hilda looks pissed. “You are kidding me,” she says. They must be, because it seems like the cops might actually have Betty and Christina’s houses under surveillance. I’m sure this ain’t their first rodeo.

It’s not what you think. We’re lesbians and we got
David Crosby to donate sperm for our baby.
Oh, that IS what you thought. Well then.
Is there any flan left?

Back at Mode the security guards bring Willie and Marc into the surveillance room where they clearly see Stuart running down the back stairs with the baby. How many hours into this are we, like 4 if Suzuki could actually read his watch…and the police never thought to look at the security footage? Maybe this is their first rodeo and they all went as clowns?

Yes, because if TV has taught us anything, it’s to
LOOK AT THE SECURITY CAMERAS WHEN LEAVING THE CRIME SCENE.

Marc’s first reaction is at least the baby is safe. “Now all we need to find Christina is a team of booze-sniffing hounds,” he says. Too bad he didn’t say treat-sniffing, that would have gotten them a team of dogs faster. But Willie doesn’t seem quite as relieved. Why. WHY?

“If Christina has the baby, then the truth is going to get out,” she says. “What truth are you referring to,” Marc asks, looking sideways and sort of getting what is going on. “I had the DNA test faked. The baby’s not mine. It’s Christina’s.” Marc removes his gay game face and wears one of surprise (and relief, I’m guessing, as this may be his way of getting rid of that crying, pooping shackle).

Marc is sick and looks like he could slam down a Pepto shooter. “So let me get this straight,” he says, “you faked the DNA test so you could claim Christina’s baby as your own.” Is that the worst thing she’s ever done? Not even today. Wise up, Marc! Willie is having none of the ethical side of this argument. If people find out she’s not William’s mother, she’ll lose her claim to the Meade fortune.

Willie says they need to find that baby immediately and to do that, they need to know where Christina is. “She could be anywhere!” Marc says. Try her home, try Betty’s, and oh-by-the-way, get the police involved because they could find her faster and probably wouldn’t listen to Christina when she said the baby was hers. They’d just chalk it up to surrogate crazy and give the baby back to Willie. Marc wonders where Christina would turn in a time like this. “You would turn…to your best friend,” Willie says. “Betty!” they say together.

Back at Casa Lindberg, Justin says, “My God, you two are the kidnappers? I totally called that!” Betty tells them that they are not, except technically they are, but things are just really complicated. This sounds like a junior high dance. Justin wants to tell his drama club, Hilda tells him to www.zip-it.com, and then tells Betty and Christina to get the hell outta there because a really boring councilman’s bit for borough president hangs in the balance!

You are totally thinking about giving me
a purple nurple, aren’t you?

Betty’s great idea is that she and Christina sneak upstairs with the baby because everyone knows babies are very, very quiet, particularly when you actually need them to be. Hilda’s all like “OH HELL TO THE NO” are you staying here, and Archie hears them through the cheap walls of the salon. To keep things calm, she distracts Archie and the TV people, finally getting them out of the house. Betty and Christina Keystone Cop their way between the living room and stairs, and just as they begin to go up, there’s Papi!

“You have something you’d like to tell me, mija?” Papi says. Uh. Yes. I’m a lesbian with Christina and this is our baby that she had with her husband who has a mysterious illness and we’re hiding it from the faux mama and I don’t think I actually have a job anymore since I’m always here instead of at work.

I’m as disappointed in you as I am in the wallpaper.

Christina’s on the phone with Stuart, saying they’ve had “a bit of a detour.” Yeah, they really planned this one out, didn’t they? Papi pulls out the Catholic and tells Betty that kidnapping is like “ten thousand Hail Marys.” Geez, it’s not like she denied the Holocaust or told Africans that condoms won’t help prevent AIDS. She’s not a Nazi for Christ’s sake.

Hilda comes storming in and she says, “You know when you asked where you should draw the line in helping a friend? You just crossed it!” Do those sentences really work together? Betty tells her they had no other options. Except maybe not kidnapping, getting out of the car and reporting Christina to the police, not bringing her to your family’s home to involve them, etc., etc., etc. ad naseum.

Hilda is pissed because Archie’s campaign is “on the line” and Betty’s all like, “What was I going to do?” Uh, read my previous paragraph? “I couldn’t just turn my back on her!” Actually, you are allowed to turn your back on friends when they do something illegal. There’s a clause in the contract that allows that.

“Betty, she didn’t just jump a subway turnstile, this is KIDNAPPING!” Oh Betty, how could someone so nerdy be so damn stupid? “She thinks that baby is hers and I believe her,” Betty says. Oh! In that case, no problem! She was right to do what she did, you know, instead of get an attorney and request another DNA test. Nevermind. Let’s get back to the omelet bar, I’m hungry!

Papi asks Betty what they could do about this now and Betty suggests getting another DNA test. “Oh, sure,” Hilda snots, “Let’s just drop by the DNA pagada at the mall.” I actually really like Hilda in this episode, she’s the voice of reason, which is so, very, unnerving.

“Okay, Hilda, I get it. We need help,” Betty snots back. “Yeah, but who’s going to help a fugitive?” Oh my God, call Claire!

Back at Mode the phone rings and Amanda gets it. It’s Betty calling for Claire, and Marc jumps on the phone as Betty says, “Mrs. Meade, I really need your help.” Amen.

Claire meets Betty in front of some pagoda at the mall – no, I think it’s an actual health facility. She tells Betty that Betty did the right thing by calling her. The plastic surgeon she recommended could totally fix Betty up so she’s at least average-looking. Oh, and he can perform really quick DNA tests too. “And once we prove this baby isn’t Wilhelmina’s, we’ll finally be able to get rid of that bitch.”

The student has become the master. Well done, Betty!

Cheese it! It’s the fuzz! They come flying out of nowhere like monkeys. They grab the baby, arrest Betty, Christina, Stuart, and pull out Claire’s monogrammed set to cuff her.

The takedown! Tasteful, subtle, and classic.

Betty is trying to explain to the police officer that they were just trying to help resolve the case, and the officer is like, listen, Fugly, you are free to go, nice lawyering-up, now get outta my face before I punch ya! Claire grabs Betty and the walk over to Daniel who says that Willie has agreed to drop the charges against Betty and Claire, but not Christina.

Daniel tries to remind Betty that Christina kidnapped Willie’s baby and Betty says, “But Christina thinks it’s her baby and I believe her.” Now Betty’s starting to sound a little crazy, don’t you think? “Can’t you talk to Wilhelmina?” Claire nods at Daniel like he’d better do it or no figgy pudding later.

Daniel says to Wilhelmina, “We are in front of a DNA facility, what harm could it do?” Is that DNA facility open all night? New York is the best city ever! “I’m not going to indulge the lunatic who stole my son just to give her peace of mind.” She says Christina can rot in jail. Well, she’s probably more pickled right now what with all the drinking, but eventually she would rot.

Betty is leaning into a police car, which…when do they ever put the window down on criminals? She says there must be something they can do. “We’re in handcuffed in the back of a police car, Betty, I think we’re out of options,” Stuart says. Yeah, your next option is going to be how far to bend over, Stuart, and not for a medication shot. Christina bemoans “taking on Wilhelmina Slater.” Well duh, don’t we all? The car drives off.

Back at home, Willie is tucking William into bed and his nursery is black! What the hell? Marc stands in the doorway telling Willie that he’s made more bottles and the nanny will be there the next morning. Yeah, she did a great job today. Then Marc’s conscience stops by but he keeps it quiet. Well, almost

“Congratulations, I guess,” he says. “You did it. As far as anyone knows, the baby is yours.” Now he’s wearing his disappointed/tsk-tsk face. “The baby IS mine, Marc,” she replies. “Yes, and your position with the company is secure and Christina’s going to jail,” he tweaks. “We win.”

This is my “Stifling my Conscience” face. Like it?

Now Willie’s pissed. “If you have something to say, why don’t you say it?” she says. I’m pretty sure he just did. “Have a good night, Wilhelmina.” “Good night, Marc,” she says, giving him the raised eyebrow that tells him she will eat his liver with onions the next morning. She goes back to the baby, smiles, it fades as that teeny-tiny conscience of Willie’s rears it’s head, but she sighs and squishes it back down. Well done, Satan, well done!

Back at Casa Campaign HQ, Betty is apologizing to Hilda for bringing Christina and the baby to the house. Uh, you probably should be apologizing to your whole family since they all could have been considered accomplices. Hilda says thank God naïve Archie didn’t find out because he’d be so – “So…what?” Archie asks, walking into the room. Hilda plays it off that he’s SO cute, blabbedy-blah-blah and Archie fesses up that Justin told him everything.

Hmm. How long do you think it would take news crews to figure out that the Hilda Suarez of Queens was related to kidnap-accomplice and Tornado Girl Betty Suarez, and that Councilman Archie was consorting with kidnappers? Career? Over. Betty apologizes for almost ruining his career but she was just trying to help a friend. Archie says he thinks that’s noble. What?

Hilda totally calls him out because he totally spazzed on what she was going to wear that day but kidnapping is okay with him? No, he’s not fine with kidnapping, but he understands Betty was trying to do what was right. By kidnapping. God, that is some effed-up logic. He’s perfect for politics.

“It doesn’t really matter,” Betty sulks, “because Wilhelmina won.” Archie suggests fighting dirty. Hilda and Betty are surprised. He says working in politics he’s learned that sometimes to get what you want, you have to be a little creative. Like Elliot Spitzer creative or Marion Barry creative? Help me define this. Either way, Hilda is totally going to sex him up tonight, that’s for damn sure!

So, back over at Wilhelmina’s house of horror, she opens the door to one Betty Suarez. Great doorman, Willie, have him fired as soon as possible. “I know the truth,” Betty says. Willie looks worried, but also hungry. Run Betty!

Why didn’t you just bring over a poo-filled diaper?
That would be just as appetizing.

Betty says she can prove it because she has a jacket with baby spit-up on it, and when she gets it tested, it will prove the baby is Christina’s. Also, gross. “And you will go to jail!” Betty says, like she’s on Scooby Doo or something. “Or you can admit the baby’s not your and we can chalk that fake DNA test to a mistake,” Betty says. Wow, girlfriend has grown some cajones! Willie looks at the spit up, raises her hands, and says, “Looks like you got me.”

She sits down and looks at Betty. She says, “So we should give that enchanted ploy-blend thing to your DNA lab, and when the results come back and say ‘strawberry milkshake,’ then what?” Betty looks uncomfortable. “Baby spit-up and milkshake are completely different colors,” Willie says. How the hell would she know what either of those looked like? Apparently because Willie is a fashion expert, she notices the differences in things like this. “It’s a gift and a curse,” she says. I’ll say.

Do you think that hair is real, and if not, do you think
she’d loan it out to me? I sorta gotta thing this weekend.

Betty does the next best thing and plays the friend with the heart of gold. “I don’t have your money and I don’t have your power, but I know the truth. And I will fight until it comes out,” she says. How hard would this really be? Just go to the press – call Suzuki and tell him the rumor and see what he can make out of it. He would eat that up like strawberry milkshake, I tell you. The sheer pressure would cause there to be another DNA test. She tells Willie it would be easier to tell the truth now than lie the rest of her life.

The next day Willie is giving a press conference about how she discovered the DNA test was incorrect. “While I knew I’d be losing my baby, there was no way I could keep a child from his real mother,” she says, on the TV while Suzuki looks on. Suzuki tells the audience that the kid is actually the offspring of “a couple of Scottish people,” and he pulls up pictures of Christina and Stuart (mug shots?). When he morphs them, he gets a hideous fat ass drunk adult child. “Dear Lord!” he says.

You know this is totally what baby William is going to look like.

Getting off the elevator are Betty, Claire, and Daniel, and I was kind of hoping that maybe Daniel would say, look, stay with the company, I know you sold your fur and jewels to keep it running and we really appreciate it, so stay on. I think he may have. But Claire is all like, “Without little William’s shares, she’s nothing! Let me fire her!”

Walking into the conference room, there is Willie talking with Hartley. They all sit down to finish the deal and Daniel tells Hartley there is some business they need to finish before the ink is on the contract. “Wilhelmina,” Daniel says as Claire cuts him off and screams “YOU’RE FIRED!” Man, that had to feel good. For that split second that it’s going to last. “Your time at Meade is over,” Daniel says.

“Well,” Hartley says, “that is a shame.” Daniel is confused, per usual. Hartley tells him that if they are going to fire Wilhelmina, he’s out. Daniel reminds him he was supposed to be a silent partner and Hartley’s all like, “Well………..” Crap! He tells Hartley that Willie’s a shark and Hartley is like, “Sometimes you need a shark.” Again, as bad as Willie is, she is a damn good editor, except for that sex issue.

“Look Daniel, you’re a stand-up guy, but I can’t have you popping off to your bunny hole every time a problem comes up,” Hartley says. First of all, ouch. Second, why did he have to bring up Molly? “I do business in Colombia, Brazil, and India. If I had to stop doing business every time someone got kidnapped, I’d never get anything done.” You know, it sucks that that statement is completely true. Business ethics is a very liquid entity once you cross borders. Or work in the U.S.

So here’s the choice: Willie keeps her position and stake in the company (I’d fight the stake part – she’s not related anymore), or Hartley walks. That omelet station isn’t going to pay for itself. Wilhelmina wins. How did that happen? Willie stares down everyone while drinking champagne. I bet hers is laced with Claire’s urine.

I have to squint because you hurt my eyes so much.

Later she walks up to Betty to “thank her.” Turns out telling the truth was the best strategy. She met with Hartley last night and laid it on the line. We see a flashback where Willie tells Hartley, “I’m the type of person who stole a dead man’s sperm, who falsified DNA results, who kept a mother in the dark to maintain the illusion that the baby was mine. All of this to insure my place in this company.” She recommends he keep her on as someone working for him instead of an enemy working against him. Can’t we all just be frenemies?

She tells Betty that when Christina comes back, Betty should bring the baby to her so they didn’t have to see each other. Yes, Willie is tossing little William aside like an old pair of Pradas. Happy Mother’s Day! Way to go, Betty.

Betty is holding William when Christina and Stuart show up. She hands him over, and Christina thanks her. “You’ve come a long way since you first came to Mode. I mean, you dress the same way,” yeah, only in now in hideous designer clothes that don’t match. “It’s been really lovely knowing you as a friend.” Betty says it sounds like Christina is going away. Looks are exchanged. Turns out Christina and Stuart are going back to Scotland.

Christina wants William to get to know their families and to not speak like a Yank. Betty asks about her career. “Do you think they don’t have designers in Edinburgh?” Christina says. Yes, that is exactly what I think. “I have not given up on my dream,” she says. “That’s something I learned from a very good friend.” Glen Livet?

Which is worse? Betty’s socks/boots or Christina’s leggings?
If you answered Stuart, you are correct.

Betty chokes up. Christina chokes up. Christina and Stuart get on the elevator, wave goodbye, and are finally gone. Finally.

Next week…Daniel proposes to Molly (a.k.a. “the bunny hole”) and Betty becomes the wedding planner. Yes, because there aren’t any in New York and she probably has nothing do to at work as they get Mode back on track. And there’s a wedding crasher! Hope it’s a guest star trying to revive her career!