Ugly Betty: Miss You Not So Much!

Welcome back to the first 2010 episode of Ugly Betty! For those of you playing at home, it’s now on Wednesday at 10pm because networks executives are trying to kill this show. We open with a dentist blowing Betty – no, seriously, he’s blowing air at Betty and she’s loving it. No, wait, it’s Dr. Farkus, her orthodontist, which makes the blowing much less enticing. Also, Dr. Farkus reminds me of a creepy Chris Elliott. Creepier.

Stop blowing me! Or get a breath mint!

Betty asks Dr. Farkus (is her related to Scut?) to stop blowing air in her face because it’s blowing up her nose and I’m guessing making all that nose hair tickle. While she’s still reclined in the chair, he tells her she looks great. In fact, he’s kind of in her personal space as tells her he’s recently single. Remember when he banged Henry’s girlfriend? Yeah, their kid totally would have been a ginger.

“Well, I wasn’t wondering, but glad to know it,” she says. Is there no code of ethical behavior for orthodontists? I mean, mine used to wear a gold medallion and bang his receptionist. As her chair begins to move up, he gets in her biz and says, “Since it’s out there, what about dinner tonight?” Was it out there? If so, put it back.

Betty has to tell him she has a boyfriend and he gets pissed, like it’s her fault or something. Then he tells her how much he makes which is funny since Matt wipes his ass with Dr. Farkus’s salary. She asks when she’ll be getting her braces off and he says when she loses the rich boyfriend. How about when she loses the serial killer ortho? This whole scene wasn’t so much funny as unnerving. Hope Betty’s head doesn’t end up in the Hudson.

Next we are treated to a Betty and Matt montage of sleeping, teeth brushing, elevator riding, and kissing. His apartment is really gray. Also, remember when his mother told Betty how Matt gets all involved with a hobby for awhile and then dumps it to chase after something else? Is Betty that hobby right now?

Trapped and you’re not even married yet.

Back at Casa de Prego, Betty is home because Matt is suffocating the crap out of her. It doesn’t help when he sends her flowers and a voice card that says repeatedly, “Miss you much….” Shut the hell up already! You aren’t 12!

It’s like nails on a chalkboard!

Betty asks Hilda what she’s doing about that crying, pooping shackle that will be around her ankle in a few months. Hilda has told no one – not even Bobby because she thinks he’s still a thug. Doesn’t he work at the family car dealership – nevermind, that would make him a thug.

At Wilhelmina’s lair, she’s telling Daniel that Connor gave her the account numbers and the money will be back in no time. Daniel promises she can have 50% of the company since Hartley will be out. Willie says she will not come back as long as Denise Ludwig, the crazy editor from the film industry who has NO FASHION KNOWLDEGE, is still the Creative Director. I’m with her on this one, I can’t stand that woman and she’s only been in one episode. How do you solve a problem like Denise? An interview with a vampire – Suzuki!

Back at Mode, Matt hasn’t seen Betty in 20 seconds and he stops by to see her. He says he “scored” tickets to the Rangers’ game (aka “My family owns a box”) and he wants her to go. She knows less about sports than she does fashion, Matt. Betty ditches him for a photo shoot she has to go to and she encourages him to go to “Puck Night” on his own. If you don’t spend the night with him, he will puck it alone.

Amanda stops Marc in the hallway to tell him that since he’s been working with Daniel, he’s getting sloppy. She shows him pictures she’s been taking of him all week to show how he’s getting a unibrow. They flip through the pictures and one is of Betty. They both scream and Amanda tells Marc he’s “Trans-Mexifying” right before their eyes.

Dr. Farkus stuck my camera down his pants!

Back at Casa de Customerless, Bobby drops Justin off again (can’t he just let him walk in the door on his own?) but Hilda catches him and asks if he wants to go have coffee. They have a huge argument and make sexy plans, per Hilda’s usual agreement with bad boys.

And guess who shows up to Betty’s shoot? Miss you much! How can she miss you if you never go away? Betty, realizing they are spending waaaay tooooo much time together, looks back at the photo shoot and visualizes herself with Matt in black and white acting out Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? The only reason I know this is because I got stuck writing my first term paper on Edward Albee and there’s nothing a 9th grader can relate to more than an alcoholic, abusive, and dead-dreams middle-aged couple who spew vitriol non-stop, and because I made the mistake of watching the film years later. Seriously, why do they force this crap on kids who still have hopes and dreams? Anyhoo…

Looks like me after a day at the office.

Betty continues the visualization, screaming, “How can you miss me much when we spend every day and every night together? Why don’t you drop dead so maybe I could MISS YOU MUCH?!?!?!?!” Plus, secretly all of your friends hate you because the two of you are becoming one really irritating organism. Betty decides to get Matt back into painting. I know one of his pictures was a great hit.

Remember this one? Good one for the family room.

Twirling in his chair, Marc suddenly sees his new boyfriend/previous Bahamas one night stand in front of him. Oops. Newbie wants Marc to save his Saturday night to meet his parents (needy!) then admits to Marc he’s his first boyfriend and first lay. “Aren’t you like 40?” Marc asks. Didn’t you notice with all the fumbling?

You’d think Marc would be at home
with Newbie behind him.

Back at Casa de Expanding Womb, Bobby stops by with an HDTV that is like 100 inches, but taped up suspiciously in a box. He bought it so Justin can watch all his gay TV shows on it. Hilda asks if it’s legit and Bobby really doesn’t answer. Rut-roh.

Back at Mode for the hit-and-run interview, Suzuki asks Denise a question about why people spend $500 on a pair of jeans during a recession and Daniel looks at her like there is no way she can answer it. She adeptly says, “Fashion is a dream you put on in a morning…you can’t live without a dream.” Cheesy, but she did hit the ball out of the park. Dammit! Daniel is pissed. Suzuki is clearly disappointed and asks for more powder for his face.

Daniel tells her she was amazing and she admits she paid an F.I.T. freshman to pull some cool fashion quotes for her for $40. Daniel nods at Marc and Marc turns the camera on. Denise says she can’t get her head around fashion and calls it dumb. “I don’t care if it’s Donna Karan or dog food, it’s just something to sell,” she says. Sometimes Donna Karan does look like dog food…

Over at some random art gallery, Betty shows up with a painting of Matt’s to show to a gallery owner – Christine Ebersole! Where have you been? She calls Matt Betty’s lovahhhh. She likes the work and may be interested in showing him during an emerging artists’ show that is coming up right soon! She wants to see more and Betty offers to show her more of Matt’s work. “My lovahhh is good,” Betty says. Well, he’s had enough practice, hasn’t he?

What makes you think I’m in the off-Broadway revival of Alice in Wonderland?

Guess what’s on TV? Denise’s super-awesome dog-food interview and it turns out Denise has resigned and is headed back to Hollywood. That was fast. Watching the TV report with Claire and Daniel, Hartley says, “This is a category 5 crapstorm.” I think crapstorms are measure in pounds, Hartley.

This is a good indication that your career is over.
Unless you’re in politics, then it’s just a blip.

Daniel says that Wilhelmina is ready to step back into the position and Claire says over her dead body. “I couldn’t have described your body any better,” Willie says from the doorway. Yay! She’s back! Order is restored! Daniel says they don’t need Hartley’s money anymore. The “stolen Meade money” has been recovered (to Claire’s surprise – seems like someone would have called her about this…the police, Interpol, the press, HER SON) and they can buy him out “plus interest, today.”

It suddenly dawns on Claire that Willie and Daniel are in this bed together (as if) and that Denise was set up. Denise was a moron, let’s get that straight right now. Hartley says no one tells him to leave and he’s going to make life difficult, blah, blah, blah, snore. So many useless threats. Claire is pissed Daniel chose Willie over family. Well, you once chose the bottle over family, Claire. At least Willie sees the big picture.

Now Willie is pissed at Daniel. “I gave you one simple thing to do. Now you’ve fracked it up!” Oh, if only this were on HBO. Daniel says all they have to do is get Claire on their side and then Hartley will leave. Whatever. Just let Willie fix everything like she normally does.

At Matt’s storage unit, which apparently is the apartment across the hall from where he lives (cost-effective, dumbass, that’s prime real-estate), Betty and gallery lady are looking over Matt’s paintings. He probably shouldn’t keep them in a room that has windows, it will probably bleach them out. Unless that’s the point.

Turns out the gallery lady is less than impressed and bored beyond belief. She’s lucky Betty isn’t some crazed lunatic who locks her in there or kills her or worse…makes her watch PBS! “They’re uninspired,” she says. “He has no voice.” And suddenly we hear Matt’s voice as he comes home to get his cell phone. Betty shoves him in his door and checks back with gallery lady.

“The ones in the back are amazing,” she says. “I think we have an emerging artist here.” Betty tells her to take what she wants and they’ll work the details out later. I hope she’s not grabbing Matt’s family’s Monets or something…that would be hilarious.

Back at Mode, Willie overhears Amanda saying very loudly that yes, Claire Meade was in South Dakota. This is why you have a private assistant working for you – PRIVACY. Willie knows ALL about South Dakota – slam dunk!

Back at Casa de HDTV, Papi is all about the cooking shows and the picture in the picture. Meh. The TV is a little big, isn’t it? Where are the Jesus candles going to go now? Papi’s up in arms when he finds out Bobby gave it to him. “Does it have a receipt?” he asks. No, gifts usually don’t unless it’s a gift receipt, and good luck getting that back to Best Buy now that you’ve opened it, hooked it up to your cable, and used it like a cheap whore.

Papi blows his top when he finds out Hilda had coffee with Bobby and tells her it’s just like when she was 17. He feels like she’s making the same mistake over again. Down to the last detail, Papi. He calls Bobby a thug and says he always will be. I don’t know – keeping him on the show would be a good move. He’s much more interesting than Councilman Snorezzzzzzz.

At Mode Amanda sees clothes on the floor and begins to follow the Fashion Brick Road. Right into the stairwell where Willie wants to have a little chat. I can’t blame Amanda, I like shiny things too. Those spinning fans in the background look like boobies behind a Barbarella Wilhelmina . She demands to know what Claire was doing in South Dakota. Amanda won’t tell. Willie waves shiny accessories in Amanda’s face. She spills like an overflowing toilet.

Speaking of which, I almost needed Depends just watching this!

Claire tells Daniel he’s only working with Willie because he’s upset his mother is sleeping with Hartley. Daniel tells her to stop thinking with her…”not with your brain.” Boring save. Daniel calls Hartley an immoral monster and Claire counters that Hartley is a good man. She’s half right, as we shall soon find out. Is she still producing Hot Flash? Jesus.

Betty has sent out an email inviting people to attend Matt’s opening as an “emerging artist.” “My lunch is emerging from my stomach,” Marc says. He and Amanda are totally going. Turns out Newbie is too and he tells Marc he loves him. “Too soon?” Yes, Needy Newbie, too soon. Marc wants to dump him but Amanda says he’s a gay duckling and must be weaned off Marc slowly. Then served with an orange sauce.

Betty and Marc are walking down some street and they stop at the gallery that is – gasp! – showing emerging artists. Matt suggests going back to his apartment for cheesy popcorn and a movie. I’d take that, sans Matt. Betty drags him into the gallery and everyone turns around and gallery owner yells “Surprise” as they all begin to clap.

Now here’s the thing…I totally and completely laughed my ASS off at this scene because the pictures? Are all of Betty in many different scenarios, all of them evil! My favorite is Betty as Medusa, although let’s be honest, a lot of times her hair does look like that. Another one is of Betty looking in the mirror and her evil face is staring back at her…another with Matt’s still-beating heart (I’m guessing) in Betty’s hands, Betty with Keith Richards’s face – no, wait, it’s a skeleton face.

Yep.

Matt is horrified. Betty is horrified. Betty’s family is horrified. Bobby looks happy. Marc and Amanda are totally biting their lips to keep from laughing. Matt’s ears stick out more than normal.

“What did you do?” Matt asks. “What did YOU do?” Betty asks. “These are your paintings?” Unless some other nutcase boyfriend went nuts – Walter? Henry? Gio? – yes, these are Matt’s. Gallery owner says the paintings were amazing. “The barely concealed hostility…” she says. Concealed?

Papi is like, WTF? And Bobby says, “The dude can paint!” Take it down a notch, Spermy. Hilda tries to make her feel better by showing her a nice landscape with trees and deer. “Why do all the deer have braces?” Bobby asks. Heh.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

Ooh! I like the floating glasses picture. Just like Dali! Marc’s Newbie calls and he gives him wrong directions to the gallery. “Poor little duckling,” Amanda says.

Claire walks into Hartley’s office telling him they need to get going for Matt’s retrospective of pain. But Hartley’s worried about another one of his emissions. He throws a file at her and asks her to explain it. It’s the secret file about their son. He says she told him she got rid of it and she says she did, just not the way they had discussed. She tells him she went to South Dakota, everything’s a-okay, now let’s get going. Hartley freaks.

“Tell me he doesn’t know I’m the father,” he says. Of course he’s concerned because he’s super filthy stinking rich and Little Orphan Dakota could waltz in and demand his cut. Yeah, but Hartley’s rich enough to just have him killed. However, he does have a point.

“This is a fire I’m going to have to piss on before I get burned,” he says. Remind me not to stop by his house for s’mores. “You couldn’t have just had the abortion?” he asks. Wow, did they just say that on ABC? Oh, it’s Wednesday at 10pm, nobody’s watching.

Back at Gallery O’Shame, Matt tells Betty he’s humiliated because these paintings are his private thoughts. Not so much anymore. Also, they are disturbing to the point that Betty should consider a personal exit strategy but quick. Where is Gio when you need some ass kicked and toes curled?

“They make me look crazy,” he says. And how! “They make me look like a monster,” Betty says, gesturing to the picture of her devouring the Mode building or a gingerbread house of some sort. He tells her these were painted when they were broken up but there are some good ones of her. “Those aren’t selling for quite as much.” Shocker.

Betty Eats Manhattan! Wait until she meets Mothra!

Betty tells them she wanted to get him to be passionate about something and he says he’s passionate about them. Just like he was about guitar, karate, and claymation. She wants him to venture out instead of being with her 24/7/365. He tells her he doesn’t have too much passion, she doesn’t feel enough. Or you are just suffocating her, that’s option B.

There’s some passion!

Back at the office, Claire goes to take a drink and holds the deliciousness below her nose. Why would an alcoholic keep that around especially in an open office where everyone could get to it? Daniel walks by and asks why she isn’t at the Betty as Monster Retrospective with Hartley. He apologizes to his mother for his behavior and she hugs him like an adopted son.

Drinking will only worsen that already confused pattern.

Back at the gallery Hilda is eating like a pig and Betty tells her to slow down or Papi will put two and two together like an egg and a sperm. While talking to Betty, she sees Bobby outside handing a wad of cash to a police officer. She storms out and asks him what the hell his problem is.

She says first he brings a hot TV to her house then he bribes a cop. “You almost had me convinced you’re a decent guy,” she says. Bobby tells her he was playing cards last night and owed the officer money. Then you shouldn’t have handed it to him when he was in uniform, duh. She doesn’t believe him. “Once a thug, always a thug!”

He follows Hilda back into the gallery where they make a huge scene that nobody pays attention to. She says she’s never sure if he’s lying or telling the truth, and I’m thinking it’s been how long since high school? People change.

“I want to believe every word out of your mouth isn’t a con job…it might make having your baby a little easier,” she says. Oops. Bobby storms out. Papi looks disappointed. Betty looks like Medusa.

Did Papi’s water break? No, it’s just his Pometini.

Back at Casa de News is Out, Hilda says Papi took off early and she hasn’t heard from Bobby, and Betty says Matt hasn’t called her back. They should totally go out to IHOP for some pancakes. So much better without men around trying to steal your sausage patties. That sounded bad.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Bobby! Betty leaves them alone and Bobby comes in with a bag. No, not his mother. He apologizes for last night but says he was shocked. He tells her he’s a good guy and he wants to be there for her and their kid. He hands her the bag and it’s for the baby. “And the receipt’s in the bag,” he says. Aww. I hope they get married and he moves in with them.

Look! He’s already learning his alphabet!

Newbie Duckling finds Marc at the office and apologizes for not being able to follow Marc’s directions. Dumbass. He has a gift for Marc – a tiny pair of underwear to match his! Eww! Marc tries to break up with him but Newbie says Marc is the jackpot of gays and he’s lucky to have found him. Marc can’t break up with him and instead says he’s going to slip into the new undies. TMI, Marc!

Why do these undies look like shoe inserts?

Back in Hartley’s office, Claire is sitting in Hartley’s chair and says they need to talk. Hartley says he’s sorry for being such a douche (which time?) and he’s sure Claire had her reasons for making her decision. She tells him to pack up his office and get the hell out of HER building. She says she’s backing Daniel and Willie.

Despite the fireworks on my boob, that’s not happiness to see me.

He tells her he doesn’t like being told how to run his business…by anyone. So Claire plays her hand. She says she’ll call their bastard son and tell him who his father is and provide him with a list of Hartley’s corporate holdings and net worth, not to mention the picture of him with a goat. Now get the hell out of the building and her life!

Over in Matt’s office, Betty shows up with her diary which is about as large as War & Peace and probably just as boring. She tells him different sections where she bitched about him being a dick as well as when she wrote him a sonnet (dork) to show him how passionate she is about him. “You had a thing for the Hansons?” he asks, sneaking a peek.

He tells her she made him realize he needs to find a balance in his life and doesn’t include Mode. He’s quitting to find something to inspire him. How about giving some of daddy’s money away? But luckily it does still include having Betty in his life. Phew!

So, his next hobby is dressing like a gangster?

Willie’s back! She’s moving her crap back in. She tells Claire kudos for getting Hartley out. “You must have found one mighty big stick to beat that horse with.” Yeah, it was more an electric cattle-prod, but the animal reference is still a good one.

Claire says she knows Willie had something to do with it but Willie plays innocent. She tells her that Daniel better not find out about South Dakota. Willie says how can she tell Daniel about something she knows absolutely nothing about? Deal sealed. For now.

Next week? Betty’s drafted into fashion boot camp and it turns out to be the camping scene from The Parent Trap. Plus, I still think South Dakota is going to show up in New York. Stay tuned!