Ugly Betty: Moms Prefer Jiff Over Betty

Wow! Hilda’s really sporting a beer gut, isn’t she? As we begin this week’s Ugly Betty starring perennial favorite Christine Baranski, the Suarez family is at home with Sports Guy Matt, now know as Rich Sports Guy Matt, feasting on breakfast.

Do I show you sit ups or condoms? I’m not sure.

Papi has made some sort of artery-clogging, heart-busting egg dish. I’m sort of surprised they are serving it with a side of grapefruit because Papi is probably on cholesterol meds and you can’t mix grapefruit with it or you will DIE or worse.

Who knew something so innocent could kill you dead?

Oh! There’s Elena! She won’t let Papi eat his scrambled “espectacular,” but instead says he should eat egg whites and grapefruit. She’s trying to kill him, probably for the money! Should have bet on Connor, Elena. Betty spits her food out for some reason (lack of manners?) and says she has to get to the office. On a Saturday. What Betty should be doing is going to a job search group instead. I wouldn’t trust my future to Daniel.

Klassy. Be sure to show that to Matt’s mother.

Betty is also planning to go to a Rangers game with Matt later because she owes him for staying late at Mode one night. Matt says he read every back issue of Mode for like the last ten years and really prefers Elle. He tells Betty to meet him at his mother’s house since he’s staying there while his apartment gets re-gilded.

“Moms love Betty,” Hilda says, probably because Betty seems so asexual. Matt says his mom is dying to meet Betty because she sounds like, “the daughter she never had.” Yeah, the Mexican one! He tells her the address and Betty foolishly asks which apartment. “Uh, the whole building,” Matt has to explain. Did you not catch the “billions and billions” speech from last week, Betty? You WERE there.

“Hello?” we hear from the living room and Hilda says, “Oh crap, I have a hair appointment, I forgot.” Yes, because Saturdays are usually the slowest days for salons, dumbass. Please, save yourself the irritation and go wait tables somewhere. It’s honest work and steady money. Turns out it’s Karate Kid back from being exiled from the show for some reason.

You could make extra money if you expanded hair cutting
into neutering cats. Snip! Snip!

“Please, come in, your Excellency,” Papi says to him. Really? He’s a Jackson Heights, New York councilman, not the pope. Take it down a notch, Papi. Papi asks him to join them for breakfast. Hope he’s not taking Lipitor or he’ll be dead soon too!

Elena and Betty move closer to Hilda and tell her how cute he is, that he’s single, that he likes her, and I’m wondering if they know Hilda’s type? It’s married bad-boy who dumps her when she’s pregnant, in case they are wondering. “That’s why he comes here every week to get his hair cut,” Betty says. Or he’s OCD. Save some for Locks of Love, bro!

Over at Molly’s dorm room, Molly and Daniel are having a conversation about Derek Jeter, which I know I’d be totally into if I were dying, NOT. Daniel says she should stay in, he’ll bring her some soup, and she should stay warm. Yes, that is SURE to cure her unnamable cancer. “Will you do it for me? Please?” He asks her. Yes, because her last moments should be all about what YOU want.

Let’s go for quarter beers when I finish my paper!

Daniel goes to the office to talk with Wilhelmina about a photographer named Miles who is booked until Armageddon. Clearly he’s the best and they should spend all of their money on him! Wilhelmina is wearing purple thigh-high boots that I initially thought were those stockings that just have boots at the ends, and I thought for a split second I was going to have to smash every TV in the house. Crisis averted, they are real boots!

Boots or tights or both? You decide.

In the meeting with Miles, they try to cut his price down by giving him full creative control. Yeah, that should cover his costs. As soon as they mention a cut in his fee he tells them the deal’s off and he gets up to leave. Wish I could do that at work! “I’m a freakin’ GENIUS man!” Miles said. He tells them to have the contract together by Friday or he’s gone. I say, let him go. Aren’t fashion photographers a dime a dozen?

Daniel suggests they pay him out of their own pockets. “Wilhelmina, I can cover for both of us,” he says, but Willie will have none of it. She says she’ll cover her half, then we see her in her office worrying about how to do just that. Sell Marc to the highest bidder, duh!

Over on Madison Avenue, Betty stops by Matt’s mom’s house and there is a big “H” on the outside, which stands for “Hellfire” which Betty is about to be neck deep in. Standing in the ginormous foyer, Betty yells “Hello!” and it echoes throughout the entire, cavernous mansion. Who the hell let her in and then just let her stand there? Or did she just barge in on her own? Seems like security isn’t doing their job.

Wow. Cozy.

Suddenly we hear, “Oh good, someone’s here,” and it’s super-mom Christine Baranski! Finally! You know, she and Claire would make a great pair. Of what, I’m not sure, but they sure as hell would be mean drunks and fun to listen to.

“I’m back early, I left my bags by the service entrance, if you could go and bring them in?” she says to Betty. Oops. Not every Hispanic is her to serve you, rich white woman. “Hi! I’m Betty,” Betty says without missing a beat or completely understanding what the hell just happened.

Matt’s mom introduces herself as Victoria Hartley, saying, “I didn’t realize you were new, but I’m very good with names so I won’t forget.” Looking down at Betty’s hideous shoes and her hemmed-too-high pants, Victoria continues with, “You’ll enjoy it here. Every first Monday of the month I give away my old shoes.” I’ll put that on my calendar!

“I’m Betty. Suarez,” she says to a long pause. “I’m dating Matt.” Victoria’s eyebrows go up ever so slightly as though she realized she just stepped in poo and now must have someone killed. “Really?” she says, as though she may need a lozenge or a stiff sherry.

Do I smell chorizo?

“Mom…you’re home early,” Matt says. “Have you guys met?” Clearly they are facing each other and talking, even if she were the help, yes Matt, they have met. “Betty…Mom…Mom…Betty,” he says. They look at each other and don’t even shake hands (you usually don’t with the help, I’m guessing). Long pause. “Super,” Matt flatlines. Betty tells Victoria it was nice to meet her, shakes her hand, and gets a look of death from Victoria. All mothers-in-law suck, that’s the law, just get used to it, Betty.

Outside, Betty yells, “Dying to meet me? Matt, she didn’t even know who I was! She thought I was your maid!” I bet Henry’s mom would have thought the same thing, you know? Not Gio’s, though. Not Jesse’s mom either, but probably because he originated under a head of lettuce. “Why did you tell me she said I was the daughter she never had?” Matt admits he’s not sure why he said that, especially since he does have a sister. Dude, you forget your wallet a lot and you lie? No, he was joking about the sister. We need to send out a Gio-Signal, like the Bat-Signal, only in the shape of a deli sandwich to save Betty!

Betty continues to argue with Matt about whether or not he was hiding her from his mother (he was…wuss!), but all I can focus on is how high Betty’s pant are. Has it flooded in New York lately, or are those capris that have gone terribly wrong? I don’t think we’ve seen Betty in pants and I’m horrified to find out they are worse than her dresses and skirts.

Is New York expecting a tsunami, Betty?
Even Matt can’t believe how high those pants are.

Matt tells Betty his mother is tricky. “She’s judgmental and controlling, and no one I date is ever good enough,” he says. She should be a recapper, sounds perfect! Betty can’t believe it. “Moms love me,” she says. Maybe Walter’s mom did, but only because you proved he wasn’t gay. “She’ll love me once she gets to know me,” she says. I, along with the rest of America, won’t be holding our collective breath!

Betty says it matters that his mother likes her and I’m thinking she’s in for a world of disappointment both with Matt and whoever she ends up dating next. She wants to know when she can meet her next. How about Starbucks tomorrow, that way you can wrap things up as soon as the espresso’s bitterness is replaced by bitter resentment, double-shot. Matt invites Betty to the ultimate in soul-crushing, a Madison Avenue party on Friday. Hope they have fondue so Betty can gouge her eyes out!

In Wilhelmina’s apartment, two women are looking over Willie’s things and taking pictures. Marc asks her if selling her possessions isn’t just one step above a reality show. Which….well, let’s leave that money-making idea on the table for now.

Willie has decided to put her money where her job is and sell her furs and jewelry. Suckfest! Should have gone with Annie Lebowitz, I’m just saying. Her concern is that if Daniel pays for everything, he’ll leverage her out of the company. Wow, it must be absolutely exhausting running through life thinking everyone is out to screw you all the time.

Awesome garage sale, Willie.

One woman asks Wilhelmina about her sable and if the lining is hand-stitched. “Yes,” she says, “by a seamstress from Paris whose great-great-grandfather was furrier to Napoleon.” She says it with such conviction! Marc’s all excited, “Wow, really?” “How the hell should I know?” she snaps. I love a person who can lie without blinking! Marc asks her why she doesn’t borrow money from one of her rich friends – The Donald, Sumner, Martha. “I won’t let one of those bitches own me,” she says. Amen.

One of the women walks over to play nice and Wilhelmina says, “Let’s cut the Bryn Mawr niceties. Do you want my things or not?” They do. Marc begins crying and Willie promises to let him play with the sable one last time.

Back in the office, Wilhelmina is on the phone talking trash about some designer and yells to Marc that it’s four o’clock. Thanks, grandmother clock! “It’s time for my afternoon caviar and champagne,” she says to the person on the phone. “I’ll have to call you back.” After last week’s bitch-slapping for the extravagant dinner, you’d think she’d want to keep her midday snack of fish eggs and expensive liquid a little more quiet.

It’s like Heart of Darkness on a platter. The horror!

Marc wheels in the cart covered by a scarf…because the caviar is shy? When Willie removes the napkin, all she sees is a dish of almonds and seltzer water. Hey, almonds are good, especially when roasted at 325 for about 8-10 minutes (let them cool or you will burn your tongue. Plus, they taste better). She throws an almond at Marc, but I’m sure he’s used to getting protein in the face.

“Where is the Beluga? Where is the Krug?” she asks. Marc says it’s part of the office budget. I bet the supply closet has an EVEN BIGGER lock on it now, huh Claire? Marc reminds Willie that she said they need to cut back. Oh Willie, really, even you could swap out caviar for maybe cheese and crackers? And although seltzer is kind of gross, almonds are good for you! She bites into one like it’s a cockroach.

At Daniel’s office, the pinnacle location of every fancy New York doctor’s career, Daniel is explaining Molly’s condition to a doctor who might be able to help Molly. First of all, try HIS office next time. Second, why not let sick girl speak for herself? Third…I don’t have a third but if I did it would include the phrase Shut up, Daniel!

The doctor has a “clinical study” which is code for “using you as a lab rat I have no affection for,” but Molly’s chances are slim at best. Daniel cuts Molly off and says, “We’re in.” Easy to say when the “you” of “we” isn’t being poked and proded, dumbass. You know what I would do if I were dying? Get a bunch of credit cards, buy a bunch of crap I couldn’t pay off, use it, and die without having the funds to cover it. Done and done!

As part of the study, you will be required to run a maze and look for cheese.
But don’t worry, it’s a wheel of brie at the end!

In the conference room, Claire continues to work on Hot Flash as if that wasn’t the first thing that was cut when Connor took off with the money. (Did he take off with Meade money or Mode money? He didn’t ruin Player with his shenanigans, did he?). Betty runs in to ask for Claire’s help with something. “Oh, you’re worried about Victoria Hartley’s party,” Claire says, rolling her eyes. Betty should take Claire with her, they could totally rock the place.

Claire says she’ll be fine and wants to know what the topic is. Apparently people in New York need to come up with topics because why now? They don’t have enough interesting stuff to discuss? Betty has no clue (about the topic, among many, many other things) so Claire calls the Hartley house, asks for Consuela, “There’s always a Consuela,” she says, and finds out the topic is TORTURE! And racism apparently.

The topic on Caufee Tawk is torture. Discuss!

Marc flies into Willie’s office saying the engineers are doing a test and all the TVs have to be turned off and her computer too and ohmygod don’t read or listen to anything for days and days and days. Willie ain’t buying it. Marc got a call from one of his sources that there is a story “going around about her.” She turns on the TV and sees that someone blabbed about her selling her goods! She should crucify those bitches! And someone also blabbed about her nuts-and-water snack and at first I thought Marc was selling her out to make his own money, which isn’t true but would have been pure genius. Willie is so despondent she leaves. Take some nuts with you for the bus ride home!

TOO MANY CAPTIONS IN MY MIND AT ONCE!

Justin is helping Betty dress in something that looks like she went through a paper shredder on top, and I know since I spent 2 hours last evening shredding old documents, a.k.a. “the evidence.” Hilda tells Elena not to set Betty a plate since she’ll be leaving, but Elena has other plans for that table setting. I’ll give you a hint: Wax on, wax off! Councilman Kid is coming to dinner. He’s such a nerd. Now. Still.

My future awaits! See ya soon, Satan!

Over at Willie’s apartment, Marc walks in and tells her the auction house people are there for their pickup. Although she’s nowhere to be found, she has her fire on full-blast, lights on everywhere…I hope water is needlessly running in the kitchen, way to be eco-friendly there. Marc finds her in her room, wearing and surrounded by her furs and jewels. Poor little rich girl!

Just like me on a Saturday, except I would be
covered in dogs and cheesy popcorn instead.

Back at Casa Blind Date, Hilda is pizzizzled about Karate Kid being over for dinner but he’s all happy to have a home-cooked meal. Papi says he must have dinner with mayors and governors and prices all the time. Papi, what world do you live in? This is a guy who suggested Hilda keep her salon by selling candles. “It’s more like Chinese take-out, alone in my apartment,” Karate says. Wow, he can really sell it, can’t he?

Papi, I love the big beer, but you’re not really my type!

Papi says he’s surprised because “he’s a celebrity.” Hilda straightens everyone out by saying, “Papi, he’s a Queens councilman, he’s not Justin Timberlake.” Plus, those Chinese food boxes aren’t good for you know what because the tabbed lids just never stay shut.

See? You need a box that stays shut.

“Thanks for…keeping my feet on the ground,” he says, somewhat ticked. Should have ordered in, Kid. “Hilda would be good for you,” Elena says. Because she can dial the Chinese restaurant faster with those fake nails? Hilda is even more pissed and pulls Elena aside to yell at her. Justin gives her a glass of wine and says, “Mom, here’s your medication.” Tell me he won’t be spending a lot of time on the couch thanks to good old mom!

I medicate the same way, sometimes as early as 9am.
But only on workdays.

Over at HOUSE OF H, Betty is enjoying a glass of wine, worried because everyone looks so perfect. Betty and Matt are gushing all over each other when bride of Satan shows up and says to Betty, “I’m so happy you could make it,” in that too-tight smile that says, “I really wish you had been the help, you need the shoes.”

Betty and Matt each take a mushroom on a stick (my favorite next to ice cream on a stick) and Betty looks around. Matt calls her name to introduce her to someone and she turns around with such force the mushroom goes flying off the stick. Oh, yeah, but when I make kabobs I can’t get the damn meat off the stick, thatswhatshesaid.

Betty, realizing what happened, says, “I don’t know where my mushroom went.” She should have kept her damn mouth shut! Victoria announces that they will be heading off to the dining room for dinner, but first she wants to show everyone a priceless piece of mushroom that will soon be hanging in the Louvre, because that’s how they usually do it – let the ‘shroom go on tour in someone’s living room before putting it behind security guards, cameras, and electric fences.

Why would he paint such a huge zit on that poor girl?

A spotlight shines on the painting to show us a beautiful young girl gazing at flowers, all with a big, huge zit on her face. No! No! It’s actually a fungus! From the appetizer tray! And formerly of Betty’s stick! Gasps all around! KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! KEEP IT SHUUUUUUUT!

“What is an appetizer doing on my painting? Victoria spats out icily. I adore Baranski, I really, really do.

“Actually, Mrs. – ” Betty begins and Matt cuts her off with an “It was me, mom.” She looks from Betty to her baby and does not believe for one second it was him. He says he was fooling around and throwing stuff at one of the guests. He apologizes.

“That’s fine,” Victoria says in falsetto. “If the artist were alive, he’d probably get a good laugh, but he’s dead which is WHY IT IS SO VALUABLE.” Look of death. “Into the dining room, everyone.” She steps back and says, “So unlike Matthew to do something like that. I guess you bring out his playful side.” Tell us again how moms love you, Betty! Look of death. She must have invented it.

Do I smell burro?

Back at Willie’s she’s still on the bed with her jewels and furs. She tells Marc she thought she’d be alright with selling things, but she’s not. “Why, God, why?” she screams. “What have I done to anger you?” Uh…existed? Marc says he hates to see her like this, then takes a picture of her with his phone. Good thinking for future reference and future income when the magazine crashes and burns.

She’s going to club something and drag it
back to the cave, I just know it.

Willie tosses everything off and stands there in a bustier and undies. “Mama is downsizing!” she says to Marc. “Not where it counts, baby.” Is it me or is she giving off a big Barbarella vibe?

Over at Molly’s dorm, Daniel is about to leave to close the deal with the photographer, then he’s bringing back steak and wine for dinner so they can celebrate (the photographer? Well, take it where you can get it, I guess). Molly asks Daniel if he’s read all the info on the side effects of this experimental treatment he signed her up for. “These side effects are rough,” she says. Will it make her grow a scaly tail, because that would be totally cool!

Daniel says they need to think about their future and Molly’s like, yeah, I have a 2% chance of making it through this trial. Why not charge up a bunch of credit cards instead? Go buy me Willie’s furs and jewels!

Molly tells Daniel she’s dying and he says, “NO!” Good one, that should stop it. The bad news? We’re ALL dying, Daniel, some just more slowly than others and many times our souls are sucked out first by loved ones, jobs, and taxes. Molly tells him she knows how she wants to live the rest of her life and this clinical trial ain’t it. I’m with you on that one. Now sign here on the Visa application.

We return to Casa de Fix-Up where Councilman Daniel-San is telling everyone about a council meeting he went to that was long, boring, and in a very warm room. I think I’m in that meeting at least once a day! He was so bored he fell asleep, began to snore, then turned the snore into a “nay.” Just like Congress! They all laugh and Elena says, “Wasn’t the funny Hilda?” Man, do they want her out of the house or what?

So funny I forgot to laugh, ha ha HAAAAAA!

Hilda deadpans, “Oh yes that was the funniest thing ever.” Councilman gets it: you hate him. He tells Papi the meal was wonderful and Papi says he should come over any time, “Right Hilda?” Poor Hilda, I’m really on her side with this one. “Yes, you should come over whenever you want.” Meh!

At the dinner party, Victoria has come up with evil plan #387, where she splits Matt up from Betty during dinner. Matt says he wants to sit next to Betty and she says, “Don’t be silly, the name cards were placed hours ago.” And we sure as hell don’t want to move them, do we? Betty’s like it’s fine, whatever, I’m a doormat.

I wonder if Matt is going to have any intimacy issues?

Switch back over to Casa Suarez where Hilda is downing wine by the box. Papi, Elena, and Justin clear the table and Councilman says, “So how awkward is this for you?” Hilda says, “What do you mean, why would this be awkward?” “Because they are trying so hard to set us up,” he says. Yes, awkward.

Hilda apologizes because she had no idea, but Councilman says this happens all the time. He says he’s a reasonably attractive man in his forties (red flag!) with a mid-level government job (two red flags!), “I’m a…catch.” He pauses. “And your eyes have a story that they wish to tell, and I have my whole life, and I listen well.” Oh blah are you freakin’ kidding me with that line of bullshit?

“That’s a Justin Timberlake song,” Hilda says. Both Councilman and I breathe a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you got that, because it would have been really…weird.” Yes, but now it’s much, much better. Check, please!

Betty is seated at a really long dinner table that although doesn’t seat many, does seat them in cozy-looking chairs. The worst thing about this place, though, is that it is on street level and you can see all the buses and cars (and I’ll assume pedestrians) going by. It sort of makes the place look cheap, doesn’t it? Plus, I know if I walked by I would totally stare inside and make everyone feel creepy like they were in the snake house at the zoo. I totally would!

Victoria welcomes everyone and is about to tell everyone the hot topic of the evening when Matt sends a text message to Betty saying how she’s going to totally rock torture. That’s later Matt, calm down! The topic? “What is going to be the future…of opera?” I think she’ll probably just retire from her show one day, hang out with Stedman and her dogs in Hawaii, sleep naked on a big pile of money, and read. Oh, no, wait…that’s the future of Oprah. So much more interesting than opera.

Needless to say, Betty freaks. “OPERA?!” she says too loudly. Smooth as your legs, Betty. Or mine, at this point. Victoria is intrigued. “You have a thought Betty?” Betty tries to get out of it but Victoria pushes. “Why don’t you start us out?” This woman is good, you have to give her that. “Everybody, this is Betty Suarez, she’s a friend of Matthew’s. The future of opera. GO.”

Headlights? A deer is calling.

Betty stammers and you know this is going south bigtime until she gets another text from Matt who – if you remember – said he just went through the last 400 years of Mode magazines and reminds her of an issue they did relating to opera, which I just typed with an H. The magazine focused on fashion and the opera.

Worst selling edition ever.

“Opera is fashion!” Betty blurts out. “Meaning?” Victoria’s Secret Hatred says. “Meaning that the opera will thrive as any art thrives…by evolving and embracing new ideas, and giving the audience more grander and hopeful versions of themselves.” Well done!

“That is as succinct and insightful a piece of criticism as I have ever heard. Do you mind if I use it in my next column?” asks a guy who looks like what I’m guessing Marc will in about 25 years. This guy asks her what she means when she says, “Fashion,” and he uses his jazz hands.

He’s a cross between Marc and Austin Powers.
And it works!

“Well, I work at Mode,” Betty begins and some lady cuts in and says, “That’s like my bible!” Oh, Victoria is NOT going to be pleased. “And in some respects, what is more archaic than couture dresses?” Betty continues, although she may want to stop while she’s ahead. “Like opera,” says the bible lady.

“Eventually these couture dresses have an influence on our modern style,” Betty says and someone else says opera can do the same thing! I know I’d be sitting at this table steaming because I was hungry and no one would shut the hell up. The conversation then opens up to the rest of the table and people begin chatting. Betty smiles at Matt.

Back over at Casa Nighty-Nighty, Councilman is leaving with a doggie bag of Papi’s goodies, which sounds dirty but really isn’t. They say goodnight and Elena not-so-smoothly gets Papi out of the doorway so Hilda and Daniel-San can say goodnight and hopefully he’ll ask her out and take her off their hands so they can do it on the coffee table without someone cutting hair in the background.

Hilda says, “Subtlety doesn’t run in these family’s genes.” Yes, but guacamole runs through their arteries! He says that usually in the plan, this is where he’s supposed to ask her out. Then he says, “Good night,” and walks out the door. I like him better already! Hilda says, “Wait a minute,” and they both laugh. He offers to take her out on a “real date…one that you know about.” She’s in. Well okay then.

“Okay guys, I asked her out and she said yes,” he yells to the kitchen. They all come in and act shocked like they had no idea. Oy.

Your half of the groceries is more because you ate more mayo than I did.

Back over at Mode, they have signed the photographer du jour. Willie said she had to do what she had to do and Daniel tells her just because she thinks he’s trying to muscle her out doesn’t mean it’s true. “Life’s too short,” he says. Not short enough for some storylines, ahem. He says he’s learning a lot from Molly, who is “determined to live life on her own terms, even if it kills her.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s the cancer and not the hanging-around-with you that’s taking care of that.

Back over at the successful opera dinner party, Betty is making the huge mistake of walking around without Matt as her bodyguard. She’s looking at some pictures of the family and bumps into Victoria. Let’s get ready to rumble!

“So Betty where did you go to college?” Queens College. “And were you the first person in your family to go?” Yes and she worked the whole time too. “I can see you’re going places,” she says, meaning back to Queens. She tells Betty Matt went to Yale, speaks three languages, spent a year in Rome on a Fulbright, and plays the piano like God himself. And yet he’s slinking around locker rooms after games. Go figure.

“So what exactly do the two of you have in common?” she asks Betty. Isn’t it clear, they are both huge dorks who dress badly. What more do you need?

Betty answers, “Loads.” Another smooth move. How about YETI? Love of journalism? Senses of humor? The yin and yang of paying the restaurant bill? Victoria tells Betty that she has high hopes for her son which is why she’s given him every privilege in the book (or her ex-husband’s alimony did) and she wants him to take every advantage that comes his way.

Betty’s like, “I’m not sure what you mean,” but you know she sees the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s an oncoming train. “What I’m saying, Betty, is that I hope you enjoyed your evening, but I don’t think we’ll be seeing you again.” What about free shoes Monday? Is that off now?

In the coat room, Betty is looking through every coat which I find amusing since she wore the HOT PINK DOWN COAT that no one else seems to have copied. I can see it from here and I’m in the Midwest, dammit! And where is the coat check girl?

IT’S THE ONLY PUFFY PINK ONE THERE, BETTY!

Matt walks in and says, “If you are cold you can just say something. We have like 17 fire places.” Great, dude, way to read people. “Your mother just told me I’m not good enough for you and we don’t have a future,” Betty says. But you can still have sex with him, right?

Betty says she won’t come between Matt and his mother. Oh shut it, martyr. He says he wants both of them in his life and she’s like duh-huh, how are we going to make that work. Victoria shows up and says, “Matthew, dessert is ready. Come and have some when you say goodbye to your friend.” Ouch.

“I’m not saying goodbye to her mom, I’m saying goodbye to you,” he says. Yeah, until the trust fund dries up. I’d go crying back to mama too for billions and billions. Victoria tells him not to be ridiculous and he says, “I’m not sure exactly what you said to her, but I can guess. Goodnight mother. I’m leaving, with my girlfriend.” Wow, he does have balls. Good for you, Betty. Enjoy!

The next day, Marc brings in Willie’s almonds and seltzer and she’s all like oh HELL NO. He says he doesn’t want snack time to give her another episode, and she says that if he took a picture of her she will kill him. And eat him. Bet he’s pretty stringy, Willie, do you have floss handy?

Willie says that Molly taught Daniel to live life they way she wants until she dies, “And dammit, so do I!” Willie walks over to another tray and has caviar and champagne ready to pound down. Amen. Hope that doesn’t show up on the office supply bill!

Feed me, Seymour!

In the elevator, Betty catches up with Claire and tells her nasty Victoria changed the topic. “That old trick,” Claire says. Rich women in New York lead sad lives, I think. “And then she told me I was completely wrong for her son.”

“Oh,” says Claire, “She’s really playing by the rich bitch handbook.” As if Claire wouldn’t have done the same with Daniel. Betty says there must be something she can do to make Victoria like her and Claire is like wake up and smell the cocoa, Betty, that ain’t happening. “Grow up,” she tells Betty (finally). “Not everyone is going to like you. Suck it up and embrace it.” She tells Betty to throw the attitude right back at Victoria.

Back at the dorm, Daniel comes in, opens the window, makes a snowball and throws it at Molly. Daniel, you forgot to put a rock inside of it. He tells her they are going hiking, then tomorrow they are going to the beach. He wants to spend every free moment he has with her – no matter what she wants to do. “Let’s go play in the snow.” Where is her family?

Stop! I’m telling mom!

Betty is walking down the street asking Matt where he is when she bumps into Matt’s mother coming out of the house. “Waiting for Matthew?” she asks. No, for Godot, you idiot. They stand there and Victoria says, “I won’t apologize for who I am or what I think, Betty.” You’re a bitch and an elitist racist! No apology needed! “Well, neither will I,” Betty says. You’re a schlub and a doormat! No apology needed either!

“What can I say, my judgments are severe. It’s just the way I look at the world,” Victoria says. Okay, so you won’t apologize, but you certainly are justifying, which means you probably feel guilty, which means deep down you know you’re wrong so it is sort of an apology. Jump on it, Betty!

“Well I’m sorry for you,” Betty says. Wow, she really stood up for herself! She’s learning, Gasmii! “But I might be around for awhile.” Just ask Walter and Henry and Gio and Jesse! They can vouch for that sooo not being true. They stare each other down and Victoria walks away smiling. You know what would be totally telenovela-tastic? If Victoria bailed out Meade Publications and hung around for awhile!

The last ethnic thing Matt dated is currently hanging around my neck.

Matt shows up and he and Betty walk off into the sunset. “You play the piano?” she asks. “Oh, no,” you hear him say.

Next week? Sex and lots of it! Except for Betty and Matt. Is Betty not sexy enough, or is there another woman? Or is the other woman we see him hugging his SISTER? That he joked about having? See you next week Gasmii!