Ugly Betty: Papi Gets Some Hot Action! Aye Caramba!

Gross! Ugly Betty begins with Elena pouring pomegranate seeds into a blender, mixing, and pouring into glasses. Wouldn’t it be easier just to buy a bottle of POM? Probably cheaper in the long run, and definitely faster than pulling those damn seeds out of the fruit in the first place. Ugly Betty, why must you try my patience like this?

She must have realized what she was wearing.

Betty takes a swig and smiles, then immediately spits it out. I rarely do that with POM, especially if it’s been mixed with vodka. Hilda starts saying she came up with the pomegranate idea first and she should be the one rich and living in Beverly Hills. Only if her idea was pomegranate condoms, not that she used them, right Justin?

Exactly.

Papi comes flying into the kitchen a little too peppy saying it’s time to go for his “brisky” walk. I think he means “frisky” because he’s alive like a man in lust/love. He and Elena take off on his walk as Hilda and Betty throw out their juice which probably cost them like $10 in pomegranates. Please please please send me the name of your HMO so I can cash in like the Suarez family clearly has.

Is that Love Potion Numero Nueve?

Betty’s phone ring and it’s Claire Meade. FINALLY! God I’ve missed her like an alcoholic misses the sweet nectar of a POM and vodka! She’s dressed in a fluffy coat, hat, and dark sunglasses, and I’m praying to God she’s on the run from trying to kill someone else, preferably Molly Goody Goody. Claire asks Betty to come to a drugstore and bring cash, because “there has been a misunderstanding.” Yeah, of the five-fingered variety type, I’m guessing.

Mrs. Meade, did you murder someone again?

Betty is sure Claire did not steal the mascara, right Claire? “Betty, it’s not stealing if you can afford the mascara but simply do not have the funds with you to pay for it,” Claire says. Wha-huh? Oh my God, is that true? I’ll be down at the mall! Betty pays the security guard the $24 (when do they have $24 mascara at a drugstore, even in NY?) and leaves. Is it really that easy?

At work, Betty is passing this gem of info on to Daniel, and Betty wonders if there is something provoking all of this. Have there been more instances? Claire, you are my favorite. Turns out her 60th birthday is coming up and maybe she’s not handling it too well. So she’s rich, has beaten a murder rap, has her own magazine, but turning 60 is troubling. “Maybe she needs some attention,” Betty says. Or a smack on the snoot with a newspaper!

Betty suggests throwing her a surprise party for her birthday with a tribute video. Daniel’s not to sure about the video and because why now? Because the old home movies show Claire loaded and falling into the Christmas tree. I actually do have one friend who had this happen in her family, the only difference was that her mom was naked.

Give your kids the gift of Al-Anon, Claire.

Betty says the videos are hard to watch and Daniel says, “They are hard to live, too.” Poor little Gloria! Betty suggests using a camera to interview Claire’s friends and editing that together. Claire comes into Daniel’s office and says she knows she’s due for a talking to, hey, let’s do it over dinner! Why, is she going to steal it?

Unfortunately, Daniel has a thing, and this thing’s name is Molly. Molly is like the rest of us – normal job, normal clothes, desperate need for conditioner and getting her roots done. Translation: She’s boring! We watch TV to get away from ourselves, why bog us down with her? (Although I do hear someone is being killed off this season…here’s hoping!).

Betty is at home using a video camera from 1983 and asks Justin how to know it’s on, just like we all had to do in 1983. “If the red light is on, it’s on,” he says. Sometimes the red light lies. Hilda comes down all tarted up “like J-Lo.” She says, “I want my grandchildren to see how hot I was.” Has she not met Justin, because I’m pretty sure grandkids are a pipe dream.

She could make more money stripping
and it would get her out of the house more often.

Betty “turns off” the camera and sets it on the coffee table, however the red light is still on. RED LIGHT! Wonder if it will pick up anything heinous and at a weird angle?

Over in Central Park, Daniel and Molly are ice skating and Daniel manages to slam into snow bunny Wilhelmina who says, “Watch where you’re going, dumbass!” She and I are soulmates. Then Molly shows up, then Connor shows up, and Awkward-A-Rama ensues. How to make it more awkward? Molly says, “This is awkward.” Nothing gets past her.

I’m sorry, did we cover the awkward angle?

“Why?” Connor asks. “Just because my ex-fiance is here with her new boyfriend who is my mate.” Connor, I believe last season you mentioned you slept with one of your best friend’s wives or something. You might want to lighten the hell up. Daniel says they’ll go, Willie says they’ll go, and Connor says, “Oi! We’re all grown ups.” Connor, you are in New York. It’s “OY.”

So they all decide to go get some hot chocolate, hopefully spiked, as Connor and Molly relive their trip to Bhutan and Nepal and sleeping around elephants. See? Boring. Sort of. Daniel and Willie are bored out of their minds and Connor and Molly are ready to jump each other. You know what would make this episode rock? Foursome. Instead, Connor talks about the horrible rash Molly gets from wet clothes. Cancel the foursome.

The next day Betty wants to interview Daniel for his mother’s video and he wants Betty to book a direct flight from JFK to Tibet. His whitey-tighties must be too tight this morning, if he’s wearing underwear at all (questionable). He wants to impress Molly. By taking her to where Connor almost took her. Good luck with that, have you seen the size of Connor’s feet? I believe I have mentioned that once or ten times.

Daniel’s concern is that he’s never had a relationship last longer than 6 months which is why he wants to pack in a bunch of cool memories quickly. That makes no sense, because once you dump Molly, you won’t want to remember her, so why add an expensive trip to your pain? Rich people are so dumb sometimes.

Betty gets the camera out and it won’t record. Daniel takes a look at it and says that it’s not broken, it just has a lot of great shots of her front hall….front hall…front hall…and Papi grabbing Elena’s ass! Betty sees it and freaks out like anyone would if they saw their dad copping a feel from the help. D’oh!

Their insurance covers T & A? I must get their number!

At home, Betty is showing the video to Hilda who has apparently gone blind because she doesn’t really see it. They discuss talking about it with Papi, and Hilda brings up a good point, “What are we supposed to say? Papi, we saw you going for the junk in your nurse’s trunk?” Betty’s concerned that Elena might sue them or worse…quit. How is that worse? Hilda says she’ll talk to Elena and Betty can talk to their father about becoming “the booty bandit of Jackson Heights.” Heh.

You’re watching sex videos of your dad,
but no, Elena is the sick one.

The next day, Betty has her dad come into the city for lunch and proceeds to hem and haw around asking him anything about Elena. Hilda, back home, has a much more direct approach with Elena. “Did my father grab a handful of your ass last night?” she asks. Elena looks stunned. Betty and Papi are blah-blah-blahing…maybe that damn house-shaped and Crayola-colored purse is distracting her. Elena says not to worry about Papi. “He’s a lovely man,” she says, forgetting to add, “with his own sweet ass!”

Betty might want to talk to Papi, but that purse indicates
she’s the one who needs the real intervention.

Back at Mode where I’m guessing Wilhelmina is working hard on putting out another issue, she’s complaining to Marc about…Connor. She says he and Molly have trekked all through Asia together, but she has yet to see the inside of his apartment. Maybe because you have better décor for booty calls? Turns out Connor has invited Willie over, but “he lives in Murray Hill. I’m not a barbarian,” she says. That’s still Manhattan if Wikipedia has not steered me wrong.

Marc recommends that she open herself up “just a teensy bit to Connor.” The hell you say! That’s Wilhelmina Slater you are talking to! There are no doors to open! Marc suggests baby steps. Speaking of which, where is that kid of hers? Christina has been cooking that kid for like 2 years now, what is she having, an elephant? Be sure to tell Connor and Molly!

Over in the Mode vagina hallway, Claire tells Betty she’s heard from Liz Smith that Betty wanted to ask her some questions about Claire. Way to keep things under wraps, Liz. Betty stumbles too long for her excuse to seem plausible…she’s doing an assignment for Y.E.T.I. Oh, as if she’s even still in the program after Papi’s heart attack. She probably dropped that faster than her gut when she takes off that girdle at night.

Claire noticed that Betty brought her dad to work today (for show and tell), and Betty tells her about what happened and how she couldn’t talk to her dad about it. Claire says Bradford went through the same thing after his first heart attack and she finally had to slip him an extra sedative so she could get some sleep. She could have just shown him this season of Grey’s Anatomy.

Claire offers to talk to Papi much to Betty’s relief. She takes Papi for a quick cup of coffee (decaf for Papi, Claire!) and heads off. Hope she doesn’t five-finger Papi. You heard me.

The last time we see Papi alive. Also? Someone should tell
Claire that a pen leaked ink all over her jacket.

Marc is holding a huge poster of the next cover of Mode for Willie to approve (and P.S. what a waste of money), when Connor walks in to tell her he is off to sell ads to some people in London which again, is totally NOT what a CFO does. Willie’s like, “See-ya, see-ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” and Marc writes “Miss U” on the back of the poster. Willie says, “Of course, I will miss you.” Oh, that had to hurt.

COOOONNNNNOOOOR: The Opera!

Connor turns around and Marc turns quickly as though he’s looking at the poster. “You have an issue to put to bed,” Connor says, confused by the semi-warmth Willie is showing him. She says she’s rather be in bed with him, which geez, wait until Marc leaves the room for that load of crap. “Sharing feelings,” she says, weirdly. Marc gives the thumbs up until Connor turns and almost sees him. Marc is excused.

“Is there anything I can do for you while I’m away?” She asks. Never, never ask that unless you are willing to drive 20 miles each direction to feed goldfish. Or in this case, take care of Olivia Newton Bird. It’s a gray parrot-looking thing that I have no doubt is full of mites and lice and a whole mess of other salmonella-related diseases and fungus. Me no likey the pet birds, they sort of freak me out. (Although I do have to admit I felt bad for whatever foul was demolished by the hawk this morning in my backyard. I will lose this bad feeling when my dogs decide to roll in what’s left of the carcass then try to get on the sofa.)

Just drop it in the pot below, Connor.

ONB was a gift to Connor when Grease came out which means that damn thing is like 30 years old. Death is the word, bird. It’s got groove, it’s got meaning. He lets Willie hold the bird, kisses the bird, kisses Willie, and says, “There they are, my two best birds.” Okay, first of all, Willie is not a bird, a bird dates the Beatles. Second, you just passed lice from the bird to Willie. Ick.

Willie looks at the bird and says, “Olivia Newton Bird want a cracker?” and the bird squawks and says, “Pretty Molly, pretty Molly.” What a shame that bird is going to fly away while Connor is gone. Good luck in the big city, bird, and watch out for Pale Male, he’ll eat you alive!

Back at Casa Suarez, Betty and Hilda are comparing notes on their talks – Hilda’s went fine, Betty wussed out. She said she got Claire to talk to Papi instead which she thought was better since it was someone closer to Papi’s age. Papi said that Claire told him that Betty and Hilda were worried about him, and he says, “But everything is fine. Better than fine.” Did Papi color his hair again? Seriously, the Ugly Betty hairdressers should really get their shit together, the work on his hair is really inconsistent.

Just because it’s hair color for men
doesn’t mean you can ignore the directions, Papi!

Betty has to run to interview Claire’s friends for the tribute video. This ought to be good. First up, Liz Smith, who tells Betty the interview would probably work better if she turned the camera on. Show Liz the Papi and Elena show, Betty!

The first question she asks everyone is what is Claire’s best quality. Liz and the other women interviewed say, “She’s a fun drunk.” Then they qualify it by how many drinks she’s had: first five, fun; next 5, tears and obscenities; by 11 she’s a delight. What do they admire about her? How she was able to rebound from the murder conviction. The most fun people have had with Claire? When she wasn’t there. God, this is just what my friends would say too.

Worst sex video EVER!

Back at the office, Amanda asks Betty how “the Claire Witch Project” is going. Betty tells Amanda the women were horrible and Claire has no friends. What about the mascara wand? Amanda says she’ll give Claire a little birthday greeting to help out. Betty does a close up of Amanda who says, “Happy birthday Mrs. Meade. YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!” I would kill to see this tribute video.

Nice nose hair, Amanda.

Over in Willie’s office, the bird is tormenting her with “Pretty Molly.” Why the hell would you bring that lice ball into the office? Willie blames Marc for this and he says she should have offered to water his plants. Does Connor not have an assistant that could handle all this domestic bullshit? I mean, I’m not rich or famous but I often fantasize about someone else cleaning my toilets. In my fantasy, this person looks a lot like Martha Stewart.

Is Marc also Willie’s gyno?
He’s the best assistant ever!

“People in love do stupid things,” Willie says and Marc gasps. “Did you just say the ‘L’ word,” he asks. “Aww, Willie, have you told Connor yet?” No, of course not, you never, never, never say it first if you’re the girl, never, never, never! NEVER. Willie agrees with me wholeheartedly. “Until Connor makes the first move, no one outside this office will hear me say” (DON’T DO IT WILLIE!) ” ‘I love Connor.’ ” Oh crap. And sure enough, the bird squawks out, “I love Connor.” Well, it could have picked it up from Molly, right? Right?

How is Yak romantic? No wonder I don’t date.

In another, weirder part of town, New York is sporting a “Himalayan Yak Restaurant,” which really? “You remembered,” Molly said. Yes, he remembered from LAST NIGHT. Then Molly says, “There’s something you should know,” and we cut to inside where the host calls her Miss Molly and welcomes her back. Unfortunately, the host also asks about Mr. Connor and is very confused and upset with Mr. Daniel. As he walks to the table, he sees a picture of Molly and Connor up on the wall. Because why now? Oh, to piss off Daniel. Good work, Yak Room!

Molly certainly gets around, doesn’t she? YAK!

Betty is at home complaining that Claire’s friends are all losers and she doesn’t know what to do. Hilda calls Papi for dinner (screams is more like it) and Justin begs to see the footage. They are all setting the table and talking about something boring, screaming for Papi, Jesus JUST GO AND FIND HIM! Turns out he’s doing his “therapy” with Elena (if that’s what you kids are calling it these days) and Betty goes to get them both for dinner.

I’m sorry, I seem to have opened the door
on every kid’s worst nightmare!

AAAAAAAAACK! My eyes, my eyes! They are in the front vestibule making out! Say it ain’t so Papi – oh, wait, I actually don’t mind this one bit. At least someone is doing something telenovela-ish! YAY! They see Betty and come into the house. “Are you two…” Betty stammers per usual. Take a speech class! “…together,” Papi finishes.

Hilda and Betty are staring at Papi and Elena with arms crossed. Way to be open-minded, kids. Papi says that he wanted to keep it a secret but Claire told him to come clean because he had a good thing going with Elena. Hilda gets all up in Elena’s business for lying to her about something going on with Papi, that he’s her patient, it’s totally inappropriate, and I’m thinking if you want to see inappropriate, look at the clothes you wear.

NOT the faces of open-minded acceptance.

Elena goes to leave and Papi says she should stay. Betty tells her to go and Elena bullets right out of there. Papi says he knows he hasn’t dated since their mother and it’s not easy for them, but Elena won’t replace – “STOP!” Betty says. “Don’t use her name in the same sentence with Mom.” Calm down, amiga! Hilda says he absolutely cannot date Elena. Because why is this your business? Papi says this isn’t about him or Elena, it’s about Hilda and Betty and their need to get those huge sticks out of their butts and bug off. He’s got you there, girls.

I really wish I would have taken off my wedding ring
before I tried to make a point about my new girlfriend.

Back at the restaurant, the server drops off something with compliments from the chef. Daniel’s all like, “Let me guess? A Mr. Connor favorite?” and Molly says that no, it’s for her because she’s into the weirder stuff. Like domination? “Connor stuck to the noodles.” Daniel says he’s all about the adventure and takes a bite of the food they dropped off. It’s blood sausage and luckily he keeps it down. So by weirder she meant she’s a vampire? That does seem to be the rage right now.

The server comes over and Daniel orders what turns out to be broiled Yak tongue. Whatever. He changes his order to number 46, which turns out to be “Mr. Connor special.” Okay, now Daniel is pissed. You know, you’d think he would have been shamed enough just seeing Connor in the locker room, you know? How do you compete with such large gym shoes?

Funny…I never have a second cup of
fermented yak butter tea at home.

Daniel starts to tell Molly how upset he is, but then asks what they are drinking. “Fermented yak butter tea,” she says. I hate Molly, she’s a pretentious bitch, isn’t she? I mean, she tries to play it as though she’s just this average teacher, but she gets Daniel to loan her a high-fashion dress for some stupid school thing, she has flings with her fiance’s co-worker, and now she’s all about the yak butter. She probably buys it from Zabar’s and brews it herself every Sunday before finishing the Times crossword puzzle in record time.

Needless to say, they should have called the restaurant McYak because that’s pretty much what Daniel does. Way to branch out, rich jerk. I bet Mr. Connor never barfed. Of course, he’s Australian and has a stomach pickled in Foster’s.

So Betty with camera in-hand is following Claire in a store “for her Y.E.T.I. class,” although I’m guessing the only good footage she is going to get will corroborate the store video surveillance camera. Claire says she’s starting an advice column in Hot Flash. Betty gets a little ticked and asks Claire if she told her dad to sleep with Elena. Yes, I’m sure that’s how the conversation went.

In the midst of the mayhem and foolishness,
Betty catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

Claire says that her dad found someone to make him happy, what’s the big problem-o? Betty is incensed that her dad just had a heart attack, that Elena is too young, and that he’s not ready for something like this. “He’s not ready or you’re not ready?” she asks Betty. Then Claire grabs a thong and begins to head out the door. Betty grabs it from her hand just as the alarm goes off. The security guard grabs Betty and she’s nabbed for taking a thong her ass would never fit into. That’s the real tragedy.

As if.

Betty is trying to talk her way out of the thong theft but the security guard could solve this easily if he just asked her to turn around. Claire comes down the elevator with the manager of the store and tells them she tried to steal the thong, not Betty. The manager says he’s going to let the police figure it out. Nice burn on your security guard, dude.

Young lady, do you really need
that gyro with extra tzatziki? I think not.

Off to the side, Betty asks Claire why she’s doing this. Claire goes through this whole boo-hoo about how she married, had kids, and how everyone depends on you until one day you wake up and you are invisible. Okay, no one could depend on you because you spent a lot of time plowing into Christmas trees. Maybe they find you invisible because they had to forge ahead with lives while you climbed inside a Chardonnay bottle. I’m just saying, Claire, that I adore you, but you brought A LOT of this on yourself.

“Today’s my birthday,” she tells Betty, and she knows about the surprise party. Betty was surprised she knew and Claire says, “Betty, you are so good at many things but subtlety isn’t one of them.” Neither is dressing well, speaking well, or using a flatiron.

You know what Claire wants instead of a party? Time alone with Daniel. Eww! She tells Betty that she and Hilda won’t be living with Papi forever. They should be glad he found someone to spend his later years with. Of course, Elena is one hot piece of ass, so they should probably get the will sorted out now instead of when Papi has his next heart attack and dies naked with a smile on his face.

The manager comes by and tells them he’s seen the video surveillance tape – Betty can go, but Claire has some ‘splaining to do. She’s used to the cops, no worries Betty. One more time in jail and she gets a free toaster.

Is he giving birth to a yak?

Molly comes into Daniel’s office and he’s lying on his chaise moaning. He hopes she didn’t bring leftovers and she says yak tongue is better the next day – like pizza. Kick her out of the office now and go do one of the supermodels!

Daniel tells her he wanted them to have their own history but Connor is all over the place. I don’t know, I’d consider last night pretty memorable – as does Molly. I guess barfing on a Buddha will do that to you. Daniel’s phone rings and it’s Betty. So Daniel escapes and heads down to the store that apparently has no customers besides the Meade’s sticky fingers. He has a heart-to-heart with Claire before they head out to her party. I have to say, I absolutely covet her clutch. Maybe I’ll try to steal one this weekend.

Look what that effing bird did to my blouse!

Back in Wilhelmina’s office, she’s trying to teach Birdy Lice-ington to say it loves Prada or Gucci. Marc says, “I love Oscar de la Renta Fall 2009.” Jesus, even Molly couldn’t say that. Willie snaps, “Keep it simple, Mary!” She shakes her head. “Just throw it out the window,” she says. I’m right behind you on that one, Willie.

“But that’s…burder,” Marc says.

“It has wings. Let it fly south and torment some family on Staten Island,” she says. Did Connor bring that from Australia? With heroin up its ass? Because maybe it’s not legal in the U.S. She could get rid of it that way.

“You’d throw your boyfriend’s beloved pet out the window to avoid telling him you loved him?” Marc asks. Of course she would! Marc tells her that waiting for someone else to say “I love you” first doesn’t make you more powerful, it just means you’re afraid. Well DUUUH, that is why prefer it that way. Don’t scowl, Willie, you’ll wrinkle.

Elena is walking along the sidewalk with a grocery bag and the Triscuit product placement and French bread bursting out of the top, but nice job to the person who slapped in the bag of Goya whatever. Very authentic. She comes up to her stoop slowly because a horrible, fat, bag lady is sleeping there – no wait, it’s just Betty in her unfortunate ensemble. Breath-taking. As in, it is so ugly it knocks the wind out of you.

Sorry, thought you were going to beg me for money or cut me.
You aren’t, are you?

Betty came by to eat some Goya crow and apologize. She said they were just really surprised about the love match, and Elena says it was a surprise for her too. Betty says they were just worried for his heart and Elena says, “Romance is good for the heart, what did you think, we were hanging from the chandeliers?” to which Betty yaks up her lunch.

No, I’m telling you, Hilda’s breast are wonky!

“Your father is a good man…and he’s good for my heart, too,” Elena says. Aww. Who could deny that? So back over at Casa Hotpants, Betty comes in and says that there will be five eating tonight for dinner, and Elena walks in. Hilda is pissed. She pulls Betty aside and says it’s wrong but Betty says no, it’s just hard for them to see him with another woman. Hilda is so not having this.

Crap, now we have to eat this plate of broccoli.

“Hilda, mom is gone. That doesn’t mean that Papi has to spend the rest of his life alone,” Betty says. Hilda agrees but is worried about keeping her mother’s memory alive. If this were a true telenovela, their mother would come back as a ghost and haunt them, and bring some kind of puppet with her. Although I think Days of our Lives did something similar a few years ago.

Over at Willie’s house of mites, Connor returns and immediately asks about ONB. It would have been awesome if Willie had that thing turning on a spit over the fireplace. Instead, she blurts out, “Connor, I love you. I don’t know what you feel but I needed to tell yo—” she doesn’t finish because he’s all over her face telling her he loves her too. Then the bird says she loves Connor too. It’s a huge lovefest! Take off your shoes, Connor, take them off!

See what happens when you
profess your love to someone? Yak.

Claire and Daniel are all dressed up in the Mode offices and Claire says she doesn’t want to be late for her party. But instead, Daniel has dinner set up in his office because God forbid he should take his mother out somewhere nice like a real restaurant. Take her to McYak’s, she’d love that. Of course, she’d probably steal some of the silverware. They toast with champagne and what? Isn’t she a recovering alcoholic? Great birthday.

Thanks to the recession, we’ll be ordering from the cafetorium.

Willie and Connor are ice skating on an empty rink. Daniel and Claire are watching videos of a sober Claire reading a Christmas book to Daniel and Alex. Elena and Papi are laughing, Betty is smiling, and Hilda is giving everyone the stink-eye while Justin videotapes everything. And…scene.

Worst reality show ever, thanks Justin.

Next week? Christina finally drops the Meade spawn. And if there’s anything Crabby likes, it’s birthing scenes. Expect those scenes to be heavily Cliff-Noted.