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Ugly Betty opens with Betty trying to get a picture of herself for her Facebook page. She can’t seem to get a good one, go figure. She’s trying to get it uploaded before her next YETI class (I’m over typing the periods between the letters), and I’m just wondering how this program is going for her. Seemed like a good idea at the time, now it just seems like that interpretive dance class you’ve signed up for and don’t want to quit because dammit, you paid your $60. I’m just saying.
Betty tells Justin that Tina Brown is coming to speak at YETI and he wants her to sign his Diana Chronicles book. Hilda, in a moment of quick thinking, says they can sell it and pay for some decorating because some clients said her place looked raggedy. What do you expect from a salon built from a cross between a three-season porch and a carport?
Oh, and call the bloody wahhhmbulance for Papi, his heart is having problems because Elena is in California for a few days. Papi, now is the time to break your diet and chow on some heavily-cheese tortilla soup! And cheese whiz! And cheese! Eat, Santa, EAT!
Daniel calls and sounding the way I do right now (nothing like a good spring cold to release the crab), snots that he’s sick and he thinks he’s dying. Just squirt some Zicam, drink some Alka-Seltzer cold medicine and get the hell back to work like the rest of us! No, no, he wants Betty to call his doctor because “it hurts to dial.” I’ll give you something that hurts, buddy, it’s called a reality check in a size 10 Via Spiga up your ass!
And, like the rest of us, he has checked into the Amsterdam hotel to sweat it out. Guess it doesn’t hurt to dial room service, does it, spoiled brat? And what doctor makes hotel calls? (Don’t answer that). “Sounds like somebody’s a big baby,” Hilda says, and I couldn’t agree more, which should tell you how sick I must be to agree with her! “Must be nice to be rich,” Papi says. Well duhhhh.
Speaking of rich, Wilhelmina wakes up in her ginormo bed to find her baby is missing! No, wait, Connor has him. I was hoping Olivia Newton Bird had taken off with him…you know, two birds, one stone, only this time one of the birds was really a bird. She’s named the kid William, by the way. Connor brought her breakfast and Willie says, “I just wish I could live in this moment.” Me too, only without the kid. Connor suggests they run away together, where no one could find them. If she won’t go, I will!
At the office, Amanda holds up a mirror to Betty. Betty fidgets, trying to figure out what is wrong (it ALL is, Betty). Finally she says, “WHAT?!?” and Amanda says, “I need to know that YOU know what you are wearing.” Yes, thank you! Marc grabs Betty to go to YETI and says, “Let’s go, Slow-Poke-ahantas!” What a threesome they would make.
At the elevator, Betty runs into Molly and asks her about her leak. Molly’s all like, “Leak?” Yes, the one you had not-at-all to cover for the doctor’s office visit of death? Molly wants to see Daniel but Betty tells her he’s out sick and sort of covers where he is. Marc says, “He’s at the Amsterdam under Mr. Sickington. Give our love to pasty-face.”
Sadly, Tina Brown has cancelled her appearance at YETI and instead they have some boring accountant talk about magazine budgets. Sweet Christ! Looked like a fascinating discussion as they all wake up and clap. “You make amortization…sexy,” Jodie says. Well, somebody has to. Homework: everyone has to get their magazine budgets for the year. AS IF they would give those out! Marc suggests since they work at the same place, Betty does the fun numbers stuff and he’ll do the presentation. Wasn’t Betty there under the guise of having worked for Player? Shouldn’t she be getting a budget that has line items for KY and Trojans?
Sports Guy mentions he has an MBA and a half a law degree (and almost became a large-animal vet, wha-huh? Someone had a lot of time on his hands after undergrad) and he would be happy to go out for a drink with her to discuss numbers. “Smooth,” Marc says. Hey Marc, where’s Cliff? That’s what I thought, now shut it! Betty, clearly as inept with men as I am, doesn’t get the invite and says they’ll be fine on their own. That’s right Betty, so many men, so little time. GRRR.
Marc calls Betty a saucy little minx, which…ew, then calls Sports Guy “tall, dork, and handsome.” That is an excellent assessment. “Give him a shot at love, Tila Tequila!” Betty thinks it would be too weird – what if they dated and it didn’t work out and she had to see him all the time? I wish that could happen to me with Clooney!
Marc asks Betty if it isn’t going to be weird to be down in accounting getting the budget because of her former “lov-ahh” Henry and she says she’s totally over him. Until she sees his name plate at his cube is still up. Isn’t that attached with Velcro? I’m surprised he didn’t take it with him for his baby’s nursery or his bathroom or something.
Marc asks Budget Girl if anyone’s heard from Henry and she’s like “all the time, man.” Guess who else is on Facebook? “He posted all these awesome pictures of himself with his girlfriend in Peru,” she says. How is he affording that with a new baby? Son of a bitch! Betty assumes Budget Girl is talking about Charlie (skank) but she says, “No, I think this girl’s name is Samantha.” Oh, no, that did not just happen. Henry gets around as much as Betty does. They were perfect for each other!
Back at home, Betty is kvetching about Henry and his new girlfriend and Justin suggests she channel her energy into a project like Shutting the Hell Up. Betty looks over the budgets and there are just numbers and spreadsheets and excel files everywhere. Wonder if they are any more fun at The New York Review?
Over at the Amsterdam, they are really mucking with the feng shui with that headboard! That’s just cutting through the energy all over the place, someone get some crystals, quick. Betty’s telling Daniel she had some coffee and some energy drink called Cocaine in a Can. Looking over Daniel’s shoulder, she sees that he’s shopping for jewelry, mainly engagement rings. He should really check out the ones on eBay, you can get a much better deal there. Also, does anyone remember the last time Daniel got engaged this quickly? Selma Hayek squished his ego with her bountiful bosom and he was the laughing stock of New York.
Betty tells him that the budgets don’t really add up, they keep coming up short. Daniel says that it’s probably nothing because they keep moving money from one magazine to the other. NO YOU DON’T! You just do not do that! Each magazine is its own entity, you can’t just flip budgets around like that. Oh, my God, Willie ought to cash in and leave before the Meades ruin what’s left of their fortune! Or someone else does…dun-dun-dunnnn!
Daniel suggests she talk to Wilhelmina or Connor, as he is the CFO and if there are any money problems, “I’m sure he can fix them.” And we cut over to Willie and Connor looking over the budget and patting Betty on the head as they tell her to go play. “Corporations always move money from one division to another,” Connor tells her, placing this bullshit under Accounting 101 and my accounting professor just rolled over in his abacus. “As amusing as I find this conversation…no, I’m not amused. LEAVE,” Wilhelmina tells Betty. She is my idol.
Wilhelmina asks Connor if there is anything to be worried about. Oh please, she’d be on that like mocha on ccino! Connor tells her not to worry her pretty little head (well, that’s what it seemed like), but then evil music plays as Connor looks after Betty. Of course, it could have been her outfit making those sounds. Connor leaves Willie’s office and makes a phone call, gives a bank account number, password “Sydney” (Oh, yeah, no one would guess that), and he mentions money transfers from Meade Publications. “Looks like I’ll have to make my next transfer ahead of shhhhedule,” he says. You know, there IS a “C” in that word, try to pronounce it next time. You’re not the queen mother!
So Betty takes her sob story to the other two Musketeers, Marc and Amanda, and Amanda gets them to guess who she slept with last night. It was Edgar Winter, and Marc says, “Mmmm vanilla.” Yeah, and that’s the kind that’s going to leave a nasty aftertaste, blech! Marc thinks Betty is obsessing about accounting because she misses Henry. Or, someone is stealing! He suggests calling tall, dork and handsome (that is NEVER going to get old) to get some numerical help.
Betty tries to call Sports Guy and gets interrupted by Connor, hangs up on Sports Guy, calls him back, gets interrupted by Connor, hangs up on Sports Guy, and by the time this charaaade ends, Betty has been handed documents she needs to sign for Daniel (say-what-now-huh?) and finally gets Sports Guy to meet her for drinks. Wow, that was an exhausting paragraph to write just to move this story along.
Sports Guy is really growing on me, by the way, but I also liked Molly at first too. I’m so fickle, it’s tragic, really.
Over at the Amsterdam, Molly has stopped by to see Daniel which, great security, Amsterdam! What are ya, high or something? Daniel doesn’t want to let Molly in but she brought broiled yak soup for him and he’s on it like flies on poo. Actually, it’s probably chicken noodle. He lets her in and she says she needs to talk. That’s never good. Oh Lord, Daniel is hovered over a vaporizer and I wish he would vaporize! What a pansy ass. She’s being serious and he’s all babyish. She looks over to the bed, freaks out for some reason, and leaves. I thought it was the headboard, bu then Daniel looks over at the bed and sees his computer screen had diamond rings on it. She’s never going to believe that’s your screen-saver!
Back in Wilhelmina’s office, Connor is asking Willie if she’d be interested in just taking off, just her, him, and that irksome baby. She’s like, sure, once I put the magazine to bed, yeah, let’s head outta town. But he means for realsies! Luckily, Gaultier is on the phone throwing a hissy fit and Marc says, “Anything could have set her off.” I get the same way! Wilhelmina takes the call and Connor is pissed and storms out. His eyebrows have become excessively evil. Hott!
Over martinis…what? Sports Guy drinks martinis? I mean, I guess beer would have been too obvious, but what about a nice scotch? He’s an MBA and half a JD for Chris Angel sakes! He’s telling Betty that no, the numbers really should add up. Why wouldn’t the accountants have caught that? Even Sesame Street teaches us about when one of these things is not like the other, doyee.
Then it becomes date night…he says he’s glad Betty remembers all the cool things he is and/or almost was, then quizzes her on his favorite movie, which is always first date talk. If memory serves me correctly. Betty thinks…If it is Rudy, I’m erasing this episode right now. Betty guesses The Godfather which is ironic since Betty is sort of the Fredo of the Meade empire, but it’s really Wall-E, which…at least it’s not porn, right? That is so not hott.
Betty’s phone rings and she thinks it’s someone answering her budget questions. Sort of: It’s Henry. He’s poking her. Dude, you are like 5 guys behind right now. She turns her phone off. Good thinking – the ghost in front of you is hotter and more childless than the ghost in Tucson, I’m just saying. Then she ruins it: “Have you ever found out an ex is dating someone new?” Way to ruin the evening, Betty.
So Betty tells him the whole story. Even I would know better and I can’t remember the last date I had. Betty’s hands are cold and Sports Guy rubs them (sexy!), then she freaks out and decides to leave (she is a moron). But Sports Guy has to tell her – he forgot his wallet. That is a great idea for getting out of paying for drinks when your date talks about her ex ALL DAMN NIGHT LONG!
So Betty goes to the local ATM where no doubt people get robbed, checks her balance before taking any money out, and the balance is $102,242.13. Just like mine was before my company caught me embezzling from the charity fund. Betty freaks! Gee, seems sort of interesting the budgets don’t add up and Betty’s rich beyond her wildest dreams (and you can see how really not-wild they are).
Oh, Nasonex Bee, will you ever find love?
Betty’s back at Banco Suarez showing Hilda and Papi her bank receipt. I probably would have been on the phone to the BANK, particularly in this current economic climate, to see what the hell that was all about. Hilda’s begging to keep it for new shoes or to redecorate her salon/crackhouse. Then Betty says, “Well, the bank told me it came from Meade.” Oh, okay, she’s not as dumb as I anticipated. Or have witnessed. Then – oops! Betty forgot she was supposed to bring money back to the bar for Sports Guy. Worst date ever for this poor guy!
Betty calls Sports Guy to apologize and gets his voice mail, so she calls him Henry, then spends the next 60 seconds apologizing and blah-bedy-blah blahing in such and embarrassing fashion I can’t even type it. Horrifying. AND HE STILL WON’T CALL ME because he’s hot for leecher.
Back at Mode the next day, Amanda sees Betty and tells her a cute-ish boy is here to see her. “Is he the one you’re trying to sleep with to get over the other one?” Sorta! Then we hear Sports Guy say, “Uh, I’m right here.” Amanda knows, honey, she just doesn’t care. Betty is mortified. Because it’s true!
Betty tells him what happened and he says it’s fine, the bar started him a tab. With WHAT? He had no money. Man, I wish I could start tabs like that, I would totally do that with the gas company. Then he apologizes for pushing her to go out with him when she’s still hung up on Accounting Guy. She swears she’s not, but she’s worried that they are both in YETI and that if they went out and it didn’t work it might be awwwwkward. Sport Guy counters with, “But it might be great.” This guy is really growing on me….
He says maybe they should be together because they have the same passion. Matchbox cars? No – he means the magazine business. He says he’ll be at the bar tonight because with his tab, he’s a regular now. He hopes she can join him. With so many men to choose from, I hope she can fit you in.
Up in Accounting, Betty is checking on why that money was moved. Accounting Girl says she doesn’t know either, but it’s got Betty’s name written ALL OVER IT. She’s the one who authorized it. Hmmm. When did she sign anything recently? WHEN?
Marc asks Betty if she’s finished their homework assignment and she tells him what happened. He doesn’t know who would have put that money into her account, but you can be damn sure Marc is going to see how he can get his hands on some of that bad accounting ju-ju. I know I would!
Betty catches up with Connor and they get on the elevator together. Hope there’s a security camera! She tells him about the money and he tells her he knew about the transfer and knows she authorized it because he saw her name. He says, “I grew up poor Betty, I get it. Your father’s sick.” Betty’s like hey, Crocodile Dundee, I didn’t take the money and Connor says, suck on it Rosie Perez, everyone investigating is going to think you did. Oh, Connor, how low you have sunk?
“Did you put the money in there?” she asks. Slower than a snail on NyQuil. He stops the elevator (with a button, not his charm). He moves in really close to Betty and tells her he’s not going to hurt her. He tells her to keep the money but to shut the hell up about the financials. “You’ve been stealing from the company?” she asks. Connor, never tell your plan until everyone is dead! Haven’t you ever seen Scooby Doo or a James Bond movie? Keep it shut until you get out of the country and leave the carnage behind you!
Turns out he linked Betty to Daniel in this whole thing and they will both go to jail. Would they share a cell? Because that sounds like absolute hilarity! Hope Claire kills someone for super-real this time, then it could be like Three’s Company Alcatraz-style. And why is Connor doing this? He won’t say. But he does threaten Betty’s family which, if he knew Hilda, he wouldn’t. She could totally kick his ass. Betty totally gives him the stink eye. That’ll learn him!
Back upstairs, Connor is in Willie’s office and he’s standing like a bull that hasn’t been fixed. Unless you have a Thigh-Master between your legs, Connor, close them. He wants to talk to talk to Willie seriously. She asks if he needs a spanking and he admits to stealing from the company, so yes, he should be spanked at the least. At first, she thinks he’s joking, but then he says it’s not. “I’m taking the money, leaving the country, and I want you and the baby to come with me,” he says. If I don’t bring a baby, can I go with you instead?
Willie takes some steps back because somewhere she has a conscience (in her left little toe?) and she’s horrified. “What am I supposed to say?” she says. “Yesterday you were going to take me on a trip and today you are a thief.” Just like United! Connor probably has a 60% on-time arrival time as well.
“Let me explain,” he says, which, really? How is an explanation going to make this situation better? “Being nice to the Daniel Meade’s of the world has served me well. But I’ve had to hide how I really feel. I hate the selfish son-of-a-bitch!” Well, so does everyone else, but we don’t steal off of him. He’s too stupid to steal from, I mean the man throws away loose change! Just follow him for a week or two and you’ll probably collect the same amount of money he has in his bank account.
Then the truth comes out. He hates Daniel because “of what he took from me.” Yep, still hung up on Molly. Yak. Now Willie’s pissed. “I don’t love her, I hate him! I wanted to take from the selfish brat!” Needless to say, Willie’s pissed because half of the Meade fortune is hers, which I had to think about until I remembered there was a deal when Tranny Meade left the series for the shares to be split for not being charged with attempted murder against Christina. Whatever happened to Stuart? Te amo, telenovela. Muchos besos!
Connor says, “Your baby owns half of Meade!” which…it’s Willie’s until that kid turns 18, right? This is what happens when your CFO goes on ad sales calls…he loses his mind. Connor says, “I’ve found a way to take all of their money, and I want to give it to you.” If she turns you down, I swear to GOD I’m next in line. It’s like the lottery plus, what with Connor attached, yum!
Connor tells her he’s chartered a private jet for tonight and he wants her to be on it. Save me a seat, you bastard! He hands her…I don’t know, the keys? An eTicket? Also, way to live up to the stereotype of Australians descending from felons, Connor! I mean, I expect this from that Nazi Mel Gibson, but you? Tsk tsk.
Betty flies over to the Amsterdam like a monkey from The Wizard of Oz and tells Daniel everything that is going on. Suddenly Mr. Sniffles isn’t dying anymore, he’s washing his girl hands and trying to figure out what to do. Tell mom, Daniel, she has experience in murder most foul! Instead, he’s not sure who to turn to because the Meades are freakin’ morons.
Over at Willie’s Marc has come by with all of Willie’s things from the office, which basically looks like Marc just hit every store in the city. “Willie, you’re so mysterious with the ‘Grab all my things, bring them to my apartment.’ ” Poor, clueless Marc. She asks Marc if he’s ever considered giving everything up. “Every time I step on the scale.” Focus, Marc, focus.
“Connor’s stealing from the company and he’s asked me to run away with him,” she says. Did she have to include that first part? Couldn’t she have just left? Marc laughs until he realizes she’s not joking. Marc is totally pissed that she’s considering leaving because Mode is her life but also there are other people who have sacrificed for her, for example, uh, oh yeah, MARC! He only thinks about himself. That’s why he and I are non-sexual soul mates.
She says, “If you had the chance to have all the money you ever needed and could spend the rest of your life with the person you loved, would you?” Could I bring my dogs? I mean, I probably would have an issue with George Clooney embezzling until I saw him naked while I was online shopping for a monogrammed Maserati, but then I’d think, well, I left the church years ago when they tried to teach us those 10 pesky commandments, so what difference would me going to Hell make now? I might just have better seats! Up close to the stage, where Mick Jagger would be performing!
Walking down the hallway Mode hallway are Betty, Daniel in a newsboy cap, and Claire in an unfortunate sweater vest. Claire brings awesome news with her: All the Meade accounts were cleared out that morning. You know, I got a call from my bank within 24 hours of someone using my bankcard number to buy a Wal-Mart gift card in New Orleans….seems like the Meade’s Bank of Douchebags might consider similar security for their millions. Maybe they bank at Gringott’s and the goblins hate
Later the Meades are in Daniel’s office talking to someone in a suit, probably one of the many lawyers who helped Connor get away with this. They seriously have the worst advisors ever. Amanda comes by Betty’s desk and asks what’s up. Betty tells her it’s serious and Amanda’s concern is that they are bringing pink back. I wish I had her life sometimes.
Betty looks over and sees that Marc is stressed. He walks into Willie’s office and Betty follows. “Is everything…gone?” he asks. Yep. “I had no idea she would do something like this,” he says. Willie, say it ain’t so! “I thought she loved Mode more than anything.” Again, I would have to mention our felon Connor’s shoes. Huge. Mezmerizing.
Betty begs him to tell her where Willie is. Marc hand her a card that tells where she’ll be meeting Connor. If Betty hurries (as if), Willie and Connor can be stopped. Betty runs out of the room.
Over at the airport of doom, sexual intrigue, and embezzlement…Willie is walking towards an airplane with a very Casablanca-y look, luggage, and no baby. Good thinking, that kid will just weigh you down. Let Claire raise it, she did such a great job with the other Meade kids.
Suddenly a car pulls up and Claire, Daniel, and Betty all get out. “Good God,” Willie says, “What do you clowns think you are doing?” Getting out of the clown car, Willie, pay attention! They are there to stop her and she calls them idiots because they are “going to ruin everything.” Too late. A horde of cops begins to show up in Miami Vice fashion and they wonder who called them. “I did,” Willie says. She didn’t go to the dark side after all. Phew!
Willie’s phone rings and it’s Connor…he figured she would change her mind, so he “took an earlier flight.” This reminds me of the original Thomas Crown Affair when Steve McQueen screwed Faye Dunaway at the end of the movie. Good for you Steve, her beehive hair deserved it!
Connor can hear the sirens in the back, and he says, “So you chose your career, huh?” No, Connor, she chose the LAW like most LAW ABIDING citizens do. Sorry stealing is in your DNA, you Aussie prick. “I wish you’d chosen differently. I still love you.” Oh bite the big one with mustard, Connor. And call me later!
Still at the airport that is clearly devoid of any form of TSA, Betty brings Willie some coffee in a poker coffee cup. Too bad she got the losing hand. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through,” Betty says. Sure you can, you’ve lost enough boyfriends. “I don’t need your sympathy,” Willie spats. So maternal. “He asked me to choose. Him or my career.” I don’t really think that was the choice. He asked you to choose between living on the lam as a criminal or staying in New York as a tax-paying citizen. If you’re Bernie Madoff, those are pretty similar. However, your career had nothing to do with it.
She tells Betty she spent her entire life building her career. “In life, you can’t have it all,” she tells Betty. Of course not, where would you put it? Betty says she doesn’t believe that. “You are young, Betty, but you are a career girl just like me.” Well, at least until she gets knocked up. “You’ll see,” Willie says. Betty sees your challenge and raises you a potential boyfriend.
She heads home to see Elena who has returned from her 5,384 minutes away from Papi. Betty asks her about having to choose between work or a personal life. At the risk of being ignored by a nurse the next time I need a bedpan in the hospital, I’m thinking that a magazine editor and a nurse don’t have the same kind of stresses. They both have stress (please bring the bedpan!), but a magazine editor has to live in the public eye, answer to shareholders (a lot), get hundreds of pages of copy, graphics, photos, and ads out each month, and make sure their magazine makes more money than its competitors. Nurses have to deal with crabby people they could easily suffocate with a pillow. She says no, she didn’t choose between career and a personal life and that’s how she was able to meet Betty’s dad. Well, Wilhelmina met Connor at work and look how that turned out. I’m sorry, what was the question again?
Back at the Mode offices, Daniel walks into his office to find Molly sitting there. Wouldn’t it have been cool if she had been sitting next to Connor on the plane? Oh my God that would have been an excellent twist of events! I’m going to pretend it happened that way. La-la-la!
Instead, Molly’s come to the office to harsh my mellow by telling Daniel she has cancer – she had it before and she’s sick again and it’s worse. Probably from blood sausage! He may have been looking at rings for their future, but she doesn’t have one. She’s decided to go stay with her family but Daniel won’t have it. “You can’t drop this in my lap and walk out. It’s not fair,” he tells her. Yes, but having cancer is totally fair, so great point. Bye Molly! Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!
Claire is standing in the doorway and witnesses all of this. So they lost all their money and Daniel lost his girlfriend all in one day? This family has the worst luck sometimes. And Claire has the worst blouse on, how did I miss that it was leopard-print? Yeesh.
Willie’s at home not sleeping when William starts to cry. I hear ya, buddy. She goes over to pick him up. Wouldn’t it have been awesome if his diaper was full of money that Connor left her? We switch over to Betty sitting in front of her computer, trying to decide if she wants to accept Henry’s poke. Confirm? Ignore? She confirms. Oh brother.
Over at the bar where Sports Guy is waiting, we don’t see Betty…and he forgot his wallet again! But then, there’s Betty! Sports Guy looks up and sees her and does this absolutely freaking adorable thing where he closes his eyes and sets both hands down on the bar like he’s relieved she’s there and calmly excited if that makes sense, and it is so unbelievably charming I teared up. And if any of you tell anyone that happened, I will kill you dead.
Next week? Betty gets laid. No, wait, that happens pretty much every week. Next week, Familia Suarez decides to buy their house but need money, so Papi agrees to be on a televised cook-off and ends up stressing so much that he goes down for the count. Hope they didn’t sign any waivers or they’ll be out of luck for any lawsuits! See you then!