Ugly Betty: Rabbit Test? If Someone is Pregnant, I’m Blowing My Head Off

Previously on Ugly Betty, which was like decades ago, the Meades lost their money through embezzlement and not through gambling and hookers as expected, Papi almost died but now that storyline is dead, and Betty decided the threat of AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, the herp, and hairy genital warts was no match for her horniness for Richie Rich Sports Guy Matt. And again, I ask, where is Gio? Things were so much simpler when he was around.

We open this episode with Wilhelmina and Daniel slumming it like the rest of us do on the way to work via – ick! – public transportation. Oh, Willie, never wear patent leather on sidewalks, you’ll only regret it. And Daniel gets his briefcase caught on the bus railing because he’s a total and complete tard.

I Am Sam takes Manhattan!

But wait! Who is getting out of a limo but one Betty Suarez! Courtesy of once-cute but now really gross Matt. Damn. WHERE IS GIO??? WHERE? Matt tells her he’s not really a “limo kind of guy,” except he is if there are naked chicks in the back, but he thought it would be fun because you know, “it’s Tuesday.” Betty tells him to stop pampering her because she feels guilty. Not half as guilty as you are going to feel when you lie to Papi about your feminine itching, chica.

“There goes hot air balloon Wednesday,” Matt says. Did he mean hot air blue balls Wednesday? He even considers “Submarine Thursday,” which I believe he means as “hide the submarine Thursday.” People, please, he’s a sex addict and I absolutely am not going to let this go.

Let’s never let what goes on at work come between us.

Betty enters the Mode offices just as the fun TV screen behind her goes to those colored bars you see on late night TV when you think you are watching an infomercial on rainbows but you are really just stoned. Movers are taking all of the really important Mode work items like big screen TVs, chairs, and bright red busts with half-heads (you can totally find those at any office supply store).

Marc tells Betty that the sex issue was a “limp noodle” like Matt totally isn’t, and they’ve “cut the budget to the bone.” Please tell me how taking their chairs and mannequins are going to help that, unless they are giving them to Clean House to sell. Amanda says that anything leased or “non-essential” has got to go. First of all, why would you lease chairs and mannequins, and second of all, Amanda better hide the rest of the afternoon.

A guy in a dark coat comes by asking for Betty and Marc wants to know if they need any help “loading her onto the truck.” Yes, they will. Instead, he is carrying a briefcase and asks for her I.D., a thumb print, her first born and rights to Sisterhood of the Traveling to the Floor of My Boyfriend’s Apartment Pants, then tells her that the “Calvin Hartley Charitable Foundation” thanks her blabbedy blah blah.

It’s like Logan’s Run, only in 2009.

Daniel overhears and gets as excited as a kid on Christmas because he thinks the suitcase delivery is for him. He opens the briefcase and pulls out a pretty tacky green marble-y looking thing that opens and reveals an egg. The foundation runs an Easter egg hunt (note to TV execs, Easter was weeks ago) that is very exclusive (aren’t they all?) and Daniel is all excited about being invited.

It’s not the Holy freakin’ Grail, it’s a tacky box from 1985.

The egg opens and it’s for Betty. Because Cal Hartley is Matt’s dad, and he wants his potential daughter-in-law/housekeeper to join them for some Christian fun. Daniel is devastated. Justin, however, is not – he’s on the phone and in the background Papi is screaming “Why do you need my fingerprint?” Seems as if the entire Suarez Casa has been invited. No worries, I’m sure Hilda is Keepin’ it Klassy.

Over at Willie’s house of messy kids, she’s having her picture taken by that irritating photographer who did the sex issue. If the issue sucked, maybe it was because of him. Do you really want your kid subjected to that? No, go to Olan Mills like the rest of us did, and get a picture with that wagon wheel. Do it!

Watchu talkin’ about Miles?

Christina takes the baby from Willie and the photographer asks if Christina was the egg donor as well as Willie’s surrogate. Oops! Willie tells him no, but he remarks that the baby looks awful. I’m sorry, he says the baby looks an awful lot like Christina. Which I guess is awful – she can be a real mess sometimes.
Willie reminds the photographer that the baby’s father is white, but “he’ll brown up eventually.” Just like the chicken I cooked last night. The photographer says that his job is to see things, including faces (what a tool), and “that child really looks like that woman.” Now Willie’s mind is churning and she’ll have butter in no time.

Suddenly we’re treated to the best dating video of someone I’ve ever seen: Cal Hartley. Although I guess it’s less of a video dating project and more of an arrogant jerk project. It shows him climbing Mt. Everest, flying in space, brokering peace in the Middle East, inventing a new artificial hip (because the current ones are made of soy?), and winning his 3rd Indianapolis 500. Oh Richard Branson is so going to bitch-slap this guy.

I smell ass, or at least AN ass.

“Yep, that’s dad,” Matt says. And speaking of slapping someone, he’s really starting to irritate me with this whole trying-to-be-under-the-radar-rich-but-now-sort-of-flaunting-it-in-a-very-passive-aggressive-way. And if there is one thing recappers know, it’s passive-aggressiveness. Just ask our moms.

Hilda, in Keepin’ it Klassy mode, says that she hears they have a real “Fab-burge” egg hidden somewhere. Jesus, what did you get on your GED, beer? Justin corrects her and she tells him that the “e” is silent. So are all the synapses in her head.

Betty’s concerned because she didn’t hit it off with Mrs. Hartley, she was hoping for something less stressful when meeting his dad, like having him over to dinner where Papi cooks. How is that less stressful? “Meeting my father is a really big deal. My father turns down invitations to the White House,” Matt says in a way that makes me want to smash his face in with something medieval. My dad turns down his covers every night, you don’t see me bragging about that, do ya, jerk? I liked it so much better when you forgot your wallet and wore elbow patches on what I thought was an old sports coat.

The next day at work, Betty is reading up on Cal Hartley because what else is there to do when your company is crashing and burning? Turns out Cal likes to rescue struggling companies, especially newspaper and magazine publishing. Hmmm. Well, last time I thought Victoria Hartley would buy into Meade Publications – guess I just missed it by one parent.

Daniel is all over this like Daniel on a honey, and Betty says she’ll ask Matt if he can help them set up a meeting. “Matt would be more than happy to set up a meeting with his dad,” she says. Seems like if that were the case, Matt would have mentioned that when his LUVAH Betty began working for a bankrupt magazine, but whatever.

I can totally do it! I’m That Girl! in ugly form.

Leaving the building, Matt says, “I can’t do it.” Can’t or won’t, jerk? “Everybody wants to talk to my dad. Invitations to the White House, remember?” Yes, but only because you were such an ass when you mentioned it. He flat out tells her “the answer’s NO,” then he gets in a cab ahead of her. It’s like the three faces of Matt here…pick one. Nerd, Sexaholic, Asshole. Even Sybil would be like, take a chill pill and pick one personality, dude.

Daniel walks out behind them and gives Betty the thumbs up. Not having opposable thumbs, Betty just shrugs and smiles. Rut-roh.

Back at Case Suarez, Betty is lamenting her situation. Justin tells her she has no idea how much pressure rich people are under, and he knows because he’s been watching Dynasty on the Soap channel. Papi suggests she just tell Daniel the truth. Oh, yeah, good one Papi. We like to call truth-telling Plan B.

Next time, hit harder.

Over at Willie’s, they are looking through pictures of a very white baby. So white, it’s just a matter of time before he’s Heiling Hitler. Willie points out the picture and says the baby really has the Slater chin. Marc reminds her that she hasn’t had a Slater chin since 1981. Was Marc even born then? Willie says he must look like Bradford. Haven’t you seen Bradford? You should be able to tell.

“Except for the fish belly complexion, I don’t see Bradford in there either,” Marc says. Then Marc realizes something’s up, and Willie tells him the photographer thinks the baby looks like Christina and Marc is like, OHMYGODHETOTALLYDOES! Oops!” Churn, churn. Marc tries to comfort her by telling her it’s medically impossible.

What do you mean my earrings are hideous?

“Actually, it is medically possible,” says the doctor who has been summoned to Willie’s office the following day. He tells her that it’s possible that Christina could have been pregnant when they implanted the embryos, the embryos wouldn’t have taken, and the baby is actually hers. Seems like they may have wanted to run a PREGNANCY TEST prior to such an expensive procedure, but quality control ain’t what it used to be. Willie has just created clotted cream in her mind.

Willie’s pissed because if little William isn’t hers, she “goes back to being a paid employee.” And one who has begun drinking in the afternoon if that wine glass is any indication of how she handles stress. Personally, I just kept the vodka Velcro-ed to the underside of my desk for easy grabbing and no discernable smell. She tells Marc to find out if Christina has sex before the procedure. OR, they could just do a DNA test. May not be cheaper, but definitely less awkward.

It’s like looking into a mirror during my workday.

Betty comes into the conference room to speak with Daniel and it turns out his team has been up all night working on the proposal for Hartley. Yes, because when I’m with a company that’s about to fire a bunch of people and go completely belly-up, I put in overtime. Yeesh.

Daniel is so excited about their presentation, and shows Betty how they made a video of Daniel that is almost identical to the one they viewed of Hartley, only it’s less interesting and Daniel hasn’t done half the stuff Hartley has. Snore! Betty, having no balls, tells Daniel that Hartley is going to love it. Oh Lucy, you are going to have a lot of ‘splaining to do later.

Pulling an all nighter? Is there any bong water left?

Over in the closet, Betty is talking to Christina who is playing with William and calling him an “unholy product of a deal with the devil.” Way to build up Damien’s self-esteem there, Christina. She says Stuart is getting better and I’m like, who? What? Who cares? Betty tells Christina that she has to make sure Matt and Daniel don’t see each other until she can figure out a way to eat all the chocolates on the conveyer belt first. Which means Daniel and Matt will be lovers soon. Matt’s not that particular, remember?

SWEET CHRIST! Matt’s in the office! His call is coming from inside the building! She tries to get him to find her with a “sexy scavenger” hunt and he roams the halls while Betty tries to get rid of Daniel. But Daniel backtracks from the elevator for his briefcase and Betty tells him she’ll get it. Bionic Woman music plays as Betty leaps over boxes to get Daniel’s briefcase to him, and Matt finds her! With Daniel! Catastrophe!

Can we rebuild her? Because…eh!

Daniel sees Matt and says he appreciates him setting up the meeting with his father. Matt looks confused and says, “Excuse me?” Daniel keeps going and Matt says, “I didn’t set any meeting.” Oops. They both ask Betty what is going on, and judging by the camera person’s shot, they are all emerging from a giant, orange va-jay-jay, but no one is yelling “Weeeeeee!”

Colorful Va-Jay-Jays, next on Oprah!

“Why did you tell him I set up a meeting with dad?” Matt asks, luckily not adding, “the man who 4 presidents want to meet but just can’t.” Betty says she didn’t exactly tell Daniel that, but Daniel throws her under the bus and says, “Yes you did.” She says she can explain this but not with both of them there. Because you are going to make a bunch of shit up for each one of them?

Betty explains the proposal all-nighter to Matt and says she hoped she could talk him into it. Why not just withhold sex, Betty, that seems more important to Matt. “Remember when I could ask you for anything? Hide the submarine Thursday?” She almost says (I may have paraphrased). She says it’s just a business meeting but Matt disagrees.

“Being Cal Hartley’s son,” he says, “is like being two different people. There’s the guy whose dad is worth more than most OPEC companies” (seriously, he’s really being a dickwad this week) “and there’s the guy who is a sports writer” as if Matt even works anymore. He probably spends all that time at Mode because he’s looking for fresh tail. Or in therapy.

Again, I’d really like it if your work didn’t get between us.

Over in the conference room, Daniel is all pissy with Betty. She tells Daniel that Matt is her boyfriend and if this is what he wants, she has to respect that. I’m calling bullshit on this one. One business meeting is not going to kill Matt…it’s called networking, look into it Richie Rich. Daniel tells her not to worry, there are “always other options.”

“There are NO other options,” Willie says. They barely had the money for the sucky sex issue, there is no government bailout coming (thanks to the two of them, I might add), and the banks won’t touch them. Personally, I would take whatever money was left, hunt down Connor, tear his nuts off, and feed them to Meryl Streep’s dingo. But that’s me.

Willie tells Daniel they are out of money and need to make some hard decisions. She pulls out the Mode yearbook so they can look through it and lay off all the non-popular kids. Why not file Chapter 11? Companies do it all the time, look around. (Seriously, look in your back yard). Instead, Daniel agrees with her and says he’ll take care of it. Well, someone is wearing his big boy pants!

Wilhelmina’s Mean Girls book is really well organized!

Over in the cafeteria, Marc accosts Christina because he wants to do a sex quiz, and Amanda joins out of nowhere. Thank God he’s not doing anything suspicious. He asks Christina what season is her favorite for having sex. Are people doing it only in one season now? I’m so lost nowadays. Amanda runs through every season but Marc focuses on summer. Christina wants to know why he’s so interested in her sex life. “It’s just a quiz,” he says, awkwardly.

Talk to the hand and tell it if you had sex last June!

Back in the closet, Stuart has shown up (call INS, quick!) and he looks like he hasn’t bathed since we last saw him. Yum. Christina tells him that once Marc mentioned June, she realized he was trying to figure out if she had sex around the time Willie’s egg was implanted. Lord, don’t make me lose interest in this.

Christina reminds him of their trip to the pub before she was impregnated and he reminds her she had five or six pints…ironically, that is how most people DO get pregnant (you don’t think people really want to, do you?). She and Stuart did it six ways from Sunday (I’m guessing that’s a lot), so now she’s wondering if she was pregnant when the egg was implanted. “What are we going to do?” Stuart asks. I don’t know, call Groundskeeper Willie? GET A DNA TEST DUMBASS. Do I have to think of everything?

Dirtier than Colin Farrell, I swear to God.

The next day Betty comes to work all chipper like, and it turns out people are being tossed in the chipper – via pink slips. Do they still do that? Betty, Amanda, and Marc all watch as people are being fired, and then the HR guy comes their way…and Amanda’s out! Geez, let people have some dignity when you are taking away their health insurance and rent. They replace her with a book for people to sign in and a vase of flowers. Seems like overkill, but okay.

Sucks to be you! And a lot of people right now!

Betty runs in to Daniel’s office and tells him the obvious – people are getting fired. He tells her she’s too valuable so her job is safe. Score! But she thought there would be other options. Like what, Betty, inviting everyone to the Easter egg hunt? Ground control to Major Tom, Betty, when companies lose money, this is how they save it!

“It was either cut the payroll or file for bankruptcy,” Daniel tells her. Dude, file for bankruptcy, it’s totally in now! It makes you one of the cool kids. “Then none of us would have jobs.” Chapter 11 allows for re-org, doesn’t it? They have the worst financial advisors ever. Betty decides to take action by heading to the Easter egg hunt which is conveniently being held during the workday. Luckily, she takes Daniel with her so there is some method to her madness.

Over at the Easter egg hunt, there are a ton of kids so immediately I’m annoyed. Hilda says, “Fab-burge, come to mama!” as she opens a non-Faberge egg. There’s Matt, rubbing his hands together, not having fun, and clearly not working as a sports guy. He tells Betty, “You look really pretty.” I’m not falling for that, sex-o-holic. “Ready for the moment of truth?” he says. Is Wonder Woman there with her magic lasso? Oh, and Betty is wearing Easter pink with a huge butterfly belt. You rock Spring, Betty, you rock it hard!

They grab the rest of the Suarez family and I’m dying to see if Matt’s dad asks them to clean up after the event. That would be hilarious. Instead, he’s sort of new-agey and creepy, but at least he’s nice to Betty. “I hear you made quite an impression on Matt’s mother. I believe the phrase she used was ‘Over my dead rotting corpse,’ ” he tells Betty. Well duh, look at her eyebrows.

Hello Suarez family. I like my lawn cut at 2 and 3/5 inches, thanks!

“Anyone who can get under my ex-wife’s skin like that is okay in my book,” he finishes. Phew. Crisis averted. Except for the eyebrow situation. Awkward laughing. He excuses himself to mingle with his other guests. Betty’s phone rings and she excuses herself…to the kitchen where Daniel is waiting. She takes him to meet Matt’s dad.

Over in Willie’s house of whores, Christina admits to having had sex prior to the implantation of Satan in her womb. Willie is livid and the clotted cream has curdled. Willie looks like Lindsay Lohan and it is not a good look. NO LEGGINGS and NO KICKY SEQUINED BERETS! No wonder Mode’s sex issue failed if this is what the co-editor is wearing. After a really stupid argument, they decide to do a blood test, something either one of them could have done without the other knowing, but whatevs.

NO NO NO NO NO!

Upon closer inspection, I see fishnet arms and gold #5 earrings.
Please hand the wardrobe staff a big stack of pinkslips, thanks.

Betty and Daniel get stopped by security because why now? How scary would that Easter egg hunt be with the guys from The Matrix running around asking for credentials? Shouldn’t they have checked that when people entered? Yeesh, fun holiday times at Matt’s house.

Daniel of course cannot find the ticket that he never got, and security grabs him to haul him out of there. Betty tries to explain and look who sees them…Matt. Oh, and he’s pissed. He looks at Betty like a disappointed father, shakes his head, looks down and…smacks his lips? Creepy. Also, when he looks back at her, did anyone else notice he seemed to look downright violent? Me no likey.

He seems pretty judgmental for a sexaholic.

Betty goes up to Matt and says, “I know you’re mad.” Betty, you should have said, “I’m so sorry, I have no idea how he got in here – he’s desperate I tell you, DESPERATE!” But no, she goes with the truth again. “You lied to me,” he says. She tells him Amanda got fired with about half of Mode and she couldn’t just come to this event and drink champagne and looks for Easter eggs. Then you should have stayed at the office, bizzitch.

Matt tells her she could have come to him about that. Uh, Douchey Doucherson, she DID but you turned her down. She asks him if he would have changed his mind and he has nothing to say. That’s right, in your face. “Is this really what you want?” he asks. YES THAT IS WHY SHE ASKED YOU. Am I the only one paying attention here? Jesus!

Daniel is walked by with security who apparently decided to parade Daniel around instead of just throwing him out when they first grabbed him. Matt tells the security guards that Daniel is with him. Way to be a hero, Matt. Matt introduces his dad to Daniel in such a polite way you’d never know he was such a tool.

Cal tells Daniel he doesn’t remember seeing his name on the guest list. Well clearly he is here, so let’s get past it…no wait, he was joking. Oh the rich and their powerfully intimidating jokes. Heh, heh, blow me. They go to have a drink. Betty thanks Matt, he smiles, looks disappointed, looks down, and walks away. You know what would be totally cool is if the sandwiches they were serving at this thing were courtesy of GIO’S DELI. Forget hiding the submarine, hide the submarine sandwich!

Daniel sucks up to Cal and it’s really awkward. Cal tells Daniel this party raises a lot of money for a lot of good causes, but what he loves most is the kids. This is where Cal and I would be parting ways. So what’s Heather’s damage today? No Easter bunny. And Cal is disappointed. He’d really like to see someone wear Floppy’s costume today. Yeah, I can see how hard it would be to find an unemployed actor in New York who needed cash to jump into a pink bunny suit.

Needless to say, we all know Daniel is diving head first into that bunny costume, especially if he wants to continue talking business with old Cal here. I’d think twice, then call Richard Branson. He likes a challenge, is less creepy, and is kind of hot. And he’d wear the bunny costume no problem.

Hilda holds her hand up and screams, “I got it!” Yes, she found the Fab-burge egg. Bad news Hilda, they’re auctioning it off to help the peasants in Russia. The proceeds are going to the children’s hospital in her name. Not a bad tax write off, but since you don’t have an income, you don’t pay taxes or probably even file them, right? Hilda is pissed and Papi has to pull her off the stage.

Oh HELL to the NO am I donating this to kids!

Betty is walking through the maze of Easter decorations and Matt sees her. She asks him if he hates her because she hates herself and I’m thinking this slid into an abusive relationship pretty quickly. He says he doesn’t hate her and he sort of apologizes for not thinking of the people who were losing their jobs because he has rich-boy daddy issues. He must have a team of therapists working around the clock.

Betty tells him she shouldn’t have gone behind his back and he agrees and threatens to deny her hide-the-submarine Thursdays. He says, “I hope you don’t regret hooking Daniel up with my father.” Are they dating now? Is that how it works? “My dad can be a great guy, but you do not want to go into business with him.” Oh shit. Turns out daddy is a control freak. Seems like that would have been important to tell Betty and probably would have made her, and Daniel, think twice about this.

“It’s Floppy!” some brat screams. No, it’s Daniel! Betty is surprised, Matt is not. He tells Betty that his mother is like an egg – hard on the outside but soft and gooey and chock full of cholesterol on the inside. His dad is…”like Satan.” Thanks Church Lady, that might have been important info you could have passed before now. Kudos, telenovela! Kudos to you!

Humiliated at work? I work in marketing too!

Daniel is hopping around giving the kids Easter eggs and some bratacular little mofo throws him into some cake. Everyone laughs. In my house, everyone would have gotten smacked. Stupid rich kids and their lack of discipline.

How is Private Practice still on? How?

After the Easter egg hunt, Daniel is sitting pathetically alone at the museum, still in costume. Dude. Dude. Duuuude. Get out of the costume. Betty comes up to him and says she’s sorry, she had “no idea this would happen.” Really? Around bratty kids? Besides, Daniel could have shown some cajones and said no to the request.

Damn, they are really running out of
Jurassic Park ideas, aren’t they?

“Betty,” Daniel says, “we did it.” Cal and Daniel did it? I knew it! Cal seemed creepy enough to want to do it with a life-sized rabbit. Guess he decided hiding eggs wasn’t enough for the day! No…wait! Daniel just spent 10 minutes with Cal running the numbers (why did you not wipe the icing from your face?) and Cal is in! He’s delaying his trip to Siberia so he can see a full presentation. Or because he doesn’t want to go to Godforsaken Siberia. “He said he looks forward to being in the publishing business.” I bet he’d be good at the tracking-down-Connor-business, too. Daniel slurps a scotch. It’s like Bad Bunny instead of Bad Santa.

Drunk bunnies are funny!

Lab results are in at Big Willie’s house. The baby is hers. Christina is disappointed and Willie wants her out of the picture. Bye, Christina. We hardly knew ye.

Victory is mine! Now get the f#ck out of here.

Great news! The TV in the elevator is showing happy flowers again, the mannequins and chairs are back, as are the colored half-busts needed for paperweights. Mode is back on track…but you know as well as I do…evil is lurking, and it’s name is Cal! Also? Betty looks like Pucci barfed all over her. So things are back to normal.

She should consider “Full-Length Mirror Mondays.”

Cal has sent Daniel a basket of carrots, oh ha-ha, but the really weird thing? I have my closed captioning on and the lyrics to the music are “It’s a deathtrap…it’s a bloodbath…it’s going to get worse…” Way to foreshadow. We’re all going to die!

I can’t decide, pick your favorite:
Something tells me a carrot won’t be just a carrot when Cal joins the firm. OR
That won’t be the only thing you’ll be chomping on when Cal arrives!

Next week? Baby William has been kidnapped! Probably by someone at the office who just wants to get her work done without it being Take Your Noisy and Smelly Baby to Work Day! Amen, sister, I understand your pain and will totally be your alibi. It will only cost you a blue cheese burger and a black martini. See you next week, Gasmii!