Ugly Betty: Torn Between Two Lovers Like All Ugly Girls. WTF?

Kids, the Crab apologizes for the lateness of the recap, but like Mode employees, her work keeps her busy, just without all the drama. Most of the drama. Okay, we have drama, but our department prefers to gossip about it as opposed to being involved with it. Most of the time. Anyhoo, let’s get ready to recap!

When we last left Ugly Betty, Willie had returned and became Creative Director of Mode, Hilda was hitting on Coach, skank Charlie broke water all over Casa Suarez, Gio kissed Betty and offered a swooning end to last week’s episode (my knees get weak thinking about it), and Papi’s hair proved to us that in the attic is a picture of him getting younger.

“Betty,” we hear a voice say, and an 8th grade version of the Crab turns around to face the camera. No wait, it’s Betty. I can tell because of the unibrow…even I knew back then to get things under control. Ha! Betty was a dork in high school. How well I know that skin. She’s facing…a freshly-scrubbed, newly rehabbed (I’m guessing?) Lindsay Lohan. And we are back in 1999, when Lindsay was officially sober. Hope they know how to party like it is that year!

Clearly one has more square footage than the other!

Betty is second to last being picked for some horrible game – probably BOMBARDMENT! – the other girl being ginormo. Lindsay tells Betty they really need her for the team, and Betty smiles back – with straight teeth! Okay, they are Kennedy-sized, but they are straight. Did she start sucking her thumb late and that’s why she needs braces now? Otherwise she could have just gotten a horse hoof file and fixed them.

Betty joins their team, obviously thrilled, and when the ball is about to be thrown, Lindsay’s character yells “Get behind the human shield!” Seems like if they wanted a shield, they should have picked ginormo girl, she offered more square footage. Betty wonders who the human shield until she realizes everyone is crowded behind her. Sucks to be you, shield. Damn, how many balls are can those girls hold? Did Betty go to a Catholic school?

Catholic girls sure know how to handle balls

This traumatic story is why Betty will not be joining the Mode softball team, she tells Gio over coffee. Yeah, I can see why she’s such a hot catch! She doesn’t see why playing softball is so important until Gio mentions that Daniel was in the deli recruiting him because he really wants to win. Betty says, “The softball team is Daniel’s baby,” which is interesting considering his actual baby shows up this episode. This also shows why Wilhelmina Slater should be Editor-in-Chief, she thinks beyond the softball team.

Gio thinks playing softball would be a great thing for them to do “as a couple.” Betty mentions that they aren’t exactly a couple. The Crab would mention that team sports are the best way to “uncouple a couple” due to the massive fighting that always seems to ensue. If you don’t believe me, involve a married couple in charades. “I told you, I want to take it slow.” She’s considering this their “exploratory phase,” which immediately makes me call her Dora the Explorer…of Gio’s topography!

Gio wants to take her out on an official first date, and I have to ask, WHAT IS BETTY’S APPEAL? I realize she’s the ugly with a heart of gold, and I lover her moxie, but Gio could be banging one of the models and with less drama. It’s written explicitly into the show, she is UGLY! Okay, she’s not really – not like she was in season one, but she has two guys who want her. TWO! My only hope for a date is if newly single Clooney stops by my house during a 20/20 rerun on Friday night and invites me out for a Bitter Spinster, the newest drink sweeping my social life.

Gio tells her he needs to take her out soon because, “I’m going to Italy for a month.” Good thinking, what with his deli just getting off the ground and no employees to run it while he’s gone. Luckily, storefront rent in Manhattan is cheap. “It’s what Mario Batali did when he needed to discover himself,” Gio says. Was he running a deli with a pickle mascot?

Hot Flash or Hot Guy? Yeah, he’s probably gay

Betty is listening to Gio but loses interest as quickly as I did when she saw the first issue of Hot Flash magazine. At first I thought she was looking at the hottie holding it, but then realized he’s probably gay and she wants to see her article. Ripping the magazine out of the guy’s hand – she finds her article waaaay in the back of the magazine. It’s smaller that what she wrote and clearly edited by a 13 year old with a limited vocabulary. Natch. Betty is upset that it’s not even her article anymore.

“I want to be honest with you,” Claire tells Betty when they meet. “The article was too safe.” Hey, Betty’s a safety girl. Betty is devastated, but says what anyone wanting to get ahead says:

“Thank you for the constructive criticism and thank you for the opportunity.” She’ll cry in the bathroom later.

“Betty, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Claire asks.

“I want to be you,” she answers. Christiane Amanpour would have been a better answer, but sure Betty, make your hero a greedy alcoholic murderer who ignored her children growing up. That works too. “I want to own my own magazine, like you.” Betty, Claire inherited her magazine empire from her dead husband, who only put Mode in her name for tax reasons. If you want to own your own magazine, you may consider going to business school instead of cleaning up after Daniel.

Claire tells Betty to start taking some risks, which is easy for rich people to tell poor people to do, especially in Oprah’s magazine. Leave it all behind to start a school in Somalia! Don’t worry, the rewards of charity will pay your bills! If you are rich already!

Cut to poor Hilda eating tater tots over lunch with Coach. These two were made for each other. Did he really bring her lunch from junior high? He included the green Jell-O too. Unless he’s going to smear that all over her, that was a total waste of a lunch hour. Then they start this whole geological conversation about heat and pressure and remember why I took biology instead.

Are you sure you can use Jell-O in place of K-Y?

Alexis comes by Daniel’s office to talk about his great job on the Mode softball uniforms and asks if he’s been there all night. It seems Daniel has been working hard on a presentation for the past couple of nights because they need the advertising dollars. Alexis suggests using their Creative Director and Daniel says absolutely not, which makes sense since the advertising shouldn’t be part of the Creative Director’s job, hello! “I just don’t trust her.” Alexis says he doesn’t seem to be trusting a lot of people lately. Yes, being stabbed in the back by your sibling will do that, sis.

Marc and Amanda are at the reception desk admiring themselves when Betty asks if she can be on the cheerleading squad. They make her try out for it with lots of jumps and Marc takes a picture of her – to prove to everyone she actually can get off the ground. Sadly, there are no uniforms in frump size, so Betty’s out as little Lord Frenchboy walks in. Amanda wants to dress him up and put makeup on him. Of course she does.

She gets more air than Michael Jordan

Daniel is making his presentation to Chanel 2.0 and is failing miserably. She is confused with the demographics Daniel is showing her (the blonde color must be natural), and Marc echoes her confusion to give Willie her entr̩e into the conversation. Hope Willie can save the day, although not in that offensively fluffy-fronted dress. Seriously, there is just too much going on with the top of that dress Рbuttons, pockets, huge collar and belt. What was going through her botox?

My God that dress has a lot of accoutrement. Don’t make eye contact!

Willie tells the woman that although Daniel’s presentation is accurate it makes her head hurt…wah! She tries to appeal to Chanel 2.0′s heart. Blech. They are raising money through the Mode/Elle softball game – why don’t they donate the money to the children’s charity Chanel 2.0 is the chair of? Damn, think how pissed PETA is going to be when they find out their earmarked donation is going to children. I am duly horrified as well…always pick animals over kids. Because animals are cute and kids grow up to be adults who just get in my way on the road.

Chanel 2.0 asks what they want in return. A one-year commitment to 20 pages per issue at a 30% reduced rate, “of course,” Willie says. What the hell? Twenty pages per issue is a lot of advertising! Also, if she holds out long enough, Chanel 2.0 could get 50%, trust me, the Crab knows. That really makes no sense – that’s 240 pages of advertising in Mode alone each year. Even InStyle doesn’t pull that kind of crap.

“She made me look like an ass,” Daniel says to Betty as they exit the meeting. No, you did that yourself because you didn’t know your audience. Betty suggests working with Wilhelmina since she’s not going anywhere too soon. That’ll happen. I wonder how hard it would really be just to have her killed off? I bet celebrities know how to get that done and pay for it with a black Amex card so they get all the points.

Gio and Betty go to lunch in the park. Betty’s complaining about “natch” and Gio jokes she’s in a difficult “sitch.” He’s much funnier than Henry. Gio brought a ball and bat to help Betty learn how to play softball. Told you he was funnier. She starts to leave and Gio teases her about “playing it safe.” Peer pressure is sure to make her come back! It always works like a charm.

Little Lord Frenchy comes into Daniel’s office, saying “Daniel Meade” in an adorable accent. P.S.? Great security at Mode yet again. In French, he asks Daniel if he can speak French and he’d like to talk with him (3.5 years of high school French and a couple of Parisian youth hostel stays and I’ve still got it!). He continues to speak French with Daniel, and Daniel yells “Does anyone speak French,” and the kid raises his hand. Because he understands English? Then speak it, si vous plais, you brat! Brat isn’t French.

If she had jumped like this, she would have made cheerleader

Gio is throwing the ball to Betty from about 10 feet away and she closes her eyes and misses. He has a lot to look forward to when they finally have sex. Well, she’s probably Catholic so the eyes closed thing is a given. She hates practicing, but he says she has to. “Stop saying no and start saying yes.” Wow, Gio’s Catholic too! Betty takes another swing and line drives it close to Gio. She gets all excited and keeps saying “Yes, yes, yes,” wow, this scene really has a lot of sexual innuendo, or at least it would be innuendo if I would stop pointing it out. Gio says, “Come to Rome with me!” and Betty (accidentally?) answers, “Yes!” No backsies, Betty!

He runs up and tackles her, and says, “I want us to have the most romantic first date ever.” Well, a month in Rome would definitely do it. “What could be more romantic than Rome?” Lake Como. I’m just saying, for those of you who get that. Betty agrees, and not as reluctantly as you might think considering she just got out of a relationship with the love of her life/Manhattan’s finest Renaissance Fair knight. They kiss.

Frenchy is talking to Daniel via a translator. His mother was a model Daniel met years ago, she has recently died, he’s in New York on a school trip (great chaperones! What, do they give the kids $50 and make them promise to come back before midnight? That’s what Crabby would do), and wait for it – and he wanted to meet his father. Daniel’s all like “Yeah, we can help him meet his father.” What a total dunce! Even the translator is like, “Douchebag, you are his father.” Dun-dun-dunnn. And doyeeeee. I say, get the swab, cause I’m going to need a paternity test, stat!

Daniel, you truly are a box of rocks, how do you dress yourself?

Betty comes back to the office all fired up about being on the Mode softball team (I’m guessing she hasn’t seen the slutty uniforms) and tells Daniel about how “pickle napkin Gio” asked her to go to Rome with him for a month. Did they ever call Mario Batali “pickle napkin Mario” ? I’m guessing no. Betty thinks Daniel is freaking out about her being gone for a month, but instead he motions to Frenchy wearing eye makeup. Yep, that would freak anyone out.

Betty, didn’t we discuss this move a few weeks ago?

“He says he’s my son,” Daniel says. Betty gets the pooper scooper XXL from a couple of weeks ago to clean up yet another one of Daniel’s messes. “His mother was a model I slept with years ago.” That is not going to narrow it down, Daniel. “Do you know how many times this happened to my father?” Wow, he really would be proud of you now, son. Then Daniel begins to think that Wilhelmina is just messing with his head. No, Daniel, that’s still all you, my friend. He should really consider wearing a heavily padded helmet during the day.

Over to Wilhelmina…”So what you’re saying is I researched every woman you slept with, found out which one had an illegitimate child, waited for the woman to die, and arranged for the child to come on a class trip from Europe just to upset you?” Actually, that does sound like something she would do.

Daniel says, “I’m still Editor-in-Chief of this magazine. You have no moves in this chess game.”

Wilhelmina responds, “Daniel, I play chess. You’re playing checkers.” More like Connect-4, and you don’t know where the bar is to get them out of the slot.

Oh France, how do I thank you for this bastard?

Willie can’t believe her luck with Daniel freaking out on his own. She says God must truly love them to have dropped little Frenchy into their laps. “Viva la France!” Marc quips. Well, it’s not like the French haven’t seen a dictator like Willie march across their lands before.

Once again the New York City medical community surprises me with its ability for same-day service. Daniel is getting blood drawn for a paternity test only hours after faux son shows up. I must get info on that state’s HMO. Frenchy is talking to Daniel who brilliantly points out, “Yeah, I still don’t speak French.” He doesn’t speak genius either. Daniel will get the results in a couple of weeks, but for now he’s outta here!

“What about Daniel Junior?” Betty asks. Daniel has called the school and they are going to pick him up, and he’s got three models waiting for him at Lotus. Or in the lotus position. Either way, he’s acting like any dad would, taking off for a 4-way with yoga-loving models. Daniel still thinks it’s a scam and that the kid is not his son. Frenchy Daniel grabs his backpack and takes off. So, he understands English, he just can’t speak it. Just like Dr. Phil. Au revoir, petit Frenchy!

And here comes Marc in a beret and Mlle Wilhelmina speaking French to petit Frenchy. She says she’s sorry his father left him alone, would he like to have dinner with them? I bet he thinks she’s Eartha Kitt. He accepts the dinner invitations from complete strangers. “Bon!” Marc and Willie say together.

To Catch a Predator, French Edition takes a nasty turn

Casa Suarez, where Hilda doesn’t even do the dishes…Papi does. He and Justin are telling Hilda to take it slow with Coach. People, he’s a Coach. Of course he’s slow. Then Justin says the Coach doesn’t sweat and they call him Lizard Man. Betty enters the kitchen and they ask her opinion, and she blurts out she’s going to Rome with Gio. Papi must be so happy with hos for daughters.

“Betty, how are you going to afford this?” Papi asks, like most fathers would.

“I’ve been saving,” she says. She must have forgotten about using up her savings for that first class seat for empanadas a couple of weeks ago. “And we’re going to do things on the cheap.” Just don’t get your condoms from the Vatican while you’re there. They may give them out for free, but they have tons of holes in them!

“Are you going to share the same bed?” Oh Papi, leave it to you to go there. Well, are you, Betty?

“Ay, Papi, she’s 24, it’s not like she’s a virgin!” Thanks for the update, Hilda. Poor Papi, no wonder he’s been coloring his hair. I’m surprised he has any left. He goes off in Spanish and gets the double-rolled eyes from Hilda and Betty when the doorbell rings…it’s for Betty. Hope it’s not any more drama.

Holy Shiite Muslim, it’s Henry! “What are you doing here?” Betty asks, while visions of Rome start to fade away like Eurydice’s image back to Hades (Crabby plays chess too, people).

Getting on his knees and pulling out a box with what I’m guessing is a pretty good sized rock judging how it looks on my non-HD TV, says, “Betty will you marry me?” Maybe she can go to Rome on her honeymoon instead?

The day she’s been dreaming of all of her life. Crap.

Betty pulls Henry into their vestibule/mudroom and says, “Why are you doing this to me now when I’m just starting to get over you?” I’m guessing it’s because he’s not over you, pickle-lover. Henry asks her to come to Tucson with him. He’s already spoken to a friend of his who works at a magazine – don’t tell me, it’s Tucson Monthly - and showed him Betty’s resume, and he was impressed. Impressed with her ability to color code Daniel’s calendar with post-its? Must be the Tucson Penny Saver. The pay is good so she can still help out with her family (only if by “help out” he means “carry them”) and she can visit them whenever she wants. The only thing she can’t do, evidently, is make her own decisions about this whole thing.

In sickness and in health, I will make all of our decisions going forward

“Just say yes,” he says. “I’m going back on Monday. I want you on that plane with me, as my fiancée.” He kisses her and leaves in what was by far one of the worst proposals I’ve ever seen save for any of them done on basketball jumbotrons. So you ask her to marry you, tell her you’ve got all the decisions for her life made, and expect her to pick up and leave her life for you, then hope you see her on the plane? She should get that ring to a jeweler, exchange the diamond for a zircon, decline the proposal, and use the money she made off selling the diamond to finance the trip to Rome. Just off the top of my head.

Now Papi and Hilda are arguing about Betty getting married. Papi says she’s only twenty-four, which is too young to get married. If they were a true Hispanic family, she’d be considered too old to marry. She’s lucky if her eggs are still viable, dios mio! Betty stands up and yells, “I’m looking for your advice, not your approval!”

“Good, because you’re not getting any from me,” Papi says, storming off. Betty should totally forfeit his allowance this week.

Uh-oh, breaking news from Suzuki St. Pierre…wonder what the scandal could be this time? Oh wait, it’s Daniel and his illegitimate love child. But the scandal does not stop there! They have footage of Daniel nuzzling with a model at Lotus and slamming down what looks like a bottle of what looks to be pink Zinfandel. Maybe he should consider a sex change like his sister. Then they show footage of “Little Orphan Danny” filthy and searching the streets for food. Or it’s French sex comedy from the 70s, who’s to know.

The late François Truffaut’s Lolita’s Brother: Little Orphan Danny

Daniel and his mother are watching the clip and she says, “He’s got your jaw line.” Aw, Claire has a bastard grandson. Wonder if they have a card for that? Daniel tells his mother not to get too excited because it’s a scam. Alexis comes storming in to tell them their big new advertiser Chanel 2.0 just pulled out…hmmm, wonder why? Because Daniel fathered most of the world’s UNICEF children?

Daniel then tries to convince Alexis that it’s not his kid, and she reminds him of their time in France when he was chasing after this woman and bragging he was going to go “bang the hand model.” Well, that was probably more fun than the drums. She wants him to keep a low profile until they win the account back and asks Daniel to take a leave of absence. Daniel is pissed because when an advertiser from Dawson’s Creek didn’t want to advertise with Mode because of Sister Tranny, Daniel stood by her. “We almost lost this magazine,” he reminds her.

“Well then I guess I’m learning from your mistakes,” she says. What a bitch.

Back at Casa Suarez, where Papi is ironing a razor-sharp crease in his pants (are they taking in laundry to make money?). He’s upset because Betty is too young to make decisions about her life (but not too young to provide you with the health insurance you need!), but Hilda knows it’s because he doesn’t want to let her go. Well, she is the only breadwinner. Hilda says Betty has to seize her opportunity while she has love – before it’s gone….then Hilda leaves to seize her opportunity, aka Have Sex with Coach in the Locker Room, ew.

Betty comes flying into Daniel’s office to talk about his leave of absence, which apparently going to last a couple of weeks. Why bother? Just go on vacation like the rest of us. But he’s upset about Little Daniel, and not the one in his pants – the French version. Betty tells Daniel it will take a couple weeks for the paternity test, so he should go relax for a couple weeks then come back to impending fatherhood. Daniel says he knows Frenchy is his kid.

“Here’s a letter Daniel’s mother wrote to him before she died. She wanted him to know who his father is,” he says. Yes, because letters prove paternity, not DNA tests. That’s why Maury always provides nice stationery in the green room. Daniel, how do you dress yourself in the morning?

“Daniel, you always complained about how cold and distant your dad was when you were growing up. You don’t have to be that. You can be there for him,” Betty suggests. Daniel would be a good role model for an impressionable young man headed for a life of debauchery and meaningless sex. Lucky bastard. Literally. He thanks her for her advice.

“Oh, and in case you thought I forgot,” he says, because he always does forget about her, he hands her two all-expense paid tickets for two for a trip to Rome – first class tickets and 5-star hotels. Wow, the first class flight would be enough alone to kick Henry to the curb!

“Oh God, oh God, oh God,” Betty says. Hope Daniel doesn’t get excited.

The fourth horse of the Apocalypse:
Betty asking Daniel for relationship advice

“It that a good ‘Oh God’ or a bad one?” He has no idea how to please a woman, does he? She tells him about Henry showing up and asking her to marry him, and he asks if it’s good or bad. Betty has no idea. She asks him for advice. Daniel Meade. For relationship advice. Cash in the tickets and go to therapy, Betty. The pictures won’t be as fun, but the memories will last you a lifetime. He tells her to go to Rome.

“Because you don’t think I should be with Henry?” Betty asks.

“No, because I can’t imagine being here without you.” Yes, Daniel, it is ALWAYS ABOUT YOU.

Over to Wilhelmina – much better dress this time. She’s got Chanel 2.0 back on board with the advertising and is fine with taking care of everything while Daniel’s off dealing with his “little bastard.” Uh, Willie? I don’t think you and Bradford were actually married, so Christina is carrying your little bastard right now. “It’s actually easier getting things done without Daniel around.” No kidding. And Willie makes her play for Editor-in-Chief. I’d give it to her, she’s damn good at her job.

Over to Daniel’s office while Betty watches Daniel and his pseudo son talking. Papi stopped by wants to talk with Betty. Uh oh, is that a photo-album in his hand? This is going to be painful.

The thrill of victory…

But not as painful as watching Coach give Hilda a necklace of Dominican amber. She’s Mexican, dude. Should have given her a green card. She goes to kiss him and he has to give her a head’s up on his personal life – he’s not single. What the? He’s separated from his wife and is all confused inside. Hilda jumps out of his car and runs off. Hey Coach? Suck it!

…followed by the agony of defeat!

Back in Daniel’s office, he’s showing New York to Frenchy via a telescope, because it would be silly to take him around town. They try to bond over movies and hot chicks. Turns out Frenchy likes baseball. Put him on the team, Daniel, if there is one thing the French are, it’s great athletes!

Back at Papi’s playhouse of memories, he’s showing a bunch of discombobulated pictures – from the Grand Canyon (just a backdrop) to Halloween, to the neighborhood pool where Betty wanted to jump off the high jump. There’s a belly flop that had to hurt. Betty admits she doesn’t know which pool to jump into this time. Papi tells her he can’t offer any advice – she has to come up with her own decision. “Just jump,” he tells her. You’re still going to belly flop either way.

And we’re at the Mode/Elle charity softball game with Suzuki St. Pierre officiating – wow, just like Harry Caray, glasses and all! “Who will Naomi Campbell smash over the head with a baseball bat?” Does she really have to choose? Bouncing into the picture is Amanda, fresh off her faux reality show with Gene “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Probably from the Herp” Simmons.

“To all my fans who have been missing me, I will be out with a new single, or reality show, or sex video very, very soon!” Amanda says. She should check Daniel’s collection, pick out the video where she looks the best, and release that one. “I love you!”

“And we love you!” Suzuki says as Amanda romps off. “Who was that?” he says when she’s out of ear shot.

Betty shows up in Mode uniform, much better than when Crabby was on a softball team and the uniforms were smelly polyester used over every year. Not that better uniforms would have gotten me out of right field. (For those of you uniformed or undamaged by junior high sports teams, right field is where they put you when you are on the team and suck, because very few balls every get hit out there. It’s also a great place to gossip with friends because you are rarely interrupted with anything sport-related.)

She joins Daniel and Daniel Junior on the field. Daniel says, “Well, he likes baseball and he likes models.” Father of the Year, this one is. Although you have to admit, still better than Bradford.

“Naomi Campbell is très sexy,” French Daniel says. Yes, and très crazy aussi, mon ami. Betty agrees, then freaks as she sees Gio coming towards them in a Mode uniform, with a Dolce and Gabbana belt. Hope he’s wearing a cup over his deli pickle. She leaves and French Daniel sees Marc and says, “Marc is tres bon. Uh…funny.”

Funny ha-ha or funny like your creepy Uncle Joe?

“You know Marc? How?” Daniel asks as it all starts coming together in his mind but not in reality.

Marc and Amanda are doing their “Elle can go to Hell” cheer like I do every week in the grocery store checkout line, and ask Betty if they can jump on her to get more height. “Guys, you can’t just jump on people. It’s rude.” I thought the delivery on this was hilarious, like she was really instilling some new knowledge to Amanda and Marc about jumping on people and good manners. Comment of the week award! She turns around, and it’s Gio!

“Am I crazy, or are you avoiding me?” He asks. Don’t avoid. Go to Rome.

“Why would you say that?” Betty says, turning and walking away.

“Because you just looked at me and ran.” He’s got you there, Betty. “If you don’t want to go to Rome with me, just tell me.”

“Gio, I do, but – ” she’s interrupted by what’s-his-name. Too bad Betty’s feelings aren’t as quickly changed as mine seem to be.

“Betty!” Henry yells. He does his dorkasaurus wave.

“What are you doing here?” Gio says.

“Mode needed more guys on the team, so I volunteered,” he says. I thought they needed guys, not accountants? Boo-ya!

Let the pissing match begin!

“I volunteered too. I thought it would be a good thing for me and Betty to do before we go to Rome.” Oh, Gio, why don’t you just urinate all around her to make sure Henry knows what’s going on. It would be more subtle than that comment just was.

“Rome?” Henry asks all confused. “I just asked Betty to marry me.”

“What?!” Gio says. Someone beat you to the territory marking, Gio!

And there’s Betty, torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, with her heart beating so hard it’s about to explode. “Play ball, bitches!” Suzuki says and Betty runs onto the field (I’m guessing the right one) while Henry and Gio chase after her.

Daniel is nowhere to be found because he’s off the field gossiping with Willie. Probably about the new Prada line? No, wait, there’s trouble afoot. He’s yelling at Wilhelmina for leaking the story about his illegitimate son to the press and points out the baseball team is his, not hers. “Stop trying to push me out,” he says.

“Your sister already pushed you out,” Wilhelmina says coolly.

“No, she asked me to keep a low profile,” he says, in that way he does right before a bombshell is dropped on his head.

“So you don’t know,” she says. “It’s no longer a low profile, it’s no profile. You’re no longer Editor-in-Chief of Mode. I am.” Oops. Sounds like HR really mucked this one up. Well, at least he’ll get a better severance package out of this. Willie walks out onto the field and takes over pitching for Daniel. Willie strikes first guy out in no time.

“I must have been distracted by how fat you look in white,” he says. He should have seen the dress from yesterday.

“Next!” she yells. Back at ya, beyotch.

Daniel and his mother are bitching out Alexis and with good reason. That really was a dick move on Alexis’s part, and she doesn’t even have one anymore.

“It’s what’s best for the company,” she answers. Look, I’m totally with you, but you really should have told him before the big game. “We’ll find something else for you to do, but Mode just isn’t it.” Again, good point. And Daniel should remember that his third of the company will be worth more if they put someone competent (not him) in the Editor-in-Chief role. Just cash your checks and stop complaining. Claire is speechless. Too bad she stopped drinking, I liked her bitter uninhibited comments. Daniel looks over towards his pseudo son and walks away with him.

Then Naomi Campbell struts out and I lose my lunch. I really despise her, so I don’t want to give her anymore place in this recap then necessary. Suffice it to say she acts like a total bitch – oh, did I say “acts”? My bad. She whips out her phone and everyone ducks (points for making fun of yourself, but you have actually injured people. Could you imagine if the next time Mel Gibson shows up in a cameo he makes Jew jokes? See? Not so funny anymore). She asks Bono if she can call him back (like he’d ever call her), looks at Willie and says, “Give it to me, mama.” You know, having Willie as a mom would make sense for her viciously bad behavior.

The Elle softball team is made up entirely of
Naomi Campbell’s previous housekeepers

In the outfield (oh look, Henry’s in right field, go figure), Betty looks to Gio in left field, then back to Henry. Who will she choose? Could something help her make a decision? Something like V8 juice, whacking her in the head? Yes! Naomi bashes the hell out of the ball and Betty goes to get it. Instead, she, Gio, and Henry are involved in the signature move of my junior high softball team – running into each other in the outfield and getting knocked out. Sweet!

Well, that’s one way to make a Betty sandwich

Betty wakes up to “Good morning Mrs. Grubstick.” Wow, that’s enough for me to not marry Henry. Besides, Betty is a woman of the world, she’d probably keep her last name and get along a lot better in Tucson keeping “Suarez.” As the camera pulls back, we see that Betty has moved into a stereotypical Tucson house, with two sun medallions on the walls and cacti on the blue screen through the window. Henry is bringing her breakfast in bed. So Betty passed out long enough to get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, and go on her honeymoon? That’s one way to get through that part of your life stress-free.

Santa Fe interior design is so 90s

“How’d you sleep?” he asks.

“Well, I had this dream, and it was so vivid. It was about the softball game,” she says.

“You mean the best softball game ever?” Did Wilhelmina die?

“Yes, the day I decided to marry you,” Betty says, holding up her ring finger with the rock sparkling. Henry wants to go to the Coolidge Dam (better than the Coliseum, right?) but Betty has to finish her article. She jumps out of bed already sort of dressed and says she’ll finish it right now so they can spend the weekend at the dam. Who knew the dam would be such a motivator?

“Oh, by the way, did you pick up that dandruff shampoo – ” she begins to say as she opens up their bedroom door…to Italy! This house has everything! And there is Gio, sitting in an amazing room with a view of Rome. And probably no dandruff shampoo.

This place is Head and Shoulders above Tucson!

“I have got to comp Daniel sandwiches for the rest of his life. This is the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in,” Gio says. Betty has a puzzled look on her face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing. I was just imagining my life if I had ended up in Tucson,” she answers. Gio pulls her onto his lap and they begin to plan their day, including eating a white pizza (racists!), which Betty wants to do first. Hope there is a lot of walking during their stay, carbs are not going to be Betty’s friend. They kiss and suddenly Henry calls for Betty.

Looking at her kissing Gio, Henry says, “What are you doing?” Not going to the dam, that’s what.

“Henry?” Betty asks.

“Yeah Betty, what are you doing?” Gio asks. Seems like he’d be the first one to come up with the idea of a “Betty Sandwich,” don’t you think? They guys then begin to tell her that she needs to make a choice, make a choice, make a choice! Betty’s choice is to jump to her death from the balcony of the hotel. Yes, because when two great guys are after you at the same time, death really is your only option.

Two men want me? Screw this noise, I’m outta here!

Suddenly Betty wakes up and she’s still at the softball game (boring!). Everyone is looking at her and Naomi Campbell says, “Is she alright?” Yes, no need to worry about yet another assault and battery charge, you freak.

Looking up, she says, “I know what to do.”

I could’ve had a V-8. And sex with two guys at once!

We begin a montage of Hilda looking at her Amber necklace and bemoaning the fact that she doesn’t have Coach (sell the necklace on eBay!), Willie being fêted at Mode for her killer bitches – I mean pitches – while Claire looks on and give Alexis a look of death, Daniel putting his arm around Junior and looking at Willie being cheered, Betty looking at a picture of her mother, Coach playing skins at school and oh crap, Hilda’s shown up in a tragic heart-shaped link belt and kisses him, back to Daniel looking at Willie and the trophy (damn, did she win the Stanley Cup?), Willie rubbing it in his face, and Betty walking down her stairs looking around and hugging Papi…what decision did she make? Which one? Is she going to Tucson? Rome? Papi gives her a lunch bag! She hugs Justin! She steps outside and….the camera pans back all the way to Jersey and shows a plane flying over! What a summer cliffhanger, viewers!

Why do I have the feeling Munckins are in my future?

Any guesses? I think she went to Rome alone to think. Or maybe she went to Paris, Daniel shows up with Junior, and they all go to work on a new magazine, Mode Tots. It’s going to be a long summer without our Betty. Hope the softball team does well, though. It would be great to see everyone come back in the fall with huge beer guts!