Ugly Betty: Receiving the Conan Touch – Cancelled!

Yes, Gasmii, Ugly Betty has been cancelled but what difference does it make since we are all going to die penniless anyway, right Sallie Mae? I’m so bummed because the writing has been really good lately and the show has made me laugh out loud more this season than in the previous one – dammit! It’s a fun show. So thank you ONCE AGAIN TV EXECS for moving the show around to the point where no one could find it so you could wonder why ad revenue was down. Here’s a clue: You are morons.

Now I was at a company event for a week and although I managed not to punch anyone in the nads, I was unable to write the previous week’s recap, so here it is in summary form: Betty was up for a Blobby award for her blog, Daniel trashed Betty accidentally in an interview for the award, Betty took revenge by trashing on Daniel on her blog, Marc handled his first photo shoot with aplomb (and with people I’m supposed to know?), and Willie used a tranny as her double to do things she didn’t want to do (think charity events and Girl Scout tours of Mode). She also filled in for said tranny one evening and did a damn good job as a man, while Daniel public apologized to Betty and still had burritos thrown at his head. Racist audience!

Yes, totally different dresses. Totally.

So, that brings us to this past week…we open the episode with Betty and Amanda getting dressed and meeting in the hallway wearing the same red dress. But you know as well as I do they look nothing alike and Amanda is like WTF when Betty points out that they are wearing the same dress. Amanda thinks Betty is just nervous, “Like a lesbian at a makeup counter.” Hey, what about lipstick lesbians?

Marc escapes from the apartment and bitches at Amanda for letting tall girl live with them – oh, I forgot about Helen needed a place to land. Turns out she has the hots for Marc and he’s upset because Willie is “all up in [his] grinch” about doing something great for fashion week or some such nonsense. I was just mesmerized by “grinch.”

Willie screams about how the magazine’s “10 Designers to Watch” show is in the crapper (isn’t it always every season?) and one of the designers just quit. Also, Daniel has banned male models from the show, which is totally ‘tarded. Is he back to his poon-hounding ways? Willie says the editors need to get it into gear because the only one who has proved herself is Betty. Betty and I both spit out our drinks. Did Willie just give her a complement? Don’t fall for it, Betty!

“Working day and night like a trusty old mule,” Willie says. There it is. So to reward Betty, she gives her this month’s book review – on the sewing machine! All 10,000 pages. Sadly, Betty is totally excited. Willie gives her the oke-ly-dok-e-ly and shoves her out the door. Dumbass.

Ground control to Major Tom.

Betty runs into Daniel and tells him about the sewing machine review as Daniel tells her about his new hands-free earpiece phone blabbedy blah. This will probably be important later. Betty tells Daniel she isn’t covering a fashion show and Daniel is like oh hell to the no! All editors were supposed to get a show. Betty is crushed she fell for the sewing machine book so easily. Well duh.

In Willie’s office, he says they both agreed that every editor gets at least one show. Willie responds that he nixed her male models and they lost a designer, which has nothing to do with nothing, but she looks good saying it. Daniel calls Betty – or attempts to – it takes forever for the stupid phone to figure out Betty Suarez’s number (he seems to have a lot of Bettys on speed dial).

Back at Amanda’s apartment, Helen is talking about how she’d like to wrap Marc in her legs and squeeze him as though she’s an octopus. Amanda tells Helen Marc’s gay and Helen doesn’t believe her because she lives in her own world. Amanda needs her green tube mini dress and Helen pulls it from under her ass. She smells it and tells Amanda to put some perfume under the pits and “it’s as good as new.” Oh nasty!

Here, I’m done wiping.

Amanda shakes it out and it’s now a HUGE green tube MAXI dress because Helen is ginormous. Does anyone remember her falling out of the window on Sex in the City? That was awesome. Helen says she’ll make Amanda a dress and boy does she – it’s sort of cool in a trashy Madonna 1980s way. Helen says she learned to sew while she spent time being Amish. Uh-huh. Amanda thinks they should be a design team. Will they be the 10th designer team that Willie needs?

Back at Casa de Chandelier, Betty and Hilda are hoisting a huge crystal chandelier over their dining table. Way to play into the Hispanic stereotype with the over-accessorizing of the house. Too bad there’s not a Jesus sculpture in the middle of the crystals. Papi got it from work because they were replacing it and Justin says it’s tacky. Not to mention completely out of place since it’s about 4′ long and takes over the whole dining room. But it is sparkly!

Papi proves the “form over function” theorem.

Betty’s phone buzzes. She has a message from Daniel and asks Justin to play it out loud since she’s holding 4,000 crystals in the air. Daniel tells Betty she is covering a show for fashion week, yay! Betty tells Justin to delete it but Daniel in his infinite wisdom of not understanding technology, leaves his headset on and Betty hears the conversation between Willie and Daniel, which isn’t good.

Daniel says Betty is one of their best writers and Willie says “For Features! But this is about taste!” Ouch. But, she does have a point. She goes on and asks Daniel if Betty has good taste…then asks why his phone is still blinking…he swears he turned it off, then says, “OH CRAP!” Oh crap indeed.

The next day Daniel brings in a gorgeous orchid to apologize to Betty and it’s pretty enough it might have worked on me, but I do have good taste so he wouldn’t have needed to apologize in the first place. Betty tells him it’s okay. She says she knows she makes bold choices but if people don’t trust her taste, what can she do? Daniel says she should change their minds. Oh, is that all? Just change their minds! That should be easy.

Daniel is walking through the office and overhears Willie on the phone – she’s totally faking the call and saying that Daniel said no male models so how could he model even though he’s attractive and in the best shape of his life? Ah, she’s doing the play on Daniel’s ego card…Of course it works and now male models are in because Daniel is in. I swear, their relationship is like Wiley Coyote and Road Runner and Wiley NEVER LEARNS.

She probably ordered the phone from ACME.

Amanda is talking to Helen about how cool her clothes are and how they could totally fill the designer spot for the Mode show but Helen is gone…barking up the tree of a handsome guy who is OHMYGOD it’s Claire Meade’s hot bastard son from South Dakota! Seriously, where is security? Clearly plaid flannel would be a warning sign that he does not belong in the building, let alone roaming the offices alone.

Even though it’s flannel, I’m too sexy for my shirt.
Actually, that is why I’m too sexy for it.

Betty is covering her hot fashion show…at a coffee shop. That ain’t right. Hilda, Betty, and Justin are the only ones there and the show is pretty tragic. Suddenly, out of nowhere, is a gem of a dress. Oooh, aaah…it is kind of cool. It’s feathery on top and short and flowy.

Look what you can buy when you are buying your
half-caf-decaf latte with soy and a twist of lemon.

Betty runs backstage and finds the designer and tells her she’s going to make her a star. What a stupid comment. Then she recants and says she is going to try really hard to make her a star. Oh brother. Why not just write about her instead, Page Six?

Back at Mode Betty tells Marc she wants to pitch the new designer to Willie. However, she needs Marc’s help to get her in front of Willie and if he does, he can take part of the credit. She shows Marc the designs and he agrees the designer is good. This can’t go wrong, no it cannot.

Meanwhile, Daniel sees an empty hallway and tries to do his model walk. A real model asks if he’s hurt. Kind of. She introduces herself as Heather and he tells her who he is. “So you’re like, head of the company, right?” Not really.

Who thinks too highly of himself and is a bit of a douche? THIS GUY.

Marc preps Betty for her meeting with Willie: Don’t look her in the eyes or in the knees (she’s sensitive), so look at her shins or toes. He tells Betty to be Vanna to his Wheel of Fortune and keep her mouth shut so Willie doesn’t begin texting which is a sure sign she’s lost all interest.

Are you going to play Charades with Willie?

Amanda walks in and calls Betty “Chipotle” which is totally hilarious, then asks Marc if he’d show her designs to Willie. Marc says it’s Betty’s meeting so it’s her decision and when Betty looks at Marc he’s making the “No way!” sign behind Amanda’s back. Betty says there won’t be time but Amanda thinks she can fit it in. This is going to be ugly.

Tell us how you really feel!

Willie is bitching that all the male models are booked (seriously the way Mode does things last minute, you’d think they all worked at my company) then suddenly sees Claire’s bastard child (not that she knows). She says, “Hey, flannel, what are you doing?” He says he’s looking for Claire and Willie’s like yes, I know that bag of bones, now get your hot ass over to wherever the models are being fitted. He says he’s not a model but I think we all know where this is going. She walks around him like Rocky around a side of beef and says “you are now.”

Yes, it’s a boy. Don’t worry, this is how they sex chickens too.

Oh my God, the chandelier in Casa de Tacky is awful. Papi shows Justin how it works with the dimmer thinking it’s classy. He gets shocked tweaking the dimmer (you are supposed to turn the electricity off before touching anything electric with metal, Papi!).

Hilda complains that if Papi wants to fix something, he could fix her salon chair or dryer…how the hell did they wear out, non-use? Hilda says the salon is barely breaking even and I’m thinking, what the hell is your overhead? Shampoo, conditioner, color, and what? Rent? No. Utilities? No. Taxes? Doubtful. Help me out here!

Hilda says the best thing that could happen is for the salon to get struck by lightning so she could collect the insurance money. Did you just say that out loud to Bobby? Well, I guess we know where this is going. I wonder if Hilda remembered that the salon is CONNECTED to the house? It’s like the funny bone and your arm. Hilda’s salon would be the funny bone.

Back at Mode, Tyler stops by the closet to be measured (is that what you kids are calling it these days?) and Daniel says to stick with him – he’ll show him how it’s done. Oh Daniel. He introduces himself and Tyler is like, oh, so Claire’s your mom. Now Daniel has a real brother and not a tranny one!

The guy measuring Daniel for the suit tells him it’s going to be snug on him. He measures Tyler just for “funsies.” Daniel looks at himself in the mirror and sucks in his gut and tells them to focus on HIM since the designer specifically asked for him. You keep telling yourself that.

Over in Willie’s office, Marc is presenting Betty’s designer find. Betty starts speaking and Willie reaches for her blackberry. Well, who doesn’t when Betty’s around? Finally Willie agrees to have this new designer in the showcase and congratulates Marc and not Betty and Marc doesn’t correct Willie. Ouch! Sucks to be you, Chipotle Betty. I could really go for some Chipotle.

Betty is pissed so she’s sort of a hot tamale and Marc is like sucks to be you. Amanda comes out of nowhere and asks what Willie thought of her outfits…Betty lies and says that Willie liked the other designs better. Turns out she didn’t even look at Amanda’s designs because they were never brought up, ooops!

Suzuki! He says it’s Fashion Week and that only means one thing: “I’m drunk!” Oh my God, so am I and it’s not Fashion Week here, just snowy. He’s interviewing Marissa, Betty’s favorite new designer! Marissa gives Betty the credit for discovering her but Marc jumps in and provides some long story about finding her. Luckily, we miss it because we cut over to Daniel exercising in his suit and tie trying to lose weight…and get really smelly.

Betty heads over to Marc and rides him up one side and down the other about taking credit for her discovery and not being honest with Amanda so Betty looks like the bad tamale. “You want the credit Marc, do the work!” That had to hurt.

Daniel continues to practice his walk and he looks like a total ass. Willie tells him to walk like Tyler…the guy Daniel is beginning to hate. I wonder if Betty is going to bed him? I mean, Matt’s gone (oh my God, it totally took me a minute to think of her last lovahhh’s name! Outta sight, outta…whatever). It would be hilarious if Betty hooked up with South Dakota hottie, huh?

Talk about HOTTTTTT couture.
C’mon, didn’t you see that joke coming?

Over at Casa de Lighting Strike, Hilda is working on Justin’s hair and Papi asks if she wants better lighting…because the lighting from the dining room totally doesn’t reach into the salon. Justin wants to update his ‘do because he has his acting friends coming over to visit. Or are they just acting like his friends?

Hilda says she doesn’t want to see him coming home with a nose ring or a cigarette hanging from his lips. Hold that thought.

Betty’s phone rings and stupid new designer is calling because she’s freaking out and needs Betty’s love and support and salsa. She doesn’t want to work with Marc because he was wearing opera gloves. Well, I have to agree with her there. She wants to come over with all of her dresses to Betty’s house in Queens. Because it makes MUCH more sense for a woman with a ton of items to carry to ride the subway all the way to Queens than have Betty call for the company car to take her back to the real world.

Amanda is still at the office bitching to Helen about Betty and Marc is horrified when Helen blows him a kiss. Marc finally tells Amanda that it wasn’t Betty totally. He thinks Amanda is not ready, he just doesn’t like to see her sad. Well, look away then.

Back at Casa de WTF? Betty says, “All the dresses are steamed and hanging in the salon ready to go and tomorrow you will be the hit at Fashion Week.” Except you have to carry all those damn dresses back and they are totally going to get re-wrinkled.

Betty, Sgt. Pepper needs to speak to you.

Betty looks up and sees Amanda sitting on her sofa. She apologizes to Betty about what she said. She said she keeps seeing Betty and Marc moving up the ladder and she thought that by becoming the best designer in the world she could keep up. As if.

“Do you smell smoke?” Marissa asks. Betty does. Bobby comes running in and screams the house is on fire and everyone needs to get out. That was lucky that he stopped by…or was it just him fulfilling Hilda’s dream of cashing in on the insurance?

Luckily, the fire is out but guess what is ruined? The salon! “This is my business!” Hilda screams, secretly calling her insurance agent who is on speed dial. Marc calls because he’s missing the dresses and it’s almost runway time (I thought it was tomorrow?) and Betty realized the dresses were in THE SALON! Dun-dun-dunn.

At the show, Daniel is nibbling celery and tries to ask Heather out. She says she’ll be out with Tyler but Daniel could meet them at 3am. Man, I’m close to getting up at that time. Daniel winces because he has back pain and Heather says her dad gets the same thing. In case you missed it: Daniel is old.

Back at Casa Del Fuego, the dresses are ruined. Or are they? Amanda takes an ax to one of them and now it’s totally fab! Except sooty! Betty thinks that since the style is distressed nowadays, they can still show this crap! Awesome!

This has all the ingredients of a Friends spin-off.

Daniel is at the show putting on an outfit that totally makes him look like Structure 1994, and I should know because I worked there. Daniel takes off the clothes and tells them to find another model. Thank God someone came to their senses.

Wow, I’m a douche and even I think I look douchey.

Marc asks Betty where the dresses are and Betty shows them…sorry, but they are hideous and burnt. Willie shows up and is like what the hell is going on? Given that she is Satan’s spawn, she should be more comfortable around fiery things. The worst part? If these clothes are a hit, Marissa is going to need to keep a blowtorch around for each new season.

Isn’t this a Smashing Pumpkins CD cover?

Willie makes the models turn around and Marc completely blames Betty for finding the designer in the first place. Willie thinks the dresses work better this way. Marc climbs up Willie’s ass and agrees. Betty’s annoying voice screams, “Show in 10 minutes!” Wow, it really is at a painful decibel.

No good fashion line starts with fire.

Amanda helps style all the fire sale clothes and the show is a success. Helen swings by and mentions she’s marrying someone who clearly just needs a green card and Amanda bemoans the fact her design partner is gone.

Betty tells Amanda she’s not a designer, but she styled the hell out of those nasty burned dresses. Marc says to become one, “Just call yourself one.” Amanda says, “Rachel Zoe can suck it, there’s a new skinny bitch in town.” Yeah, just one that knows how to style. Good for you, Amanda!

The spawn of Fey Sommers gets her revenge!

Marc saddles up next to Betty and apologizes to Betty. I do love their friendship, it’s pretty cool compared to first season. He says he never should have stolen the credit from Betty, but he learned from the best, and we see Willie taking credit for finding Marissa. Bitch!

Claire comes backstage to wish Daniel good luck and finds him not modeling. She says she likes him much more now than when he was 25. She hugs him as he says he’s sorry she won’t get to see her son walk down the runway. Except Claire looks up and sees her son about to walk down the runway – in Tyler form! Rut-roh!

Holy Shiite Muslim!

Hilda and Bobby are going through all the burned crap in the house. He tells her now she gets what she wants – with the salon burned down, now she’ll get the insurance money. Uhh…oh now. Papi looks at the light switch and figures it was his fault. Justin pulls out cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket and shoves them in the garbage. Who’s fault was it?

Say it ain’t so, Hot Bobby.

Claire is nursing a migraine when Tyler comes by and introduces himself. He says it was some tip she left him back in South Dakota, so he decide to waste all of it to come to New York and find out why she did it.

Then the bombshell. “When I asked my parents about you, they got all quiet,” he says. Did Claire not do a closed adoption and hide her name? What a freakin’ moron. “So maybe this has to do with my adoption or something.” Wait for it…wait for it…”Are you my mother?”

“I don’t know what to say,” she says, tearing up. “Yeah,” she nods. He tears up, they laugh, they cry. He says he’s pictured this a thousand times. Wonder if he pictured a half-brother tranny? Anyhoodle, Claire says she knows he must have a ton of questions but she can’t do this tonight, can she put him up in a hotel? Instead of the hostel he can afford on your $2K? He agrees.

HELL NO I’m not sharing a room with Daniel.

She also says that until she figures out how to tell the people in her life about him, they need to keep this on the down-low. “Yes ma’am,” he says. What a nice Midwestern-ish boy. Daniel walks by and gives him the evil eye as Tyler passes by. Daniel says he’s glad he doesn’t have to see Tyler again. Ooh, what an awkward Thanksgiving it’s going to be.

Betty finds Willie and thanks her for putting Marissa in the show. “Looking for a pat on the back are we?” Willie asks. YES, yes she is, and it wouldn’t kill you to hand one out. She tells Betty she had A success tonight and she should have pitched the designer herself instead getting Marc to pitch hit. Everyone knows the gays suck at baseball except for Mark McGuire.

Willie then goes into this whole tirade about how Fey Sommers was so much meaner and more ruthless and treated her like crap. “For 20 years she belittled every fashion choice I ever made, every idea I ever had,” she says. Great, so the abusee becomes the abuser? Oy.

Willie says she’ll deny this if anyone ever asks, but “You don’t always get it wrong. Your shoes for example. I don’t hate them.” We see that they are both wearing the same shoes. How did Betty afford Willie’s taste in shoes? “But next time don’t pair them with that hooker bag.” Is Hilda with her?

All is well in Bettyland!

Next week? A repeat of the Bahamas episode – the upside? Connor half-naked. That should melt this damn snow!