Ugly Betty: Season Finale and All the Trimmings!

“It’s me. Naked,” Betty says. She looks around to see if anyone else saw her nakedness. Everyone is still standing and breathing, so no, no one saw it. Matt tells her she’s “draped” and it’s fine. Then he says, “You don’t like it,” with a face that says, “because I’ll be using a lot of lotion on your skin to make my new suit.” It’s really creepy. How did he go from adorable to so creepy so quickly?

“Why did you have to paint me,” she asks. Yes, why Matt, WHY IN GOD’S GOOD NAME DID YOU DO THAT? “Because you inspire me,” he says, kissing her. Blech! I would be so embarrassed! She says she can tell the painting is of his apartment, and he points out how he painted her toothbrush, yogurt she likes, her robe…”I should be wearing that,” Betty says. Turns out Matt did that as a way to invite Betty to move in with him. NO NO NO NO NO NO YOKO ONO NO!

“That’s big,” Betty says, with Matt’s hand on her shoulders/neck, looking like he is going to strangle her if she doesn’t agree. She looks completely freaked out. She holds up the painting as Amanda walks by and screams, “OH MY GOD THAT IS HIDEOUS!” You got that right. “It’s like looking at the butt of Satan! My eyes! MY EYES!” She was much more subtle than I was when I first saw it. She also may have said “up the butt of Satan.” Either way it works.

Stop choking me for pleasure, I’m not Michael Hutchence!

Back over at Claire busting Willie’s balls, she wants to know about Willie’s chosen stylist for the shoot. Mid-sentence, she stops, as Victoria Hartley walks up to her. “Hello Claire,” she says. “Victoria, it’s nice to see you,” Claire says. “Is it?” Victoria asks. She just said it was, duh. But wait…palpable tension! Screeching violins play! It mustn’t be nice to see her. Willie’s eyebrows rise as she introduces herself.

Did I start drinking again? Because maybe I will…

Willie says, “You were talking about my stylist choice.” Claire blows her off and tells her to forget it, and she is clearly rattled. Oh, Claire, you’re an alcoholic; surely you can cover better. Willie decides to use Victoria’s dislike of Claire to her advantage and to find out more.

Betty is meeting with Bernadette Peters in the cafeteria where she’s being told for the fifty millionth time that times are tough and magazines are only hiring the best. Yes, thanks, who knew that a dying industry might only be minimally hiring? Betty thanks her for being such a great mentor and Bernadette tells her to get her a cake – no, she doesn’t eat cake, get her boysenberry pie. Does Bernadette Peters ever play a character that isn’t, you know, just her?

Before she leaves, Bernadette asks while shaking it like she means it if Marc has said anything about her? No, not even to his priest, you know why? HE’S GAY and HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This woman is insufferable and so stupid. YETI must really suck. Is it a safety institute?

At Casa Suarez, Papi asks Betty if she’s nervous about her interviews the next day because she’s being so quiet. Maybe she’s talking it’s just her outfit is so loud it’s drowning her out. Sort of, but she’s more worried about what she needs to tell them. “Matt asked me to move in with him,” she blurts out as everyone’s forks drop loudly.

Betty rationalizes it to Papi saying he’s so much better now, she’ll still be around, she and Matt can still come over, and I’m thinking it’s less about Papi and more about how you feel, Betty, but whatever gets you through your day. Papi says it’s fine much to everyone’s surprise, including mine. Papi says he understands his girls have lives of their own, well at least Justin and Betty, but then under his breath he says he doesn’t understand why no one talks marriage first. Because having kids is less of a commitment?

The next day, Betty tells Matt that she’ll move in with him, and I get tired just thinking of her having to haul all of her stuff back into Manhattan so soon after having moved out. Matt does a pre-sexoholic jump in the air that makes him seem cute again, but don’t fall for that for long. Also? Betty’s interview outfit could use some help. With a book of matches. And I hope she doesn’t have latte breath when she gets there. Hasn’t she read Knock ‘Em Dead?

I’ve got the Holy Spirit in me!

“I’m interviewing for an editor position, I’m moving in with you…it’s like everything is perfect,” Betty says. “Oh my God, there’s even a rainbow,” she finishes, her eyes following the rainbow down not to a pot of gold but a huge hunk of HENRY yelling for a taxi. Betty drops her coffee. “Matt, I have to call you back,” she says. I know! I thought the end of the rainbow would be Gio, but Henry is still better than Matt at this point. I miss poor, bumbling, sports-writer Matt who didn’t understand the color brown.

So much better than a pot of gold. I think.

Back at the office, Betty asks Amanda if she has any messages. She does, and it’s urgent. Betty reads, “Bradford needs to see you in his office immediately.” Ha! It’s funny, ’cause he’s dead! Betty’s upset there are no other messages and tells Amanda and Marc that she just saw Henry getting into a cab. Amanda says sometimes it happens that you think you see people who have died. Marc reminds her that Henry’s not dead, but the jury is still out on his new show so he’s back for some sneaky lovin’.

Over at The View, we see the only women dumb enough to do this crossover are the Loud Jew and Stupid Republican. Let’s see if they are any match for Daniel. He begins talking about the wedding issue and mentions Tracy Reese has just designed her first dress and I’m thinking…is that someone from One Tree Hill or or something I should know about but don’t because I’m old and more worried about how I need a new water heater?

They could all be wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt.

Speaking of weddings, they want to know about Daniel’s…”How’s the bride?” Loud asks. Daniel says she’s doing great, what with her TERMINAL cancer and all, but then he tries to steel the conversation back to the wedding issue that still isn’t out, but Stupid interrupts and tells him he’s a totally changed man, then she and Loud take turns calling him a player, dog, blah, blah, blah. Did the writers take a vacation the week the finale was being written?

They camera pans over the crowd where tons of women have signs for Daniel, Daniel and Molly, etc. and I’m wondering how security let them in with those. I can’t even take an umbrella to a baseball game, but sure, block a View fan’s view of the The View with a sign. “Looks like you have some ‘Faniels’ out there,” Loud says. Why, why, why was this crossover necessary? Loud then tells him he can talk about the magazine right after he gives her a lap dance. ABC, please cancel that show!

“Bitches!” Wilhelmina says as she turns off the TV. Wise move AND comment. Marc comes flying in with all the info on Victoria Hartley including a “lesbian rumor from a very reliable source.” Did she do it with Claire? That would be hilariously awesome! In order to get to know her better, Willie will have to play tennis. “Congratulations,” Marc says, “you are now the youngest and most ethnic member of her tennis club.” I guess Loud Jew doesn’t belong there!

At her desk, Betty is looking through her YETI folder and then clicks over to Facebook or Twit-Her to see what Henry is doing. Turns out he’s in Chinatown enjoying dim-sum. I’ll tell you who is the sum of dim: Betty, for checking on Henry’s every move. Marc jumps up behind her and calls her a horny little hamster for sniffing around Henry’s info. She’s upset because Henry’s been in NY for three days and hasn’t called her.

Henry Grubstick ought to get a life.

“Who cares?” Marc asks. They have their YETI interviews in half an hour so “run a comb through that wig and let’s go!” Another Twit comes up and it turns out Henry is getting fat because he’s eating somewhere else now, and it turns out it’s one block from where Betty is. She really wants to go, but you know…interviews!

We see a montage of Betty interviewing with every dying magazine in New York, passing resumes, talking, nodding, blabbedy blah-blah. The last woman says, “That’s quite a resume you have, Betty. It was very nice talking with you.” Oh, she must have told her about covering for Daniel’s sexcapades and tossing water into his mouth during his workouts.

And they told two friends, and they told two friends…

As the woman goes to leave, Betty blurts out that she got her first subscription to The New York Review when she was seven. What a nerd. “John Cheever was on the cover and there was an article about how the Kroon had just replaced the Soviet ruble.” Wow, she was a TOTAL nerd. She says The New York Review helped her realize there was a big world out there. The woman looks impressed despite Betty’s outfit.

Bernadette comes running in to tell Betty that everyone loved her, but when Marc asks she answers, “To be honest, they thought you were selfish.” I guess he shouldn’t have taken away the Marc love so quickly. “They were hurt you never called back,” she says. Calm down, Fatal Attraction.

Outside, Betty assures Marc that Bernadette would not sabotage his career. I would disagree. Betty asks Marc what happened and he says, “There were kisses and boobs and lots of tears.” Just like most of Amanda’s dates. Speaking of which, she jumps into the scene out of nowhere asking them how the interviews went, hoping not well because she doesn’t want to lose them.

“Marc, it would be like losing my soul mate, and Betty, it would be like losing an elderly aunt I’m somewhat fond of,” who smells like mothballs and old red and white mints. I added that last part because she sort of looks that way. They stop on a street corner and Marc says, “Hey look, it’s Café Blini…” and Betty looks at her watch and says, “Henry is probably still there.” Weren’t you just in a marathon of interviews this afternoon? Seems like Henry is probably on his 10th restaurant and 40th Twit of the day.

Betty decides she doesn’t want to go, so she turns and begins to walk the other direction and runs right into Gio! He proposes and they get married and live happily ever after! No, actually, it’s Henry, who I also adore but he does have a kid which takes him off my list of five if he had ever been included in the first place (George Clooney, John Stewart, John Hamm, Josh Lucas, Aaron Eckart and Kal Penn tie for fifth – one can be an alternate…but damn! Where does that put Gabriel Byrne and Mark Wahlberg? I’ll need to get back to you).

Please don’t squeeze the Henry.

“Hi Betty,” Henry says, as Charlie 2.0 comes up behind him and says, “This is Betty?” and Marc and Amanda are totally loving the draaaaamaaaa. “I’m Chloe, Henry’s girlfriend,” Charlie 2.0 says. Oh MOTHER BEEEEEEP. God, she’s got perfectly straight and white teeth!

Henry and Betty are looking at each other like they want to jump on each other and Chloe is rambling on about meeting Henry’s Mode friends. Yeah, he only had one…Betty. “Are you dying? You must be dying,” Amanda says to Betty. Betty asks Henry why he’s here in New York and he says that Chloe is here for an aerobics conference. Of course she is, perky little bitch.

Marc and Amanda lean forward to feel Henry up as Chloe tells them he was starting to get a little bit of a pot and “I said, not on my watch.” Thank God she’s not watching me. Henry looks embarrassed. Betty looks forlorn. Or foghorn. As in leghorn. Chloe asks Betty out to dinner tonight but she’s going to that Mets game where a dying woman is throwing out the first baseball to help promote a magazine that hasn’t even gone to print. Sorry!

Marc and Amanda immediately give over their tickets to Chloe and Henry, and that’s when Henry finds out Betty has a new beau. “Cool,” is what he says. Well, don’t worry; he’s not an aerobics instructor.

Over at Country Club Whitey, Victoria is asking Billie Jean King if she’s really won 6 Wimbeldons. Okay, so no black people, but the lesbos are allowed? Interesting club. Billie Jean says she let her win. Probably safer.

Suddenly Wilhelmina is there waving to Victoria. Turns out on her first day as a new member, her partner is a no-show. Victoria hates to see someone lose their court so she’s up for playing. Yes, yes she is.

Back over at the Meade Hospice, Daniel walks in on Molly watching Daniel in the throngs of his fans with more signs. Man, I should have bought stock in Hobby Lobby. Molly shushes Daniel and he asks why she continues to watch it. “It’s fascinating,” she says. “You are going to get so much tail when I’m gone.” Yeah, unlike before you were here and he was living like a monk. Also? That was sick.

TV is a very demanding mistress, even on the walking dead.

Daniel tells her not to talk like that and she tells him he’s a “national treasure,” showing him a magazine labeling him a national treasure. He really doesn’t like this whole thing and asks if she’s still up for the game. “Yeah, I’m dying to get out,” she says. And how!

Back on the tennis court, Willie is letting Victoria win (I’m guessing) and Willie tries to get in good with her. They start talking boys and Victoria recommends getting alcohol to ease the pain. Could girl-on-girl action be in their future?

Victoria had a lesbian “incident” ?
Yeah, Willie would hit that!

Claire walks into Daniel’s office with a gift that was accidentally put on her desk. It’s a thong with a woman’s number on it that was supposed to go to Daniel. I bet Tom Jones got pissed. “Jersey area code,” his mother says. You don’t hear or see the disdain, but it’s there. Daniel is creeped out and tells his mother Molly’s getting obsessed with who he’s going to be with when she dies. Or not. “I can’t think about life after Molly,” he says. Really? I can.

Over at Betty’s desk Matt says, “So we’re going to the game with your ex-boyfriend?” Yes, and his abs rule and he’s not a sexoholic, but he is a father so right now it’s a toss up between you two. Matt says he’s cool with it. Betty’s phone rings and it’s Bernadette! With good news!

“Daniel,” Betty says in Daniel’s office, “I’m going to be an editor.” Like hell you are. How do you go from admin to editor, would someone please explain that to me if that happens without some slap-and-tickle? Do you ever think the actors sit around the table at the reading and say, yeah, this really doesn’t make sense, or do you think they just collect their checks?

“It’s not official yet,” she says…well, way to jinx it, now it totally won’t happen. Turns out The New York Review will be calling her tomorrow to make an offer. Daniel is going to miss her, she’s going to miss Mode, Betty starts crying, Daniel thanks her “for everything,” now let’s get to the boyfriend-off at the game!

The celebrity first pitch is thrown out by Daniel Meade who is more of a celebutard. I love the way the seats are barely filled for this game, they must be playing the Cubs. Betty is at the game dressed like a muppet, but Matt still gives her the security card to get into his building. Aw, sweet. Or maybe it was a hotel room key. He might be more comfortable with that.

DUCK! Gayest pitch ever coming your way!

And here’s Henry! “Sorry we’re late,” Chloe says, “but we’re girls, right Betty?” Do you think she thinks Betty is a hermaphrodite and she’s just trying to see? Betty and Henry are sitting next to each other and to be honest, it’s hot. Nerd-hot, but still, these two would totally jump each other if the bathrooms were clean.

So, let’s get to the boyfriend off. Henry – accountant; Matt – man of leisure, point…Henry. Betty tells Henry Matt’s a painter and has half a law degree, so he’s got some really worthwhile skills. She decides not to tell Henry Matt’s rich. Good move. Chloe starts talking about how she whipped Henry into shape and tries to show his six-pack. Nice. Betty hopes Matt doesn’t do the belly button talking thing, but he does. Point, Henry. Suddenly Betty sees Matt versus Henry on the big board and begins keeping score herself.

It’s easy to see how Matt managed to get so much tail.

Daniel and Molly are eating fries when a friend of hers walks up. Molly introduces her to Daniel, tells him all the things they have in common, they both went to Harvard (who goes to Harvard for a teaching degree? You’ll be paying that student loan off…never), both are jocks (what?), and both hate desserts (who hates dessert?). Then Daniel makes a fool of himself by telling Molly’s friend that he doesn’t want to go out with her, which is good because she’s there with her husband. Oops. Way to make Molly’s last moments on earth socially awkward, ass!

Henry is telling Betty about his kid being in pre-school (seriously, that kid is already that big?) and he tells this funny story about something, I don’t really care because it’s kid-related, they all laugh, and Betty continues to mentally have Matt and Henry compete.

Chloe mentions Henry’s big, new apartment that is further away from her, boo-hoo, and Matt decides it’s the time to tell everyone their big news. Betty tells them about the editor position at The New York Review and Henry is totally excited because he knows that is her dream job. Matt is pissed and hurt, and after the game he asks her why she didn’t tell them about moving in with him..

Betty stumbles over her stupid excuses and probably actually believes them. Matt asks her if she still wants to move in together, and her mouth says yes but her eyes say, “I wish I were having a Gio sandwich right now, and I’m not talking about something on the deli menu.” Or she was thinking of Henry.

And speaking of raining men, Victoria and Willie are at Willie’s apartment drinking, singing, and about to join the other team. They would totally be invincible, wouldn’t they be? I bet they could whip Mode into shape! I wonder if those martinis have cherry antioxidants?

Willie’s phone rings and she looks at it. “Ugh,” she says, “Claire Meade. Leave me alone, you pill-popping hag.” She turns to Victoria and apologizes. “Claire and I have a complicated relationship.” Victoria says not to worry, that bitch almost ruined her marriage, you know, before she herself did. Willie pries it out of her…”Claire and Cal got a little too close,” Victoria says.

“You poor thing,” Willie says. “There was an affair?” “Worse,” Victoria says. “There was a baby.” Dun-dun-dunn oh my God this is totally awesome! Was Claire drinking when she was pregnant? Because I’m thinking Daniel is Cal’s son! I’m sure we could blame some of Daniel on fetal alcohol syndrome.

This is what evil pleasure looks like.
I must practice with my own eyebrows.

Back at Casa Suarez, Hilda is grilling Betty on why moving in with Matt didn’t come up. She says she loves Matt, but when she saw Henry, he took her breath away. I would say it’s because you are still in love with him, but that’s just me. He was rather perfect for her, outside of that whole baby-daddy scenario. Hilda lays it on the line and tells her Henry isn’t real, and she’s got Betty on this one. She tells Betty not to see Henry again.

Back at Molly & Daniel’s, he’s apologizing for being such an idiot. Daniel! Molly doesn’t have that kind of time on her hands. Molly laughs and says maybe he should date her friend since they already have a funny story on how they met. Daniel is so not amused and he yells at Molly. Good one, yelling at a dying woman.

“Do you want to know why I make all those jokes?” she asks, tearing up. Uh-oh. “Because I’m trying to wrap my head around the worst thing I can imagine.” Do not make me feel bad for you! “That I will die. And you will meet someone, and move on, and forget me. That’s what I’m most afraid of, that the world will just go on without me and everyone will forget I was here.” Aw, geez, how I’m I supposed to make fun of her now when I can’t even see the screen in front of me for reasons you don’t need to know about. I guess the good writers didn’t go on vacation. Daniel promises her he’ll never forget her. Sniff. Pass me a damn tissue.

Uh, this is a little awkward, but…
when Molly’s dead, can I have her engagement ring?

Back at Mode the next day, Betty is leaving “another” message for Bernadette because she still hasn’t heard from the magazine (it has been 18 hours, after all). Looking at Henry’s Facebook page, she goes to remove him as a friend when Marc rolls up and tells Betty he got three offers. As if. He didn’t close the deal with Bernadette; she didn’t close the deal for him.

Marc asks how it’s going for her and she tells him the good/maybe-not-so-much news. “I knew you got an offer! I got nothing!” He’s totally upset because he had a great interview at Vogue. Betty touches his hand and goes to say something nice and he says, “Don’t! My skins rots where you touch it!” Damn, that was mean, even for Marc.

Betty tells Marc to call Vogue to let them know what they were losing out on. He agrees. “If they are going to reject me, they are going to have to tell me why.” He leaves. He comes back. “Thanks,” he says to Betty. Hey, Betty, take your own advice. Find out what’s going on! She calls the magazine and rut-roh…something ain’t right in Candyland.

Betty storms into Bernadette’s office. “You stole my job?” she says. Oh you have got to be kidding me. Kill her Betty, kill her now and no one will convict! “I didn’t steal it,” Bernadette says, “I just convinced them to hire me instead.” Yeah, you stole it. Why is Betty wearing a shower curtain from 1962?

Hard to be taken seriously when you look so blousey.

Bernadette says they got her for a very “reduced rate,” which I’m sure she’s doing all over town in other ways too, “but that left no money for the two junior editor positions.” Betty is fuming because obviously one of those was supposed to be hers. Bernadette tells her it’s been hard seeing a cheery 20-something “waltz in and take what I’ve been dreaming of my whole career.” Didn’t she have a good career? Isn’t that why she’s overseeing this year’s YETI group?

“You were my hero,” Betty says, “I idolized you.” Bernadette tells her it’s been a crappy year. She lost her 401(k), her cat died, and she’s hitting on gay guys. “I’m tired of helping other people get what they want. Who said I’m done?” Betty grimaces. “I guess you aren’t,” she spats. Well, as much as Betty can spat.

Over at some spa that looks like Mode, Marc is checking on Willie. Her whole body has tennis elbow, she’s got a hangover “worthy of a college freshman,” but she also has the scoop on Claire. Unfortunately, Marc is not as happy as she is and he spills about the interviews. I was kind of hoping that Willie had called and screwed things up to promote him so he’d stay for her, but no such luck.

“But I did get an offer,” he says, “from Vogue. I start in two weeks.” Wha-huh?!?!? Willie is stunned.

Hellraiser XII: The Willie Years.

Betty is at the office, still wearing the shower curtain, after hours, and is crying to Matt’s voicemail. She sits down at her computer and sees that Henry is still up on Facebook. He updates that damn think like every 30 seconds. Betty sees he’s right in the park near her. Hmmmm.

Daniel is at home and he wakes Molly up from her dead sleep. He wants to show her the cover of the wedding issue…it’s HER! “It’s going to sell millions. Everyone will know Molly was here.” She kisses him and asks if she looks fat. She actually looks pretty cute and finally…the magazine has been printed!

Just wait 20 minutes so it can be named Magazine of the Year!

Over in the park, Henry says, “I can’t believe she stole your job!” Oh, here we go, the sharing and caring of two ex-lovers. This won’t end well. “I just needed somebody to talk to,” she says. “Why do you think I was updating my Facebook stuff so much? I wanted you to find me.” Is he getting butterflies too? Man, babies ruin everything!

“I have to tell you something,” she says. “I’m moving in with Matt.” Henry wants to know if she loves him and she says she does. She also says that what she had with Henry was amazing and exciting but what she has with Matt is totally different but good. Henry agrees Matt is a great guy. Betty says Chloe is a great girl. Henry says he’s not sure why he’s with her since they only thing they have in common is that they can do one-arm push-ups. Well, that’s a relationship sealer if I ever heard one.

There’s the money shot!

“I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel this way about anyone else,” he blurts out. “Me neither,” she says. Oh crap. What are they going to do. She says she’ll accept that she’ll always be a little bit in love with him which is okay as long as it doesn’t keep them from moving on to raging sexoholics. They go to say goodbye, hug, and kiss. Then they start making out like monkeys. Then they break apart and Henry walks away, which is good because Matt is standing about 100 feet away watching, and he has enough money to have Henry killed.

Sucks to be you dude.

Betty begins to explain a dream she had where she’s in a park eating a hot dog (in dream world, that’s a penis), then Antonio Sabato Junior takes the hot dog away from her and kisses her, and it turns out to be Matt who yells at her for being a cheater. She’s telling this to Hilda who is advising Betty not to tell Matt about the kissing. She wants to tell Matt to make sure they start their lives together with a clean slate. And that dream sequence was really weird. I think the hotdog represented Gio.

Justin comes down because they are doing the announcement of the MAMA awards and he wants to see if Mode was nominated for anything. Hilda is thrilled Justin is so full of culture and says she’s sure he’s getting into that performing arts high school. Did I miss an episode? Oh, look, it’s Rachel Maddow doing the award nominations because why now? So many celebrities on this finale, it’s hard to keep track and somewhat irritating, isn’t it? And where’s the cherry you-know-what from last week?

Marc stops by Willie’s apartment for the announcement and Mode is nominated for their wedding issue which was just printed yesterday. Wouldn’t they have nominated magazines from the previous year? Over at death watch, Molly wakes Daniel to tell him, and he reminds her that she had a fever last night and she needs to get back to bed.

Willie is at Mode smiling and thanking people for their accolades as mark throws flowers the color of Willie’s dress all over for her to walk on like most of her employees. She wants to know where the press is and Marc tells her “eagerly awaiting their queen.” They turn the corner and there is Claire dressed as crazy Joan Crawford talking to the media. Willie is pissed and decides to bust out her little nugget.

She’s ready for her close up, Mr. DeMille.
Well, not too close.

Claire asks if there are any more questions and Willie says, “I have one. I was thinking about taking a vacation to Madison, South Dakota. I hear it’s a wonderful place to find your…inner child. Ever been there recently? Or in the early 80s?” she finishes. Claire looks stunned and thanks everyone for coming.

In Daniel’s office, he asks Betty if Penny Meadows has finished the Yves Saint Laurent piece yet, as she’s been working on it for months. Betty doesn’t want to go check because this woman is mean and “her breath smells like coffee and mothballs and another weird smell I can’t quite figure out.”

“What the hell do you want, Eyebrow?” Penny a.k.a. Rachel Dratch screams at Betty. Good one. Betty asks about the piece and Penny is bitching and moaning about the pigeons on her window ledge, and I’m thinking they really should keep those windows closed. She crawls out on the ledge and shoos the pigeons. Betty gets a message from Matt that he’s outside.

If they mated: Coco Chanel and Betty.

Back from his artist retreat which must have happened when exactly, since the magazine was just printed and got an award the next day and Betty’s been having that hot dog dream for three days…anyway, time in Betty world is beyond all of us. Matt’s new painting is of two people, I’m going to say Matt and Betty, seated at a table with gas masks on. Because someone let one fly?

“Why are they wearing gas masks?” Betty asks. “They’re protecting them from the foul stench of their lives,” he answers. Man, he IS an artist. “It’s where inspiration took me.” Or did he say perspiration and that’s why they are wearing the gas masks? Betty tells him she has something she needs to talk to him about.

Jesus, project your emotions much?

“God, this is hard,” she says, “but before we move in, I think you should know…” and we hear screaming and a body hits a car across the street. “Oh my God,” Betty says, “Penny?” Yeah, she’s dead.

Who the hell was able to get
parking right in front of the building?

“Fall fashion exclusive!” Suzuki says, “With the emphasis on FALL.” He explains she was shooing pigeons away from her window so on his “sexy death meter, this rates a three.” That seem high…have you smelled her breath? Daniel says he issued a statement and Betty says she sent flowers to the family. They decide to have a memorial for her even though everyone hated her, but it gives them a chance to bring in a coffee cart.

“How are we going to spread out her workload here?” Daniel asks. Betty wastes no time in seizing that brass ring. She is about to ask for the job and Daniel saves her. “Do you want her job?” he says. She feels awful but Betty, it’s New York, this is how they roll. Same with apartments. He thinks a features editor position would be perfect for Betty. I think intern would be a step up.

Back as Casa Suarez, they are celebrating for their little Betty. Hilda asks Betty how things went with Matt and Betty says the dead woman actually interrupted the tell-all. Hilda says that Penny gave her life to give Betty a new one – she got a new job and didn’t muck everything up with Matt. I’m sort of with Hilda on this one. I’m agreeing with her a lot lately, aren’t I? That can’t be good…more a sign of the impending apocalypse.

At Mode Amanda is explaining the intricacies of working for Wilhelmina to new guy, making sure he knows to call Willie “Honey,” how she likes a big morning mouth-kiss, etc. She tells Marc she hates the new guy and that he can’t just replace himself “with another gay guy.” New guy says he’s not gay but Marc gives him the “whatever” look, as do I. Marc hands new guy a file to give to Willie, and poor new guy slips and falls in front of Willie, but still manages to hold up the folder so she can take it. He may do well there!

That’s a good place for you, minion.
And don’t look up my dress.

As Willie is about to step into her office, Claire catches her and says, “Wilhelmina, we need to talk.” She tells Wilhelmina that she did get pregnant by Cal, left the city, and terminated the pregnancy. Because we all know it’s much easier to get an abortion in South Dakota than it is in New York City. Turns out neither Bradford nor Cal knew about the baby (so how did Victoria and if she did, why didn’t she bring that up in the divorce?) and “all the lying” led Claire to have a nervous breakdown. “It took me a year to recover,” she says.

“I love our girl talks,” Willie says, adding she understands why Claire wouldn’t want Cal to know. “What do you want, Wilhelmina,” Claire asks. You mean besides world domination and one more night with Connor? She tells Claire to step down as Senior VP of Meade, and to keep her big “dandelion head” out of the Meade business. Hmm. I don’t think it will be that easy, that head’s pretty big. Claire turns to walk out and Willie suggests she announce her resignation at the MAMA awards, which I just got (little slow on the uptake, kids).

Marc walks in and laments this will be their last caper together. They reminisce about stealing Bradford’s will, his sperm, and trying to frame Christina for murder. They laugh. “We really should be in jail,” Marc realizes. Willie tells Marc she is really going to miss him, then she does something so heinous it’s almost too evil to watch: she hugs him.

Did you hear that noise? Hell just froze over
and Satan’s wank fell off.

New guy comes in to tell them Penny’s memorial is about to start and Marc hisses him away. Then Willie says she wants to talk to Marc about something…

At Penny’s memorial, they have a hideously large picture of her draped in black. Klassy! Where is the coffee bar? Oh, there it is, in the back. I’ll take a frappucino with extra whipped cream. Betty gets a call from Matt wanting to know what that really important things was that she was going to tell him before Penny came crashing onto that Buick. “It was nothing,” she says. He tells her it sounded pretty important but she blows him off again. Hey, judgy sexoholic, calm down.

Amanda screams because Penny’s ghost is back, back for revenge! Actually, it’s her sister. “We all really…worked with her,” Amanda says. Smooth. Willie comes out of nowhere saying, “Let’s get this dog and pony show on the road, I have an eyelash tint at 4.” God bless that woman. She sees the coffee bar and takes off.

Betty makes the introduction and has to ask the barista to not make blended drinks during her speech. Man, a funeral with a coffee bar, that’s the way to go. Betty tries being nice and asks if anyone wants to share their thoughts. Marc gets up and announces that he’s saddened by Penny’s death but to make sense of this, he will carry on her legacy as the new feature editor. “WHAT!?!” Betty screams. “That’s my job!” Marc tells her you snooze, you lose, and she says, “I didn’t snooze, I went after that job the second she died!” Betty, today you are my favorite.

“Is this still about my sister?” her sister asks. No, and it never was. It was about a double-half-caf with an extra shot of hazelnut, extra foam and a dusting of cocoa powder from Colombia. And a twist of lemon.

“You can stare at me all you want, Marc, I’m not giving in. Daniel gave me this promotion,” Betty says. Marc counters with the fact that Willie gave it to him…AFTER Betty got it, but whatever. Where is their HR department, drunk at Coyote Ugly? “Aren’t you going to Vogue?” she asks. Turns out Marc passed on it when he got this promotion. Dude, should have gotten it in writing, you totally just screwed yourself.

Wilhelmina and Daniel come out of the office and tell Betty and Marc they are both fully qualified, so they want the two of them to take Penny’s notes and write the Yves Saint Laurent article. Whoever does the better job gets the job. Meh, I think it should go to Betty since she was offered it first. “The loser, gets fired,” Willie says. “The loser stays an assistant,” Daniel points out. Willie says that’s not as interesting, but okay.

Over at Casa Not-Even-Wait-Listed, Justin screams like a girl because he got his letter from the performing arts school. How many of you looked at the envelope and thought, “Small envelope. He’s been denied. If you got in, they always send a big envelope with forms.” Papi opens and reads: DENIED! Justin is devastated.

I would recommend not wearing your lipstick shirt on your
first day of punch you in the face high school.

Back at Mode Daniel tells Betty she’s going to win because there is no way in hell Marc could turn in a better written piece. I would probably agree with that, although his aesthetic is amazing (remember his YETI portfolio, when YETI actually seemed like a good program?). Betty does not seem so sure. Amanda comes by and looks over Betty’s shoulder.

“Is that your family?” she asks. “No, Amanda, those are birds,” Betty says, as she realizes Penny’s hard drive is full of pigeon pictures. Amanda mentions that Penny liked to work from home a lot. Betty goes to check it out because breaking into people’s homes isn’t just reserved for interns on House.

As Betty gets up to leave, she runs right into Matt. Jesus, since he quit his job he sure is stalkerishly annoying. They eat lunch outside and Matt asks, “Did Henry and his girlfriend get off okay?” Henry did, that’s for damn sure. He asks Betty if she saw him again before he left and she says yes, but it wasn’t a big deal.

Very ladylike, Betty.

Matt disagrees. “I saw you. You kissed him. Right here, in this park, and I have given you every opportunity to tell me but you didn’t.” Oh, cry me a river, Man Whore 2.0. She tells him it didn’t mean anything, she was just saying goodbye. He gets up to leave and Betty asks if they can talk about it. Matt says that’s all he wanted to do since he stood there with his heart in his socks. See, that’s the difference Matt. Henry’s got something else hanging down in his socks. That kind of thing is sort of hard to forget.

Daniel comes home and is yelling on the phone, and Molly says, “You’re sexy when you get all Bossy Boots.” That would be a great, and probably accurate, name for a cat. Or a band. Molly is all dressed up and is lighting candles on a table for lunch. She thought a romantic meal would let him relax, which he does after tossing her around on the bed.

Betty opens the door to Penny’s apartment, and Marc has already been all up in apartment’s business. The apartment is a mess, with stacks of crap, menthol cigs, and vintage porn, not to mention a meowing cat, probably named Bossy Boots. They start going through things and Betty says, “She really did like beef jerky, didn’t she. OH! That was the other smell on her breath!” Mystery solved!

“What are you two dinks doing here?” Penny’s sister asks. Oops, probably should have knocked first. Marc asks how she’s doing (as if he cares) and she tells them she just had a pap schmear, stepped in poo on the subway (meaning it could be human), and her sister is dead. Marc says it sounds like she needs a hug and he shoves Betty her way. But Penny’s sister isn’t having it because she got a real “lesbo vibe” off Betty from the minute she met her. And how!

Betty gives this whole song and dance about putting together the Yves Saint Laurent piece in memory of Penny. Yeah, and I want to win the lottery so I can do charity work, not! Her sister finds her notes and says, “Is this what you’re looking for?” Then she tosses the papers out the window and they fall to the ground much like Penny but with less of a thud.

That hag did not just throw out our
Get Out of Mode free card, did she?

Back at Amanda and Marc’s apartment, Marc and Betty are getting drunk on margaritas because they apparently have no clue how to write a report on Yves Saint Laurent without coo-coo-le-coo’s crap-ass notes. Neither of them deserves that job! They whine about their little problems, what pains-in-the-ass their bosses are, and Amanda sums it up perfectly. “Do you know who I think the real idiots are? The two of you.” She says they are whiners and need to get their shit together. “Marc, with your brains and Betty, with your Aztec build, there is nothing the two of you can’t do.” Amen!

Betty says, “She’s right. We can do anything. We just have to join forces.” So they do, and the next day they both turn in their resignations. Lucky bastards! No, wait…paycheck, insurance, paycheck, insurance…Betty says they are both worthy of the position, and they are turning the tables on Daniel and Willie. They are the ones who have to decide who should be editor, “Of a fashion magazine,” Marc says, pointing out what Betty is wearing. “A features editor,” Betty corrects, followed by Marc’s, “Of a fashion magazine,” as he points out what Betty is wearing. Good arguments both ways.

Thanks, Marc, for pointing out the obvious.

The leave the conference room and they are both terrified. Betty’s new-found confidence takes her over to Matt’s art class to talk. “I don’t know if I’m ready yet,” Matt says. Oh, man up, you pussy. She put up with your sexoholicism, your bitch-ass mother, your psycho dad, I think you can cut her some slack for kissing a guy for 30 seconds. I’m not saying it’s right, but I am saying in the scheme of things, small issue. Perhaps you just put off moving in together for a few months? By the way, Ajerkoffboyfriendsayswhat?

She gives him the whole I’m sorry I shouldn’t have, if I could take it back I would but I can’t, but I love you and I want to be with you, yadda yadda lobster bisque. “I don’t think we should throw this all away,” she says. He says he has to get to class because he has no class and Betty shoves a ticket to the MAMA awards in his hand. Honestly, she should sort of be glad to be rid of this guy. He doesn’t just come with baggage, it’s a full set of hand-sewn Hermes.

That night, Daniel is getting ready for the awards and is looking for his note cards. Don’t forget to thank your wife, Sean Penn. Molly has a fever so she’ll be joining him later, towards the time when his award is being announced. Daniel wants to stay but she says she’ll take a nap (and how!) and be fine. Daniel says he’s having the nurse come by to check on her.

At the awards, Willie looks like a 1979 disco ball and she tells Claire she’s “looking forward to the announcement.” As if she’d really do that there. Betty’s walking on the red carpet and bumps into Antonio Sabato Junior, whatever, and Justin makes fun of her dream. “Hey you,” Marc says, grabbing Justin, “Betty’s son…come with me, I want to get two bags from the swag room.”

Oh looky-loo, Matt’s here. You think he could have shaved. He bumps into his dad who is surprised to see him. Matt says he’s here to see Betty and his dad wonders if everything is okay. Why not confide in the man who had little to no time for you growing up Matt? Good boy, arf!

Is that a 5 o’clock shadow or mold?

Justin is bemoaning his denial to Marc and Marc tells him to chill. Basically, he and Justin have this nice moment where they are talking about “fitting in” at high school, and Marc tells him if he can’t find his niche, he should make it. “I am a product of the public high school system, and I think I’m pretty great,” Marc says. Yes, you are.

So Matt spills to his dad like they are old girlfriends getting a mani-pedi, and Cal tells him about the first motorcycle he ever got. Oh, dad wisdom. Here we go. He said he loved the motorcycle and no matter what he got after that, his first motorcycle with his favorite; the one he compared the rest of his motorcycles to. See, what is happening here is that Henry is the motorcycle, and Matt is the Vespa on which Betty spills her latte. It all comes back to being a coaster, right? Wow, that is just a lot of metaphor in one paragraph, almost like too much icing on a cake.

“I get it,” Matt says. “I’m fancier but Henry runs like stink.” Yes, that’s it exactly. Also, Henry is better in bed, more clean-shaven, has better abs, and a great sense of humor. However, he’s no Gio who makes Betty’s toes curl. Actually, it’s my toes he makes curl. “You’ll always be competing with the first motorcycle,” Cal warns, “especially when it’s shoving it’s tongue down your girlfriend’s throat.” So damn classy, that family.

Cal suggests getting good and mad, but channeling it into work. So you don’t beat your girlfriend, is that what that is supposed to mean? This family is so effed up. And where is Matt going to channel that, working on becoming the male Paris Hilton? “I don’t have a job anymore,” Matt says (didn’t he kind of love the sports job?). “You could,” Cal says. That’s how Daniel got his start! Nepotism…keep it in the family.

Daniel bumps into Wilhelmina stealing swag bags and he says they have to make a decision as to who gets the features editor job. How about someone actually qualified for it like the ASSISTANT features editor? Dumbasses. To solidify their dumbass-ness, they actually, yes, FLIP A COIN. Way to take the reins and make a decision, Wussy McWussertons. Another good name for a cat.

They are making a decision about someone’s life and
they know to treat it with all the respect it deserves.

Daniel walks in to the dining room and asks to see Betty. She got the job! She screams! She jumps! She hugs Daniel and sees Marc being told he didn’t get the job. He is going to kill himself since he took a pass on the Vogue job. Moron!

She does look better blurry.

Then the nominations for whatever Mode is in the running for, and it’s their wedding issue that is nominated. Because of it’s 3 days on the newsstands. Time is such a flexible enigma in Ugly Betty land. And who wins? MODE! Score! Daniel and Willie go onstage to accept the award. Daniel goes to make his speech but Marc had stolen his note cards earlier. Daniel looks up and sees Molly behind Betty. She did make it!

Daniel gives a sappy speech about the wedding issue that is really aimed at Molly and how she made him a better person, blah, blah, blah. Then he says, “To my wife, Molly, I love you.” She says she loves him too and everyone applauds. Then a waiter walks by and Molly is gone! Daniel runs over to where she was standing and Betty tells him his speech was beautiful.

She made it! Or not really!

“Where did Molly go?” he asks. Betty says she hasn’t seen her. “She was right next to you,” Daniel says. Betty is pretty sure she wasn’t and Daniel gets a funny look on his face and says, “I’m going to go,” and he tears out of there. This can’t be good.

Over at the bar, Willie asks Claire when she is going to make her announcement. Yes, leave it to Mode to steal the limelight once again with a stupid upper management change. Claire says she’s not making the announcement and Willie’s all like, “I’m telling dad!” and says she’s telling Cal about the baby. “I already know,” Cal says, coming up behind Willie. “And it’s none of your business.”

“Cal and I have been talking and we need to re-evaluate your role in the company,” Claire says. Maybe she could become her own assistant, since that job is open? Claire and Cal take off, probably to have sex in the bathroom.

Ah, shit.

Betty is on the phone with Hilda and they are talking about celebrating Betty’s promotion. They ask why she isn’t home yet, and it’s because she’s busy scraping bird poop off her new office. Well, that, and she’s setting it up. It’s all metal and white which is not great feng shui. Get some purple in there, Betty! Oh, there’s the bunny…that’s pink!

Matt walks into her office and Betty is all excited to see him. He says he has to ask her something. This cannot be good. “Do you still love him?” She pauses just a little too long, but I think it’s more shock at the question than anything. “So you do,” Matt concurs. She tells him that Henry was her first love (what about Walter? I guess he was just a sex object) and she’ll always love him a little because of that. “Don’t you feel that way about your first love?” Oh, Betty, even I knew better than to pose that question!

“Thing is, Betty,” he says, tearing up, “you’re my first love.” D’oh, crap. Good one, Betty. “You told me all I needed to hear.” Betty doesn’t know what he’s saying. “I’m saying…we’re over,” he says. Betty is stunned because it’s usually her dumping the guy.

“That’s it, you’re just going to walk away, I’m never going to see you again?” she says. “Oh, you’ll see me. Everyday….I’m your new boss.” Oh you son of a bitch! And I’m not sure which Hartley I’m talking to! WHERE THE HELL IS THEIR HR DEPARTMENT?

Who’s here now, Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

Over in Willie’s apartment, she is