Ugly Betty: Series Finale – The Fat Betty Sings!

When we last left Betty, she was accepting a job offer in London while Willie was getting shot. Coincidence? Unfortunately, it was. We open this VERY LAST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD Ugly Betty at a funeral – Willie’s? No! Halston – Fey Sommers skanky old dog. Amanda begins to bury Halsted but someone in the background is pointing out the whole group to the police. Amanda never got a permit to bury the dog. Awesome! Everyone flees for their lives. Or should I say fleas?

Here lies that skanky pooch. And her little dog, too!

Suzuki brings us up to speed on Willie saying she is in a coma after a mysterious shooting at the Mode offices. How mysterious could it have been? Drunk guy with a gun? I mean really, the NYPD could solve this one in a coma of their own! He says Claire was the only witness which again, what? Did she shoo Tyler on his way, then call for an ambulance? You know what? She probably did.

Suzuki’s Willie Web Cam is up and running! Haha, Suzuki’s willie…

At Casa de Great Britain, Papi is trying to get Betty to stay in New York by serving her haggis (good move!) while Hilda and Bobby talk about looking at houses. As if they could afford one with no one working? Hilda is keeping it a secret from Papi because how will he survive without his two girls there? Well, maybe he can move to California or wherever Elena ended up?

No one wants Dick Cheney’s balls for dinner, Papi.

Betty’s phone rings and for once it’s Daniel to the rescue! Betty takes off to meet Daniel and eat proper food. Hilda asks if Betty is finally going to tell Daniel she’s moving to London. Uh, yeah, better get on that.

Marc is at the hospital giving the still-coma’d Willie a manicure and talking to her about Amanda’s dead dog and possible father. Marc tells her that all of her scheming is killing her. Then he lies down next to her. “I think this is the best conversation we’ve had,” he says.

Willie’s soaking in it! Palmolive, that is…

Daniel’s emergency is that he needed Betty to help him decide on which picture to use for Mode‘s 100th anniversary issue. Yes, that is totally critical. Betty tries to tell Daniel she’s leaving and he cuts her off and asks her to write his profile for the issue. “There is no way I could have done this job without you. We make a good team,” he says. Ouch. She “forgets” what she was going to tell him.

THE RETURN OF CONNOR! Willie is shaken awake (gently, of course) and we hear Connor say, “Good morning sunshine.” Too bad he’s still in jail and this is probably Willie have a near-penitentiary experience.

She went towards the light and Jesus got much better looking!

Betty gets off the elevator and whispers into the phone to Hilda, “If anyone finds out I’m taking a job in London, it will spread like wildfire!” to which Marc says, “YOU’RE TAKING A JOB IN LONDON?” Wildfire? Consider yourself spread. Insert dirty Lindsay Lohan joke here.

Marc immediately texts the entire staff and everyone congratulates her as she runs to Daniel’s office to tell him. She says she has to tell him something and it’s big. “Bigger than you taking a job in London?” he asks. Oops.

So, Betty…where did you take that job?

Betty starts off with a rehearsed speech and Daniel stops her. “Betty, it’s fine,” he says. She’s surprised, then asks him to sign a form releasing her from her contract. What kind of contract would she have at her level. I mean, people are lucky to have jobs nowadays and I would think a contract would constitute, you know, a contract, and make it hard to fire/layoff someone. Seems like overkill for a low-ish level employee, huh?

Daniel says no problemo on signing off on the contract to let her go but his eyes say, “I’m pissed.” Rut-roh…Hey! Connor’s back! Shiny keys have diverted my attention.

Connor is talking to Willie – he says the guard let him out for a few hours, which means Connor is either in the best or worst prison ever. Willie said she thought he’d been transferred and Connor said he needed her to believe that so she could move on. But now he says he can’t live without her. Jesus, he sure is being a hootie tease, isn’t he?

Willie says she can’t believe she wasted her life fighting for that damn magazine when she should have been fighting for Connor. Or, you could have just been human and gotten both, but let’s see where this goes. “Wilhelmina Slater is going to be a completely different woman,” she says. Well where’s the fun in that? They kiss and her pulse increases – amen to that, sister.

Betty walks in her apartment while leaving a message for Daniel about the paperwork – Jesus, give him more than 2 hours to fill it out. Then Papi calls and tells her London is the dirtiest city in Europe and the most expensive and it has the worst food and the people are the most unfriendly in the world. Yeah, really not so much.

Betty opens her freezer and screams at the top of her lungs because Halston is in there, semi-cryogenically sealed, just not actually inside anything (doesn’t Betty have any Zip-locs? It’s not like Papi needed them for the flan anymore). “AMANDA!!!!!!!!!!”

It’s either Halston or Courtney Love, I can’t tell from this angle.

There is a huge discussion on where the dog should actually be housed and I’m thinking didn’t Amanda get some kind of stipend for this dog? I’d be looking for a replacement dog tout suite to keep that money coming in. A little inheritance fraud never hurt anyone. Then Amanda tells Betty that when she moves to London, she’s really going to miss her. You won’t even remember her!

Back at the hospital, Claire stops by to candy-stripe Willie and tells her they are saying Tyler had nothing to do with the shooting, “And we need you to corroborate our story.” Yeah, you need her more than she needs you right now, so play this carefully. “You made him drink. You supplied him with gun. This is your doing and you need to fix it.” She hands Willie a check. Should’ve used shares of the company instead.

Willie says she would have been happy with flowers or a note saying thank you for saving Claire’s life. Claire practically spits when she says she knows Willie’s going to use this until she gets her claws into Meade Publications – she only does what’s best for her.

“I guess you know me better than I know myself,” she says. She tears up the check and tells Claire to flap her bat wings and get out. Is Claire Batwoman? That would actually make a lot of sense.

Betty heads toward Daniel’s office as he holds up the document she needs him to sign. Then he takes a lighter and begins to burn it. It then burns his hand because he’s a dumbass and didn’t put a garbage can below it to drop it into like I always do when I destroy company evidence, then he starts jumping around and bashes his knee. It’s not as smooth a move as he was hoping for, I’m guessing.

Now pyromania? Daniel, we don’t have enough time
to deal with this issue in an hour.

“In my defense, it looked a lot cooler in my head,” Daniel says, ice pack on leg and Betty inexplicably wrapping Daniel’s burned hand. I guess it wasn’t Trista making him look dumb after all. Betty said she thought he was cool with it and he says not only is he not cool with it, he’s pissed because she didn’t discuss this with him first. Daniel, I know you got your job because you were family, but for future reference, people rarely discuss other job offers with their current employers.

Why isn’t she tying that around his neck instead?

He says he’s not sure about releasing her from her contract. Dude, it’s not like she’s going to another fashion magazine so it’s not really working for the competition. He says they’ve invested a lot in her and he’s not sure he wants to let her go. Uh, what did you invest in her? Training? Not really – the Y.E.T.I. stuff she did on her own (although with Daniel’s rec)…what other investment besides promoting her?

Willie is packing up at the hospital (what all did she bring with her?) and she’s incensed, asking Marc what did she ever do to Claire? Marc recaps for us…”Stealing sperm from her husband’s corpse.” It was her ex-husband, Marc.

Willie says she was willing to let the whole thing go until “chicken neck” Claire showed up and pissed her off. She says she won’t rest until she gets all of Meade and Marc is like, here we go again.

Willie suggests he not judge her since he was right there with her most of the time. Marc agrees, but he’s in this whole “break the cycle” mode and he drops her suitcase and yells at her. “I thought that if you had everything you wanted, you’d be happy. But you’ll never be happy. There’s always something more.” And he storms out. Good for you, girl.

Amanda is in The Closet stealing because Spencer yelled at her and stealing is what she does when she stressed. Turns out he was in the “Who Wore it Better” column of whichever celebutard rag that is in and reader polls showed that Ellen Degeneres wore some awful suit 82% better than Spencer. Well, she does know how to pull off maitre d’.

Did Marc get a chest X-ray at the hospital?
Because I think it followed him home.

Amanda says, “I never want to see him again,” and Marc blurts out, “He’s your father!” Dun-dun-dunnn. He says he saw the Tweety Bird tattoo and some crackage. Ew!

Daniel tells his mother he doesn’t want her to leave and Claire makes a leap so far it would take the light from far one million years to get to her as she asks Daniel if maybe his distress over Betty’s leaving has nothing to do with her editing skills. Ew! Well, he did almost burn down his office. Claire suggests giving Betty a reason to stay. Preferably not a romantic one, I don’t want to be a hater at the end of the series.

Mom, have you started drinking again?

Betty storms towards Daniel’s office to give him a piece of her mind and he is doing the same. He cuts her off and says, “Betty, I can’t live without you.” Dun-dun-oh brother seriously?

Back at Casa de Indecision, Betty tells her family that Daniel offered her an editor position and more money. Papi says take it. Then Bobby awkwardly blurts out, “We have great news too!” Was Betty’s news great? Was it news or was she asking the family for counsel? Bobby, pick your moments.

Who would have guessed Hilda would be the instigator
of domestic violence in this relationship? Yeah, me too.

“We’re going to get a place in the city!” he says. Don’t you already live in the city? Also, how the HELL can you afford Manhattan, even with the recession? Papi is not pleased but says he thinks that’s great, then excuses himself to do dishes. Hilda is pissed at Bobby then Betty. Is she pregnant already?

Outside, Hilda apologizes to Betty for acting like a bizzitch but says she’s worried about leaving Papi alone. Didn’t you think about this before you got married? And don’t you and Bobby both “work” in Queens? Why add that commute to your day? Stupid is as stupid does, and it’s doing a threesome with Bobby and Hilda right now.

Back at Mode, Suzuki is announcing that Willie is about to come back to the office and make a statement about the shooting. Seems like the police might want that statement first. Also, they will know by the angle of the shot that Willie didn’t shoot herself. They will also know it was someone tall so Claire would be out, even in heels. Honestly, doesn’t anyone on this show watch Law & Order or CSI?

In a twist of fate, a Willie blows a gay off.

Willie begins to make her statement and we see in the background Claire dressed in a cow’s costume, Daniel, and Tyler watching her closely. Marc walks around and catches Willie’s eye. Willie says accidentally shot herself while cleaning her gun. In Claire’s office. At night. With Claire as the only witness.

Got milk, Claire? You clearly have hide.

Tyler puts his hands on Daniel’s shoulders like they are good buds now and the entire Meade/Bastard Hartley family is relieved. Marc is happy. Cycle of evil broken…for now.

Oh, that feels sooo good. Now I can’t decide
between you and Betty!

Claire thanks Willie but thinks she’s going to pay for this someday. Willie tells her unclench. “We’re good,” she says, and she actually sounds like she means it. “Really?” Claire asks. Yep! I’ll be damned. Just like the rest of the recappers on this site!

Seriously, unclench before you curdle something.

Sitting on the steps of Casa de Family in Crisis, Betty asks teenage Justin for advice on what to do. Because confiding in a newly outed gay teenager about your career problems is a really wise move. She says she feels like she’s being selfish and letting everyone down by going to London. “It’s such a risk,” she laments. Oh bite me.

Yes, Betty, it’s ALWAYS about you…

Justin says Betty is all about risk. He reminds her that she was ugly (okay, he doesn’t really say that) and took a job at a fashion magazine and showed up in a Guadalajara poncho on her first day (and walked into plate-glass during the day, haha! Injuries are funny!). “You became a star,” he said. He says it helps him to see her be so brave. Tears all around.

Betty comes into Daniel’s office the next day and Daniel says, “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Yep. He asks for another copy of the document for him to sign and she hands it to him. He signs. It’s done. She’s free. Forty acres and a mule for Betty! By the way, that mule will have to be quarantined for 6 months when she gets to London.

Free at last, free at last, thank Mode almighty
I’m free at last! Now I can read Vogue!

“Are we good?” she asks. He says yes. She tries to have a heartfelt talk with him but he says he has to go to a meeting. He leaves the office. Sad plinky plunky music plays.

Ironically, Halston dusting powder looks just like Halston ashes!

Farewell party for Betty and Halston. Amanda blows Halston’s ashes all over the office. Yum. Betty bumps into Claire and they hug. She asks if Daniel is coming and Claire says she’s not sure. “Losing you is very hard,” she says, “and I don’t think he knows quite why yet,” she smirks. Betty’s like WTF? and Claire continues to live in Fantasyworld.

“I have a theory,” she says, smiling at Betty. Betty’s like no… NO…. NOOOO!. So is everyone watching the show!

Mrs. Meade, have you started drinking again?

Marc and Justin are comparing notes on Troy/Trey/Trevor and Justin’s like, he’s in a rebound relationship. You should totally try to work that out. So Marc walks over, takes T/T/T’s hand and they hug and begin dancing. Cycle broken part deux. Amanda scatters more dog ashes, unfortunately over Spencer.

“I couldn’t miss that pooch’s party,” he says. “I didn’t know you knew Betty,” Amanda says. Ha!

A GOOD stylist would have recommended dandruff shampoo.

Betty calls Daniel and leaves him a sad, squeaky-voiced message. She says she hopes she gets to see him before she leaves. Wah-wahh. Then Willie scares the hell out of her by being right behind her and reminding her she works for TWO editors-in-chief. Really? That makes for an awkward review.

Willie says Betty never asked her permission to leave. “Permission granted,” she says. She says Betty spent four years of her life working her way up the Mode ladder and now she’s throwing it all away. Well, those rungs ARE pretty close together.

“You’ve got big balls, Betty Suarez,” Willie says. Wait, Betty’s a man?!?!?! Is that why she always had a mustache and a hint of an Adam’s apple? “That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Betty said. Willie holds up her wine glass to toast Betty.

Here’s to not seeing your mismatched ass every morning.

Amanda and Spencer have a heart to heart and he says he knows she’s his daughter. He says he slept with Fey because he thought she was Andy Warhol, which ew. He said he tracked her down through an agency and selected her as his stylist because he wanted to get to know her. Awww. They have a nice moment and that chapter is closed! But wait…didn’t Marc tell Spencer he was her dad – or was it not news? Oh, it’s the last episode, let’s let it go.

Betty comes up behind Marc and bear-hugs him. She says she’ll miss him and he’ll miss her. He tries to fight it, but you know he will.

Cue the tears!

Another nice moment, and then they are joined by Amanda and they begin dancing. They are a cute group.

I love the three Mode-keteers.

Daniel looks at Betty through the glass doors but she doesn’t see him. His mother asks if he’s going to talk to Betty. He says, “I think I need to let her go.” Well, yes, but you can still wish her well and say goodbye. Dumbass.

I really could use some yak butter tea!

Sometime later, Daniel is at the office looking through all the editors-in-chief of Mode – apparently they have some kind of yearbook. He sees himself with Willie as co-editor, then he shows up in Willie’s office and hands her the book. “Go to the marked tabs,” he says.

She flips to the Daniel/Willie page, then turns the page to see she is the sole editor listed. Daniel says he’s stepping down. He got the job because it was handed to him (and how!) but she earned it. OH MY GOD, do you know how much trouble you could have saved over the last four years if you had just done that IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Twenty bucks she writes “Wilhelmina Owens” with a heart on the blank page.

Willie says she’s completely surprised, especially since Claire agreed to it. She asks what he’s going to do and he says he’s going to start over. Willie smiles – she finally got what she wanted! All with Daniel taking the chute back to the bottom of the ladder.

At Casa de Farewell there is a nice barbeque going on. Papi says when he and Betty’s mother came to America, they were scared shitless but it was the best move they ever made. He thinks this move to London will be the same for Betty and he’s proud of her.

He moves to Hilda and she says they are moving to Manhattan and there is space for him to go with them. Papi says he wants to live alone because he’s tired of sharing a bathroom with the other three (and lately Bobby?). He’s happy for his kids and he wants them out like most parents do. He must be moving Elena in! They toast themselves.

Papi, I don’t think you are supposed to mix the Just for Men colors…
or did Hilda do your haircolor? That would make more sense.

Back at the office, Marc congratulates Willie and says he can put them anywhere – “You always seem to know what’s right.” She says now that Mode is hers, she’s going to be doing some housecleaning. “Getting rid of the fat,” she says. “But Betty already left,” Marc says and they both laugh and laugh.

She tells Marc she’s going to need to lean on Marc more creatively, if he’s up to it. He’s thrilled. “But no more schemes, right?” he asks. She says there is just one more…

She’s at prison with Connor and tells him she got him a new cellmate. If he can get a confession from this guy, they would be willing to reduce his sentence dramatically. Looks like Connor’s getting our early! And he’ll probably be killed for being a snitch, but let’s pretend that isn’t going to happen.

Betty’s getting ready to take a late-night flight to London. Justin switches out her glasses and gives her much better ones – now you can see her face! The town car starts and she cries as she hugs everyone. Tears all around! Bobby calls her chipmunk again and Papi gives her a packed lunch. Jesus, hope it doesn’t have flan! The TSA will bust a cap in her ass.

Cue the waterworks! Where are the tissues?
Recappers aren’t made of stone, you know!

She gets in the car and cries and waves and blows kisses and she’s gone. And I was completely sure Daniel was going to be driving the car. We see her reflection in the rear view window and it flashes back to our original Ugly Betty when she was first starting out then back to new and improved Betty. She’s all grown up.

Awwww…AAAACCCCCKKKKKK….awwww….
God, that seems like a long time ago, doesn’t it?

LONDON BABY! That town has a great soundtrack! We see Betty walking all over town, having meetings with people, jumping in and out of taxis, looking very chic. Good for you Betty! And where in London do you live that it is ALWAYS sunny?

Looks like the production company may have
actually splurged for the trip this time.

She’s walking across Trafalgar Square and bumps right into Daniel!

Holy shit, you look like you’ve been staying
at the local youth hostel, Daniel.

They end up on some steps talking and he tells her his decision. He said he knows he didn’t say goodbye…”So, goodbye, and good luck, and have a safe flight.” She says, “Thanks, I’ll call you when I get there.” They both laugh. Luckily, the writers kept the ick factor to little to none, thank God.

Everyone is smiles! So it’s all good!

He tells her he’s going to stay around London awhile and would like to take her to dinner that evening if she’s free. She says yes. She has to get back to work so they hug and she says she’s glad he’s here. “If you want something to do,” she says, “I am looking for a new assistant.” He says maybe he’ll submit his resume.

She walks off smiling, he smiles after her, music with the words “There is beauty in the world” plays, and Betty takes a quick look back at Daniel.

The title Ugly Betty comes onscreen in red, then fades to just Betty and I’m not going to lie, I cried my eyes out. The show is over and although we had some tough time (that nasty season with nasty Matt), I’m really going to miss these characters and this whole show. I thought they did a great job with the final show – not dragging it out, not making it like the soul-sucking end of some shows…it ended very positively and on a high note. I’ll take it!