Ugly Betty: Sex, Sex, and More Sex Plus Something Really Icky!

As we open this episode of Ugly Betty, Matt is walking Betty home from the subway, which HELLO Richie Rich, don’t you have a town car that could drive you two to Queens? Matt tells Betty he has something pretty serious to say to her and he’s not sure how to put it. Is he going to use the L-word! Say it ain’t so. Betty tells him to just take a deep breath and say it.

Oh no! Look what happened to our Flonase bee!

“Rimaldi’s pizza is just slightly superior to Lombardi’s, you win,” he says. Geeks! “Never challenge me when it comes to pizza,” Betty says and given her girth, I would say that is sage advice. She demands a dollar, I hope for the bet. But instead he puts a box in her hands. It’s a bumble bee hair clip – get it? A bee? B? For Betty. So thoughtful, although it does freak me out that the wings are moving.

“I wanted to give you something for our monthaversary,” he says. Oh, ick. She tells him he doesn’t always have to bring her back to Queens and he says, “Well, that’s where my queen lives.” Dear God, these two are so nerdy they are perfect together. Add in a Star Wars convention and boom! Magic.

Papi can you hear me?

Suddenly Papi comes bursting through the front door, smashing into Betty and Matt because apparently Papi has gone Tommy on us and is deaf, dumb, and blind. He apologizes and says he was on the way to the neighbors’ house to see if he could borrow their cooler for his camping trip. He’s taking Justin camping with Elena and her nephews who I have no doubt will be kicking Justin’s ass by the end of the trip.

Coming in the back door is Hilda with Councilman. “You don’t have to walk me all the way in,” she says, and he says he doesn’t mind. What I think he’s missing is that SHE minds. He tells her he had fun, then goes in for a kiss and misses, then Papi comes crashing in and hits the two of them with the back door. It just ain’t Papi’s night. Councilman leaves and you can tell Hilda is bored out of her gourd.

So boring my face got stuck like this!

Betty walks in and asks how her date was and Hilda rolls her eyes. Tsk, tsk. Justin comes in and is pissed that he has to go camping, and it turns out Elena’s nephews planned this with Justin in mind. He says, “Only if it involves mud-baths and ginger facials.” Enjoy your ass-kicking.

We cut over to Wilhelmina in bed watching TV. She hears someone singing You Are My Sunshine and she thinks it’s Connor. She walks into the living room and he’s there holding baby William. Suddenly she wakes up and is in her room alone with the baby cooing in his bed. Has she even held that kid since he came home?

Back at Mode, Willie can barely keep her head up in a meeting but damn, she looks good in the fuscia off-the shoulder dress and large earrings. Daniel is telling everyone that to make sure their first-ever “sex issue” of Mode is the best ever and that they need to keep their advertisers and get new ones. He needs them to make sure their numbers on this issue rock his world! Willie’s head drops from drowsiness. Must be one hot sex issue!

Even I can’t stay awake to hear about Betty’s sex life!

Betty suggests tying in the issue with articles on ModeNY.com. Daniel loves it! Amanda smacks Betty on the ass like a burro. Wilhelmina yawns loudly, saying she had a late night. The troops head out to make it happen, as if.

This is how I look in most of my meetings…is that wrong?

Marc enters Willie’s office talking some nonsense about the Olsen twins and Willie just stares out the window, motionless. Marc waves his hand in front of her and in wonderful Marc fashion goes screaming through her office, “Oh my God, she’s DEAD! SHE’S DEAD!” The funny thing is he sounds both horrified and relieved.

She’s melting! MELTING!
Who will command the flying monkeys now?

“Stop your shrieking, Marc! I was just taking a nap,” she says. She tells him she hasn’t slept well in weeks and Marc thinks it’s because her desk is a mess. As he cleans he sees a picture of Connor on her desk. He says maybe something else is on her mind and she says,” Yes, getting a good night’s sleep, and I can’t take a sleeping pill because of that damn baby.” Ah, there’s the maternal instinct I was looking for in Willie. She wants Marc to hire a night nanny. He starts asking her if she has other “night needs that aren’t being met,” but she’s gone back into nap mode.

Amanda and Betty are talking about what they are going to write for ModeNY.com, and Amanda suggests they write about their sex lives. That’s when Betty lets it slip that she and Matt haven’t done the nasty or in their case, the fumble. Amanda’s like you’ve been dating for a month, he’s a billionaire, and he’s totally into you…what the hell are you waiting for? I’m going to have to give everyone a doyeee on this one too. It’s scary to agree with Amanda.

Forget the lip gloss, she’s wearing her sex coat!

Back in Queens, Betty is taking out the garbage and Hilda asks her if she’s wearing lip gloss. In Betty’s world, that’s code for “I’m getting laid tonight.” When I wear gloss it’s because I left most of it on my coffee cup. Betty and I lead very different lives. Betty tells Hilda she’s hoping tonight is the night.

They come around the corner and Papi is packing up the car for their camping trip and Justin is still bitching and moaning about the lack of electricity and how he can’t take his hot iron or something. They will be up early so will either girl be joining them for breakfast? Hilda says she’s going out with Archie so she should be home in bed by 9pm (I’m assuming alone) and Betty, well, Betty has an awkward situation where she and Hilda tell Papi that Betty won’t be home tonight because she’s getting lucky with Matt. Next time? Tell him you are staying with Amanda overnight. That’s how you are supposed to do it.

Over at Molly’s dorm room, she’s decided she’d like to be involved with a poetry slam. Are you dying or trying to kill us? A poetry slam? Then Daniel admits that he was in a rock band when he was in high school and he thought he was great. Unfortunately, he sucked and was laughed off the stage. Wow, well worth the video this scene was shot on.

Uh, mom, can I have some money for the mall?

Betty is out with Matt and they are joking about her singing, and for good reason. They stop in front of his building and kiss, and he says he’ll get her a cab. She says maybe she should stay and see his new paint job. He laughs, grabs a taxi, shoves her in it, says bye and she’s off, completely confused. The cab driver laughs and says, “That guy couldn’t get rid of you fast enough!” Enjoy your lack of tip, jerk!

See ya, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!

Back at Casa de Date Night Sucks, Hilda is on the phone saying goodnight to Councilman, hangs up, then complains about him for calling an hour after he dropped her off from their date. He really does sound like a dud, plus he’s kind of boring, don’t you think? Nice, but just sort of not a great storyteller, you know? As an aside, they are doing a good job hiding her pregnancy with that cute shirt. Hilda says she thinks Archie is too into her with the calling and hand-holding and so on. Betty tears her a new one.

“Excuse me, what is your problem?” Betty’s like why don’t you break up with him if you can’t stand him. Then it finally occurs to Hilda that Betty is home early on sex night. As Betty is slamming a huge pickle down her gullet (what shrinks would call transference), she tells Hilda what happened. Who grips a pickle like that, they are usually so drippy? No wonder Matt shoved you in a cab! Self-preservation.

Pickles and OJ? What a smellicious combo, Betty.

In Daniel’s office, Betty is all excited about Molly’s poetry slam. They should invite Councilman! ZZZZZZ. Betty says she can’t wait to hear Molly’s poem and Daniel just happens to have a copy of it. Betty reads it and is like, holy majoly, it’s about your sex life with Molly. Daniel thought it was about the ocean. Then he freaks out about her reading it in front of everyone he invited – including all of Mode. He shouldn’t worry about the magazine employees showing up since everyone is probably working a second job just in case.

Uh, Daniel, a haiku is 5/7/5 syllables, not pages!

Later that evening, Betty is back at her old apartment with Amanda for her “sexification.” Yikes. Amanda says something that is sort of poetic and coolly insightful, “I miss the we I was with us.” Heh. Marc comes out of nowhere and complains that sexifying Betty is impossible with the 2-hour deadline. Can’t argue there. “Where do we even begin? Look at her!” They start mocking her by waving lasers over her body.

They spend the evening teaching her how to smell good, eat seductively, suck on a straw with pursed lips, and tickle him with a feather. Wouldn’t it be better to do her hair and makeup? Put on a push-up bra? It’s less creepy. Amanda suggests losing the braces and Marc the glasses. Ding! I’m sorry, those have to stay. Then Amanda hands her a ladle. “What’s this for?” Betty asks. “When it happens, you’ll know.” What the hell is she planning to cook? They wish her luck and kids, she’s going to need a lot of it!

SCHEXY!

Back at Willie’s that night, she wakes to hear something growling. Grabbing a baseball bat from under the bed, she walks out into the living room and says, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” The guy turns around and holds up his hand…with a pacifier in it. Guess it’s the new and HOTT night nanny. Seems like Marc may have wanted to mention a guy Willie didn’t know would be in her house overnight.

That nuck-nuck is not the oral gratification Willie is looking for.

Turns out Night Manny James was reading William that three-bears story and he got a little worked up. Speaking of worked up, Willie cannot take her eyes off Manny’s sweet, sweet ass.

Hilda is at a restaurant with Councilman and even when he tells her a dish at the restaurant is “killer,” he sounds boring. Hilda is bored. But she looks great. He says, “Don’t move. You look really pretty in that light.” She moves. Hilda starts to tell him she doesn’t think it’s going to work out when cheesy cheap blonde shows up.

“Archie?” she says, and he makes a face like “oh crap.” He introduces Hilda to “Felissa” (Felissa?) and says they used to be neighbors. “We used to be more than that,” she says between gum snaps. “Biggest mistake I ever made was letting him slip through my fingers,” she says. Hilda is intrigued and suddenly finds Councilman hot. She’s one of those women.

This guy has NO taste.

Back at the dorm, Daniel tells Molly he made a few edits on her poem and when he hands it to her it’s covered in red ink like he’s become Mrs. Krabappel and she’s Bart Simpson. Who the hell does he think he is, editing a dying woman’s poems? He says he thought the poem was too intimate and doesn’t want her to read it in front of his coworkers. He could have said that without bleeding all over the poem, damn! What I don’t understand is how Molly completely defers to him on this. She and Councilman should date – better match, I think.

She’s dying, not defending her thesis. Give it a rest.

Back at the restaurant, Felissa is sitting at their table and Councilman is like, our food is here, could you take off please? She says to Councilman, “Call me, sugar.” Unless it was “Call me Sugar,” I do feel a little sick with her around. Hilda says she’s quite the talker, then takes Councilman’s hand and says, “Hello, we’re on a date here.” Hilda, Hilda, Hilda.

Over at Amanda and Marc’s apartment that Betty is going to use for some hot lovin’ tonight, we see a candle burning next to that purple feather and hear the iPod playing some soft music. This is going to go so wrong, so fast, I can just tell, like when a thunderstorm is coming and the dogs panic because it might be the one that gets them.

Matt walks in and says the place is really cool and he understands why she was so bummed to leave it. He says they need to hurry if they are going to make the movie but instead Betty has other ideas. She opens the curtain and is standing there in a “sexy” outfit with her hair off to the side, a scarf tied around her neck, and says, “What’s your hurry, soldier?” and winks. She looks like a 12 year old trying to act sexy and I actually screamed “EW-EW-EW” so loudly my dogs jumped off the sofa. Betty trying to look sexy? Icky. So, very, icky.

Pedophiles everywhere are cured!

“Wow, you look great, but the movie starts in like 20 minutes,” he says. Oh, man, you know Gio would know how to get down to business. “You should probably get dressed.” Betty takes her hair down and flips it around like she’s a completely different human being. It hits Matt in the face as she suggests that they skip the movie and stay in tonight. She made Mojitos and sucks on the straw so obviously it’s shocking other guys didn’t just happen to stop by her door.

Matt’s not really a “Mojito kind of guy.” Is that code for something? She comes up to him and suggests he just get comfortable, and again, this is so icky. He trips back in a chair and Betty lands on top of him. He finds the feather and Betty tickles his face with it. I would be so creeped out by this if I were a guy. Instead, he sneezes. Hottttt! “Let’s just go to the movie,” he begs. “Or, we could stay here and be together,” she says, taking off her glasses. Not the same effect as when Clark Kent does it, I’m sorry to say. She leans in to kiss him.

Matt, why do you keep saying “Stranger Danger!”

Grabbing her shoulders he pushes her off of him and says, “I can’t do this.” and he walks to the door. Betty asks where he is going and he turns and says, “I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me.” Which means it’s totally you, Betty. You probably just creeped him out much like you did the rest of America tonight. She looks shocked and hurt and he leaves.

Back over at Casa de Quick Sex, we follow a trail of clothing that leads into Hilda’s salon where we find Hilda and Councilman doing it in a salon chair! Oh my God I hope she has Clorox wipes! “That was hot,” Hilda says, “I did not expect that to happen.” Councilman says he didn’t think so either and that he though Hilda was going to break up with him. Rut-roh.

Are those seats vinyl? Get the hose!

Hilda laughs and says, “I totally was!” Whoops. He’s confused. “If Felissa hadn’t stopped by and interrupted me, it would have gone differently.” Councilman is pissed because clearly Hilda wasn’t interested until she saw someone else wanted him. That is kind of effed up. But she has big boobs so he should probably cut her some slack on this one.

Hilda does fess up that yes, it took Felissa stopping by to get her all hot and bothered, and for a split second I wondered if Councilman set that up. Councilman wonders if he has to get Felissa to stop by every time he wants Hilda in the mood and I’m wondering if he’s suggesting a threesome? She suggests he get a little tattoo on his butt. He says, “I’m going to go,” and he takes off. What is most awesome is that he runs out of the Suarez house putting his clothes on, pretty good idea when you are a public figure in the neighborhood. Vote Councilman Archie, he gets it on!

Back at Mode the next day, Willie is pissed that Marc hired Manny without her approval. Marc says he’s a model and he’s done diaper commercials, what more do you need to know? Then he fesses up that he thought Manny Poppins would help Willie get her groove back. She says her groove is fine and Marc says, “Willie, I keep your appointments, and I haven’t scheduled you for one of your weekly…car washes…since before Connor.” I bet Connor really knew how to buff her rims.

Willie says that is ridiculous to think that Manny could wash her car. Marc says, “He is totally hot! He looks like Taye Diggs!” to which Wilhelmina snaps, “What is it with white people and Taye Diggs?” Haha! We find him less threatening than Seal? Marc says he’ll call another nanny but Willie says forget it, he already knows the layout of the apartment. He can stay. Uh-huh. Then she has Marc book her for a Brazilian. Unrelated. Uh-huh.

This is what’s with white people and Taye Diggs.

Exactly!

Betty tells Marc and Amanda that the Sexification of Betty was the worst story ever told and she wants her money back. They tell her she must have done something wrong, and I’m thinking they are winning more than Rice-a-Roni on this game show. She tells them the whole night was a disaster – she threw herself at him and he ran away. Marc’s assessment? MATT IS GAY! “Or a virgin!” Amanda says. “Or a woman!” Marc says. “That feels right,” Amanda says. I’m going to go with virgin.

Betty says she wanted to talk to him about it but he’s working through lunch. Amanda challenges her to go over and talk to him and Betty says fine, she’ll do it. Marc and Amanda decide to join her so she can buy them lunch first.

Outside of Matt’s building Betty tries to decide what to say to him. “You’d better think fast,” Amanda says, “Richie Rich just left the building!” D’oh! They decide to maturely follow him to see where he goes. All over town judging by the musical montage we see. Too bad Matt’s peripheral vision doesn’t work, otherwise he’d see these three doofs across the street.

Matt waves to a someone then we see him hug a blonde woman. “He’s totally two-timing you!” Amanda says. Poor Betty. Hard to believe that mailbox hides you that well.

Air kiss!

“Let’s get this show on the road,” Marc says, “I’m starving.” He shoves Betty out from behind the mailboxes, she screams, and Matt sees her. She tries to hide – behind her hand – and he says, “Betty, what are you doing here?” Behind Betty we see Matt and Amanda walking by pointing to the buildings as though they don’t know her. J’adore them both.

Betty, where did you go? Invisibility cloak?

Betty walks over and says she’s still confused about last night and then says, “If you’re with her, that’s fine. Well, it’s not fine…oh God, I wish I wasn’t here right now.” Then you should have left with Marc and Amanda, I would have!

Then the blonde lady looks at her I begin to wonder if Matt’s into cougars because she ain’t so young. She looks like an adult. “I’m Helen,” she says to Betty. “My therapist,” Matt says. Oh crap. Oh crap crap crap! He’s Nutty McNutterson and I bet he was at the same hospital as Willie’s sister. They probably set things on fire together, this time it just happened to be Betty’s naughty bits. “Why don’t you join us?” Helen says. That’s presumptious. Will she have to go Dutch on this appointment?

Couples counseling is really a sucky date, Matt,
especially on your monthaversary.

In Helen’s office, Matt says, “Betty, I’m sorry I said I had to work through lunch, I just needed to see Helen.” Betty says she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say. Helen says, “You can say anything you want to say or not say, or you don’t have to say anything, which is a great movie but a bit of a sleeper when it first came out, now an anthem for our times.” She must be of great help to Matt. And she didn’t really say the last part about the movie, that’s poetic license without the poetic.

Betty tells Matt she’s sorry about last night and that she was trying to push him into doing something he didn’t want to do. He says that’s not it at all. She says, “Tell me if you’re not attracted to me of if you just want to stay friends.” Unlike the rest of Manhattan who totally wants to bed her in every episode. He says, “I am attracted to you,” and his looks says he’d ravage her right now if Helen wasn’t there, and even that isn’t really stopping him. So what is? Oh, Gasmii, this is going to be soooo bad, I can feel it. He looks at Helen and she nods.

“This is so embarrassing,” he says. He’s a hermaphrodite? No worries, I think Betty is too! Likes to wear women’s underwear? Betty would loan them out! He really hates sports? Join the club! “Why?” Betty asks. “Are you a virgin? It’s okay, I don’t really have the much experience either.”

“Oh, no, I’ve been with women,” Matt says, sort of creepily. “Kind of…a lot…of women,” he says. Like Don Juan DeMarco a lot? “I mean, really a lot.” Betty says, “Wow,” and looks over at Helen who nods and smiles…because why now? Matt tells her he’s been kind of lonely his whole life which is surprising given how warm and cozy his mother and her house are. Ahem.

See, Matt takes “Little Matt” like this and connects him to women.
Would you like me to draw it using Visio?

Helen rudely interrupts and tells Betty that Matt has used sex as a way to connect with people. Oh, Helen, come on, who hasn’t? Especially on quarter beer night! Matt says he made a contract with Helen that he wouldn’t be with someone unless he really connected with them first. Okay, the lie you should have told Betty when this all began is that you wanted to build your relationship with her first, then have sex because you wanted to have a more solid, mature, and enduring relationship with Betty than you had with other women previously. See? Any chick would totally buy that!

He tells her he has all these feelings for her and when the sex thing came up, he panicked. You never want to hear that from a heterosexual man. And? He and Daniel lead very different lives. Helen asks him how he feels now that he told Betty. “I feel calm,” he says. “I’m so glad it’s out in the open,” much like a cold sore. Helen asks Betty how she feels. “Great. I feel…”

“…strange,” Betty finishes her sentence on the elevator with Daniel. Daniel’s all like high-five, what a dog! “Not really helping, am I?” Daniel asks. No, dumbass, you’re not. Betty tells him the car is coming to take him to the poetry slam and she’s excited to hear her poem. Daniel tells Betty he asked her to change her poem because he doesn’t want his sex life on display for everyone to see. “Your sex life has been on display for years,” she reminds him. Point: Betty. She calls him an ass. Double point: Betty.

Back at Casa Eat Crow, Hilda’s telling Betty that she and Councilman worked it all out. Betty can’t believe Hilda apologized to the Councilman. I can’t believe Hilda is trying to fix Betty’s hair. Betty asks if they can skip the sex talk tonight. Betty says after what happened, she feels like, “One of hundreds. I don’t feel very special.” You know, I’d probably have to bow out too, this is just a lot of baggage and not just the “I hate my parents” kind.

The doorbell rings and it’s Felissa. She came to tell Hilda to back off of Councilman because she wants him back. Hilda all like yah-huh, good one. Felissa says, “I’m sorry but Archie loves him some vanilla ice cream,” and she motions to herself. Not to be outdone, Hilda says, “I don’t think he’s going back to vanilla when he’s tasted hot, melted caramel surprise.” I could really go for some Baskin Robbins right about now.

No matter what happens, Betty will not look better or worse.

“What’s the surprise?” Felissa asks. “Your fat ass?” That’s no surprise, it’s right out there. Hilda is ready to fight over one boring guy. Felissa pours something onto an afro wig (?) and Hilda grabs the clipper and goes after her. Betty tries to break them up when Councilman walks in and sees all sorts of women fighting over him. You know he thinks that’s hot.

Back at Wilhelmina’s house, it’s night and she’s trying to sex it up with the Manny. She asks if she can light the fire and suddenly Steely Dan is playing in the background. That’s not Brown Cow, is it? Oy. She tells Manny he has baby spit up on his shirt, he should really take it off so she can wash it. Like she even knows where the washing machine is.

I gots to get me some Taye Diggs! Thank you, whitey!

At the poetry slam, Matt tells Betty he’s glad they could talk with Helen today. “It was weird,” he admits, but good. For him! Matt sees a girl across the room and waves. Betty’s all up in his business as subtly as she can be, asking, “Who’s that?” Matt says she’s a girl he knows from the coffee shop near his apartment, and swears that’s the only place he knows her from. Or can remember. Betty slams her martini.

Betty, I didn’t sleep with every person in here.
Just the women!

Wilhelmina yells to Manny that his shirt is in the washer and will be ready for him soon. She comes back into the living room and Manny is singing You Are My Sunshine to the baby like Connor did. Willie, in a moment of weakness, breaks down crying. She throws herself on the sofa and cries. So sad!

DRAAAMA! Or as it’s called in my house, Monday morning.

At the poetry reading, some guy is talking about his “insecurity blanket.” Bet he sees the same shrink Matt does. Daniel comes up to Molly, apologizes for being an ass (which time?) and tells her she should read the sex poem. You know, if I were dying I sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with bullshit relationship problems like this. Ugh!

Back at Willie’s, she’s in Manny’s arms saying how she never should have let Connor in because now he’s all in his dreams. He should really get out of her dreams and into her car! Manny holds her and talk about some hot, melted caramel surprise! Willie says what she needs is sex. Manny says he doesn’t think she needs sex and she says, “Oh just take your pants off!” Like this guy is going to say no.

But Manny says he thinks she doesn’t need sex, but instead to work things out so she can close the door on “this Connor guy and focus on your baby,” he says. She thanks him and says he really helped her. “And since now we won’t be having sex, you’re fired,” she says. Lawsuit! “Get out!” Nice.

You don’t want me? You’re gay. Get out.
Or pull my finger, then get out.

Molly finishes her poem and luckily all we have to hear of it is the applause. Phew! Molly runs offstage and past Matt and Betty, and the waitress comes over to give Matt the bill. She leans over and whispers something to him, and Betty hallucinates seeing the girl in a white t-shirt with number 108 on it. She looks around the room and all the women have white t-shirts with numbers on them. Come on, Betty, lots of the girls he slept with were probably at Yale and in Rome, not just New York. He’s an international man of mystery sex.

You know, if you put them together,
you’d have the square root of a Matt sandwich!

Betty stands up, grabs her stuff and says she’s going to stay goodbye to Daniel. If she’s smart she will run, run, run all the way home and call Gio. I’m sure he has his own baggage but is smart enough to keep his number on the down-low.

At Casa Catfight, Councilman isn’t sure what the hell is going on. Thank God he works in government where it won’t matter. Hilda says she didn’t think he was her type but he is. He says he has a type, too. “I think I sort of go for the bad girls,” he says. And the dumb ones if tonight is any indication. Hilda laughs. “You think I’m a bad girl? You loved it…two girls going at it over you…”

Kiss me! I can’t do my Howard the Duck imitation forever!

“It was really hot!” he admits. They decide to give it another try and he says, “I’m not always such a nice guy.” ZZZZZZZ. They go to kiss and Papi walks in on them. “Oh my God,” Papi says, “I’m going to start wearing a bell.” Why, did you get your wings? Oh, Papi.

Matt and Betty are walking down the street and Betty’s like, “I’m going to get a cab.” Matt asks is she wants to come up and see his new wall color. The only thing Betty should be seeing is your negative AIDS test as your wall color is the least of her worries right now. Betty’s like, yeah. Guess when you call her one in a million it’s true and she doesn’t really care for that.

“You’re freaked out,” he says. NO SHIT! Wouldn’t you be? Matt, the woman slept with Walter, do you see what we are dealing with here? “I want it to be special and right now, I feel like a number,” she says. Way to steal off of Bob Seger! “You are,” Matt says, “number one.” Oh blech! Even Betty’s like dude, get me the insulin.

“Betty, this would be the first time I’ve been with a woman I really care about,” he says, using that line for the 156th time. “Technically, you are my first.” Betty, don’t fall for it! He may have cooties! “Aww,” she says. “That’s so corny.” Phew! Now grab a cab, go home, and call Gio!

Matt says he’s nervous and his hands are shaking. Maybe it’s because the syph has hit your nervous system? “So are mine,” Betty says, taking his hands. Don’t do it Betty! I know I liked him but you should probably shift down to first gear for a little while, or until he stops sending girls to the free clinic. He puts his arm around her and they continue to walk.

OH MY GOD! Are those 1970s wicker tables?

At the dorm, Molly comes out of her bathroom and Daniel is sitting on a chair, wearing sunglasses, playing his guitar. The song is totally cheesy but he gets points for cuteness. We see Willie turn over in bed – she’s finally sleeping.

Methinks someone stopped by the carwash today!

Over at Casa Boredom, Hilda and Councilman are eating popcorn and canoodling. Betty and Matt run up to his apartment doors, she goes to take off, and he grabs her and they go inside. Trojans are your friend, Betty, use a lot of them at once!

No matter what he says, Betty, those aren’t bedbugs!

Next week? Mode’s furniture is being repossessed by IKEA and “double baby mama drama,” a photographer says Willie’s baby really looks like Christina. I think I called that last season, didn’t I? I bet the baby is really Christina and Stewart’s…it has no trace of delicious Willie mocha in his skin. And? Betty gets a proposition she can’t refuse…the pharmacist giving her antibiotics for a raging rash of cooties? We’ll see!