Ugly Betty: SEX! SEX! HOT ISLAND SEX! What else do you need?

I’m not sure what’s worse, seeing Ugly Betty in a bathing suit or faking us out with a sepia-toned opening in a 1920s unitard once known as a “bathing suit.” Really, it’s a toss-up. Betty is pitching an idea about a feature on the first woman to wear a bathing suit with accompanying photos of swimsuits throughout the years. You know, I don’t hate it.

For a split second, I thought I was watching The Hills.

What makes it interesting is the money she must have spent on the huge posters pitching her idea (so not cost-effective) and how she was able to get the original suit…once again, just to pitch the idea? That seems like a lot of visuals for a 2-minute pitch.

Unitards or ‘tards? Hard to tell at this company.

Daniel says unitards don’t scream sexy as much as they scream 1970s magician (you lay off Doug Henning!). Willie tells him that’s the first smart thing he said since “half the staff had to rescue you from a cult.” Actually, it was only 3 staffers plus his mommy. Also, shouldn’t that situation be covered under HIPAA? Willie tells Betty she can write the feature, but no photos. Of Betty? The swimsuit? Daniel’s cult scars?

Willie tells everyone that the fashion shoot is in the Bahamas so “essential employees only.” Meaning you know Amanda is going even if you hadn’t seen the previews. Willie tells everyone that Baby Hartley is drawing up the list of names so stop sending her tacky flowers and “do your sucking up to him.” I adore her.

Matt tells everyone that he’s fine with tacky flowers (figures) or cupcakes and basically that he can be bought. No kidding. Willie is NOT amused. Willie reminds them it is her last shoot and that as always, “People will die at my hands if things are not perfect.” Now exchange “people” with “the management team” and “things” with “my budget” and “perfect” with “adequate” and you have my past week fantasy.

Turns out Willie is after the Editor job at Isabella magazine which I immediately mistook for Mirabella which was a fav of mine when I was a teen trying to act like an adult. I was worried Willie was applying for a job at a magazine that folded circa 2000. The job is between Willie and Penelope Graybridge, which sounds like someone with a stick up her butt, so you know she’s probably fab.

Marc says, “I’ve heard of her. She’s beautiful and unstoppable.” Willie sneers. “And she’s a junkie.” Will she be on Intervention soon? Willie is trying to get her picture on a “They lost me to meth” billboards, but no such luck. This job is her Obi-Wan – her last hope.

Back in Matt’s office a-go-go, turns out people took him seriously on the bribery. Well, it is a fashion magazine, they probably have lots of good swag here and there. One of the items is Betty’s stapler which she whines about (it’s not a red Swingline for Christ’s sake, calm down). Matt’s like “Sucka!” then Betty offers him a bucket-o-goods for the beach. She’s not bribing him, she wants to thank him for being such a good friend in helping Daniel. The key word being “friend.” Although if he were really a friend, he’d tell her to stop wearing dark hose with colored shoes. STOP THE INSANITY!

So…your TV stand is…another TV?

Back at Casa de No Hair Appointments, Hilda is ironing and watching TV. Just like a good housewife, except that it’s not her house and she’s not a wife. Hilda hears Justin come in and she tells him to get into the living room because they are just about to give the remodeled house away on Home Edition: Ty is Drunk Again!. She turns to see both Justin and super-hottie Bobby aka Adam Rodriguez who I have to tell you, is growing on me. In fact, he could be on me at ANY TIME.

Bobby says he drove Justin home because of the mean high school kids and Hilda says she always knew there “was a big softie under there” as she touches his bicep over and over and over and over again. Ain’t so soft. I bet Councilman Karate Kid is totally mushy like rising dough. Hilda is totally ga-ga and who can blame her? She’s been dating a Taurus when she really can have a Maserati! Vroom! Vroom!

Is that a boa constrictor under there
or are you just glad to see me?
Please be glad to see me.

I’ve said too much. Also, is it bad that I just went on Maserati’s site and configured a $140,000 car? That had better be a stick shift. I may be a girl but I don’t drive like one!

Back at the office, Matt is reading the card that Betty gave him and it reads, “You’re a good friend.” In the handwriting of a 4th grader. Good one, Betty. Amanda walks in to give Matt post-its in his favorite colors, and asks where Betty’s stapler is.

Between Betty’s card and Amanda’s hotness, Matt folds like a cheap chair and asks Amanda to come with them to the Bahamas, then makes her associate stylist or something. Amanda asks him if it is just a work thing because he’s sending her mixed signals. He says that it’s hard for him to think about the two of them “with other people around.” He thought this would be a good way to get away from “other people.”

“I totally agree,” Amanda says, pauses, then blurts, “We’re talking about Betty, right? Nothing gets past her blonde head.

Betty gets an email about who is going to the Bahamas and she reads through the list. She sees Amanda’s name and title for the shoot and makes a grouchy face. “Amanda’s going to the Bahamas,” Betty says, suddenly standing next to Marc at the elevator. “I wonder what she’s going to do there?” I think you mean WHO is she going to do.

Marc, we need to talk about
that Mad Max condom you have there.

Marc is staring into the air as Betty continues talking and finally asks her if she didn’t notice the way he hunched his shoulders and averted his eyes when she approached. “Learn how to recognize social cues,” he says. The elevator doors open and Matt is standing there feeding Amanda a croissant or something. They both turn and say, “BETTY!” together. Smooth. Amanda says they were just getting coffee, “Co-worker coffee, not I want to sleep with you coffee,” she finishes. Subtlety, thy name is Amanda.

Betty gets on the elevator with Marc and he keeps trying not to talk to her. Betty threatens to chase him from the elevator and through the streets until he tells her. He says he will tell her one thing. “Amanda has wanted to tap Matt for awhile. And they went on a date recently. And they’re probably going to hook up in the Bahamas. Look at that, I told you everything!” And how!

Back at Casa de Lotta prints, Betty is bitching about Amanda breaking the code of former roommates, yadda yadda. Justin says clearly Betty’s not over Matt and Hilda suggests she get down to the Bahamas, yank Amanda’s hair and take back her man. Always with the physical, that one.

Hilda says she wishes she could go to the Bahamas with Archie to “get the juices flowing.” I’m with Justin on the face, here. Ick. I really don’t want to hear about Councilman Boring’s juices. Betty says she can get them the Mode rate if they are interested; they’re going to the Cove Atlantis. Even with the Mode rate, that is going to be pricey.

Justin gasps and says Betty has to go because Shakira is going to be there. “She goes under the name Sydney Lumpkin and I need you to get this signed.” He pulls out a photo album where he has Photoshopped himself into pictures with Shakira, much like I do with George Clooney.

Oh sure Justin’s straight. My ASS!

Back at Mode the next day, Daniel is worried that everyone is pointing and whispering at him. Betty says they’ll stop “once it grows back out.” He’s not a starfish Betty…if that limb is gone, it’s gone! Oh, wait, she’s talking about his haircut, my bad. And he was talking about the cult. I’m so confused.

Betty suggests that maybe when he gets to the Bahamas, he should be his old self. Daniel tells her she used to hate his old self and she even coined the phrase Man-slut. Betty assures him people were calling him Man-slut waaay before she was. She thinks being a Man-slut might be a little therapeutic for him.

Back at Casa de Housewife Sans Ring or Commitment, Councilman Helpless tells Hilda, “I may be old-fashioned but I can’t do the collars the way you do.” Hot. She should jump him right now. Or show him to the nearest drycleaner. “Now get me my beer, woman.” Meh.

Hilda says she has a surprise for him to which he says, “Well, I just showered, but okay.” Double meh! Hilda shows him an Atlantis brochure. She says Justin is with friends for the weekend and Betty can get them a discount. They could be ironing shirts in paradise!

Turns out Councilman Snore has a “strategy meeting” upstate which is code for “I’m going to be watching the game.” Why would a Queens councilman have to go upstate to strategize when his reign of control/terror is local? He also says taking a vacation in this economy might look bad. He sort of has me there.

Then he says at least now she won’t have to deal with all of his “weird germ issues,” like not being able to touch a hotel bedspread. Again, I have to agree with him on this. Oh my God, am I boring? No! I’m sure other people like falling asleep on the sofa every Saturday night covered in dogs and popcorn crumbs! I KNOW IT!

Hilda sighs and has Archie kiss her cheek before he leaves. Nothing like pissing off a couple of double C-cups and a booty to die for, Councilman Dumbass. I wonder if there is anyone else out there who would take her to Funkytown?

Worst tourniquet ever!

Oh Lord! Amanda is walking through the office is a really creepy bikini that has strands of fabric all over and friends, she could use a meal or two. She’s asking Matt which shoes go with the bikini and he can’t speak due to all the drool in his mouth. Betty looks over and sees the two of them talking and she hides in the reception desk area to watch them.

Willie is giving notes to Marc and I have to say I absolutely love this dress on her. Girlfriend’s got a great figure and the color looks amazing on her. The medallion is a bit much, but does remind me of that show Isis from when I was little…you know, she was an archeologist and teacher by day, Isis when people were in crisis and needed the help of a 3000 year old Egyptian queen. Well, it made sense back then.

Isis, can you hear me?

Oh zephyr winds which blow on high,
lift me now so I can fly.
Maybe Santa will bring me the box set for Xmas?

During all of the instructions, Marc is doing a lot of poor-me muttering and he finally admits that he needs a vacation. Amen. Willie sees Betty skulking around the reception desk and says, “Congratulations Betty, you’re going on a trip. And this time you won’t be hidden in a wheel.” Ha! And now Marc has a vacation. On company money. How are they not bankrupt?

Down in the Bahamas, Betty looks like a moronic tourist in that stupid squished hat of hers, although kudos for making sure you stay out of the sun. Wilhelmina vaporizes out of nowhere and tells Betty the first photo shoot starts in less than an hour. “If anyone tells you there is something called ‘Island time,’ drown them in a daiquiri and poke their eyes out with the umbrella,” she says. She also wants Betty to find a wrangler for the models, she doesn’t want anyone “tanned or bloated.”

Betty hears Amanda laugh and we see her walking arm-in-arm with Matt. Willie sees it too and says, “I’m sensing a personal life here. Stop it immediately, I need your giant head in the game.” Her head is kind of big, isn’t it? And furry, let’s not forget.

Betty is on the phone bitching to Hilda about Matt and Amanda at probably $2.99 a minute. Should have called one of those hotlines they advertise at night – lots of local singles looking to have good talks! Betty walks by a hotel rep and hears, “Ms. Lumpkin, your room is ready.” She stops, looks, and sees Shakira. SHAKIIIIRA! She starts to walk towards Shakira and a security guard intercepts. Shakira pleads, “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here.” If you want to stay incognito, take off the trench and hat – you’re in the Bahamas, not England in winter.

Shhh! I’m trying to solve a mystery
and I have no idea where Watson is!

Back at Casa de Antarctica, Hilda is freezing and turns the radiator for more heat, breaking the handle. Hope someone just as hot stops by to help her fix it! He does! Bobby has stopped by to drop off a playbill for West Side Story that Justin left in his car. As if. Hilda tells him about the radiator and he takes off his jacket to help fix it. Now take off your shirt!

Worst foreplay ever! But I bet it works!

Hilda is screaming about how cold it is there and how she could be in the Bahamas “but no my boyfriend has to stay here to strategize or something.” Bobby says missing Hilda in a bikini is a bad call. I call it BAD STRATEGIZING, but whatever. Bobby goes to turn the radiator off and apparently has no clue that is scalding hot steam and he burns his hand. They are meant for each other.

The photo shoot has started and Willie is bitching about the bikinis that were chosen. Seems like that should have been done in New York, but who am I to say what’s what in saving money? “This one doesn’t know what it wants to be,” she says, holding up scraps of something. “It’s the Anne Heche of swimwear.” Is that crazy bitch still around?

Betty says she found a wrangler for the models and “they are terrified of her.” It looks like a crazy shemale, but I have a feeling I’ve seen this woman on a Martha Stewart Destination Weddings episode for Martha’s PR rep. Shemale calmed everyone down when the hurricane threatened their super-rich wedding, right?

Don’t dress like that then wonder why people
are pointing you to the early bird special.

For some odd reason, they have a huge TV next to them with the Suzuki fashion channel on it. Turns out Penelope Graybridge got the Isabella job! And it’s Christie Brinkley playing Penelope, excellent. She says, “I couldn’t have done any of it without my beautiful daughter and my husband. How could a girl get so lucky?” Lemonade, anyone, for Willie’s cuts? Just pour it in quickly please! Also, if you consider Brinkley’s life the last few years (including this past week!), that must have been a painful line for her to deliver!

Betty continues to walk around with smush hat and sees Amanda running crazy with a rack of clothes. This magazine is so organized. Betty says hello to Amanda who almost wets herself seeing Betty. She tries to hide but Betty has the ability to move the clothes on the rack aside to see Amanda. She tells her she’s giving her the chance to be upfront about dating a certain guy. Amanda gasps and runs. Then she comes back and says, “We’re talking about Matt, right?” She gasps and runs off again.

At the bar, Daniel is clearly not working and Marc saddles up beside him since there are no other available chairs. Marc orders a drink and many drinks later, he and Daniel are looovaaahs. No, just kidding, although that would have been hilarious.

So I did this to land the plane, but they
overshot the airport by like 150 miles.
Probably having gay sex!

Marc is telling Daniel he wants meaningless vacation sex but there are no gays in the Bahamas. “Not a waxed chest or condescending attitude to be found,” he says. Daniel points out two seemingly gay guys but it’s a rookie mistake – they’re European! “This is the worst gaycation ever!” Marc yells.

Daniel asks if he adds “gay” to every word just to make it his own. “Gaybe. Gaybe not,” Marc answers and they both giggle like schoolgirls. I’m serious, they should do it! Daniel admits that he has been trying to meet someone new, but since his time with Molly, all three weeks of it, he’s lost his touch. Marc says he can help Daniel.

“Girls love it when straighty is down with the pink team,” he says, a sentence that never could have been uttered on 1950s TV. Or even understood then. “Who do you have your eye on?” A woman walks over and Marc tells her that his straight friend here is trying to set him up with guys and Daniel admits it’s not going so well. He asks her for her help and she points out the European guys.

“They’re European,” Daniel says. “This gayn’t easy…” Oh, man. She says she’ll let him slide for that one and introduces herself. Mission accomplished!

Betty is chasing Amanda asking her why she didn’t tell Betty about dating Matt and blah-blah-blah. What’s most hilarious about this scene is watching the two of them attempt to climb stairs on very heavy heels. They can barely walk in them! They get to the top of something and Amanda says she’ll race Betty for him. Turns out they are on the platform for the mega-water-slides! OH MY GOD I LOVE THOSE!

Two small objects shoot their way down tubes racing for the pool!
Why does that sound familiar?

Fully clothed they speed down the slides at about 120mph judging by the editing and camera angles, right into the pool. Betty wins by .3 seconds, but she does have her weight on her side. “You’ll find another millionaire to date in like five minutes,” Betty tells her. Amanda says, “Is that really what you think this is for me?” Isn’t it always? Yes.

“Did it ever occur to you that I might have real feelings for Matt?” Amanda asks. No, because it’s usually about the sex or the money for her. She tells Betty she should think about Matt wants. “He invited ME.” Oh, burn. Matt happens by and asks what Betty is doing there. She tells them both that them being together is good and she’s totally fine with it.

As she gets out of the pool, Marc saddles up to her and says that all hell has broken loose. No one can find Wilhelmina which means either Bin Laden or Anna Wintour got her. Betty says she’d be happy to push aside her broken heart to take care of everything which Marc appreciates. He’s like that, you know.

Where’s Willie? On a beach alone eating a hamburger. She sees something dark in the water and out splashes Connor Owens as Barry White’s “Never, Never Going to Give You Up” begins to play. OHMYGODOHMYGOD IT’S CONNOR! This better not be a mirage! I will be SO PISSED if it is.

Aye…

chi…

huahua!

Willie runs over to him and kisses him. Then she slaps him which of course turns him on. “You let me think you died,” she said. “You believed that? Oh, I’m so sorry,” he says. I knew it! They make out in the crashing waves a la From Here to Eternity only with tongue.

Connor has a boa constrictor too!

In the after-sex glow of their glamorous lives, Willie says she can’t believe Connor is here and he can’t believe she ate a cheeseburger. She says she’ll kill him if he ever reveals that. He tells her that the boat will be back tomorrow so they can sneak away together. Until then, they can have hot, secret sex. Then these production cameras will probably have to leave!

In another bed, Daniel explains that, “That never ever happens to me…my wife died recently.” “Yeah, you mentioned that,” says bachelorette #1. Awkward. And bringing up your dead wife is never good foreplay, just FYI.

Seriously, WTF? Is he wearing a cup
or does he need a surgeon? Or a rabbi?

Back at Casa de Africa, Hilda is complaining about the heat. Take off your thigh-high boots, it’s only getting more moist in them dumbass. You could also open a window, doyee. Bobby continues to try to turn off the radiator (isn’t there a knob underneath?) as Hilda says, “I’m kind of a bitch when I’m hot,” and Bobby says, “You’re kind of bitch when you’re cold, too.” What is she when it’s just right? A bitch.

Hey, Beyond Thunderdome, take off the boots if you are hot!
(Wow – two Mad Max references in one recap! Sad!)

Bobby takes off his shirt (finally!) to reveal a wife-beater, and if he marries Hilda, I might be okay with that. He asks for needle-nosed pliers and she lists out all the tools she’s brought him, wah-wah-wahhh. He says they make radiators complicated so you have to call in a specialist to repair them. Finally Hilda asks him what he’s really doing there.

“I told you, Justin left a playbill in my car,” Bobby says. Hilda says, “Justin would sooner leave me in a ditch than leave a playbill anywhere,” she says. Good point. Bobby smiles and finally fesses up he came to see her. She tells him she’s in a relationship and he wants to know if she’s happy. He says he knows her face when she’s happy and he thinks about that face all the time. She’s not showing her happy face. Or probably her O-face for that matter. “You tell me I’m wrong, I’ll walk out that door,” he says.

“You’re wrong,” she says. Only if it’s opposite day! Bobby puts on his clothes and tells her to call a professional for the radiator. You stupid puta, what the hell? Maserati or Taurus? ALWAYS Maserati!

Back in the Bahamas, Betty is searching for Willie in the cabanas and is banging on all the doors. Rude if someone else is in there. She hits one of the doors and bounces back into a topless Wilhelmina. Ew! No one needs to see their boss topless. She’s also holding a bucket of ice against her boobs so I’m guessing it’s a little nippley too. Betty does everything to avert her eyes.

Actually, I was looking for coffee nips, not iced ones.

Betty gives Willie a download of the all the issues going on…models, swimwear, etc. then finally begs her to put on a robe. Willie tells Betty to take the stick out because they’re on “Island time.” “Jump on board, man,” Willie says, sending Betty on her way. Yeah, on her way for that daiquiri/umbrella combo!

On a deserted part of the beach, Matt has set up a table for dinner for both he and Amanda, and in the background it looks like he’s set up a bed with wispy canopy gauze. Presumptuous! And accurate! He and Amanda toast to their first real date and Amanda grabs Matt and kisses him. But he sort of doesn’t kiss back really.

You have the same amount of stubble as Betty.

She asks him if he still has feelings for Betty and he says Betty sees him as a friend. Amanda doesn’t want to get in the middle of the two of them. She tells him flat-out that Betty still has feelings for him and if he still likes her, she’ll pass Betty a note between classes if he wants. She stands up to leave and takes the bottle of wine with her. Good for you, Amanda!

Back at the hotel bar, Daniel is telling Marc that he and bachelorette #1 did things to frighten fish. Marc’s like ease up, little buddy, if you have to overcompensate that much she probably wasn’t into you, then he realizes “oh, you couldn’t get the rooster to crow.” Yes, the cock was quiet.

Marc says that maybe the problem is that Daniel is trying to be who he was before and he’s not because of Molly. Damn, she ruined everything in her short life. “It’s hard to go back,” Marc says. Daniel says, “You’re really smart. Wilhelmina is lucky to have you working for her.” Marc asks Daniel to tell HER that sometime.

No, it’s still not happening between you and Daniel, sorry.

Suddenly Daniel’s gaydar goes into effect and he points out a gay guy for Marc. Marc is about to take off when Amanda shows up saying her future is needle-point and double A batteries in bulk. She must have a tiny va-jay-jay. Marc says, “Console her because Matt doesn’t love her, and console him because his wiener’s not working.” Amanda bursts out laughing and asks him what happened since he could get turned on anywhere. These two are totally going to do it!

Later that night Betty is trying to keep an eye on the models, boring. While dancing with the models, Betty gets pushed over into a bunch of guys but guess who is there to save her? The big hand of Matt! He pulls her up and she says “Matt” just as he smacks one on her. These two are totally going to do it!

Musical montage of sex! Amanda and Daniel are in bed…Matt and his anonymous date are in bed…except it’s some guy who does lighting for Mode, oops…Hilda in bed with BOBBY! I love the fact they had sex in a bed right under the crucifix, but what a way to end up in Hell, Matt and Betty spooning…Connor and Willie! Sexgalorious!

Look out! Jesus is right behind you!
And he’s been watching this WHOLE TIME!

Matt and Betty have the awkward after-sex discussion over room service when his phone goes off, her phone goes off, and there’s a knock at their door. Something is amiss! Is it the Catholic Church coming for their souls? No, it’s Marc, the anti-Catholic and it turns out the models are gone as is Willie.

Marc walks in, says hello to Matt, then explains he tried to have anonymous sex with someone and it turned out to be someone from Mode. “Troy? He’s always liked you!” Betty says. Matt says their cover model and other lower models got on a boat with some guys and now they are in Cuba. Viva la revolucíon, bitches, you’re stuck there. But since you are used to not having food, it probably won’t seem much different than your real lives.

Betty is pissed because now who is going to model for the cover? Wait for it…Betty sees Justin’s Shakira photo album. “I might have just solved it,” she says.

Has everyone met Shakira’s maid-servant Consuela?

Over in Shakira’s room which Betty somehow managed to break into, Betty looks particularly dumpy while explaining the cover shoot to Shakira. Shakira says that every magazine has a bikini-clad model on the cover, how fearless is that? Betty has another great idea! She gives Shakira the one-piece from the lady from way back when and it looks like a catsuit on her. Let’s roll!

Betty runs over to Wilhelmina to tell her what she did for the photo shoot. “It’s not terrible,” she says. Oh, what the hell does she care, she and Connor will be on a big pile of money banging like jackrabbits in about 20 minutes.

Daniel shows up and congratulates Betty on getting Shakira for the cover and Betty says she liked her pitch about the bathing suit scandal. But did anyone else see that the shots with Shakira were in front of a green screen and that they had a stand-in on the beach? Odd. Suddenly we hear sirens and it ain’t for Homer and his Odyssey!

The FBI is all over the photo shoot and some of them are amphibious and come out of the water on jet skiis. Atlantis has everything! “Come out of the cabanas with your hands up!” they scream.

Cheese it! The Feds have come for Willie’s sex life!

Willie runs into the cabana (don’t they have an actual room with LOCKS?) and tells Connor to run for it. He tells her it’s too late, but luckily he has time to fix his French cuffs. I mean Freedom cuffs. She begs him to strap on scuba gear so they can both escape. He tells her to pretend she’s the one who ratted him out so she can use it to get back to Mode. I love this guy. Not many would go to prison for a woman. Well, maybe they would for a Girls Gone Wild video.

They kiss and he shoves her out the door. She screams, “He’s in there!” and they grab Connor and throw him out of the cabana. Everyone gasps and Marc says, “He’s alive!” And doesn’t Willie know it! Also, didn’t they just see her go into that cabana? Well, let’s let that go.

Connor looks at Willie and says, “This is all your fault!” and Willie screams, “You’re despicable!” and slaps him across the face. He winks at her because you know he’s totally turned on and there goes the love of Willie’s life. So he can fake his own death but he can’t elude the security team of the Atlantis or the FBI?

Two words: Conjugal visits.

Back at Casa de No-cation, Betty gives Justin the straw that Shakira used to suck down a beverage. It even has her lipstick on it. Watch out for swine flu! Hilda flies into the room glad to see Betty back and Betty motions to Hilda’s surprise in the dining room.

The only word I can think of here is LIMP.

It’s Councilman Poo-Poo Platter. He has the table decked out in tropical gear, he’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt and lei, and then says, “We should have gone to the Bahamas.” Then you shouldn’t be dressed like Don Ho for your ho. He says he was stupid with his priorities and that one little dinner won’t make up for it. He hugs Hilda and she looks, well, not too guilty. Can’t wait for this to come crashing down around them! Hot Bobby is hot!

At Mode, Daniel checks in with Amanda to make sure she’s okay and she realizes she hasn’t done anything clingy – look, they’ve both grown. Awww.

Marc is at Willie’s apartment and says that the proofs from the shoot just came back and everyone is buzzing about how great they are. Willie uncorks some champagne thatswhatshesaid and she’s all a-glow that Connor is still alive and since people think she turned him in she can write her own ticket at Mode. Plus, Marc has his job back. Gaybe, gaybe not.

Marc looks awkward and says there’s something he needs to tell her. “I’ve accepted a job with Daniel,” he says. “As his assistant.” Willie tells him to quit. He says he doesn’t want to because although it’s not an editor job, he thinks Daniel will actually try to make it happen for him. Oh, burn!

I am totally going to eat your liver.

Betty walks into Matt’s office with some homemade lunches. Matt laughs and says, “It sounds like the we-slept-together-let’s-talk-lunch.” She says she’s just worried about their future. She doesn’t want them to get hurt. He says there’s no way to know what is going to happen, but he wants to find out. So does she. So we’re back to the old Matt and Betty. Well, since he’s not acting the douche anymore, I’m going to endorse this, but with reservations.

C’mon, you know you love my Heat Miser hair!

Next week? Tacky jumpsuits, ascots, prison sex (hot!), Matt dancing like he’s playing that funky music white boy, and two shocking pregnancies – Hilda and Betty – and Bobby saying, “It wasn’t me!” I’m sorry, are you telling me Hilda did not have condoms hidden in the crucifix and Atlantis doesn’t have a mini-bar chocked full of Ribbed for Her Pleasure? There are no accidents, people, just stupid mistakes made in the throws of passion. If memory serves. See you next week!