Ugly Betty: Shark! Consider Yourself WAAAY Jumped! Part 1

Hello Gasmii and welcome back to this season’s premiere of Ugly Betty! When we last left Betty, she had been promoted to features editor over Marc with a flipped coin, Wilhelmina is on the outs with Claire and Cal, Wilhelmina hired a bounty hunter to bring back Connor “dead or alive,” Betty kissed Henry, Matt became Betty’s vengeful boss, Daniel was married, widowed, and winner of the year’s best fashion magazine featuring his dead wife (all within about 36 hours), and Hilda continued not to work. Oh, and someone scared Wilhelmina so badly she actually broke what I can only imagine is Baccarat crystal. Who could it be…Naomi Campbell?

Screw the shark, those cut-off
denim shorts are the true tragedy!

We open this episode with 2001: A Space Odd-yssey of shapes and colors. Is someone a chromosome? Wait a minute…is Betty at the gyno? Or the orthodontist? Or both! She’s getting her braces off! She looks in the mirror and screams. Oh, just a dream. She says her teeth looked like gnarly monster teeth, “Like someone from the deep back woods of England.” Or London.

I think you’re doing the pap smear incorrectly, doctor.

Papi says she’s just nervous because it’s her first day as a features editor, which in Bettyland time means it’s either a day later or a month later, who can ever tell with this show. Congrats to Hilda for losing the baby bump…via giving birth in real life. Good for you, sister.

Justin comes downstairs and is all decked out for his first day of high school in his hot pink Gucci shirt. Good luck with that. Speaking of new clothes, Christina sent Betty something (and we all know how stylish she was) for her first day. She opens it and it’s an elderly woman’s pantsuit from 1984. Well, it’s the thought that counts, and this adds up to zero. Hilda takes a first-day picture of Justin and Betty so we can all remember how happy they were before their dreams were crushed by reality.

You know the two surviving Golden Girls
are totally fighting over this.

Flash over to Suzuki St. Pierre – oh, how we’ve missed ye – talking about how Wilhelmina Slater is on the outs with Cal and Claire. He also mentions how “hottie widower” Daniel is in Tibet spreading his late wife’s ashes. “A moment of silence for Molly,” Suzuki uncharacteristically says. They show a stopwatch which is fast-forwarded 60 seconds. “Moment over!” I couldn’t agree with you more, Suzuki.

This OJ is ORGASMIC!

Wilhelmina is in her kitchen watching this show when she turns around, jumps, and says, “You have got to stop doing that. I only have so much glassware.” Who the hell is it? The doorbell rings and she tells the person to hide. Marc has brought over her dry cleaning but in reality he really wants to see what’s going on. Trying to use her bathroom before she throws him out, he hears someone make a noise.

“What was that?” he asks. “Housekeeping.” He says he thought they had Willie’s housekeeper deported – ha! Being shoved out the door, he tells Willie he’s worried about her future at the magazine, especially since it’s tied to his. Turns out Claire and Cal want to meet with Willie that evening…hopefully to fire her sorry ass! Actually, that would be stupid, she’s good at her job and there would be less back-stabbing and intrigue if they would just let her.

Do I smell orgasmic OJ?

Back at the office, Betty is in front of the building brushing aside her bangs and trying to convince herself she’s an attractive, vibrant, smart, yeti. Or associate features editor. Good luck with that.

Over at high school musical, Justin shows up looking gayer than ever with white keds, bracelets, and his pink shirt. Good luck with that.

Betty is being shown around the office like she’s brand new. She gets a corporate credit card with a $100 limit for lunch. Jesus, my company gives their traveling executives $25/day per diem and not because of the economy either, it’s always been that way. Also, Betty is told that if she’s here late she has access to the Meade town cars. Uh, I think I know why Meade went broke. Oh, she can use the gym and steam room. Again, great fiscal planning.

Justin is standing at his locker totally being laughed at. This will not end well.

The HR person tells Betty she remembers checking her in three years ago when she first started, and she didn’t think she’d last a month. “Congratulations,” she says.

Betty walks into her office and sees her box full of desk items. “Betty, hi,” says bitchface. “We’ve never technically met. I’m Meeeee-gan,” she says. “Not May-gen or Meg-an. Mee-gan.” As in me-me-me? Betty gushes about how she likes Meegan’s writing and Meegan interrupts and says although Betty has “super cute stuff” most of it is against office décor policy about everything being fashion-related, and it has to go. Betty continues life as a doormat and agrees.

I’ll see you next Tuesday and raise you a twat.

“Are we sharing?” Betty asks. “That’s adorable,” Meegan says, and I hate her so much. “You thought an associate editor would get her own office? I just want to eat you up.” Turns out Meegan is a little pissed that she had her own office, it took four years to get, but guess who they had to give it to? Matt. D’oh!

Speaking of the dickwad, his head pops up in the screen as he says, “I’m Matt Hartley, your new managing editor.” Yes, because I’m sure he’s got the experience – I mean, DNA. Betty and Meegan walk into the meeting room and as Betty goes to sit in a chair, Meegan claims it as hers. Betty sits on the floor instead of just getting another damn chair.

The Heat Miser hair doesn’t distract from those ears, sorry.

“Some of you I know, some of you I don’t, some of you I thought I knew but apparently I didn’t,” he says, motioning to Betty. He says his role is to be a conduit between them and the editors-in-chief. He’s more of a tool than a conduit, though. He says all ideas have to go through him because, “It’s all about communication people.” I hope his sex addiction leads him to Meegan, they’d be the bestest couple ever!

Matt mentions the next issue up is about global fashions and he asks Betty to start them off. “You’re good with beginnings…not so much with endings,” he says. Dude, if you want her to walk away with lawsuit money, keep ‘em coming.

Betty unfortunately starts off talking about malaria in Africa, the continent where every disease seems to originate, thank you warlords, and Matt is like where is the fashion angle? I have to agree. Betty, you do realize this is a fashion magazine, right? Not National Geographic? She tries to make a comeback but Meegan interrupts connecting malaria to mosquitos to insect jewelry and Matt loves it.

Back at high school of horrors, thugs come by and call Justin Fergie. As if she had that much class. One of the thugs drinks some of Justin’s jamba juice and makes fun of his shirt. Then he tosses up the tray and covers Justin with food and drink as everyone laughs. So basically, Justin is living the high school dream just like the rest of us did.

Now instead of being a fruit cup, you’re wearing one.

Back at Mode, everyone seems to have an assignment except Betty and Matt says, “Go team.” Betty chases after Matt to see if they can talk, but he runs into the bathroom like a girl. Why not go after him? Instead, she sees Marc and tries to talk to him, but he’s busy answering his stapler. Subtle. And it’s a shame he couldn’t have just picked up the real phone and pretended.

Betty looks longingly at her old desk and Daniel’s office as we see Justin in the bathroom trying to clean off his shirt. Too bad he didn’t have any club soda. Betty looks through pictures of herself with Christina as sad, sappy music plays. Oh call the bloody ambulance, we’re thirteen minutes in and I’m starting to not care.

Betty heads into the closet where she catches Amanda stealing clothes. Seriously, does that room not have a door that locks? Amanda asks what it feels like to be the first Latina Supreme Court Justice and Betty has to tell her she’s not. Amanda begs her not to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Pretty ballsy for a show that for the next 2 hours avoids calling Justin gay.

Amanda says she’s still trying to figure out how to be friends with Marc, who hates Betty, and Betty. Marc shows up and Amanda pushes Betty away, calling her a “bloated troll.” As if she looked that good. Marc tells Betty she looks good then takes a picture, probably to send to the rest of the gay herd.

Betty heads to the steam room because what else should a person with a promotion to associate do but take time out of her WORK day to get some steam. She bumps into Wilhelmina and tells her it’s been a rough day. Wilhelmina doesn’t want to have to give her a pep talk, but Betty pretty much begs for it. “Are we really going to do this?” Willie laments. And how. So Willie gives her the whole “being editor is war” pep talk.

Does anyone know what this room is for? Anyone?

“It sort of feels like I have more enemies than friends,” Betty laments. Are you new? To the world let alone the company? Jesus, Betty, it’s been three years, get your head out of your burro. “And really,” Willie says, “malaria? Like I would ever put disease-ridden poor people in the pages of this magazine.” I’m so with you, Willie. Unless Clooney asks, then I’m all about helping Africa.

Willie tells Betty to look out for herself even if it means screwing everyone over, you know, like Matt does. Betty wonders how you can do that if you’re not that kind of person. “You change, or you’ll be eaten alive,” Willie says. Just hope it’s not by malaria-ridden mosquitoes!

Was anyone else bored at this point? I mean, aren’t we passed the point where Betty gets walked on all the time? Apparently not, thank you Nielsen’s 3 million fewer than last season’s premiere.

For example, boring home scene where Betty is stupid enough to think making low-fat, low-sugar, low-carb, high-in-antioxident muffins will break the ice with the people who hate her, Hilda reminds her people at Mode don’t eat, Karate Councilman says food helps him win elections, and Papi tries to add butter so the muffins are at least edible. I snore, the end.

I KNOW! Can you believe I still have a spot on this show?

Justin walks in the door from school and has on his high school’s sweatshirt…but it’s dinnertime…but school normally lets out at 2 or 3…so shouldn’t Betty be at work…time is so confusing here! They all chase Justin down to ask about school but he just takes off upstairs and says he’ll talk to them later. Clearly something’s wrong but they all just let him go.

Back in the big city, Claire and Cal are having their way with Wilhelmina. Cal says they haven’t all been the best of friends, Willie says she shouldn’t have tried to blackmail Claire. “But in my defense, it’s hardly the worst thing I’ve done to the woman.” It’s funny because it’s true! “Though she really is less of a woman at this point than something you use to scare crows or children.”

I do have this face carved into a pumpkin right now
and the kids ARE staying away. So are the crows!

Willie tells them to just go ahead and fire her, but don’t expect her to apologize. “Good luck finding someone else who can do what I do,” she says. Claire says, “We want you to stay.” Willie is surprised and says that all of Claire’s facelifts must have affected her speech. “What did you say?” Turns out Claire and Cal can’t find someone to fill Willie’s shoes and they want her to stay as Editor-in-Chief. Isn’t that what she wanted from season 1? Oy.

Back at the office, Betty is shoving a muffin into every hand, and that’s not a euphemism. Question is, why are they still in the muffin pan and not in a bag or plastic container. Did you really get on the subway with a whole muffin tray in your hand, dumbass? How did you carry your purse and subway card?

Justin shows up at the office to see Marc and he says, “Betty’s waddling around her somewhere, tossing carbs around her with wild abandon.” Justin says he needs to speak to Marc. They would make an adorable couple once Justin grows out of the jail bait phase.

Betty gives a muffin to Meeeeeegan who says she’s going to save it for later as she pushes it to the edge of her desk. Don’t make me whip out the c-word, I’ll do it, and I ain’t talking about cute. On the other hand, good acting! Betty grovels and says if Meeeeegan needs anything from her, she’d be happy to do it…research, calls, basically the same job she had when she was Daniel’s assistant. What happened to strong Betty? Or was that an illusion?

“Oh my God,” Meeegan says as she shoves ear buds into her – you guessed it – ears, “You are so sweet.” Then she goes back to work. Bitch.

Betty runs after Matt to hand him a muffin and asks if they can talk about “us.” “Betty, not at work,” he says, but still taking her muffin. Like he did before they broke up, boo-ya! Is your name Betty or doormat? Does it even matter anymore? The show’s been moved to Friday nights, it’s basically just a countdown to cancellation, isn’t it?

Betty turns and sees Justin saying goodbye to Marc and getting on the elevator. Betty asks Marc if that was Justin (well if you can’t tell, get better glasses), and Marc says he’s sorry but he has to take this call on a tape dispenser. Betty uses a muffin as her own phone and Marc says, “You can’t call a tape dispenser with a muffin,” then he grabs the muffin, takes a bite, and officially disconnects Betty. Maturity reigns from up on high!

Suddenly Marc stops, holds his finger up, and whispers, “Walnuts!” then falls dead. Or mostly dead. As Marc is being wheeled out of the office due to his nut allergy (ironic, isn’t it?), Betty is calling Hilda to tell her that Justin was at the office talking to Marc and I’m guessing – cutting most of his classes on high school musical day 2. OH MY GOD! Hilda is working! Still…get off the phone, it’s not like you’re in a car. Or my hairdresser.

The first and last time Marc ever goes down on Betty.

Betty sadly walks into Daniel’s office. Jesus, want to keep your job much? Get to work on something you dimwit. Then we hear Claire say, “I miss him too.” Who? Oh, Daniel. Is he still on this show? Also, I’m not loving Claire’s longer hair, it seems oddly out of place on her. She asks how Betty is doing and Betty says fine.

“Yes, starting a new job and working for your ex-boyfriend, I can see how you’d be fine,” Claire says. Then do something about it! Betty says she’ll be fine, she just needs to find some allies, although she admits she’s the one who put Marc in the hospital. Claire high-fives her. She tells Betty to keep trying to talk to Matt. So Betty does.

High-five for almost killing the gay guy!

Mark is running in the park and Betty runs along side of him…in her heels. DOES ANYBODY WORK THERE ANYMORE? Matt tells her he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. Betty stares at him and kisses him. Oh, blech, he’s your boss. Plus he’s sweaty. Gross!

Matt pushes her away but she says she still think he has feelings for her. She thinks he took the job just to hurt her, “all for some stupid moment that meant nothing.” Uh, I think it did and I wish Henry would come back for good. Matt says he can’t do this and he takes off running like a pussy.

Back at Casa de Lying, Hilda asks Justin what he was doing at Mode. Rut-roh! He covers quickly and says he spilled low-fat dressing on his new shirt and it was ruined, he thought Marc might be able to help by getting him another one. Hilda admits it was irregular (Justin could tell by the stitching), and tells Justin he could have just told her. Oh, and P.S. Mom, I’m gay.

Willie yells for Marc asking where he was the day before. He tells her that he was in the emergency room due to an allergy…he would have told her but his throat had closed up. “Next time, do it on your own time,” Willie suggests. I do adore her.

She tells Marc she needs to hydrate and has Marc spritz her with water. She tells him the news about staying on and Marc is ecstatic. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all week, besides ‘You’ll live,’” he says. But Willie’s no fool. She thinks they are keeping her on until they can steal away who they really want, Isabelle Besset from French Elle. Wouldn’t French Elle be called She? She says “they’ve been trading calls.” Interesting…just like in The Devil Wears Prada.

Marc spritzes himself and Willie tells him to calm down. Her cell phone rings and Marc picks it up. The screen says, “Home.” Would Willie have a home phone or would she just use her cell? Marc answers it, which is pretty ballsy, and Willie rips the phone out of his hand. I KNOW! “I don’t want you answering my cell phone anymore,” she says. “I would like my privacy respected. Starting now.”

“She’s keeping secrets from me!” Marc bitches to Amanda who admits she’s not listening. He knows she’s hiding someone from him at her apartment and Amanda thinks it’s someone she’s having a torrid affair with. The copy boy? Marc thinks she may be hiding Connor, dun-dun-DUNNNN.

This won’t end well.

Betty is walking down some stairs in a park because God forbid she should be at work (it’s like she and Hilda hit heads and said at the same time, “I wish I were YOU!” and they traded minds but not bodies. Freakshow! Also freakish? Betty’s green shoes, yellow ankle socks (you’re an ADULT), and red dress. Sweet, merciful retinas, who is dressing her, Betsy Johnson or Stevie Wonder?

Betty’s phone rings and it’s Daniel! What kind of trouble is he in now? Ah…legal issue at the airport. Why doesn’t he call his mother? Or attorney? Or friend? No, call your doormat Betty.

“So, you may be on some terrorist watch list, but for now, they’re not going to press charges,” Betty tells Daniel in the car. Was he not there to know that? And how did she work that out so quickly? Is she a lawyer now? Because she sure as shit isn’t an associate editor at a fashion magazine.

But Daniel’s all pissy because apparently the airline lost Molly. Or her ashes. Except they were found. Turns out Daniel only scattered half of her ashes in Tibet, he was going to keep the rest and send to LifeGem where they turned loved one’s ashes into diamonds you can wear.

They captured Molly’s personality perfectly!
Which one is she again?

Oh, here we go. Betty suggests that Daniel not stay at Molly’s apartment. Daniel says his apartment is on the market and he needs someplace to stay. How about putting HER apartment on the market and staying at YOUR apartment? Plus, her apartment was decorated like a 1980s dorm room. “Besides, I have to go through her things anyway,” he says. Doesn’t she have a family?

Daniel asks how things are going for Betty and she tells him great but he knows she’s lying. She doesn’t want to burden him with her troubles and he says, “Betty, it’s a relief to hear about someone else’s problems.” I bet, what with you only whining about your day after day after day, Narcissus.

Back at Willie’s apartment, Marc uses his keys to sneak in. Walking through the apartment, he enters one of the bedrooms and gasps! Who could it be?

“So he barely speaks to me,” Betty says to Daniel, “and my pitch turns into something completely different.” Oh, pitch, pitch, pitch. He asks if she talked to Willie or his mother. Yeah, right. “Maybe it will be like your first year at Mode when everyone made fun of you, even started that blog about you.” Say-what-now-huh? Oh please let this be true!

“What blog?” Betty asks. Yes! There is a blog! “You know,” Daniel says. “The one about your outfits.” Pieces? Of puzzle? Coming together. “The one where they took pictures of you every day? You have to know about this.” HAHAHAHA! We do now!

Second most-read site after TVgasm.

The site is called “Betty Daily Disaster” and we see a picture from yesterday’s outfit with the headline “The circus is back in town.” And how! Turns out they’ve been doing this since Betty started at Mode. “And nobody told me?” she asks. Would it have mattered? I mean, look around, you are like fashion Teflon!

Daniel tells Betty to show them how hard she works and how she’s a team player. Betty says she tried to be a team player with Meeeeegan and her stupid insect accessories idea, but she’d have none of it. Daniel gives Betty an insect pin Molly found in an antique shop that is worth a lot of money. Turns out it was done in the 60s by a designer named Olivia Guillemette…someone Betty could track down!

Terminator Cockroach! Wait – they ALL are.

Back at Willie’s apartment, Willie comes home to find Marc laughing it up with her guest…which turns out to be…meh! Her daughter Nico! Played by someone way more boring than the last actress. “How much do we love Nico’s new nose?” Marc says. Not-Nico turns to look at her mother and laugh. Yeesh.

Not-Nico sucks. Oh, I said it.

Betty wastes no time in finding the recluse Olivia – who apparently is listed in the book because Betty finds her immediately! She even has her name next to the elevator button so you know which one to push to find her. “Are you Olivia?” Betty asks the face that looks through the grated see-through box of the elevator (more than a peephole, less than a black hole).

The door to the elevator opens and Olivia says, “You’re just in time, come quickly or you’ll miss it!” Oh my God, she’s going to kill Betty and make her into a very fatty Hispanic pot pie!

While being escorted out of Willie’s apartment, Marc asks Willie if she still trusts him and if so, why did she hide Not-Nico? He thought maybe it was Connor. Willie fesses up that she did hire a bounty hunter to find Connor so she can take back the money to buy Hartley out of his contract. Because it will all be just that easy.

“But Hartley has his snout all up in Claire’s Spanx, he’s not going to sell his shares to you,” Marc says. Not to worry, she’ll use an intermediary. “Do you think this is my first extortion/secret takeover?” Good point. She tells him she left him out of the loop to protect him. “No more secrets,” she promises.

Turning to Not-Nico, she says, “Now that Marc knows you’re back, people are going to start to find out. We have to act like everything is normal, understand?” Not-Nico nods. I miss real Nico. Not-Nico says, “I’m scared.” We cut back to the season finale when Willie goes to her bedroom, sees someone, drops her glass, and says, “What are you doing here?” And we see Not-Nico come out of the dark, covered in blood. “I think I’m in trouble,” she says.

Why is the lamp of all things red?

Now let’s think about this. The blood is all over her white dress, still wet enough to be glistening and dripping down her legs and all over her hands. At what point was she able to catch a cab, pay for it, walk past the doorman and anyone else in the lobby, open the door without smearing blood on the knob, and walking on Willie’s white everything without dripping? My brain hurts from the logic. I’ll just pretend she came up the service entrance and call it a night.

Willie tells her she’ll take care of everything. Just have her killed and move on, kid’s just too much trouble.

What the hell is that!?!?! Oh, it’s some huge fuzzy caterpillar becoming a butterfly. Olivia gives Betty some words of wisdom by saying she thinks caterpillars stay in their cocoons a little longer than they need to because they are scared about changing into something new. Take the hint, Betty, and go back to bed for another year or two.

Do I sense a May-December thing going on here?

“Oh, but the caterpillar is just…gone,” Betty laments. Dumbass, no one thinks caterpillars are cute, especially when their spiny legs are crawling all over you. Olivia assures her, “He’s still there,” meaning even if Betty becomes a ruthless monster of an associate editor, she’ll still dress as ugly as ever.

Betty thanks her for letting her see that – seems like somewhere along they way they may want to introduce themselves, but details, details – and Olivia agrees, saying, “That’s why I invited everybody to watch.” Oh, crap! Are there a bunch of cadavers in the apartment? Dinner guests from 1972? She looks up and there are hundreds of butterflies all over the ceiling.

Then she tells Betty she needs to get everybody “back in their houses” and she’s going to need some help. She hands Betty a mask so she won’t scare the butterflies off. Actually, I think it may just be a butterfly net so she can help catch them.

Worst Disney movie ever.

Betty asks if they can do a feature on her insect jewelry but Olivia shushes her. I think we’ve all been there! Turns out a butterfly has landed on Betty – kill it! Then more of them fly from the ceiling and begin to land on Betty. “I think they’re attracted by the color of your clothes,” Olivia says. You sure it’s not her sparkling personality?

She guides Betty back to the butterfly house as Betty Pied-Pipers the butterflies to their home. For a split second I thought that she was going to lock Betty in there, that would have been hilarious. Especially when Betty didn’t make a cocoon or emerge beautiful. But she tells Betty to shake gently, she does, and the butterflies fly from her to the cage windows. Nice special effects, there, Skywalker Ranch.

“Now,” Olivia says, “What did you want to talk about?” Malaria?

Betty shows back up at work and rolls out a jewelry case that has all sorts of Olivia’s insect jewelry onto Meegan’s desk. Oh, f#ck that bitch, keep the story to yourself! I know, my charm school days are coming out in recap form.

“These are for you,” Betty says, as I totally hurl every breakfast, lunch, and dinner I’ve eaten all week across the room. Are you kidding me? This woman is awful and you are helping her just to get in good with someone who treats you like crap? Betty says she thought the jewelry and Olivia would make a good feature for Meegan. Blow me!

“What do you want?” Meegan coarsely asks. Betty tells her she doesn’t want anything. “Are you trying to steal my story?” See, this is where I would have stolen the story. “I was trying to help,” Betty says. “Take it or leave it.” I would so jam one of those insect pins up Meeeeeeegan’s ass.

Betty’s trying to make cappuccino or Nescafé in the cafeteria and per usual is failing miserably. Matt hands her a napkin and says, “Those muffins you made were really good.” As good as the sex you had with all those nameless, faceless women that Betty had to hear about when you hijacked her to your therapy session? I thought so.

Swab the deck with this, Popeye.

Hilda shows up at Mode – seriously, they should just give her a job there – and Marc says, “Ah, Betty’s younger sister.” Hilda says, “Thank you for the part that compliments me, but watch it for the part that slams my sister.” Best line of the night. Thank goodness I was STILL AWAKE for it. She tells Marc thanks for helping Justin out with his shirt.

Rip on my sister, I’ll rip one for you. Pull my finger.

“It was $400,” Marc says as Hilda balks. “Just kidding, I called the design house and told them it was for a Jonas and they sent one right over.” Aw, Marc, way to play the Jonas card! She thanks him again for helping Justin and he says, “Well, it’s hard for a kid like Justin to get pushed around like that.” Oops.

“What did you say?” Hilda asks. “Someone is pushing my son around?” Marc can’t backpedal fast enough. He tells her not to tell Justin and she’s like oh I’m SO getting into this now. Smooth. She asks why Justin would like to her and Marc is all like, duh, it’s hard for a boy to tell his mother something like that. Hilda says that she and Justin are super-cool close and he would tell her anything. Yawn.

“The next time he comes to you for something, you send him right home to me,” she says. Marc tries to argue but Hilda does the mom finger thing and says, “I’M NOT ASKING.” Damn! Go cut some hair!

I said, PULL MY FINGER!

As Hilda gets on the elevator, Betty gets off with Justin thatswhatshesaid so they can have lunch together. She’s sorry high school sucks, but I guess if anyone can console him it’s Granny Panties. Betty and Justin both grab trays and turn and ACK! It’s Meegan! Scarier than Not-Nico covered in blood. She tells Betty that “we’re having lunch over there, you can join if you want.” She smiles in such a phony way I want to smack her into next week, but I think her gesture is genuine. At least for right now.

The contempt is palpable, so much so she
spread it on bread and is eating it for lunch.

Justin tells her to go have lunch at the popular table because she won’t get a second invite. He takes off and bumps into Marc. “Is she still here?” he asks. “Is this a test?” Justin asks Marc if he wants to go grab lunch. Please explain to me the high school that has a long enough lunch break that a kid can grab the subway to Manhattan from Queens, have lunch, head back, and still have time to get beat up. Ours was 22 minutes.

He tells Justin “tu mama just scared the Hey-Zeus (that’s how he said it) out of me.” He tells Justin that Hilda was very clear on her instructions about Marc not talking to Justin. I don’t actually believe that’s what she meant, I think she meant no more advice. But you two feel free to head to The Closet and try on some Manolos. “You probably shouldn’t come around anymore.” Dang!

Meegan fesses up to Betty and says when she first showed up, she wasn’t sure she was going to like her. Uh, you didn’t like her, that you WERE sure of. She says she thought Betty had gotten the job as a courtesy because she was Daniel’s assistant, which is so rude considering she actually got it via a flipped coin.

“Hey, skinny bitches! And Betty,” Amanda says. Emergency meeting in the conference room everyone in there because “Daniel’s back.” This can’t be good. And neither is that beard he continues to sport. Try to hide all you want, we know it’s you in this show!

Daniel walks into the conference room which is only filled with Betty’s group. He thanks everyone for the hard work they’ve been doing while he’s been roaming all over Tibet strewing ashes of a former character in the streets. “But unfortunately there are things going on that I just don’t like.” And you know this how, from your ride up the elevator?

So he goes on this whole tirade about how the insect piece was a pitch started from Betty but was taken away from her and given to Meeeegan (Betty’s eyes go wide). “I know you’re new here, Matt, but that’s not the way we do things,” Daniel scolds. Yeah, Matt, we normally blackmail people to get stuff done. “So effective immediately, the story goes back to Betty. Sorry, Meegan, you’ll have to come up with some ideas of your own.” You mean like when she took Betty’s journey into malaria and came up with the idea of doing something on insect jewelry?

Fins to the left…

Then he says, “Matt, you might consider doing a little legwork. Figure out the do’s and don’t's of being a managing editor.” Daniel, you might consider figuring out how to manage people. Praise in public, criticize in private. I realize Matt’s been a tool, but way to undermine him with people who probably didn’t respect him in the first place. Actually, nevermind. Matt’s a dick.

…fins to the right…

“I look forward to reading your piece, Betty,” Daniel says to his teacher’s pet. “I’m sure it’s going to be great.” If you survive. The entire group stares her down.

…and you’re the only bait in town!

Stay tuned for part two, coming shortly! And judging by the Nielsen ratings, hopefully before this show gets cancelled!