Ugly Betty: Shark/WAY Jumped/Part Deux

When we left Ugly Betty mid-episode, Daniel had just come to her rescue by giving her back the insect story and making everyone else feel like shit! Yay Betty! Daniel smiles and pats Betty on the shoulders before leaving. She turns to her now vicious co-workers and says, “Guys,” and they all turn and stare at her. “I swear,” she says, “I did not ask for special treatment,” which is technically true.

Pretty much the average workday for most of us.

“So you didn’t mention anything to Daniel?” Matt asks. That’s not what she said and by the way, Poindexter ears, she’s allowed to converse about how work sucks with her friends. Just ask mine. She says that she gave him and update but she didn’t ask for the article. Matt’s face scrunches up as he screams, “LIAR!” and Meegan screams, “Get the liar who spreads the lies!” Ah, I forgot how much I like the campiness of this show.

Everyone ducks down and grabs a crossbow, bow and arrow, basically pointy-things to shoot at Betty as evil Damien music plays. They begin shooting at her as she runs away and it’s very Raiders of the Lost Ark. Geez, people, how can you miss a target that colorful? Or large? She bumps into Marc and Amanda who have blow darts – I hope Harrison Ford shows up soon, but 1980s Harrison Ford, not Calista Flockhart semi-douchey Harrison Ford – as Marc exclaims, “Go for her fleshy middle.” He’s got a point there, but Amanda says she’ll just aim for Betty’s cankle (kankle?).

Betty continues to run as Matt intercepts her and says, “I’ll just aim for the heart.” Well, according to you she really doesn’t have one, so WTF? Betty leans backwards Matrix-style and the arrow misses her. She takes off AGAIN and starts doing cartwheels and backflips down the hallway, ending with a handstand on the reception desk. She flips down into the reception desk and sneaks a peak up. I particularly love the people carrying pitchforks. She stands up and surrenders, but too late! She’s standing on a big net that is pulled up and has captured Piggy – I mean, Betty.

Lord of the Lies. Plus, she should be captured
for that awful shoe/sock combo.

The group parts down the middle and here comes Wilhelmina carrying a big knife. Oh, Willie, I hope that is sharp enough to cut through Betty’s gristle! Did you borrow it from Not-Nico? She steps on Betty’s glasses and crushes them, and I must know where she got those shoes, they are FAAAAB-ulous! Is that chrome around the edges?

Oh my God those shoes are so Vulcan!

“Well, boys and girls, looks like we caught ourselves a meaty one,” Willie says. No, I’m pretty sure she’s well-marbled. “Who’s in the mood for some carnitas?” Suddenly Hilda steps into the picture and says, “Betty, it did not happen like that at all.” Were you there, Hilda? It might have.

We’re transported to the living room of Casa de Hyperbole and Betty admits she may have been exaggerating a little bit. Sort of like I do when I say, “I wasn’t driving that fast,” although I applaud the fact Betty is standing on the dining room table holding a sharp knife. Now we see where Justin gets his dramatics. “But my glasses did break, look,” she says. How? From the power of the evil stares? Well, her co-workers probably were sending her some pretty nasty vibes.

Hilda suggests she take this opportunity to get some new glasses but Betty likes them since she’s been wearing them since high school. Case closed! She says she just feels like she’s under attack at work and things have gotten worse since Daniel came back. He does have that habit of botching everything he touches up. He’s like the Midas of bad karma.

The next day Amanda is telling Marc about her night out and said that the dad from Jon & Kate Plus 8, “I think his name is Ben,” and he was totally hitting on her. “And P.S., ‘plus 8,’ more like ‘plus 4,’” she says, making the size example with her fingers. Haha! Jon’s got a small dick! As if we didn’t know.

Marc looks past Amanda and sees some tall girl waving at him…Oh, it’s what’s her name from Third Rock. No, not 30 Rock, the one about the aliens. Kristen Johnson. “Uh, Blondre the Giant is over there, I think she wants to talk to you,” Marc says. Amanda says she chooses to ignore the elderly. Me too, but they are ALL OVER the roads nowadays.

Smell the fart acting in action.

Amanda rubs her hair and Blondre sees the big “G” on Amanda’s hand. Blondre shows her hand and says, “The Gates! I was there last night too.” When she walks up she scares the hell out of me with her Howard the Duck lips. Christ, take it down a notch Blondre the Collagen Injector. She asks if she saw Ben from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Excellent.

Marc says, “So sad. Old and crazy,” then he whispers, “Don’t worry, it will all be over soon!” then he takes off. Blondre and Amanda compare notes about the handsy bouncer Serge and find out they both liked it. Amanda tells Blondre she’s usually afraid of the elderly what with the reminder of death and all, but she thinks Blondre is like an old knobby shade tree. Blondre asks where Daniel “Miyagi’s” office is. She’s his new temp. Still dresses better than Betty. Instead, Amanda takes her to the closet so they can steal clothes and not answer any phones.

Daniel is trying to staple some papers and seeing how that is beyond his dexterity skill, he throws the stapler at an unsuspecting IKEA couch. Betty attempts to talk to Daniel about what happened but he cuts her off by talking about how “stoked” he is to be back, being involved and helping her. He asks if she’s ready for her big pitch meeting because guess what?!?! He’s decided to be involved with that. Does he even really have a job there anymore or is it more ceremonial?

She finally tells him, look, thanks, but she doesn’t want to get a reputation for being “Daniel’s girl.” Well someone’s going to have to take that spot since his former girl is just a pile of ashes. “Who the hell is calling you ‘Daniel’s girl,’” he asks angrily. Betty explains no one is (yet), but she doesn’t want it to seem like she’s the teacher’s pet she so totally is, and Daniel says he felt like when his dad, mother, and sister all worked there, he was worried that people would think he got preferential treatment. Uh, you did, dumbass. In fact, that’s the ONLY reason you got the job – nepotism.

Daniel says he’ll keep his distance and tells her good luck as he hugs her and everyone sees. I would probably hate Betty too. Wait…I DO! She’s such a milquetoast.

“Glitter cleavage?” Wilhelmina asks. How does this magazine stay in business? “I thought you were better than that. No…go…I can’t even look at you. Well, I think we can agree the beauty department really crapped the sheets.” Oh, Willie, how hilariously vulgar of you.

Since Betty is the newest features editor (ASSOCIATE EDITOR), Matt thinks she must be dying to pitch. D’oh! Betty stands up and begins to talk about the insect jewelry and Willie stops her because her arch rivals over at Elle did a piece on dragonfly broaches a year ago. NEXT! “Is someone not doing their homework?” She says she wants an original idea, which is sort of funny since it wasn’t Betty’s in the first place.

“Now Betty, for the first time in my life, I want bigger from you,” Willie says. “What do you have?” Uh, I’m guessing that was it. She starts going through all of her folders and notes and she’s thinking about malaria and netting and so on. Panic! She brings up malaria again.

Betty’s idea is that they get a designer to make dresses out of the netting being used for a U.N. initiative called “Nothing But Net” unless maybe I’m confusing the U.N. with the NBA…blah, blah, blah, basically it’s a designer making dresses out of U.N. netting material to which Willie agrees and again I ask how does this magazine stay in business?

Willie leaves to go home and some greasy looking Sopranos knockoff looks menacingly after her. Where the hell is security? No wonder Connor was able to walk out the door with all that money. He catches up with her outside the building and introduces himself as someone who is looking into the disappearance of Jonathan Vieja, Not-Nico’s boyfriend. Oh crap.

I’m a combination of greasy and swarthy,
but you’d still go slumming with me.

Here’s what’s creepy. Wilhelmina doesn’t seem surprised that Jonathan is missing but instead asks if he’s with the police. He’s not, he’s a private investigator hired by the family. The U.S. police don’t think he’s on U.S. soil anymore but the family thinks he is. He wants to talk to Not-Nico about that last time she saw Jonathon – I’m guessing he was a bloody mess. Willie no-likey but she agrees to it.

Back at Casa de Pissed Teenager, Justin isn’t talking to Hilda because she told Marc he couldn’t talk to Justin. I know, teenager stuff is sooo dramatic. Hilda throws the teenage right back and says she’s mad at Justin for not telling her about the school bullies. “He told you?!” Justin spats. She tries to tell him that she knows how hard it is to be in high school, especially being pregnant and “going to classes…okay, skipping classes.” No shit, especially sex ed.

“That has nothing to do with me,” Justin says. Hilda says she does and that he can talk to her, but he says, “You don’t understand me at all.” Dude, everyone knows you’re gay and I’m pretty sure they’re okay with it, otherwise they would have been forcing you to throw a football like hetero-dead-dad, but even he came around. Justin runs upstairs and slams the door. I miss those days!

Exasperated teen storming away from exasperated mother.
Way to push the envelope, writers.

Betty is on the phone telling someone they hate mosquitoes, Mode hates mosquitoes, etc. Meeeeegan comes up to Betty’s desk with a box and begins packing up Betty’s non-code items like bunny. “Wow, looks like you are going to make that U.N. thing happen,” she says. Betty wants to know what she’s doing. “You still have some office décor violations. I thought I’d help out.” See, this is where I would jump up, call her something foul like I did last week, and tear her face off. Betty slams her hand down on Meegan’s and says, “I can take care of it.” Oh my God, did Betty get a loaner spine in the past 10 minutes? Meegan makes bitchface.

“Really?” Betty says to the phone. “We were thinking sometime next week?” Yes, because I’m sure the U.N. could make room for you in their offices that quickly without some kind of anal security check. Look how quickly (and efficiently!) they handle everything else. You’d be lucky to have this happen before last rites. “Tomorrow?” Betty says. Oh, Bettyland time, I wish I had that during the week so I could just speed from weekend to weekend.

Betty goes to Matt, bypassing bitchy assistant, and tells him she knows he hates her, but she has “an eensy-weensy little problem.” Yes, it’s your verbal maturity. Get back to being Daniel’s assistant or a pre-school teacher, same diff in terms of dealing with kids. “The U.N. shoot has to happen tomorrow.” Sometimes this show, I tell ya…

Talk to the hand, bitch, I banged him first. I think.

However, she has also already booked international models and she’s talked to Roberto DiPaolo who agreed to design the dresses even with the tight turnaround…of 24 hours. Because apparently he’s on Project Runway. Christ.

Matt, continuing to be a douche, says, “So he thought he signed up for something long-term and it turned out to be short-term.” I know that’s a dig at Betty, but one, if the designer was doing this for the upcoming issue, that long-term timeframe was probably 30 days and two, think about all the women you banged and see if they signed up for short-term or shorter-term.

Well, if this is going to happen by tomorrow, she needs the help of the entire department. Oh, I’m so sure they are going to be thrilled with this. Also, seriously? I feel like canceling this show MYSELF it reaches the edge of stupidity so many times. Don’t make me be a hater. Don’t!

Matt starts to whine like the little bitch he is and Betty’s all like, “Don’t make this be about me, think about what’s best for the magazine.” She has a point. Matt agrees and continues to dickwad his way through his day by pulling the department together and saying basically, hey, everyone, teacher’s pet needs us to drop everything we are doing to help on her project. No offense, but this is sort of Willie’s project once she gave it the go, so if it gets screwed up, she’s going to come after all of you, not just Betty. I think.

Betty gives them a pep talk about how there is no “I” in team. I was once given that speech by someone until I pointed out that there was an “I” in bitch. Of course, I did it at the lunch table where she was nowhere in earshot because she outranked me, but you know, I made my point. Betty tells everyone to expect to be here late, but, “Good news is, coffee’s on me!” She raises her hand for a high five but gets low stares.

Her phone rings and it’s building security. Turns out Daniel is out front tearing a Tahiti sign off a bus station sign. Betty, all you have to say is, “No hablo ingles” and hang up. Hang up! Have them call his mommy instead.

Wow, Mr. Miyagi is really waxing on and waxing off right now.

Back at Molly’s dorm, Daniel explains that he and Molly were supposed to go to Tahiti for their honeymoon. Betty is there making tea instead of, you know, working on HER project. Betty said he is surrounded by things that remind him of Molly, you know, like Molly’s apartment. He says, “How could I have been so stupid!” as he slams his fist down on the coffee table.

Betty suggests he not hit things anymore and that they need to find him another place to stay. Where is Claire with all of this? Banging Hartley again? Daniel says he was just cranky and he hadn’t seen his temp all day. How is that possible, she’s taller than the building. Betty asks if there is anything else she can do. She says he shouldn’t be alone so she could call his mother, which Daniel says not to do.

“Daniel, you’re crying,” Betty says. He says it’s allergies, then turns, hits his knee on something, then begins to kick all of Molly’s furniture, picks up a planter and goes to throw it when he sees Betty. He admits he hasn’t been sleeping “at all” and that he’s a little “on edge.” A little? Also, dorm room mattresses suck. “I’m used to being in the room with someone…and without that…it’s pretty quiet.” Why not go back to your playboy days? Wasn’t so quiet with the revolving bedroom door you once had.

I’m just testing my steel-toed Manolos.

Betty calls Matt and everyone is working on the project except her. She tells Matt she has to stay with Daniel. “What a shock, you’re bailing on something I thought was important to you….for Daniel…of course,” he says. Talk about a hostile work environment. She says she’ll be there as soon as she can, but Matt – and I hate the fact I agree with him – says this is her concept and her project, so wouldn’t it be peachy-keen if she freakin’ showed up for it. Those might be my words and not his.

“Yeah Betty, thanks a bunch,” Meegan snots into the phone. She asks Matt to run it until she gets there. “I guess your new job can’t compete with your old one,” he says. Well, that was a 24/7 job and it’s probably hard to adjust.

However, Betty’s idea of working from Daniel’s place is playing Scrabble with him, ordering Chinese food, watching TV, all while being on the phone and computer. She falls asleep. Good luck on that next promotion – wonder who will have to die for that to happen.

We hear a phone ring and Blondre answers it, telling the person to hold. Amanda pops up out of nowhere and says, “You hung up on them, right?” Blondre says being a receptionist was the best 20 years of her life, especially being the face of the company. I just spit out coffee.

“So why’d you give it up?” Amanda asks. Blondre says it wasn’t so much that she gave it up as much as “one day, people decided…you know what? You’ll find out,” she tells Amanda. Amanda begs her to tell her what happened. “There comes a time when people decide they don’t want yours to be the first face people see anymore.” Yut-oh. Amanda is like what the hell do you do then? “This!” Blondre says.

“I still do as little work as possible, I go out every night, meet people…I’m not worried. Someone will marry me. Or make me part of their entourage. Or make a reality show about me. It’s all good. I gotta tinks,” she says, taking off.

Back at Casa de Papi Ain’t Getting Much Airtime, Papi says Justin really isn’t talking to him. Hilda has created an online profile named Bella and she’s trying to friend Justin. She thinks that’s her way in. Don’t be surprised when Justin offs himself because he realizes he’s been telling his hopes and dreams to his mother. “Hilda, this is not a Hilary Duff movie,” Papi says. He knows about them how? Justin made him watch.

The funny thing is, I can’t pay attention to Hilda because her earrings are completely upstaging her. They are huge gold diamond-shaped things with dangly pearls or something and they are so long they hit her neck and make noise and shake all over and I can’t stop watching them they are totally mesmerizing and Papi says something soothing but I have no idea what it was and the remote is too far away to rewind.

Papi, I’d listen to your sage advice, but I’m too
busy listening to a smooth jazz station.
The reception from these earrings is amazing!

Oh, great, Not-Nico (and Not-Actress) is freaking out in Wilhelmina’s apartment. She doesn’t want to talk to the detective because she doesn’t want to remember it. We flash back to the whole story…turns out she was on the boat with Jonathan, something set him off, he grabbed Not-Nico and “hit her a couple of times,” and we see Willie looking at her arms that have finger print bruises on them. Not-Nico grabbed something metal off the boat and kept hitting him over and over again until he died and she pushed him over the edge into the water. “And he didn’t come up.” Seems like you could have gone to the police over that one, but what fun would that be? Back to the now, Willie tells Not-Nico not to worry because they will invent a new story for that night. Whatever.

You do have to admit, Not-Nico’s new nose is adorable.

Back at the dorm room, Betty snaps awake and it’s 5 past nine. Sweet. Doing the walk of shame, she heads over the U.N. for the photo shoot she thought of but didn’t really help with. She apologizes for being late but it looks like the shoot is up and running. Turns out it is problems galore! I know! I’m shocked as much as you are!

Somebody’s been using the nose hair clippers
she got for Christmas!

Roberto DiPaolo is threatening to walk just like most of the Ugly Betty viewers, although he keeps saying everything is fine. His weasely assistant says, “Roberto is NOT happy.” Betty says he seemed fine but Weasel says, “He hired me to be unhappy for him.” I totally need one of those!

Do you know any tall women with fish lips I can date?
I haven’t gotten any in awhile. For obvious reasons.

Back at Willie’s house of horrors, Investigator turns on a recorder and begins interrogating Willie and Not-Nico. “Take me through what you were doing the night of your boyfriend’s disappearance,” he says. Not-Nico stares at the recorder and doesn’t say a word. Willie prompts her to speak. “We have no secrets,” she says.

Then the camera shoots the scene from above and Willie’s right – no secrets. Not-Nico isn’t wearing any pants! What the hell? You can see right through the glass table and girlfriend is either wearing short short-shorts or she’s distracting Investigator with some va-jay-jay. That’s just crazy enough to work!

I’m more interested in the mystery of your missing pants!

Not-Nico says that she and her mother were both somewhat depressed. She says Jonathan had just dumped her, Willie had just lost a child (at the supermarket), and Willie interjects that they just wanted to spend some time together. Not-Nico says they went to see The Proposal, “how we laughed and cried,” Willie says, then Not-Nico continues that they went to Serendipity for hot chocolate, then they came home and watched a Gilmore Girls marathon. You’d better hope one was on that night, that would be pretty easy to check.

While they are explaining their girls’ night out, we see scenes of Willie and Not-Nico cleaning up the blood on the boat, getting rid of the thing used to bludgeon Jonathan, and I continue to wonder how they were not seen doing this. Willie brings up how fast the women on Gilmore Girls talk and Not-Nico says, “It makes me dizzy and I just stopped being seasick,” and Investigator is why were you seasick? D’oh! Not-Nico stammers. Willie covers by saying they took a water taxi to see the city. So many things that could be checked, shame on you Willie. Even the Keystone Cops could solve this one.

Jesus, how many people did she actually kill?

Back at the U.N., Meegan says, “Yeah, I did Paolo’s contracts, that is what you asked me to do.” Hope you involved the lawyers, dumbass. Turns out he needed some kind of fun-sized chocolates in the green room and Meegan is all like, I put the contract together, I ain’t going shopping and Betty’s like I thought you would just know and Meegan’s all like it’s great you thought this shoot would come together without you guiding it but suck it, bitch.

“No one is your friend,” Meegan says, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” How did this woman get as far as she did without Willie eating her liver? She’s just awful. “I would have given you this advice while we were working late, but…where were you again?” Don’t make me agree with her, Betty.

At the shoot, stupid international models are arguing. “I know you asked Suzanne to book international models,” Meegan says, “but did you ask her to book interpreters too?” Oh, please, I would totally fire this whole staff. Chaos reigns.

Back at Mode, Amanda is complaining to Marc that she worried she’s going to turn into Blondre if she doesn’t step it up at work. “I always assumed things would come to me because I’m pretty,” Amanda says. “But what if they don’t come to me and I have to go to things.” Oh, Amanda. She tells Marc she thinks she wants more than this. Well, the first part of solving a problem is admitting you have one. So she decides to send the phones to voicemail and go drink her face off. Sounds like just another Wednesday for me.

Oh good, look who’s back – Hilda! She wants to talk to Marc about Justin. She wants to know how to get Justin to start talking to her again. My suggestion: do what every parent of a teenager does, wait 5 or 6 years until they become human again and go from there.

I swear, Hilda, I am NOT dating your jailbait son! Yet.

“He only came to me because he wants to talk to someone who understands him,” Marc says. Meaning someone who is GAY! Hilda’s like I totally understand him and Marc’s like, yeah, Rosie Perez, there are a couple of areas “where I have an edge.” Like being GAY. They agree that Justin can talk to Marc again, but if it’s something big, you know, like being GAY, Hilda wants Marc to let her know. By the way, I think Justin is GAY. Mostly because I’ve never missed an episode and the kid is GAY. Too bad ABC never actually comes out and says it. Wusses!

Back at the photo shoot…oh my God who cares! Stupid international models are arguing and the translator they find at the U.N. (go figure) tells Betty it’s because one of them snogged the other’s boyfriend. Yawn. Oh, to liven things up, Daniel drops by.

Out of the corner of her eye, Betty sees them wheeling in a huge mosquito. Because those are available with 24 hours notice. “Where did that thing come from? This is a photo shoot about malaria,” Betty says. “Which is caused by mosquitoes,” Matt says. Pure creative genius. He’ll be off doing something else in 2 weeks.

HAHAHAHA! Malaria is hilarious!
Well, it’s one way to keep the models thin.

Here’s the other.

Betty’s like, why is the mosquito smiling, is it happy it caused malaria? Probably. He reminds her this is her concept – mosquitoes, malaria, “but also happy, remember you said happy?” So they argue about the pros and cons of happy and angry mosquitoes and Matt’s all up in her business about not being a the creative concept meetings. Dude, you’re her boss, so chances are good her screw-ups are going to reflect badly on you. Manage your team, not your dick.

Betty reminds him that she was helping Daniel and Matt says, “That’s why you have a smiling mosquito.” Dude, you know Daniel’s above you and there are probably 30 people waiting in line to take your job and Meegan’s job and so on and so on until you all are in the unemployment line (or in Matt’s case, at his mommy’s mansion). “This is so typical of you, you make a commitment then totally abandon it,” he says. I’d be at HR first thing the next morning with a smiling attorney. Just as irritating as mosquitoes, but more cash value.

Then Matt totally crosses the line. He reminds Betty that he is her boss, not Daniel, so she shouldn’t have been out all night with him. Then he says, “And what were you doing all night, you two sleeping together now?” Like Daniel’s going to take your sloppy seconds, dude. Then out of nowhere comes Daniel’s fist, which finds Matt’s face. About time!

Wait a minute! He didn’t even touch him!
Faker! Faker! Boilermaker!

OH MY GOD SHUT THOSE MODELS UP AND WHO IS TAKING PICTURES WHEN NOBODY IS POSING PLEASE STOP THOSE FLASHES FROM GOING OFF. Jesus, where are the writers for this show?

Betty is trying to calm down the models, she’s apologizing to the designer, makeup artists are screaming at each other, happy mosquito is being ripped apart, dogs and cats are living together – no, wait, that’s Ghostbusters.

We hear banging and Willie is at the podium hammering it with…what is that, a vibrator? Anyway, she screams, “What the hell is going on here?” Uh, amateur hour, sponsored by Daniel? “I can explain,” Betty says. Can you? “I don’t know why I asked that,” Willie says, “I don’t even care.” Neither do the viewers!

Does anyone have an econo-pack of double D batteries?

“Your shoot is falling apart. Your shoot for MY magazine,” she says. “It’s my magazine too,” Daniel says. What does he even do there besides walk around and open mail? She’s the Editor in Chief, right? No co-editor, no assistant editor, THE editor. Shove it Daniel. Get back to Death at Grief House and shut the hell up.

“Then start acting like it!” Willie says to him. “You’re punching out your employees…even I know better than to do that in public.” Me too – behind closed bathroom doors is much better. “I’m throwing you both out.” Awesome. She also wants to lose the “ridiculous mosquito” to which Matt says, “That was Betty’s idea.” I bet your dad can beat up yours and the sidewalk is government property, too!

Daniel refuses to be thrown out. He says, “If you mess with Betty, you mess with me,” then he turns and looks at everyone else there and says, “That goes for every single one of you!” Smooth. They are really going to like her now. Betty turns to Willie and says, “We’ll leave.” She tells Daniel dude, you just assaulted somebody, they could have you arrested, so let’s high-tail it out of here. Which they do.

Betty apologizes to Willie and Willie says she had hoped Betty was changing. “Obviously, I was wrong.” Or obviously you shouldn’t put a new associate features editor in charge of the magazine’s key photo shoot in her first week, and you shouldn’t have let her former boyfriend and now boss create such a hostile work environment, and you shouldn’t have let Daniel come back from Tibet, ever!

Back at Casa is This Storyline Over Yet, Hilda sits with Justin on the sofa and asks how things at school are going. He says fine, the way teenagers do. She tells him it’s okay if he wants to talk Marc from now on, but she’s his mother and loves him and worries about him, yadda yadda. Touching and let’s move on.

Walking back to the office, Betty tells Daniel he shouldn’t have hit Matt. I disagree and it was totally awesome to see, but in a legal sense, she’s right. Not that Betty didn’t enjoy it. She tells Daniel she’s worried about him because he’s so…”Angry?” he says. He says he is angry he couldn’t help Molly so when Betty needed his help, he felt like finally he was in a position to help someone, even if it was someone who looked like a Muppet.

You could commit suicide. Lord knows your career has.

“I think you need to talk to someone,” Betty says to Daniel. Yeah, like your agent, and I wouldn’t waste too much time.

He tells her he thinks she made a mistake by helping him instead of doing her job. “You’re not my assistant anymore,” he says. THEN STOP CALLING HER EVERY TIME YOU NEED TO PEE! Oh my God, seriously? You are blaming her for helping you when you asked for her help? You are going to need a team of therapists on this one.

He says things are changing, she says she doesn’t want them to change (then you shouldn’t have switched jobs), and he concern is that she doesn’t want to lose who she is. Honey, look at yourself. You are dressing just as badly as you did three years ago when you started. You haven’t lost who you are.

But then Daniel ruins my theory and says that she’s not the same person she was three years ago, she’s already changed, and now they’re not boss and assistant anymore. They’re friends. Worst friends ever!

Back at home, Betty’s looking at the blog about her and the title of the outfit they are showing is, “Schnabel painting explodes.” HAHAHA, awesome. Marc is a genius. She’s scrolling through the pictures and whining. Hilda comes in and sets down a basket of beauty goodies – she’s back from her first house call and is likening herself to a doctor. Yeah, the co-pay is just much lower.

Although in looking at your outfit, seems like instead being a doctor
you were playing doctor. Very professional.

Betty looks at herself in the mirror in Hilda’s basket and takes off her glasses…which come apart where she’s taped them together. Hilda asks if Betty wants her to cut her bangs and Betty looks at the card Christina sent wishing her luck in her new job, and she says no. She sweeps them to the side and says she might try something different.

Is it just me, or did everyone else expect
Betty’s brow to be more sloped?

We see a close-up of Betty pulling her bangs aside and clearly someone has finally used a weed-whacker on her eyebrows. Then we see Betty putting on some new glasses that I though looked suspiciously like her old ones, but maybe they’re designer now, who knows. We see her adjusting a butterfly pin on the Golden Girls jacket Christina sent her. There’s a new sheriff in town!

Elevator doors open and we see those ugly gladiator-like strapped shoes in bright yellow, plus Capri-pants (never a good look on anyone, particularly a short and somewhat plump associate features editor), but the jacket, blouse with French cuffs, belt and low-profile but brightly colored briefcase make Betty look pulled together. Her bangs are pulled to the side and she looks pretty put together and it only took THREE YEARS.

That’s right bitches. Not stinking right now? My shit.

For whatever reason, they are doing a photo shoot at Mode right in the lobby area outside of the elevators and I am sick of all that flashing. Jesus, I hope they don’t have anyone with epilepsy there, talk about a lawsuit.

Everyone is looking at Betty because they had no idea she could clean up so well. Amanda says there’s something different. “You got your braces off,” she says, as Betty smiles and shows that no, she still has them on. “Oh, you shaved,” she says. Marc comes up behind her to take another picture but d’oh! She looks halfway decent. Doesn’t mean you can’t make fun of people, Marc.

Betty walks by Blondre who is leaving because they fired her. She’s picking up “her stuff” which pretty much means she’s stealing. Amanda gives her the earpiece off her own ear, which…gross.

In Matt’s office, she says, “I’m sorry that Daniel hit you.” Matt says he is too. Nice band aid, pussy. She’s sorry the U.N. shoot fell apart, she takes full responsibility even though let’s face it, she was semi-sabotaged. Matt sure signs a lot of papers, he must be very important.

Betty tells Matt she will always regret what happened between them, but in my opinion she got out just in time. This guy turned out to be a douche, plus with the sexoholicism, she was just going to end up being buddies with Tea Leoni, am I right?

“I made a mistake and I can’t change it,” she says, “but I have to move on now. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am and I’m not about to give up.” She forgets to add, “Because of some douchey-doucherson who acts like a three year old and is bad in bed,” but I think it’s implied. She also tells him that Daniel won’t be interfering anymore. “I can fight my own battles,” she says.

“So next time, you’re going to hit me?” Matt asks. She smiles and says, “Yeah.” Guess that loaner spine is now a purchase. Matt stares at her. You should, dude, she looks like she has freakish upper-body strength. You may not come back from a Betty punch.

Back at Willie’s lair, she’s on the phone saying she wants to get to the bottom of “this mystery” as much as Investigator does. She tells Not-Nico they got away with it, but they can’t let their guard down. The scene cuts over to the boat…closer…closer…damn! They missed a spot of blood! That still is awfully bright and wet-looking. You’d think by now it would have dried, but whatever. Methinks I see a cross-over with CSI: New York. This should be an easy one for Lieutenant Dan! He got his sea legs working on that shrimping boat, you know.

Betty walks into her shared office and Meegan says she signed for a delivery for Betty. “I hope it’s nothing illegal,” she says. Eat me. Betty is all excited and says she finally found fashion-related décor for their office. She hangs the picture on the wall and it’s her framed Guadalajara poncho from three years ago. Nice of the costume department to have kept it.

“That’s fashion-related?” Meegan asks. “Mm-hmm,” Betty answers. Nice of her to hang it on the wall closest to Meegan.

And we’ve come full-circle.
These two will be BFFs by the end of the season. Not.

Later that night, Betty’s leaving work and Daniel asks if she needs a ride. She says she gets her own town car which she gets into and smiles as the driver takes her to Queens. It is a new day for our little Betty. Let’s see how long it lasts.

Next week? Betty is sabotaged! Go figure. Until then, you can check me out on Toddlers & Tiaras. Well, I’m not on it, I recap it. Maybe that’s what Betty needs – a tiara!