Ugly Betty: The Return of a Good Episode!

Just when you thought it wasn’t safe to watch Ugly Betty, they kick out an excellent episode! In fact, there was one scene where I actually laughed out loud. I know! The show is fighting it’s way back to Thursday with an episode called “The Wiener, The Bun and the Boob.” It’s like Girls Gone Wild, ABC-Family Style.

Holy crap! It’s Betty in male form!

We open this episode with a motley crew of 6 Daniel assistant wannabes staring at Betty and Daniel through the glass wall. My first question is what the hell kind of HR department has everyone show up at once for an interview? What a waste of everyone’s time. “What a motley looking group,” Daniel says. I already said that. Betty’s vote is for Gavin which is the male version of her. Betty makes Daniel promise to pick someone good, so you know he won’t. Then he gives her a big pile of crap to work on.

Betty continues to get piled on by person after person after person. She’s swamped! Walking past reception Amanda says, “Wow, look at that giant pile,” and Marc says, “Yeah, and it’s carrying all those papers.” Yeah, you’re filing the receptionist’s nails, so you might want to knock it down a notch, assistino!

Betty, did you let one fly? Dial down the bean burritos!

Betty ignores them and Marc asks if now that she’s a big fancy editor, she won’t talk to the little people. “Oh I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over your loud shirt,” she says as Marc gasps. “Fashion-smack by Suarez,” Amanda says. “Unexpected.” That’s for damn sure, especially after last season’s fashion-o-rama. Marc’s like, what’s up with the ‘tude and Betty tells him she’s tried to be nice to him but since her promotion all Marc’s done is be mean and tried to sabotage her, “So I’m done with you.” Oh, that has to hurt, Marc.

Walking away, Betty smashed into Matt’s ears and drops all of her files. Under Amanda’s unusually watchful eye, Matt helps Betty pick up the files while asking her if she has any ideas for the upcoming issue. Her concept is the “unsung heroes of New York – people who do the toughest jobs and we could showcase their uniforms,” she says. Not a bad idea. Matt loves it. Betty says, “I’m really glad that we…” “Yeah, me too,” Matt says. Is make-my-toes-curl Matt on the way back with the good writing? Toes crossed!

Matt walks up to the reception desk and Amanda tells him his haircut makes his hair look so healthy she wants to pull it, which she does – hard. “That kinda hurts,” he says. Secretly he enjoyed it! She hands him his messages and he leaves. Oh my God that bitch! is totally in love with him! Super love triangle – I say bring it!

“Oh my God Mandy, you were like five seconds away from flipping his omelet right here on the desk!” Marc says. Has she started cooking school? Because an omelet bar is exactly what that place needs! “Please, kissing him would be like kissing Betty,” she says. They both gag, mostly because they are thinking of Betty’s facial hair!

Claire sees Betty in the hallway and says Daniel wants her to come meet the new assistant. “Is it Gavin?” she asks. “I don’t think so,” Claire says knowingly. Great, he hired a piece of ass. And there she is, all 20 feet of her. Although I have to say that belt makes her short-wasted.

When did Mode start free-ranging giraffes?

Betty introduces herself and Boobs says, “I’m Lexie. Like sexy.” Yeah, you’re fired. But it’s good to see Daniel getting back to normal. Betty offers to help her and Boobs says, “I know how things work.” Super!

Daniel swears looks had nothing to do with it, and he might be right because maybe his eyes never made it from her chest to her face. Betty’s like, bitch ain’t so friendly and Daniel says maybe she’s intimidated by Betty. “I told her she had some pretty big shoes to fill,” Daniel says. Yeah, size 11 and 13 for the left and right feet respectively.

More tiring than murdering someone? Discussing it ad naseum.

At Wilhelmina’s lair, Not-Nico enters the apartment to Willie’s, “Where the hell have you been?” song and dance. Oh, man, we’ve all been there. Not-Nico asks, “Can’t I go out for some frozen yogurt?” and Willie says she can as long as she can go a couple of weeks without murdering any boyfriends. Damn, I hope your apartment isn’t wired.

Willie bitches that all she wants Not-Nico to do is stay put, but wouldn’t that look suspicious to anyone watching them? Why would Not-Nico Not-go out unless she had something to hide? Willie says it won’t happen again because from now on, “you won’t leave my side.” Not even for the bathroom? Ick.

Over at Casa de 21st Century, Papi is setting up his email. Justin tells him to input his password and his email will magically appear. “What’s my password again?” Papi asks, and the family says altogether, “Ignacio Rules.” Heh. He knows, he just likes to hear it. “Welcome to 1993,” Hilda says and I have to second that. Betty says Hilda’s in a mood and Hilda motions for them to go to the kitchen. They must need to talk about Tampax.

In the kitchen, Hilda talks about how she never gets to see Archie anymore because he’s so busy campaigning. Archie, Tampax – same diff. “I’ll tell you one neighborhood he isn’t canvassing,” Hilda says, and both Betty and I barf. Hilda is worried that without passion their relationship might fizzle out. Have you forgotten to wax on/wax off lately? Maybe that’s the problem, Hilda (and by they way, that joke is NEVER going to get old).

Back at Mode, Wilhelmina says, “Margaret, I know you hate your life, but does everything you pick out have to be so dreary?” Oh my God, my company’s entire accounting department must be suicidal! She tosses Margaret and team out of her office. Willie really is surrounded by a bunch of incompetent boobs.

Who the hell hired Sylvia Plath?

Marc is in her office and says that he heard through a very long grapevine that Hartley and Claire were having dinner with Isabelle Besset from French Elle. “Word is she’s replacing you,” Marc says, wondering what they are going to do. “Blackmail?” Willie admits she’s tried to get dirt on Isabelle for years but never could. Willie steps out of character and decides to show them she’s a team player. She’s going to kill them with kindness. Well, as long as someone dies, I’m in.

Marc, horrified that Willie’s being nice, offers to give her some space. “Some time so you can hatch up something else,” he says. “Speaking of things you’ve hatched, Not-Nico is here.” Willie says she brought her here to learn about fashion and for Marc to grab her a chair. Sitting with her would be fun for about 15 minutes, then Marc would have to kill her. Ah, the circle of life.

Betty shows up to ask Wilhelmina to sign off on a temporary assistant for her while Willie is trying to listen to Marc’s conversation with Not-Nico. He’s asking about her boyfriend and Willie solves two problems with one assistant…she gives Marc to Betty for the time being. Ouch, that has to hurt. Both of them. Willie re-assigned Marc to Betty for a few days and Marc has a very quiet stroke.

The moment the blood vessel in his temple burst.

Marc pisses up a rope about being Betty’s assistant and wonders if Willie is punishing him for the Isabelle info. Willie brings up two good points – Not-Nico needs to learn how to man the desk (for what reason is that?) and Marc is always asking for more editorial responsibility, now here it is in Betty form. Willie says she doesn’t want to hear another word about it. Marc turns to look at Betty and begins to mouth what looks like, “I’m going f#ck you up,” I’m guessing, but Willie screams, “I SAID GET OUT!” just as Marc begins the f-word. Ha!

Walking out of the office, Betty says, “Very mature!” Marc yells back that he is not getting her coffee and that he could have been an editor at Vogue. “Dante Nelli Jr. offered me a job, a man so fabulous he wears a caftan every day of the year!” What?!?! It would be awesome if turned out to be Nathan Lane, he’s got caftan written all over him.

Daniel walks out of his office and tells Lexie he’s going to have lunch in the cafeteria with his friend Natalie…oh, Faux Helena. Lexie is like, “Bitch, I’m on the phone!” She complains to the person on the phone that her new boss is yabbering (yabbering?) on about something. She’s really sweet.

In the cafeteria, Willie is wearing sunglasses in the cafeteria because she thinks only sad people eat there. “Hello, hello,” says Claire who is walking over to their table with Hartley. They sit down and Willie introduces them to Not-Nico. Hartley jokes about Willie eating with “the commoners” and she laughs that she’d bust a rib if she hadn’t had them all removed. Ha! And ew!

Is Claire wearing Hartley’s kidney stones around her neck?

Cal has a great idea for the magazine…Vampires! He says they are all the rage (translation: overexposed – get back in your coffins!). He wants Willie to put a vampire on the cover of the magazine. Too bad Leona Helmsley is dead. Willie is horrified. The idea is “Gothic Gotham – keep the cover girls but give them some fangs,” Claire says. Willie smiles like the dog poo smells great. “Wilhelmina Slater is and always will be a team player,” which should be the first indication that she’s full of shit.

Raise your hand if, like me, you ever wear this face at work…
NO DON’T – we may change the gravitational pull of the earth!

Over on the other side of the cafeteria, Daniel is having lunch with Natalie who says she is crazy for tater tots. Honey, who isn’t? Deep-fried carbs? Bring it! She looks like a vintage store barfed on her. She’s telling Daniel about this speaker she thinks is really good, someone who helps you “deal,” and oh guess what? He’s speaking THAT afternoon about losing loved ones. Doesn’t anybody work a full day anymore?

Back in Betty’s office, she and Marc are working when Betty gets a call from Hilda which Marc shushes. Hilda, at home dresses in fishnets, heels, fingerless gloves, and a red and black bustier – because how else do you cut hair? – asks Betty is she knows where her superhero costume boots are. Why? Because she’s going to text her politician boyfriend a sexy picture of herself. This can only turn out well. Hilda really should get a job that keeps her BUSY during the day.

Finally! Hilda finds a job where she can use her talents – phone sex!
Talk about a cash cow!

Marc says that while she was on her personal call, he finished the trends column. Well good for you, sucka! Marc sighs heavily. He says not only does he get to see fashionless Betty promoted above him, but then she has to rub her “ineptitude” in his face. He does have a point. Betty says she doesn’t want to continue to have this conversation with Marc. “Daniel and Wilhelmina picked me for a reason,” she says. Yeah, because the coin came up in your favor.

“YEAH!” Marc shouts. “Daniel’s name is on the building and you two are lovaaahs,” Marc says. Betty says she has half a mind to go into Daniel’s office and put an end to this once and for all. Don’t do it, Betty, DON’T! “I would love to see the look on your face when they say they picked me because they thought I’d be a better editor than you.” Or because they were both too drunk to make a decision and instead used a quarter.

In Daniel’s office, he’s a smooth-tongued as ever as he tries to explain that they were both qualified. “Just give us the truth,” Betty says. “Your vote trumped Wilhelmina’s, right?” Marc says. Wilhelmina, who has entered Daniel’s office, says, “Why are you sparing their feelings, Daniel?” She looks at them. “We tossed a coin. You got your job Betty because you were…” she pauses. “…tails.” No shit. Marc’s face lights up as Betty whips around and looks accusingly at Daniel, who in turns looks like he just swallowed a frog. When word of this gets out, Meeegan is going to be all up in Betty’s shiz.

Marc shows his O-face over Betty’s tail. Or something like that.

Betty’s less pissy than I thought she would have been with Daniel. He says it was the only way to break the impasse; Betty says the only thing keeping her going was thinking they thought she was right for the job. Daniel says she is but no way buying it.

“Hey tails,” Marc says saddling up to Betty. “I am SO GLAD we cleared that up. You’re not better than me, you’re just lucky. You’re nothing more than tails, the buttocks of a quarter!” Heh.

They bump into Matt who asks how her article is going. She says she’s lined up some interviews. Matt suggests while she’s down there, she should see if they will let her do some of the jobs. Marc suggests she also wearing the clothing and get pictures of it and Matt loves the idea. “Some of us just know how to think like an editor,” he says. Betty asks for her message which Marc produces in fan form.

Back at Casa de Bad Judgment, Hilda asks Karate Councilman if he got the picture she sent him. “Yes, I got it,” he says, “and so did everyone else!” Rut-roh! Turns out Hilda hit reply-all on his campaign email and the picture went to his entire email list. Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooth.

Karate Councilman goes off on her and says it’s the worst thing that could have happened right now. I would say ever. Kiss that presidential bid good-bye. While this is going on, Papi comes home and decides to check his email. Get the therapists ready!

Hilda tells Karate Councilman he has to get the email back – yes, through his magical powers! – and he’s like moron, I can’t get it back and now everyone, including the kids who volunteer for him, are opening up that picture. Well, I bet the teenage boy volunteer list increases. Along with their dads!

“Hey Hilda, I got an email from you, it’s a picture. Where are my reading glasses?” Papi says. Hilda turns and screams in slow motion, “Noooooooo!” Oh yes, Hilda, oh yes.

Back at Mode, Daniel says, “Hey Lexie, how about a cup of coffee?” and Lexie says, “No thanks.” Doyee. Daniel admits to Betty that Lexie may not be working out. Betty’s all like, duh, douchebag and Daniel reminds her that he picked her. I think your dad did to curb your enthusiasm (boo-ya) for banging your assistants. “Your father picked me,” Betty reminds him since he can’t actually hear me, “precisely so you wouldn’t do what you always do. Which is hire an assistant you want to sleep with.”

“Is that why you hired me?” Lexie says. When did she get here? “You’re disgusting,” she says, walking out. So is your eye makeup, ho-bag. Betty offers to go say something but Daniel says he’ll take care of it. Get the lawyers ready.

Daniel walks over to Lexie’s desk to apologize. He says she heard something out of context (not really) and the more she gets to know him, the more she’ll know he’s not like that. Except he totally is. He goes to reach for her shoulder, which is bare due to her lacey bustier, but still – inappropriate touching. Unfortunately, she turns to look at him and his hand grazes her right boob. He gasps, she gasps.

“What is wrong with you?” she screeches. “You dirty old man!” He tries to apologize but the only thing that comes out of Daniel’s mouth is, “Old?” Yes, old. OLD!

Back in Bettyland, Marc yells, “Tails!” He says it time for her to do the 10 worst jobs in New York City, starting with Mayor. He brings a camera along to capture these special moments…Betty driving a rickshaw, Betty picking through garbage, and Betty waxing a very hairy back (ew!). What a busy day she’s having.

How the hell does this woman gets more action than I do?

Betty stops by the “Taj Ma-hot-dog” stand where the owner serves a meat substitute hot dog. He tells Betty is seems cold but she’ll probably get pretty sticky inside the hot dog suit. Marc almost orgasms. “I’m sorry, there’s an actual hot dog suit? Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any sweeter.”

Taj Ma-hot-dog owner says, “Now which one of you is going to be the wiener and which one is going to be the bun?” Turns out it’s a two-man costume. “You can’t have a wiener without the bun,” Taj says. So true. Marc gives some attitude so Betty takes charge and says, “I’m the boss, and you’re the bun.” He really does have nice buns.

Betty walks out in her hot dog outfit and the owner says, “Please don’t eat. A hot dog eating a hot dog, it freaks out the customers.” Good point. Where is Marc? Kids come up and kick her. Rude! Here comes Marc in a bun costume that goes horizontally. Marc bitches that unlike Betty who is used to awful ensembles, he has a reputation to protect. The owner puts a hat on him. That makes the whole costume. He turns on music so they can dance. Dance wiener and bun, DANCE!

Back at Mode, they are moving forward with their vampire photo shoot. It’s awful. Claire is suggesting sharper fangs and blood on the dress. Willie agrees then shoos away the makeup artists before he does anything stupid like following Claire’s suggestions.

What the hell? Not-Nico is at some sort of kindergarten art table and manages to spill red paint everywhere. She holds up her hands and it looks like there’s blood all over them. Well, there is, isn’t there? Dun-dun-dunnnnnn!

She can’t even finger paint without someone being killed.

Not-Nico tells her mother not to get so pissy at her just because she hates the photo shoot. Willie throws back that she does blame her because if she hadn’t you know, murdered someone, Willie wouldn’t have to act like a moron to keep her job. “I’m making nice even though this vampire shoot is ridiculous.” That’s the part that Claire chooses to hear – not the murder, the cover up – the shoot. Oh, cochlear-Claire, use Q-tips to clean out those ear knobs.

“Ridiculous?” Claire repeats. “What happened to loving the concept?” Claire gives her this bullshit that they ran the idea by her because they wanted her “blunt opinion.” No you didn’t, you wanted to give her a stroke.

“How the hell can I give you an honest opinion when I know Isabelle Besset could replace me at any moment?” Willie asks. She’s got you by the oversized necklace now, Claire. “You wanna know the truth?” Willie asks, walking over to the models. “This is juvenile. Put this on the cover and it damages the brand. We set trends, we don’t follow them.” AMEN.

These models are so malnourished, the only way they
can get blood to course through their veins is if the suck it!

Claire agrees. I’m sure that didn’t cost much to set up that shoot, hire the models, the photographer, the stylists. No wonder there are vampires about – this company bleeds money! Claire says Willie now has to cut 10 pages from the magazine. What? How many chefs are in this kitchen? Then Claire says, “Wilhelmina, just do your job. While you still have it.” Okay, I’m all about good triumphing over evil, but man, that is cold. Either fire her or don’t, but stop pissing around about it.

Back at Wiener Central, Betty’s counting down, “And a five, six, seven, eight…Eat me I’m a hot dog!” and Marc says, “And I’m a whole wheat bun!” He looks like white bread if I’ve ever seen white! “Now it’s time to eat the greatest treat under the sun!” Parmesan cheese popcorn? Betty goes to jump into the bun but misses and lands in a big pile of garbage. Why did the owner set up his food cart so close to garbage and/or vermin?

Worst sexcapade ever.

“As much as I love giant wieners flying at me,” Marc says. Hold on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA awesome! “This is a little outside my comfort zone.” Betty’s pissed he didn’t even try to catch her and he says she was two full measures early. Marc bitches that she can’t count, can’t dance and “can’t edit a fashion magazine.” He storms across the street and she chases him. What I love is the people on the street watching this as it’s being filmed.

Marc starts bitching that Betty seems to get everything by sheet luck. “You have a great job, great family, multiple attractive men have wanted to date you, God knows why,” he says. “I can’t catch a break. I’m always…the bun.” Betty tries to tell him it’s not that bad and he says, “Don’t ‘Happy Betty’ me! You want to talk thankless jobs in New York City? How about being Wilhelmina Slater’s gopher. FOR FIVE YEARS.”

“I could have been an editor at a magazine that shall not be named. I could have been protégé to the most fashionable man in publishing, my style icon, Dante Nelli Junior!” And who turns around but my favorite Barefoot Contessa guest, T.R. Pescod, super-hottie and tragically for women everywhere, gay (dammit!). “Yes?” he says.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodit’shim!

Back at Mode, Claire says, “You grabbed her boob?” Like she hasn’t said that to Daniel a million times? Claire is like smooth move Ex-lax, now we can’t fire her because we’ll have a huge lawsuit on our hands. And her boob, since that’s where Daniel’s hands are.

At Casa de Political Misstep, Hilda is apologizing to Karate Councilman. Hilda says, “I didn’t think – ” and Karate Councilman says, “That’s right Hilda, you didn’t think!” Finally someone has the balls to say it, I just can’t believe it was her lovah! He tells her it’s a huge embarrassment; she says she’s embarrassed because it’s her picture everyone is talking about. He asks why she did it.

“I just wanted us to be closer,” she says. “I wanted you to be excited about us again.” Geez, she’s needier than Jennifer Aniston. “I’m sorry if I’m an embarrassment to you,” she says, walking away. Oh, Hilda, you’re an embarrassment to the entire borough of Queens.

On the streets of Little Pakistan/India/Some other outsourcing country, Marc is surprised Dante Nelli Jr. remembers him. “Of course I do. It’s not often someone refuses a job from us,” Dante says. “But you said you had to pursue your dream which apparently is…selling hot dogs?” And how!

Seriously, if he were straight, I’d move him to #2 on my list of 5.

Marc tells Dante he’s still at Mode. “They finally made you editor?” he asks Marc. Jesus, do they just hand those out left and right? Marc stutters and Dante scoffs and says, “Oh, still picking up Wilhelmina’s dry cleaning?”

Betty lies. “Actually, Marc was so valuable at Mode that we just added him to the features department. We’re doing a story right now on the hardest jobs in New York, that’s why we’re weenies.” Okay, maybe she didn’t put it quite like that.

Dante is suitably impressed. Saying he likes to stay current with up-and-coming-no-pun-intended editors, “How about brunch sometime?” Giving his card to Betty he says, “Have your assistant set it up.” Marc goes to correct him and Betty says, “I’d be happy to.” Aww. I love the love!

“You didn’t have to do that,” Marc says. She knows. “I just figured you were due for a change in luck.” Awww! Marc’s groin rings and he pulls Betty’s phone from his bun. Turns out there’s an emergency editors’ meeting at 4pm, which is like 7 minutes away. Or was it an emergency meeting of editors? That would make more sense. Unless they have an emergency editing team, which at Mode probably wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Betty grabs a cab and asks Marc for her clothes. He admits to “accidentally” trashing them because he hated her at the time. Betty goes off. “Every single time I think there is a glimmer of a decent person in there, you always prove me wrong. And now I get to go back to the office dressed as a hot dog, where everybody already thinks I’m a joke.” So why worry, would this make it worse?

This sex education movie seems somewhat suspect.

Betty tries to get into the cab, Marc tries to help her, and finally she dives in, head weenie first, lying on the back seat. She asks Marc to close the door for her and she takes off.

Oh crap. We’re at that discussion with Daniel and Natalie. Some dude is saying that we don’t have to accept that our loved ones are gone, they are with us always. Daniel snickers. “You don’t agree with me? You don’t want to be here, do you?” The guys asks. Natalie rats him out and says he doesn’t want to be here but Daniel lies and says he does. Pussy!

The speaker says he’s offering Daniel a chance at an elevated relationship with the deceased, and my thought is, how does this keep you in reality. Molly’s gone! Ashes to ashes! Dust to dust! Worm food! She ain’t coming back and thank God for that! Serves her right for drinking yak butter tea!

The speaker tells Daniel that he can only achieve that relationship with the deceased if he can be honest with himself, but he can’t even be honest with the speaker about wanting to be here. “Fine, I don’t want to be here,” Daniel says. “Congratulations. You just healed a part of yourself,” the speaker says. Is he at a Scientology meeting? Daniel snickers again, so he must be.

How can I pull out this wedgie without anyone noticing?

“You’re scoffing at that?” the speaker says. Natalie rats him out again, “He was!” She sort of looks like a rat with that tangled mess of hair, doesn’t she? “He was scoffing, he’s been doing it all day,” she says. Well, he was working earlier and you weren’t around, so how do you know he was scoffing? He was actually groping. Get you facts straight!

“Fine, yes, I was scoffing. Honestly heals? Doesn’t that sound simplistic?” The speaker says don’t underestimate simplicity. Daniel should try being honest in his daily life because it will free him up. If I were honest in my daily life, the only thing it would free me from is my job, so I’m going to take all of my honestly and push it down, down, down so it comes out my feet. It’s like being honest, just on the inside. I’ll be honest on the outside when I’m sitting on the winning lotto ticket, m’kay?

The speaker tells him if the honestly works, come back, but if not, “accept that the person you love is gone forever. And good luck with that.” Uh, she IS gone forever. Molly ain’t coming back. Once you cremate someone, they have a tendency not to reconfigure and come back, particularly when part of them is spread over Tibet and oh yeah, when they are characters in a TV show. It’s the buried ones that come back for our brains, doyee.

Amanda is looking through Mode when Matt stops by to talk. “I need to tell you something and it’s kind of a secret. Come closer…closer…” she leans towards him and they start to make out, then Matt turns into Betty who says, “Amanda, you’re such a good kisser,” and we all vomit. Amanda screams as do the ABC censors who refused to call Justin gay last week, but totally allow girl-on-girl this week. Pricks.

Delicious!

Stubble-y!

Amanda closes her eyes and shakes her head, only to re-open her eyes, see Betty as a giant weenie, and scream again. “Do you know if the editor’s meeting started yet?” she asks. Matt pops out from behind Betty, “Amanda?” Amanda screams. Heh. “Have you seen Betty?” She turns to look at him, he sizes up the weenie, and was it me or did he look turned on?

Say it ain’t so, Matt!

“Wilhelmina is cutting ten pages of content for budget. Everyone is fighting to keep their stuff in,” he says. How about stuffin’ a weenie? Betty wants to change but there’s no time! Marc shuffles Betty into the meeting.

Oh brother…Daniel asks Lexie to get the book from the art department. She walks in and tells him to get it himself since he knows how to grab things. Daniel decides this is the moment to be honest. He tells Lexie the only reason he hired her is because she’s hot. Claire has a seizure. He says she’s crazy hot and he’s a man who likes to look at beautiful women. “So, sue me,” he says. Claire asks that Lexie not sue him.

He tells Lexie she’s not right for the job. “You’re mean, impatient, you walk around like everyone’s below you, and they are because you are twenty feet tall.” He tells her she’s a bad assistant but would make a terrific model. She says she always thought she was too pretty to be a secretary but girls got mad at her for saying it out loud. She’s excited and leaves. Crisis averted through honesty. Who knew?

Sweet Christ, that monstrosity of a dress has matching pants?
Did she borrow that from Betty?

At the editor’s meeting, Wilhelmina tells someone they can’t convince her that leggings are pants and that article is out. For sure! Because they aren’t pants, I’m looking in your direction, Lindsay Lohan. Betty enters the office and Willie says, “Whatever that is, it’s cut.” Matt says Betty has the right to defend her article. Willie gives her 30 seconds, which ironically is probably how long it would take to heat a tofu dog up in the microwave.

Betty starts talking about the toughest jobs in New York and Willie says it seems a little dry – tofu’s not dry, it’s moist, Willie! Haha, moist willie!!! I’m like a 12 year old sometimes. “Maybe it could use some mustard?” Willie asks. Meh. Not as funny as moist willie. HAHAHAHA. Moist willie! Moist willie!

Willie says she doesn’t see it being in Mode. “Maybe you had to be there.” Schmaybe. “Wait, Willie!” Marc says, jumping into the scene still in bun mode. “But you could be! If we re-created it for you!” Betty’s all like WTF? and Marc says he’s saving her.

Dancing with the Stars takes a turn for the worst.

They begin their song…”Eat me, I’m a hot dog…” “And I’m a whole wheat bun…” “Now it’s time to eat the greatest treat under the sun…” “Add a squirt of ketchup for a whole lot more fun…” “Eat me, I’m a hot dog…” “Eat me I’m a bun…” “Eat uuuuuusssss.” They sing as the camera cuts over to Willie with an open mouth, Matt with an open mouth…

Too much Botox…

…or just flat out horror? You be the judge.

Betty jumps inside Marc’s whole wheat bun, and that is not – I repeat, IS NOT – a euphemism. I seriously laughed my ass off at this so long, I had to put the DVR on hold until I could stop laughing. This is the old Ugly Betty series revived. This scene made the whole season for me.

Ironically, the second time Marc has gone down on Betty this season.
She even gets it from the gays!

Wilhelmina says, “That was the most humiliating thing I’ve ever seen.” Betty agrees and says the uniforms are ridiculous, but the whole city is full of uniforms. She continues by saying that the inspiration for fashion comes from the most unlikely places, like the bright lycra shirts of bike messengers, or the epaulets on a policeman’s uniform (so 1980s) – “trash collectors were wearing jumpsuits way before they showed up on every runway last year.” And damn those jumpsuits, they are awful.

“Also, look at these funny pictures of Betty,” Marc says, showing all the pictures he took of Betty throughout the day. Willie says she can’t run pictures of Betty, so Marc suggests a supermodel. Willie likes it. “You’re in.”

Okay, am I the only one perturbed the The Church sold out their song “Under the Milk Way Tonight” for a car commercial? And to add to that, I saw Echo and Bunnymen on TV01 the other night. One word: Puffy. And these can only mean one thing: I’m old too!

Daniel and Betty are looking over the photo shoot for Betty’s article and they feature Sexy Lexie. Daniel admits he has no idea what he was thinking hiring her. “That’s what old Daniel would do,” he says. That’s why we liked it! Old Daniel was superficial and fun! Bring him back!

Daniel wonders why Betty isn’t more excited about her first big article for the magazine. She says she’s excited but she’s been fighting with Marc trying to prove to him that she earned the promotion, but he’s the one who saved the day. Daniel reminds her that this was actually her concept. “You’re good at this – you’re great at this!” he says. Well, which is it? I know, let’s flip a coin to decide!

“Why don’t you know that?” Daniels asks. “Maybe because I was tails,” she said. Try Spanx. Daniel says some people get the job because of a flip of a coin, some people get it because their father owns the company. “Doesn’t matter how you get it, it matters what you do with it,” he says. I love morals of the story!

Over at Hilda’s Boobtilities, Karate Councilman stops by to see Hilda, who looks amazing in that blue dress although it is completely impractical for her to be wearing while cutting and dying hair. He asks to see her for a minute to show her that on the TV, he’s actually apologizing to her via a teleconference. Oh, sure.

My girlfriend has big boobies!
And I can spell boobies using my calculator!

“My girlfriend had her privacy invaded,” he says. WHAT?!?!?! Emailing pictures of yourself in compromising positions voids any privacy you thought you had. Stupid Hilda, she operates with the maturity of a 15 year old. Turns out Archie’s actually in the lead because of the picture. Thank you voters of Queens.

She and Archie decide to go upstairs and bang out a quickie. She tells her clients she’ll be back in 11 minutes. Wow, Karate Councilman really can’ hold his own. Banzai, Mr. Miyagi!

Willie walks into her kitchen with some fro-yo for herself and Not-Nico. Willie throws her in the garbage after sniffing it like a hyena. Not-Nico wants to know what’s up. Turns out Isabelle Besset turned down the Mode job but she doesn’t know why.

Not-Nico says she heard she got a call from an editor at French Mode about how hard Claire and Hartley are to work for. Wilhelmina says she doesn’t remember bribing anyone from Mode France. Then Not-Nico says in French, “I would like to speak to Isabelle Besset,” and Willie realizes the Not-Nico is the one who made the call.

“You devious little minx,” Willie says. Turns out all those years at French boarding school paid off. Not-Nico apologizes for what she’s put her mother through and she wanted to do something for her as a thank you. Willie says she things everything is going to be all right. As she’s saying this, someone has found the one blood mark left behind on Not-Nico’s boyfriend’s boat. D’oh!

At a coffee shop, Betty is sitting at the window counter and Marc brings her coffee. “I thought you swore you’d never get me coffee,” she says. Well, he put it on her credit card so really, he only carried it over. Betty wants to show him the final edit of the article but Marc doesn’t really want to see it. She forces him to read the top, which shows “Betty Suarez and Marc St. James” as the byline.

“You’re sharing your byline with me? In five years at Mode, I’ve never had a byline,” he says. “Why are you so nice to me?” She tells him that either one of them could have gotten this promotion. She says that right before Daniel told her she got the promotion, he had a look on his face that said they had given it to Marc. “I say I would have been happy for you, but I don’t know…” Marc says to her, “You would have been happy.” He turns his chair and starts to put his arm around her then thinks better of it.

Good, charming Ugly Betty is back! Phew!

“Were you just about to hug me?” she asks. “Shut up, no,” he says. She grabs him and hugs him as he says the byline really should have had his name first. “Don’t push it,” she says. I love this! All is right in Bettyland! I adore it when Betty, Marc, and Amanda are all secretly buds. This one pulled the season out of the crapper for me – what did you all think?

Next week? Betty’s invited to a charity event, but someone’s donating their time to Matt. Oh my God you bitch Amanda!

And how many of you grabbed your calculator and typed in BOOBIES?