Ugly Betty: The Best Show You’re Not Watching

Justin is throwing plates! It’s about damn time! We open this episode of Ugly Betty at Betty’s new old apartment which has been painted periwinkle. Justin is rehearsing Stanley from A Streetcar Named Desire for his audition for some hoity-toity acting teacher. Hilda says Justin is so nervous about the audition she and Bobby are going to wait until after it’s over to tell him about the baby. So if he doesn’t get into the acting class, at least he knows you’re trying to replace him.

What I wouldn’t give to throw plates at someone. At work.

Hilda and Justin take off and Betty’s bummed she has to spend the evening alone finishing off the extra pasta she made. Sitting in her jammies and fuzzy slippers knocking back a bucket-o-pasta, Betty sees a story on the news about a single woman who died and wasn’t found for a month. Turns out she lived in the building for almost 20 years but knew no one there. I actually preferred knowing no one in my building when I was an apartment dweller.

The news reporter interviews a neighbor who said he used to see this poor single woman through her window eating all of the extra pasta she made (voyeur much?). They show the body being wheeled out and the woman has the same slippers as Betty, which clearly indicates Betty is in for the same fate as the pasta-loner! Sucks to be you, Betty. In my case, the dogs would just feed on my dead body then chew their way out of the house and free-range in the neighborhood with no one the wiser.

It’s spinster inside a spinster!

At work, Betty complains to Marc and Amanda about how none of them know anyone in the building and she plans to do something about it. “I wish she’d apply some of that pluck to her chin hair,” Marc says. Amen.

Willie walks into Daniel’s office wearing something from a Madonna video circa 1986 telling Daniel she needs Marc for a project. Daniel finally straps one on and tells her no but she insists saying until she hires a senior fashion editor, she needs Marc. To which I thought, why doesn’t she hire Marc, he’d be great, then I realized it’s Willie and she’d never see it that way.

No wonder she needs to hire a fashion editor. Yikes!

Willie and Daniel have a pretty innocuous smackdown and she ends it by saying she will get Marc back because, “This isn’t over.” Ooooooh! Marc hides but sadly chooses one of the round windows to do so and slides down to the floor. Heh.

Over at Betty’s apartment building, Betty is accosting people in the stairwell and hallway to invite them to her karaoke party. Everyone ignores her or is not interested. Do you really want to know these people? Betty posts her invite on the bulletin board as some cult members knock at the door (the matching hooded sweatshirts give it away).

A party? We’ll bring the Kool-Aid!

Betty, in her infinite wisdom, let’s these morons in. She asks if they live in the building and of course they say yes, telling her they were moving in today but forgot their key. Oldest trick in the book. You’d think Betty would realize they were lying when there was no moving truck outside, but maybe it’s just running late…in her mind. She introduces herself and invites them to her karaoke party and all is well.

Back at the office, Marc says the “Ménage a moi” between Willie and Daniel has got to stop. “I hate being in the middle…unless there’s a Gyllenhall involved.” Except for Maggie, she’s kind of odd. Amanda says it reminds her of when her parents separated and she played them against each other for goodies, including a chimp. Which she eventually left in cab when she got bored.

Later that day Betty walks into her building with her new karaoke machine and the police are there. Why? Because the building got robbed. Let’s go to the tape, shall we? And there she is, happy Betty letting in the culprits. Well, maybe they’ll forgive you for a roll in the karaoke machine, NOT.

The party hasn’t even started and already I know it’s going to suck.

Why, why, why would I want to roll foundation on my face with a roller like I’m a wall and the foundation is eggshell paint? What makeup companies won’t do to cover up my freckles…

Anyhoo, back at the office the next day, Betty asks how she was supposed to know they were burglars. Uh, because they didn’t have keys? Marc says it was a good thing they didn’t get on their floor and Betty has to tell them they did. Did he not notice when he got home yesterday that his unmentionables were pilfered?

At least they left you with the Dr. Huxtable sweater.

Betty tells Marc they stole Amanda’s huge bag and he asks if it’s the huge silver bag with the gold skull that is either, “Hideous or brilliant?” I haven’t seen the bag and I’m going with hideous. Yep, that’s the one. Betty tells him that all the neighbors hate her now and someone wrote the word “die” across her party invitation. Maybe that was aimed at the karaoke?

Willie interrupts them not working and throws an article at Daniel saying since he has the assistant, he can edit the content. Wahhh! Daniel says he wishes he had an electric fence to keep her out but Betty knowingly says that probably wouldn’t work. Then she gets a great idea! Which we’ll see later!

Marc grabs Amanda and asks her about her skull bag. “You took my laptop out of the bag before it got stolen, right?” She says she did but she really didn’t. “My entire life is on that computer,” he says. He huffs on his inhaler. Pfffft!

Back at Casa de Audition, Justin is throwing a fit while rehearsing and Papi and Hilda get into it about Bobby. She asks him to come to the doctor’s appointment with her on Thursday and Papi won’t because God forbid, the farmer that planted that seed is going to be there.

What? What is so wrong with stripes and animal prints together?

Betty, who really needs to get a life, thanks everyone for coming to her ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new electric lock she got permission to put into the door. The deal is if someone gets locked out, they can put in a code to get back in, stopping people from having to ask others to let them in. Betty, something tells me you were the only person who let strangers in and this is overkill for everyone else in the building.

What’s even sadder is the number of people who actually show up for the ceremony. Losers! Betty chooses the password based on these losers’ suggestions…and it’s FART. God, you’d think they be dying to attend her party seeing as they are clearly all 13 year old boys.

Maybe Schneider wants you to dig deeper into the container!

She goes to choose another password and one guy is like, “First you get us robbed, then you won’t even take suggestions.” Did I call these people losers? They are super-losers. So she keeps the password as FART. Awesome. She goes to cut the ribbon and Marc comes storming in and tears it down.

Marc tells her is laptop was in Amanda’s silver bag and then the truth comes out…he was planning to apply for the senior fashion editor’s job and all of his submission materials were on there. Why doesn’t he just use his Y.E.T.I. submission – he must have a copy somewhere. That thing ROCKED.

Betty, in completely rude form, says, “Wow, you were applying for that? That’s…ambitious.” Geez, she’s a rude as I would have been and that’s not like her. Also, Marc could kill at that job he’s got such a good eye, so suck on that, features ASSOCIATE editor.

Back at the office, Amanda is telling Daniel that Marc went home sick. She tells him all he has left for the day is his 6:15 meeting in the lounge and then says, “Oops! Forget I said anything…Wilhelmina didn’t want you to know about it.” Then in Willie’s office, Amanda mentions that Daniel is having a secret meeting at 6:15 in the lounge. Is she setting them up for a cage match? My money’s on Willie.

At the assaulted apartment building, Betty is banging on Marc’s door. Why is she dressed like Annie Hall? He opens the door and tells her to talk fast because he’s stress eating a 7-cheese lasagna and then that is all I can think about. A few weeks ago I got some of Target’s cheese cannelloni and holy mother was that good. Great comfort food. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

Betty apologizes to Marc and offers to help him recreate all of his materials for submission for the job. He agrees but when she asks for a piece of lasagna, he tells her no. Did I mention that cannelloni I got a few weeks ago…?

At Mode Daniel and Willie meet at 6:15 in the lounge and bitch at each other for booking secret meetings. Some guy clears his throat and says he’s a couples counselor, “And by the looks of it, I have my work cut out for me.” Now, I totally missed who this guy was until I was re-watching it to write the recap and I saw Frank Whaley as a guest star. And I immediately confused him with Jon Cryer and I thought wow, Duckie has really changed. But Frank Whaley was in Field of Dreams.

Duck or no Duck, get this man a nap, stat.

You know what would have been awesome? If he had been Molly Ringwald’s husband in that show about the stupid teenager getting pregnant and Molly being the grandmother. Wouldn’t it have been funny if that’s how Faux-Duckie and Andie ended up? Raising a kid too stupid to know how to find her local Planned Parenthood?

Dr. Faux-Duckie looks exhausted, he really should consider that Hydroxatone scam they keep peddling on the radio (so you know it’s good). Willie attempts to storm out and he says he knows who the beta dog is. Unless he pegs Daniel, he’s wrong, and Willie’s bark equals her bite, so wear a cup.

“The first person to leave the room tends to be the weaker one,” Faux-Duckie says. Yeah, or it’s just the one who is fed up with the execs she works with, but enough about me. Daniel is intrigued and goes to sit down, and beta dog follows. Suckers.

Marc is flummoxed (oh, I said it) about how to re-create everything because it took him weeks to pull his materials together. Since it’s a senior position, he says he “Has to wow them.” No kidding.

You know, a breath mint wouldn’t kill you, Betty.

There’s a knock at the door and the ribbon-cutting losers and more are at the door for Betty’s party. Seriously? Also, is Betty living in a retirement community because it looks like a cross between The Golden Girls and Cocoon just showed up to party like it’s 1969.

Betty says she figured no one was coming since the whole burglary fiasco. Maybe they’re coming to steal your stuff? “So you don’t want us here?” Says Mary of Peter, Paul and Mary, but with a strobe-light vibrator in her hand.

Seriously, you do not want to get poked with that.

“Now she’s canceling after everything she’s put us through?” says whiney guy #4. Seriously, if you are that upset with her already, why attend her par-tay? “This is why you should never get to know your neighbors,” Mary of PP&M says. No, the reason you shouldn’t get to know them is because they take showers in front of a semi-frosted window and you know they either need a back wax or they have a lot of back tattoos, that’s why. And that is why I avoid neighbor on my right.

Sitting in a Alice in Wonderland sofa, Willie is complaining that she had to work years to get to where she is while Daniel had it handed to him by Daddy Warbucks. She does have a point. She says she’s always treated Daniel with respect to which he replies, “No, she’s always been a bitch and now she’s being a super-bitch.” Is that like Superbad or Superfly?

Willie fakes crying and says the name-calling hurts the most. Oh, please. Daniel says she’s faking and she calls him names all the time. Well, so do I! Willie gets pissed and storms out and Daniel says he’s sorry to have wasted Faux-Duckie’s time. By the way, who is paying for this guy? And shouldn’t they set up next week’s appointment?

Faux-Duckie says this has been very enlightening and he says the source of the problem is the sexual tension. Okay, this guy is a quack, not a Duck-man. Daniel smiles and says Willie is the last person he’d ever be interested in. Really? I’d actually put her on my list of five if I were gay. Along with Isabella Rossellini, Rene Russo, Julianne Moore, Salma Hayek, and probably Sigourney Weaver. Wow, I came up with that list pretty quickly, didn’t I? Well, it’s not laminated, so Clooney has nothing to worry about.

Faux-Duckie continues that Willie’s body language shows her interest in Daniel. He gives Daniel the 101 on body language – when someone steps into your space and refuses to relinquish it, mimics your body language or way of speaking, it is like mating in the animal kingdom: similar to a woman presenting her backside. Uh-huh. Yeah, that’s not a huge jump at all. No, not at all.

Maybe the sexual tension is his and his alone.

Faux-Duckie tells Daniel he needs to find a way to diffuse the sexual tension. Daniel, being ape-like, completely buys into this whole line of bullshit. If the doctor threw a squeaky ball, I bet Daniel would chase it.

Betty is at Marc’s apartment helping him work through some images then jumps over to her party to turn down the music. Then we see musical montage of the night of Betty running back and forth between her apartment (where Amanda is doing her best to not host) and Marc’s apartment. Seriously, Annie Hall does NOT work for her. Also, is she wearing rubber pants? She should loan those to Hilda.

Matched January 20, 2010.

Betty runs a bunch of pizzas to her apartment and Marc steps into the hallway to show her what he’s done, basically a collage using other people’s pictures. It’s like 7th grade dream camp, you know, when you still had them.

Marc says, “Betty, you know I’m not one to get all gushy…” then he darts back into his apartment and slams the door. Thank God. Betty jumps into her apartment and is now free to karaoke! Sweet Jesus!

Back at Mode Daniel and Willie are waiting for the elevator. She mimics his body language, then bends over to fix her shoe and of course Daniel thinks she’s “presenting.” This should be good.

Betty starts to sing R.E.M.’s “End of the World” and as expected she sucks. One neighbor says it’s awful but like a car accident, he can’t look away.

Back in the elevator, Willie is stepping out of character by picking her teeth then grinding the together. Daniel continues to think this is her wanting him. Yes, it is sexy.

Honey, behind closed doors and without an audience.

Betty keeps singing and please, please, please make it stop! Suddenly someone hears my prayers and the electricity goes out! All over the city! Amanda says, “Betty’s voice brought darkness to the land.” No shit. Betty thinks it will be cool because it will bring everyone together but instead everyone is headed to Amanda’s for a blackout party. Enjoy pregnancy!

But wait, there’s more! Because of Betty’s super idea of putting in the electrical system on the front door, no one can leave. Can’t they just use their keys? I thought the electrical system was just a back-up.

We see Marc banging on the door and hurting his arm trying to break the glass. Marc completely bitches her out and my thought is, are you telling me there are NO OTHER EXITS they can use? Seems like that building is quite the fire hazard. Oh, also? I notice that as Marc storms by Betty he walks by two separate windows. How about cracking them open and JUMPING OUT? You are on the first floor, dumbass.

I rest my case.

“It’s like I’m destined for failure,” Marc says, curled up in a ball. Betty suggests taking the fire escape and Marc says it’s too icy plus if he falls he’ll break something because he has the bones of a sparrow. So does Sally Field!

Over at Casa de Blackout, someone is trying to break into the Suarez house! Papi can’t see who it is because the curtain is in front of the door. Instead of moving it aside and scaring the burglar or calling 911 from a cell phone, he stands next to the door, waits for the person to break in, then smashes him in the face with a pan. Good move, it’s your daughter’s baby daddy. “Really?” Bobby says, dabbing the blood from his nose.

I knew Hilda liked it rough, but damn, Papi!

In the elevator, Daniel is talking into the elevator phone, probably ordering up some pizza and Wild Kingdom, and tells Willie it’s going to be awhile. What will they do to pass the time, what will they do?

Willie says a real man would find a way to get them out of this and he says he is a real man. Oh, whatever. Daniel gets up in her face and they are staring at each other. He leans in and kisses her. “What the hell was that?” she says. “That was me, trying to diffuse the sexual tension,” he says, actually with a pretty straight face.

“The what?” Willie says, like all thinking women would. He tells her that the reason she’s so hostile is because she secretly wants him. Hope the cameras in the elevator work on battery power, because I think she’s just found a way to get rid of Daniel once and for all. Use the elevator phone to call HR, Willie.

Tastes like chicken!

Willie looks at him and the next thing we see is her fist headed right for Daniel’s face. I totally lived vicariously through her on this one.

COCKFIGHT!

Over at Casa de Nosebleed, Papi is helping Bobby stop the nosebleed by putting ice on his face. Bobby says he was coming over to check on Hilda and Justin to make sure they were okay. Why didn’t you call on your cell phone or KNOCK on the door instead of breaking in? Papi asks Bobby why he wasn’t with them when he was supposed to be taking them for Justin’s audition. Bobby had to work late, Papi, ease up!

“I didn’t know being a thug required dedicated hours,” Papi says. First of all, low blow, second of all, being a thug takes a lot of time in this economy – nobody has any money so thugs have to work twice as hard to make the same amount they made in years past.

Bobby asks why it’s so hard for Papi to believe he’s a different person than he was at 17. I have to agree with him there. “I love your daughter,” he says. “I plan on being around for Hilda, Justin, and the new baby.” Papi ain’t buying it. Well, Papi, it’s not for sale.

Bobby says he thinks Papi is secretly worried he is a good guy and that Hilda and Justin will start relying on him more than they rely on Papi. He’s jealous and can’t handle it. Bobby goes to wait in the other room. Ouch.

In the elevator, Willie throws Daniel a tissue to dab the blood off his lips. “I’d offer to dab it for you but I’m afraid you’ll start licking my fingers,” she says. I bet she would be finger-licking good. Daniel says she made her point and he read the signs wrong. He wants to know why she’s been so mean to him lately, it can’t just be about Marc. Can’t it?

She says it is because Marc is the most important man in her life. “I know Marc doesn’t walk like a man or talk like a man and his features are basically lesbian,” she says, “but the truth is he’s been my one constant over the years.” Good point. Daniel says they need to figure something out. What about the senior fashion editor position?

Betty is yelling outside of Marc’s apartment that she thinks they could get down the fire escape and that she has a ton of salt in her apartment. “And in your diet!” Marc yells. Betty’s phone rings and it’s Papi. He wants to make sure she’s okay and she asks if he knows somebody who can pick a lock.

MacGyver would be proud!

Bobby says, “Okay Chipmunk, you’ve got a yellow wire, red wire, and green wire, move them all to the left.” He has to explain to her that there’s no electricity so she doesn’t have to worry about exploding the building. He tells her to put the screwdriver in the hole, turn it one way, then turn it the other until the deadbolt opens. Or, they could have used the key, I’m just saying there was an option if what she said at the beginning of the show is true.

The door opens and Bobby says of course it worked, he’s not an amateur. Looking at Papi, he says, “I’m not a professional, either.” Betty chases after Marc.

Marc says he can’t believe Betty broke them out of their own building. “That’s bold, even for someone who wears socks with heels,” Marc says. They get into eyesight of the Meade building and Marc gasps. With the electricity out, there is no way they can get into the building, let alone all the way up to their offices.

“Once again, life has pooped on the head of Marc St. James,” he says. Betty tells him to wait, they can figure it out and he says he’s sick of her positive attitude and she screams she’s sick of his negative attitude. “All you ever do is complain! ‘I’m Marc St. James, everything bad happens to me, I never get what I want!’” she imitates him. She asks if he ever ties to think happy thoughts.

Are you trying to believe in fairies or kill them between your hands?

Marc is like what should I do, clap if I believe in fairies? And she says yes so they begin to maniacally clap their hands and what do you know, the lights of the Meade building go on. Fairies do exist, they do! They scream and hug and Marc is horrified he touched Betty.

Back at Casa de Papi Hates You, Papi brings Bobby a scotch. Where has he been hiding that? He tells him thanks for helping Betty. Bobby apologizes for saying what he did and Papi says there was some truth in it. He says he’s seen how great he’s been with Hilda and Justin and he’s afraid of being replaced. Wah-wah-wahhh. The lights go on in more ways than one.

Marc and Betty get to the office and there is a note on Marc’s computer. It reads, “Order flowers and champagne for the new creative hire, W.” Marc is devastated but come on, didn’t everyone watching know he got the job? Because this season is like that.

This handwriting seems awfully aggressive, even for Willie.

Hilda and Justin get back and see Papi and Bobby enjoying a scotch and watching TV together. It’s like Brokeback Brooklyn except they’re in Queens. Turns out they were stuck in the subway all night so Justin didn’t get his audition. Hilda sees Bobby’s face and he tells her Papi attacked him. Then Papi and Bobby joke with each other and Hilda realizes she’s entered the twilight zone!

Papi says he’s been stubborn and he’s sorry. He also wants to come to the doctor’s office with them in the morning. Aw, they’re a family.

The next morning Marc wheels in the flowers and champagne and asks Willie if she and Daniel decided who he’d be working with. Willie says he’ll be with her, “As my newest fashion editor.” Marc is like what the hell? “Congratulations,” she says. However, he didn’t get the senior position, she’s decided instead to make it a junior fashion editor position for Marc. Well, that makes more sense and will help keep the evil Meeeeghan at bay.

What it looks like when pure joy and
the relief of not being Willie’s assistant anymore collide.

Daniel sees Willie and Marc clink glasses and he smiles. He drops his pen, bends over to get it, and sees Willie looking at him. Way to present, Daniel. She smiles, nods, and looks away, probably because she doesn’t want him to see her swallow the bile that just erupted in her mouth.

Even the animals are refusing this.

Over at Hilda’s doctor’s appointment, the technician tells the family she’s never had so many people in an appointment before. They’re Hispanic, of course they come in droves to things.

Also, did anyone think it was odd the way they showed how Hilda’s sonogram was being conducted? Don’t they put that gel on the belly and put the whatever it’s called on the belly and move it around? This looked like they were going in direct. Odd.

The tech gets a funny look on her face and at first I thought she was going to say twins, so I looked for something hard to throw at the TV. But then Hilda asks if something is wrong and the tech says she’s not seeing a heartbeat. “I’m very sorry,” she says.

You know, it’s funny, I had a feeling when Hilda found out about this that there wasn’t going to be any baby. Why? Because this show is still good and they don’t need to bring one on. I almost mentioned it last week and now I’m glad I didn’t. But I guess I just did so now I’m caught in a conundrum or something circular.

Back at Casa de Teenagers Only, Bobby is consoling Hilda. She says she thought they were going to be a family and now they won’t be one. Bobby says that baby or no baby, they’re going to be a family. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says. This is awesome – I hope they keep him around.

Justin comes screaming down the stairs that he got a formal invitation to join the acting class. Hilda hugs him extra hard.

Betty is back home and Marc pops by. He says he was in the hallway and thought he smelled something, so he came over to make sure she wasn’t dead. She congratulates him on his new position and he asks if she wants to watch TV and make fun of people’s clothes. “You might learn something,” he teases. It’s a nice moment between them.

They really do make a cute couple.

For whatever reason, the next new Ugly Betty isn’t on for a couple of weeks, but it looks like Betty wins an award for her 2 weeks of blogging but then gets caught saying nasty things about Daniel. Oops. This is why I keep my writing a secret from people at my company, I’d rather they feel my contempt in person.

If you are interested, check out my Toddlers & Tiaras recap – it’s back with a vengeance and the kids are oh-so-awful. Thank God!