Ugly Betty: Wearing Braces DOES Ruin Your Life!

Oy. We open this episode of Ugly Betty with Betty sleeping on the sofa at home (because why now?), waking up, rubbing her braces and announcing today is the last day with them. Well, I can’t blame her for her excitement, but I can blame her for that nasty bed head.

It’s Ricky Martin calling to tell you it’s okay to be gay! He finally is!

Hilda tells Papi that she and Betty agree – there is no way they can have her wedding without 100 snow white doves. I’m pretty sure her wedding is going to involve Atlantic City and a cheap chapel and micro-mini. Justin comes down the stairs on the phone, leaving a message for Austin about THE KISS. Hilda screams for Justin who tells Papi the doves have to be snow white otherwise they are just pigeons. Either way, you know those damn things have lice.

Over at Marc and Amanda’s, Marc and his bed head step into the bathroom or kitchen or someplace that has both a sink and wine rack and who’s there but Tyler in a bright pink cut-out t-shirt á la Flashdance. He tells Marc that Amanda spilled a wine cooler on him (do they still make those?) and Marc is like huh-huh-huh, you slept over. Amanda enters and says she got the stain out of shirt, but she also got the large size out too. They kiss. Those Hartley boys!

And speaking of gay…

Amanda says this could be the start of something real. Or a cold sore. Marc suggests she tell Daniel about this before he finds out from someone else. Like his mama?

Over at the orthodontist, Kathy Najimy won’t shut the hell up as she’s examining Betty. I had a dentist who watched Judge Judy while working on my teeth – hence the three root canals he caused by botched fillings. And yet, I find Kathy Najimy more annoying. Go figure.

I will totally let her touch my boob if it makes this story end any faster.

Betty finally gives Ortho Kathy a clue and says she has an appointment at work and needs to be there at a certain time. Turns out it’s picture day at Mode and she wants to update her ID with her new look – no braces, better hair, and almost-matching clothes.

Until the fire alarm rings. Then the sprinklers go off. Sucks to be you – on picture day!

Claire is back from Paris and tries to suck up to Daniel with Parisian chocolates. She could have had me with a Dove bar. Anyhoo, Daniel is having none of it because he’s trying to get ready for the “Million Dollar Bra” shoot, which really, Victoria’s Secret story knock-off? Whatever. All this reminds me of is when Tina Fey, discussing the matching thong to the bejeweled VS bra, said, “The only time I’m putting that many diamonds up my ass is if the Nazis are coming.” Amen, sister.

I’m not sure if I’m more horrified by the eyeshadow
or the bald eagle she has wrapped around her neck.

Jesus, Claire has really really really blue eyeshadow on. Or is that just jet-lag? She asks Daniel if he is going to ask her about her trip and I’m pretty sure the answer is going to be SUCK IT, MOTHER. I’m wrong because Daniel asks how it was and Claire says Alexis and Tyler really hit it off. Does Amanda know? Also, have Tyler’s adoptive parents asked where he is? Daniel continues to be an ass about the whole Tyler situation and I’m not sure why he’s being so pissy. After everything that’s happened with his family, this seems like the least of the Meade sins.

At his Million Dollar Bra (now known as MDB) meeting, he brags about how the people of Eve’s Seduction (aka Victoria’s Secret) are allowing Mode to be the first magazine to show the bra on their cover, “Thanks to me,” he finishes. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.

But wait! Turns out the bra begins it’s world tour right after they debut it at the Guggenheim and Willie points out that they can’t do a photo shoot with the bra if it’s on it’s way to Egypt now, can they? Does it ride first class? What a glitch in the bra-tinerary, as Daniel calls it.

Daniel is on the phone with the bra people begging them for time to do the photo shoot and they hang up on him. Klassy. Then Amanda comes in to continue peeing on his parade. She tells him she met someone and he’s shocked but says, “Good for you.” Then she says it’s Tyler and he is totally pissed. He says it’s totally messed up and whatevs. Well, at least he heard it from her and not Mommy Dearest.

Betty shows up for her photo ID and she might as be wearing her Guadalajara poncho. Her hair is a wet, wavy mess and she can’t keep her eyes open for the picture. It’s awful. Marc Photoshops her into a thin, odd-looking blonde that looks nothing like her. Creepy. She should put that picture in the attic, quick!

When did Tiger’s wife start working at Mode?

Daniel is whining to Betty about the stupid bra and Betty says she’s good friends with Eve’s assistant so she can probably work it out. It’s all about networking, people. Then he whines about Amanda seeing Tyler and Betty’s like ouch, sucks to be you, but maybe Amanda wanted something casual, LIKE YOU BOTH SAID.

Then she’s through via Web cam to Eve’s assistant who she calls A-Bomb. Yeah, that nickname can’t go wrong. Betty tells her about the situation and A-Bomb says they’ll see what they can do. Then Daniel notices Betty has a raisin stuck in her braces. Slick.

At the Guggenheim security catches Betty and says the school groups enter elsewhere, ha! She does look like a school marm! She says she’s with Mode and he wants to see ID – which she shows and it looks nothing like her. After body scanning her and having the magic security wand go nuts over her mouth because of the braces, she’s yells, “Yes, I’m an adult woman with braces,” then tells the security guard she has a job to do. He lets her in, mostly to stop her from yelling again.

Is your IUD made of gunmetal?

Then Betty plays it totally cool by seeing her friend and screaming, “A-BOMB” in the museum and having security throw her down like a sack of wet cement. They knock her to the ground, she hits her head, and I’m seeing a lawsuit! Instead, Betty goes into dream mode about she wishes she had been born with perfect teeth. Well, it certainly worked out for Tom Cruise, didn’t it? Or are those veneers? Or Thetans?

Take the mushrooms AFTER work, AFTER.

Betty awakens again like she did in the beginning of the show – at Casa de Tacky, but this time she’s beautiful – smooth, silky hair, braces gone, and a Judy Jetson dress…sorry, it IS kind of 80s. She runs to the mirror to see her teeth and realizes she’s gorgeous. “What happened?” she says. Kathy Najimy says, “You got your wish.” Oh, damn, is she going to be in this entire episode? I find her kind of annoying.

Also, we’re 19 minutes in and they are showing the credits again? Kathy says Betty’s welcome for the new look, hope she enjoys her new life as a hottie. Betty runs and puts on her glasses and realizes she doesn’t need them anymore because she got Lasik. Then why does she even have them? Kathy also tells her that she’s a little vain in this life.

Betty runs to the kitchen looking for Papi and Hilda, but some other family lives there. Because why now? And are they going to call the cops? Turns out this isn’t her house and that instead her family lives in an amazing building in Manhattan, all because Betty had perfect teeth! Papi was able to use the money he would have spent on Betty’s braces to invest in the tech boom and here we are. How much do braces cost nowadays? Jesus!

Help me Obi-Juan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

Papi and Hilda exit the building and he looks like a pimp mafia boss while Hilda is fat and ugly. Hilda says she’s been looking for a wedding dress that looks like the dress Betty wore to prom and Betty didn’t realize she went to prom…turns out she was prom queen. Then Hilda calls Betty her “fashion guru” and you know someone with fancy red shoes had a house dropped them somewhere in this world.

Worst dream-sequence munchkins ever!

In the Mode elevator, Betty asks Kathy why Hilda is so hideously ugly, except she’s nicer about it. Kathy says it’s the law of genes – somebody in the family has to be ugly. Just look at the Kardashians. Oops – Kathy uses them as an example. Great minds…

At Mode turns out Marc is the receptionist and he has a baby with partner “Didier,” and he’s nice. Then he has to take “Rosalita” to the bathroom to change her. Puuu! Then Amanda walks to the receptionist’s desk and steals petty cash and tells Betty she’s being quiet…turns out she and Amanda totally make fun of Marc. Tables…consider yourselves turned.

Wow, Marc, your baby certainly has your…last name.

Betty tells Amanda she shouldn’t be stealing that money and Amanda says it’s not stealing when you own half the company. Turns out she married Daniel. Actually, that kind of works for them both, doesn’t it?

Marc brings Betty flowers that are from “Derek” and Betty’s like “Derek who?” She reads the card which says, “Derek Jeter.” Because when you are famous and you are dating someone, you always sign your first and last name. Marc says Derek is trying to win her back. Just because she has perfect teeth?

Betty walks to her office and her title is Managing Editor. She’s all excited because she’s rich, pretty, dating Derek, and now a managing editor. Meh, I think we get it, already. When are her braces really coming off? Betty goes to Daniel’s office to visit him and he bursts her balloon – turns out she and Daniel are soooo not besties…they are mortal enemies. Betty is confused, which is usually Daniel’s job.

“You may have everyone else fooled,” Daniel says, “but underneath…you’re ugly, betty.” So they don’t have to change the show title, super yay!

Back in Betty’s office, Kathy is explaining to Betty that she was never her assistant. Why is Kathy Najimy bugging me so much? Am I alone here?

Turns out Bradford never hired Betty as Daniel’s assistant. Kathy shows Betty how she came to work at Mode. She shows up in a poncho – Dolce and Gabbana this time – saying she always wanted to work in fashion. WTF? Beautiful teeth did that to her? Suddenly Willie sees Betty, loves her beautiful smile, and hires her on the spot, demoting Marc in the process. That’s gotta hurt!

Betty is surprised she was Willie’s assistant because they are so different…but Kathy says Betty was a quick study and became Mini-Willie in the process. We see a scene where Betty trashes on someone who brings them all sorts of red except red and then makes fun of the woman’s face because it is a true red from rosacea. Awesome. Betty is horrified at herself and Kathy says Betty’s kind of a beyotch. Most pretty girls are!

Wilhelmina asked you to bring red and all you brought
was red, red and more red. What the hell is wrong with you?

Well not only does Daniel hate her, Claire hates her and calls her a vampire to which Betty says she’d drink Claire’s blood but it’s too early for that much alcohol, which is not true – it’s never too early for alcohol, ask my exec team.

I look just like this every time I leave work!

Hilda stops by the office to tell Betty she can’t be her maid of honor because SHE wants to be the center of attention and how can she with Betty all hot? Betty asks about her fiancée Bobby and it turns out Hilda is marrying the meat man who is 60. Also? Justin does not exist in beautiful teeth world, because who taps ugly ass? Betty’s perfect teeth ruined Hilda’s teen sex life – but so did Hilda’s chin(s).

Daniel yells at Betty for ruining the MDB shoot (so reality is crossing over into dreamland) and Betty, trying to her nice self, says she’ll fix it. Daniel doesn’t believe her and she swears she’s not lying, she really does want to help. Daniel holds up a newspaper with a picture of Betty making out with some guy with the headline “Jeter Cheater.” “I can’t believe I ever slept with you Betty,” Daniel says. OH MY GOD THAT DID NOT HAPPEN, I barf, the end. I bet it was bumpy sex, too.

Willie enters the scene and says she can’t believe Betty slept with Daniel either and she’s wondering if Betty’s changing “the plan” on her. They are in cahoots on ruining the bra shoot and sabotaging Daniel so they can be co-editors in chief of Mode. Bwa-ha-haaaa! Man, straight teeth ruin everything!

Kathy tells Betty that having braces taught Betty compassion but with perfect teeth, there was no compassion to be found. Betty storms out and goes to her office where Amanda and Tyler are making out on her desk. But no worries, Daniel is cheating on Amanda so it all evens out. So, this show based on a telenovela has truly become a telenovela! Most excellent.

And to top it off, Papi shows up to ask Betty for $40K to keep his bookie off his ass. Luckily, Betty carries that kind of cash in her purse and Papi takes it. Worst family ever!

Betty freaks out and decides to go to the Guggenheim to help save the shoot. Betty meets with the designer Eve and begs her for time to shoot the bra, and Eve says all she heard was blah-blah-blah and now she’s hungry for Mexican food. Heh. A-Bomb the assistant shows up and says the bra is missing! Where could it be? Are the Nazis coming? Because that would narrow it down…

Betty runs through the museum and sees Willie walking away…Willie looks up and sees Betty, pulls her blouse open, and there, encasing her double-Ds is the MDB. Willie said she knew Betty was going to double-cross her, she’s Betty. Then she screams for security and says Betty is stealing the bra, which clearly she is NOT. Stupid security.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Security knocks her over and we are back where we were at the beginning…Betty on her back knocked out like a sorority girl who just finished her 6th bottle of Boons. “I want my life back,” she says. Oh, you’ll get it, you’ll get it back but good, Betty Suarez!

Come back, zinc! Come back!

Betty wakes up and she’s back! Braces and all! With Daniel standing right over her!

Uh, a little personal space, PLEASE.

Betty finds out the bra is still there and she’s chasing it down. But it’s gone! Did Willie take it? Betty rips off her blouse and exposes Willie’s double-Ds, sans bejeweled bra! No, no, Willie’s ta-tas are encased in a strapless dress.

Okay, we just lost our PG rating…

Betty gets all confused, turns and runs right into the bra…and gets her braces stuck in it. Geez, it’s not some guy’s zipper, Betty.

And now we’ve lost PG-13…

Security asks Betty to step away from the bra which doyee, she’s stuck to it, rent-a-cop. Eve sees this and bursts out laughing. That must have hurt…her face. She says since Betty cheered her up, they can have it for 2 hours for the photo shoot. Daniel screams for an orthodontist and there is Kathy! Thank God she’s not working during the middle of the day. Does she know Hilda? They should totally LinkIn.

Luckily Kathy brought her orthodontist’s tools with her (how did SHE get through security?). She says they will need to cut the bra apart and Willie’s like cut BETTY instead and Eve agrees because the bra is worth more than Betty. Kathy says that the only other option is to remove Betty’s braces. Gee, really? You stupid moron – ruin the MDB or take off braces? How is that even a choice, even for the flat-chested?

Aww…Ugly Duckling has become Swan…ish.

So she removes Betty’s braces at the Guggenheim while everyone watches. Hope someone posts to YouTube. We see each brace come off and violá! Betty’s teeth are as smooth as porcelain tile. They give the bra to Willie and the shoot begins. Wow. Big boobs.

Betty keeps licking her smooth teeth and I have to tell you, that is EXACTLY what I did too when my braces came off! I didn’t realize how creepy that looked until now.

Daniel sees Amanda and apologizes to her. He says they are casual so she can date whoever she wants. She thanks him and kisses him. Amanda Sandwich, Meade brothers? Uh-oh! Tyler sees Amanda hugging Daniel and his face shows he’s all pissy. She didn’t French him, dude, just a hug.

Amanda tells Tyler that Daniel gave them his blessing, which makes Tyler all hot and bothered. Amanda says Tyler and Daniel need to work out their issues, as does she, so he can suck it because she’s out of here. And as she leaves, Willie steps in to offer him a drink…which he declines because he doesn’t drink. Willie and her tricks! She should totally do him just to spite Claire. Spite sex!

That’s it! No more whiney mama’s boys for me!

Back at Casa de Smooth Teeth, Betty’s family gives her a dinner she’ll never forget…corn on the cob, popcorn, candied apples – I remember eating those for the first time too! Oh my God, I’m such a total and complete dork!

Just a typical recapper dinner…yum!

The doorbell rings and it’s…Austin Powers! No, it’s gay Austin. Justin looks at his family, then steps out in the vestibule (without Jill Goodacre!) to talk/make out with Austin. Come on, your family doesn’t care!

Next week? They are headed to London and meet up with Christina (boo!) and DID I CALL IT? GIO! GIO GIO GIO GIO GIO GIO IS BACK! YAY! Thank you, writers! Thank you for bringing the right guy back to Betty! Finally, it’s salami time!