Ugly Betty: Y.E.T.I.-Schmetty, Betty

J’adorable Suzuki St. Pierre kicks off this episode of Ugly Betty with an update of the Meade Publications saga, calling Cal Hartley an “eccentric billionaire and my future sugar daddy.” He continues saying, “Yes, the seemingly preposterous rumors are true…people are eating at Mode!” and we see Betty walk by the camera chowing on a huge chocolate doughnut. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I see nothing wrong with this
except that she’s not sharing with me.

We pull back to see Justin watching this on his TV, and he says, “Yikes!” Well, okay, it is a little tacky of Betty, but it’s a chocolate doughnut! What else can you do with it besides gorge yourself? “What?” she asks. “I like doughnuts.” ‘Nuff said.

Matt’s there for breakfast and so is Elena…Casa Suarez is turning into the House of the Rising Sun, isn’t it? Betty tells everyone that it’s performance appraisal day and she’s going to ask for a promotion. How about asking them to just make good on the last 3 paychecks? She’s going to ask for a promotion to editor. OF WHAT? Who goes from assisting the editor (not assistant editor) to Editor of a magazine? Do you know how many skinny bitches have to die for Betty to become Editor?

Matt says that with the YETI project, she’ll get some interviews with that as well. Oh, YETI, where have you and Bernadette been? Justin gets his undies in a bunch because he’s worried Betty’s leaving Mode. Matt says it’s just good for her to have options. “Like Manny Ramirez,” he says. Everyone looks at him blankly, including your recapper, and he explains, “Free agent?” He tries to explain then sighs and says, “I should really know my audience.” Yes, you should.

Everyone leaves the kitchen – Betty with a plate full of doughnuts that look like they are on steroids, and Hilda knocks over Elena’s bag. Out pops a letter from Chula Vista School of Nursing and Hilda stares at it like it is any of her business, which it is not. Draaaama!

The doughnut’s “AFTER” picture. Yeesh!

Betty walks into Daniel’s office telling him she’s ready for her performance review all chipper-like the way NO ONE walks into a review. He begins to give her a good review on her attitude and promptness as we swing over to Willie’s review of Marc. “It kills me to say this, but across the board you…are adequate,” Willie says. Marc jumps for joy and I guess that is high praise coming from Wilhelmina Slater. He asks to hug her and she says, “Dial it back down, sister, or I’ll drop you right back to sub-par.”

It’s Hammer time! Now hit yourself in the head with it!

Betty and Marc’s happy-go-lucky and excellent reviews are stifled with the news that there is a hiring freeze. “What does that mean?” Betty says. That means there is a freeze on hiring. Which word didn’t you understand? Turns out that part of the condition of being able to hire everyone back is that no one gets promoted and no one new gets hired until someone dies. Given the fact that right now people all over are losing jobs and people are taking pay cuts and benefits cuts, I would probably sit down and enjoy a hot cup of shut the hell up with my doughnut.

Daniel tells Betty he knows she has higher aspirations that booking his tanning salon visits and if she finds something through YETI, he will sing her praises. Betty’s totally bummed out, goes to her desk, and she and Marc look at each other completely dejected. Maybe Marc’s problem stems from his MC Hammer pants in day-go orange and black. There’s your sub-par, Marc. Buck up, little soldiers, you do still have health insurance.

Not only will I cut you, but I’ll report you
to the Postmaster General, Snoop-Dawg!

Back at Hilda’s Salon of Emptiness, Elena sits down in a chair to get her hair done and Hilda confronts her about the letter she snooped through. I mean the envelope she found and the letter she found inside when she opened the envelope. Elena is pissed and ready to cut Hilda for opening her mail (it is Queens, people). Hilda wants to know what Elena is doing looking for a nursing position in Chula Vista, “A country I never even heard of.” Oh, Hilda, thank God your boobs are huge.

“Chula Vista’s in California,” Elena says, not slapping Hilda because you aren’t supposed to do that to mentally challenged people. Turns out she had an informational interview with the school when she was out visiting family. She’s not sure if she’s going to leave and Hilda says she better tell Papi. I hope Elena doesn’t leave, she’s kind of cool (and has stayed that way, unlike Matt who has gone, and is going, bat-shit crazy).

Back at Mode Willie tells everyone that if they have any notes for their bridal issue to pretty much shove them all the way with a red-hot poker. If the sex issue crashed, how well do you think a bridal issue is going to do? I was just at the salon and there are like 500 bride magazines out there, who would pick up Mode for that?

In walks Cal because they had an earthquake in Russia and he can’t go until they clear the bodies. If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: He’s creepy. He decides to sit in on their meeting because he has nothing better to do with his time. Except be a pawn for some major product-placement that had me rolling my eyes big time. I should watch out, they may get stuck that way!

“No pressure, just looking for something to make me smile,” he says, holding up a can of a certain soft drink that I will not name because they end up hitting us over the head with it a gazillion times before cutting over to a commercial for the damn product. Reprehensible, TV execs and Ugly Betty producers, for doing this.

We cut to later and he says, “I’m not smiling.” He tells them he doesn’t think they need to change the whole concept, “but the wedding dresses aren’t popping.” You mean like that bright red can of product placement you have in your grubby hand? “Now what if we put the cherry antioxidant product placement ad between these photos,” he says, putting up a huge product placement ad so we can all see it. I’m not against cherry, antioxidants, or that beverage, but you are really insulting me and pissing me off as a viewer and I will not buy your product unless it comes in diet form which judging from the ad you just put in front of me, it does. God I’m thirsty.

I prefer getting hit over the head more subtly, thanks, dickheads.
Kudos to the advertising/marketing people, though.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Willie says to someone trying to escape the meeting. He’s standing in front of a big box of product placement and he says he’s thirsty and would really like to grab a can of product placement to quench his thirst. “In America, we just call it product placement,” Willie snaps. “Well, it contains vitamin E, a powerful antioxidant,” this guy says about the product placement. Man, I could use a drink.

Cal still doesn’t like the layout and he suggests re-shooting. That sounds cost-effective, ass munch. Willie is horrified. She says they’ve been working on this concept for months and her good friend designer Another Product Placement has designed things for this issue as a personal favorite to Willie. The little black wedding dress on the cover is part of what she thinks is their “best wedding issue yet.” Cal says they don’t have to take his ideas even though they did take his money. Did I say ass munch? Yes, I believe I did. Where is my drink?

I bet if I stared hard enough, I could make his head POP.

Claire comes into the meeting and asks if they will be done soon because she has a Hot Flash meeting. “Yes, yes,” Willie says, “your irritable bowel edition.” Well! Someone’s bowels sure are irritable. Cal invites Claire over for her opinion. This is going to be good. She says she likes the idea of doing something along the color in wedding side, but “black is just as cliché as white.” She says in Europe they are showing color in wedding gowns, maybe they could do something like that.

“See,” Cal says, “That makes me smile.” That makes me wonder – how did Willie not know about that? And would it kill the creative staff to have a meeting before the photo shoots? “Why don’t you work with Wilhelmina to come up with a new version of the layout?” Cal suggests. Willie has a stroke as Claire says she’ll clear her calendar.

Oh crap, here comes Molly. Isn’t she dead yet? And doesn’t she have a job or did she quit in order to enjoy her last days booger-free? He wants to show her something and as they are walking through the hallway Amanda stops Daniel to ask him something stupid, but Molly keeps walking until she happens upon a sign that reads, “Will you marry me?” She gasps, not realizing that Mode is in the midst of their wedding issue. Dumb ass.

Molly’s illness has caused her to make
her O-face at inopportune times.

“Oh my God! I can’t believe this!” she says, turning to Daniel. “Yes!” Daniel was like, “It’s just Paula Abdul, yelling at a mailbox,” he says, clearly talking about a picture I would love to see but Molly clearly didn’t. He looks over and sees what she saw and says he wasn’t asking her to marry him and she tries to cover by saying she knew it was for the wedding issue and Amanda is like, “OH SHE TOTALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE PROPOSING,” and it’s totally embarrassing. This is her Yak butter tea moment. Excellent.

Over at YETI, Bernadette is all about the crazy and puts Marc, Betty, and “chair” (since Matt is missing) into a group together for their final project. Marc asks for a new team and Bernadette says she could be his team and give him a taste of someone with “experience.” She’s hitting on a gay guy. Did she not get the Cougar memo? “I’m good with Betty and ‘Chair,’ ” he says as Matt comes rushing in. He went to see an “amazing exhibit at the Whitney” and he lost track of time. And his job, apparently.

Their final project? They have to do a photo shoot and feature article for whatever magazine they draw out of her handbag (don’t ask). And what editors-in-training could afford a real photo shoot? Jesus. Betty picks “music” as the type of magazine they will be doing. Bernadette makes her draw again and she gets “physical science.” Their topic? Both. “You didn’t think I’d make this easy, did you?” Bernadette asks. No, crazy bitch, they didn’t.

Now the bad news. Due to hiring freezes in the industry, YETI is only setting up job interviews for three people – only the winning team will get interviews. “That is just the way reality is, and sometimes reality sucks,” Bernadette says. I’ll say. I wish I had something to quench my thirst.

This girl-on-girl action would horrify the straight, too!

OH MY GOD! Did you guys know there is a new cherry antioxidant product available?!?!?! I wish I had known in advance of this commercial that just bashed me over the head with their anti-aging chemicals. Damn! Well, okay, the can is a pretty color.

Over at the apartment formerly known as Betty’s, she, Marc, and Matt are all trying to come up with non-sucky ideas for the magazine and are losing the battle. Matt suggests jazz musicians playing telescopes instead of instruments. Marc wants to do something amazing and Betty says, “U2 on the space shuttle!” She is so stupid sometimes. Then Amanda starts screaming about some YouTube video and Matt runs over. He should really consider adding Ritalin to whatever antibiotics he must be on non-stop thanks to his sexoholicism.

Betty suggests using the planetarium and Marc says something about their laser light show sans Pink Floyd, but instead using a current musician and style them 70s glam rock. You know, he really could run his own magazine if he would escape the Wil-menator. Betty’s article idea is how we search to connect in this vast universe and music unites us. “I have no idea what that means but it sounded great!” Marc says.

Betty will write the article, book the photographer (with what money???) and the caterer, because what shoot can go on without doughnuts. I really wish I had started this recap spelling that “donuts,” is would have been so much easier. Marc says he’ll find the band – any good musician is only 5 degrees of gay away. Amanda and Matt the Tool are cracking up at a YouTube gopher video. They should totally do it, but they probably already have and have just forgotten the tryst.

I guess they have to imitate gopher
because they are too tired of beaver.

“I’m worried that Mr. Short-Attention Span over there really isn’t focused,” Marc says, more politely than I would have. Betty isn’t worried and asks Matt if there was something in particular he wanted to do. He says he knows someone at the Planetarium and “will give her a call.” I’m going to take a wild guess and say Mommy, but let’s wait and see if my spoiler alert is true.

Back at the office, Betty calls Marc 20 feet away and tells him she has already booked the photographer as well as Papi for the catering because he didn’t start a new job recently and he has plenty of time to cook burros. I mean churros. Marc tells Betty once again that he thinks Matt is out to lunch, then says, “We only have 4 days to put this together,” and I’m thinking YETI is a really stupid program with very little value if all they are giving these kids is 4 days to pull this off – even if they weren’t working that would be a tough one. Stupid, hairy, YETI.

Marc tells her that one of the other groups already kicked out their slacker and when Betty plays dumb, Marc explains in food terms so Betty understands. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and Matt’s looking a lot like lunch!” Hope they have something to drink with that dog.

Over in Daniel’s office, he has nothing better to do than look at engagement rings and whine to his mother he can’t find a good one. Or…OR…you could take the work day to run your MAGAZINE. “Am I crazy for even talking about this?” He asks Claire. Claire says yes, pretty much, when you talk about spending your life with a dying woman. But isn’t that par for the course when it comes to Daniel’s ability to commit?

Daniel says that it is going to be painful whether they get married or not, so why not make one of Molly’s dreams come true? Claire agrees and tells Daniel that even with all the ups-and-downs she and Bradford had, they always had love. Really? Because you were an alcoholic harpy and he was a philanderer, and that doesn’t sound like a lot of love was being shared. She hands Daniel her diamond ring to give to Molly. Wow, that is a lot of bad karma to be passing on to a soon-to-be-dead woman. Ask her now!

Betty walks into the office and Daniel gives her the hand, she gets pissy and Claire gives her the hand then turns Betty (not an easy maneuver) to the balcony where Molly was just hanging out while Daniel surfed the net for rings. Daniel gets on one knee and asks Molly to marry him, she says yes, I barf, and Claire and Betty cry.

At Casa Suarez, Hilda thinks Daniel and Molly getting married is nice since Molly will have someone by her side when she starts losing her hair. Papi walks in and is greeted with the “pity ‘Hi’ ” because everyone knows Elena is considering a job 3000 miles away. They tell him he should tell Elena she should stay because of what he has to offer. “If you like it, put a ring on it,” Justin says. Turns out Papi didn’t think they’d approve. But now that he knows they like her, they’ll get engaged. Because nothing says love like getting engaged to stop someone from moving away.

Over at Marc’s apartment, he comes screaming in that someone named Adele agreed to do their photo shoot, and I show my age by not knowing who in the hell that is. “I was able to secure it in five degrees,” Marc says, and it did have to go through Kevin Bacon who although not gay is always a part of any “degrees” situation. Marc tells Matt that he already told them the shoot would be at the planetarium so “Don’t let me down.” Except that oops! Matt already did because it fell through.

Condemned to work for Wilhelmina Slater for another year? I WILL KILL YOU!

“When I called them this afternoon they said they already booked it for something else,” Matt says. Marc goes to kill him much like I would. Marc screams at him for waiting so long then says, “SIDEBAR,” and pulls Betty into the shower in the middle of the room, closing the curtain behind him. “We are voting him off the island, he is the weakest link, auf wiedersehen, that’s it, goodbye!”

This would almost be erotic if we didn’t make each other retch.

“I can hear you, you know,” Matt says. “THAT WAS THE POINT!” Marc yells, opening the curtain. “This was just for dramatic effect.” Matt asks Betty if she wants to fire him too and after a long pause, she says no, but that this is really important to them but for whatever reason it seems like Matt doesn’t care. Maybe that’s because every night he sleeps on a big pile of money and sometimes he slathers on baby oil so when he wakes up the money is sticking all over him. Don’t Betty and Marc do the same thing?

“You’re right,” he says, “I’m going to get out of your way.” What a wuss! Betty runs after him as Marc says, “Bye!” I’m with Marc on this one, they really would be better off without Richie Rich getting in the way of their careers.

Now, did anyone else’s screen go black here for like 2 or 3 minutes, or was that just my squirrels eating the satellite cable? Luckily, I found the fated conversation between Matt and Betty in the apartment hallway. Should have had this little conversation in front of JESSE’S door.

Matt fesses up to Betty that he’s losing his passion for publishing. I’ve lost my passion for my career, but as long as the checks keep cashing and the insurance is paid, I’m good to go (why do you think I recap?). What is he drawn to? Art. He wants to oil paint. Well, at least he didn’t say finger-paint. He didn’t, did he? Betty, with a confused look on her face, supports him because that’s all she’s good at with the men she dates.

I can’t believe I let this nutcase at my goodies!

The next day Marc tells Betty he can’t book their option #2 so they are screwed with a capital S. Betty makes a funny about Amy Winehouse that didn’t take much effort since the woman is a walking trainwreck of biblical proportions (translation: worse than Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears pushed together, see, I can make a funny too).

All of a sudden Betty gets a call that they did get the planetarium; all she has to do is go down and sign the contract. Thanks, Matt. I wonder how much renting the planetarium in New York City costs? I bet she can afford it on her assistant’s salary no problem. Just bill it to Cal Hartley because the planetarium POPS like product placements.

Marc has to stay behind to referee Willie and Claire arguing about a wedding dress. Willie says the model looks hideous and Claire hits below the belt, saying, “The love of your life stole all your money and fled the continent to get away from you, no wonder you don’t like a happy wedding dress.” Good one, Claire. Willie tells Claire that because she got married “5,000 years ago,” she probably doesn’t know what’s in now. Claire volleys back that it’s no wonder Wilhelmina prefers black wedding dresses since she killed her groom at the alter.

Marc turns to the staff and says, “We’ve got to get you all out of here!” As Claire and Willie play tug-of-war with the emaciated model, Marc tells the staff to “serpentine” their way out. They clasp hands and like a snake get the hell out of dodge. The model’s dress rips and it looks much better.

Model as wishbone! Crack her good
if you want your wish to come true!

Over in Daniel’s office, absolutely no work is getting done as he and Sweet November are meeting with a wedding planner. She tells him that Molly gets whatever she wants. Try to pick out something that will match the satin lining of your coffin, Molly. It will just save time and money.

The planner asks what kind of venue they had in mind and Molly wants to have it at the Hotel Bora Bora on the beach under the stars. Way to go, Bridezilla. “I want it to be like a party,” Molly says, having never been to a wedding reception before. “Tacos and margaritas instead of lobster and champagne.” Just go to Vegas, honey, they can do that there. Or Brooklyn.

Then they tell the planner they want to get married at the end of the month. Again…Vegas. The planner says this would take 8-9 months which we all know Molly doesn’t have. Daniel reminds her it is whatever Molly wants. Way to make the planner eat her words! Eat them, bizzitch!

Why rush, it’s not like someone’s dying…oh, wait…

Over at the planetarium, Betty is clearly the only one taking advantage of Free Wednesdays because the place is vacant. Suddenly a silhouette appears as the music for 2001: A Space Odyssey plays and who can it be? Victoria Hartley! Who could have seen that coming except all of us.

What’s with all the silhouetting this week,
is it Victorian-Era Art Week? Damn you Hallmark!

Victoria tells Betty that in order to get the planetarium for Betty, she called her friend Bitsy, threatened to blackmail her, and boom! The planetarium is Betty’s. Now that’s service! But Betty ain’t buying it. She wonders why Victoria would be doing this when they didn’t get off to the best start.

“Don’t choke on your adult braces,” Victoria says, as she dims the lights. She tells Betty she wants to show her a presentation they put together for an intervention they did for Matt. This guy just gets better and better with each episode, doesn’t he? WHERE IS GIO!?!?!

Victoria clicks to a picture of Matt running a marathon…until mile 25 when he quit to follow his new passion, karate. He got to brown belt when he quit that to follow yet another passion, pottery. “And here…” she says, clicking to a picture of the mushroom on her painting from the ill-fated dinner party. “…why that’s your mushroom cap on my painting, how did that get in there?” Then she shows Matt with a cow which I’m hoping he didn’t violate. He was studying to be a large animal vet. “His dream died, so did Tiny,” the elephant.

He’s just waiting for Patrick Swayze
to spoon him at the wheel.

“Why are you showing me these things?” Betty asks. “It does seem odd given I don’t care for you,” Victoria says and I do a spit-take. I wish she’d adopt me, we could be rude together. “But your plucky, immigrant zeal could be a good thing.” She tells Betty she wants Matt back in YETI. Betty tells her he’s pretty passionate about art now, but Victoria says she doesn’t want Matt to be one of those “incredibly rich men who never accomplish anything.” You mean like Trump?

“I think if he finishes this program, he’ll stick with publishing,” she says. “Of course, I can’t tell him that.” Well, couldn’t you put him in a financial time-out until he gets his shit together? Cut off the money and when he has to pay his own way, he’ll shape up. Or live in the gutter. Betty says she doesn’t feel comfortable telling him that and I’m thinking what does she have to tell him? Just invite him back into the group.

Victoria hands the contract to Betty and tells her good luck with the planetarium, she knows how important it is for her career. “It would be such a shame if anything went wrong,” she threatens. I love this woman, threatening a plucky immigrant who is actually a plucky American.

Marc is like, “Wake up and smell the quid pro quo, of course she’s going to take it away if we don’t get Matt back in the group.” He and Victoria would make a hell of a team, wouldn’t they? Betty’s upset because she feels like she’s using Matt to finish the project, “Not seeing the problem!” Marc quips, but she also wants to help Matt finish something. Come on, Betty, didn’t you see this when you first met him and he said something about almost finishing law school and almost finishing veterinarian school and…how the hell old is Matt?

Marc clarifies for her. He says he doesn’t care about her relationship, but if they don’t get Matt back into the group, they don’t get the planetarium and if they don’t get that their project and future careers are dead. “We’re out of options at Mode. Just make it work!” he tells Betty. I love problem-solvers.

That’s one way to get her out of her pants, spill lunch on her.

Over at Casa Marriage Proposal, Elena is being served lunch by Papi who manages to spill it all over the place. Elena is like, “Yo, what up, dawg?” and Papi gets on his knees and proposes. She accepts. This is never going to happen. And oh my God, I just realized as he hugged her he is still wearing his wedding ring from the original wife. Dude. Duuuude. Dude.

You didn’t wear that ring while having sex
with her, did you? So, so bad, Papi.

Back at Mode, Matt stops by the cafeteria with a huge pile of art books. Betty asks Matt if he thinks it would be worth finishing YETI before moving on to the next thing. She says it’s only one week, his art class doesn’t even start until the following week, blah-blah-blah. Then he says what every girl loves to hear, “You sound like my mother.” Betty stumbles and he says, “It’s okay. Coming from you it doesn’t make me want to break things.” Mature.

Do you remember when he really wanted to meet Betty for a drink at that bar and when she showed up he did that cute thing by looking relieved and putting his hands on the bar and it made my toes curl? Yeah, that Matt no longer exists. Now it’s sexoholic, mama’s-boy, daddy-hating, spoiled rich kid. So close, and yet so far away from Gio.

“Maybe I was a little selfish leaving you guys in a lurch like that,” he says. Maybe? Betty asks if he’ll come back to the group. “Well when you do that cute little squinty thing with your eyes, how can I say no?” Matt, that’s a twitch she has. Rude to bring it up! “And don’t worry. You’re nothing like my mother.” Try to remember that when you’re having sex.

At the planetarium where the shoot is probably costing them two grand an hour, Matt is telling the makeup artist that some of the aliens are sweating. Way to take charge, Matt! Marc introduces Betty to Adele’s manager who asks if this is some kind of “school project.” Way to know what you are getting your client into. Are you taking 10%?

Hi Matt, just back from Hell. Satan says he’s
going to be a little late for your 11 o’clock.

As Matt is bossing people around, his mother shows up. She says she was just having lunch with Bitsy, “As usual, hers was liquid,” and she wanted to stop by and see him finishing his YETI project. “I’m proud of you,” she says, in what I’m guessing is an unusual moment of tenderness. “I’m glad you’re seeing something through.”

As she leaves she touches Betty’s arm and says something and then walks off. Matt comes up to Betty and asks if his mother put her up to this. Uh, your mother just touched Betty’s arm and not to shove her somewhere. Clearly they are in cahoots. Oh, I said it: CAHOOTS.

Sorry, I had some Polaner All-Fruit on my fingers
and your double-poly is just the thing I needed.

Daniel is in his office looking at wedding gifts as Molly shows up. The guys showing the gifts shows them copper cookware. “You two will be cooking with these for the next 50 years,” he says. Or 50 days. “That’s a long time,” she says. Guy continues, “Oh please, the first year of marriage flies by…or so I hear. Then you’ll be having babies,” and lose all your single friends who have lives.

“This is a mistake,” Molly says. “We can’t get married.” Guy exits quickly and Daniel tells her they can do this. Molly states the obvious that although Daniel has given her a lot of things, he can’t give her more time. Do you think he wants to marry her so he can get those things back legally?

At Casa Suarez, the phone rings and Papi answers. Turns out it’s for Elena and Papi says she doesn’t work there anymore but he can get a message to her. Before hanging up, he says, “I’ll be sure to ask her.” Hmmm. What could it be? If it’s a job offer, how dumb was that for a company to do – leave a message with a previous employer?

Willie and Claire go screaming into Cal Hartley’s office since clearly they haven’t mopped up the bodies left after the Russian earthquake and he’s in the office making love to his product placement. Willie says she runs the top fashion magazine in the world (what about Dog Fancy?) and Claire “runs a dinky insert for menopausal old ladies.”

“Cal, you kept me because I’m the best in the business, and as such there are three C’s I avoid,” Willie says. OH, not the C-word! “Collaboration, compromise, and Claire,” she finishes. “And trust me, I chose the nice C there.” Damn, how did this get by the censors? “And what do you have to say,” Cal asks Claire. Claire agrees. But her third “C” is “Cal,” but she keeps that inside.

“While I think I actually did fix her bizarre black wedding dress concept, the spread is never going to get done with both of us working on it.” For the sake of Mode she wants to take herself off this project. Willie asks her what game she’s playing. “No game,” Claire says. “Life’s too short.” Yeah, just ask Molly McButter.

Cal takes her off the project. With Willie on her way, Cal would like to “speak to Claire” about something. Is that what you kids are calling it these days?

I’m sorry, they think this is going to be a winning project how now?

At the planetarium, Matt is being a whiney little bitch telling Betty he can’t believe she went behind his back to his mother. He says he feels like she just had him re-join YETI just so she could get the planetarium. Betty says she thought he was helping him finish something. “Did she show you the slideshow?” Matt asks. Yes, and they are running it on the Times Square Jumbotron you arrogant prick. He can’t believe Betty believed his manipulative mother.

“Some of what she said actually made sense,” Betty says, and let’s not forget you do have a history of not finishing things, doyee. She and Matt get into a huge fight about this project that ends up being about them, and finally Marc has to intervene.

“HEY!” he says. “We lost Adele. Her manager heard you two fighting and called this ‘Amateur Hour.’ ” So now they have the shoot set up and no “major” singer. Marc decides to call Bernadette for “help” a.k.a. to sleep with her to fix things. Ew. Matt decides to leave. “I might as well live up to my reputation,” he says. Quitter!

Daniel shows up to the planetarium shoot and Betty’s whining about how they lost Adele, Marc took off, and she got into a fight with Matt. Sorry she hasn’t been at work all day. “It actually sounds like you had a worse day than I did,” says Daniel because once again it’s all about him. “Molly cancelled our wedding.” Daniel said if it wasn’t for all the troublesome wedding stuff, he’d marry her right now.

“Why don’t you?” Betty says. “Right here?” Way to manipulate the situation to save your YETI project and career! Whoopeee! She’s serious. They have the venue all night (seriously, who the hell paid for that?!?), a photographer, and wedding gowns back at Mode. If Molly picks a black one, that will once again save time and money! “And tacos are coming! You said Molly wanted tacos! Under the stars!” They look up to see the PLANETARIUM STARS.

Let’s take lemons and make cherry antioxidant lemonade!

Daniel runs off to get Molly and the next scene is of them getting married by some alien. Claire asks Betty if the ceremony is legally binding. Why, did you forget the pre-nup? Trust me, she ain’t taking anything with her, Claire. The alien is an ordained minister, so yep. “A mother’s dream,” Claire says.

The minister/alien says, “So long as you both shall live,” to Daniel and he knows he’ll be out of this by the season finale, so he says, “I do.” They are pronounced widower and wife. Claps all around! Except for Matt who just has the clap.

The only way the Vatican will let women become priests:
If they are our alien overlords from another planet.

At the reception, Claire comes up to Willie and says it’s a wonderful night. Willie agrees since Claire is finally marrying off her “man whore.” She’s got you there, Claire. “Oh, you haven’t heard,” Claire says. She tells Willie that Cal was impressed with her creativity and the way she put the magazine ahead of herself, so he made her Senior Vice President of Meade. “I report only to him and I have a say in ALL Meade publications, including Mode so try to clear your calendar on Monday to pitch me ideas,” she says. What about Hot Flash? Who’s going to run the sweaty old lady magazine now?

Needless to say, Willie is pissed. She pushes some aliens out of her way and goes into one of the exhibits. Behind the glass we see her screaming, smashing the planets, but no one can hear her. Why? Because in space…no one can hear you scream!

DON’T open the pod bay doors, HAL.

Betty is dancing with Daniel and Matt comes by. “May I cut in?” he asks. I don’t know, will you be finishing this dance, ass? Matt says if he steps on her feet it’s because he’s a bad dancer, and she says if she steps on his, it’s because she’s still mad. Betty, a knee to the nads would get your point across better. I’m going to make t-shirts: Knee to the Knads! I think that extra “k” adds a little something.

He tells Betty that he wants to find something he’s passionate about, but he hasn’t found it yet, that’s why he keeps trying. You might be more passionate if you actually finished something and had that sense of accomplishment, but then again maybe not. Who knows. “Please, don’t give up on me,” he begs. If she didn’t give up on you because of your sexoholicism, your mother, your father, chances are good the unfinished projects aren’t going to be an issue.

Betty was right! Matt found a new love interest already!

Suddenly Carnie Wilson breaks up their dance and Betty freaks out. Maybe she thinks Wilson Phillips is getting back together? “Adele!” Betty screams. “What are you doing here?” Ohhh. You kids and your music these days. She says she’s here for the photo shoot as well as the foot massage Marc promised her, “Ta-ra,” she says. Ta-ra? No seriously, that’s what the closed captioning says. Ta-ra. Meh.

Papi is at the wedding (taco city, baby!), and he comes up to Elena to give her the ring he bought. Actually, it’s a plane ticket. To California. He said the hospital called and said she hadn’t turned the job down yet. Why would they have left that message with him? She says they’ll still see each other long-distance. See ya, Elena, you were one character who didn’t bug the hell out of me, so of course you are leaving.

As the most interesting character,
I must ask you to leave.

Adele is singing, and I seriously have no idea who this woman is, but kudos to her agent for product-placing her on Ugly Betty with the cherry antioxidant in liquid form.

“So, a couple getting married…crazy space aliens…and a woman smashing planets…and Adele…” Bernadette says back at YETI probably the next day because things move just that quickly. “I love it!” Of course she does, it makes no sense. They are the YETI winners! “You are the future of publishing!” Oh shit, I’m canceling all of my periodicals.

Bernadette tells them they won because of their work ethic and “not because of anything extra-curricular one of you may have done last night,” she says, looking longingly at Marc. So basically they won because Marc serviced Bernadette, not because they had any real talent. Great.

Betty thanks Matt for…whatever and they kiss. Marc tells Bernadette he’s going to a sing-a-long and “you know that men who normally go to sing-a-longs are…” he says. “A catch?” she finishes. “I love sing-a-longs. We certainly have a lot in common.” Put on your hetero face, Marc.

Oh my God, I may have to see boobies again!

Daniel and Molly are getting ready for the honeymoon and she’s letting him pick out her clothes because now that she’s married she has no thoughts of her own. Should he really be leaving town right now what with the new infusion of cash to save his company? Moron.

Molly’s brushing her teeth and heads into the bathroom while Daniel babbles on and on about what she can wear if they ever get out of their bedroom. He asks if she has any sunscreen and she doesn’t answer, probably because she’s dead.

In breaking news, Molly’s dead. Actually, she just passed out on the floor and I must know who made that bathmat because I did not hear a thing and that must be some plush rug! Daniel rushes in and says, “Molly, Molly, can you hear me? Do you want me to call for help?” And we fade to black as Daniel tries to remember the number for 911.

Maybe she just realized she married Daniel Meade.

Next week? The two-hour season finale! Matt is talking future with Betty, looks like Betty is interviewing for a new job or at least shaking hands with someone at a better office than Mode and life is good…until Henry reappears because he’s hedging his bets on Harper’s Island. She says she loves Matt, but when she saw Henry, he “took her breath away.” Why, is he a Dementor now? Dun-dun-dunnnnn! WHERE IS GIO!?!?

Henry’s back!