Ugly Betty: Yours is the Saddest Story I’ve Ever Heard

We open this episode of Ugly Betty with Betty shoving her face through a crack in a door. It’s a good look. She’s asking someone if she can talk to him and he answers that he’s doing crunches and wants to know if she’s got the money. I’m intrigued. Or hungry. She says she has some of the money. Back alley abortion? Did Mode cut their health insurance?

Sweet, merciful crap!

Man voice agrees to hear Betty’s sob story and we go back to two days ago. I love flashback sequences, except I don’t, but since the show has been pretty good lately, I’ll cut them some slack. Betty is talking with Marc about how she was inspired by a biography she read about Audrey Hepburn and Marc says he hated Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Oh my God, so did I! I didn’t get the appeal and instead tried to figure out how to go back in time to smack the shit out of Audrey’s character. Was her name Tiffany?

Betty is fascinated that Audrey gave up being a star to do good in the world and it made Betty think. Think what? Are you considering giving up complete anonymity to do good in the world? No, turns out she wants to write stories about people who do inspiring and selfless things. Why, why, why does she always forget she works at a FASHION magazine where people just don’t care? Oy, this one.

Instead, Marc hands her the next assignment – the comfortable stiletto. Yawn.

Back in prison, Willie’s sitting on Connor’s lap, wearing the tackiest earrings since Dynasty. Aren’t the guards looking through the window while Connor and Willie have sex? Ick. Connor tells her she really needs to get her own life instead of spending time having hot prison sex. She says she’s happy, now cuff her and shut the hell up.

Those earrings make me want to fight her until
we both end up in a pool!

Back at Mode, Daniel is bemoaning the fact that the magazine lost a lot of ad revenue under Hartley. Marc skims over that and asks Daniel when they are shaving the beard. Does he mean Betty? Is Betty Daniel’s beard? Oh, no, he meant that literally. Turns out Daniel likes it. Since he keeps it neat and relatively free of debris, I’m kind of okay with it.

Willie storms in and requests Marc’s assistance because she’s working like an 8-year old seamstress. She just doesn’t have time to replace him – or is there a more sinister plan brewing?

Over at some coffee shop, Betty is eavesdropping on a couple talking about doing charity work. You know, I know the Ugly Betty writers couldn’t have planned this, but it is interesting this episode coincided with everything going on in Haiti and the idea of giving back. Or did they plan it? Evil bitches.

Matt arrives and Betty tells him to hush up while she listens to another couple’s more interesting conversation. The man is talking about a charity identical to Habitat for Humanity, but because they didn’t pay for the ad time he calls it “Happy Homes.” The woman he’s talking to says she hates him for doing good (?) and Betty says, “Me too.” Uh, your cover is blown!

I would say E.T. phone home, but with those ears
you don’t need a listening device.

Betty tells Matt that’s what she wants to be writing about…people like that who do things like that and SNORE. Then go write for Loves and Hugs and Kisses magazine instead of Mode. And how’s Matt’s day going? It involved yoga and picking a wall color. So you’re a society wife now?

Betty picks up her menu and her knife falls to the ground. Hope she stabs me with it so I don’t have to hear anymore about her do-gooder crap. But instead, she starts looking at people’s shoes and comes up with the idea of writing about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.

Betty pitches the idea about writing about an inspiring woman and the shoes she wears and her first concept is a woman wearing work boots. How is Wilhelmina not throwing something sharp at her? Instead, she just snaps a pencil and asks what was wrong with the given assignment. “You’re not paid for your voice, you’re paid to imitate mine,” Willie says. Amen. She has everyone stare Betty out the door since she now gets NO story. Dumbass.

“That’s it?” says Fischer Stephens. When the hell did he drop by? “Your boss was mean to you?” Oh, he’s the man voice from the other side of the door. I don’t know what it is about him, but he totally creeps me out. I don’t know if it was his turn as Michelle Pfeiffer’s undeserving boyfriend, his spot on Friends talking about large coffee mugs with nipples, or just the fact that he seems like a pedophilic Doug Henning. And that is NOT an illusion, baby.

And he probably finds this hot.

The picture shifts to Betty’s food which is in a splint. She’s on crutches and as the camera pans up, we see she has a lot of calamine lotion all over her chest and face and some big-ass hair going on under a wool hat. Methinks she has more to discuss.

Back to Betty’s story, Betty calls Hilda to tell her she’s going to ask for the story back while Hilda screams at Bobby for being a pig and getting spaghetti all over their carpeted floor. He does seem to need a bib. And plastic spread out beneath him. Casa de Suarez is like the black hole of unemployment.

Betty goes in and eats crow’s feet and begs for the story back. Wilhelmina hands her a pair of hellacious shoes and tells her to walk a mile in them and yes, she can tell the distance by the soles. So walk the damn mile.

Are those titanium? Hope you don’t step on anyone.

Betty attempts to walk the mile and bumps into Daniel who holds her up for a few steps. Daniel is pissed about Marc forgot to book his car so he has to walk – wah-wahhh – and Betty’s like Marc is a great assistant. Again, methinks Marc is trying to go back to Willie, but why? Daniel peels off and Betty goes flying into the street.

The blue tights really pull the outfit together.

Back at Mode she comes hobbling in on crutches and Willie says she can never tell with Betty. “Is this an accessory you are trying to work or are you really injured?” Oh, Willie, j’adore you. Betty hands Willie the shoes and she says, “Wow, a mile AND a quarter.” Turns out Betty just walked to the hospital in them after spraining her ankle, wrote the piece, and emailed it to Willie. You’d think the hazing of Betty days were over, but Willie was gone for awhile and must be making up for lost time.

Willie gives Betty another story – writing about lotion. She tells her to use it for two days and report back. When Marc asks if it’s really lotion, Willie says it is…by Ukrainian standards. Those are the toughest of all! For an Eastern European country, at least.

It’s also a feminine lubricant.

Marc asks Willie why she’s so cranky and it turns out she’s upset about what Connor says. So she has a plan. Marc makes her promise not to break him out of prison…but her idea is worse than prison! She stops by to see Connor and hands him a jewelry box. It has two rings in it, and the diamond one is really, really, really small considering it’s Willie. “We’re getting married,” she tells Connor. Just like the Menendez brothers!

Wow, you can really see the diamondelles!

Connor fights it, but the power of Willie is hard to overcome, so he agrees. Yeah, this ain’t happening.

Because Connor already married the tattoo head behind him!

Over at Casa de Hormones, Betty is having dinner with the family sans Papi (I guess he has to work 3 jobs to pay for everybody) and Matt. Matt says he may have someone for Betty to interview for her walk-a-mile story. His family supports an organization that does charity work in Botswana (because rich white socialites prefer their African Americans in Africa) and the woman running it is in town for a week before heading back. Matt spoke with her and said she’d be perfect for Betty’s interview. Also, did anyone else start to see what was going to happen, because I sure as hell did!

Hilda becomes useful and suggests that if Betty can’t write the story for Mode, she should start her own blog. Matt agrees and could totally hook her up with his Lil’ Billionaire Blog tutorial. “This could be the first step in creating your own magazine,” Hilda says. When did she go to business school – maybe in her spare time? She must have an MBA by now.

Betty decides to do it! “I’d be happy to inspire one person!” Hope you know that person is the one you see naked every once in awhile. Then she asks if the lotion should be burning and we see she’s getting red splotches everywhere. Damn you, Ukraine!

Back at Mode, Betty asks Amanda if she can use her old apartment to do some of her interviews and Amanda’s like sure, it’s been empty since we moved out. You’d think Betty would have gotten a call from the landlord about missing the rent payments, but whatever. Turns out Amanda and Marc moved out months earlier and Amanda didn’t tell Betty because she was still mad about Matt. Which occurred just a couple of weeks ago so once again, we are lost in Ugly Betty Time.

Are you there God? It’s me, Mandy.

Bobby stops by Casa de Lots of Out-Front Parking and asks Hilda what she’s doing. Clearly she’s putting Velcro rollers into someone’s hair, meaning she ACTUALLY HAS A CUSTOMER. He wants to take her out. Does he not work? Was his family’s car dealership one of the ones unceremoniously shut down by Detroit? Hilda says she has another appointment after this one. Seriously?

No, I’ve told you before, big hair won’t make you look thinner!

Bobby says he thinks she’s being mean because she’s almost done raising a kid and now she has to raise another one. Yeah, that would probably put me in a pissy mood too. That and the fact I was stupid enough to have sex without birth control.

Bobby grabs her schedule and says as of now, it’s “Hilda Week.” IT’S ALWAYS HILDA WEEK because she never works on anyone but herself! He tells her every day he’s going to take her out and do something for her. With the money from your allowance? Where, where can I find these kinds of jobs?

Fat curler lady looks at her and half-curled, says, “Go. Go, or I’m going.” You know she’s just going to rob you when you leave. Plus, who comes to the salon in the middle of the day for a Velcro-curler roll except a decrepit blue-hair?

At Mode Marc tells Daniel to hurry to grab the car to meet some people, then as he gives Daniel his briefcase he clearly on-purpose throws a cup of coffee on Daniel’s coat. He tears that jacket off Daniel and pulls out a new jacket from a nearby hanger for Daniel to wear. What the hell is Marc up to? He tells Daniel to hurry to meet his group at Waverly and Daniel says he thought it was someplace different and Marc says don’t doubt him. Don’t, Daniel.

Over at Betty’s empty apartment, Matt shows Betty her new blog entitled, “B” with the motto “To inspire at least ONE person.” Man is she going to be pissed and lonely when she finds out who that one person is. There’s a knock at the door and it’s their first interview. Would you ever go to a stranger’s apartment for an “interview” and “some pictures.” I think we all remember what happened to Irene Cara in the movie Fame. I still get creeped out!

Matt’s new hobby? Pedophilia!

Back in Ugly Betty Time, she has numerous interviews that evening and Matt takes pictures of work boots, ballet slippers, and tranny heels. And guess who’s coming to shoeland? The granny who works in Botswana. She tells Matt and Betty about why she works there and how important it is to help those less fortunate. All I can do is focus on Betty’s collar. She’s either going to clown school or having a baby because those are the only two reasons you should be wearing something that has an 8-inch diameter of fabric around your neck. Okay, maybe bondage.

Maybe she’s pregnant with a clown baby?

“After realizing how lovely these people were, I had to do more than write a check,” she tells Matt and Betty, and clearly this resonates with Matt, mostly because it’s that time of the year for him to find a completely new and different passion/hobby.

On the streets of New York, Bobby is banging on the door of some building and Hilda wants to know what her surprise is. Bobby says he brought her here to see Ace of Base, their favorite high school band. He says he was sure his friend said they were playing on Tuesday. Too bad it’s Wednesday, Hilda says. These two were made for each other.

Sitting alone in her apartment, Betty is on the phone telling Matt she’s too afraid to hit the “publish” button. Welcome to the recapper’s world, Betty. Matt tells her to do it while on the phone. Worst phone sex ever. She does and violà, it’s published!

Suddenly there is a knock at the door and it’s the landlord. He tells her he sent her letters (to where?) and he called her work (how did he not reach her – she’s still there) and now he wants her out. He also says if he doesn’t get the last two months of back rent, he’s going to sue. Hope she had a contract with Amanda and Marc, and I’m guessing no.

Back from the dead?
No, wait…that’s his career.

“Two months’ back rent?” she asks. See, that would have been my first question to Amanda – WHO IS PAYING THE RENT? Because I’m sure that Amanda and Marc weren’t paying for both places. Duh.

In present time, the landlord who is listening to Betty’s story says she’s making him look bad and her all innocent. She says she is innocent, and her week got worse. She takes off her wool cap and her hair is crazy messy all over the place. Another Wilhelmina article? Landlord laughs and tells her to keep going.

Looks like it’s time to get back to the groomer!

Betty corners Amanda coming out of the bathroom about her moving out months ago. Didn’t she tell you that before? Amanda tries to escape but Betty uses her powers of crutches to keep Amanda from running. She tells her to fix it. FIX IT!

It’s like she’s at the crutch gyno.

Marc stops by Betty’s desk to hand her hair “stuff” for another article for Wilhelmina. Isn’t there anyone else who writes fluff for this damn magazine? Betty tells Marc she’s okay with the fluff because she has her own blog. “Aww, welcome to six years ago,” Marc says. He turns to leave and sees Matt coming in. “Hey quitter,” he says. “Fancy,” Matt answers back. Heh.

Betty tells Matt she got three hits and one read, “You inspired me.” Matt says he saw it because it was from him and oh-by-the-way could they talk?

Daniel is running out the door for a meeting and Amanda tells him some women from Neiman Marcus are there to see him. Another scheduling snafu! Or is it? Also, they made the woman from Neiman’s look like a bunch of bitches. Score!

Ethnic and bitchy – this meeting is going to be super fun!

Daniel complains to Amanda that since Marc has been working with Willie, he’s been screwing things up – forgetting appointments, cars, ordering Daniel lunches and dinners. He tells Amanda that the guys from DSquared (I had to look it up, I’m just that cool) had to come meet him at another bar because Marc messed up the location. Then it dawns on Daniel – wait for it…there it is! He thinks Marc wants to go back to Willie.

Back on the hip streets of New York, Bobby has blindfolded Hilda and told her that Ace of Base was actually playing on Thursday and here they are! Ace of Base is playing in the middle of a work day? Well, I guess anyone who would really want to come see them is probably unemployed and has that kind of time.

But Hilda’s Batphone rings and it’s Justin who is sick and needs his mommy. Seriously? How old is he? Can he not crack open a can of chicken noodle and find the remote on his own?

Back at Betty’s and Matt’s discussion of what is about to be woe. Matt is telling Betty all the cool stuff his family’s organization is doing for the people in Botswana and now they have running water (welcome to 100 years ago) and Betty is excited to see Matt’s passion. Hold that thought, Betty.

So…Betty…this is going to be awkward. Matt spoke to the granny volunteer and has decided to go on the next tour of volunteering with her in Africa. “Africa-Africa?” Betty asks. No, he’s talking about Harlem which has more white people in it now than ever before. He says he plans to leave with them in the next week. Will that be enough time to get all of your shots? I mean, let’s face it. Every disease known to mankind has started on that continent. You may want to take some aspirin with you.

My next thought was…does this open the door for the Return of GIO???? Please! Please! Please!

Over at the halls of injustice, Willie stops by in another throwback to Dynasty (seriously, does she not know about the shoulder pad ban of 1990?) and a hat that makes me think she must have landed on the prison’s helipad. She asks to see Connor.

Cruella de Ville needs her next animal coat and she’d like one made of inmate.

The guard tells her Connor has been transferred to another prison and he can’t tell her where. Nah-na-na-nahh-nahhh. Talk about a Bridezilla ending! Turns out he left an envelope for her but she wants her Connor not his cheap prison stationery!

Willie screams and yells and stomps and tries to get back to the cells, but then realizes the Connor did this on purpose. That’s right. He transferred prisons to avoid marrying you. Hard not to take that one personally. She storms off and Marc grabs the envelope. Worst Dear Jill letter ever, I’m sure.

Jesus, that’s beautiful skin. What is that, Bare Essentials?

“Six months?” Betty asks Matt. “Why do you have to go for six months?” Because it takes two to actually get to Africa, Betty. Betty is not thrilled. Matt tells her she’s the one who told him to find meaning in his life. I think she meant within the 5 boroughs, Matt. Man, she’s gotta be kicking herself now.

“What is this going to mean for us?” she asks. He doesn’t think it will change anything. Dude, do you watch the show? She runs through boyfriends faster than nylons, yes, it changes things. But again, if this means Gio may be back in the picture, then please get your vaccines and get on the plane.

“You said you wanted to inspire one person, and you did,” he says. She should hit him with one of her crutches right in the nuts. Let’s recap his life since he joined us: sportswriter, Y.E.T.I. member, sex addict (not really a profession, but still time-consuming), painter, editor, and now philanthropist. Remember when he didn’t know brown corduroy jackets weren’t a good look? How far we’ve come.

Back at Casa de Hairgel, Betty is under a drying as Hilda says she doesn’t believe Matt can survive in Africa. Trust me, there will be a lot of little half-Matts running around in no time.

Betty goes through the litany of careers I just did above (I forgot lawyer – that we pre-sports writing) and then bemoans the fact she was just another cog in his passion wheel. Should have listened to his mother when she warned you and showed you the picture of him working at a potter’s wheel. Another career!

We hear Bobby’s laughter in the background and Hilda says he’s supposed to be at work. It’s nighttime, where does he work? I thought – oh, nevermind, I don’t have the energy.

Instead, Bobby’s sitting with Justin on the couch trying to feed him fever soup. “The ingredients are chicken broth, evil and dirt,” Justin says. Sounds like my career minus the broth. Bobby says to trust him and Hilda smiles at Bobby. Maybe he will be a good dad after all? At least until the kid can outsmart him. In pre-school.

We hear Betty scream “That’s IT!” We don’t see the hideousness but we know it’s there. Betty goes all the way back to Manhattan and storms into Willie’s office – they are both wearing the same clothes so is it the same day? This is weird…she went all the way back to Queens to try the hair stuff then came all the way back? Do they not have salon facilities at Mode? Is it still daylight except in Queens? I’m so confused.

Betty screams at Willie that her ankle hurts, her armpits hurt, he skin is a mess, and her scalp is burning. “All because I wanted to write something that could maybe make the world a little better,” she says. Willie says nothing but continues to stare out the window, unblinking. Reminds me of the time Marc thought she was dead.

Plus, her boobies have deflated.

“Today was supposed to be my wedding day,” she tells Betty. You know, sometimes I like Willie and Betty’s little moments together, but this one seemed kind of forced. Betty goes on to console Willie and I’m thinking they have a very strange passive-aggressive relationship, then I realize it’s a supervisor-subordinate relationship and it’s not that strange after all.

Matt meets Betty in Washington Square where apparently no one else is allowed to be given it’s deserted. Matt says maybe for their sake he should stay there, maybe he can do some good in New York City, etc. and Betty’s like, that’s A LOT of maybes, so why don’t you just Shaka-Zulu your way to the airport and go do some good in Africa. What she forgot to say is “I ain’t waiting!” But I think it was implied for those of us who know her.

Matt says she changed his life and they hug. Ah, Matt, we hardly knew ye. Just like all the other lovahhhs Betty has had, and there have been A LOT. She says now she can write a piece on goodbyes. Snore.

Marc enters Daniel’s office with a cup of coffee and Daniel bitches he was supposed to bring dinner, not coffee. Jesus, feed yourself already, it’s not 1962. Daniel says he knows Marc wants Daniel to fire him so he’ll go back to working for Willie.

Not so fast! Marc has been an evil genius! Marc tells him to get on the scale. Daniel’s lost 8 pounds! And why is that? Because Marc “messed up” his lunches and “forgot” to book his cars – reducing caloric intake while increase his exercise. Why, that’s just crazy enough to work!

And look! Daniel was photographed THREE times for the newspapers this week alone! And it turns out Marc sent him to the wrong restaurant because it’s the cool, new hip place that has paparazzi outside of it. And, he was in the slimming jacket Marc put him in that looks great printed in black and white! Also, Daniel is just a little needy, so making the DSquared guys go to him reverses that. “And P.S.,” Marc says, “It worked. DSquared, Coach, Michael Kors, they’re all back.” Yay ad revenue.

Except this picture makes you look like Lech Walesa.

Marc explains he did all of this for Daniel and when Daniel asks why Marc didn’t just tell him, he says it’s because Daniel didn’t listen to him on shaving the beard. Shave the beard! SHAVE IT!

Time for manscaping! Don’t worry, it’s a Lady Remington.

Betty is back in her old apartment looking around when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Amanda who throws her a wad of cash. She says she sold her hair to make up some of the rent money but in reality she sold her extensions. Used extensions. That girl can sell anything!

Amanda says she moved out when Matt chose Betty over her (you mean like 2 weeks ago? That doesn’t add up to two months). Betty tells her Matt is moving away for awhile and Amanda smiles. You know, if Gio comes back while Matt’s gone, Amanda may get him after all. Then they could do a double wedding for the season finale, just like sitcoms in the 1970s!

Betty considers moving back into her old apartment and I’m guessing it’s because Bobby will be moving into Casa de Oh HELL YES?!?!?! Please please please!

So that’s when Betty showed up on the landlord’s doorstep begging to tell him her long sob story. Suddenly, the two of them end up outside and the landlord is like, yeah, that was a rough week. So she asks if they can figure something out. She says he can raise her rent a little and she could pay him over the next few months. OR – how about Amanda and Marc pay for it? OR – how about they get new renters which would probably take 3 seconds in Manhattan. Doyeee.

Landlord says he’ll raise Amanda and Marc’s rent so they pay him back. He asks her if she wrote her piece on goodbyes yet. She says she has the first paragraph, why? Turns out his wife left him a few months ago because he let himself go. Wow, usually it’s the other way around.

He says he understands about starting over. He tells her to read him that paragraph and he’ll let her move back in. She says it’s a rough draft but sure, here it is…

…and we see Willie reading Connor’s letter to her. He certainly has feminine handwriting. The letter reads, “I did this for you. I love you too much.” Meh. Willie puts the letter in her secret stash box and puts the box back in her curio. Or is it a hutch?

Over at the prison, Connor asks the guard if Willie “bought it.” The guard says yes and Connor says he’ll make the deposit today. With what money? Did the Meades let him keep a debit card?

Giving up sex with Willie for solitary prison time?
Just don’t drop the soap.

Bobby is leaving the house and Hilda says yes, she was freaking out because she was scared she was going to raise a kid all by herself again. But now she knows Bobby is going to stick around. Because he watched TV with your sick kid? That’s hardly a litmus test. I do hope they get married, that would be cute, but I could do without the kid.

Matt and Betty kiss in Washington Square, they both cry, hold hands, and separate. Aren’t they going to have goodbye sex? Well, I guess with all of the calamine and her frizz head, she’s probably not looking too appetizing. She heads off on crutches. If Matt were any kind of man, he would have sent one of his billionaire cars to take her home. Jerk.

How long do I have to hold this pose before I call Gio?

“The trick is to recognize when a goodbye is a good thing,” Betty voices over from her blog paragraph. “A chance to start over.” Hopefully with GIO!

Next week? Betty has a housewarming party with karaoke. Yeah, I hate it too. Then the lights go out in New York and it looks like Daniel tries to kiss Willie in the elevator. And you know what blackouts mean, right? Baby boom 9 months later. Too late for Hilda!