Ultimate Fighter: Don’t Fuck With A Man’s Lucky Charms!!!

Dear Gasmii,

This week not only do we get to learn about Hugger John’s personal boundaries, we also get to see a real fight!! Finally, a toe-to-toe face ‘em and slug ‘em fight!! Well, at least until the fighters hit the ground, then not so much.

Look ma, turtles can fight, too!

You think I’m kidding?

Look ma, those guys are humping like turtles!

This week’s more of a beer and chips type week, so grab a brewski and take the jump. Holy crap, I can’t believe this show has reduced me to typing ‘brewski’…

We start this week with the obligatory flashback of Shrek and Kyle’s light heavyweight fight. And, like normal, the editors intersperse clips of our wannabe fighters giving their carefully considered analysis of the fight.

“My sister could have arm barred Kyle.” She does it all the time with our kids.

However, this week we’re not going to waste a lot of time on incidentals like pee, sperm, or the fights of yesteryore. Instead, this week the editors are going to be focused on the main event. Finally, an episode about a fight, and, well, one or two other things. But, mainly, about the fight. This week we have the final two lightweights, Hugger John Polawkowski and George Roop, battling it out for a spot in the semifinals. Not wasting any time, we go straight to the up close and personal interviews.

Hugger John Polakowski

Hugger John is a genuinely likeable guy who has the misfortune of strongly resembling a meth addict.

Hugs for Drugs!!

Not to despair, though. A makeover always helps these pesky image problems.

It’s much better to look like you spend your days dropping syringes in Tompkins Square park.

Shane Primm describes Hugger John as legally insane. Normally, I would take this description with a grain of salt, but you have to figure that Shane Primm has spent the last six weeks living with Marilyn, peemeisters Vinnie and Tom Lawlor, sperm donator Kyle, and a completely delusional leprachaun. If, out of that cast of characters, Hugger John is the one he designates as legally insane, well then, that’s a pretty good indicator that he’s a complete wackbait, psychodoodle, freakshow. And, I would like to stress that I mean that in the best possible way. After all, Marilyn tells us that “you can’t help to like him.” Of course, with Marilyn’s state of chronic dysfunction, there’s a good chance that anybody who feels comfy to him is traveling in their own alternate reality.

Hugger John has a sole purpose in life, that being to bring hugs to the masses because nobody gives real hugs anymore. So, when he gives a hug, he makes damn sure he does it right and he holds on real tight for a second.

The first UFC sexual harassment suit is born.

George Roop

Out of the blue team, George Roop seems to have kept a singularly low profile during this season. Possibly because he doesn’t incite or participate in pranks, drama, or people bashing. He is in fact a decent hardworking fighter. You’ve got to wonder what the hell he’s doing on the blue team, but he does where an awful lot of red t-shirts.

It’s hard being the token nice guy.

George tells us that he grew up kind of rough and got in a lot of trouble, but when he turned 18 he turned his life around and started training to fight in mma. Apparently, he was a skinny white guy growing up in Tuscon who got beat on a lot until he learned to fight back. As I’m listening to George share his story, I keep getting this weird sense that I’ve heard something like this before from one of the other fighters. Then, finally, it clicked; George is the guy that Marilyn wants to be. But, while Marilyn is all talk, I’m taking it pretty seriously when George matter-of-factly tells us that while Hugger John is one of the nicest guys in the house, he is still going to go into the ring with bad intentions and make him bleed.

And, then, we get some real drama. George is practicing with Shane Nelson and Shane goes for a takedown. Unfortunately George goes down but his right hand stays behind stuck in the cage. OWWWWEEEE!!! I swear George takes it better than I do. He just grabs his hand and runs around the ring, before kneeling and trying to strip off his gloves. I’m jumping up and down, wringing my hands, and punctuating my ‘ow, ow’ with pitiful whimpers. I’m not normally such a wuss, but I saw Blade Runner as a teenager and the finger breaking scene totally traumatized me. George doesn’t know if his hand is broken or if he just tore a tendon, but he can’t make a fist and he can barely grip. Both of which seem to be important things to master, if you’re planning on doing more than bitch slapping your opponent.

“Coach” Frankie inspects George’s injury and reassures him that even if he can just grip a little he’ll be okay. In the confessional, Frank explains that Roop got stuck in the cage, followed by the weirdest quote ever, “we’re not making cupcakes here.” Oh, really? Are you sure you’re up for some culinary smack talking, Frankie? Because I know someone you probably don’t want to piss off with that stuff.

“Piss off, fighter boy!”

Meanwhile, back at the house we have polka music. No, really, polka music. After ten weeks, I think the editors are getting a little bit slap happy, but you can’t really blame them. Get a load of John’s funky hat.

Chips Ahoy, Matey!!

Hugger John has now morphed into Captain Huggyboy and his slogan, because all pirates have a slogan, is “Fire the cannons.”

Nope, no phallic symbolism here.

This morning, our cannon firing, Captain Huggyboy is immersed in the important business of pouring out his Lucky Charms. And, Lordy, Lordy, some bilge-sucking blackguard has pilfered his booty. Yup, it’s shocking, but true. All of the marshmallows in his Lucky Charms are gone. You’ve got to feel for the poor guy. I mean, who wants to eat the dry oat things that make up the other half of the cereal? Captain Huggyboy is one pissed off pirate. Somebody’s going to get seriously keelhauled, or, even worse, he’s not giving out any more hugs to that pesky blue team.

What special person found amusement in spending their time pulling out all of the marshmallows from and entire box of Lucky Charms.

Any simian resemblance is of course incidental.

Far away from the Lucky Charms debacle, George Roop is dealing with his own crisis and stoically icing his hand.

And, holy cow, is it swollen.

Not only can we see how swollen the hand is during the episode, but assistant coach Ken Hahn talks about it in his blog, saying that it was almost definitely broken. So is George complaining? Whining? Bitching? Nope, he’s icing it and working on a fight plan that allows him to fight without using his right hand. Did I mention that he’s right handed? I really like Hugger John, but George Roop may actually be like a real life hero.

Never one to fully recognize true strength of character, “coach” Frankie is sounding a little doubtful about George’s ability to overcome his injury. However he does note that Hugger John is known as the worst guy in the house for jiu-jitsu, because why let an opportunity to point out the other team’s weaknesses pass you by.

Bless Hugger John’s sweet heart, before “coach” Frankie can irritate me too much with his mindless prattle, we have the pleasure of watching him trying to fend off Hugger John’s determined embraces. A little more of this and maybe “coach” Frankie will be threatening sexual harassment charges. Now, that would be some major publicity for the UFC.

Judge Judy + UFC lawsuits=gold!!

The night before the fight, the red team has its customary family style meal. George, possibly tired of his teammates, has put on his red shirt and joined them. Mini Big Nog comes over, and it quickly becomes apparent that Nog really likes George a lot, which, in my mind, speaks highly for George. However, it’s got to suck a little for Hugger John not to have Mini Big Nog’s undivided attention. It’s actually pretty funny to watch. Nog keeps laughing and teasing George, telling him that “we’re gonna both fight you tomorrow. We’re gonna beat you.” George just laughs and probably wishes his own coach was paying half as much attention to him before his fight.

Seriously, how adorable is this?

The next morning, we see Hugger John and George alone in the kitchen where they agree to touch gloves and hug at the beginning of the fight. You got to love these guys. So many of the other fighters seem to have to summon hateful feelings toward their opponents just to get psyched to fight. These two just seem to understand that it’s not personal, it’s just what they do, and they’re still friends. OMG, it’s almost like they’re professionals.

In the prefight confessional, Hugger John is looking a wee bit maniacal, as if maybe a little too much adrenalin is flowing.

It’s time to fire the cannons!!!

…And we’re going to the fight with 35 minutes left in the show!!

The Fight

Ring Girl:

Amber whatserhername’s supple ass…Just kidding!!!

Stats:

As promised, our boychiks start out by touching gloves and hugging.

George throws a few kicks to John’s head and connects on at least the first one. But, John is scrappy and has a fast jab.

George’s reach advantage is definitely causing Hugger John some problems and he has to walk through some pretty stiff abuse to land his strikes, but he hangs tough and takes it. Then George dives and takes Hugger John down.

Uh, Oh, we know that Hugger John has a problem on the ground and Roop is definitely dominating. Hugger John totally gets credit for being tough. I’ve walked off jobs for taking far less abuse. George gets behind John and works on keeping him in body triangle. It looks to me like he’s going for a rear naked choke (but I donít know squat about jiu-jitsu, so feel free to correct me on this).

Then, that squirmy little pirate manages to slither out of George’s grip and ends up on top, but it doesn’t look like he really knows what he’s doing. And, round one ends. Okay, so I’m guessing that round went to George Roop, and it seems like everybody on the show thinks so as well. Despite this general consensus, everybody in Hugger John’s corner is quick to reassure him that he won the round, which I think is kind of funny. Is it general policy to tell a fighter that they’re winning regardless of the beating they’re taking in the ring?

The boychiks come out for round 2 and Hugger John is seriously going after Roop this time. WAM! BAM! And he connects.

George looks a little dazed and John goes after him again, and again.

George has had enough of this and goes for a takedown. He lands on top and starts punching away. Seriously, at what point do they not look at each other and say, ‘The hell with this. We could be sipping fuzzy peach martinis right now.’ Once again, it looks to me like Geoge is going for a rear naked choke.

John is still fighting. The kids got heart, but I think it’s going to be over. George totally has the lock around John’s waist and he’s just pounding away on John’s head. And, round over.

At first nobody’s sure if they’re going to go for a third round. But, then, the fighters are called back into the ring and, after a flashback sequence of the fight, George Roop is declared the winner. I’m a little sad because I wanted Nog’s team to win, and I like Hugger John. But, I also really like George Roop. In my mind, he was clearly the better fighter, and he’s not an asshole.

Yay, George!

Big Daddy says fight should have gone to third round and takes the opportunity to bash on his incompetent judges.

My UFC. My show. My judges. Their bad decisions. I have nothing to do with it.

Hugger John, being a classy guy, takes the decision well. But what’s really interesting is the difference in the atmospheres of the team locker rooms. In the blue team’s room, Frank Mir and Shrek are talking smack, with Shrek going off on a long diatribe about how this proves that the blue team is the better team and they won’t have to put up with the red team’s family style dinners anymore. While Frankie and Shrek are blathering on George is quietly sitting soaking his hand.

I wonder how long until I can put my red shirt back on?

Meanwhile, the red team is being genuinely supportive and recognize that, regardless of the outcome, it was a really good fight. At Hugger John’s suggestion, they decide to go home and celebrate. A nice tidbit that Hugger John shared in his blog is that when they got back to the house after the fight George Roop made him dinner.

Maybe he can be the next TUF coach?

Of course, we can’t go too many episodes without some Marilyn drama. So, back at the house, Marilyn and some of the other fighters are hanging out around the pool, when, suddenly, Shrek and some of the other light heavyweights start throwing eggs, tomatoes and pork chops at them. Marilyn gets hit in the face with a frozen porkchop and, not surprisingly, loses just a little bit more of his mind.

And, now I’ve got a fucking wedgy!!

Being the sensitive understanding creature that he is, Shrek seems genuinely confused by the fact that people would get upset at having food winged at them.

What?! You humans are such pansies!

Inside the house, Hugger John is doing a drunken role reversal. Instead, of becoming a mean angry drunk he apparently morphs into a Ghandi wannabe.

“The reason we’re doing shots for peace is we want peace.”

The last segment for this week’s episode is devoted to determining who’s fighting whom in the semifinals. As far as the light heavyweights go, both Shrek and Elliot want to fight Bader. I think that’s because they want to be the two in the finals, and for that to work they can’t fight each other in the semis. That means they fight either Ryan Bader or peemeister Vinny, and I suspect they’re both scare of fighting Vinny. Apparently, Vinny’s already beaten Elliot once before. Ryan Bader wants to fight Elliot because Elliot called him out after his fight, and Vinny wants to fight Shrek because they pretty much hate each other.

In the lightweight division, Phillipe wants to fight George and George wants to fight Phillipe, so that’s easy. And, likewise, Marilyn wants to fight Efrain and Efrain wants to fight Marilyn, so that’s easy as well. What’s interesting is that everybody, except Marilyn, thinks that Marilyn is pretty much the weakest fighter in the group.

And, the final matchups are: Bader vs. Elliot, Phillipe vs. Roop, Shrek vs. Vinny, and Marilyn vs. Efrain.

I think they’re all going to be good fights. The only outcome I’d bet on is the Marilyn vs. Efrain fight, and there I’d back Efrain. Other than that, I have no idea, but I do think the Vinny vs. Shrek fight is going to be pretty interesting, as well. So, what do you guys think? Any predictions for the finals?

Next week there’s no episode and then they’re showing the semifinals back to back in two episodes on Wednesday, December 3. I’m actually kind of psyched to have them back to back, so I don’t have suffer through the anxiety of waiting another week.

Hugs,

Yenta