Ultimate Fighter: Hit me. Please, please, hit me. No, really, hit me.

Dear Gasmii,

This week’s episode brings to light such challenging questions as why such a major douchebag as Frank Mir is even tolerated in life? Why isn’t Dave Kaplan confined to a safely padded room? And, when is this show going to come out of the closet?

Fab Fighters coming to Bravo soon.

Okay, so this episode has driven me to fantasizing, but Big Daddy should definitely consider it. Nothing like a little gay splash to up those ratings. Chugalug and take the leap…

Last week we ended with Fainter Phillipe pretty much destroying leprechaun Dave in their lightweight fight. This complete destruction was, at least in part, due to Dave’s conviction that he could take any punch that Philippe could dish out and still keep fighting to win.

Didn’t work out too well

For an insightful analysis of the fight the editors take us to their favorite deluded commentator, Marilyn. Sparing no mercy for Leprechaun Dave, Marilyn delights in explaining that a game plan based on taking punches to face works out pretty good, if your good at taking punches to the face, and Dave Kaplan, *smirk* *smirk*, not so much. Oh, Marilyn, how quickly you forget your own trials and tribulations with a similar game plan. Or, maybe, in your confused little peacock brain you’ve rewritten your fight with Roli to be a brilliant example of technique and strategy. I have to say that it gets confusing when so many of the fighters, and one “coach” are so busy manufacturing their own realities.

I can’t wait for Phillipe to hit me in the face.

Fainter Phillipe, RN, enjoying a testosterone spike from his victory, shares that he’s called the Fillipino assassin, and he’s just going to go out and do his thing. So, now, I’m wondering just what he means by ‘his thing?’ Is he talking about fighting, or nursing?

Assassinations or enemas?

Moving on from last week’s fight to the present incipient light heavyweight showdown, we visit the blue camp. Shrek, Jr is up to fight this week and his paw is still busted up. “Coach” Frankie is all over this problem, because how much would it suck if the blue team loses again. To give Shrek, Jr the best possible care he calls in a “hand” expert. Silly me, I’m expecting an orthopedic surgeon, and maybe even x-rays. But, no. The hand expert is a boxing trainer who tapes up Shrek’s hand and shows him some striking techniques to help avoid stressing the bones. Personally, I think that if “coach” Frankie really wanted to help he would have brought in a real “hand expert” and arranged for Shrekky poo to have a really good manicure. Nothing like a good mani/pedi to perk you up.

Can I get a lap dance, too?

But, enough of the expert medical advice, when there’s drunken debauchery occurring at the house. After being slaughtered on nationwide TV, Dave Kaplan, the resident leprechaun, is up for some good old vodka shots to take away the pain. Tom Lawlor, always happy to support his teammates, poses the crucial question as they head up the stairs. “Are we drinking up tonight, or are we going to wake up at 6 in the morning and start drinking?” Which to me is just bizarre. I mean who sets their alarm to six in the morning so that they can wake up to start drinking. It’s like the overachievers approach to alcoholism. And, seriously, what’s with the man loving art in this house?

Wouldn’t a het male household go for at least an occasional pair of naked boobies?

After watching this show for the last nine weeks, I’ve come to the conclusion that, if you’re actively delusional, you should really capitalize on it and audition for a reality show. Just stop taking your meds and go for the alcohol, it’s ratings gold. Seriously, I’m guessing that Big Daddy is going to start holding auditions for the show in the waiting rooms of outpatient treatment facilities.

Leprechaun Dave’s current delusion is that he is magically able to sustain any beatdown and cannot be knocked out. Maybe he read too many Superman comic books as a child? Of course, the best thing to do when your delusions are challenged is to down as many vodka shots as possible, because drunk crazy people are always rational and charming.

Marilyn is all about capitalizing on this latest development. In his twisted mind the more insane people there are in the house, the more he’ll blend in. Or, as he so endearingly puts it, “If everybody else starts acting like an asshole, then maybe I can pass for normal.”

I cut my ear off so I wouldn’t hear the voices anymore. That’s normal, right?

Apparently, another issue in the house is a bitchy little war around personal fashion choices. It’s just like how, if your going to run with the popular girls, you have to have the right clothes. Sadly, for Dave, speedos just aren’t the right clothes.

Far be it from me to paint a picture of lewd, crude men totally devoid of any sensitivity or appreciation for the finer things in life. In fact, Shane Nelson, shows a sensitivity to fashion trends rivaling many country club teenagers, and he sounds just like every other bitchy little fashionista when he objects to Dave Kaplan’s swimwear. After all, everyone knows speedos are gauche.

Secretly fantasizes about becoming Nina Garcia, already owns several of her dresses.

After downing large amounts of vodka and soaking in the pool, Dave and Tom make an attempt to steal away, sneaking through their bedroom into the privacy of the bathroom.

After everything that we’ve seen on this show, does anybody else think it’s strange that the editors have blurred out Dave’s ass crack?

Sadly, our boychiks aren’t quite quick enough to make their escape, and an intrepid cameraman follows behind them. We see a shot of the pink décor and some suspicious noises, something along the lines of “ow, ow, ow”. But, alas, by the time the cameraman catches up to them, Dave and Tom are standing, fully clothed, facing each other. Damn, those boys are fast under pressure. Perhaps in a fit of remorse over a rash act, or, simply still wanting validation for his current delusion, Dave starts begging Tom to hit him. And he begs, and he begs, and he begs some more. By now, I’m screaming at the TV, “grow some fucking balls and hit the little twit.” My hubby is not impressed. Tom Lawlor shares that he didn’t really want to hit Kaplan, but sometimes you just got to do things in life that you don’t want to do. Thank you, Lord. Finally, Lawlor swings and connects:

KERPOWEE!!!

Dave hits the floor, like a dead man.

Dude makes a really ugly corpse.

Okay, I officially want a job working crew on this show. Seriously, this is better than going to the zoo. Note to Big Daddy: I will pay to work production for this show as long as I get to be onsite.

“Kaplan I wasn’t knocked out but my jaw does hurt. I wanted to see how hard he hits.”

After, Dave Kaplan, is revived to his normal delusional state of existence, Tom Lawlor takes a moment to share his beliefs concerning the laws of physics.”When somebody at 205 lbs hits a midges the midget usually gets knocked out.”

Tom knows this from his time competing in Midget Tossing.

The next morning Shrek is cleaning bottles and glasses off the table. I can’t help but notice that he’s handling the glasses that contain a suspicious golden substances extremely carefully. And, after reading the fighter’s blogs for this week, it does seem that there is reason for him to be extra careful. But, just in case the producers decide to air these antics next week, I won’t share them here to avoid spoiling the episode. However, if you’re curious google Ryan Bader blog.

As the last two light heavyweights, Nog calls out Shrek and Kyle to fight. Despite hailing from the same pro fighting team, there seems to be very little love between black belt, urinemeister, Vinny and Shrek, Jr. Vinny pretty much slams Shrek’s fighting abilities in the confessional, and I’m thinking that if Vinny and Shrek end up facing off it’s going to get nasty.

On the way back from practice, the loveable, but totally nerdy, red team decides that it’s time to play a prank against Shrek, Jr. And, OMG, the producers really need to give these guys a lesson on pranks. This weeks stunt involves pushing Shrek’s mattress into his closet, filling the closet with toilet paper, and then filling his room with every conceivable moveable object in the house. As a final touch they place a sign on his door.

Go Red Team. *Sigh!*

Back at the blue team’s training session, they have a guest coach in the form of Dan Henderson. “Coach” Frankie is interviewing about how much good it does the fighters to have someone like Henderson around. And, I’m thinking, ‘good for you Frankie, getting a big name to come out and inspire your fighters.’ But, when Henderson interviews, he tells us that he came out because of Shrek, Jr who he coaches at home. So, now, I’m thinking, ‘good for you Shrek, getting a big name to come out and inspire you.’

In case there’s deep concern and angst out there in TVland, Shrek, Jr gives us his current state of the thumb address. It’s %65-70 recovered. It still hurts like hell, but he can deal with it. So, it’s good to go.

When the blue team returns from training, Shrek discovers the red team’s prank and he’s so happy that somebody pranked him back it’s almost painful.

They like me. They, really, really, like me.

But, now comes the part where every thing needs to come out of the room. Of course, his teammates will help him. Right? Not so much. Marilyn and Shane N. take a moment to stand in the doorway, commenting to each other how much work it’s going to take to empty the room, before walking away. The compassion and caring among the blue team members is heartwarming.

This week we have the coaches challenge. This is a traditional event where the two coaches square off against each other in some challenge. The winning coach gets a pile of money for himself and wins some money for each of the fighters on his team. With their own big fight on the way, neither coach wants to lose at anything to the other. Big Daddy loves organizing the psychological torture around this event. He tells us that Frankie Mir is convinced that this is going to be a swimming event, but he can’t swim. Meanwhile, Mini Big Nog has been trying to practice every sport he can think of from bowling to golf. So, what’s the sport? Soccer. Yay!! Mini Big Nog is from Brazil, soccer must be for him like rubics cubes are for math geeks.

Well, maybe not so much.

Unfortunately, Mini Big Nog is Soccer challenged, which totally must have been a nightmare growing up. But, this isn’t a real soccer game. This is more along the lines of taking turns kicking the ball at the goal, while your opponent plays goalie. The first one to score 10 goals wins.

“Coach” Frankie is his normal modest self when he shares that Mini Big Nog is “no where near the athlete that I am.” I wonder if this is true. It’s kind of hard to tell, since “coach” Frankie clearly didn’t want to take a chance of messing up his hair. I totally understand this. I mean, when you finally get that wave to sit just right, who wants to take a chance of ruining it. So, he’s not doing a whole lot, unless the ball happens to roll right to him.

Mini Big Nog is working away, diving and leaping to try and block the ball, and is starting to pull ahead. Mini Big Nog is clearly someone that works hard at giving everything his best, while Frankie’s more likely to be pissy and whine a lot about why he’s the best, but everybody’s against him.

The red team is jumping up and down in their excitement at Mini Big Nog winning, and sperm donor, Kyle, starts getting carried away. Every time Mini Big Nog scores he’s yelling “Goooaaalll” as loud as he can at Frankie.

You have to appreciate the respect he is showing by keeping his Johnson in his pants

Being a sensitive, delicate, flower, Frankie doesn’t like being heckled. Especially when nobody on the red team has bothered to compliment him on his outfit.

Of course, they might be distracted by Dave Kaplan’s fashion choices.

Anyhoo, Frankie seems a lot more interested in figuring out a way to punch Kyle in the face than figuring out how to block Mini Big Nog’s shots to the goal. Of course, this might all be due to editing that makes “coach” Frankie look bad. I’d hate to think that he has a good professional attitude and is getting falsely judged. So, let’s go to confessional, where Frankie tells us that, “At first, I was really upset at how disrespectful they were, but then I realized that a lot of them are losers. They’re never going to be studs.”

Pot meet Kettle

Well I’m glad I’m glad I don’t have to worry about misjudging Frankie, I’ve already got way to much on my conscious.

In the end, Mini Big Nog wins the coach challenge, mainly because “coach” Frankie didn’t want to mess up his hair. Mini Big Nog is completely adorable as he explains that he was more excited to win the thousand for his team members than the 10,000 for himself.

This is truly a nice man who has a real talent for working with special needs adults.

And, it’s time for the first of our up close and personal views of this weeks gladiators. Kyle Kingsbury tells us that he’s from San Jose and played football. But his dad and his grandfather were both professionnal boxers and didn’t want him to fight because of the results of taking too many shots to the head.

Not to worry papa Kyle, in the UFC they’re more likely to pull your insides out.

Back at the house, Shrek seems to be suffering from insomnia, or are ogres nocturnal creatures? Shrek seems like a nice guy, but he totally looks like a serial killer roaming through the house. With nothing to do at two in the morning Shrek, Jr decides to pull a prank on the house. Yes, once again we are treated to another example of his diabolical wit. This time he takes all of the dishes and cutlery, followed by the dining room table, and lays it all out on the basketball court.

Kind of like an OCD nightmare

Against this bizarre past time, we have our second up close and personal weekly combatant interview. Shrek, Jr shares that growing up in Poland under the communist regime was hard, with the food stamps and the really long lines for bread. So, his family moved to Canada when he was ten, and now he’s close to realizing the American, well, make that Canadian, dream.

It’s time for weigh-in and I’ve got to appreciate Shrek, Jr’s taste in boxers. Flowers are really so cheerful. And, it’s nice to see the boychiks so chummy before they pound the crap out of each other. Seriously, if Big Daddy wants to expand his audience he needs to repress some of the boyish pranks and show us some more of the boyish beefcake.

Woohoo!!!

We have the obligatory ‘deep’ contemplative before fight shots:

Emo Shrek

And, yet, another cameraman tries to sneak a peak.

And, then, it’s smack talk/pump up/pep talk with the coach’s time. Frankie does his usual confident ‘you’re cool. I’m cool. They’re just little girls in panties’ pre-fight shpiel. It’s always good to focus on how much the other team sucks, instead of how good your own fighters are.

The Fight

Stats:

Ring Girl:

It seemed important to show her head once in a while.

We’ve got five minutes left, so this is going to be quick. The two start off dancing around and Shreks got this weird hands off to the side. head bobbing, stance that reminds me of the Tasmanian devil cartoon.

They clinch and knee each other like crazy until the ref separates them. Shrek adjusts his package.

And they dance around again, until Kyle takes a hard shot to the chin, before going into another clinch. Okay, I know that Kyle is disgustingly casual about bodily fluids, which makes me wonder if he isn’t a possible poster child for a STD clinic, but is anybody else out there thinking he’s pretty hot? Anyway, Kyle does a nice takedown and lands on top, which should be good, but Shrek does this weird backwards somersault.

And arm bars him.

Tap out.

Poor Kyle, he’s really upset. He holds it together long enough for Shrek to be named the winner and gives him a gracious hug, before running away from the cameras into his dressing room to break down. Of course, this is reality TV, so there isn’t going to be any privacy there. But, Mini Big Nog and the red team come together to support him, and Hugger John promises to even things up for the red team next week. Please, God, just let him get a new hair color, preferably not one favored by bozo the clown.

In his interview after the fight, Kyle is really awesome. He’s honest, humble, and determined, and I can’t help admiring him for it.

if he’d just get over that nasty habit of donating his sperm to food.

On the other hand, Shrek, Jr follows in the blue team’s tradition of being pathetically poor winners. He tells us that “a better man won, and I’m a better man.” Oh, Shrekky pooh, I wouldn’t put too much faith in a five-minute bout in the octagon for judging a man’s worth. There are so many standards by which a man can be judged, and in a few them you’re coming up kind of short.

I can wag my ears, that makes me a better human, right?

On a final note, JMo darling, in case you and the boyfriend are missing Preston, here’s something to tide you over for this week.

Heart, Yenta

So what do you folks think? Are we going to survive this season of TUF? And, is Hugger John going to win next week? Boy, do I hope so.

Hugs,

Yenta