Ultimate Fighter: How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dear Gasmii,

I am sorry to say that this week’s episode chronicling the lives of our valiant, fighter, wannabes left me SHOCKED. Completely, SHOCKED by the boorish, violent, and crude behavior of some of the little guys. Who would have thunk that alcoholic punks would behave so badly when locked in a testosterone ridden house and supplied with a never ending stream of alcohol. Seriously, mix these guys with the Rock of Love girls and they could spawn an entire new tequila sucking, mud wrestling species.

Let me be clear, I am a little bitch, I always was a little bitch, and there’s a good chance that I always will be a little bitch.

This week, the editors aren’t bothering to share any more of their collection of phallically suggestive shots. Instead, they’re getting right to the low down drama. We open with the boys sitting around the tv room with their eyes glued to the screen, apparently mesmorized by the action taking place.

Extreme porn or extreme violence?

And, lo and behold, Big Daddy’s voice explains to us that the BJ Penn vs. Sean Shirk fight was on and “they” decided to let the boys watch it. Would somebody care to list the people outside of Big Daddy that make up the collective “they”? Big Daddy goes on to explain that the fight represents a goal for the contestants; it lets them think, “that’s where I want to be some day.” I’m still having trouble with the idea of a life goal that would entail being locked in a cage to fight a large, determined, possible deranged, and extremely sweaty male. And, you know that there’s going to be some pretty gritty, smelly, sweaty clutches going on. It’s like aiming for a lifestyle that combines the highlights of prison and ancient Rome.

Possibly aiming for a more authentic Roman experience, Marilyn explains that, “Shane and I thought it was a good idea to have a few drinks. I think this place turns you into a alcoholic.”

Before I came into this house, I was gonna be a priest.

No, dahling Marilyn, unlucky genes make you predisposed to alcoholism. But, actually pouring the alcohol into your body makes you drunk. The training house, haunted though it may be, is not responsible for either. Marilyn also shares with us the touching belief that if he can keep from making mistakes and keep his head on straight he could win this competition. Being a master of strategy, he decides that best course of action would, therefore, be to finish up with the wine and start in on the tequila, because tequila has mysterious properties that keep people from making mistakes in life.

Nothing can stop me now.

Krazy tells us that Marilyn and Shane N. hit the wine bottle. In fact, according to Krazy they hit the wine bottle “pretty actually hard” followed by the aforementioned tequila, which was when Marilyn and Shane N. became BFF. Young love is so sweet, especially when the newly infatuated share a propensity to be complete asshats.

He likes me! He really, really, likes me!

Together, Marilyn and Shane start getting up into the red team’s face. Seriously, is Marilyn the best that Shane can do in the house? Because, frankly, that’s pretty sad.

Now that Marilyn has a new BFF and a blood alcohol content of .15, he starts being a bitch to Kyle Kingsbury, who is objecting to Marilyn’s less than debonair behavior. Marilyn’s charming words are along the lines of, “If you didn’t win your fight and you got voted back in the house, shut up.” And, of course, to punctuate his remarks, Marilyn throws handfuls of nuts (the grocery store kind) at Kyle. Surprisingly, Kyle is the first light heavyweight to react and he throws a handful of nuts (still the grocery store kind) back in Marilyn’s face. And, here is the first of many times during the night that Marilyn fails to ask the crucial question of himself, “What would Jesus do?” I may be Jewish, but even I damn well know that Jesus wouldn’t have whipped his drink followed by his glass back at Kyle; that’s more the old testament style. You know, an eye for an eye, or, in this case, a nut for a nut. Please God, don’t let Marilyn be a Jew.

Predictably, the glass breaks and Kyle’s arm gets cut. Kyle is justifiably pissed, but what’s impressive is that he doesn’t get up and beat the crap out of Marilyn, which is probably the course I would have taken. There’s a tender scene where Fainter Philippe is bandaging up Kyle’s arm and I have to say that some of these guys actually seem really nice, when they’re not trying beat the crap out of people.

I think that’s at least worth a smack upside Marilyn’s drunken blond head.

After turning things over in his alcohol befuddled mind, Marilyn comes to the conclusion that he’s probably going to be thrown out of the house for throwing the glass. And, Roli, the tall, skinny, cute guy, points out that, “You’d think, after something dramatic like that, Junie would start mellowing out to save his ass. No, not so much.”

For any women or gay men reading this, isn’t he cute?.

Ryan Bader, our winner from last week, steps in to pull Marilyn away from Kyle. And this is where I begin to get a really clear picture of the size difference between the light heavyweights and the lightweights. Marilyn seems a lot like a an obnoxious little terrier taunting a bunch of good natured Rottweilers.

Inspired by his example, Marilyn’s new BFF decides to step up and shoulder his share of the tequila inspired asshole trainwreck. This is especially unfortunate because as Cutie Roli explains, “Shane has the alcohol tolerance of a 12 yr old girl.”

Shane starts getting in Roli’s face, which is more than annoying me. Do not FUCK with the cutest boy in the house!!! And, he actually goes so far as to push Roli out of his chair and remind him that he’s in the house by default.

This is how a real man acts.

The gist of a lot of the drunken rhetoric that Marilyn and Shane are spouting is based on a basic prejudice against wrestlers as fighters. It seems to me that some of the best fighters have their roots in wrestling, but what do I know? FreewayShark or HeyBuddy, care to share some of your wisdom on this one?

Anyhoo, Krazy and Ryan break up this little standoff ushering Roli out of the room. I’m thinking that Big Daddy should seriously be kissing Ryan’s and Crazy’s asses for keeping an all out brawl from breaking out. Being a determined little turdling, Shane then starts getting in Efrain’s face. I have to say that even though Efrain has a cocky air that makes me want to bitch slap him around the octagon, he handles himself really well when Shane starts trying to push him around. Of course, big brother Ryan breaks this little interlude up as well.

Still acting like a real man

At this point, Marilyn and Shane decide they want some privacy to further their BFF bonding and they head downstairs to drink some more. Goodness knows that all they really need is to loosen up and let go of a few more inhibitions.

I wonder how many relationships have been consumated under the influence of tequila?

Since, all of the other ‘contendahs’ have sensibly stayed upstairs, Marilyn and Shane turn their destructive urges to inaminate objects and make some determined attempts to beat up the downstairs wicker furniture by pounding it on the ground while making a lot of unintelligible, but I’m sure very manly noises. Because the evil furniture is refusing to die and paranoia seems to be growing, the next logical step is for Shane and Marilyn to attempt to drown as much of the furniture as possible.

To all single people out there, DO NOT DATE THESE MEN!!

Hearing the insane ruckus taking place outside, the sane and rational housemates gather on the balcony to see what the hell is going on. There’s a few well intentioned attempts to recall the BFF’s to their senses, but, not surprisingly, the dynamic drunken duo ignore the calls to leave the furniture alone.

Realizing that their babysitting duties are not over for the night, the contendahs decide to go downstairs to join the romantic couple by the pool. After all, drunken, violent, paranoid people are such good company. And, as Marilyn picks up a bottle and threatens to break it across his brethrens collective skulls if they say anything, the cameramen quickly retreat to a safe distance across the lawn.

It seems that threatening people with a broken bottle is more than Krazy is willing to accept in a housemate’s behavior. I’m thinking that Marilyn passed my own personal tolerance levels last week, but that’s just me. I’m uptight about drunken scenes and broken furniture. Anyway, Krazy decides that he’s had enough of Marilyn’s behavior and it’s time for Marilyn to go home. I’m not really sure how Krazy plans on facilitating this move, maybe by packing Marilyn’s bags and calling a cab, or maybe by simply calling the police. Personally, I would have called the police and packed the bags.

The editors then start to integrate clips of a sober Marilyn’s recollection of the night’s events. He tells us that he started getting a little drunk and started talking a lot of crap. Adding, of course, that it was the alcohol talking not him.

And the house made me drink the alcohol, so, really, I had nothing to do with any of this.

Meanwhile, possibly to incite him into actually striking someone so he gets hauled out of the house, Krazy puts Marilyn’s clothes into the pool. Oh, right, I forgot to mention that Marilyn has stripped down to his baby blue boxers in order to take a refreshing, moonlit swim. Unfortunately, with his round little midsection, this really is not an attractive look for Marilyn. Why, oh, why isn’t cutie Roli wandering around in his boxer shorts?

Marilyn eventually notices his garments sadly floating on the water and demands to know who put his clothes in the pool. After last week, I confess that I was pretty sure Krazy was going to chicken out and not fess up. But I guess he was just feeling shy last week. Instead, he’s totally cool and calmly says “I did.”

Marilyn is a little annoyed that Krazy doesn’t understand that throwing the house furniture into the pool is okay, but throwing Marilyn’s clothes into the pool, well, that’s crossing the line. Marilyn pretty much pleads with Krazy to hit him, which is interesting because I’m pretty much pleading for Krazy to hit him as well. Please, Krazy, please hit Marilyn. You will so be the hero of the viewing public. Now, I don’t know for sure, because I’ve only seen Krazy in the one fight, but I suspect that if Krazy clocked Marilyn he might just break him. Sadly, Krazy is showing some wild self-control and tells Marilyn that he’s not going to hit him, but that Marilyn is the biggest bitch in the house. I’m guessing that, in this particular scenario, bitch has more of a prison connotation than a girl’s boarding school connotation.

While Marilyn is in Krazy’s face, Ryan Bader is throwing his clothes back into the pool. I have to say that, as disgusted as I am by Marilyn, I felt a little bad for him as his alcohol soaked brain tried to process this new development. You can almost see smoke come out of Marilyn’s ears, as these actions do not compute, and he quite simply goes insane. Grabbing on to Ryan’s jacket and shirt, Marilyn jumps into the pool hauling Ryan head first after him in a spirited attempt to drown him.

Battery: The harmful or offensive touching of another.

Eliot catches hold of Ryan’s leg and after some serious struggling, Ryan manages to stand up, pulling Marilyn up with him, still clutching Ryan’s shirt. So, now, surely, somebody is going to step in and A) call the police B) call the men in the little white coats, and/or C) beat the crap out of Marilyn. But, no, the camera people keep filming from across the lawn and the housemates join forces to wrench Marilyn away from Ryan. Amazingly, Ryan manages to hold on to his temper and doesn’t beat the crap out of the little turd. He tells the camera that, “Even if he hits me, I’m not swinging back. I’m not missing this opportunity.”

I have to say that Ryan Bader is definitely impressing me, and, for all the negatives that Marilyn is piling onto the UFC image, Ryan and the other fighters, who have kept their tempers around Marilyn and Shane tonight, are showing another very cool side.

Living proof that not all UFC fighters are out of control sociopaths.

Meanwhile, the editors treat us to another sober Marilyn clip, where he tells us that, “I have a real bad temper. I have an explosive anger problem. I don’t really think about consequences I just go nuts.”

A man who is truly comfortably with his inner child.

Frustrated because nobody will fight back, and maybe because he’s just a pathetic loser, Marilyn starts crying. This causes most of the ‘contendahs’ to walk off in disgust and they all go back in the house with Marilyn still weeping. Hilariously, Hugger John, tries to comfort him. I’ve got to ask, WTF is a sweet wackadoodle like hugger John doing in this environment?

A hug would make you feel better.

Before lights go out for the night, Krazy imparts some advice that mothers have been trying to give their daughters about men for generations. “Just because you have these [shows fists] and this [points to genitals] doesn’t mean you have this [points to brain] and this [still pointing to brain] is the most important part.”

The next morning the house is a little quiet and sober Marilyn tells us, “I thought I had a real good chance of winning this whole thing. I think I was getting a little too comfortable. I was destined for failure. That’s the way my whole life has been everytime I get a chance at anything I screw it up.” And, there we have it, the plot synopsis of Marilyn’s new movie, A Legend in My Own Mind, starring Marilyn.

When Big Daddy shows up to deliver justice on the previous evenings antics, Marilyn is playing B-ball by himself. Big Daddy’s insightful analysis of the situation is that Marilyn is fucked up and possibly a drunk and a punk. Personally, at this point I’d say that Big Daddy could lose the “possibly” and just go with the statement that Marilyn is a drunk. Torn between ridding the training house of a truly nasty personality and bowing down to the rating gods, Big Daddy tells us that he has no idea what he’s going to do. After all, throwing glasses at people, destroying property, threatening to bash skulls in with a bottle and actively trying to drown somebody are all acts that could be interpreted in a myriad of ways depending on the context in which they occurred. It’s totally understandable that Big Daddy wouldn’t want to jump to conclusions, but you can bet he checked in with his lawyers before showing up at the house.

Great minds think alike.

All of the fighters gather in the living room and Big Daddy, whose voice is amazingly hoarse this morning–somebody’s throat has been getting a workout, asks Marilyn flatout, “WTF is wrong with you?” Displaying impressive character traits, Marilyn squares his shoulders, looks Big Daddy straight in the eye and takes full responsibility for his behavior, offers to make restitution for the destruction of property, and apologizes to his housemates. NOT!!! Nope, Marilyn starts crying like a baby.

Why are you picking on me?

Big Daddy asks him if he wants to stay in the house and if he wants to fight? With his head down, apparently unable to look anyone in the eye, Marilyn says, “Yeh.” Big Daddy follows up with a blunt, “Do you have a drinking problem?” And, Marilyn still with his head down, admits a little sheepishly, “Yeh.” For some reason this answer seems to take Big Daddy by surprise. After all, if Marilyn does succeed in killing someone while he’s in a drunken rage, Big Daddy would have a much better legal defense if he could deny knowing that he has a drinking problem. But, Big Daddy quickly regroups and tells the boys that they give them alcohol because they’re grown men and, if they want a drink, they should be able to have one. In addition, he further explains, it lets “us” see who’s fucked up. And, ratings, don’t forget about the ratings Big Daddy, but for some reason he doesn’t mention that.

Then, in a masterful style, Big Daddy proceeds to rake Marilyn down with the memorable, “I don’t know if you’re a jackass when you’re sober, but you’re definitely a fucking jackass when you’re drunk.” Personally, I’m guessing that Marilyn’s a jackass when he’s sober as well. Remembering about Marilyn’s BFF, Big Daddy locates Shane N., who’s looks like he’s been trying his best to stay invisible.

If I shut my eyes, maybe he won’t see me.

Big Daddy looks even more disgusted as he asks, “What the fuck’s up with you? You’re a fucking retard, too.” I’m guessing that Big Daddy doesn’t care that the appropriate term would be a “fucking developmentally disabled person”. After all, it doesn’t have quite the same panache, and Big Daddy is all about panache. But, whatever, for once I’m completely in agreement with Big Daddy. The punishment for Shane’s part in last night’s events is to set him up to be the first lightweight to fight. And, since he wanted to fight Efrain so badly the night before, he’ll get his chance in the octagon.”

Shane’s reaction:

I’m a dead man.

Efrain’s reaction:

Oh Yeah!

And, then, Big Daddy announces that he’s not going to kick anyone out of the house.

Ratings whore of the year

Seriously, his liability insurance must be through the friggin roof. Sooner or later Marilyn is bound to seriously hurt himself or someone else, and Big Daddy is just gambling that it doesn’t happen on his show. Of course, now, the big, bad, in-your-face, Marilyn is crying and apologizing. And, Kyle, of all people, is trying to comfort him like a big brother comforting a little kid. I’m telling you, the majority of these guys are really kind of sweet, that is when they’re not trying to pound someone into pulp.

There, there, my little psycho. Everything is going to be okay.

After Big Daddy’s shpiel, it’s a little anti-climatic when Mini Big Nog announces that he picks Shane from Frankie’s team to fight Efrain. I have to say that Efrain is still looking a lot more enthusiastic about this idea than Shane is.

I’m not sure that Frankie’s that excited about the fight either. Of course, after last nights antics he’s got to be realizing that one quarter of his team is made up of complete drunken losers.

Seriously, you’re sure I picked you?

Back at the house, Marilyn is eager to prove that, yes, he is a jackass when he’s sober. And, he’s working hard to get into Efrain’s face. You know, I’ve got to say that during the intro fights, Marilyn came off as sounding witty and somewhat intelligent. All I can assume is that his brain has turned the corner in the pickling process. It’s both uncomfortable and a little embarrassing to watch Efrain outwit him, by simply agreeing with everything Marilyn says. Marilyn taunts him. Efrain agrees. Marilyn gets angrier. It’s like watching kids in a poorly run daycare.

I’m only two drinks away from a vegetative state, so don’t fuck with me.

We go to weigh-in and Keith Kizer, the Nevada Athletic Commission official, is all dressed up in a jacket and tie. I’m thinking that he must be swinging by the weigh-in on his way to a date. Meanwhile, the other fighters share their opinions about the fight. Krazy thinks it’s going to be a great fight because both Efrain and Shane were second picks. Kyle points out that the pressure is on Shane, because Shane ran his mouth like an idiot over and over again. And, Marilyn, who tells us that he doesn’t really like Efrain that much because he’s always got some smart ass smirk on his face and Marilyn just hopes that he gets a chance to fight him. Sigh, at this point I really want to see Marilyn get his ass kicked.

The Fight

Okay, we’re going into the fight with 25 minutes left in the show. This means that we’re in for a really long fight, more drama, or a lot of commercials. Dear Lord, please don’t let it be the commercials. And… we go to another commercial. I’m counting one commercial approximately every seven minutes, so far. And, sadly, we haven’t had any for the new Spike show Manswers.

This week, we’re featuring a new ring girl in a bright red bikini:

Big Daddy seems to approve:

Heh-heh

After the obligatory introduction of the ref and the autozone sponsorship of the fight clock, we finally get down to business. Sadly, neither of these guys look too eager to engage and they spend the first 30 seconds just dancing around with a fair amount of space between them.

They immediately quit fighting and rush over to audition for SYTYCD.

There is a short burst of action when Shane lands a kick on Efrain’s face, but it doesn’t seem to phase Efrain too much and they go back to dancing. The coaches are encouraging these guys to actually do something and Frankie yells, “Shane don’t be frightened.” LOL. Me thinks that, right about now, Shane is seriously wishing that he had signed up for those GED courses like his mother wanted him to.

We’re 1 minute into the fight, still with no real contact. Shane, finally, swings and misses, and Efrain clutches him around the waist and knees him a couple of times. Shane manages to sort of throw Efrain, but they both hit the ground on their knees and bounce up simultaneously. Efrain lands a punch and then they’re back to neither making contact. Ah Hah! Finally, they’re hugging and kneeing each other. Boy, I hope Efrain wins. They keeps trying to throw each other, but neither can pull it off. I hate to say it, but even if Marilyn is a complete psycho bitch, I think he looks like he might be a better fighter than either of these two.

Race you back up.

Shane and Efrain get into a standing death clutch and the the ref breaks them up. Finally, they end up on the ground with Efrain on top, but, like two virgins on their wedding night, neither seems to know what to do. Efrain lays on Shane’s face and starts punching him in the head. Shane does his best to roll onto his stomach, but can’t quite get there. Efrain is trying to elbow Shane but his strikes look kind of floppy. Then, they’re both back up and the bell rings. I’m pretty sure that Efrain won that round, at any rate Shane isn’t looking too happy.

Get me the fuck out of here.

The ring girl comes through and we’re back for round two. Apparently, Shane was inspired during the break and comes out more aggressively. He throws a kick at Efrain’s head and misses. Then they connect. Efrain almost has Shane in a headlock, before he dumps him on the ground where they do the obligatory writhing, Efrain on top, Shane on the bottom. Meanwhile, Shane is grabbing the side of the cage which is a big no-no, but you can’t really blame him.

I’m guessing at this point he’d grab the ref it would help.

Efrain is humping away and starts trying to choke Shane with an arm bar. Shane manages to get back to his feet and we have a little standup. Efrain is swinging at him but not really connecting. Then, they’re back down, but this time Shane is on top and Efrain, determined not to be the bitch, is kicking like mad. There’s fifty seconds left before this match goes to decision, but, wait, Efrain is back on top and sitting on Shane’s face, apparently submitting him with his crotch. I’m not kidding, they call it a triangle…

I call it death by penis.

And, Efrain is the winner!!

Mini Big Nog finally gives Efrain the airplane ride he’s been begging for.

Marilyn looks stunned. Once again, the unfolding events do not compute. Once again, Marilyn goes insane, and yells into the ring, “That’s exactly what the UFC needs, another fucking boring ass wrestler.” Followed by, “That’s all you know how to do, just lay on people like a fucking bitch. Try and do that with me.” Big Daddy and everybody else in the ring ignores the initial outburst, but it’s clear that Marilyn has just confirmed any lingering doubts about his jackass status when sober. Not surprisingly, despite Mini Big Nog’s efforts to defuse the situation, Efrain responds, which prompts Marilyn to act out the brilliant plan of climbing the fence into the ring to try and fight Efrain. Of course, first he would have to get through Frankie Mir, Mini Big Nog, and a couple of various and huge assistant coaches. Needless to say that Marilyn is quickly cornered against the fence.

Seriously, what a fucking idiot

And, on that charming scene, we end this week’s episode. Does Marilyn get kicked out of the house next week? I doubt it. But, please let someone have a chance at pounding the crap out of him. I’m not usually bloodthirsty, but I’d get a fair amount of pleasure watching Marilyn get his ass beat.

Well, Gasmii, what do you predict? Does Marilyn stay or go? And shouts out to HeyBuddy and FreewayShark, I know Marilyn’s behavior is not fun for you guys to watch, but I have to say that the restraint of the rest of the fighters really shows the good side of the UFC : )

Hugs,

Yenta