Ultimate Fighter: If It Acts Like A Psychopathic Douchebag, It Is A Psychopathic Douchebag

Dear Gasmii,

It’s always heartbreaking to think what might have been. This week we focus on a young, talented, pretty boy fighter, who so easily might have become that icon that mma fans everywhere either wanted to be, or wanted to bump nasties with, or, for those narcissists out there, wanted some combination thereof. Sadly, an uncontrollable urge to spew self adulation from every orifice, combined with that pesky tendency to pee on his housemates pillows, will probably doom him to be little more than the latest Ultimate Asshole to grace our TV screens. No, I’m not talking about Marilyn. From what seems to be a never ending supply in Frank Mir’s team, we get Vinny:

AKA Small Balls

This week I recommend that you dispense with your wine glasses, and, for that matter, your wine, and go straight for the hard stuff: Twinkies soaked in whiskey should suffice. Remember, what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. So, be brave and join me after the jump…

We start with the obligatory recap of last week’s Marilyn/Roli slapfest. And, Eliot, Son of Shrek, Kyle, and Hugger John all tell the camera how much Roli impressed them and how much Marilyn failed to live up to his smack talk.

Yay, Cutie Pie Roli!!

Boo, Marilyn!!

The blue team gathers in their dressing to room to debrief after the fight and “coach” Frankie, never one to miss an opportunity to disrespect the opponent, bitches at Marilyn for being so out of shape that he almost lost a fight to Cutie Pie Roli of all people. And, by Roli, Frankie really means a six-grade girl, because it isn’t just Roli’s black belt that he’s doubting.

Come on, he’s got a McPenis for God’s sake!!

Well, at least Frankie is trying to be a leader. He’s just not displaying many traits that seem to be worth following. Suprisingly, the Son of Shrek steps into the breach and takes a more constructive note by leaving Roli’s possible lack of a penis out of his remarks and stressing the positive that, if Marilyn were in shape, he’s got all of the skills to be a good fighter.

Frankie’s assistant coach, points out that Marilyn did in fact win his fight and now the blue team is tied with the red team, so a round of applause for Marilyn. But, Frankie isn’t done asserting his new authority and he warns Marilyn not to drink because if Marilyn drinks the other fighters are going to call Frankie, and Frankie’s wife is going to get really PO’d, and if Frankie’s wife gets really PO’d Frankie’s going to have to move into the training house, and everybody’s life is going to be hell.

So, you’re saying I shouldn’t drink?

This week control of the matchup for the light heavyweight fight remains with Frankie and he can choose either Vinny or the Son of Shrek from his team to fight either Kyle or Farmboy Jules from the red team. The editors treat us to clips of both Vinny and the Son of Shrek fighting. Shrek, jr is rolling with Tom Lawlor when he lets out a yelp of pain, disengages from their clinch, and scurries across the cage. In a more stoic moment, Shrek, jr explains to the camera that his thumb is either broken or fractured, but he’s icing it everyday. Then somewhat pathologically optimistic he adds, “if I can make a fist, and I can, then no problems here.” Not to be a downer, but this seems a little like a dancer on SYTYCD insisting on continuing with a broken toe. And, if other fighters got sent home for fractured noses, how does he get to stay with a fractured thumb? Seriously, Big Daddy can only be keeping him for two possible reasons: his pretty face, or his awesome practical jokes.

Any guesses?

For the first time, the editors are taking precious time away from the usual boy on boy drama to show us some of the training the fighters are undergoing. Each team has it’s own personality that their respective training methods seem to reflect. The red team is full of team spirit and joie de vivre. A family of wholesome frolicking youths.

Anybody else picturing this scene in a meadow, sans the uniforms?

The blue team is made up of hard, out-for-themselves, tortured, individuals.

As a new gym fashion this totally screams Silence of the Lambs

Frankie’s guest coach is clearly a serious, but high functioning, sadist, who has managed to challenge his destructive impulses into the “constructive” path of torturing professional fighters. By obstructing their nasal passages and forcing them to breath out of a snorkel, he manages to restrict their oxygen intake, while they sprint full out on a treadmill for fifteen minutes. This is a guy who’s left the simple S&M world of whips and chains far behind him and evolved into a whole new level of torture.

But it doesn’t end here. Just as the mask is removed and the unsuspecting fighter is experiencing the light headed rush of survival and a full oxygen supply, they are forced to jump into giant trash cans filled with ice water up to their necks.

It’s safe to say that his testicles have been sucked up to the back of him mouth and his penis has assumed the proportions of a garden slug.

Of course, Coach Frankie is a big fan of these training methods, explaining that if they can manage the fifteen minutes on the treadmill, then the fight’s easy, because nobody’s going to push them that hard in the octogan.

His penis used to be this big but now it’s this small, so he doesn’t even need to wear a cup!

After the workout, Coach Frankie is practically fauning over Vinny and his world class black belt like a groupie trying to get laid. In Frankie’s mind, Vinny is like a secret weapon for Frankie to use in his upcoming fight against Mini Big Nog and he’s all enthusiastic when he says, “if I keep rolling with you Nogueira is going to be nothing” and adding, hopefully, “as far as positions and submissions you’re better, right?”

Vinny modestly says that he’s got better Jiu-Jitsu skills than Mini Big Nog, which prompts Frankie to continue his hopeful questioning, suggesting that Mini Big Nog’s Jiu-Jitsu is “very bread and butter, right?” Vinny agrees that he thinks Mini Big Nog’s Jiu-Jitsu is “basic”. Drooling with enthusiasm, Coach Frankie continues to plot out how Vinny can help him win against Mini Big Nog. Vinny laughs, telling Frankie that, “They’re going to hate me in Brazil. They already hate me there.”

Remember, Frank Mir loves you and that’s all that matter.

Back at the training house our red team is enjoying a domestic, tranquil interlude as they bake birthday cakes to celebrate Mini Big Nog’s birthday. Farmboy Jule’s explains that it’s his dream come true to bake a cake for Nogueira. Everybody seems to pitch in and when Mini Big Nog arrives at the house a birthday feast is ready for him.

I have to say that the birthday boy is looking mighty fine. He is so adorable.

Sadly, the blue team is looking at all this man love, with nothing more than a lot of hate. Shane Nelson starts ranting to the camera about red team sucking on each other’s dicks. But, after seeing Shane’s fashion choices for the fight, I’m thinking that something else is really bothering Shane.

A good ole case of closet rage. Oh, and, love, love, love the baby blue t-shirt and cute accessories.

And, while we’re on the subject. Has anybody else noticed the homoerotic art in the house?

I’m thinking somebody on the production crew is trying for a little subliminal influence.

Of course, for good measure, Vinny has his say about the upcoming fight, as well. But, I don’t think Vinny’s a closet case.

More like your everyday metrosexual psycho.

Even though it hasn’t been officially announced, the word is that Jules is going to be called out to fight Vinny, so after the dinner Mini Big Nog goes in search of Jules to discuss strategy for the upcoming fight. Jules makes a spirited effort to convince Mini Big Nog that he’s more than a good ole boy fresh off the farm. But, I’ve got to say that Mini Big Nog isn’t looking too impressed and I don’t think Jule’s is really buying it either. I hate to say this but I think Jules is going to be toast.

The next day we go to Frankie officially naming the fighters, and sure enough, he calls out Small Balls and Jules. You know, I don’t think Frankie likes the idea of watching a good well-matched fight so much as he loves the idea of watching an all out murder. He was hoping to see Marilyn beat the crap out of Roli and was sorely disappointed, so, this time, Frankie tells us that he picked Jules to go out there and get destroyed by Vinny. Adding that, “Jules is a farm boy. I don’t think anybody expects Jules to get out of there alive.” Oy Veh, me thinks that Frankie might have a career in snuff films if he loses to Mini Big Nog.

Sorry Jules, sucks to be you.

Oh, well, back to some man on man drama. In an effort to pump up Jules’ confidence before the fight, Mini Big Nog explains that, while Vinny is good during training, in the ring he has “small balls.” Obviously, I agree. Anyway, it seems as if Small Balls has been running his mouth around the house saying as how Mini Big Nog’s jiu-jitsu really isn’t that good. Because, you know that boasting about your superior fighting prowess over the world MMA champ is an intelligent choice. The red team takes the opportunity to faithfully reports Vinny’s boasting to Mini Big Nog and the proverbial shit hits the fan. Small Balls is probably the only participant in this little drama that is surprised by the discovery that his vile spewing would get back to Nogueira. And, Mini lets him have it. To give Small Balls some credit it seems like he’s the only guy on Mir’s team that realizes that it’s not a good idea to piss the guy off. As Small Balls already said all the guys in Brazil hate him anyway.

I think it’s worth noting that in his blog, Small Balls only addresses the conversation with Frankie, where he describes Mini Big Nog’s jiu-jitsu as basic, claiming that no insult was intended, it was all a misunderstanding, and there was no other instance of smack talk during his stay in the house. HOWEVER, several of the other fighters’ blogs recount hearing Vinny spewing his conceited dribble concerning the superiority of his grappling skills over Mini Big Nog’s. Go figure. Who would have thunk that such a stand up guy would get caught in a lie? Mothers lock up your daughters, there’s a sleezebag in town. Even Hugger John our resident sweet wackadoodle talks about trying to excuse Small Ball’s smack talk with the excuse that the boredom of the house caused them to say things they wouldn’t otherwise say. Confronted with Mini Big Nog’s accusation, Small Balls does what any honorable man caught with his pants around his ankles would do:

Deny!

Deny!

Deny!

On a lighter note:

Shrek, Jr is baaaacckkk!!!

This time he’s convinced the producers to procure a body bag, flowers, candles, and a tomb stone. Seriously, can you see Big Daddy explaining this one to the detectives?

There was a lot of animosity between the guys. Some have anger issues and drinking problems, and, yeah, there’s been some incidents of assault in the house. But, we just figured the body bag was some new training device.

The red team comes home and finds Jules’ bed transformed into a grave.

Though, I’m thinking that somebody doesn’t have a solid grasp on the concept of infinity.

And, then, we’re in the pre-fight build up. Dun ta dun. I’m finding myself developing some respect for Farmboy as he struggles to psych himself up for going into a fight where he’s hopelessly over matched.

Small Balls actually takes it upon himself to tip off his teammates to not only bet on him winning, but the exact submission he plans on using, as well. Which, correct me if I’m wrong, is probably not the safest choice of behaviors for him to continue in the professional fighting world. I’m guessing Big Daddy would be a bit annoyed if his fighters got filmed fixing bets.

In the blue team locker room, Frankie is offering to quit as a coach if Farmboy Jules submits Small Balls. And, likewise, Small Balls is offering to leave the house if that should occur. I want to publicly state that, if I had known about this before the fight, I would have offered to pay Small Balls to take a dive, just to get him and Frankie off my TV screen. But, I have to say that I’m a little distracted by another more interesting story line that seems to be playing out in Small Balls’ and Frankie’s body language.

Small Balls is soooo taking a peak and Frankie soooo knows it!

The Fight

We have ten minutes left, so this is going to be a short one. Poor Jules.

Stats

Ring Girl. Fire@will, I’ve put in an extra pic some to make up for last week…

…And we’re off… Vinny lands a kick, but neither fighter is doing too much. Vinny lands a second kick and I think Jules is having trouble with the reach issue? I don’t want to look, but I’m distracted by Jules’ muffin top. Vinny lands a punch and Jules scratches his butt. Vinny lands another kick. WTF is Jules waiting for? I thought he was supposed to be keeping Small Balls busy with punches. We’re half way into the second round and nothing’s happened. Jules is starting to throw some punches and some kicks . And, then, Small Balls takes him down with a flying Tarzan type move:

Followed by some complicated yoga type maneuvering:

And an arm bar:

It’s over. Sigh!! Sad, but really, there wasn’t much fight there.

Big Daddy sums it up nicely for us when he says, “I almost fell asleep until the fight went to the ground. Small Balls is an amazing jui jitsu fighter but he’s a boring standup.

Next week, either Hugger John or Fainter Phillipe is going to fight and I’m super excited. I’ve got high hopes for both of these guys. And, of course, we have some obligatory and inappropriate public urination, this time on somebody’s fruit salad. I think I’ll plan on bringing in some pretty strong fortifications for that episode.

So, what did you folks think? Any desire to try out the snorkel option next time you’re at the gym? When is the red team going to start winning again? And, most importantly, is it still possible to get tickets to the Nogueira vs. Mir fight?

Hugs

Yenta