Here we are down to 16 ‘contendahs’; 8 semi heavyweight and 8 lightweight, all about to take up residence in the Training House. Let the dysfunction begin…
Boys will be boys.
And, with that mildly titillating beginning, let’s all down the obligatory and medically necessary sedative of our choice and take the jump…
In order to combat any lingering doubts about the prowess of the male specimens competing on the show, the editors aren’t above a little subliminal manipulation. To put us in the proper frame of mind, we are treated to a short montage of shots featuring fountains of water shooting into the air:
A statue clutching what could easily be construed as a spurting phallus:
And a large plane:
Thank you, editors. Now that we have made these subtle associations, we are in the proper frame of mind to recognize the ‘contendahs’ as highly virile young studs instead of desperate losers. And, we are ready to watch them enter that bastion of male testosterone, the Training House.
“It looks like a gingerbread house.”
The fighters mill around the house getting comfortable, because win or lose, unless they get injured or thrown out, they’re in the house for the full eight weeks up until the semi-final rounds. This is where this show and other reality shows part ways. Just because you lose the fight, doesn’t mean you go home. You get to stay and train and provide a warm body for the other fighters to practice their skills on. It also means that the inevitable drama in the house has almost no hope of fading over time. Yay, Ultimate Fighter.
Ryan Bader, who seems to be fairly intelligent and rational, tells us that he’s there for the sole purpose of advancing his career.
The token well-adjusted ‘normal’ guy.
On the other hand, Junie, whom I previously nicknamed Marilyn, tells us that he was raised to be tough in a small trailer with two older brothers who beat the shit out of him. I have to say that Marilyn is coming across as a lot less charming in this interview. He also looks a hell of a lot older than 22 years old.
Definitely time for a cucumber/yogurt facial to erase those tired bags.
And, then, there’s Krazy, who tells us that a lot of the guys in the house grew up fighting on the street or in school, but, strangely, he’d never been in a fight before he took up jujitsu five years before.
Dude, have you looked in the mirror?!?
The weird thing about Krazy is that he looks like some B-rated slasher film serial killer, but he sounds kind of nerdy when he talks. There’s definitely a bizarre disconnect between his appearance and his personality.
The next morning we get another shot of sprinklers:
Just in case our subconscious needs some prodding.
The boys are happily preparing there breakfasts and starting small fires:
If you can’t blow it out, I hear water works well on grease fires…
Really, it’s a Darwinian miracle that the majority of these guys have lived as long as they have. The morning’s discussion revolves around Brian McLaughlin’s and Karn Gregorian’s noses. After their fights, they were both sent for Cat Scans and, low and behold, they both have fractured noses, as opposed to broken noses. A fine distinction to us, but, to them, the difference between a crack and a break may mean the difference between staying in the house and being sent home. However, I’m thinking a little more optimistically–What a wonderful opportunity for a nose job!!! I’m telling you guys, work with your doctor and it can all be covered by insurance. Just think, it could give these guys a whole new grasp on life. I know, I’ve seen it happen over and over, again. Of course, in my world, nose jobs for girls are like a right of passage, up there with getting their periods and being bat mitzvahed.
Just a little off the tip
A more petite straight nose brings out the bone structure. Of course, he’d probably flatten it like a pancake in a week. Sigh…
At the gym, Big Daddy gathers all the fighters together so the coaches can pick their teams. But, first, he delivers the sad news that, because of the schnoz fractures, the Nevada Athletic Association has suspended Brian and Karn for 180 days, so they’ll have to go home. Brian and Karn hang their heads and walk slowly over to the side of the room, where Brian sinks on to the bench and Karn gently punches the wall.
Apparently, Brian and Karn are the only people present who are ignorant of the rule of etiquette that governs this social predicament and states that they must actually leave the room. There’s one of those awkward silent moments where everybody stares and nobody knows what to say:
Big Daddy explains that, while he feels their pain, Brian and Karn need to walk out the door. As they depart, everybody heaves a sigh of relief. Seriously, social gaucheness is always uncomfortable. Of course, now, Big Daddy needs to replace them. The first replacee is Kyle Kingsbury:
Formerly beaten by Ryan Bader.
The second replacee is a mystery. Dana explains that after flying him home, they’re having to fly him back. So, instead of saying who he is, he’ll just be assigned to whichever team has the last pick. Big Daddy is clearly a master of creating drama out of nothing.
Anyhoo, we end up with the following teams:
Frankie’s Team (Blue Jerseys):
Mini Big Nog’s Team (Red Jerseys):
As always, when teams are picked there’s some hurt egos. Vinny tells us that he expected to be Mini Big Nog’s first pick and that Mini Big Nog made a big mistake in not picking him. But Mini tells us that he looked for the fighters with the better attitudes in the ring that could work as a team. So, there, Vinny, your diva attitude was not appreciated. I have to say that my admiration for Mini Big Nog is steadily growing.
On the other hand, Frankie is enamored with his lineup and fails to see how his team could possible lose a match. Sigh, never say never… Because Frankie had first pick of the fighters, Mini Big Nog will get to name the fighter for the first fight.
The next morning we see the sun rising to pulsing music as Frankie’s team enters the gym. Frankie tells us that being a coach is an opportunity to be exposed to other fighters and that teaching helps him to have a better understanding of martial arts. Okay, fair enough, this sounds articulate and reasonable. We’re also introduced to his coaching staff:
And, then, Frankie shares his philosophy on the team approach. “This team thing gives camaraderie. It helps pass the time. It’s fun, but at the end of the day everybody is in there by themselves.” This is polar opposite to Mini Big Nog’s approach, which is all about building a cohesive team to support and work for each other. I kind of like Mini Big Nog’s approach better.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Marilyn is giving a demonstration in how to behave like an asshole and he’s getting all up in the faces of Mini Big Nog’s team, saying as how Frankie’s team is going to fuck them up.
Bring it on, Beyatch!
Shane P. tells the camera that Marilyn getting drunk all the time is better than watching TV, which is kind of good since there is no TV to watch. But, it’s also kind of bad to encourage alcoholics to believe that their active raging alcoholism makes them the life of the party.
Oops, my bad for assuming that Marilyn’s outrageous uncontrolled drunken behavior was a result of alcoholism. Instead, Marilyn explains that his outrageous uncontrolled drunken behavior is really just a strategy, or maybe a tactic. I’d have to ask McCain to clarify the difference for me. But, Marilyn’s grand idea is that if the other fighters think he’s a drunken clown they’ll underestimate him. Brilliant!! I now understand the difference between Marilyn getting mind numbingly drunk as a strategy and getting mind numbingly drunk because he’s a raging alcoholic.
A modern day Machiavelli
As the evening wears on, Marilyn wanders around the property destroying things, chugging alcohol, and screaming and ranting. The housemates offer up their various psychological insights on his behavior.
“He’s got some psych issues, maybe his parents didn’t love him. I guess maybe he just needs some loving.” AAAWWWWW
Of course, it’s kind of hard for Marilyn to sustain the tough guy image after he collapses outside on the ground, sobbing that he wants to die. But, then again, it’s brilliant strategy. If this performance doesn’t destroy any lingering professional respect from other fighters, nothing will. And nothing says possible winner more than an opponent with low expectations. The other fighters are nice enough to carry Marilyn inside and cover him with a blanket. I have to say that I wouldn’t have been so nice. I would have been more likely to lock the doors and call 911 to report possible alcohol poisoning.
It’s like trying to cover a really large stain with a really small rug.
But, wait, as we cut to commercial break, we get previews for next week, promising even wilder and weirder behavior from Marilyn. Of course, this is going to cause a severe headache for Big Daddy. If Marilyn gets too out of control too soon, they’ll have to boot him off the show early in the season and then scramble for drama for the remaining episodes.
The next day, the mystery fighter is welcomed into the house.
Mmmmmm, big feet…
And, it’s Roli Delgado, the losing pole in the fight between the beanpoles.
Everybody seems happy to see him, especially George Roop who beat him. George says he isn’t too worried. He beat him before and he knows how to beat him again and again. I have to say that I have a definite thing for tall, skinny, guys and Roli looks like he could be pretty cute, but somebody needs to get him a new wardrobe.
Calling Carson Kressley and what’s with the two-handed shake?
It’s Mini Big Nog’s day for training his team and he is loving his job coaching. He says that the teams very positive and he’s the kind of guy that loves to just jump in. I’m sure that some of the smaller guys love having a 250 lb, jujitsu expert, freak-of-nature jump on their asses. It would definitely rank up there as a holy shit experience.
Why is he crying?
Like Frankie, Mini Big Nog has brought along his own assistant coaches. Daniel Valverde is a jujitsu guy from Brazil, and I can only assume he’s hot stuff in the jujitsu world.
Mini’s stand-up coach is Al “stankie” Stankiwiecz, a 67 year old, adorable guy totally right out of a Rocky movie, except that he’s super sweet and tells the guys how much he loves the all the time.
Seriously, how can you not love this guy?
Mini Big Nog tells us that respect is very important to him. The fighters have to respect the coaches, they have to respect each other, and, before that, they have to respect the team. You know, I’m liking this guy more and more.
The next day, it’s time for Mini Big Nog to name the fighters for the first fight and he chooses Ryan Bader from his team to fight Tom Lawler, the dude with the really bad hair, from Frankie’s team. Unlike coaches in the past who simply flipped coins to choose the fighters, Mini Big Nog has a thought out rational for his choice. He chose Tom to fight Ryan because they’re both wrestlers and, if Tom doesn’t get stopped now, he might fight other guys on Mini’s team and win because he’s a better wrestler. But Mini’s convinced that Ryan’s the guy to beat him.
Back at the house, Krazy’s inner nerd is asserting itself and he decides that it’s time to wage psychological warfare on the other team. Apparently, Krazy’s inner nerd has been planning on this for a while. He tells us that he ordered a bunch of really strong shrink wrap. Who knows? Maybe the producers thought he was obsessive about food freshness or that he was going to wrap himself in it to lose weight? But, no, since Ryan’s fighting, Krazy is going to use the shrink wrap to wrap his mattress and a lot of his stuff together. What an endearing plan. Getting the rest of the team involved, Krazy directs them to gather up all of team Mini’s undies clean and dirty. EEEEWWWW. Following the shrink wrap theme, they wrap the undies together in a giant ball and tape it to the diving board above the pool, where it sits like a glowing giant wad of snot. Krazy is all excited in a totally nerdy kind of way.
“This is just the best. The Best!
Mini Big Nog’s team comes home from practice and notices that some of their things are missing. Efrain finds the huge wad of shrinkwrap taped to the diving board and calls the team out.
I told you it looked like a giant booger.
Ryan realizes that more of his things are missing and finds them under the sheets shrinked wrapped to his mattress. Meanwhile, like girls at a slumber party who just made crank phone calls to the varsity football team, Frankie’s team is waiting in a deliciously titillated state of apprehension to find out how Mini’s team is going to retaliate. Krazy tells us that watching Ryan Bader unwrap his shrink wrapped mattress was one of the funniest things he’s ever seen. Seriously, he was laughing his ass off and he really, really hopes they retaliate. Yeah, well the teenage girls, really, really hoped that the football team noticed them as well. But, when Ryan asks Krazy directly if he was responsible, Krazy totally wimps out and denies his participation. WIMP!! WUSS!! How is the quarterback going to wreak his delicious revenge on your ass, if you don’t coyly fess up? Hmmmm? Totally blew that opportunity didn’t ya?
Ryan tells the camera that he’s just trying to stay out of the whole thing, because it just takes one thing to escalate and then somebody is peeing on somebody’s bed and shitting on the pillow. Really? Seriously? Peeing? Defecating? WTF universe do you come from? What is the rational train of thought that leads an adult male to think, “Hey, I am now justified in unzipping my pants, pulling out my wanger and aiming a stream of urine at this guy’s bed.” Or, “Oh, gee, what a warm cozy pillow to squat over.”
Short sheeting? Warm water? Oh, hey, I know! Let’s pee on it!
But, happily, before any public urination can ensue, we go to weigh-in. Thank you Lord. And, miraculously, both guys make weight without the use of a barf bucket; a pleasant change from previous episodes. Big Daddy is all excited about this fight telling us that, if they’re equal at wrestling, they’ll fight standing up and one of them will either get KO’d or smashed up. I love it when Big Daddy gets all riled up at the thought of his voyeuristic sadistic urges being satisified.
Back at the house of dysfunction, the shrink wrap episode has been set aside as Mini Big Nog’s team is busily preparing a dinner party for Mini Big Nog himself and his coaches. It’s kind of sweet to see how excited this team is for Mini to come hang out with them the night before the fight. Mini’s pretty excited too, about the food. He tells us with a big grin that they’re good cooks and if they can’t fight they could open restaurants. He’d eat there. LOL
You are adorable.
As they trickle back in from their training session, some of the members of the other team are more than a little pissy about the cozy dinner party, so clearly full of joi de vivre and bon vivant. Marilyn, possibly feeling the after affects of her brilliant drunken strategy, tells us that “I see them trying to be a family, see them calling these men, ‘coach’. These guys aren’t my coaches. My coaches are back home. These are my temporary coaches. They’re talking to each other like they’ve known each other all of their lives. They’re gay as hell.”
Why do people always assume that men who throw witty, entertaining dinner parties are gay?
First of all, I’ve got to say that this is a really unfortunate pre-fight photo:
Any bets on whose going to get their ass kicked?
Tom Lawler seems to be a little uncomfortable about the fight, or possibly he simply has a split personality. One personality tells the camera, that Ryan Bader is bigger, stronger, faster, better looking, has better hair, and dresses better. In fact, this personality doesn’t think Tom has anything going for him except his haircut and the fact that he’s motivated.
LOOK at your haircut
Meanwhile, Lawler’s other personality is telling the camera that he hopes Ryan packed a lot of hair gel, because he’s going to have a lot of time to sit around and look pretty when he’s not fighting anymore.
Ryan Bader sounds a little more confident, possibly because he only has one personality to contend with and that personality doesn’t have a squid crapping on his head.
I’m betting on the guy with the best hair.
But before the fight, we go to commercials, with an add for Spike’s new show Manswers that strives to answer the question “how do you harness the power of your piss?” What is it with Spike TV and urine? Is this a man thing I don’t know about? And, just in case anyone is getting uncomfortable excited about this impending man on man gropefest, we come back with the obligatory ass shot:
Wouldn’t it be a kicker if she turned out to be a tranny?
Stats for the fight:
Gratuitous shot of Ryan Bader’s ‘manhood’:
Er…All that is holy and hung does not even begin to express my thoughts…
Big Daddy explains that the fight will last two five minute rounds and if it ends in a draw the fight will go to sudden victory. HeyBuddy or FreewayShark, could you guys explain how sudden victory works? And, why don’t we ever see the mysterious judges?
The fight starts with both Ryan and Lawler looking pretty nervous. They start trying to grapple and Ryan is looking a little more in control, but it’s only 20 seconds in. Then, Ryan takes Lawler down:
and writhes on top of him, punching when he can:
I need to insert that Lawler has dyed his hair a rosy pink and it bears an unsettling resemblance to a rosy vagina. Probably, not the best look when you’re trying to be intimidating. Lawler manages to get to his feet and I’m a little disappointed…I was hoping for a quick ending. Then he gets a good knee in, but Ryan is landing more punches. And, suddenly, Ryan launches for Lawler catching him around the waist and pulling him to the ground:
We’re back to Ryan writhing on top and he manages to get in some good elbows, which have got to hurt. With a minute and forty-five seconds left, Lawler is desperately holding on to Ryan’s head, while Ryan finds creative ways to land punches. Tom almost gets up and tries to push Ryan back with his feet, but for Ryan it’s an opportunity to land the mother of all punches and he KO’s Lawler.
Mini Big Nog is very pleased and says that Ryan did everything they talked about.
“Everybody tried to help out Ryan today. The team’s very tight. That’s a good feeling. I’m very happy today. I’m proud of them.” AWWWWWW!!!!
Frankie is not so pleased. He says the fight started just like he thought it would, but that Lawler made a mistake when he put his feet on Ryan’s hips and didn’t explode.
It happens to all of us sooner or later.
Next week, it looks like all sorts of carnage and mayhem breaks out in the house, with the night drinking getting out of control, someone trying to bait Efrain into a fight, and, not surprisingly, Marilyn going a little too far.
So, what did you guys think? Will Mini’s team continue to win? Is abusive peeing normal male behavior? Are you routing for Frankie or Mini?