Ultimate Fighter: The Potty Training Episode

Dear Gasmii,

For those of you that have spent valuable hours, days, and weeks wondering if abusive public urination can now be considered passé, this week’s episode of The Ultimate Fighter has officially confirmed the cliché status of peeing as a form of revenge. Now that a sparkly golden rain has become a mundane pastime on the show, we can only wonder what cultural gems The Ultimate Fighter will explore next. Will Big Daddy resort to snuff films or fetish porn to satisfy the ratings gods?

If nothing else, maybe Big Daddy will buy them real cheerleading outfits for next season.

Once again, it’s time to find out what our boychiks have been up to, so pull your shades, lock your doors, and take the leap…

We start this week with a recap of Efrain’s and Shane’s epic battle that ended with Efrain submitting Shane.

In case you forgot about Efrain’s crotch crunching prowess

Prompting Marilyn to fall over the fence to defend the honor of his bitch…

…and make the camera guy’s day.

But, before Marilyn can further humiliate himself, a solid wall of muscle stops him.

This is like finding Waldo

Last week left the viewing public rushing to their computers to frantically type out their collective indignation at Marilyn’s behavior on multitudes of MMA forums. Almost universally, viewers predicted that this week would open with Dana kicking Marilyn off the show. And, now, that the moment has finally arrived, I’m holding my breath and crossing my fingers. Is Marilyn kicked out of the UFC back to his Kentucky trailer? Is he booted out of the house, flogged and beaten to a bloody pulp? Nope, none of the above. Big Daddy doesn’t even acknowledge him as he walks by. In fact, his only response is to comment to the gentlemen seated on his right that, if Keith Kezar, the Nevada Gaming Official, had been present, Marilyn would probably have lost his license. I have one word for you Big Daddy, WEAK!! Seriously, this has got to be the lamest response I’ve ever seen from an authority figure. In fact, Mini Big Nog is the only official person present that looks pissed. I think Mini Big Nog needs to take Marilyn to Brazil for a couple months to school him.

Marilyn interviews that he “can go from chill to kill, real fast”. How nice. While most of us work hard to develop character traits such as patience, temperance, and honesty, Marilyn is working hard to develop those important qualities that matter most when you’re trying to get a doctor to prescribe large amounts of lithium.

“Some people in the house think I have a little bit of an anger problem.”

Personally, I’m thinking that a little bit of an anger problem could better be described as violently unstable.

Meanwhile, Efrain is handling himself really well. I have to say that this kid has some impressive self-control. He even goes to hug Marilyn which is pretty funny because Marilyn would probably rather be hugged by RuPaul.

Marilyn apologizes to Frankie and I can only hope that Frankie has more strength in his submissions than his ability to discipline his team. Instead of addressing the broader implications of disrespect to the red team, the sport in general, and Efrain in particular, Frankie just kind of whines that Marilyn made him look bad. I’d like to say poor Frankie, but, really, poor viewers. This is like the most anti-climatic slapdown ever. So, to spice it up a bit here’s my idea of what should have happened:

You’ve got an anger problem? I’ll show you an anger problem and call me, Sir!

Back at the house, the housemates, once again, discuss Marilyn’s antics. Shane Primm lounges in the hot tub, while he explains to Marilyn that, even though they’re friends, he really wanted to punch Marilyn when he jumped the fence. For his part, Marilyn doesn’t seem to grasp why Shane might have been upset. In his usual mature, caring, manner, Marilyn thoughtfully explains that, if he loses his fight, he’ll be in the house drunk every night, and the rest of the house is going to have to put up with him. Because the idea of supporting the other fighters, or even just his teammates is a concept that is way too complex for him.

Disrespect? I don’t get it.

Shane Primm tells Marilyn that his housemates won’t have to deal with him every night, just the two nights before he’s on a bus home. Oh, Shane, you naïve fool. It’s touching that you still believe Big Daddy would toss his pet sociopath from the house? Big Daddy is probably dropping to his knees every night to thank the ratings gods for delivering Marilyn to him. Of course, there might be other reasons that Big Daddy is dropping to his knees, but that would be pure speculation on my part. At this point, I’d be surprised if the eliminated fighters weren’t drawing straws to decide who takes one for the team, and knocks Marilyn the fuck out.

Meanwhile, in the house, the resident amateur psychiatrists are sharing their diagnoses of Marilyn’s behavior. Efrain thinks that Marilyn is bipoloar. But, Cutie Pie Roli probably comes the closest when he explains that Marilyn is not bipolar, he’s just a fucking dick.

Leaving the tawdry problem of Marilyn’s existence, we move on to Mini Big Nog’s guest trainer for the week, Anderson Silva.

The eggplant god.

This guy is truly poetry in motion. He is unbelievable to watch. You know that Frankie Mir’s team has got to be gnashing their collective teeth. This would be like if Project Runway got divided into two teams, and one team got Ralph Lauren to come help them with their designs for a week, while the other team got bubkiss. I’m guessing there’d be some major glue gun action going on back at the loft.

And, along those lines, back at the house, Krazy can’t seem to stop the practical jokes. This would be understandable in an adolescent, but a thirty-year-old man? Didn’t his parents send him to camp to get this out of his system, or were those just the best days of his life and he can’t seem to leave them behind? Of course, I should have some sympathy for the man.

It couldn’t have been easy being Shrek’s kid.

Anyhoo, in a fit of uncontrolled ecstasy, Krazy grabs Efrain’s underwear and soaks them in water before hiding them in the freezer. Then, not content with turning Efrain’s whitey tightys into novelty ice cubes, he and the rest of the blue team dump itching powder on Efrain’s, Kyle’s, Philippe’s, and Roli’s beds, with a little extra in Philippe’s robe just for hoots.

The red team comes back from practice to find a note explaining that Efrain’s undies have been taken hostage, but, if they can’t find them, maybe they’ll get them back in the morning. Because, it’s perfectly normal for heterosexual men to steal each other’s undies? The red team hunts high and low, before locating Efrain’s undies in the freezer. Satisfied that the mystery is solved, and mildly amused by the relatively harmless prank. the weary red team climbs into bed. And starts to itch.

“I lay on my bed and my butt starts itching. I’m like this is kind of awkward.”

Okay, I’m somebody that takes my sleep really seriously. I’m not a morning person and I’m not a night person, I’m more of a ‘needs 10 hours of sleep’ kind of person. So, I can totally understand why the red team is pissed about the itching powder. They’re tired from practice and the underwear hunt, and now they have to strip their beds and wash their sheets. Not surprisingly, they start to plot their revenge. Personally, I would have gone with gluing a Ronald Mcdonald wig to Krazy’s head when he was sleeping, but they’re thinking along other lines. Kyle is preferring a more direct approach of breaking glass outside of the blue team’s door. There’s the popular suggestion of trimming ‘their pubes and butt hair’ and sprinkling the unfortunate trimmings across the blue team’s pillows. Seriously, who admits to butt hair in this day and age? Philippe, who I generally like comes up with the gem of serving them meatballs with “poo-poo” in them.

Kind of like a poo poo platter, but with sauce.

With all of the house drama, I almost forgot that this show is about competing for a UFC contract, and, somewhere in the midst of these pleasantries, two light heavy weights are supposed to fight. Mini Big Nog chooses Eliot from the blue team to fight against Shane Primm. I have to make a small confession here. I’ve been making it a point to try and read the fighter’s blogs, which are really kind of interesting, and Eliot just comes across as little more than a dickwad. So, in addition to wanting Mini Big Nog’s team to win because he is totally my new hero, I really hope Shane wins this fight.

But enough about the basic premise of the show and back to the drama. After Mini Big Nog names the fighters, the red team continues to plan their great revenge. And, what is the fruit of all their creativity, their grand vision to wreak havoc on the blue team? Fish. To give them credit, they’re not talking about any old fish, they want sardines, which of course the producers happily procure for them. You have to wonder if the producers would maybe draw the line at procuring land mines or grenades. Anyhoo, the red team gets busy rubbing the fish over the walls, carpet and beds in the blue teams room. Philippe charmingly comments that the sardines smell like vaginas, which leads me to wonder who he’s been having sex with. Kyle gets a little drunk on the fish fumes and starts pouring the fish oil across beds and between folded towels. I’m sure that they managed more devious ways to utilize their sardines, but, I have to admit that I’m a little distracted by the princess pink décor of the room.

Seriously, short of castration, there’s nothing that the red team can do that’s going to be more demoralizing to the blue team’s collective machismo, than making them sleep in this room.

And, now, that I’m noticing the décor there’s another room with a seriously creepy clown painted on the wall. I’ll bet anything that thing is triggering the crap out of Marilyn.

Every time he sees it he probably punches somebody.

As a whole, the blue team seems to take the fishgate prank pretty well. Though I must say that in the show they sound pretty blasé about the fish smell, but in their blogs they seem to have been pretty pissed off. Of course, there’s always the one exception to the rule and this time its not Marilyn. Marilyn’s actually been pretty restrained this episode, which is allowing for some of the other fighters true douchiness to shine through. Yay for douchebag fighters! And, here to give Marilyn a run for his money is Vinny.

I did what I had to do.

Furious about the fishy smell permeating his bed, Vinny marches into the red team’s room to find out who the culprit was. He questions each person in each bed until he comes to Efrain’s empty bed. Taking the bed’s empty silence for an admission of guilt, Vinny pulls out his wanger and pees on Efrain’s pillow. It seems that Vinny is no more trustworthy in the house than my 7 lb lapdog.

This is why crate training is good for people too.

Now, just for hoots, lets take a moment and think over any other comparable situations that come to mind: Top Chef, Project Runway, Shear Genius, or I Want to Work for Diddy, just to name a few. The list of reality shows where the contestants compete for the professional opportunities of their dreams is long, and in every show the interpersonal drama is constant. Winning these shows is worth about $100,000. Tim Gunn’s expression, if Corto had peed all over Kenley’s pillow? Priceless.

But, in Big Daddy’s show, using aggressive urination tactics to vent frustration seems to be only slightly unacceptable; a social faux pas, so to speak. And, here, the disconnect from the real world is mind-boggling. Is Big Daddy accepting people from institutions as some sort of a work release program? I mean, seriously, how many sane adults do you know who pee on your belongings when they’re mad at you?

And, apparently, Vinny has no hesitation in his actions, leading me to suspect that this isn’t the first time he’s whipped out his wanger in frustration. Cutie Pie Roli tells Efrain, “You know how it takes a second, especially if there are five dudes in the room. Man, he whipped his dick out and it was just immediate.”

I have to admit that I’m developing a grudging respect for Efrain, he’s young and he’s in a difficult situation, but he’s sure as hell handling it better than I would in his place. So, despite the smirk, GO EFRAIN!!”

Going back to the “real” plot line, the editors decide to give us a little bio information on Shane and Eliot. Shane tells us that he learned his work ethic from his father who was in the special forces.

On the other hand, Eliot shares that his mom was Jewish and his dad was African American, so he didn’t fit in anywhere and didn’t have any friends in high school.

I have the personal history of a serial killer.

But, enough of the “real” plotline, and back to the drama. After having his pillow urinated on, Efrain seems to have had some trouble sleeping. What’s amazing to me is that he still slept in the bed. I would have torched the thing. Mini Big Nog finds him trying to sleep on some practice mats and demands to know why he’s so tired. As the only person with some authority on the entire show who’s hampered by little things like personal values and codes of conduct, Mini Big Nog is shocked that someone peed on Efrain’s pillow. How refreshing.

Because Mini Big Nog has the radical belief that professional athletes, who are actively training and competing, would benefit from undisturbed sleep, he decides to share his concerns with Frankie. Frankie being the consummate professional immediately agrees to talk to his team and demand respectful professional behavior so that every fighter has the best chance of excelling. Sorry, I was swept away in a wishful fantasy for a moment. In reality, Frankie treats Mini Big Nog in the exact same way as a teenage boy reacts when his mom asks him to keep his room clean. “Yeah, yeah, sure mom. Whatever.”

Please God, let Mini Big Nog kick Frankie’s lazy butt when their fight comes. Mini Big Nog talks the matter over with his assistant coaches, and Stankie is all over this issue, saying that it’s the “difference between honor and not.” Which, in principal, I agree with, but I’m so horrified by the fact that Stankie has someone spraying his armpits with deodarant while he speaks that I kind of missed the rest of what he was saying.

Stankie is stinky? Seriously, WTF?

Mini Big Nog and Stankie decide to visit the house and to try and talk to the boychicks about their behavior, pointing out that “you guys are going too far. You’re going to have a fight here for sure.”

Oh, goody. A fight would be great for ratings.

Big Daddy thinks it cool that Mini Big Nog cares as much as he does about the fighters. Unfortunately, Big Daddy doesn’t care about anything other than ratings, so he just thinks it that will be interesting to see if Mini Big Nog can get the pranks to stop.

Sadly, the blue team fails in every conceivable way to give Mini Big Nog respect. They barely pause in their conversations to listen to him. Okay, this is the UFC heavyweight champion and the Pride heavyweight champion that we’re talking about. Even if you don’t think that deserves respect, at least be smart enough to figure out that this guy might have some influence in the MMA world. It’s probably not going to help you if he thinks you’re an asshole.

Of course, not every fighter in the house has control over being an asshole. Case in point, Eliot is all indignant that Efrain told Mini Big Nog what was going down in the house. I mean, why would a professional athlete lodge a complaint when he can’t sleep because other people are peeing on his bed? Apparently, Eliot has a different take on the situation and gripes, “Grown ass man, why do you need your coach to come over and protect yourself? Do you need to go cry to your mother?”

I don’t think Eliot’s lack of friends had anything to do with his mixed heritage.

Meanwhile, Vinnie, the poster child for glue sniffing delinquents everywhere, tells us, “Uh, oh, Efrain is mad cus I peed on his bed. Next time I’ll do something worse.”

This house is great. Most people have me arrested when I pee on their things.

The Fight

And, oh yeah, with 9 minutes left, we just have time to fit in the fight.

Stats:

Ring girl:

Dear God, if you let Shane win, I promise to be nicer to my neighbor. Sadly, I’m not feeling too hopeful about the outcome of the fight. But, on the bright side, I can keep being a bitch to the cologne reeking cheeseball who lives next door to me, comes roaring in on his motorcycle at all hours of the night, and keeps calling me “sweetie”.

This fight is a lot more aggressive than the last fight. Shane rushes at Eliot trying to land a punch, which unfortunately missed.

Oops-a-daisy

And, Eliot takes Shane down, holding him from behind. It’s clear pretty quickly that outside of a miracle, it’s just going to be a matter of time before Eliot chokes Shane out.

Great practice for prison.

Shane’s face is turning red, and I’m still praying, but, no, Shane taps out and a medic runs into the ring.

Sigh!

With his testosterone raging, Eliot storms around the ring and calls Ryan Bader out as his next fight, which makes me happy. I hope Ryan beats Eliot into a bloody pulp. So, now, out of the four heavyweights on the blue team Eliot has won, Tom Lawlor has lost, and Krazy and Vinny are left to fight. But, it seems that Eliot considers Vinny a negligible quantity as he announces that it will be Krazy and Eliot in the finals. Vinny isn’t too happy about this statement and he isn’t listening to any of Eliot’s backtracking. If I were Eliot, I’d be hiding all of my stuff for a really long time.

Gotta go take a leak.

Over in the red team’s dressing room, Shane and the rest of the fighters are taking the loss pretty hard. But rumor has it that Shane might not be done for the series, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Next week, Cutie Pie Roli gets called out to fight Marilyn, and Frankie and Marilyn both question Roli’s black belt credentials. After, surfing the MMA forums it appears that Roli’s black belt credentials are solid and that Frankie Mir is once again acting like a douche. On a pleasant note, it also sounds like, at the very least, Roli is able to give Marilyn a run for his money. Go Cutie Pie Roli!

So, what do you guys think? Why is Marilyn still in the house? Should the pranks stop? Is Krazy really related to Shrek?

Hugs,

Yenta