V: The Great V Caper

Hey, everybody who reads my V-caps. Sorry for no About Last Night mini-recap this week. I had stuff to take care of Tuesday night. Let’s get to it.

PREVIOUSLY ON V

Here’s what V wants us to remember:

-Last week Erica was presented with a challenge: to prove her worthiness to Cohn’s network of lieutenants. The show recaps this, but not the fact that Erica successfully COMPLETED that challenge, so I guess she has to do it all over again this week? Most likely.

-Meanwhile, last week Lisa disobeyed Anna in refusing to sleep with Rafael-or-whatever-the-Spanish-Peace-Ambassador’s-name-was, and now must earn back Anna’s trust and favor.

-It’s an even-numbered episode, so that probably means Tyler will be the key to Anna’s plans once again. Last week he kind of important but ultimately replaceable, and will probably be so again next week, but for now, ANNA MUST HAVE HIS DNA.

-That thing with wittily named Live Aboards. They’re the humans who have elected to live on the V ships voluntarily, or at least  I think that’s the case. I don’t think they’re the ones whom the V’s have abducted. Either way the V’s are experimenting on them, or torturing them maybe, and plan to use them for the Evil Plan. I could look it up in my notes, but…I’m not going to.

-Erica is an FBI agent. Kidding. The show wants us to forget this fact entirely so we’re not distracted when she spends 18 hours a day being a terrorist. Don’t think about it.

COLD OPEN

This week, we open on a V mothership hovering over Tianamen Square. Here’s a screengrab:

And it still looks way better than Hong Kong or Bangkok last week

I spent more time looking for a photo for this joke than I did on anything else for this recap.

Anyway, a Chinese Peace Ambassador is distributing literature to passersby. And then, blood starts streaming out of his eyes, and he vomits up a bilious pink substance.

I hope the show has way, way more of this

One woman screams.

This show is a comedy

THE V MOTHERSHIP

Then, we cut to a naked woman being tortured on one of those Needle Bed things…

Helpfully, Anna tells us exactly what’s going on: they are extracting DNA from the Live Aboards, specifically the genes that cause each Live Aboard’s extraordinary trait.

“Find me the gene that will cause me to stop constantly saying my plans out loud!”

Joshua, Anna, and Thomas walk away from the Needle Bed DNA Extractor and down their Vagina Hallway. Tomorrow the final batch of Live Aboards will arrive, Joshua tells them/us.

They walk up to a giant, spinning alien drill bit-looking thing.

They sell these at Evil Alien Supply, the home and garden store for all evil aliens. (They’re in the “Probing and Raping Needs” aisle)

A scientist holds a comically tiny beaker up to the drill thing, and it dispatches some metal tendril-type things to take it from him. The drill sucks up the material inside the beaker, and soon it reports that DNA has been acquired. So I guess that’s the purpose of that thing.

Anna looks on proudly. Now that she’s decapitated the Fifth Column, she reminds us for the hundredth time, she can move forward with the Evil Plan. Speaking of the Fifth Column.

FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

Erica, Hobbes, Chad, Jack, and Sid the Science Kid have gathered here to hold a video chat session with Cohn’s lieutenants. Erica wonders whether they can be sure their connection is secure, and Sid’s solution is that they’re just going to use Facebook.

“Maybe we shouldn’t call the event  Secret Terrorist Meeting for the Terrrorists”

Also, why are they finally using real websites on this show? So far they’ve had shitty fake versions of stuff like Youtube and CNN.

Oh, also, here’s what “Facebook” looks like in V Land. I take back what I just said.

As they wait for their totally secure network linkup to be ready, Hobbes, Chad, and Jack take turns saying lines of dialogue about how Erica is the leader of the global Fifth Column, each man planting his own seed of doubt in her head. It’s like that scene in Caddyshack where Ty psyches Danny out right before the final putt, except not funny.

Then it’s time for their meeting. Erica gets right to the point: like we heard last week, their mission is to sabotage Anna’s breeding plan. Chad will track down a master list of Live Aboard candidates and send it to Fifth Column agents around the world. Then, they will corrupt each candidate’s DNA. To do THAT, they will “acquire a flu strain” and “program” it to attack any DNA’s reproductive systems it encounters. So, basically, they’re going to use the Live Aboards’ bloodstreams to sneak a virus into the V’s system and ruin that Giant Spinning Drill of Reproduction.

And to give all the Live Aboards the flu, Hobbes will run up to each of them individually and sneeze in their faces.

Also, I assume this means they’re going to let the Live Aboards be captured and tortured. I bet this never gets addressed.

Before the meeting concludes, one of the lieutenants points out an uncomfortable truth: executing this plan blows their cover, and Anna will be recommitted to hunting down and killing the Fifth Column. Erica will have a target on her back. She takes this in silently.

Everyone logs off and gets down to business. Chad leaves to find the list of Live Aboards, while everyone else will go after the flu strain. Their best chance will be to get one at a nearby biolab. The virus is under lock and key, so that means they’ll be cooking up a scheme to infiltrate the lab. It’ll take them about twenty minutes to come up with this plan, and it will succeed perfectly with no hitches whatsoever.

THE V MOTHERSHIP

Jesus Christ, the Cold Open still isn’t over.

Joshua approaches Anna to tell her about that Chinese guy we saw collapse in Tianamen Square a couple minutes ago. He was one of the twenty-nine candidates to fuck Lisa and move the Evil Plan along. He’s dead now, and the cause was a mysterious illness that’s already killed another candidate in Sweden.

Tyler, tragically, has shown no sign of this illness, but Anna will be taking every precaution. Joshua will be performing an autopsy on one of the dead fuck-candidates. In the meantime they will figure out whether Lisa still doesn’t want to fuck Rafael. If Lisa declines, Anna can still fall back on Morris Chestnut’s Man Baby, who’s nearly reached reproductive maturity this week.

This is network TV, so we all know “reproductive maturity” means “eighteen and hot”, and not “awkward, scared, and twelve.” So get ready for more hot people fucking. And don’t worry about something disturbing happening.

ACT ONE

V MOTHERSHIP

After the break, we come back to find Anna shaming Lisa by showing her video of her refusal to fuck Rafael. Lisa promises Anna she will do better this time, and is even reasonably convincing, so we’ll have to see how this goes.

Then Thomas approaches Anna with a development in the Live Aboard phase of the Evil Plan. They have discovered a little girl named Jennifer who has an abnormally strong immune system. The V’s want to add her to the Live Aboard list so they can steal her DNA, but the kid’s mother, Melissa, refuses to travel to the mothership. Anna orders that Melissa be brought before her. She will handle this personally.

You do realize why this is happening, right? The V’s are going to incorporate a bulletproof immune system AT THE EXACT MOMENT the Fifth Column tries to kill them with a virus. I…just…gah…

Cock.

THE FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

Erica and the others plan to raid the bio lab. The daring plan is thus: they will go inside and take the virus. That’s it.

Sid openly questions the thing I was just bitching about, which is, how the hell do they expect to just break into a biolab without really planning anything first? Erica and the others smirk as Sid’s and my inexperience in such things. It’s minimum security! No big deal.

I think the people at V don’t realize the audience has DVRs and can rewind episodes to double-check things. They assume the audience just forgets everything

Jack steps in here to question Erica’s plans and generally drag the scene out…first he reminds them not to murder any biolab guards, as the guards are normal people and not aliens. Then he questions Erica’s decision to bring Sid along for the ride, as Sid isn’t exactly a military type, but she overrules him, and we’re moving on.

THE V MOTHERSHIP

Anna meets with newcomers Jessica and Melissa now. This scene is fucking ridiculous…

Melissa’s only reservation about uprooting her and her daughter’s entire life to live on an alien space ship is that her daughter won’t have anyone to play with on the ship.

The V’s must have excellent preschools, I guess

And of course, Anna has a ready-made solution. She tells Melissa a secret: she has a daughter of her own onboard, one she’s never told the press about. Her name is Amy. I assume Amy is the Morris Chestnut Man Baby. Amy just happens to be Melissa’s mother’s name, which means Anna probably looked up that information ten minutes ago and named Amy on the spot.

Anyway, Melissa is sold. It’s parenting!

But wait, weren’t the V’s just talking about speeding up Amy’s maturation? Wasn’t Amy about to become a woman? How would a grown woman be a little girl’s playmate? I guess Amy ISN’T about to become a woman.

You know what that means, don’t you? Raphael is gonna fuck a baby.

(Also, wouldn’t Melissa at least want to fucking MEET Amy before fundamentally altering their lives?)

MORRIS CHESTNUT’S MANBABY’S BEDROOM

Let’s check in on our most interesting character on the show. Morris Chestnut is playing patty-cake with his manbaby when a couple V goons storm in and announce his time is up. One takes the manbaby and leaves, while the other pulls out his V blaster to carry out Anna’s orders to kill MC.

Morris Chestnut uses his catlike reflexes to elbow the V guy in the face, and they struggle for a while. Eventually, Morris Chestnut knocks the blaster out of the V’s hands, plus the V’s suicide pill.

Morris retrieves the gun, loads…the suicide pill into it…and disintegrates the goon.

The guns use pills for bullets!!!!! Whaaaaaa????

Well, it looks as though Morris Chestnut has gotten himself into a bit of a pickle.

THE V MEDICAL BAY

Morris Chestnut heads straight for Joshua, who’s performing some boring-looking tests on a human subject. He turns around to find a blaster in his face.

Morris Chestnut demands to know where the manbaby is being held, but Joshua insists the thing is too heavily guarded for Morris Chestnut to ever reach her. He also mentions to Morris Chestnut that even if he did rescue the manbaby, it would suffer without exposure to Anna’s bliss. Which we know is bullshit, as maturing the manbaby has eliminated the Bliss threat.

When you stick a gun in a guy’s face, you should believe everything he says

Morris Chestnut lowers his gun. Joshua asks why Morris doesn’t just kill him, and Morris brings up their mutual past as part of the Fifth Column. Joshua denies it—though he doesn’t deny ever having been part of it, just that it means anything to him, which seems to indicate his memories are coming back. Morris Chestnut warns him that once you’ve felt human emotions, they always stay within you. His words seem to register, and then he knocks Joshua out cold.

AT THE BIOLAB

Back on Earth, Erica and the gang pull up in a van outside Jameson Labs. They wait until the lab’s lone middle-aged, tubby security guard leaves the front entrance, then pull on their ski masks and start the heist.

They don’t even bother trying to bust the lock on the door; Hobbes just shoots out the glass in one of the windows. An alarm starts wailing, but it’s pretty halfhearted and I’m surprised it’s there at all.

The guard wanders back to the entrance, and Erica promptly tasers him and binds his hands. They grab his ID and continue into the laboratory section.

They encounter another lone security guard patrolling a hallway…apparently the intruder security alarm doesn’t reach anyone who isn’t standing right next to it. They take that guard down, too. Hobbes gives Jack a gun and orders him to cover them while they go into the room where the viruses are. Hobbes thinks there’s only one guard left. Right after the others run inside, Jack spots the guard in question down the hallway, but the guard doesn’t see him, nor does he notice anything amiss.

The guard clearly suffers from major hearing loss/doesn’t understand what an alarm is

Jack follows the guard to see where he’s going.

Inside the lab, Sid searches for the virus when suddenly the remaining guard pops into the room and opens fire. Hobbes goes down, and everyone else takes cover. Jack tackles the guard from behind, but the guard hangs onto his pistol, so Erica puts a couple rounds into his torso from underneath a table.

What an asshole! She killed some poor bastard—

No, wait, she didn’t. The show pussed out.

So now we’ll have to deal with Jack’s Catholic guilting even though nobody actually died. Fun.

Now that the guard is stunned, Sid finds the virus, (which was just sitting in a big glass case), and they flee.

THAT’S why they couldn’t find it earlier. It was sitting in a clear glass case on a table.

Also Hobbes is fine from the gunshot wound, and it probably won’t matter that his blood is all over a crime scene now.

ACT TWO

FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

Or maybe we won’t have to deal with emotional fallout of this incident, as the team hasn’t slowed down. Jack uses his handy field medic skills to dress Hobbes’s wound while Sid does some Science Stuff to the virus to get it ready for the next phase of the plan.

It’s taking longer than they wanted, though, and Erica hurries Sid along. He finally finishes.

Wait, false alarm. We will have to be dealing with the emotional fallout of the incident…you can probably skip to the next scene now. You know what happens.

In fact, I’m going to skip ahead, too.

Oh, plus more flirting between the mom-cop and the sallow, wooden-faced mercenary, whatever, whatever

EXPOOOOOSITION TONIGHT

Chad’s shuffling some manila folders around on his desk. This indicates…I have no idea. He soon gets up and leaves.

THE MANBABY’S BEDROOM

Anna and Thomas show up to watch Morris Chestnut’s manbaby play with a Barbie. They’ve discovered Ryan has escaped and can’t find him anywhere on the ship. Seems like they should have a Technologies for that, but this time they don’t.

Thomas also takes the opportunity to ask Anna about her relationship with the manbaby…does Anna really think it will think of her as its mother after Anna gave it the disease? Anna believes the kidthing will.

LISA’S ROOM

Meanwhile, Lisa entertains Raphael the Spanish “Peash Ambashador,” as he refers to himself. She wastes no time smoothing over the difficulties of the previous encounter, chalking it up to nervousness. He moves in and kisses her.

And right now Tyler just haaaaaaaapens to show up and see everything.

And this is especially shitty because it means we’ll get to see the poor man’s poor man’s Shia LaBoeur do some acting

They get into a fight, trading a couple punches, until Raphael’s insides start gurgling out of his mouth like the Chinese guy’s did. Oops.

Tyler will probably think this is because he punched Raphael too hard. “His spleen started coming out of his mouth! What have I done?!?!?!”

So Raphael’s dead.

FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

All of Chad’s Folder Shuffling paid off, because he now shows up with all twenty-nine names of the Live Aboard members. They continue with the planning but honestly, it’s so hard to figure out I can’t say for sure what they’re doing…now that they have info on all twenty-nine Live Aboard members, they can just pick one of them to give the virus to, (I think)…and, Sid has sent the virus around the globe, but I have no clue whether that means he’s sent it to the Fifth Column lieutenants or he’s actually infected people with it. I think it’s the former, but then, why do they only need one Live Aboard member if they’re sending the virus to all twenty-nine cities.

Fuck it, I tried.

Anyway, Sid also hopes that the virus won’t have any ill effects on people. Turns out experimental viruses are very dangerous since they haven’t been tested properly. They could have all kinds of horrible side effects. Sid has no idea.

It also turns out that Sid, Erica, and Hobbes knew this the entire time this has been going on and just didn’t tell Jack about it—scratch that, they LIED to Jack about it—because they knew he would be a wet blanket about the idea. So now Jack is left to stand there mouth agape, looking like a schmuck.

I don’t know how to tell you this, Jack, but your friends hate you. I did enjoy telling you, though.

Jack throws a hissy fit about it. “This isn’t the Erica I know!” and all that. And Erica proceeds to unzip her fly, pull out her leadership cock, and slap him with it. The matter is settled.

ACT THREE

NEW YORK CITY

The next day, Hobbes, Erica, Jack, and Sid sit in a black SUV, scoping out a coffee shop. Every day a guy named Will Lerner visits this shop; he’s one of the Live Aboard members, and their target.

(They knew to come to this coffee shop because they looked up Will’s credit card statements. Boo yah).

Erica double-checks the virus-delivery plan with Sid, and we see how this is supposed to go down. To give Will the virus, she will pour it in his coffee cup.

This is also how I got my case of herpes. I swear.

Before she departs, Jack asks her one last time whether she’s capable of this. Rather than answer for herself, she looks to Hobbes, who gravely nods. She’s out.

THE V MOTHERSHIP

OK, I laughed out loud at this next scene…

Joshua, (apparently conscious again and not too upset about Morris Chestnut clocking him), tells Anna about Raphael. Raphael isn’t actually dead, but is on life support. The cause of these mysterious total-body failures is none other than the boys’ lack of HALF OF THEIR FUCKING DNA.

“I’m sorry, my queen. I had no idea that removing half of a human’s genetic code would have any ill effects.”

Anna orders him to just fix it, but Joshua figures that’s impossible without all of the Live Aboard DNA. (You mean he doesn’t have any Technologies for this? Maybe a DNA Rebuilder Ray?)

Anyway, the point is, now it’s even more urgent that they bring the Live Aboards up to the ship.

THE MEDICAL BAY

Lisa looks over the unconscious body of Rafael…has she developed feelings for the suave continental stud? Can she?

Tyler finds her here. He’s come to apologize, but Lisa doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t blame him for Rafael’s state, but she does feel hurt that Tyler didn’t trust her. There are bigger things than her and him, things Tyler wouldn’t understand. Like math and reading.

Tyler claims he was just jealous at seeing her kiss another guy, and thinks she just doesn’t get it, being that she’s an alien without feelings, and thus totally missing the point of everything she just said.

FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

Erica, having successfully given Will the virus between scenes, receives updates from the lieutenants. The viruses have arrived and they’ve given them to their targets, who are all on their way to the mothership. Now they just need to wait.

THE V MOTHERSHIP

Anna greets the final group of Live Aboard people. She warmly welcomes Melissa and Jennifer, doing her best to mimic human friendliness and charm. Jennifer sure is excited to meet Amy, and she and her mother head off into the ship.

Once they’re out of earshot, Anna orders them to begin ripping out Jennifer’s DNA.

Behind her, Will Lerner too comes onto the mothership. He looks excited, but soon starts to look under the weather. He tries pushing through it. But the moment he puts his hand on a scanner to get inside, he keels over.

THE MEDICAL BAY

Shortly after, Joshua and Thomas have stabilized Lerner, and in so doing have figured out the entire extent of the Fifth Column’s plan. They tell Anna about the virus and the threat it poses to everything she’s worked for.

Anna orders them to warn all the other motherships to screen Live Aboard members for the virus and extract their DNA without letting it get contaminated. Once that’s done, they are to execute everyone who’s infected.

Thomas and Joshua both ask how the fuck Anna plans to spin that once humanity finds out, and she dismissively tells them she’ll just blame it on the Fifth Column.

SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE SHIP

Remember how Morris Chestnut has been skulking around the ship for like a full day without being caught? Now, he corners Lisa and aims his blaster at her to get her to keep quiet.

He’s approached her because she’s the only person who can help him get his manbaby back. To soften Lisa up, he tells her of the leader before Anna, who was nothing like the Lizard Queen we know today.

But Lisa knows all about Diana. In fact, Diana may be able to sort things out.

DIANA’S LAIR

Lisa and Morris Chestnut teleport to the lair. Diana is delighted to see her former subject and Morris Chestnut is shocked to learn she’s still alive.

Lisa asks her mee-maw if she can help smuggle Morris Chestnut off the ship, and they’re in luck. It just so happens that back when she was running the show Diana built some stealth escape pods, undetectable by either human or V technology. She agrees to help Morris Chestnut in exchange for a favor to be named later.

But Morris Chestnut doesn’t want to leave without his human-V manbaby hybrid. When Diana learns of the existence of such a being, she perks up. It could mean the salvation of the species!

I’m guessing we’ll learn here that the V’s aren’t a naturally warlike species. Diana will want to find a peaceful solution; it’s just that Anna is a huge dick. Thoughts?

ACT FOUR

EXPOSITION TONIGHT

Chad Wolf sits at his anchor desk, about to go live with the nooz, when he’s handed an message. Something isn’t good. But the lights go on.

Chad reports some shitty news for the Fifth Column. Anna has gone ahead with her plan to murder every hapless bastard who got infected with the virus, and blame them for being Fifth Column.

FIFTH COLUMN HEADQUARTERS

The gang gets the news.

Jack: See? I told you Jesus would ruin your plans if you ignored me, but did you listen? Noooooo.

Erica then has to answer to the lieutenants. They took a risk in following her, and now the plan has failed. Will she pay for this?

Nope. They do confront her for leading a failed mission, but in about two seconds she’s spun things her way: yeah, they failed, but they also provoked Anna into admitting the continuing existence of the Fifth Column. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Yup, counts for everything. Everything’s fine.

Erica and Anna: master manipulators of gullible idiots

They’ll figure out what to do next tomorrow. For now, Erica’s got to smooth things over with Jack-off.

So again, don’t give a shit about Jack, but one kind of cool thing happens here with Erica. She shows no remorse over the death of the twenty-nine Live Aboard victims whatsoever. When Jack asks her to at least acknowledge it as a tragedy, she refuses. The only tragedy is that the virus bombs didn’t go off.

Yeah, it’s great that she’s being a hardass leader who can make a tough call to prioritize the fate of the world ahead of a couple individuals, but to not even acknowledge it as a tragedy? I think she’s falling apart.

THE V MOTHERSHIP

Morris Chestnut sneaks into Anna’s office, then pulls out a pocket video projector. He sees a video feed from Lisa’s cadet jacket. Lisa has approached Anna to apologize for letting her down and to promise she can be relied on. Anna accepts.

But Lisa positions her torso so that Morris Chestnut can see his manbaby in the background. “I’m sorry!” he yowls at the hologram. And it’s time to go.

He pulls up another interface, this time of the control panel for Diana’s escape pod. The circular section on the roof of the office comes to life, becoming an aperture that opens into a shaft. Out comes the escape pod.

THE MEDICAL BAY

Meanwhile, the V doctors finish extracting the DNA from Jessica, who’s strapped naked to the needle bed.

You’re welcome, pedophiles

A doctor then places the vial of her DNA into the spinning drill thing, which reports that the DNA sequencing is complete. It rotates, menacingly.

ELSEWHERE ON THE SHIP

Joshua reports to Anna that the DNA mixture is ready, and she gives the order to inject it into the breeding program boys. The Evil Plan goes along.

Then she and Thomas discuss how to deal with the resurgent Fifth Column threat. They’ll have to find and target its new leader, but it’s still unsettling the FC knows so much.

DIANA’S LAIR

Lisa then reports to Diana that Morris Chestnut has escaped. Diana thanks Lisa for bringing him to her, saying her instincts were correct. She cryptically muses that she, Lisa, and Morris Chestnut are all threats to Anna because they can feel human emotion. All will be explained in due time.

For now, Lisa must seek out Diana’s strongest ally on the ship, who as of now doesn’t know Diana is alive. Remember how Marcus miraculously survived the assassination? Turns out this is why.

Now THAT’s an act break

ACT FIVE

ERICA’S HOUSE

Erica sits on the couch in her empty home, unwinding after a trying day. She looks at a picture of the late Joe, probably wanting to get her swerve on.

She calls Jack. It’s ostensibly about softening her stance on the tragedy issue, but I think she’s really looking for a booty call. Unfortunately, he sees it’s her on his caller ID and doesn’t pick up.

Luckily, the doorbell rings. It’s Hobbes! He’s come with a bottle of booze. He claims he’s here to offer her some support. You know, leaders get lonely and all that.

But he doesn’t make a move, actually. He tells her she did a great job and leaves it at that. He turns to leave, but it’s Erica who invites him in.

Finally, the hottest couple in TV history will ease the sexual tension. Fuck you, Niles & Daphne, Sam & Diane, Ross & Rachel, David & Maddie and everyone else

Hobbes goes over to the bookshelf and makes what seems like the ultimate boner-killing mood: he picks up a photo of Joe and asks how she’s holding up. But like any good seducer, Hobbes knows the thought of Joe will send Erica reeling, and thus let Hobbes seal the deal.

She says some stuff about being upset over Joe, blah blah blah.

So does Hobbes, he talks about that random lady from his past that gave Marcus leverage over him and hasn’t been mentioned since, blah blah blah.

Then, they fuck!

MOTHERSHIP

I wanted to end on that note, but this is a recap, and damn it, there’s one scene left.

Anna gives Tyler the DNA injection. And thus, the fate of Tyler “I believe anything that’s told to me” Evans is sealed.

THE END

I have one main thought about this episode. On the AV Club this week. They went over an old Dick van Dyke Show episode, and the risk you run with comedies about comedians. The episode in question ends on Dick van Dyke’s characters doing a sketch on the show-within-the-show. The fictional audience loves it, but the problem is, the sketch isn’t actually funny. So it’s even MORE unfunny when you have other characters pretending like it is. It fails harder.

I think this episode of V proves the same holds true in some drama shows. The whole episode is about Erica “inspiring” her followers. Nothing she does is particularly inspiring, yet everyone acts like she’s Malcolm X. To me, it’s even less convincing.

That’s all for me this week. Thanks for reading!