V: The Home Stretch

Hey there Gasmii, well we are in the home stretch for this season of V.  With just one episode after this one the show is all about answering all our burning questions for the season, like… … … help me out here, why are we watching this show again?  Just kidding!  We’re watching this show because it’s the only, sorry, the best show about evil space lizards trying to conquer the world on network TV today.  And, that’s saying something, because The View is a close second.  What?  A morning talk show?  Are you sure?  I mean have you seen Barbara Walters in HD lately? Man, I need to take another look at that show.  Anyway this week we got to see FBI Mom continue to suck at being an FBI agent, Anna making an almost constant stream of evil faces, and a whole bunch of other stuff happens too.  So make the jump my fellow V-heads, and let’s get to the good stuff.

Not space lizards… allegedly

Our episode starts with a homeless guy rummaging through garbage cans in some dark alley.  He’s muttering to himself, and doesn’t seem to be happy with how things are going, which is depressing, not only because the guy’s homeless, but because he’s also having an absolutely crap day at his job.

It gets worse for homeless guy because he sees something behind a dumpster that makes him freak out.  No, it’s not Larry King in a thong and don’t make that face.  The guy’s been married seven times, so you know he’s suited up in a love bikini at least once.  No, it turns out Homeless Guy has found Space Alien Bait, and she’s had the space poop kicked out of her.  Homeless Guy darts off to find help and we cut to a fresh scene.

FBI Mom shows up at the V Healing Center with her new partner (who is also a V secret agent that we will refer to from here on in as Dentheada), and her partner is filling FBI Mom in on all the details.  Some serious nogoodniks from the Fifth Column have roughed up a V and said if the Vs don’t take their act on the road they are going to kill all of them.  FBI Mom comments that’s pretty subtle in way that is almost sarcastic enough to get her own recapping gig.

Of course this is when FBI Mom sees that the roughed up V in question is Space Alien Bait and at 2:28 into tonight’s episode we get our very first oh-I-crapped-myself  face of the night.  Dentheada wants to know why it suddenly smells like Taco Bell farts, and FBI Mom tells her that Space Alien Bait is her son’s girlfriend.

FBI Mom is not so quietly freaking out about her baby boy swapping spit with a space lizard, when she sees just how badly Space Alien Bait got roughed up, and her mommying instincts kick in.  FBI Mom goes in the room and tells Space Alien Bait that everything is going to be okay, and covers up her sports bra with a sheet.

Yes, for some reason (translation, May Sweeps) the V docs took off Space Alien top to treat facial lacerations, and broken legs.  Although I’m told this is a standard procedure in these situations, assuming your doctor is Ben Roethlisberger…and if it’s R. Kelly, well let’s just not go there, okay?

Anyway, after FBI Mom covers up Space Alien Bait’s boobies, she asks her if Space Alien Bait knows who attacked her.  This leads into a quick little mini-flashback from the end of last week’s episode where Anna gives Space Alien Bait a nasty forearm shiver, and then tells a nearby goon to break Space Alien Bait’s legs.

Space Alien Bait says she has no idea who roughed her up, and this turns out to be the right statement to make, because Anna just happens to be watching SAB on her floating CGI computer screen.  Anna’s very happy with how this situation is playing out, which is great news for Space Alien Bait’s joints.  Anna tells Rocco DiSpaceLizard to fix Space Alien Bait’s busted legs with their super healing black light, but to leave her face all messed up.

Anna breaks out her first evil grin of the night, and says that a picture is worth a thousand words.  True that, and if it’s of Britney Spears’ hoo-haw it’s worth thousands of dollars too.

Anna then says she needs to go see her baby girl in just about the most sarcastic way possible.  Man, we’re less than three minutes into the episode and the only way Anna could act any more evil is if the writers gave her a mustache to twirl.  Still, we’re not complaining because over the top evil Anna is way more fun then the does not blink Anna we had to watch for the first six episodes.

We cut over to Hobbs, who is hanging out in his basement loading guns and watching a bunch of computer monitors.  This scene gets interesting when on the news show that Hobbs is watching they show sketches of Space Alien Bait’s attackers, and one of them just happens to be him.  Hobbs gets to make his first I pooped a brick face of the night, and we get yet another cut.

We head over to Bailey 2.0 who is at work, so you know his feet can’t touch the ground when he sits in his chair.  Some extra guy comes over and tells B20 about Space Alien Bait getting roughed up, and wants to know why Bailey 2.0 isn’t covering the story.  This gives Bailey 2.0 the chance to make the same sort of very concerned face that I make when I think about him walking around in just a towel again.  Jkdlslskaslsaslkdjf.  Sorry, just had a textbook case of the willies.

We make another quick cut over to Our Lady of Plot Points, where Soap Opera Priest is mystified that they have a full house an hour before Mass starts.  I’m betting it has something to do with the Church’s new program where if you take Holy Communion 10 times, you get a coupon good for one dollar off a breakfast burrito, and once again I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Older Priest explains about Space Alien Bait getting roughed up, and that everyone has come down to pray for her speedy recovery.  Seeing as Soap Opera Priest is involved in a secret war with the Vs he’s not too jazzed about this news.  Older Priest says all of their congregation loves the Vs, and maybe Soap Opera Priest should learn to do that too.  Soap Opera Priest makes a face like he just got nut punched, and we cut to another scene before we can get one of those breakfast burritos.

We go back to FBI Mom and Space Alien Bait, and Dentheada rolls into the room with some valuable exposition.  Dentheada has matched up those sketches they got from Space Alien Bait, and it just so happens one of them matches a picture of our old buddy Hobbs.  FBI Mom can kind of smell shenanigans here, but she shows the photos to Space Alien Bait ands asks if these were the men who attacked her.  Space Alien Bait gives her a very definite yeppers, because when your mommy has people twist your legs like salt water taffy, you try not to disappoint her.

Speak of the devil, Space Alien Bait makes an explosive diarrhea face, and when FBI Mom turns around she’s looking Anna right in the eye.  FBI Mom makes her own I-just-pooped-myself face, because she is realizing her son has been playing seven minutes in heaven with the daughter of the lizard queen.

Anna rolls into the room and totally hams it up with a whole who would hurt my poor little baby routine.  She gives Space Alien Bait a super big hug, and makes another evil face that only we in the audience can see.

When we come back from the opening credits Anna is with FBI Mom and is laying on her why would the Fifth Column ever want to hurt us story so thick she needs a trowel.  FBI Mom knows this is complete balloon juice, so even though she is saying all the correct words back to Anna, IE do whatever it takes to catch who did this, she is shooting Anna looks that say bitch pluuuuze.

Of course I believe you’re a good mother.  By the way, I love that haircut on you too.

We cut over to Hobbs’s basement, where Morris Chestnut and Soap Opera Priest have shown up to find out why the Vs framed Hobbs again.  Hobbs says he doesn’t have a clue, but he points out that this guy they say he roughed up Space Alien Bait with, is actually a guy he was hired to kill about a month before he got framed the first time.

Aside from Soap Opera Priest making the obligatory poop face, we don’t really get any more info on this new development, because we cut over to the FBI where FBI Mom is briefing everyone on the suspects in the Space Alien Bait beating.  Well, we already know all about Hobbs, but we get to see a picture of a guy who looks like a Dateline Predator.  It turns out that Dateline Predator is a weapons designer who disappeared about four weeks ago, which we know is right about the same time Hobbs got hired to kill him.

These are what your grad photos will look like if you go with the basic package

Not that FBI Boss cares, he’s all pumped up to catch Hobbs, because he thinks this is all part of a bigger plan.  FBI Mom thinks this isn’t their best course of action.  She says they should try to catch Dateline Predator, because he’s a civilian, so he’ll be easier to catch.  Then once they have Dateline Predator, he’ll lead them to Hobbs.

FBI Boss doesn’t think this isn’t a very good plan, but he goes along with it anyway, because well, he’s put FBI Mom in charge of the FBI’s most important task force even though she’s been sucking at her job all season long.  What a maroon.  You know, I’ve decided it’s a good thing the FBI has direct deposit, or this joker would be trading his paychecks for magic beans every two weeks.

Do I have two twenties for a five?  Sure, let me get my wallet

The meeting breaks up, which is good, because High School Musical Kid shows up, and is all in a tizzy about Space Alien Bait.  Even though FBI Mom isn’t too happy he never mentioned that the love of his life was a V, FBI Mom carts HSMK down to the V healing center.

Once High School Musical Kid hooks up with Space Alien Bait we get a gag inducing helping of I wuv you, no I wuuv you!  God, it’s like watching paint dry, but mainly because while being in love is amazingly cool if you’re one of the people doing it; it’s boring as hell if you’re watching other people do it on TV.  It’s a lot like soccer, only without the aerobic workout benefits.

Removes hair without unsightly razor stubble.  Are you paying attention Mo’Nique?

Anyway this scene isn’t a total waste of time, because Rocco DiSpaceLizard has come down to wave his magic black light over Space Alien Bait’s legs, so he and FBI Mom can get a little face to face time.  The writers have given RDSL mounds and mounds of exposition to pass on to us, and he starts chattering away right from the get go.  He tells FBI Mom that Anna is the one who broke Space Alien Bait’s legs (and right here is where FBI Mom makes her third poop face of the night).  Rocco DiSpaceLizard doesn’t know why Anna had Space Alien Bait roughed up, but he tells FBI Mom that the two men Anna framed will have the answers she is looking for.  He also tells FBI Mom that Space Alien Bait really loves High School Musical Kid, and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him.  This makes FBI Mom feel a little better, at least until Anna comes wandering back into the scene.

Anna slaps some shoes on Space Alien Bait and carts her outside to make an announcement to a bunch of extras.  Bailey 2.0 is hopping up and down like he needs to take a leak, to get Anna’s attention, but she totally blows him off.  Anna then proceeds to tell the world that the Vs just wanted to hang out with the people of Earth, but these Fifth Column hooligans have hurt her little baby, so the Vs are going to pack up their high tech space marbles and go.  The extras all do the harump harump scene from Blazing Saddles, and Anna walks Space Alien Bait back into the V Peace Center while she makes yet another evil grin.

We cut over to Team Good Guys where the gang has decided that Anna is full of beans on this whole leaving thing.  FBI Mom tells the rest of the gang what Rocco DiSpaceLizard said, and thinks their best bet is to find Dateline Predator.  Hobbs has a better idea, see if High School Musical Kid knows anything about Anna.  Even Morris Chestnut thinks this is a good idea, but FBI Mom isn’t going to risk her baby getting hurt.  Also, the kid is dumb as a bag of hammers, and doesn’t know anything.  FBI Mom tells everyone to get in touch with their contacts so they can solve this mystery.

Also Clue Dispenser Lady doesn’t just spit out facts that she couldn’t possibly know to advance the plot, she gets us a little info from Hobbs too.  We find out that Hobbs is tired of getting framed every three episodes, so he’s going to track down Dateline Predator, and find out why the Vs are chasing him.  So even though this scene is completely ridiculous, it does keep the plot moving nicely, which is a refreshing change of pace.

So Hobbs is going out to get his spy on.  The only problem is that he is like the most wanted guy in Toronto, sorry I mean New York, so he is going to have to pull out one of his can’t miss disguises.  We all remember when Hobbs went undercover at the FBI and wore his trusty pair of fake glasses.  Well, he needs something even better now, and he doesn’t disappoint.  He puts on a pair of sunglasses.

Quite possibly the worst disguise in the history of mankind

Now you might think that is the stupidest disguise ever, but Dateline Predator is taking stupid to a whole other level, because his disguise is a hat.

I was wrong

Anyway, Hobbs is staking out Dateline Predator’s apartment, and sees that Dateline Predator is heading out to stock up on wine coolers for his later meeting with Chris Hansen (oh boy!), and he ducks in to search the guy’s sad little studio apartment.

Jackpot!  Hobbs finds the guy’s laptop and steals the hard drive.  Congratulations Hobbsie, you are now the proud owner of 40 gigs of hentai porn.  You’ll never look at tentacles the same way ever again.

Then things start to get confusing, because Hobbs calls up FBI Mom and tells her he found Dateline Predator, and the rest of the team needs to come over so they can swoop the guy up.  The hard drive doesn’t enter in the conversation, and we start to get the feeling that Hobbs isn’t really on Team Good Guys; he’s on Team Hobbs.

We go up to the V mothership where Bailey 2.0 is freaking out because nobody is talking to him.  Well Creepy Gopher Guy is talking to him, but only to tell him he’s a tiny losah, who just reads the news, and couldn’t possibly gets gobs and gobs of people to get their governments to do whatever the Vs wanted.  Also he got hooked on the dope and broke Jennifer Love Hewitt’s heart.  Do you know she never recovered, and she sees dead people now?  How do you sleep at night Bailey?

Okay, Creepy Gopher Guy doesn’t say any of that last part. That was all me, but damit, it needs to be said.

Anyway, after making Bailey 2.0 feel like a jockey sized pile of poop, Creepy Gopher Guy goes and has a little powwow with Anna where we find out Anna isn’t talking to Bailey 2.0 to work him up into a miniscule frenzy so he’ll get all his viewers to tell the politicians to do whatever it takes to get the Vs to stay.

And her plan works like a charm.  Bailey 2.0 starts babbling on TV about how the Vs saved his life and how if you want to live in a world with magic marbles in it, you need to start pestering your congressman right now.  Wow, Anna is notso hotso at blinking, but she knows how to motivate tiny anchormen like a pro.

Look at his feet, I told you he was tiny

We cut from that to Morris Chestnut and Soap Opera Priest sitting in a car in front of Dateline Predator’s apartment.  Morris Chestnut has a serious case of the mopes and Soap Opera Priest wants to know what has our favorite space lizard so down.

Morris Chestnut explains that he really, really, really misses Oblivia, and doesn’t know if he will be able to fight off Anna’s bliss without her around.  Soap Opera Priest takes this opportunity to turn the discussion into a God talk by telling Morris Chestnut that it all comes down to faith.  Too bad for Soap Opera Priest, because FBI Mom shows up before he can tell Morris Chestnut about his breakfast burrito scheme.

Things immediately get extra exciting, because Dateline Predator wanders into the scene and FBI Mom heads over to confront the guy.  Dateline Predator explains that he is a totally innocent weapons researcher who was working on a compound that might be super poisonous to lizards, and he totally knew that Jailbait_2037 was Chris Hansen.  Oh, he also mentions that somebody just stole his hard drive with all his porn, sorry, research on it, and he needs to find a new place to hide.

FBI Mom tells him not to worry, because she is going to make sure the bad guys don’t get him.  This is right when the building gets surrounded by the rest of the FBI.

This is right when the G-Men kick in Dateline Predator’s door, they find FBI Mom handcuffing Dateline Predator.  FBI Boss wants to know how FBI Mom got to Dateline Predator first.  FBI Mom tells her boss that she must have gotten the same tip as them and just got there first.  Dentheada makes an awesome oh-bullshit face, but can’t call FBI Mom on it, because it would probably bring up her being a space lizard.  Anyway, the FBI carts Dateline Predator off to jail, and we cut to commercials.

When we come back from finding out that people just naturally beat on each other when they see Volkswagens, we find out that the President has caved into the Vs on hunting the Fifth Column, and they are going to stay after all.  Yay, we still have a show!

FBI Mom goes into her office and gets on the phone with the rest of Team Good Guys and tells them she’s found out that Anna already has the rest of the guys who were working with him on his Mighty Poison the Vs compound, and they super duper need to stop the Vs from getting their scaly mitts on Dateline Predator.  Not to worry though because she has a can’t miss plan.

Anna shows up with Space Alien Bait, and FBI Mom gets SAB alone, and tells her that she would really be doing humanity a solid if she wasn’t able to make an ID on Dateline Predator.  They then go in to do the lineup, and Space Alien Bait promptly picks Dateline Predator as one of the guys who yanked her legs out of her sockets.  Okay, maybe that plan wasn’t as can’t miss as FBI Mom and I thought.

Am I the only one here who would pick this guy out of a lineup just on general principle?

We then cut to a super fast scene where Hobbs is talking to someone on the phone and tells them he has Dateline Predator’s research and knows why they were looking for it.

We don’t dwell on that, because we cut over to the V mothership, where Bailey 2.0 is having a little snit with Anna because she jerked him around to get him to rile up the American people.  Anna comes down with a severe case of the whogivesashits when Bailey 2.0 tells her he’s pissed.

Anna changes the subject, and tells Bailey 2.0 she wants him to tell her who his source was on the shuttle attack.  Bailey 2.0 tells her that would violate his journalistic ethics, and Anna points out he already junked them once today, so it shouldn’t be a problem now.  You see Bailey?  Screw over Jennifer Love Hewitt, and people never forget.

We cut back to Hobbs, and he’s no longer doing shifty stuff, he’s just hanging out with Morris Chestnut.  Morris Chestnut is still sad, so Hobbs decides to give him some friendly advice.  He tells Moe C that he’s a slider and he can keep moping around for Oblivia.  Instead, Morris Chestnut needs to burn out any sweet memory of her and harden his heart until it’s like chromium steel.  Okay, not the friendliest advice in the world, but the Hobbs is a British mercenary with an Australian accent.  I say we give him a teensy break, just for trying to make nice.

We cut over to the V mothership, where Anna is hanging out in her hot tub of love with all her beanbag chair sized solder baby eggs when Space Alien Bait stops by for a little mommy daughter chat.  Anna is in a very good mood because Space Alien Bait did an excellent job framing Hobbs and Dateline Predator for her attackers.  This is good news for Space Alien Bait, because it’s just like the old saying; “if space lizard momma ain’t happy, some family member will get their legs ripped from their body.”  Hey, don’t look at me that way, just because I just made it up, doesn’t mean it isn’t an old saying.

Anna tells Space Alien Bait that they need to take extra good care of High School Musical Kid, because his mommy is going to help them catch all those Fifth Columnists.  Space Alien Bait is all like um sure, I’ll just pretend to love High School Musical Kid, because I don’t have any of those emotions that could get me disintegrated.

By the way, this scene is extra special awesome because the sound track is full of burps, and gurgling, and glug, glug’ glug type noises.  It what our table will sound like when I go out to dinner with Flipit and J-Mo 15 minutes before closing time when we finally make the scene at the Golden Coral.  Mmmmm, food just tastes better when it sits out all night on a steam table.  Wait, what was I talking about?  Was it popcorn shrimp?  The TV show?  Well, if you say so.

Anyway, Space Alien Bait heads down to have a little chat with Rocco DiSpaceLizard.  Space Alien Bait wants to know if her mommy is going to use her solders to hunt down the Fifth Column.  Rocco says yep, and then he and Space Alien Bait make super concerned faces.  Well that, or they just got back from a two hour lunch at the Coral and they have gas that could kill a camel.  Either way, everybody stops talking, and this scene is over

We cut over to FBI Mom’s house where she is just rolling through the door as High School Musical Kid is watching the news about Dateline Predator getting picked up.  HSMK tells his mom that she’s a hero, and FBI Mom tells him that she was wrong about the Vs and really wants to get to know Space Alien Bait and Anna.

Sounds like FBI Mom is going to use her meathead of a son to dig up some dirt on the Vs after all, but who cares?  This means we can probably expect to see the most awkward meet the parents’ dinner ever next week, so yay!

We go back to the V mothership where Creepy Gopher Guy stops by to tell Anna that the humans are bound to pick up that V invasion fleet on their radar pretty soon.  Oh, and all the Vs on the other V ships are super duper scared of the Fifth Column.  Jesus, what a Debbie Downer.

Anna isn’t worried.  She tells Creepy Gopher Guy that their software will make sure our radar doesn’t pick up their invasion fleet, and as for all the space lizards being scared, she thinks they just need a little dose of her bliss.

We cut to Anna sitting buck naked in a puddle of super shiny water, while she sends psychic messages out to all her minions.  All the Vs stand around looking like a dog getting scratched behind its ears while somebody shines a flashlight in their faces.  Well except for Space Alien Bait and Rocco DiSpaceLizard, because they can now experience human emotion.  Or maybe because they still have wicked gas from cheap all you can eat buffet food.

Did you have the Fiesta Surprise too, because I’m frigging dying over here

The really interesting thing about this scene is eventually we see Morris Chestnut who is still really missing his sweet baboo.  Anna is sending out her psychic messages and Morris Chestnut almost lets her into his noodle, but at the last second is able to resist it, and goes back to being really, really sad.  And while that is happening, the camera pans down, and we see Morris Chestnut just got a message from Renegade V Doc telling him Oblivia’s water just broke.

Now I’m sure we have all sorts of questions after that last scene, and if we don’t, we’re just going to be polite, and act like we do, but we cut over to some industrial place late at night.  An SUV pulls up and we find out it’s being driven by Creepy Gopher Guy.  Somebody steps out of the shadows and oh snap, it’s Hobbs.  We find out Hobbs wants to trade Dateline Predator’s research to the Vs for a clean slate, and gobs and gobs of money.  Creepy Gopher Guy looks like somebody is yanking his pubes by the time he drives away at the end of the scene,  and Hobbs looks almost as evil as Anna.  The End.

Wow, a pretty good episode this week.  Okay, for this show an excellent episode for V.  Action moved quickly from scene to scene and no secret meetings in hallways.  Anyway, one more to go and we can call this season a wrap.

Thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.