V: Blue Lethargy

Oh Gasmii, so much happened on V this week, I hardly know where to begin. Bailey 2.0 let us know he’s not as vanilla as we might have thought (fun fact, I bleached my eyeballs after this episode). FBI Mom doesn’t understand the protocol of donuts. Team Good Guy spends half the episode looking for some guy in a bit part, and promptly gets him killed. Oh and Anna wants to give the people of Earth Blue Energy.

Oh,and a bunch of other stuff happens too, so make the jump and get to the good stuff.Our episode starts in Switzerland. Not really, but that’s what the title card says, and the producers found some lovely stock footage, so we go with it.

Bailey 2.0 comes out of the can wearing a towel looped around his waist pulling the full Hasselhoff from Season 1 of Baywatch, with his little tum-tum all sucked in. Oh man, Bailey from Party of Five is old enough to have a little pot belly? Man, I was out of college when that show started, and I just realized that was ages ago. Thanks producers of V; there is nothing like making me feel old in the first five seconds of the episode to earn you extra recapping love. If I lived in LA I’d be slashing tires on ABC executives’ cars as we speak.

Anyway, Bailey is starting his day, and thank god he isn’t checking to see how much hair is growing out of his ears, but all this comes to a screaming halt when Anna shows up. Bailey 2.0 to know how Anna got in his room, but she has other things to talk about, like what a big dealio Bailey 2.0 is now that he’s hooked up with her. Then Anna says she needs to be able to know that she can really trust our little pudgy wudgy, and promptly puts a lip lock on him. Yeah, apparently in the V culture the best way to judge another person’s character is to lick their tonsils; eh, I guess it makes job interviews more interesting.

Bailey 2.0 doesn’t have a problem with this trust building exercise, (yeah I know, huge shocker, huh?) but when Anna starts to choke him he gets a little concerned. When his eyes start to bulge out off his head, he gets super extra concerned. Then out of the blue, the alarm starts ringing on his phone, which is kind of dumb, unless it was a reminder that he desperately needed to start doing situps this morning, and then…

…We cut to him walking up in bed. Whoo, it was only a dream, and what did we learn with our little peek into Bailey 2.0′s subconscious? That he has a pretty serious choking fetish. Am I the only one who feels dirty now? Okay, well after the recap we’ll all take steaming hot showers and cry for an hour. Hey, it worked every time I watched The Marriage Ref, why won’t it work here? Now let’s never speak of this again.

We cut over to Casa de FBI Mom who has bought bagels to make up for High School Musical Kid being daddyless. Good idea there FBI Mom, because nothing says I’m sorry like boiled bread. Jesus lady, donuts! Doooo-nuts! There is no better way to say you’re sorry about a deep dark secret, then with a dozen deep fried circles of love. Personally, if my mom brought me a dozen glazed old fashioneds and told me she was the gunman on the grassy knoll, I’d tell her she was a hell of a shot, and offer to drive her to art class for a week.

High School Musical Kid is totally underwhelmed by this even though FBI Mom totally sliced his and spread cream cheese on it and everything. God, that is so lame. Why didn’t she just Nair his eyebrows while he was sleeping? It would show the same amount of affection and thoughtfulness.

Anyway, High School Musical Kid gets all huffy about getting lied to although technically unless he specifically asked if he and his supposed dad shared the same blood type he wasn’t lied to. He was just treated like a moron, and seeing as he insists on wearing a blue polyester jacket wherever he goes, can we really blame FBI Mom here?

Oh and seeing as how he has such a good little huff going, he asks FBI Mom if she is keeping any other secrets from him. What, you mean like the fact the V’s are evil space lizards here to conquer the world? And that she and her ace guerilla team of a good guy space lizard, a priest, and an English mercenary who has what sounds suspiciously like an Australian accent, are out to stop them by blowing up the world’s supply of flu vaccine? Because FBI Mom would kill to drop those little tidbits into the conversation, but seeing as HSMK is wearing his Peace Ambassador jacket with the camera patch that the dang old V’s can use to spy on our heroes, FBI Mom has to tell an actual fib here, and say no.

High School Musical Kid is still pissed and announces that he is going to live with the Vs where nobody lies to him, and exits stage left. FBI Mom makes her super sad face, but I’m having a hard time working up any sympathy. If that kid had come downstairs to a plate of jelly donuts, he’d still be bunking with the warm blooded.

Over at Morris Chestnut’s place things aren’t going much better. He’s been spending all his time since last episode trying to track down not so Oblivia anymore, but has had zero luck so far. Whoa, take that back, because Oblivia calls up Moe to say hi. Oh and to bitch him out for totally being a Liar McLiarface, and having a safe full of fake passports and ultrasounds of other women’s babies.

Oh that’s right, Oblivia doesn’t think that ultrasound can be for her little baby bunting, because it’s too darn big. Yep, the fact that the thing has a Godzilla tail never enters the conversation, just that the baby isn’t petite enough to fit inside Oblivia. Oh man, all those times Morris Chestnut lied when she asked if she looked fat in her favorite jeans are coming home to roost at the worst possible time.

Morris Chestnut tries to tell her he can explain everything to her, but they need to speak face to face. Oblivia tells him tough noogies, he had his chance and hangs up. Well that could have gone better.

Not that we get any time to dwell on that bit of bad news, because Renegade V Doc shows up to tell to Morris Chestnut a lot of pretty obvious stuff about if a human doctor sees those ultrasounds the space lizard will definitely be out of the bag, but also to drop this little ominous bit of exposition into the conversation. Morris Chestnut needs to find Oblivia before “it” happens. Now Renegade V Doc doesn’t get into the specifics of “it”, but judging by the super serious no pooping face she makes when she mentions it, I think we can rule out “it” as being the baby shower.

Seeing as she has managed to completely trash her home life, FBI Mom actually makes it in to work on time this morning, and they’ve got three dead bodies for her to look at out in this place in Queens. Oh, because no crime on TV is random, these three dead bodies just happen to members of the Fifth Column. This freaks FBI Mom out, because it looks like these guys got all worked up by that “John May Lives” picture that Team Good Guys ran during Anna’s TV message and promptly got croaked by what looks to FBI Mom like V badassed assassins.

The interesting thing, at least as far as the plot is concerned is that there were four members of the Fifth Column cell, and one of them just happened to get away. Not only that, but the FBI knows the name of that guy, and not only has his home address, but also his picture.

Naturally, FBI Mom gets put in charge of tracking this guy down, because she was in charge of finding Denthead, and couldn’t find him, and then she was supposed to find Hobbs the mercenary and couldn’t find him either. The third time has to be a charm, right?

There is then a quick scene in Switzerland where Creepy Gopher Guy tells Anna they are opening up the whoop ass can on those pesky Fifth Column types and then she has a quick talk with Bailey 2.0 about how she is in the land of Cuckoo clocks to make an appearance at some big time diplomatic conference, and that Anna has a super duper extra special surprise.

You know what would be a surprise? A new suit for Creepy Gopher Guy, he’s been wearing the same suit since the premiere. Do lizards sweat? Because if they do, then that boy has got to be able to make your eyes water like an onion right about now.

We cut from that pretty much worthless scene, back to Our Lady of Plot Points, where the gang, minus Georgie is all set to have yet another meeting. FBI Mom runs into Morris Chestnut out in the hall and tries to get a little woe is me going what with High School Musical Kid leaving her to live with the space lizards. Too bad for FBI Mom, it’s not going to be all about her this morning, because Morris Chestnut lets her in on the fact that not only has his sweet baboo left him, but she’s got an intergalactic bun in the oven.

We cut to everyone in the same room and Hobbs gets off the line of the night. “Your girlfriend’s got a baby lizard in her terrarium?” Okay, I thought it was funny. Morris Chestnut doesn’t share my opinion and grabs Hobbs by the throat.

Eventually everyone settles down, so FBI Mom can tell them about the missing guy they need to find, and that they need to stop the V who is killing the Fifth Column members, but mainly they need to find the missing guy. Luckily for the plot, FBI Mom knows that the missing guy’s dad just happens to be in a VA hospital dying of cancer.

Man that is perfect. Well, not for the guy dying of cancer, but people dying tend to get a little chatty around priests, so it gives Soap Opera something to do this episode besides talk into a glowing marble.

Morris Chesnut makes his apologies, but he won’t be on the missing guy hunt, because he will be searching for his missing baby lizard momma. Everyone thinks this is a good plan, and seeing as tonight’s plot has just been spoon fed to us in the audience, everyone exits stage right and stage left.

We head over to the V mothership, where Space Alien Bait is using some high tech V thingee to watch video of High School Musical Kid picking a flower for her and is looking a little giggly. That is until Rocco DiSpaceLizard shows up. Do you remember that test they were doing a while back where everyone had to watch a weird little movie with quarters on their head to make sure they weren’t getting too emotional? Yeah, well the writers need it to advance the plot again, so it’s back.

It turns out Space Alien Bait is the only lizard on the ship who hasn’t taken the test yet, and she just made a face like she needs to fart but company is in the room, so this should be really interesting.

Rocco DiSpaceLizard gives Space Alien Bait the test, and sure enough, she bones it something fierce. RDSL tells her she just went to flunksville, and Space Alien Bait tells him the test must be screwed up, and she’s been trying to get High School Musical Kid to fall in love with her, and she has ADD. Okay she doesn’t say that last part, but it would go a long way towards explaining why this scene took 47 takes.

Rocco DiSpaceLizard tells Space Alien Bait that her mom told him to eliminate anyone who flunks the test, and then he walks away. I don’t know why, maybe it’s time for his break? Anyway, we finally get to the opening credits.

When we come back, we’re in Switzerland again, and Anna is all set to make a big splash at this UN conference. The only thing is the Secretary General of the UN shows up and tells Anna that while she is more then welcome to hang out and donate to UNICEF all she wants, she won’t be allowed to address the conference because she isn’t a member. Oh snap, denied! Anna is totally being screwed over by the man, which I think is okay in this instance because the man is African. Judges can I get a ruling? Not on my f@#*ing life? Thank you judges, and back to the recap.

Anna isn’t too happy to hear this, because she is all set to present Blue Energy as a gift to mankind, but the Secretary General has decided to introduce her to the concept of not giving a poop, and exits stage right.

Meanwhile Soap Opera Priest has headed down to the VA hospital to talk to the old guy dieing of cancer to find out where his missing son is. The only problem is that the guy doesn’t seem to trust Soap Opera Priest. Yeah, I know, in this day and age, who have thunk it?

Not to worry though, because Soap Opera Priest was an Army chaplain in Iraq and literally jingles his dog tags in the old man’s face, and then he asks if the guy doesn’t have any family that might be hiding from space aliens that Soap Opera Priest can call? The old guy grabs Soap Opera Priest and checks out his noggin. Luckily Soap Opera Priest has that scar he got from when they did a skull inspection back in episode 1, so the old guy knows he’s on the up and up. After that, all it takes is Soap Opera Priest being painfully earnest about wanting to help the old guy’s son, and our heroes now have their next clue of the night.

All of Team Good Guys, minus Morris Chestnut, heads out to where the missing Fifth Column guy is hiding out, the roof of his father’s apartment building, to rescue the guy. Well this should be easy. Only it isn’t.

It turns out the guy is a little antsy and he has a gun (yay, 2nd Amendment!), so he’s shooting at everything that moves. Luckily he can’t hit crap. I blame our once proud schools for this, and that freaking Battleship movie that is supposed to be coming out this summer, but this has nothing to do with the show.

Finally FBI Mom makes a little heartfelt speech about how they are all just normal people and the V’s are big meanies that need to be stopped. It must do the trick, because the guy stops shooting, well that or he’s out of bullets. Oh and if it’s the second reason, then I blame our once proud schools for that too.

Back in Switzerland things aren’t going too good for Anna. It turns out that the Secretary General won’t let Anna flap her gums, because he thinks all of the V’s gifts so far have cost humans jobs, and he just doesn’t trust her.

Not that that matters, because a cool thing happens to Anna. This fictional island gets flooded by monsoons in the South Pacific. Anna thinks this is super awesome, because by the time the UN gets done making speeches and figuring out what kinds of Chinese food they want for lunch, she will have already helped everyone on the island get back on their feet by using this Blue Energy that Anna keeps yapping about. And of course, once everyone sees how nice and helpful the Vs have been, they’ll just have to let Anna talk at the conference.

You see? Nice things happen to nice people, and sometimes terrible made up natural disasters happen that further the goals of evil space lizards queens. Man, if that last sentence was on a poster with a picture of a kitten on it, I could make serious bank.

Back at the mothership, Space Alien Bait is sweating out this whole “being eliminated thing” when she sees that High School Musical Kid has decided to let her know that he’s moving in. Space Alien Bait tries to let HSMK know that this is a bad time for this, but he starts in with his “I got no daddy and I got lied to, boo-hoo-hoo” bit and she ends up feeling sorry for him. She does? You know, I’m starting to think she doesn’t have ADD after all.

Anyway, Space Alien Bait and High School Musical Kid decide to get away from it all and go for a ride in one of the shuttles up in outer space. That’s right, her mom goes out of town and Space Alien Bait immediately starts joyriding with her boyfriend. I blame that on our once proud schools too. What’s that? Space Alien Bait didn’t go to our schools? Well I blame it on the V’s once proud schools. Oh and texting. I’m pretty sure that is bad too, and once I figure out how to do it, I’ll know why. Anyway, things are going to heck in a hand basket up on the mothership.

Over at Team Good Guys, Morris Chestnut calls in and tells FBI Mom that he still can’t find his knocked up sweet baboo, and asks if FBI Mom can put a trace on Oblivia’s cell phone. This is really illegal, and FBI Mom would never do something like this. Unless it just might advance the plot in the next 20 minutes, so she says yes, and Morris Chestnut can go back to his trailer.

The guys have a little chat with the guy they rescued and find out that the Vs have hacked the code the Fifth Column uses to talk amongst itself, and are picking them off one by one. It gets worse, because when the V assassin killed all the other Fifth Column guys, he also took a computer hard drive that has the name of other Fifth Columnists, and if the good guys don’t stop this Badde McBadde, even more Fifth Columnists will get deaded.

Hobbs has a plan. They use the guy they found as bait to draw out the V, and then they can capture the V and get some answers as to just what those nogoodniks are up to. Am I the only one who has noticed that for a master strategist, Hobb’s plans always seem to be guaranteed to get at least one person killed an episode? I’m starting to think somebody doesn’t like lines at the craft services table.

Soap Opera Priest doesn’t like this plan because he promised the guy’s dying dad that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him. So FBI Mom decides it’s up to the guy. He can help them, or not, but if he doesn’t the Vs will conquer the world. FBI Mom, may not be much of an FBI agent, and have no idea how paternity tests work, but she seems to have elevated guilt tips into a fine art.

Back on the mothership Rocco DiSpaceLizard is having a little walk and talk with his buddy the black suited security guy about Space Alien Bait. Black Suited Security Guy thinks they should let Anna kill Space Alien Bait, but Rocco DiSpaceLizard thinks Anna is turning human like they did and could be a good addition to Team Good Guys. Black Suited Security Guy points out that Space Alien Bait is Anna’s daughter, so they can never trust her, so they should kill her. Rocco DiSpaceLizard then makes a face that means he’s either really mulling over what to do, or that he has wicked indigestion.

Up on the space shuttle of irresponsibility High School Musical Kid makes his pitch to SAB about him living on the mothership. Seeing as Highschool Musical Kid makes Space Alien Bait’s tummy flip pancakes, and we all know how her mom feels about love (it gives her an uncontrollable desire to skin people), Space Alien Bait isn’t to sure this is such a good idea. Of course that is before High School Musical Kid tells her she’s just super neat-o and they start sucking face.

The next thing you know, they are pealing off those god awful Peace Ambassador jackets and getting all set to do the extraterrestrial mambo on that big jumbo humping couch that comes standard on all V space shuttles. I blamed the schools already right? Good, my here work is done, moving on.

Back at Team Good Guys, Morris Chestnut stops in just long enough to tell everyone that the V bad guy will try to kill…hmmm, somebody needs a nickname. Let’s call him Dead Man Walking. Anyway Moe says the V will try to get up close to and use a knife on Dead Man Walking.

Oh and Soap Opera Priest has a little talk with Dead Man Walking where DMW confesses he’s a little nervous. Soap Opera Priest tells him just to stick to the plan and everything will be fine. I think Dead Man Walking would feel better about this pep talk, if the show’s producer didn’t keep asking him between takes if they have to pay him for the whole day if his character gets killed before lunch.

We cut from that to one of Bailey 2.0′s handy dandy news stories where he crams exposition down our throats like we’re geese and he’s got a hankering for foie gras. It turns out the Vs totally saved that little fictional South Sea Island with their Blue Energy, and that V shuttles are landing emergency supplies as we speak. Well except for the one that Space Alien Bait and High School Musical Kid are using as their trans-orbital love shack, but that doesn’t make the story.

Anyway the Vs so kicked ass at this humanitarian thing, that the UN got guilted into letting Anna speak at their conference. Anna is super excited because she gets to show off the V’s wonder technology.

Anna takes the blue marble and puts it with the other marble and suddenly the room is filled with this CGI crackly lightening. Not to worry because it doesn’t hurt people, burns totally clean and makes zero pollution. All the UN types are super excited that the chandelier is on, but I’m pretty sure that is on the building’s power grid too.

Anna pulls the two marbles apart because even semi-crappy CGI lightening isn’t cheap, and tells everyone that Blue Energy is completely sustainable and needs no infrastructure, and the Vs want it to be our gift for letting them hang out with us for awhile.

Everyone thinks this is extra super special fantastic. Well not the Secretary General. He tells Bailey 2.0 that Anna is up to something, and then exits stage left. Bailey 2.0 watches Anna work the room like he’s pretty sure she is going to forget the safe word the next time she chokes him again.

Back at Team Good Guy everyone is going over their can’t miss capture the V plan again, because otherwise we’ll end up with a 38 minute hour of televison. Hobbs tells Dead Man Walking that the V will have to get up close to him, so they’ll all be watching him waiting to pounce. On and they are going to use an amusement park that is closed for the night, because when was the last time something bad happened in an abandoned amusement park? When Scooby Doo wasn’t around?

Morris Chestnut checks in, which is good because FBI Mom got trace on Oblivia’s cell phone and knows where she is at. Which is good. Of course Oblivia has gone to one of those V health centers, which is bad. Morris Chestnut exits stage right, and after everybody including Soap Opera Priest gets a gun (yay 2nd Amendment!) they exit too.

Oh did I say everyone got a gun? Well everyone except for Dead Man Walking, but seeing as he is the one the Vs are going to actually try to kill, why would he need one?

We cut back to the mothership, where Space Alien Bait and High School Musical Kid are showing up after putting a stain on the space shuttle couch that is never going to come out no matter how much club soda they use. Rocco DiSpaceLizard is waiting for them, and tells SAB that Anna should be arriving any minute and says she wants to talk with her.

Space Alien Bait poops a brick and tells High School Musical Kid he needs to leave. HSMK is all like, okay, see you tomorrow babe? God, if he and Space Alien Bait reproduce they are going to make the galaxy’s dumbest space lizard.

High School Musical Kid wanders off to find shiny objects to look at, and Space Alien Bait gets her poop together and tells Rocco DiSpaceLizard to let her know when her mom shows up.

We cut back down to groundside, where the gang has arrived at the amusement park. They put Dead Man Walking in a nice open spot where they can all keep an eye on him, because Morris Chestnut told them the Vs only use knifes, so the humans won’t know what they are up to. All the main characters settle into hiding waiting for the dirty V to show up, and…blam-o!

Somebody shoots Dead Man Walking. With a gun, a boring old human gun. I know, crazy huh?

Things start happening fast. Soap Opera Priest gets to Dead Man Walking and tells him everything is going to be just hunky freaking dory, right before DMW drops dead. Hobbs spots that the guy who shot Dead Man Walking and tells FBI Mom to go get him. FBI Mom catches up with the dirty V, and promptly loses her gun and is about to get killed, when, wait for it, blam-o! Soap Opera Priest shoots the V assassin in the arm.

Everyone is super bummed that Dead Man Walking is now Dead Man Flat On The Ground, and they decide to take their V prisoner back to where ever they are going to go and get some answers.

Oh Snapple! The only thing is, it turns out the dirty V isn’t a V, he’s a human. Everyone poops a brick about this plot twist, but they still take him back to get those much needed answers.

We cut back to the mothership, where Anna and Space Alien Bait are going to have a little mommy daughter chat. They are doing it down by those hot tubs where Anna’s solider babies are percolating.

Anna tells Space Alien Bait a bunch of bullstuff about how Space Alien Bait can’t have any of those yucky human emotions because the survival of their race counts on them being hardcore bad asses. Then Anna and Space Alien Bait squish one of those solider eggs, so Space Alien Bait will have one less half-brothers to fight for bathroom time with.

Anna tells Space Alien Bait that Rocco DiSpaceLizard told her that she passed the empathy test. Anna then rewards Space Alien Bait with a creepy smile, and exits stage right.

Anna then has a little powwow with Bailey 2.0. B20 points out that Anna used that natural disaster to get what she wanted. Anna says she just wants to help people, and Bailey 2.0 says he believes her. Then again, Bailey 2.0 has been waiting for the height fairy to come for going on 20 years, so lets not get too worked up here.

Bailey 2.0 tells Anna he thinks the Vs are here to stay, and if they are going to do super cool neat-o stuff for humanity, then he wants to be on Team Anna. He asks Anna if that is her plan.

Anna ignored B20′s question and asks Bailey 2.0 if she can trust him, which is just what she asked him in his dream at the beginning of the show. Bailey 2.0 literally stretches his neck out…what a whore.

Anyway, Anna doesn’t give him a chance to answer, and she exits stage left.

From there we do a quick cut to Space Alien Bait running into Rocco DiSpaceLizard and trying to thank him for disintegrating her. Rocco DiSpaceLizard is pretty cold blooded (hah, accidental pun!) about it, and tells Space Alien Bait that some day he’s going to ask her for a favor and she is going to have to say yes. Oh Rocco DiSpaceLizard, there is no way you can fit into her jacket.

We catch up with Obilivia at the V Healing Center, and the V doc is all set to take a peek at her little bundle of joy. Everything is going fine and dandy, right up until the V doc sees Obilivia’s bebe has a big honking lizard tail, then he starts making the same face your doctor’s receptionist makes when she notices your insurance card is expired.

The fine and dandy part of the examination is now officially over, and the V Doc wants Oblivia to just sit there and hang out while some other Vs come in to do unspeakable things to her. Too bad Oblivia’s spidey sense has finally kicked in, and she has decided that she has a pressing need to get the hell out of there. This leads to the V Doc grabbing Oblivia and picking up this little sharp gizmo so he can get an early jump on the unspeakable things part of the exam.

Luckily for the plot, this is right when Morris Chestnut shows up, and puts the big hurt on the goon trying to mess with his baby space lizard momma. Moe then takes one of those little wafer thingamajigs, and puts in the V Doc’s mouth, and poof! Instant CGI disintegration.

Morris Chestnut then seals the deal by holding his hand out to Oblivia and telling her “let’s go,” and “do you trust me?” Naturally Oblivia is all set to ride the Morris Chestnut train again, and it looks like Moe C got out of the lizard house without having to buy flowers. Well played Morris Chestnut, well played.

Finally we head back to Team Good Guys and everyone is totally broken up over losing Dead Man Walking for three, two, one, and we’re done! Anyway, it’s time to get down to torturing their human prisoner.

I don’t know, I guess 24 has spoiled me when it comes to torturing people and maybe I expect too much from my torturing scenes now. Then again, Hobb’s punches this guy in the arm twice and he starts squealing like Adam Lambert on a pride parade float.

Okay, the guy doesn’t really say anything except to answer FBI Mom’s question about why he’s working for the Vs. The looks into the camera, and says, “you can’t win.” The End.

Okay, I’ve got to admit this was not my favorite episode of the season. Lot’s of yapping, and not much action. This week’s episode is more the kind where I just revel in the dumbness, instead of getting some cool stuff to go with it. I’m blaming this on a lack of goodness, on the scarcity of Morris Chestnut in this episode. Okay, not really. The writing blew like a donkey in a Tijuana stage show. Still Moe is about the best thing on this show.

Am I the only one who cringes every time High School Musical Kid tries to emote? Does anyone out there have any ideas to make this guy bearable? Wait, this just in, “take away all his shirts and douse him in baby oil.” Thanks Flipit, an interesting idea, but that was also your plan to make Meet The Press better too; we’ll put it in the maybe pile.

Anyway my fellow V-heads, thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.