V: Want To Keep A Secret? Close The Door

Our episode starts with a note on the screen telling us it’s 10 years before the present. Well that would explain why the 2000 election is playing on the boob tube while we watch a guy tying flies.

There is a loud rumbling noise, and a little boy comes in the room to tell the guy he heard a loud noise and thought he saw a UFO…and that little boy grew up to be……Rosie O’Donnell. Whoa! When did I start channeling the spirit of Paul Harvey? Sorry about that.

Anyway, the guy tells the little boy who is definitely not going to grow up to be Rosie O’Donnell that there are no such things as UFOs and hustles the little nipper out of the scene. The guy then whips out a cordless phone that’s as big as a 57 Buick and tells somebody that “they’ve come for me, and I’m going dark.” The guy then grabs a gun and goes running through the woods in the middle of the night. What? No he’s not Ted Nugent. The Nuge would be naked. Let’s stay in the realm of common sense here, okay?

The guy who is not Ted Nugent is out running through the woods, and despite what he told Little Not Rosie O’Donnell about there being no UFOs, we see one of those V space shuttles uncloak and Not Ted Nugent keeps getting lit in scenes like there is a big humongous spotlight shining down on him from a UFO.

Not Ted Nugent takes a little pause to look wildly around, and that’s when some no good V assassin jumps him. Holy Crap, the no good V assassin just happens to be Morris Chestnut.

This is about where we figure out that Not Ted Nugent is the fabled John May, and that back in the day Moe was totally on board with Team Space Lizard. There is a lot of wrestling, and how could you betray our people for those filthy humans, and human emotions are the bestest, and after awhile it looks like Morris Chestnut is going to carve Not Ted Nugent up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

Well it looks like that is what is going to happen, right before Morris Chestnut just happens to step in a bear trap. Now this is where I became convinced that Morris Chestnut has space lizard balls of steel, because he keeps yelping at Not Ted Nugent about ditching his lizard buddies for human emotions. Look, all I know is, if my foot was caught in a bear trap, I would be pushing the boundaries of the concept of a crying little bitch to places no one could have ever imagined. That’s Reason number 314 why I’ll never be a character on a TV show I guess.

Not Ted Nugent gets his gun back and is all set to shoot Morris Chestnut (Yay, 2nd Amendment!) but then he doesn’t. Mainly he doesn’t do this because this isn’t Lost, so if you kill somebody 10 years ago, the writers can’t fob the whole thing off as a parallel universe. What happens on the screen is that Not Ted Nugent tells Morris Chestnut that he is going to give him a chance to experience being a human. Either way, Morris Chestnut gets out of the scene without getting his brains blown out.

Why start off the episode with this scene? Well it plays nicely, when we cut back to the present day where Morris Chestnut is explaining to Hobbs the mercenary, and all of us folks at home how John May founded the resistance, was the most super neat-o guy ever, and how he also invented President’s Day and the vibrating rabbit. By the way, some of the last parts of that last sentence weren’t in the show, but like I always say, made up facts are the most interesting ones.

Anyway, Morris Chestnut gets the conversation back to where it needs to be for the plot to make any progress this week, on coming up with a plan to get Georgie off of the V mothership. This isn’t going to be easy, because there is no way for the gang to get back up on the mothership.

Luckily for the plot, last week Rocco DiSpaceLizard mentioned that good old John May just happened to have a space radio dealee, and if the gang can find it, then they can get in touch with RDSL, and we can have a classic free Georgie moment.

Things get even better for our beleaguered plot, because that space radio dealee just happens to be in this town upstate. Oh, and it’s apparently double happiness coupon day on V, because Morris Chestnut says they will be able to check in with now grown up Not Rosie O’Donnell, who might be able to tell them exactly where this important plot device is located.

Whatevers, what it really means is road trip, and FBI Mom and Morris Chesnut can blow off their day jobs for the 233rd time in a row.

We cut over to the alien mothership, and find out just what nogoodniks those dirty V’s really are. A couple of them obviously broke into a mattress store and stole a display model for Anna to sleep on.

Anna wakes up feeling like poop because she’s packed full of space babies after eating that big muscle extra awhile back. She looks terrible too. She’s blotchy and has bags under her eyes that are almost as big as Space Alien Bait’s. Still the V’s being super advanced, all she has to do is close her eyes and take a deep breath and she looks a whole lot better.

Not that she doesn’t make an owie face when Creepy Gopher Guy comes in. Don’t you hate it when the boss goes milking for sympathy? I know I do, unless they are reading this, and then I care, deeply, with all my heart. I’ll be so happy when unemployment rates go down again.

Anyway Creepy Gopher Guy knows who is writing up his next performance review, and points out boss lady is majorly knocked up and should be back in her stolen bed.

Anna makes some crack about how she doesn’t have time to rest. She’s a strong single mom making her way in the galaxy as best she can. Dear Anna, you wouldn’t be a single mom if you didn’t immediately consume your baby daddy right after the completion of coitis, hey, just throwing it out there.

Man Creepy Gopher Guy is just full of bad news this morning. Georgie isn’t talking, and the people down on Earth think their might be an anti-V terrorist group, so they aren’t exactly lining up to join that V Live-on-our-spaceships-so-we-can-do-God-knows-what-to-you program.

Jesus man, she eats people. If you’re going to hit her with that much bad news first thing in the morning, at least bringing her a freaking bagel. (Remember Creepy Gopher Guy, she’s eating for a squidillion now)

Anna isn’t letting any of Creepy Gopher Guy’s sad horns get her down. She tells CGG to have their pain experts be more convincing with Georgie, and that she has a secret weapon to get people to believe her, Bailey 2.0. You know it’s refreshing to see that insanity isn’t limited to just human women during pregnancy.

We cut over to the land God forgot, Connecticut, where High School Musical Kid’s dad is waking up to start his first official day as a single dad. I mean how hard could it be, right? He and High school Musical Kid get along great, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

How about finding Space Alien Bait coming out of his son’s room? Just what every parent wants to see, hard fast proof that their underage child has a better sex life then they do.

Not to worry though, because High School Musical Kid wasn’t shacked up, he was downstairs making pancakes for everybody. When they come downstairs High School Musical Kid pretty much asks his dad if Space Alien Bait can move in with them.

Oh crap, dirty hippy alert! I say again, dirty hippy alert! That’s how it starts, one shows up, and then asks if you can be cool and let their friend crash for awhile. If High School Musical Kid’s dad isn’t careful his next roommate could end up being a ferret named Sugar Magnolia.

Actually we might have to downgrade that dirty hippy alert, because Space Alien Bait is seriously screwing with High School Musical Dad’s noggin by telling him how hard High School Musical Kid has had it since Dad let out for the most godforsaken place on the planet (translation, Connecticut). She also spends plenty of time looking completely evil when she doesn’t think anyone else is watching her; so in other words, she’s got middle management written all over her. Still, High school Musical Kid’s Dad is really starting to look like he could kick himself for not moving to Maine at this point in the show.

Meanwhile, back on the mothership, Anna is getting interviewed by Bailey 2.0. Anna wants everyone to know that that whole John May lives message that showed up on the I-phone picture part of the alien’s spaceships, was just a little computer glitch, and certainly not a call to arms for a bunch of renegade space aliens living amongst humanity. I mean what kind of hack writer would come up with some scheme like…you know what? Never mind.

Besides, what Anna is really excited about is her new Live Amongst Us program, where very lucky people will get to live with the V’s. At least until those dirty space lizards decide to do whatever unspeakable thing they obviously have planned for humanity. Anna invites Bailey 2.0 to come along and film her answering questions with lucky cattle, sorry, people. The last we hear of Anna in this scene she is going on about how humans on the spaceships will always be “treated utmost care and respect.”

This last bit is a pretty smooth segue into the next scene, where Georgie gets tortured. Creepy Gopher Guy comes in with the human pain expert from the Tokyo ship.

A Japanese looking lizard is the torture expert? Is it only a little racist because the torture expert is only supposed to look Japanese? Come on V writer’s think outside the box a little. Tell me this scene wouldn’t have been better with this bit of dialogue instead:

“Hi there, I’m Steve from the Toronto ship, how’s it going, eh? Listen, I am the human pain expert so you better start spilling your guts before I have to go Semenko on you. Trust me, it will be totally old time hockey, but enough aboot my qualifications, let’s do a little torturing before the Leaf’s game starts, okay eh?”

Okay, that’s a little silly, but not by any stretch of the imagination, racist. Also it would help draw in that diehard 80′s Oiler’s fanbase which is a very desired demographic, well pretty much just in Edmonton. Look, let’s just move on, eh? Sorry, once you start typing that it’s hard to stop.

Anyway the V’s give Georgie one last chance to talk before they unleash their only vaguely racist human pain expert on him. Of course all Georgie wants to talk about is his dead family, which the V’s like the rest of us are really tired of hearing about.

The human pain expert brings out his secret weapon, the scours. According to the human pain expert the scours are little bugs that travel along human nerve lines entering up around the face and exiting down around if not through the babymaker. Shoot, ouch. When we first see a scour it looks like a BB, but thanks to the wonders of CGI it does look like a wiggling little bug when the guy holds it up to Georgie’s face. They drop the CGI bug on Georgie’s face, and it gets under his skin, and we can safely say the torturing for tonight’s episode has officially kicked off.

After the opening credits, we cut back to V mothership where Creepy Gopher Guy is having a little pep talk with what he calls sleeper agents in key positions. Seeing as one of the guys is a forest ranger I wish we were getting a more in depth talk on just what constitutes a key position on Earth as far as the V’s are concerned.

That doesn’t really matter, because CGG has everybody in for this important staff meeting to tell the sleepers that since that John May message they can expect the renegade V’s to start getting a little uppity. Not to worry though, because Creepy Gopher Guy this thing that almost looks like a fancy egg timer, and tells his sleepers that if the poop hits the fan, to just hit their fancy egg timers and the cavalry will be arriving directly.

We cut from that back to Georgie who still has those little CGI bugs zipping around under his skin. Not that it matters. Georgie is a rock. Mums the freaking word with our boy Georgie. Georgie doesn’t even know the meaning of the word pain. The vaguely racist human pain expert shakes his little vial of CGI bugs at Georgie, and Georgie promptly says he will start naming names. [Long uncomfortable pause] Pussy.

We cut to upstate New York where our heroes have shown up looking for that Space phone that is going to solve all their problems. Sure, until you get your first statement and realize your cell phone bill is now the gross national product of Indonesia. Anyway, the guys are checking in with Not Rosie O’Donnell, because even though he’s all grown up, he might know where his step-dad stored all his old crap like those Boz Skaggs albums, that old racquetball racket, and any spacefaring technology the old man might have used to talk with his fellow space lizards. Don’t laugh, actually, for this show, that counts as a reasonable plan.

Too bad right as everyone is getting out of the car FBI Mom gets a call on her cellie. It’s double too bad for FBI Mom, because it’s High School Musical Kid’s dad.

Dad is a little pissed that Space Alien Bait showed up, and is now bunking down the hall from him, and he’s decided to let the former ball and chain know this wasn’t part of the deal. Oh, and he would really like to talk about that deep dark secret concerning High School Musical Kid, that they hinted about last week. He’s still yammering about how Tyler should know the truth.

FBI Mom would actually like to talk to HSMK’s Dad about this, but they are just about to introduce themselves to the Not the Rosie, so she has to say she is super duper busy at work, and will call him right back as soon as she can.

Fun fact the reason FBI Mom can’t tell her ex the truth in this case, is because she used going upstate with some friends to find a space phone to help save the world as her excuse to weasel out of High School Musical Kid’s sex talk when he was 12. High School Musical Kid’s dad got stuck with the job, and he got flustered in the middle of his talk and ended up telling a very painful metaphor about a special unicorn going into a magic forest that has had repercussions to this very day.

Right before she hangs up, High School Musical Kid’s Dad also mentions to FBI Mom that they really need to let High School Musical Kid know High School Musical Kid’s Dad isn’t his real dad. Oh Snapple, now there is a serious plot twist, huh? Good thing that the only people who know about it are us, FBI Mom, and Not High School Musical Kid’s Real Dad. Well, and Space Alien Bait.

What? How does she know this juicy tidbit? Well because apparently Not High School Musical Kid’s Real Dad grew up on a soap opera and decided to make a phone call, and spill his deepest darkest secret in a room where the door was wide open so the person who could most screw him over with this information would just happen to be able to overhear it. Anyway, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like Space Alien Bait is an evil space lizard bent on conquering the world…oh crap.

Back in upstate New York, FBI Mom decides this would be the perfect to do a little gut spilling to Soap Opera Priest. She gives him the 411 on the whole High School Musical Kid’s Dad not being his real dad situation. It turns out that HSMK was in a bad motorcycle crash and she and the Mr. went in to give blood for their sweet little bundle of joy, only Dad wasn’t able to because he wasn’t HSMK’s real dad.

FBI Mom’s explanation for this situation. Those tests aren’t 100% accurate. Just allow me to throw these two points out there. first, yes they are, and (D), yes they are. Anyway, FBI Mom says the important thing is that this stays a secret. Yeah sweetcakes, you just keep thinking happy thoughts on that one, mkay?

Hey, were almost halfway through the episode and still haven’t checked in on Oblivia yet, what’s say we do? Well the camera guy has already started shooting so let’s just humor him? Hey, if you keep making that face, everybody is going to know you watch V.

She is straightening up in the bedroom when she grabs her tum-tum. She tells us the baby is kicking and that isn’t normal. Neither is getting in to see an OBGYN two days after you take a home pregnancy test; face it Oblivia, your pregnancy is special.

Oblivia decides she wants to call that renegade V doc who gave her the fake ultrasound last week and goes looking in Morris Chestnut’s closet for the doctor’s business card. She doesn’t find the card, but she does find that Morris Chestnut has a secret door in his closet and behind that a super big ass safe.

Meanwhile back in upstate New York our heroes finally make it to Not Rosie O’Donnell’s front door and test out the doorbell. Not Rosie O’Donnell comes to the door and he isn’t too keen on letting the good guys in, but his girlfriend talks him into it. This would be pretty cool, if we hadn’t just seen her at Creepy Gopher Guy’s key sleeper agent meeting up on the mothership.

Morris Chestnut asks to talk with grown up Not Rosie O’Donnell in private and the sleeper agent says that is cool, she’ll just go put on a pot of coffee for everyone. Then, because everybody loves them so much, we get another flashback. Hey, what did I tell you about making that face?

We go back to a year after our first flashback of the night, and Morris Chestnut shows up again, only this time he invites himself in for dinner. Well why not? It’s roast beef. There’s a lot of talk about John May and his happy human family, and Morris Chestnut telling Not Ted Nugent that “the old gang” will be coming to see Johnny Boy later that night and they won’t take no for an answer. John May asks if he and Moe can meet them away from his house, so they won’t bother his family, and Morris Chestnut says that won’t be a problem.

We come back to the present and Morris Chestnut is talking with Not Rosie O’Donnell. It turns out Not Rosie O’Donnell is not a fan of his step-dad, because Not Ted Nugent committed suicide leaving Not Rosie O’Donnell and his mom all alone. Oh and he thinks our heroes are a bunch of complete nutters for having their little resistance against the V’s. Morris Chestnut, decides it’s time to drop this particular bombshell, that Not Ted Nugent didn’t commit suicide, the note was a fake.

We cut into the kitchen where Not Rosie ODonnell’s girlfriend is making small talk with FBI Mom and Hobbs the mercenary. Everything is pretty chummy until FBI Mom trips up the V sleeper agent on a very simple college football question. Anyway, things escalate, and the next thing you know the sleeper agent waving around the sharpest and nastiest nail job you ever saw as she tries to julienne FBI Mom’s face. Luckily for the plot, at the last second, Hobbs gets behind her and snaps her neck like a twig. Double luckily too that V necks are in the same places as human necks, so they don’t have to kill her twice.

Not Rosie O’Donnell comes in and first poops a brick because his girlfriend is dead, and then poops an even bigger brick when he sees the big green alien nails she is packing. Luckily, back in his bedroom Not Rosie O’Donnell mentioned that he put all of Not Ted Nugent’s stuff in storage, so the quest for the space phone can continue, which is good. Soap Opera Priest gets Not Rosie to tag along with them, which is also good. Oh and after everyone leaves we see that Not Rosie’s sleeper agent girlfriend put her magic egg timer under the kitchen counter where nobody could see it, and it is flashing like a motherhumper right now. Which just to clear it up for all of you keeping score at home, is not so good.

Over at the world’s biggest storage unit, the guys are going through Not Ted Nugent’s stuff and Not Rosie asks Morris Chestnut just how well he knew his step-dad. Morris Chestnut makes some noise about being super inspired by Not Ted Nugent. Hobbs the mercenary points out this isn’t really answering Not Rosie’s question, and people start snapping at each other and pretty soon it’s just as ugly as it gets when you run out of Popov’s vodka before pie at Thanksgiving. What? You say that isn’t a problem in your family? Umm, me neither?

Anyway tempers are flaring, but Soap Opera Priest and FBI Mom remind them they are doing this for a greater good, for the most beloved character on this show, Georgie. Throwing Georgie’s name out does the trick and everyone settles down and gets back to rummaging around through old boxes.

Finally, they find that super badass space phone, and it’s a big marble? Man, all I am going to say about this part is the prop man’s union must have mega clout.

Everyone is pretty excited, but as Harvey Keitel says in Pulp Fiction when you watch it on basic cable, “let’s not go sucking each other’s popsicles just yet.”

It turns out one of those alien thingees of doom that looks like a flying softball and shoots spikes at people just happens to be in the room with our heroes. Hobbs spots it first and he and FBI Mom whip out their guns, but they can’t get a clear shot on it. Finally FBI Mom sees it hovering over Not Rosie’s shoulder, and blamo, she shoots it.

Everyone is pretty concerned that the V’s were able to track them down, and Hobbs asks Not Rosie if his girlfriend gave him anything. Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got dibs on Chlamydia. Oh wait, she gave him a watch.

You know that makes more sense in this situation, but then again it doesn’t really explain that burning sensation Not Rosie has been feeling when urinating. Crap, I’m not talking about TV again, huh? My bad, moving on.

Hobbs knocks the face off of Not Rosie’s watch, and sure enough there is a V tracking device. Seeing as they have the big space marble, they leave the watch and head out to take Not Rosie to the free clinic.

We go back up to the V mothership, where Creepy Gopher Guy and the so called human pain expert are completely stumpered by Georgie not talking even when confronted with the best in inexpensive CGI torturing insects. Luckily Anna is on the case.

Anna explains that human emotions are bad and weak, and love super duper sucks, which is why they are going to use love against our Georgie. Instead of torturing Georgie, or screwing with his mind to make him think they are torturing him, Anna tells them to show Georgie the memories of the V’s who killed his family. Oh man, Georgie no likee.

Man when Anna goes evil she really can knock it out of the park. Imagine what she could do if she was sleeping on a decent mattress?

Back in the festering wasteland that is often referred to as the Nutmeg State, High School Musical Kid’s Dad is teaching the not fruit of his loins how to use a band saw, and the odds of High School Muscial Kid’s new nickname being “Stubby” skyrocket. High School Musical Kid cuts a big board into two little boards and his dad decides to celebrate by getting sodas for everyone. Good idea Dad, jittery hands make for a oh so more interesting workplace when power tools are involved.

High School Musical Dad isn’t off the front porch 10 seconds before Space Alien Bait rats him out to HSMK about not being his real daddy. Dad comes back with orange pop for everyone, and gets blindsided by this little plot twist, and because he has the worst poker face known to man, that deep dark secret gets immediately confirmed. High School Musical Kid decides to go confront his mom, so he and Space Alien Bait exit stage left. The only silver lining here is that Not High School Musical Kid’s Dad dirty hippy problem seems to have just solved itself.

We head over to Bailey 2.0 who is involved in some serious investigative reporting. Well not really, he’s watching TV on his computer and looking at it that way our family dog used to whenever a siren went off during Cops. Still, for a sci-fi action show we’ll pretend he’s pulling a serious Woodward and Bernstein and leave him to his professional TV watching.

We head up to the mothership where Rocco DiSpaceLizard is apparently just wandering the halls in that craptastic jacket they make him wear. Suddenly his Space marble starts flashing, and our heroes can fill him in on the Georgie situation. Rocco tells them he hasn’t heard anything about it, but he’ll check it out and get back to them, and then he exits stage left.

We go back down to our guys and Not Rosie O’Donnell asks Morris Chestnut about his step-dad. MC tries to play up what a great guy Not Ted Nugent was, but Not Rosie O’Donnell isn’t buying it. Morris Chestnut is forced to reveal more and more stuff about what happened to Not Ted Nugent that he really shouldn’t be able to know, until another huge secret is revealed. But first another flashback. I know, I think it sucks too.

We go back to that faithful dinner, and Not Ted Nugent is writing a letter in his study while he is asking Morris Chestnut if since they’ve seen each other whether Morris Chestnut has experienced any human emotions. You know, stuff like enjoying the wind blowing out your face while driving, which is more of a dog thing, but we’ll cut the guy some slack for being from out of town.

Morris Chestnut looks a little guilty, and asks Not Ted Nugent what he’s writing, and it turns out it’s that suicide note that is going to piss the hell out of Not Rosie O’Donnell in about nine years. Not Ted Nugent ask Morris Chestnut if he is going to need it, and Morris Chestnut looks real sad and says their friends are expecting them, and it’s too late.

We come back from the flashblack, and Morris Chesnut admits he killed John May. Obviously the poop hits the fan.

The good news is Not Rosie O’Donnell has transferred all his hate for Not Ted Nugent to Morris Chestnut, so he doesn’t have to deal with daddy issues any more, just daddy killer issues.

The rest of Team Good Guys is aghast, and Morris Chestnut launches into this speech about how John May inspired the entire 5th Column and how every time Anna sees the message John May Lives, it stabs her right in the eye. Hey Morris, you know what would really steam her beans? If John May was still alive.

This scene must be running a little long because FBI Mom declares that they are going to give Morris Chestnut a pass on killing the head of the resistance (just this one time), but from now on, there aren’t going to be any more secrets. Oh yeah, what could go wrong with this plan?

Hey, speaking of no secrets, Oblivia has a guy from the safe company come out and reset the combination. As soon as the dirty extra exits the scene, Oblivia opens up the door to the safe, and we cut to commercial.

When we come back from commercial? What? What about Oblivia? Sorry dude, I had to watch commercials. For what it’s worth, I do know that Pizza Hut pizza isn’t nearly as shitty as it was a couple of months ago. Who’s hungry?

Anyway, we head back to the mothership where Anna and Bailey 2.0 are having a little sit down. Bailey 2.0′s TV watching has paid off because he has discovered that Anna’s stay in our spaceships program is a little fishy.

It turns out that everyone Anna picked for sleepovers is kind of screwed up, like the smart lady who can’t have any kids, or the genius violin player who is a basketcase, and well, he only talks about those two people but Bailey 2.0 wants to know why Anna has a thing for damaged goods. Anna spouts some balloon juice about how humans discard people but she sees the true potential in them. Bailey 2.0 gets right up in her grill and tells her he’s not buying her balloon juice today. This part of the scene is a lot like when Seacrest gets up in Simon’s face on Idol.

Anna asks B20 what he wants and he tells her he wants to be special. Aw, somebody get that man a bike helmet. Oh wait, not that kind of special. He wants Anna to feed him tasty big stories that will make him super famous and he’ll make sure Anna doesn’t get any bad PR. Anna doesn’t have a problem with this, Bailey exits stage right, and scene.

We head over to Our Lady of Plot Points, where the gang is waiting for their space marble to ring, and finally it does. Rocco DiSpaceLizard tells them Georgie is still alive, which is good. He also tells them they can’t get Georgie out right now because security is too tight, which is bad, but Rocco DSL says maybe in a couple of days they can get Georgie out, which gets us back to good.

Everyone is pretty happy to hear this news and they ask to talk with Georgie. Georgie is happy to hear all of his buddies are safe, but lets them in on a little bombshell of his own. He doesn’t want to be rescued. Georgie says the V’s are just going to use him as bait, and the Head Writer, sorry Georgie had decided it would be better if he dies tonight.

Soap Opera Priest tries to talk Georgie out of this idea, and it would be a pretty devastating scene. You know, if Soap Opera Priest didn’t have to say his lines into a f–king glowing marble.

Anyway, Georgie says goodbye and then Rocco DiSpaceLizard gives him a shot with this alien doohickey, and just like that, Georgie is heading off to clear out his trailer and get the hell off the set.

The Good Guys all have a drink and toast Georgie and some music starts playing. Hmm, a character died, it’s either going to be something Celtic, or some jingly indi rock guitar thing. Hey, it’s jingly indi rock guitar! ABC is still chasing that 18-34 demographic, dream on you loveable nuts.

We get one last flashback, seriously, this is the last one. Morris Chestnut is at Not Ted Nugent’s wake, and he watching Not Rosie O’Donnell cry, and it’s really affecting him, and do you know who just happens to be there too? No, not Mr. T, why do you keep saying that? I mean besides the fact that it would be awesome? No, Oblivia is there, and Morris Chestnut sees her across the room.

We cut to the present and Morris Chestnut calls up Oblivia and leaves her a voice mail telling her he’s not who she thinks he is, and he thinks she deserves to be told the truth. Wow, this would usually earn him extra brownie points. You know, if Oblivia hadn’t just popped open his secret closet safe and found the real ultrasound pictures the renegade V doc took last week, where her bundle of joy has an alligator tail.

FBI Mom gets home and High School Musical Kid is waiting for her to come home so he can talk to her about this whole phantom daddy thing. FBI Mom trots out her the tests are wrong defense and it doesn’t go over so well; as in not as all. There’s a whole bunch of crying and High School Musical Kid says he can’t trust FBI Mom anymore, and then he runs upstairs before his face gets any more red and blotchy, while FBI Mom keeps saying the tests are wrong.

Morris Chestnut finally gets home after a long day of flashbacks and friend losing to find out Oblivia has left the building. He sees that his not so super secret closet safe is wide open, and that Oblivia took her baby-to-be’s ultrasound pictures with her.

Oh man, this one really sucks, because Morris Chestnut actually had a better story then, “the tests are wrong.” Plus, now his closet is a complete mess. All in all, a downer of a day for my favorite good guy space lizard.

We finish up on the mothership where Anna is watching a bunch of stories about John May Lives, while Creepy Gopher Guy comes in to tell her Georgie just died on them, and it must have been an accident; because there is no way in hell that there best space doctor could be working with the resistance.

Oh and also that they are saving so much money on their electric bill by not having security cameras on their ship, even in their secret torture chambers, that they will totally be able to have that ice cream social next month that they were talking about at the last staff morale meeting, and should they get Neapolitan, even though people are just going to eat the chocolate and strawberry and leave the vanilla to melt?

Luckily for Creepy Gopher Guy, Anna isn’t paying attention to him because she’s going into labor. She tells CGG to let the Good Guys have their one win, because as soon as she gives birth to her army nothing can stop them. Oh great, she’s going to be one of those “my kids are the most wonderful ones in the history of mankind” parents. Remind me to never let her show me pictures in her wallet.

Anna then goes down into this big giant tub and squirts out a squidllion little white things which I’m guessing are going to grow up to be her army of eyebrow waxed muscleheads. The End.

All in all, a pretty good episode of TV, don’t get me wrong this show is light years from perfect, but when they keep the action moving like they did for the most part tonight; it’s kind of a fun way to kill an hour watching TV.

Do you guys have any favorite characters? I’m leaning towards Morris Chestnut right now. Mainly because the writers don’t make his character tell people the tests make mistakes, and that part tonight where he told John May they were out of time was some pretty good acting, at least I thought it was.

What do you guys think about Georgie getting the chop? Honestly? I thought he was always around to do anything to advance the plot for the writers. Also, does anyone know why the V’s killed his family? They might have said so early in the season, but if I had a real good memory I wouldn’t keep going to work every morning.

Oh! And who do you think is High School Musical Kid’s real dad? Please don’t say nobody, because that would imply an Immaculate Conception situation, and I don’t want to change HSMK’s nickname to Baby Space Jesus.

Double oh! If Not Rosie O’Donnell becomes a regular on the show, I’ll come up with a different nickname for him. I just thought that would be fun to call him for a post, and then realized he migh be hanging around for awhile.

Anyway my fellow V Heads, thanks for stopping by and we’ll talk again soon.