V: What’s Four Months Between Friends?

Our episode starts right where the last one left off. Soap Opera Priest just got perforated by the V guard from the warehouse with the unfortunate bulging forehead, and when he comes to he’s being taken to hospital to keep his insides on the inside. Well, only he isn’t, because Older Priest has taken him to one of those V healing centers, because we’re 45 seconds into the episode, and haven’t had a single plot twist yet.

We cut away from this over to FBI Mom’s house, where she is in the process of losing her poop over High School Musical Kid sneaking off to spend the night on the V mothership. Her poop losing gets rudely interrupted by our newest bestest buddy, the V Guard from the warehouse with the unfortunate bulging forehead. V Guard is all set to do a repeat on the staby-staby he pulled on Soap Opera Priest.

Too bad for V Guard, FBI Mom whips out her gun. Yeah, 2nd Amendment baby! Try stopping an alien invasion in Canada and see what happens. Oh crap, V Guard has like some super sharp alien knife and it slices through FBI Mom’s gun before she can shoot him. Okay, that really didn’t support my argument, but it still beats whipping out a curling broom.

Luckily for FBI Mom, this little brouhaha just happens to take place in the kitchen, so she can reach into that butcher block knife set and do a little stabbing of her own. She nails V Guard right in the chest and he keels over, problem solveded.

Only it’s not, because V don’t have their hearts where humans do, which FBI Mom should know, because she went through this same exact thing with Denthead. Still, maybe I’m being too hard here. I mean we’ve had almost a four month layoff, so it’s kind of understandable if she’s not quite up to speed.

The screenwriter must be thinking this too, because V Guard gives FBI Mom a quick V anatomy class, which is good for her and us in the audience, but notso hotso for V Guard because FBI Mom promptly whips out another knife and gets the job done right. So we learn an important lesson almost as soon as the show starts tonight, don’t scrimp on your knife set. You might not think you are ever going to use that boning knife, but when the aliens come you’ll be glad you have it. Plus they make a great wedding present.

Anyway, because this show is written by a kid with ADD on Pixie sticks, we cut away from FBI Mom over to Oblivia and Morris Chestnut. Good old Oblivia is making a little noise in the kitchen with those pots and pans. Too bad she’s not making anything for Morris Chestnut. She’s whipping up some big ass omelets for herself and her soon to be arriving alien love child.

Oblivia is freaking out because she’s already eaten a flat of eggs, and she’s still hungry, and Morris Chestnut is freaking out because Oblivia got herself an appointment with a baby doc next week, and that means an ultrasound, which means Morris is going to have to try to explain to his sweet baboo why their little buddle of joy looks like an alligator.

Just then Morris Chestnut’s cell phone goes off and it’s FBI Mom, boo-hooing about the dead V in her kitchen, and how the V’s have her son. This gives Morris Chestnut the prefect excuse to duck out of this scene, and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon. Oblivia has just wolfed down about 30 eggs in ten minutes, and is due to start farting pure sulfur any second now.

Morris Chestnut heads over to FBI Mom’s, and gives all some much needed exposition on how V Guard couldn’t have told any of the other V’s who the good guys are, which doesn’t make much sense when you think about it, but after an hour of Lost, do you really want to think anymore?

FBI Mom is only kind of listening, because she’s loading up a bunch of guns to take on the V’s. Morris Chestnut tries to point out, that taking on advanced interstellar civilization with two nine millimeters maybe isn’t her best bet. FBI Mom doesn’t want to hear about it, and tells Morris Chestnut to just get rid of V Guard’s body and she exits stage left to get back her bebe.

We cut to FBI Mom down at the Visitor Center saying how she wants to see High School Musical Kid, and Creepy Gopher Guy shows up and takes her to another room where High School Musical Kid is waiting for her.

High School Musical Kid launches into this spiel about how he was wrong to be out all night without telling her where he was, but he just wants to hang out with the V’s because they are super duper cool, and then he wants to know what her problem with the V’s is? Seeing as she is standing right next to Creepy Gopher Guy, FBI Mom realizes this is not the best time to mention how they keep making her stab them in the heart over an over again. FBI Mom wisely instead says she was just worried that High School Musical Kid didn’t call and tries to pull him out of the room.

Uh oh, turns out it wasn’t High School Musical Kid, it was a hologram of him. You see, High School Musical Kid couldn’t be there because Anna and Space Alien Bait have him in this little room and they are trying to find something in his brain. (If your first response to this plot point was to think, how long could it take? Than be afraid, because we are starting to think exactly alike.)

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Creepy Gopher Guy tells FBI Mom that High School Musical Kid refused to come down, but everything is cool, because they are all the bestest buddies in the universe, and they finally show us the opening credits.

When we come back from the credits and those sweet, sweet commercials, we go up to the mothership where the V’s are watching Bailey 2.0 remind us that the good guys blew up that alien warehouse last episode and the FBI doesn’t have a clue who did it. When Bailey 2.0 is done flapping his gums, Creepy Gopher Guy tells Anna that the V’s don’t know who did it either.

Anna isn’t too worried about this, and tells Creepy Gopher Guy to tell the FBI who blew up the warehouse, and he should do that by picking out some human guy at random and framing him. Ideally Creepy Gopher Guy should find a random guy with rugged good looks, an accent, and a dangerous edge that the ladies might find attractive, because as of right now the ratings are skewing towards a total sausage fest.

Oh, and Creepy Gopher Guy decides this is a great time to mention that their fleet is probably riddled with those pesky Fifth Column types, and actually it is kind of a good time to bring this up, because he just happens to be standing next to Doctor Rocco DiSpaceAlien who is the head of that pesky Fifth Column. This gives Rocco DiSpaceAlien the perfect opportunity to look both guilty and shifty, and he gives it his all.

Anna and Creepy Gopher Guy completely ignore the guy in the room who is sweating profusely on his upper lip, and CGG mentions that it would be really nice to have an army right about now, but somebody forgot to pack one before they left. Anna tells Creepy Gopher Guy not to worry, because she will just make them an army. You’ve got to love an evil space alien, who can get DIY to solve any problem. Okay, you don’t, but it does keep the plot moving, so yay!

We go from this fun stuff back to the good guys, Morris Chestnut is trying to convince FBI Mom that the V’s really aren’t going to hurt High School Musical Kid, and also he tells her maybe she should go to her actual job at the FBI, and make sure nobody figures out that they blew up the V’s warehouse. FBI Mom is calmed down by this point and wants to know if anyone has heard from Soap Opera Priest, and just what the hell Morris Chestnut is planning on doing with his day. Moe tells her Georgie is tracking down Soap Opera Priest, and he is going to get in touch with a V doctor he knows to find out what was in that serum they blew up at the warehouse. Man, if it turns out to be an actual flu shot, boy aren’t they going to be embarrassed, huh?

He, speaking of Soap Opera Priest, we cut over to him at the V healing center, and the V’s are waving that super cool black light thing of theirs over the hole in his torso to make it all better, which is good. Of course they also shoot him up with the serum of theirs, which is not so good. You know, unless it is a flu shot.

Morris Chestnut checks in with a V renegade doctor that he just happens to know. Man, every week (or in this case 4 months) he finds a new good guy V to hook up with. Was Denthead the only V spy who didn’t go over to our side?

Also Moe C mentions how he got Oblivia preggers, even though all the V spies were told that couldn’t happen, and he wants renegade V Doc’s opinion on how this could happen. Her take on this? Poop happens. Am I the only one wondering about just how much V Docs pay for malpractice insurance?

After Renegade V Doc also tells Morris Chestnut that if Anna ever gets wind of Obilvia eating an alien watermelon seed, their butts are toast, we cut back to the V’s where Anna is having a little talk with Rocco DiSpaceLizard. First of all she wants our lizard Rocco to make sure all the soldiers they are sending her are nice and healthy for whatever she has planned. Also Anna tells Rocco to make plenty of her space serum because she wants everyone on the planet to get a shot.

Rocco points out that people aren’t coming into their healing centers, because they are afraid, and Anna tells him they’ll just make people stop being afraid. I’m hoping she isn’t counting on V Warehouse Guard stabbing everyone, because she will just be setting herself up for disappointment.

We go over to Bailey 2.0 who is meeting with his doctor to see if the V’s were feeding him balloon juice when they told him he was going to die last episode. Bailey’s doctor tells him everything looks great on his CAT scan, and as far as human medicine is concerned he’s the picture of health. Bailey points out that the V’s said he was going to get sick in four months, and human medicine can’t spot that, and can’t cure what he is going to get. At this point Bailey 2.0′s doctor gets a little cranky, and tells him he can either go with human medicine which is all happy, happy good news, or some advanced interstellar medicine that can see the future; it’s his choice. He then asks Bailey 2.0 which flavor wollypop he wants and we move on to the next scene.

We go over to Our Lady of Plot Points, where Georgie checks in with Older Priest to see if Soap Opera Priest can come out and play. This is when the good guys find out that SOP got stabbed.

Actually if you like unintentional comedy, then this is the scene of the night, because Older Priest tells Georgie that “there was an accident, and Jack was stabbed last night.” An accident? What, was somebody cleaning a steak knife and it just went off?

Because Georgie apparently had an imaginary number for a SAT score, he doesn’t call Older Priest on that that last sentence. Georgie just wants to know what hospital Soap Opera Priest is at, and Older Priest gets to drop the fact that Soap Opera Priest got taken to a V healing center. Georgie makes an oh crap face, and we cut to the next scene.

FBI Mom has actually gone into work, and is catching up with boss on all the evidence they have on the warehouse going hooie-kablooie, which turns out to be squat-o. What doesn’t make FBI Mom happy is that the FBI agent who kind of looks like Maya Rudolph has been brought into the investigation. Personally, I don’t know why FBI Mom is getting so cranky, because this woman still hasn’t figured out that FBI Mom took her super secret people who know about the Visitors list from episode 2.

For a second, we can see why FBI Mom was worried when Other FBI Agent says the V’s know who blew up the warehouse. Oh and Creepy Gopher Guy and some V extras show up to give everyone the good news.

It turns out the V’s say they have a gizmo that measure explosions to figure out not only how they happened, but to show things like fingerprints on plastic explosives. Other FBI Agent feeds this info into the FBI database and we find out who blew up the warehouse.
It turns out it was done by some guy called Hobbs, who just happens to be a mercenary badass, who’s good looking, and has an accent that should appeal to females in the 18 to might as well be dead demographic. Man, Creepy Gopher Guy may be creepy, but he’s hell on wheels on finding patsies.

FBI Mom decides that after being at work for a whooping two minutes that she needs a break, and she meets up with Morris Chestnut to show him this Hobbs guy’s secret FBI file that she just happened to walk out of their office. Morris Chestnut wants to know what this has to do with them, and FBI Mom says she wants to recruit this guy into the Resistance. Sure, he’s a heartless mercenary who’s on the top of the FBI’s terrorist list, but he’s a serious major league badass who can help the good guys to train an army to beat the V’s. Also, Georgie just isn’t pulling in the honeys the way the focus group said he would, so this couldn’t hurt.

We cut over to the V mothership, where Anna and Bailey 2.0 are having a little lunch, so they can catch up on stuff, and just hang out. Okay, not really, Anna makes Bailey 2.0 eat fuggu, to remind him he could drop dead at any second, and tells him he’d better run that story on how cool the V healing centers are right away if he doesn’t want his head to explode. Bailey 2.0 makes a face like he just swallowed a lemon and we see Anna still needs a little work on her having lunch and just hanging out skills.

We cut over to the V Healing Center, where Soap Opera Priest wakes up, and all the good guys are huddled around his bed so they can tell him everything is going to be okay. Only everything isn’t going to be okay, because he immediately starts turning into a lizard because of that alien serum. And then he wakes up. Yeah, it was just a dream, but Georgie is there, and he hustles Soap Opera Priest out of the healing center so they do whatever they are going to do next.

Okay, so FBI Mom has decided she is going to recruit this mercenary badass guy. The only problem with this plan is she has no idea where he is at. Not to worry though, because Denthead just happened to be on the Counter-Terrorism Task Force and kept track of guys like Hobbs, so FBI Mom is able to get an address.

We cut over to FBI Mom walking down the mean streets of Toronto, I mean New York, and coming up to this building where she shows her badge to the security camera.

Our new mercenary badass is up in his loft and you know he’s serious about security because he’s got what looks like 200 computer monitors in his loft. Well either that, or he’s got a serious World of Warcraft addiction. Anyway, our mercenary guy sees a badge and buzzes FBI Mom mom up.

Mercenary guy is feeling in control when FBI Mom shows up because he’s pointing a gun at her. Too bad for him Morris Chestnut came through the back door and got the drop on him. Hmmm? The guy who is going to train the good guys, doesn’t lock his back door, or have it on any of his 200 computer monitors? Is it too late to learn Space Lizard? Honestly, because if it’s not all tonal I’m willing to take a shot at it.

FBI Mom calls the rest of the FBI and tells them where our not so alert mercenary is hanging out, and within 10 seconds they are surrounding the building. FBI Mom then makes her big pitch, the mercenary can come with them or get arrested by the FBI for a crime he’s going to be framed for by the V’s, or he can possibly get a at least semi-reoccurring gig as a Hans Solo type character on a network show. Mercenary Guy takes option B, and his mortgage is reportedly ecstatic over this news.

But what about the FBI you say? Weren’t they surrounding the building while FBI Mom was laying out his choices for our hard working mercenary? Well it turns out they didn’t cover the backdoor either. At this point please feel free to insert your own cheap backdoor joke here; trust me, they’ll all work just fine.

FBI Mom then pulls up in her car at the building and asks her boss what happened, and well he just covered all the cheap back door jokes, right? Anyway the FBI is stumpered yet again.

We then go back to the V mothership where Anna and Space Alien Bait are still looking at the contents of High School Musical Kid’s noggin. I know, still. Who knew moisturizing tips, blow drying techniques, and, well I thought that was all that was in there, would take up so much space? Oh and there seems to be a whole bunch of High School Musical Kid’s childhood memories in there too.

Space Alien Bait doesn’t understand why human memories are packed with emotions. Do you know what I can’t understand, the bags someone who’s supposed to be High School Musical Kid’s age that SAB is packing. Dear makeup department, it’s called concealer, feel free to put it on with a garden trowel, love waffleboy.

Anyway, once they see a memory of High School Musical Kid’s dad leaving FBI Mom Anna declares that they have found what they were looking for, and after HSMK shines on his mom, Space Alien Bait will be able to fulfill her destiny.

We are at about the 35 minute mark for the episode so it’s time for the good guys to have their weekly (or in this case, every four months) meeting at Our Lady of Plot Points. Soap Opera Priest and Georgie show up, but the big thing everyone wants to talk about is their newest member, Hobbs the mercenary. Georgie and SOP aren’t too happy with FBI Mom’s latest recruit, but as Hobbs points out, he hasn’t decided to join them yet.

It turns out that Hobbs wants lots and lots of money to save the world, and in case you haven’t noticed it yet, the good guys don’t even have enough money to have snacks at their meetings. Soap Opera Priest makes a big rah-rah speech about how they are all fighting for very personal reasons, which Hobbs isn’t too impressed with. FBI Mom points out that Hobbs is still wanted by the FBI for blowing up that warehouse, which doesn’t make a sale either.

It turns out Morris Chestnut makes the most convincing argument for Hobbs to sign up for the cause. He does this by peeling back his eyeball and letting Hobbs see that the V’s are lizards that look like humans. Oh and from now on in these recaps, this little maneuver will be called “pulling a stinkeye.” Anyway, Hobbs sees this, craps his pants, and it looks like we’ll be seeing him next week.

Everyone clears out so FBI Mom and Soap Opera Priest can have a little alone time. Soap Opera Priest tells her that he feels like he’s changing, and FBI Mom says they are all changing. She points out that she just made a deal with Hobbs and before the V’s showed up, she used to arrest guys like him. You know, assuming they didn’t slip out the back door. Anyway, FBI Mom neatly makes the conversation all about her, and Soap Opera Priest doesn’t let her know that he thinks the V’s are going to turn him into a lizard.

After the big meeting Morris Chestnut meets up with his renegade V doc, who tells him she’s figured out what is in that alien space serum he gave her. It turns out the serum embeds itself in human DNA and then emits a transmission that the V’s can use to track people. Morris Chestnut wonders why the V’s are doing this, and Renegade V Doc tells him he shouldn’t tell anyone about it until they are able to figure out what the V’s are up to.

Hey, speaking of what the V’s are up to, we cut to a quick scene where Rocco DiSpaceLizard is supervising a whole mess of V’s who are monitoring humans who gotten injected with that space serum, and an extra tells Doctor Rocco that they’ve found some promising candidates for the next stage in their plan. Oh and this is right when we see Soap Opera Priest show up on one of the monitors.

We come back from commercial, Anna is watching TV again, and Bailey 2.0 is running the story on the V Healing Centers that Anna wanted him to run, not only that, but he tells everyone that the V’s figured out his head was going to pop, and are going to make it all better. Big deal, what to impress me Space Lizards? Make him tall enough to ride on a rollercoaster without adult supervision.

Anyway, this puts Anna in a good mood, which is a good thing because she’s all set to make her army. Oh and she is wearing a bathrobe, which leads me to believe she won’t be welding a tank tonight.

It looks like I’m right, because Rocco DiSpaceLizard assembles a bunch of big muscle bound types, and one bald guy who is shorter then everyone else, and Rocco tells them they are going to help Anna with this army bit. Then Anna shows up, sniffs them and picks the biggest one.

FBI Mom finally makes it home, right before High School Musical Kid rolls through the door. HSMK tells his mom he’s sorry for staying out all night, but he’s becoming a man, and just because he likes to hang out with people from other parts of the galaxy doesn’t mean he’s going to leave her like his dad did. Oh incidentally, this whole he’s not going to leave like dear old dad thing is apparently why Anna and Space Alien Bait had to stare at his brain for two thirds of the episode.

FBI Mom doesn’t really care. She’s just happy to have her baby boy home and is all set to tell him that the V’s are serious bad news when High School Musical Kid decides to whip out his binky, sorry I mean his peace ambassador jacket.

Seeing as FBI Mom knows those jackets are cameras for the V’s, and Space Alien Bait just happens to be watching, FBI Mom ends up telling High School Musical Kid that the V’s are super nice, and he tells her the V’s don’t have any secrets. It’s nice to see these two are back to lying to each other like a normal family.

We cut over to Oblivia who’s still packing those calories away. Although she decides she’s had enough when we cut in, and takes her plate to dump it in the garbage (suck it Sally Struthers!). It’s just then Oblivia happens to notice a mouse caught in a trap by the garbage pail. In an awesome scene, Oblivia doesn’t eat the dead mouse, but she gives it some serious thought.

Just then, Morris Chestnut shows up after a busy day of freedom fighting to have Oblivia tell him about how messed up her date was (but not about almost eating Mickey), and then says it’s okay because their baby is a miracle and they are having it for a reason. Morris Chestnut gives her a big hug, but still doesn’t tell her about the whole being from a different species thing they have going on.

Hey, to keep on the baby theme we have going on here, we cut back to the V mothership and find out that Anna is going to do it with the big good smelling doofus she picked out earlier are going to make some babies together. She shows us her bare back again, sits down on top of the doofus, and we’re done. Yeah, it happens just that fast, which kind of seems strange until you realize that the V’s don’t have baseball or old episodes of Seinfeld to think about, and that it seems like kind of a marathon.

Anyway, Anna tells the doofus mission accomplished and then says she needs nourishment for her bebies, and then her mouth gets kind of lizardy like she’s about to eat the doofus, and then everything goes black. The End.

Well, there you have it, our first taste of V for 2010. What did you guys think? Did you even remember this show was going to be on again with it being off the air for so long?

Everything that I thought was dumb and annoying back in November still seems to be around, but I like everything about the V’s (Well except for Rocco DiSpaceLizard’s doctor jacket, which is just sad), so that is keeping me interested in the show.

You know who is turning into my favorite member of Team Goodguys? Morris Chestnut, mainly because he is usually the voice of reason in the group, and the stinkeye scene was pretty cool tonight. Also I’ve decided Morris needs a new nickname, so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, and we’ll talk again soon.