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****Please welcome your newest capper to the fold, with a show you’ve been asking for for a loooong time. Welcome to the family, Coqui!
Who am I? How did I get in? What am I doing in your house, sitting on your couch, and eating up all your food? Well listen, Crazy; you need to stop asking irrelevant questions, put down that baseball bat, and come join me. Come September, I’ll be in charge of recapping The Vampire Diaries, and before then I want you to know the who’s who and what what’s (vaguely) of this crazy place called Mystic Falls. (Whose population started at around roughly 15,000 and is currently at 46. They drop like flies, y’all!)
Name: Elena Gilbert
Played by: Nina Dobrev
What’s her deal?: The protagonist and Stefan’s girlfriend. She has this weird thing going on with Damon as well, but it’s mostly just using him for muscle, trying to manipulate him by challenging the goodness of his soul, and stringing him along. She’s Katherine’s doppelganger, and holds the key to an ancient ritual that will make Klaus invincible. At first she dealt with things the best she could, but as the series goes on it seems like the stress of getting kidnapped and nearly killed everyday has gotten to her. Her reasoning for the things she does is pretty questionable. Elena somehow manages to be both Gary Busey levels of crazy and about as boring as paint drying. I will say though, she isn’t a doormat – a very ‘take charge of my life’ type of female.
Status: Alive. For now. Seriously she is hanging on by a thread.
Name: Jeremy Gilbert
Played by: Steven R McQueen
What’s his deal?: Elena Gilbert’s little brother (but not really). Jeremy has the worst luck you guys; everyone he loves is either dead, actively trying to get themselves killed by offering to be a sacrifice, or has ghosts following him around and driving him nuts! He’s perhaps the most pathetic character in this series, what with his history of wearing all black, gratuitous drug use, little direction in life, and, you know, the whole everyone he loves kicking the bucket thing. But! He’s got a phenomenal upper body and at the end of the day isn’t that the most important thing? No?
Status: Alive, but through no fault of his own.
Name: Jenna Sommers
Played by: Sara Canning
What’s her deal: Elena and Jeremy’s aunt and gunning for the title as ‘Worst Guardian Ever.’ She has no idea what she is doing, what is going on, or where she is. Or should I say was…
Status: Dead as a doornail. And it happened right when we all thought Jenna was going to start being a little awesome. Regardless, it’s kind of a relief that she’s gone. It was becoming a burden to try and remember who the hell she was whenever she wandered on screen and then had to watch her be utterly clueless.
Name: Stefan Salvatore
Played by: Paul Wesley
What’s his deal: New guy/vampire in town. He dates Elena Gilbert and together they manage to be the most boring couple ever. Which is saying something because their lives, together and individually, is pretty damn intense. But, somehow, they still manage to just be the worst. Generally he’s an all around good guy, and always tries to do the right thing. Except for when he doesn’t, and ends up dragging girls out to the woods to make them watch his mental breakdowns or going insane and ripping apart whole villages with his teeth. Has a penchant for brooding and tall hair.
Status: Still around
Name: Damon Salvatore
Played by: Ian Somerhalder
What’s his deal?: Other new vampire in town. Brother to Stefan Salvatore. Die hard romantic (he searched for a way to reunite with his ‘true love’, Katherine Peirce, for damn near one hundred and twenty years), enigma, and sociopath all rolled into one truly great looking package. I’m not gonna lie guys, I’m a Damon-lover even though he’s basically a wreck at this point. He’s also in love with Elena (which is really a romantic dead-end if we’ve ever seen one); at first it was mostly because a) she looks exactly like Katherine Pierce, hissire and b) wanted to take her from Stefan. But now I’m inclined to believe it’s the fact that he’s a masochist. Damon constantly struggles with wanting to be ‘good enough’ for not only Elena, but himself, and just not giving a shit. As the series goes on, Damon’s eyes will take on a life of their own and try to escape his head in every scene.
Status: Still around
Name: Bonnie Bennett
Played by: Katerina Graham
What’s her deal: Best friends with Elena and current girlfriend of Jeremy. She’s the resident witch, starting the trend (that will become WHOLLY apparent as the series goes on) of the only black people in Mystic Falls being either witches or victims. She kinda, sorta sucks (a lot) at her craft, but she starts off awesome and bubbly. And confident. By the end of season two, Bonnie can’t even pronounce the word confident, let alone feel it. She’s basically a doormat for Elena and her vampire buddies.
Status: Alive, despite her enjoyment of bleeding liberally from her nose and being surly.
Name: Caroline Forbes
Played by: Candice Accola
What’s her deal?: Easily the best character of any show ever. The only character that only gets better and better every episode, until her awesomeness explodes and sends us all to TV heaven. Yeah, Caroline is that amazing. Caroline has a gay dad that we never see, and a dunce of a sheriff mother who we see entirely too much. Although she started off human, she got caught in the middle of the Stefan/Katherine/Damon/Elena Wars (SKDE Wars for short) and ended up with a snapped neck and a bad case of the vampies. It all worked out though, because now she can literally be awesome for forever.
Status: Still around. Thank God.
Name: Liz Forbes
Played by: Marguerite MacIntyre
What’s her deal?: Mother to Caroline Forbes and wouldn’t be entirely out of place in a Police Academy film. Has won the ‘Worst Officer In Any Town Ever’ award and is trying to push Jenna out of the running for ‘Worst Guardian.’ She basically gets nothing done and makes everything worse. She always looks stressed, even though we know for a fact all she does is catch zzz’s at her desk at the station.
Status: Alive. Out of sheer luck, I assure you.
Name: Alaric Saltzmen
Played by: Matthew Davis
What’s his deal?: This guy. Team Alaric all the way, over here. He says he’s a teacher, but is really the town drunk. If you need to find him just try the bar, or the curb right out side Mystic Falls Bottles. But he dates Jenna and we can all understand the needed urge to get blitzed when you have to deal with that one. He currently holds the title for ‘Worst Vampire Hunter Ever;’ he came to town to kill the vampire who he believed murdered his wife Isobel (Damon), but ended up becoming besties with the guy, even forming a bromance of sorts.
Status: Alive. Cheers to that!
Name: Matt Donovan
Played by: Zach Roerig
What’s his deal?: Ex boyfriend of Elena and thank goodness he got out of that whole mess. Matt is about as pale, adorable, and oblivious as anyone can ever be. Well, he used to be, until Caroline let him know the business of vampires and werewolves and he had a major meltdown at the end of season two. If (when) Saltzmen ever dies from liver failure, my loyalties will shift to this one right here.
Status: Alive. Which is really quite baffaling, what with the way no one took the time out to protect him or let him know that there were bloodthirsty vampires tearing up the town for so long. Thank goodness for miracles though, amiright?
Name: Vicki Donovan
Played by: Kayla Ewell
What’s her deal?: Matt’s sister and Jeremy’s former love interest. She was best known for being the town drug addict/skank. When it came to surviving, this girl was like a feline. Her time finally ran out halfway through the first season, but now she’s back! As a ghost!
Status: Dead. Maybe. Honestly, we don’t know yet. For now lets say she’s a ghost who haunts Jeremy.
Name: Tyler Lockwood
Played by: Michael Trevino
What’s his deal?: Tyler is the resident werewolf and former douchebag boyfriend of Vicki Donovan. Like Caroline, Tyler’s transformation as a character, from jerky jock to sensitive, vulnerable all around good guy, has been exceedingly awesome. He’s had a tough time with it – between having a father that regularly urged him to fight it out in the streets and an extremely painful transformation into a dog once a month, the guy kinda hates everything.
But things are looking up for our pup! He’s in love with Caroline and she kinda, maybe likes him too! Sure a werewolf bite causes a vampire to lose their minds before dying in one of the worst ways ever, but I’m sure they’ll make it work. They have to!
Name: Katherine Pierce
Played by: Nina Dobrev
What’s her deal?: Ugh, Katherine is about too awesome for words. She’s ruthless, evil, and out for herself and herself only. This girl is a survivor in all definitions of the word. She faked her own imprisonment for about one hundred and twenty years and didn’t even feel a little bad when Damon found out. She cared so little, in fact, that besides disregarding his feelings, Katherine has tried numerous times to get Damon killed and/or has used him as bait. She’s not all bad though – girl has a soft spot for Stefan and only tried to get him killed once. Or twice. Three times tops.
She enjoys dressing like Elena in order to lure folks to their death. And mess with their heads, for funsies.
Status: Still around. And it better stay that way.
Name: Isobel Flemming
Played by: Mia Kirshner
What’s her deal?: This lady is the worst. She’s Elena’s actual birthmother, Alaric’s original wife, and just a pain in everyone’s butt. Her slooooow waaay of taaaalking like this will make you want to throw your box of wine at the television screen. When she was still human, Isobel had a thing for vampires. Like, an obsession. Like fangirls for Twilight but even worse, because she took it a step further, found Damon on Katherine’s suggestion, and convinced him to turn her. She has some moments of genuine concern for Elena, but overall, Isobel is terrible. In flashbacks we see her as a pretty decent human being, but once she became part of the undead she went from okay to omgkillherwithfire. Speaking of which…
Status: Suicide by sunlight.
Name: John Gilbert
Played by: David Anders
What’s his deal?: John Gilbert (aka UncleDaddy John) Aw, man, this guy. Whenever anyone sees him coming they turn around and flee the other way. He never brings good news, and subsequently, always brings the best plot twists. He’s probably my favorite character. Top five, for sure. He’s Elena and Jeremy’s uncle, technically. He’s really Jeremy’s uncle and Elena’s father. Isobel would be the only one to actually sleep with UncleDaddyJohn. Well, except for Jenna, because, yeah, she tapped that too.
Status: No one likes UncleDaddy even a little, so when he bit it at the end of season two no one was really sad. Or noticed? He literally dropped dead in front of a doorway and I’m sure everyone stepped over him to exit the house.
Played by: Malese Jow
What’s her deal?: One of Jeremy’s ex-girlfriends. She’s a vampire nearly as old as Katherine and made her debut during the first season, where she cozied up to Jeremy in order to get her hands on some of the old Gilbert journals. They held some clues as to how to get her mother out of the tomb – the same tomb everyone else believed Katherine to be locked in. One thing led to another, and she and Jeremy ended up falling in love. Until she was snatched from him during a Mystic Falls celebration, thrown into a basement, and was staked and burned to death by UncleDaddy John. But now, like Vicki, Anna is back as a ghost (?) and following Jeremy around.
Status: Still around, as a ghost. And in regards to her being killed in the first place the event was a given – she was Jeremy’s girlfriend after all.
Played by: Daniel Gillies
What’s his deal?: Part of the Original family and subsequently Klaus’ brother. When Elijah first came on the scene we didn’t know what to think – he played coy for a while about his intentions towards Elena (kill her himself or leave it up to the Salvatore brothers?) but by the middle of the second season we find out that he’s one of the good guys. But the kind of good guy who makes terrible life choices, like trusting Klaus after Elijah tried to kill him. A lot.
Status: Still around, kinda. He’s gone for now, but it’s pretty certain that Elijah and his FABULOUS suits are going to make an appearance next season. Seriously, I’m going to miss those suits. They fit like a dream…
Played by: Joseph Morgan
What’s his deal?: At first, Klaus seemed a little lame (the most he did was dedicate songs to girls and act like a court jester) but we soon realized that it wasn’t Klaus, but Matthew Davis’ portrayal of him, that was lacking. Joseph Morgan more than makes up for that – Klaus is pretty damn scary with his utter disregard for human life. At first believed to be only an Original like his brother Elijah, it turns out their mother was a ho. She managed to find the one werewolf in town and sleep with him. So when Elijah and Klaus’ father, the kooky bastard that he was, decided to turn the whole family into vampires, Klaus suddenly became the rift in nature. Being half Lycan and half vampire, he is an all powerful being – something the natural powers of the earth cannot allow to exist.
Too bad no one knows how to kill him.
Status: Totally alive. Alive times ten.
And there we have it! The who’s who of those unfortunate souls who haven’t managed to escape the black hole that is Mystic Falls. Don’t forget to tune in to the Vampire Diaries, season three, airing Thursday September 15, 8/7 central. And don’t forget to check back here afterwards to get my recap. Elena turns eighteen and I’m about ninety six percent sure that this is going to end horribly. Worse than that thing you did with that guy that one time. You know what I’m talking about.
See you all soon!