Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Lives of Douchebags

Hey, Gasmii!  Love that you’re all sticking around for this crap, though, in the grand scheme of things, this episode was actually pretty good.  I wonder if Lauren Conrad was called in to consult.  I’m sure Heidi Montag offered.  Hey, let’s see what she’s been up to recently:

Holy shit, did we deport them and nobody told me???

This episode starts with the inevitable fallout from last week’s, apparently not staged breakup between Jax and Stassi.  Stassi meets up with Kristen and Katie for breakfast, and they’re shocked to learn that even though Stax has a habit of breaking up and getting back together (I’m shocked.  So shocked.), this time it looks like a keeper.  Stassi put in a 30 days notice at her apartment and everything.  Oddly, this conversation doesn’t go like I thought it would.  The girls don’t really support Stassi in her decision, and whine about how cute Stassi and Jax are together and how everyone thought they were gonna get married.  They would have had such cute babies!  Katie and Kristen reminisce about a time Jax picked up Stassi from dance in HER convertible, and when Stassi hopped in with her blond ponytail and sports bra, they looked just like Barbie and Ken.  Now if that’s not a reason to stay together, I don’t know what is.  Oh, wait.

The whole thing is kind of hilarious because it is now PLAINLY obvious that Kristen and Katie like Jax more than they like Stassi, but they’re definitely more terrified of Stassi.  They’re probably worried about what crazy shit she’d try to pull in their sleep if they chose Jax over her, so they’re hoping things work out so they can avoid the inevitable choice between fun and safety.  Stassi bitcherviews that Katie and Kristen always take Jax’s side (because you’re CRAZY), and it’s really starting to get on her nerves.  Don’t’ blame her, but I’d hang out with Jax over her six days a week and twice on Sundays.  I smell that the map of friendships will be soon changing at Sur.

At Sur, Lisa makes a scheduled appearance and tries to talk her business partner, Nathalie, off the ledge.  Nathalie’s got to do the server schedule, you see, and with all of their requests and commitments, eet eez sooo ‘ard!  Yeah, I’ve seen someone try to work a 70 person schedule before, and it ain’t a job for a Frenchwoman.  It’s a job for a Bulgarian or a German or someone else who can sound extra intimidating when they tell you to fuck off after you ask for a bunch of bullshit time off.  The Frenchwoman’s job should telling CUSTOMERS to fuck off after they ask for a bunch of bullshit modifications on their food.  I know that was blatantly stereotypical, but we have stereotypes for a reason.

 Yes.

No.

Lisa tells Nathalie that she understands (en francais, no less!), and then interviews with the same “swift kick in the arse” sound byte we’ve heard before.  BORED.

We head to Tom and Kristen’s, and Kristen’s getting ready for a photo shoot.  She and Tom both model part-time (because if they did it full time, they wouldn’t need serving jobs), but she claims she’s the unlikeliest model we’ll ever meet because she hates makeup and whatnot.  Really?  I just don’t think you’re that attractive.  The fact that she hates makeup means she needs to borrow Tom’s concealer and I want to know how you have sex with a man from whom you can borrow makeup.  If I could have an erection, that would kill it immediately.  

Oh well, while man makeup isn’t a turn-off for Kristen, knowing her boyfriend has had sex with ANYONE before her, is.  When Kristen gets to the shoot, Stassi’s there, too, along with a  little lady named Cassandra.  And poor Cassandra’s day is about to get soooo shitty.  The girls get to talking and Kristen finds out that Cassandra is one of the twins Tom lived with before they started dating.  Asian twins.  Who are models.  Who used to work at Hooters.  Both Stassi and Kristen wonder whether Tom slept with Cassandra, the Asian twin model who used to work at Hooters, and Stassi laughs maniacally at how uncomfortable Kristen gets at the possibility.  At first, I think it’s mean, but then I see how fucking flipped out Kristen is over the idea that she’s sharing oxygen with a girl who MAY have slept with Tom before they started dating, and now I think it’s funny.  Just want to make sure everyone is clear on this – Tom Sandoval slept with a girl named Cassandra BEFORE he and Kristen started dating, and most likely while he and this other chick were both single.  That kind of behavior is behavior that I categorize under, “I hope you slept with other women before we were together, because if you didn’t, I might take the fact that you wear a lot of makeup to mean that you were gay as the day is long.”

Did you seriously think he was a virgin?

Stassi can’t contain her glee, so she yells across the shoot for all to hear, “Hey, Cassandra, did you sleep with Tom Sandoval or was that your sister?”  Ha!  Stassi ain’t too good to shitdisturb, and I like her for the first time since this show started.  Cassandra’s caught completely off guard and manages to squeak out, “It was a long time ago,” telling Kristen and Stassi everything they needed to know.  And holy Hell, does Kristen lose her mind.  First she’s gonna throw up, and it’s not just because of the Red Bull and coffee she’s been sucking down all morning.  Then she’s gonna freak out and she doesn’t know what she’s gonna do.  How about nothing?  Have you tried nothing?  No?  Gonna stick with acting like an asshole?  Okay.

Cassandra and another model briefly discuss how she was just broadsided with hate she doesn’t deserve and how she slept with Tom a long time ago, when Kristen snaps at them, telling them to stop talking about it.  Apparently it’s inappropriate!  I’m sorry, I think it’s fucking inappropriate to ask some woman you don’t know about personal shit that’s none of your business.  If someone came into my workplace and started loudly asking me about MY sexual history in front of everyone in our professional environment, I’d slap her straight in the neck.  Granted, that would not be professional on MY part, but you get my point.  Kristen moans about THE SEX happening on HER couch or possibly in HER bed, and all I can think about is how if THE SEX happened on either of those things, wouldn’t they be Tom’s bed and Tom’s couch?  

You’re a moron.  Go smoke some pot.

Back at Sur, Jax gets off work and grabs a drink at his own bar from Frank, another Sur bartender.  The breakup is hitting Jax hard.  Apparently, Stassi is the first girl he’s ever really been in love with (seriously?), and all the moving out stuff is a pain.  Stassi wants the dog, which is his family’s, so that sucks, but Frank points out that Jax won’t have to deal with the crazy fighting at work anymore.  Jax agrees and states that he’ll never live with a girl again until he gets married.  Well, after women see this show, they’ll come to that conclusion on their own.  Jax moans a little bit more about how Stassi wanted him to get a real job, but he’s having fun slinging drinks and modeling.  He recites that age-old pretty-boy adage, “If I wanted a real job, I could get one.  I know enough people in this town,” and I wonder what bar Jax will be working at in ten years and how much child support he will owe.

Tom Sandoval and Peter the manager swing by, and the dudes sit out back and hang out.  It looks like fun until Kristen shows up and decides that this is an excellent time to tell Tom about how he ruined her day.  She tells the guys the whole story about how horrible it was to hang out with a girl all day knowing that said girl had once, many moons before, slept with her boyfriend, and Tom gets righteously pissed.  He snaps that Kristen made her own damn bed and she can lie in it for all he cares, and all the dudes agree with him.  He interviews that Stassi’s insecurities spread to Kristen like a plague, and he’s sick of it.  Kristen stalks out and meets Lisa in the hallway who asks what’s wrong.  Kristen weeps that she and Tom are fighting and Lisa cuts her off immediately telling her that she doesn’t give a flying fuck about personal issues.  That moment seemed pretty staged, but seriously, Ladies.  Stop fucking crying at work.  Nobody cares about the bullshit you created for yourself.

Sometime later, Kristen and Stassi head out for blowouts at Drybar (LOVE this place – they have candy and booze and blowouts!  So fun!), and Kristen drops that Jax thinks Stassi is having sex with Frank.  Kristen doesn’t buy it, but Stassi reveals that she and Frank have been hanging out a lot recently, and now she feels torn between two men.  Apparently Jax totally changed his tune and cleaned the house, so their relationship is totally back on the table.  Oh, WOE IS THE LIFE OF A 23-YEAR-OLD TORN BETWEEN TWO BARTENDERS!  Kristen interviews that she’s on Team Jax and thinks that Frank is taking advantage of Stassi in her vulnerable state, and I’m shocked that Frank was so nefarious.  I kind of love him for that, even if he has terrible taste.

Commercial!

It’s a new night at Sur, and Tom’s working.  Lisa approaches the bar and dresses him down a bit for the bullshit with Kristen the other night.  She tells him that he needs to keep a leash on Kristen when gets all drama queeny.  Tom explains that he was innocently having a drink when Kristen came out to the garden while she was on shift and picked a fight.  Lisa doesn’t want to hear any of it and just tells him that he needs to keep  his girl in line if he wants to keep his job.  Tom interviews, hilariously, that he wasn’t sure exactly what he was supposed to for Lisa – say sorry for his girlfriend getting pissed at work because he slept with someone else while he was single?  He deadpans, “Sorry.”  I never thought I could like a guy so much who shaved his forehead, but damned if I don’t kind of like Tom Sandoval.  

You have strange powers, Shiny Man.

At Los Globos, in Silver Lake, Jax has some girl time with Kristen and Katie and weeps about how hard the breakup is.  He misses Stassi, and he doesn’t want to just go out and bang a bunch of girls to get over her.  Aw, he’s growing up!  Well, not really, he’s just doing what an immature girl would do as opposed to an immature guy.  Then the subject of Frank comes up, and things get a little heated.  Jax thought Frank was his friend, but now it seems like Frank has just taken full advantage of all the shit Jax told him about Stassi and is using said information to steal away her black little heart.  

FOILED!

So, in an effort to be mature, Jax decides to stalk Stassi at Supperclub where she is reportedly on a date with Frank.  Awesome.  Even Kristen and Katie think that’s a bad idea and they think people should stay together based on how much they resemble plastic, anatomically incorrect dolls.  Despite the very good advice from the very dumb girls, Jax goes off to Supperclub anyway and is…

SUCCESSFUL??!

WTF, Gasmii?  Poor Frank must be so embarrassed!  He and Stassi are at Supperclub, and he’s wasted.  He’s bragging like a douche about thanking Jax for serving up Stassi on a silver platter, and Stassi is not fucking impressed.  She confides in another Sur server who’s there that if she’d wanted to date a 30-year-old drunk she’d have stayed with her boyfriend… who then shows up.  And within like, ten minutes, has whisked Stassi out of the drunken arms of Frank and back home.  Aack!  I kind of like Frank, but he just got SERVED.  By a model.

However, while Jax may have one that battle, he loses the war because Frank had some info up his sleeve that kind of puts the clincher on any sort of reconciliation – Jax knocked up some lady in Vegas two months ago!  He lets Jax and Stassi have one last night together and then tells Stassi the whole thing.  Stassi flips out, and calls Katie and Kristen over to her apartment for support.  The ladies arrive to find Frank and two other unknowns lounging around, and are a little uncomfortable.  Stassi lets them in on what Frank has told her and they actually call bullshit on him!  Not a single word of support to Stassi, just lots of questions as why Frank didn’t tell Stassi before now and how could anyone be expected to believe him when he clearly wants to be with Stassi?  Stassi’s had enough of Katie and Kristen taking Jax’s side, so she yells at them until they break and shut up.  Kristen interviews that Stassi’s just looking for an excuse to end the relationship with Jax that keeps her from looking bad, and the more I listen to Kristen and Katie, the more I feel like they don’t like Stassi very much.  

Stassi rips open a bunch of Cristal Jax has lying around the apartment and tells him to come over and get his shit while she’s out at a movie.  Girl is PISSED.  And drinking.  Jax is lucky she didn’t set anything on fire.  So clearly she can’t go to work – she calls off her double shift because she can’t serve “crispy chickens to people knowing this information.”  Nathalie freaks out, and Lisa’s there for the whole thing.  She tells Nathalie to take Stassi off the schedule and give her shifts to Scheana.  Ha!  I love it.  Life is hard, but you still have to go to work.  

Jax and Tom show up to the apartment after Stassi’s gone and find the wreckage.  Jax is ready to put Frank in the hospital, and Tom sticks by his friend.  Both of them can’t believe that Frank could be so duplicitous as to start this shit – I mean, they WORK together!  Betrayal!  Please, y’all.  You’re not in Vietnam.  You work at a bar.  These are not the strongest bonds of brotherhood, so calm it down a little.  Not sayin’ it’s not shitty, but unless you guys have some matching tattoos, I don’t think you were all that close.

That’s where we end for this week, Stassi and Jax irreparably split (thank GOD) and her and Frank on their way to laying waste to a bunch of other friendships in their quest to be together.

Next week – Vegas!  

 PREGNANT???